MartyT

My dear Ellen, I know that you feel lost, afraid, and empty right now, but you have managed to find your way to a very special place, and we will walk beside you on the difficult road that lies ahead. You have our deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved daughter. The picture you've included is beautiful, and your baby looks so completely happy and safe in your loving arms. Please tell us her name, and everything that is special about her . . .

Teny, dear ~ I've written a note to June Cook, producer of my online e-mail course, asking her to write to you to explain how the delivery system for the course would work. After you hear from her, please let me know if you have any further questions about it.

My dear Teny, Difficult as they are to endure, the feelings you describe so vividly (still having a hard time nine months into your grief journey; sleeplessness; yearning for your beloved; wishing you could be together again; feeling as if you can make it one moment, only to be drowning in sorrow and desperation the next) are all normal. You say you’ve not yet found the courage to visit Yiany’s grave, and right now you don’t know if you can ever go. Even as you keep telling yourself that your husband is away on a long trip and he will come back to you , you cannot stop crying, because a part of you knows the brutal truth. Even though you know in your head that Yiany’s death is real, your heart does not want it to be so. Everything in you is begging for a different ending to this tragic story. That is the internal struggle we all face as we come to terms with the reality of loss. I am reminded of this poignant poem by Nessa Rapoport that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane traveling west, crossing the date line again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss still lies ahead, and you are here instead of sorrow. — Nessa Rapoport, in A Woman's Book of Grieving The points that Derek, Kay, and Patti have made about “acceptance” are valid, and I hope you will take them to heart. I know that some folks have trouble with that word “acceptance,” because in truth the death of our loved ones will never, ever be “acceptable” to us. If that particular word bothers you, substitute the word “reconciliation” or “integration,” and understand that it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to that point in your journey. These three are telling you that there is no shortcut through the minefield of grief work. We must experience the heartbreak of grief, lean into it, and embrace it fully before it begins to loosen its grip and the pain begins to ease. If you’ve read any of their earlier posts, you will find that all three of these members have worked very, very hard to get to the place where they are now, and just like you, they sometimes felt as if they would drown and not make it to shore. They’re all a bit further along than you are now, so their perspective has changed over time ~ but I hope their voices of experience will give you hope and faith as you continue on your own grief journey: the kind of hope that says, “If they can make it through this, so can I” and the kind of faith that says “I believe I can survive this loss, and I will find a way to heal.” Trust that, with the understanding, compassion, and support you’ll find here and elsewhere, you will heal, but in a way and in a time frame that are unique to you. Always keep in mind that this is an individual journey. Others are here to listen, to help, to guide, to suggest, to share what worked for us. But we are not you, and comparing yourself with others or judging your journey against anyone else’s will not help you heal. Grief is universal, but the way we handle it is unique to each of us, and there is no right or wrong way to go down this road. I don’t know what else you’ve been doing to help yourself get through this, Teny, but I believe very strongly that knowledge is power, and the more you know about the subject of normal grief, the better you are able to understand and manage your own reactions. That’s why I encourage all our visitors and members to do some reading about the process of grief, in addition to reading some of the other messages posted in these grief forums. I suggest that you go on the Internet and find and read some of the excellent books and articles written on the subject of loss and transition. See, for example, some of the references listed on the Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page of my Grief Healing Web site, and follow some of the links on my Site Map / Links page (look under the categories entitled Death of a Spouse, Articles by Marty Tousley, and Articles by Other Authors). Consider taking an online e-mail course on grief, such as the one I wrote for Self Healing Expressions: The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Go to your corner bookstore or public library or to one of the online bookstores and browse the grief and loss category. I also believe that the work of grief should not be done alone. I don't know what is available to you in Greece, but I urge you to think seriously about joining a bereavement support group in your community or talking with a grief counselor. Try contacting your local church, hospital, hospice, or mortuary to see what bereavement support is available to you. At the very least, please keep coming here to share your story with us. When traveling this road becomes too difficult, stop here and rest for a while. You will always find someone willing to sit with you and hold your hand until you feel ready to pick up and keep going. We will not leave you alone on this journey.

Hi Libby, Lesson 23, Recognizing Signs of Your Own Progress, is part of an online e-mail course I've written entitled The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. You can read more about it, including reviews by those who've taken the course, by clicking on the link.

I've wondered the same things: What is it, and what's its Web address? This may help: Wickipedia: About Facebook Facebook: The Complete Biography Facebook Web site

My dear Ramona, I'm so glad you found your way to this very special group of caring and compassionate people, and I've no doubt that in time, you will hear from one or more of our members who can personally relate to the experiences you describe. In the meantime, I want to point you to some helpful resources I've listed on the Death that Brings Relief page of my Grief Healing Web site. One is an article that seems written just for you; the other two are books that I think are especially relevant to your situation. If you click on the book titles, you'll be taken to Amazon's detailed description and review of each.

He's beautiful, Patti. I'm sooooo glad you figured out how to put his picture up so we can see him every time we hear from you!

Dear Chandra's Mom, You may be feeling guilty (when we are grieving, so much of what we are feeling doesn't seem to make much sense), but that does not mean that you are guilty -- and the only people who would think that doing the work of mourning is not hard are the ones who've never lost a loved one to death ~ most especially an adult daughter! Keep reading the posts you'll find here in our forums, and you'll soon discover that with us, you don't have to explain what you are doing with your time ~ we already know. This is some of the most difficult, gut-wrenching work you will ever have to do, and please don't let anyone (including that nagging little voice in your own head) tell you that you are not "doing anything very productive."

(Forgive me for interrupting, but I just feel a need to insert this thought ~ You dear, sweet people never cease to amaze me. You take such good care of one another. I am so proud of you, I treasure each and every one of you, and I love you all dearly )

Geri, dear, you said, "Its very scary to think that when you die it doesn't take most people in your life very long to forget you it seems. I think how can it be so easy just forget such a beatiful soul such as Brenda." I am reminded of these lovely words from Elaine Stillwell: "If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing." We have to find that special way that will allow us to sing our loved one’s song loud and clear . . . Knowing you are doing something to keep your loved one's memory alive keeps you passionately busy, allows you to tell your sacred story, adds joy to your heart, brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life, and rewards you with a meaningful life again. Your loud voice will echo in many hearts making sure your loved one is never erased from memory. [source: Elaine Stillwell, in "Singing Their Song," Grief Digest, Volume 2, Issue #4] In the weeks and months ahead, as you continue to find your way through this grief journey that is uniquely yours alone, perhaps you can think about the ways that you could continue to sing Brenda's song. As long as you remember Brenda, and keep her memory alive, she will never be forgotten. You could begin simply by telling all of us what was so special about her . . .

Evelyn, dear ~ I do not mean to interrupt what is being discussed here, but I just wanted to thank you. Your post is filled with the wisdom that comes from experience, and I am grateful that you took the time to share it with all of us. P.S. It's so nice to hear from you again

Annie, dear, your most recent post has left me in tears. You are so deserving of the compassionate words you received from your dad's doctor yesterday, and I am so grateful that he said those things to you. He is right ~ you and your brother didn't just fall off a turnip truck ~ obviously you learned some very valuable lessons about love, devotion, loyalty, and honor from both your parents. Your father is blessed to have you in his life right now, and I am certain that your mother is smiling down upon you from her special place in heaven. We feel honored that you have allowed us to accompany you on this long and difficult journey, as by your shining example, you have taught us some very valuable lessons, too.

I FEEL SO SELFISH AND GUILTY ABOUT BEING SUCH A MESS OVER THIS WHEN SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WENT THROUGH IT AND DIED. Yes, Geri, that is true, but your friend's suffering is over now, and you are the one who is suffering now. Such is the nature of grief. I think you will find, if you take the time to read through so many of the heartfelt messages posted here, that what you are feeling is normal and perfectly understandable under the circumstances. You may find it helpful, too, to visit this page of my Grief Healing Web site: Death of a Friend. So often in our culture this sort of loss is not recognized as significant, and unless you find yourself in the company of other mourners, you may end up feeling very isolated. We do not even have a word (like widow or widower) for those whose close friends have died. Coming here to share your feelings and reactions and reading about what is normal in grief ~ especially in the grief that accompanies the death of a dear friend ~ can be very comforting, as it will help you to feel less crazy and alone.

As you do this, Shell, please carry us with you in your heart, just as we are carrying you in ours

Good for you, Shelley! I am soooo proud of you! You go, Girl!!!

Hi Shelley, You said, “I just do not know how to arrange to go and see the person I was seeing without having time and a way to get there... My sister thinks I am just crazy and does not want to hear anything else about it from me....” If I understand you correctly, you want very much to go back to see your grief counselor, but the primary concerns are making the time to do so, and finding a way to get there. Since you are dependent on your sister for transportation, you’re also faced with having to convince your sister of the importance of your returning to counseling at this time. I’m reminded of a wonderful article by our good friend Peggy Haymes, entitled Top Ten Reasons for Avoiding Counseling. In hopes that it will encourage you to trust your instincts and do what you need to do to take good care of your own mental health ~ and in hopes that it may help you “make your case” with your sister ~ you'll find Peggy's list here: Are You Reluctant to Seek Grief Counseling? You might also consider printing out the article and giving it to your sister to read as well.

Hi Steven, No, if I understand you correctly, we do not have the feature you describe. As one of the administrators of the site, I do have the ability to ban the use of certain words and phrases that we would consider inappropriate or offensive, but we cannot sort posts by filtering out certain topics / comments.

We've been missing you, too, dear Walt! How lovely to see you again. Welcome home

Dolores, dear, my heart is aching for you, too. I am the mother of two grown sons, one of whom is presently on a dangerous mission in the Middle East, despite all my pleading and wishing and hoping and praying that he would just stay home. I fear for his safety each and every day, and I've often thought what would happen to me if something happens to him. I cannot begin to imagine the anger, helplessness, sorrow and despair you must be experiencing in the aftermath of your boy's senseless, accidental death. Clearly you would have given your own life in exchange for his, if only that could have saved him. Believe me, I know that, and as a mother I certainly do understand it. Please know that we're all thinking of you and holding you in gentle thought and prayer. If you've not been there already, I want to invite you to explore these pages on my Grief Healing Web site, where you will find additional sources of information, comfort, and support: Death of an Infant, Child, or Grandchild Traumatic Loss As we often say to those dear souls who find their way to this place of warmth, compassion and love: There is nothing we can do to take away your pain, but we can assure you that we will not let you bear it all alone. Wishing you peace and healing,

Shelley, remember the famous line attributed to Lau Tzu and Confucius: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Whenever I remember this saying, I think of the cartoon I once saw that shows a wise old man in a long robe, leaning on his walking stick, standing next to a young boy with a knap-sack on his back. They're both gazing at the huge mountain that looms before them in the distance, and the old man is speaking to the boy. The caption reads, "A journey of a thousand miles often begins with the realization that a thousand miles is a heck of a long journey." The simple fact of the matter is that the only way to get from where you've been to where you want to go is by mustering the courage to begin, and then to take one small step at a time. Eventually, all those small steps add up to a whole lot of movement. Shell is right; it does not matter how big your steps, as long as you keep moving forward. This writer uses another analogy: Think of a car driving through the night. The headlights only go a hundred to two hundred feet forward, and you can make it all the way from California to New York driving through the dark, because all you have to see is the next two hundred feet. And that’s how life tends to unfold before us. If we just trust that the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, and the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, your life will keep unfolding. And it will eventually get you to the destination of whatever it is you truly want, because you want it. – Jack Canfield, in The Secret, p. 57

Obviously your husband knows a whole lot more about the workings of our site than either you or I do, Maylissa. Can we have him?

Shelley, three cheers and a hip, hip, hooray for YOU! Yippppeeeeee

Maylisssa, dear ~ I'm so sorry, but as much as I can determine, all the controls are working properly, and have not changed from how they worked before. I am unable to explain why your controls are working differently. On my machine at least, your signature is still showing up as purple, too. All I can suggest is that you try re-booting your computer to see if that helps. Please do let me know if this does not help, and we will go from there.

Notice to All Our Discussion Group Members and Visitors: We have been notified by Invision Power Services that our Discussion Groups site is being moved to a new server, making it temporarily unavailable to all our members and visitors. This will begin at 11:00 p.m EST tonight. We are deeply sorry for the interruption in service that results, as we know how much this site means to each of you and how much you've come to depend upon it. We also recognize that this inaccessibility may feel like yet another loss for you. We beg your indulgence as we work diligently to upgrade our service. Please rest assured that we intend to have the site back up and running as quickly as possible. Again we apologize for this interruption, we thank you for your patience, and we look forward to your returning to the site.

We love you, too, dear Kay, and we are all pulling for you. Please do whatever is necessary to take good care of you