MartyT

Not that I'm aware of, my friend ~ but you'll find a great deal of information, comfort and support for pet loss on the Internet, if you take the time to follow the links included in my post above.

Kimi, I don't know what part of Arizona you're from, but if you're in the Valley, please make an effort to participate in Hospice of the Valley's in-person Pet Loss Support Group which meets tomorrow morning (Saturday,May 2) at our central Administration Building in Phoenix (go here for further details: http://www.caaainc.org/petgriefsupport.htm ). In addition to this Pet Loss forum, you'll find no better place to take your grief than this safe, compassionate group. Please know that feeling as if you're crazy is not at all uncommon among grieving animal lovers, because so often pet loss is so grossly misunderstood and trivialized by the general public. Arm yourself with information about this special kind of grief, so you'll understand that your reactions are not only normal, but predictable and therefore manageable. Start by doing some reading about pet loss. When you find an article that you like or one that describes your own reactions accurately, consider printing it out and giving it to your mother to read, so she'll have a better understanding of what you are going through. See for example the following: Coping with Pet Loss: Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad About This? http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/copi..._pet_loss.shtml Pet Loss Articles, http://www.griefhealing.com/pet-loss-articles.htm General Pet Loss Resources, http://www.griefhealing.com/general-pet-loss-resources.htm Helplines, Message Boards, Chats, http://www.griefhealing.com/help-lines-mes...oards-chats.htm Books, Book Excerpts on Pet Loss, http://www.griefhealing.com/books-excerpts...-loss-links.htm

Dear friend, I'm so sorry to learn of the awful experience you had with the euthanasia of your beloved dog, especially when it was your intention to ease her suffering and provide for her a peaceful death. I waited until now to respond to your post, even though I read it several hours ago. I wanted first to consult with the excellent (experienced and compassionate) veterinarian with whom I work, to get her perspective on your story. This veterinarian specializes in providing at-home euthanasia for those animal guardians who request it, so she's had a great deal of experience in this aspect of veterinary medical care. Here is the response I just received from her via e-mail: Hi Marty, I read the entry. I don't feel the experience is that unusual. When I do a sedative and euthanasia the process normally does take 20 - 30 minutes so I don't feel the time of this euthanasia was too long. I have had dogs, ESPECIALLY huskies that do not respond to sedation. I've done shot after shot of sedation. In one particular case, I didn't feel the dog was suffering so we waited probably 45 minutes before even doing the euthanasia to see if the drugs would finally set in! And that dog was a husky. The panting and hyperventilating could be from stress from being in the vet office, pain from the tumor rupture or even just secondary to drugs and changes in blood pressure. In the last case, the animal could be totally comfortable laying down, but he is panting with a pounding heart because his body is trying to compensate for the drug changes- this can happen under anesthesia as well. I definitely do not feel her experience was worse than say letting the animal die slowly or definitely not if she had tried to shoot it!! It's not uncommon after several doses of sedative for the blood pressure to change so much that it is difficult to get a vein. I think the vet did the right thing when he/she stopped trying to get the dog sedated and went right to euthanasia for a quicker end to the process. I understand the situation was stressful for the owner. I hope this does not impair her ability to make sound decisions for the rest of her pets. A pill would be less effective than a shot, but she certainly can ask for sedation pills prior to the visit and then at the time of the visit a shot of sedation can also be given. If she knows her pets are stressed at the clinic than doing it at home could make a big difference. In the end, I feel she ended the dog's suffering and should not see this as causing more suffering. I hope that helps!! I too hope this information proves helpful to you, my dear. I must say that I wish your veterinarian (or someone assigned to do so) would have stayed in the room with you to assist you with your dog's reaction and to explain what was happening and why. Under the circumstances, it sounds to me as if you did the very best you could for your beloved companion, and I think you would be wise to follow Francine's sound advice. In the meantime, please know that we are thinking of you. Know too that you are not alone when you are here with us, and I hope you can feel our collective arms around you. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Shelley, dear, it seems to me that the best thing you can do, given your family health history, is to take good care of yourself, both physically and emotionally, and listen to and follow the good advice I'm sure you're receiving from your dietitian and diabetic nurse. You do have choices here, Shelley, and you have quite a bit of control over how healthy you want to be and what sort of lifestyle you choose to live. I read an article online this morning that made me think of you: Four Friends for the Grief Journey, by Claire Perkins. If you go to Claire's Web site, http://www.deepwaterleafsociety.com/, you can read about her work, and if you click here, you can download and read excerpts from her book, The Deep Water Leaf Society: Harnessing the Transformative Power of Grief: http://www.deepwaterleafsociety.com/dnld.html. (See especially the Preface.) See also this uplifting video, I Have a Choice: http://www.customcraftedsongs.com/content/...ybehindthesong/

My dear Vicki, I'm so sorry that your mother has died, and sorrier still that her dying and death were so tramatic for you, despite all your efforts to take such good care of her. As Christine Longaker writes in Facing Death and Finding Hope, Usually, neither the dying nor their families fully understand the physical and emotional processes they are going through in facing death. In experiencing the dying process of a loved one, family members may feel as though they themselves are dying. They do not realize that their conflicting emotions, anticipatory grief, feelings of helplessness, anxiety, frustration, and guilt are perfectly normal. They lack the validation and support that they desperately need during this extremely difficult time. "Dying" is sometimes a harder process for the loved ones than it is for the person facing death . . . I want to offer you some information that I hope will help to answer some of the questions that are troubling you ("Did I kill her?" "Who was I to make such a decision for her???") Just yesterday as I was doing some other work online, I had the good fortune to stumble across a radio interview whose topic was End of Life Care in America. In this episode of Fresh Air, NPR's Terri Gross interviews Dr. Robert Martensen, who describes in a very personal manner the problematic ways the American health care system addresses the needs of dying patients and their families: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102638208 In addition, I'm attaching to this post an article entitled Life Support Interventions In The Terminal Phase Of Life: Understanding The Unintended Consequences by Shirley Scott, RN, MS, CT, a nurse thanatologist and community educator: The terminal phase of life occurs when all body functions begin to shut down. This may begin to happen a month or so, a few weeks or a few days before the person dies. The blood circulates more slowly. The kidneys put out less urine because their function depends on a good blood supply. Swallowing may become difficult. The person's appetite disappears because the stomach and intestines are shutting down and cannot carry out their jobs of digestion and absorption. The heart and lungs function poorly due in part to slowed blood circulation and the changing chemical balances in the body. Communication is often restricted because of severe weakness and less blood supply to the brain. The person has multiple medical problems and is dying. At this point it is necessary to keep in mind the possible unintended consequences of attempting to intervene with life support measures. Click on the link below to download and read the entire the article: LifeSupportInterventionsArticle.doc

Hmmmm ~ it's still working for me, Boo. Try this instead. Cut and paste this into your browser, and let me know if it works for you: http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/grief_movies.shtml

Thank you for recommending this movie, Boo. Films like this can be very useful if chosen deliberately as an aid in the mourning process. See, for example, Grief Observed: Using Movies to Move through Grief by Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor Movies and DVD rentals that dramatize others coming to terms with their pain may serve as a valuable tool to help you and your family members move through the grieving process. In this spirit, this list of movies for those in mourning is offered, categorized by the aspect of grief primarily addressed in a given film or DVD. For description of movies and reviews, click movie title. Click here to read more.

Talia, dear ~ when you see a counselor or therapist for matters related to grief, it's important to know whether the counselor / therapist has any background, training and experience in bereavement. This is like seeing any other health care provider; some are generalists and some are specialists. Not all counselors and therapists are knowledgeable about and specifically trained in bereavement counseling and grief therapy. It's okay to ask whether your counselor / therapist is certified in this particular area of expertise, just as you would ask a surgeon what his specialty is before you let him (or her) operate on you. You may find the following discussion helpful. Be sure to follow all the links you'll find in this thread, too: Can anyone tell me if therapy helps?

Wendy, dear, there is a message for you here: Memorial Candle

Dana, dear, I'm so sorry to learn this sad news about your beloved baby Beau, and I know your heart is broken into pieces. Please know that we are holding you gently and thinking of you today . . .

Mel, dear, I wonder if you have angels looking after you ~ perhaps sent to you by your dear husband. I don't know ~ but isn't it pretty to think so?

Cricket, dear, I agree with Leeann's suggestion "not to worry too much" about which stage of grief you are in. Many authors have written about the so-called "Stages of Grief" ~ you mentioned seven stages, and most of us have heard about the five stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her still popular book, On Death and Dying. Since that book was first published (in 1969), many people have taken her findings much too literally, expecting the dying process to occur in neatly ordered stages, one following the other. The stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are: 1) Denial and Isolation 2) Anger 3) Depression 4) Bargaining 5) Acceptance As wonderful as her groundbreaking work in death and dying was, Kubler-Ross's "stages" model was never meant to apply to those who are in mourning. Her studies were focused on patients who were terminally ill and dying. That is a common mistake you will find repeatedly in the literature still today. But there has been a wealth of research done since Kubler-Ross' pioneering work that focuses specifically on bereavement, loss and grief. We now know that grief is the normal response to the death of a loved one, and it doesn't happen in neatly ordered "stages" as such. Most of us who specialize in grief counseling prefer to think of grief as the personal experience of the loss, and mourning as a process (not a single event) that can affect us in every dimension of our lives: physical, emotional, social, spiritual and financial. Everyone's grief journey is unique, and there is no specific time-frame for it. Although grief is different for each individual, finding a way through it successfully requires some knowledge and understanding of the normal grief experience and the work of mourning. That is one reason why you'll find this site so helpful, because so many of the posts here are packed with useful information that comes from the hearts and minds of people who have walked this grief journey before you, learned some very valuable lessons, and are willing to share their hard-won experience with those who come after them.

Dear Ones, You may want to read this series of articles by poet Meghan O'Rourke, as over time she writes about the death of her mother: The Long Goodbye

Dear Ones, This message comes to us from Angie Rupra, M.S.W., R.S.W., Pet Loss Program Coordinator, Pet Vet Hospitals, Ontario, Canada: *PLEASE CIRCULATE WIDELY* If you or someone you know has experienced the loss of a companion animal, don't miss this event! *It will be full of information, resources, and the chance to connect with others who have experienced the profound loss that comes with losing a beloved pet. *Pet tribute and song writer, TheDeadDogLady.Com, will be performing throughout the day! *A remembrance vigil will take place at 1pm. This will be a chance for us to formally remember and celebrate our beloved animal companions through a range of hands-on activities. If you are comfortable in doing so, please bring an item that you can post on the “Forever in Our Hearts” board (e.g., picture, piece of writing, etc.) Please see attached flyer for more details or visit www.petvethospitals.ca. For more information, please contact me at 1-866-226-8079, ext. 55 or angie.rupra@petvethospitals.ca. We look forward to seeing you there! Angie Rupra, M.S.W., R.S.W. Pet Loss Program Coordinator Pet Vet Hospitals WPMD2009Flyer.doc

Laurena, dear ~ I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved Fozzi, and I hope you'll continue to find some comfort here. I'm struck by your comment, "I do want to get another cat. Actually two. But I am terrified that they are going to want to go outside. I dont want my new kitty to even think about trying to get outside." It seems to me that, as the responsible adult guardian in this situation, whether or not a new kitty gets to go outside is strictly up to you ~ not up to the new kitty. Perhaps one way you can honor Fozzi, and find some meaning in his death, is to identify any lessons you may have learned from this awful tragedy. You might want to do some reading about this matter of keeping your cat (or cats) indoors. See, for example, Your Cat -- Indoors or Out? The Great Debate: Indoor Versus Outdoor Cats (If a pop-up ad for PetPlace appears when you go to this site, simply click on "Close this Window," and it will disappear.)

Amanda, dear, I want to point you to a lengthy and informed discussion that took place here a while ago that I hope you'll find helpful. Please take the time to read through all the posts in this thread: Complicated Grief Disorder

Talia, dear, see also the links mentioned in this post: Panic Attack?

Boo, I don't mean to interrupt this thread, but in the interest of full disclosure, I feel a need to respond to your statement that ". . . Marty couldn't possibly find the time to check every post all day long." I think it's important for our members to know that while I don't "sit" on this board day and night, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I do, indeed, check it several times a day, and I do read each and every single message that is posted in each and every forum on this site. That is what Hospice of the Valley expects me to do, as one of the moderators of our Grief Healing Discussion Groups ~ and that is one of the characteristics that sets our site apart from so many others out there in cyberspace. Research has demonstrated that message boards for the bereaved can be powerful sources of healing, provided that they are professionally monitored. Although I read every single post, you will notice that I do not respond to each and every message that is posted, and that is intentional on my part. I will "jump in" now and then to answer a specific question, to point someone to another resource, or simply because I have something to say ~ but I do not see myself as the "expert" here. I see each of you as the experts in your own individual grief experience. I am here to protect, support, encourage and inform ~ but also to learn, too ~ and you all are the most wonderful, generous and compassionate teachers I could ever hope to find. Beautiful, too, I might add

Oh my very dear Teny! I have tears of joy in my eyes and relief in my heart as I read your good, good news. How blessed this little darling is to have you as her grandmother, and may she grow to be as beautiful as she was when God first thought of her. We all share in your happiness this day ~ your granddaughter's BIRTHDAY. Hooray for you

Kevin, dear, if others don't understand, it's because they don't appreciate the special relationship you had with Tiger. This is your love, and your loss, and only you can measure how much Tiger means to you and therefore, how very much you have lost. Don't let anyone else tell you how much you "should" or "shouldn't" be loving him, missing him, and grieving for him. You've found the right place to take your grief. Here you won't find anyone who'll pass judgment on your legitimate right to mourn the death of your loyal companion.

Amanda, dear, you've come to the right place, and we all welcome you here. Why not begin simply by telling us your story? Can you tell us what happened, and share with us the details of the loss you experienced almost eight years ago?

And Talia, I know this sounds ridiculous, but when the pain and sobbing let up a bit, simply remember to breathe. That little one inside you needs that precious oxygen, and so do you. When you find yourself unable to focus on anything else, just focus on your breath. Sit or lie down, find a comfortable position, breathe in as deeply as you can through your nose, hold it for a moment, and exhale s-l-o-w-l-y through your mouth. Do this at least ten times in a row. This simple exercise is a marvelous way to nourish yourself and help bring your body back into a healthy balance. It's good for you, and good for your baby too.

Teny, dear, just click on these underlined words: Light a Candle: Online Memorial Ritual , and you'll be taken to our online candle site. Then just hover your mouse over the candles that are lit, and click on each one to read the messages that you will find there.

Teny, dear ~ This online candle is to let you know that we're all thinking of you today: Light a Candle: Online Memorial Ritual

Tim, dear, that is precisely why we're here: to listen without judgment or reproach, and to walk beside you as you make your way through this journey called grief ~ no matter how long or how difficult the road. Remember that when you are in mourning, you are especially raw and vulnerable, and everything you're hearing, reading, and seeing right now is passing through that dark filter of grief. Given what you've lost and how you feel right now, is it any wonder that the world and everything in it seems so empty and hopeless? A few moments ago in an article I was reading, these words stood out for me, and I want to pass them on to you, because I think they apply ~ not only to those of us bound by the common experience of loss, but also to our nation and to the world, as we face the difficult challenges ahead: We go through situations that test the mettle of our souls, but once we get through them, we become stronger.