MartyT

Shelley, dear, we're all sending healthy thoughts and wishes in your direction! We don't want this awful cold to get in the way of your reunion with your best fur-friend! Feel better soon, think positive thoughts, and take good care of you!

The latest update from Michele Neff Hernandez: YOU ARE INVITED to attend the first EVER National Conference on Widowhood July 17-19, 2009. This conference to be held at the beautiful San Diego Hotel and Marina in downtown San Diego, California is being held for YOU...widows, widowers, bereavement professionals, supportive friends and family, clergy of any denomination, and anyone who has been touched by the journey of grief. Why a party invitation? Because we deserve a celebration of all we have accomplished. We have done what many of us believed to be impossible...surviving the loss of our spouse. Join us in celebrating our courage, creating our future, and most importantly in building a support network for those who will come after us. Death is not reduced to tragedy alone if we can find a way to rise from the ashes. Come and show us the ways in which you have risen from your own personal loss, and give courage and hope to those who need to see that loving life again truly is possible. If you sign up with a friend you both save 25%! Travel togther, laugh together, and save money together!! Use the promotion code: SSLF81793XX5 when registering at www.sslf.org. Together we can make a difference, sign up today!

Me, too

Wonderful news, Wendy ~ We're so happy for you and your mom . . .

Casey, dear, I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I know your post has been sitting here for quite some time, waiting for another teen to find your message and respond to you. I hope that in the meantime you've taken time to read some of the earlier posts in this forum, to see that you're not alone. I don't know how you've been dealing with your mother's death these last five months, but there are certain things I would want any grieving teen to know, so I am going to share them with you now – and with others who’ll read this message. (Parts of this message were included in a response I wrote to another bereaved teen in this forum some time ago, but I think this material bears repeating here.) First, grief is best dealt with when you are able to show your emotional pain, talk with others and express your feelings about a loved one's death, and accept support from family and friends. I don't know what support you have available to you, but at your age (as a teen learning to separate from authority figures and find your own identity), it would be very normal for you to feel somewhat alienated from adults. That's why most teens normally turn to their peers for support. At the same time, they don't like to stand out and to feel different from their friends – they want to belong. I can tell you that grieving teens do best when they're helped to find peers who've also experienced a death. They're often very relieved to discover they're not the only ones who've had someone close to them die. I want to encourage you to find someone you trust (a teacher, school counselor, neighbor, friend, relative, clergy person, etc.) and with whom you feel comfortable talking. You need an opportunity to talk about this wonderful person who died and what was special about your mom. Tell about your experience with the death itself: where you were when the death occurred, what happened right afterward and what you're experiencing right now. Share any dreams you may have had about your mom. Write a letter to her and say whatever you need to say. Gather pictures, words and phrases from magazines and make a collage that tells a story about what you remember about her. Call your local hospice and ask if there are any support groups or programs in your community aimed at teens who've lost a parent. (See Find a Hospice Program to search a data base that contains all the hospices in your geographic area.) Go on the Internet and find some of the other sites that offer information, comfort and support to teens who are grieving. See especially these and other sites listed on the Child, Adolescent Grief page on my Grief Healing Web site: The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Teens Helping Teenagers Cope with Grief KIDSAID: 2 Kids, 4 Kids, By Kids When A Parent Dies Learn what normal grief looks like and feels like, so you'll know that what you're experiencing is normal and that you're not alone. (See, for example, the articles, books and resources listed on my site's Death of a Parent page.) Think about what you need from others right now and let them know about it. People won't know what you need from them unless you tell them. You also need to know that grief changes through the years. It will change you as well, influencing who you are in the present and affecting who you'll become in the future. This death of your mother must be worked through, adapted to, and integrated into your life, as different situations will require you to accommodate this loss again and again. You will re-visit your dmom's death continually as you grapple with its meaning— emotionally, socially, economically and spiritually— and as you struggle to find a place for her in your present and future life. Finally, know that death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. The special bond you have with your mother will stay with you just as long as you keep her memory alive in your mind and in your heart. She will always be your mother and you will always be her daughter. In a very real sense, your mom is very much here with you now, wherever you are, because her spirit and her memory live on in you, and because you are so very much a part of her. In many ways, you are more inseparable now than you were before, because you are not limited by space and time and distance. I'm so glad you found your way to this special place, my dear, and I hope this information proves useful to you. Please accept our deepest sympathy over the loss of your mother, and know that we are thinking of you. And to any other teens who may one day come across this message, please know that you are most welcome here as well. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Peggy, dear, see also I Don't Care How Long It's Been -- Can We Talk about My Loved One?

Teny, dear ~ please see the very first post in this thread (dated January 12), where you'll find directions on how to use the Special Days Calendar. If these directions don't answer your questions, please let me know, and I'll do whatever I can to assist you.

This timely and informative article comes to us from our friend Tony Falzano, and is reprinted here with his permission: Keeping Your Home After Losing a Loved One© 2009 by Tony Falzano In Massachusetts, Bill and Sharon have emotionally “shut down” and ignored their daily responsibilities, including paying their mortgage. Three months after the death of their teenage daughter, they were on their way to losing their home to foreclosure. In California, a middle aged woman named Sonya, suddenly lost her husband. She had no insurance, no savings and no job. She did have 2 teenagers and a seriously delinquent mortgage. The stress caused by the loss of her husband was now heightened by the prospect of losing her home too. Every day, across the country, delinquent homes turn into foreclosures due to people suffering from some kind of loss. There is the loss of income due to unemployment, divorce, incarceration or a tenant not paying. There is also loss of one’s health. And there is the loss of a loved one that causes our world to turn upside down and in some cases, puts us underwater in our financial obligations. In addition, related medical expenses and funeral costs can extinguish savings or retirement plans. So when someone falls behind on the mortgage, there is no money to fall back on. Tremendous strain can be on the homeowner at a time when they are already carrying a cargo of grief. And one thing is for sure, no matter how tragic the loss, foreclosure is inevitable if the mortgage obligation is ignored. The good news is dealing with your delinquent mortgage may be easier then dealing with the emotional wounds of grief. Many lenders are eager to make a workout arrangement whenever possible. This is evident by the number of phone calls and letters you receive from the lender if your loan is delinquent. A resolution to your delinquency will save the bank time, money and a property that may be deteriorating in value and condition every month. The simple fact is this: banks want your money, not your home! For many lenders, foreclosure is the last resort. Here are some suggestions if you or someone you know is dealing with grief and on the way to losing their home. It’s important to act quickly at the first signs of trouble. Contact the bank’s customer service department and ask for the Loss Mitigation or Workout department. Make this call even if you are embarrassed. You are not the first individual asking for help under distressed circumstances! Give your loan number to the representative. Many times that will assure you are transferred to the right individual. If you’re not able to perform this function yourself, find a responsible family member or neighbor; one that is trustworthy, knowledgeable of your affairs and one who is ‘patiently persistent’ as it may take some time to obtain a resolution. Typically, you do not need to spend money on having an attorney or mediation company represent you. Save the money to pay down the debt in the event the lender puts you on a plan. You will need to sign a letter authorizing your representative to speak on your behalf. Once with the person handling your account, you will be asked if your situation is temporary or permanent. Another major question will be assessing your financial condition; “Can you afford the house with the monthly income and expenses you have?” If you can, then the lender will most likely want to keep you in the property. They will ask for pay stubs and bank statements to show your monthly income and expenses. They may also ask for tax returns and other documentation. Here are a few common retention plans; one of which may be offered to you depending on your financial situation. FORBEARANCE AGREEMENT: This is a verbal or written plan that states the lender will temporarily hold off legal action when a mortgage is in arrears. This is an attempt to come up with a suitable arrangement to bring your account current. For example, the bank may give a customer 30-60 days to bring the account current with a pension or insurance payout or cash from a 401K program. REPAYMENT PLAN: This arrangement provides for the reinstatement of your loan by allowing you to make scheduled payments towards the delinquent amount in addition to your regular payment. For example, if your monthly mortgage is $1,200.00 and you are 2 months behind ($2,400.00) and your income supports this plan, the bank may elect to have you pay your regular payment, $1,200.00 and an additional $200 each month. Then after 12 consecutive months, the loan will be contractually current ($200 X 12 = $2,400.00). LOAN MODIFICATION: This solution takes all the arrearages such as late charges, property inspection fees, along with taxes and insurance and foreclosure attorney fees and costs and adds them to the current unpaid principal balance (UPB). For example, if the UPB is $100,000 and the delinquent amount is $10,000, the new loan amount under the modification will be $110,000. Often the lender may extend the amortization period, usually back to the original term. The lender may also adjust the interest rate. Sometimes forgiveness of a portion of the debt is approved. All or some of these measures will calculate a lower monthly payment that may enable you to stay in the property, as it did for Bill and Sharon. Instead of dodging another call from the bank, Bill answered the phone. On the other end was the bank’s Asset Manager in charge of their account. In 35 minutes the 2 gentlemen discussed the situation. The couple’s financials were taken and since they qualified, Bill and Sharon were eventually approved for a modification. Now if the lender determines that you cannot afford the property, do not despair. The news may be initially hard to hear but there are advantages if it’s clear you cannot afford the home. First, your health and pocket book will be better for it. Also, your credit may be less derogatory if you cooperate and work with the bank in this resolution. Finally, there will be less stress as you will now have a helpful solution. If you cannot afford the property, the two (2) options that may be presented are a deed-in-lieu of foreclosure or a short sale of the property. DEED-IN-LIEU-OF-FORECLOSURE (DIL): If the property is free of other liens or encumbrances, the lender may agree to take the property back and release the homeowner from further liability. The benefit to the bank is that they save time and money of foreclosing. This savings can be huge in states where there is a long foreclosure time line, such as New York, New Jersey and Illinois. The benefit to the homeowner is it quickly releases them (usually 30-60 days) from obligations and burdens of a property that they ultimately cannot afford. SHORT SALE: This is where the homeowner is allowed by the bank, to sell the property for an amount less than that which is owed in order to avoid foreclosure. Realizing she couldn’t afford the mortgage, Sonya listed her property for sale with a reputable real estate broker. Working with the lender, the broker secured a buyer who paid market value for the home (usually the lender’s most current appraised value). Sonya was able to contribute to a successful outcome which made her feel better. She also saved a little of her credit and a lot of her sanity so she could deal with the other life changing issues. One final thought, you are the homeowner so ask questions about how each option will affect you. The loss of a loved one is out of your control. But the stress of a foreclosure as it relates to this can be avoided. If you find yourself in this situation, reach out and ask for assistance. Help others to help you! [Tony Falzano has spent over 20 years working in banks, financial institutions and with Wall Street Investors assisting home owners to come to a timely resolution of their delinquent mortgages. He also speaks to groups on this subject and offers the benefit of his experience to guide mortgagors on making the best decision if they are behind in their monthly payments. In addition, Tony is an award winning songwriter whose CD, In Abba's Arms, contains 12 original instrumentals designed to be an "inspirational companion" that brings comfort to the bereaved in need of healing and hope. The CD is also used by many to enhance quiet contemplation. Tony's other articles, We Never Said Goodbye, Journal Your Journey through Grief and Music: Helping to Heal Those Who Grieve, also appear in this forum, and are reprinted with his permission. Tony can be reached at tonyfalzano@AOL.com]

Patti, dear ~ While doing some work on my Web site this morning, I came across this article, and thought of you immediately: Running through the Pain

Patti, dear ~ I had a feeling that whatever this was would be about as awful as it could be. I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you, and to all the others who are or will be touched by this most horrible of deaths. I am reminded that , in his just published book, noted grief expert J. William Worden has written: Richard McGee, who directed a large suicide prevention center in Florida, believes that “suicide is the most difficult bereavement crisis for any family to face and resolve in an effective manner” (Cain, 1972, p. 11). My own clinical experience with survivors of those who die by suicide confirms these observations . . . there is general agreement that the three main themes found in suicide bereavement are generally not found in other kinds of death losses: Why did they do it? Why didn’t I prevent it? How could he or she do this to me? (Jordan, 2001). [J. William Worden, in Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, Fourth Edition, © 2009 p. 180] Surviving a suicide has been discussed before in our forums, Patti, and for now I want to point you to one such thread in hopes that it will offer you some information and support: My Baby Sister is Gone. Not all of it is relevant to your situation, but I think you'll find all the posts in this thread to be helpful just the same. See also the articles and resources listed on the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site. As for helping your friend's family, see the articles listed on my Helping Someone Who's Grieving page, such as: Helping Another in Grief Helping a Suicide Survivor Heal (Scroll down the page until you come to this title) Helping Survivors after Suicide Above all, Patti, my prayer for all of you is that one day you will remember that your loved one's entire life was so much more than how he spent the last few moments of it. You are in our thoughts and prayers as you work through whatever lies ahead, and please promise us that you will take care of you as well as you are trying to take care of everyone else.

Dear One, I'm so sorry to learn of the tragic and violent deaths of your relatives ~ and yes, your response is absolutely normal under the circumstances. To discover that such an unthinkable thing can happen ~ to members of your own family, no less ~ shatters your assumptive world and turns upside down your sense of safety in this world. I urge you to do some reading about traumatic loss and the effects it has on survivors, so you'll have a better understanding of your own reactions and some idea of how to manage them. A very good place to start is to check out the links I've listed on the Traumatic Loss page on my Grief Healing Web site. See especially A Murder in the Family.

Shelley, dear ~ We're so happy for you! Give Chelsea a big kiss on her nose from all of us!

Patti, dear ~ we don't know what has happened in your life right now, but we understand that it requires your full attention. Please know that whatever it is you're dealing with, we are here for you, holding you in gentle thought and prayer . . .

Kath, dear ~ Since my oldest son is a well-respected professional in the insurance industry, I took the liberty of sharing your concerns with him to see what he would recommend to you. This is the response I just received from him via e-mail: Mom, My response would be as follows; Kath, I'm so sorry for your loss. As someone who has been in the life insurance selling business for nearly 20 years, I can say that I have spoken to many people over the years in your circumstance. Thankfully, I was able to provide many of them with a lot of support too. My advice would be to make an appointment with an insurance professional whom you trust. Have that person do a life insurance needs analysis that will help you nail down just exactly what/whom you want to provide for. Once that number is established, then you match it up with a premium you can comfortably afford. In my professional experience, buying life insurance from credit card companies or offers that come in the mail from your bank etc. tend to be very expensive and you often do not know what you are buying. It makes much more sense to have a professional evaluate your needs and consolidate them into one plan that will you give you peace of mind and the simplicity of paying one premium instead of many. Chris Tousley, LUTCF Farm Bureau Financial Services Phone (480)483-8787 Fax (480)483-8981 Registered Representative/ Securities & services offered through Equitrust Marketing Services, LLC* 5400 University Avenue West Des Moines, IA 50266 877/860-2904, Member SIPIC *Company of Farm Bureau Financial Services

Chai, dear ~ I don't think I would characterize your response to your supervisor as "lying." Consider the setting and the context. I would expect that a part of you wants your boss to see you as competent and capable of functioning at work, even though you both know that you're also in mourning for your beloved father. That is the double bind that we mourners always find ourselves in ~ we're literally falling apart on the inside, and working like mad to present to the outside world that we're neither crazy nor incompetent, so they won't treat us any differently from any other employee or, heaven forbid, fire us because we cannot do the job. That is very difficult, indeed. So when you told your supervisor that you were okay, perhaps you were simply reassuring him (or her) ~ and yourself ~ that even though you're still very much feeling and dealing with this very significant loss in your life, you're still capable of doing the job that you're supposed to be doing in the library. You may not be up to par and at your best right now (as in "I'm just fine, thank you") but you're fairly certain that you'll get there eventually (as in "I'm okay.") Is that such a bad message to be sending to your boss? As for "not admitting all the pain," I think that's a very healthy way to manage your grief! You can do your grief in pieces, you know – and you don’t have to do the work of it all right now and all at once! Just continue to do the things you already know how to do: writing, journaling, meditating, dreaming, reading, remembering – but with the intention of paying attention to your grief. Just as you are doing with your studies, set aside some time each day to pay attention to your sorrow at losing your beloved father. Experiment with it as you go along, and take it in manageable doses, say for a half-hour each evening, at the end of your day. Immerse yourself in memories: bring your dad to mind, talk to him in your head, remember him and recall or write down your favorite stories about him. Just for that specific time-frame, admit all your pain and let it flow, knowing that when your time is up, you are done with it for today, until your grieving time comes again tomorrow.

Dear Bdzack, You said, "If any of you have any advice of a good way to spend a day like today...please let me know. There is no gravesite, he was cremated and is on my shelf. So I visit every day. Our agreement is that he would be put in the box with me when I go...so we can snuggle forever. Is that legal? I do not know but I sure hope so." You may find this article helpful: Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day As for having your own cremains co-mingled with those of your husband after you die (or having his cremains placed in your casket), I'm fairly certain that there is no law against doing this ~ in fact, many couples decide to do the very same thing. You might simply make a phone call to the mortuary you used for your husband and ask that very question, just to put your mind at rest. Make sure, however, that your wishes about this have been written down somewhere and have been made known to your other family members.

Wow, Mike ~ what a powerful song. I found it on YouTube, here: Would you be willing to add it to our list on our Grief Songs Web page? If so, go here, http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/blog/?p=41 then scroll down to the bottom of the page, where it says Leave a Message. Be sure to include the song title, the artist, and the YouTube link. (You don't need to put anything in the space that asks for your Web site.)

Hi Em ~ See if this post helps: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=25831

Dear Mary, I, too, am glad you found your way to this warm and caring place, and I want to encourage you to spend some time (if you choose to make the time) to explore some of the excellent resources I've listed on the Care Giving page of my Grief Healing Web site. You say you "don't have help and cannot get it," but there is a wealth of information and support available to you as a care giver, and it's as close as the keyboard on your computer. You just have to look for it. Since you're "sitting on your computer day after day hoping for relief," I sincerely hope that instead of just sitting and hoping, you'll spend some of that time finding and utilizing some of these resources. Like all the rest of us here, Mary, you have grief work to do, but you have no time or energy to do it ~ unless and until you first get some help and support in your role as a care giver. The only one who can demand that for yourself is you ~ but first you must believe that you're entitled to it. To think that you can do all of this all by yourself is terribly unrealistic, and totally unfair to yourself. We are here to tell you that you're worth it, you deserve it, and you have every single one of us right here pulling for you.

Hi Shelley, I don't know where your family is right now with this matter of relinquishing Bogey, and I don't know if you have any say in the matter anyway ~ but I think it's important to know that today there are specialists in animal behavior and/or obedience training, who can offer you some alternatives in dealing with any dog's troublesome behavior. You'll find a number of them listed on my site's Animal Behavior Specialists page. Has your family ever watched Cesar Millan's television program, The Dog Whisperer, on the National Geographic channel? That might be one way to expose them to the idea that, instead of "getting rid of" Bogey, there are other alternatives they may want to consider first.

Good evening, my dear ones. From my heart to yours, thank you for your birthday greetings, and for your very kind words about our site. I am grateful to all of you for being the loyal, compassionate people that you are, for your devotion to one another, and for the essential part you play in making this place as safe and healing as it is. Our site is a reflection of all of you, and it wouldn't be what it is without the loving presence of each and every one of you. I am honored to be a part of you, and I am very proud of us. What we all do here for one another makes my heart sing And let me add my voice to yours in wishing Mike and Shelley a Happy Birthday, too. May we all celebrate together the gift of our being!

Our thoughts and prayers are with you all, Shelley . . .

Chai, dear, your experience with your friends illustrates how difficult it is to get the kind of support you need from those who've never gone through a significant loss themselves. Have you considered asking your counselor to start a support group for you, or to help put you in touch with others your age who may have lost a parent, too? You may be surprised to discover that there are others on your campus who are struggling with the death or terminal illness of a parent, as well ~ you just need a way to find one another. A while ago I mentioned the National Students of Ailing Mothers and Fathers Support Network (www.studentsofamf.org). What would you think about writing to its founder, David Fajgenbaum (david@studentsofamf.org), to ask how you might go about finding other bereaved students on your campus so you can get together with some of them? David is a fine young man ~ I have corresponded with him several times ~ so if you decide to write to him, feel free to say that I encouraged you to do so.

Mary Linda, dear, as long as you are a part of us, you are not alone. You are in our thoughts and prayers today, and every day

My dear Kim, I'm so very sorry to learn of this latest challenge in your life. You've had way more than your share! Please know that you are always in our thoughts and prayers. I have alerted my colleagues in the Bereavement Office at Hospice of the Valley to see if there is anything we can do to help you in this situation. I will keep you posted as soon as I learn more.