MartyT

Dearest Kay, You are in my thoughts and prayers, too. You are such a dear and special part of our GH family, and it hurts my heart to know that you are struggling so. We're all pulling for you, and I just know that has to count for something! Keep your precious chin up and know that we are with you! I've found some resources that I hope might offer you some alternatives, in case you haven't considered some of them: Final Details: A Checklist Final Details: Claiming Benefits Final Details: Necessary Papers Final Details: Steps to Take Finances: Looking Ahead Low Income Help

Hi Kelly, If it makes you feel any better, I'm just as nutty as you are. I do the same thing whenever I leave my home, and for the same reason -- I always think to myself that if anything happens to me while I'm gone, I don't want someone to come in and find my house in a mess. I do think it stems from your own experience of going through Josh's things, as I have had to do with both my parents' belongings after they died. Now I am very conscious of what I want my children to find amongst my belongings and in my file cabinets, should anything happen to me. Instead of thinking of this as nutty or wierd, pat yourself on the back for taking responsibility for what you choose to leave behind and for what messes you're not willing to leave for someone else to clean up after you. That, it seems to me, is being very mature and considerate of others -- at least that's how I choose to see it in myself!

Dear Andy, The topic of your posts is an important one, and it gives me an opportunity to say a few more words about Complicated Grief. First, however, I want to acknowledge that, as you are well aware, the death of a relationship is just as painful as any other loss, and it’s one that we’ve addressed previously in this forum. See, for example, a thread that appeared in October, 2003, under the topic, "Two Months and I Am Still Weeping." Although the topic was introduced by a man whose divorce had happened just two months prior to his post, you may be interested in what I said to Matt at that time, including the books and online resources I suggested to him, as I think you may find them helpful as well. Just click on this link: Two Months And I Am Still Weeping You are correct in your observation that there is an effort afoot to place “complicated grief” in the next issue of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders (DSM-V), which is the most widely used psychiatric reference in the world. Mental health professionals and researchers are currently working to agree upon specific criteria for identifying and assessing complicated grief – in order to get payment for treatment and funding for research, to identify those at risk, and to distinguish depression from complicated grief. The concern among many experts and practitioners in the field of grief and bereavement is to what extent this effort to label complicated mourning as a psychiatric disorder “pathologizes” normal grief. Some believe that grief should not be a diagnostic category at all, because that in itself makes it a problem. Experience demonstrates that the distinction between uncomplicated grief and complicated grief is not clear, since most signs and symptoms occur along a continuum from less severe to very severe. Even in papers published in the professional literature, the terms that are used to describe it keep changing (e.g., complicated mourning, abnormal grief, pathologic grief, neurotic grief and traumatic grief) – and everyone agrees that a lot more research in these areas is needed. The condition is not limited to the loss of a person through death, either. People can experience complicated grief following any significant loss: a home, a career, loss through infertility, or loss of a cherished companion animal, for example. Last October I heard one grief therapist suggest that a better term for complicated grief might be compound grief (as in “compound fracture”). “Temperatures of 99 and 106 are both fevers,” she said, “and the objective is the same: to get the fever down. If we let it run its course, the body will heal itself. The struggle toward rebirth is a necessary part of the process, in order for us to grow. Literally fighting for one’s life is not pathology, not disease – it is health.” She made the point that we human beings are designed to heal naturally – physically, emotionally and spiritually – and grief is a natural process. When it is interfered with, she said, it can become complicated. So just what is complicated grief? It is the usual and expected grief reactions taken to the extreme – when normal grief reactions become so severe and last so long as to significantly impair one’s functioning in the world: socially, occupationally, and in activities of daily living. It is grief that becomes chronic or prolonged, is delayed or inhibited in some way, or is distorted by other underlying issues or pre-existing conditions. Danger signals include suicidal thoughts and / or plans to act upon such thoughts; self-destructive behaviors; severe mental disorganization; deep feelings of guilt, regrets and low self-esteem; continued irritability or violent outbursts of rage; radical, sudden, shocking changes in lifestyle; and physical symptoms that imitate those of the deceased. Contributing factors include the nature of the loss or death (sudden, violent, multiple, etc.), the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased, the personality and life experiences of the bereaved, and other social issues Any of our members (and anyone reading the posts in these forums) quickly observes that severe symptoms that persist for many months and even years do not necessarily indicate complicated or pathological grief. Since there is no simple formula for determining when grief becomes complicated (that is, how severe is too severe; how long is too long; and how dysfunctional is too dysfunctional), when in doubt it is always wise to seek an assessment by a qualified mental health practitioner who is familiar with complications of grief and psychiatric disorders. And in a sense, all grief is complicated, because any significant loss turns our entire life upside down, and we are faced with learning to live in a world forever changed. In the words of clinical psychologist and certified grief specialist J. Shep Jeffreys, I offer yet another impression of ‘normal’ grief and complicated grief. I approach all grief reactions as a complication in the life of the individual who seeks help with this human phenomenon. We travel life’s roadway and suddenly, around the bend, the bridge is out. A death, a life-threatening diagnosis, accident, layoff notice, or other traumatic change has painfully altered the course of our journey and requires a new way of looking at life. The process of grieving represents a disruption, a need for altering our direction, our plans, and how we identify ourselves in the post-loss / changed world. Normal grief presents many complications and deserves the help of a care provider who is an exquisite witness. People who are grieving deserve care at whatever level their situation requires whether we call it complicated or not. At all times, individual differences must be taken into consideration when determining how we as care providers will serve them. – J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., C.T., in Helping Grieving People: When Tears Are Not Enough, Brunner-Routledge, © 2005, p. 293.

Dear One, I, too, am so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious Marco. To lose any cherished animal companion is heartbreaking, but to lose one in such a sudden, unexpected and violent manner is terrifying, and I cannot imagine what this experience has done to you and your perception of the world around you. There is precious little I can add to the wisdom that's been shared with you already, but I'd like to offer some resources that may bring you some comfort. Just follow the links I've listed below: Rainbow Bridge (Flash Animation) Do Pets Go to Heaven? Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers Dogs Have Souls, Too Dog Heaven Gone to Dog Star Heaven's Playground Light A Candle Pet Loss Quilt (These and many other wonderful sites are listed on the Pet Loss Links pages of my Grief Healing Web site.) Finally, my dear, there is not one of us who can take away your sorrow and your pain at losing your beloved Marco -- but we want you to know that you don't have to bear your sorrow and pain all by yourself. We are here for you, all of us, and we will not let you walk this way alone. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful man. Thank you so much, Kelly, for helping us to know your Josh just a little better . . .

Dear Shelley, I know from all you’ve shared with us in other posts that relinquishing your beloved Chelsea has been one of the most difficult aspects of your grief journey, and I can’t imagine how much you must miss her being right there with you now. Hugging a stuffed animal when you need a hug is fine, but it can't compare to hugging Chelsea, can it? Even though you know Chelsea is alive and well and living with your brother, you still are left with the presence of her absence in your own daily life, and it certainly doesn’t make you miss her any less. I want to address your concern that if anything happens to Chelsea, “if I am not there she will know that I did not love her enough to be there with her.” Have you ever watched a program on the National Geographic channel called The Dog Whisperer, featuring Cesar Millan? Cesar is today one of the most sought-after experts in dog behavior. I’ve watched his television program often enough to be convinced that he has a very special gift: his unique ability to understand and work with dog behavior, based on what he calls “dog psychology.” In his best-selling book, Cesar’s Way, Cesar Millan makes the point that “animals are beautifully simple. To them, life is also very simple . . . The most important thing to know about animals is that they all live in the present. All the time. It’s not that they don’t have memories – they do. It’s just that they don’t obsess over the past, or the future . . . That’s perhaps the most wonderful revelation I have had from a life of working with dogs . . . Although humans are animals, too, we are the only species that dwells on the past and worries about the future . . .” When circumstances are such that an animal must be relinquished to a suitable new home, Cesar says, “This may be heartbreaking for you, but the good news is, dogs do move on much faster than humans. The dog will feel disoriented at first when he moves to a new pack, but in nature, wolves do change packs when the need arises. If a pack gets too big for the resources in the environment, wolves will split off and find or form new groups. If you find the right home for him, your dog will adjust after a day or two. It’s his instinct to adjust and try to fit in. He’ll recognize you if he sees you or smells you again, but he won’t spend his time pining for you. Remember, dogs live in the moment.” I share this with you, Shelley, in hopes of reassuring you that Chelsea is probably much happier living with your brother than you may think, and it’s highly unlikely that she is spending her days being mad at you for abandoning her, or thinking that you don’t love her enough to be there with her. One of the most wonderful things about dogs is their willingness to forgive their humans; they love us unconditionally, and they don’t hold grudges against us – that’s partly why we love them so much. And as Cesar Millan says, they don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future – they live fully in the present. I have a feeling that all of this is much harder on you, Shelley, than it is on Chelsea. If in your heart of hearts you considered Chelsea as your "fur child" you would not be alone. As an animal lover myself, I can assure you that I love my dog Beringer just as much as I love my (human) children and grandchildren -- and that does not mean that I cannot distinguish between my love for humans and my love for animals. It's just that our animal companions love us in a way that's DIFFERENT from how our fellow human beings love us -- the love we feel from our pets is unconditional, complete, unwavering, loyal to a fault, completely without judgment -- is it any wonder that we miss them so much when they are no longer with us -- regardless of the reason? And in some ways, having to relinquish our pets to someone else can be even more painful than knowing they have died -- because we know that they are still here in this physical world, but they are not present with us. So it's hard to know how to continue loving them in their absence, especially when we know their unconditional love is now being given to someone other than ourselves. All of this can leave us feeling angry, guilty, sad, lonely, jealous -- as well as pleased, proud and grateful that we were able to find someone else willing to provide our beloved pets with a happy, loving home -- an entire mish-mash of conflicting feelings! And you are NOT crazy or silly to be having any of these feelings. These are NORMAL reactions. Grief is a NATURAL response to losing someone we loved very much, and we grieve in proportion to the attachment we have to those we have lost. In that sense, grief is the price we pay for loving. You may be thinking, "I shouldn't feel this way because I know my dog isn’t dead" -- but feelings aren't always rational, and they are neither right or wrong -- they just ARE, and it's very important to acknowledge and express them so they can be dealt with, worked through and released. Yes, your Chelsea is still alive, but she is no longer with you, you still miss her terribly, a part of you may still feel guilty for having to give her up in the first place, and you still need to let yourself grieve your loss of her. I cannot say whether visiting Chelsea once a month will help -- you know yourself and Chelsea better than I do -- but I can alert you to some things you may want to consider. Since she now lives with your brother, I’m going to assume that he is providing a loving home for her. Does visiting Chelsea in her new home make it more difficult for you to adjust to her loss -- or harder for Chelsea to adapt to her life without you? Might your brother mistakenly get the impression that you are "checking up" on him and don't trust him enough to take proper care of Chelsea? Do you see this as a temporary or a permanent arrangement? In other words, did you relinquish Chelsea with the idea that she now belongs to your brother? When you see the two of them together, do you get the feeling that they’ve bonded with each other, and that Chelsea now looks to your brother (rather than to you) as her primary person, the leader of her pack? If so, does that stir up any negative feelings (of sadness, guilt, jealousy, etc.) in you? If you see this arrangement as permanent, Shelley, it may help both you and Chelsea to find a way to say “goodbye” to her. Keep in mind that saying a proper and thorough goodbye to Chelsea doesn't necessarily require that you are together with her physically, and it doesn't mean that you won't ever visit her again. This goodbye is more for YOU than it is for Chelsea. Perhaps you can say goodbye to (and ask forgiveness from) her spirit, by creating some sort of special goodbye ritual -- use your imagination and do whatever feels right for you. Light a candle, write a poem, plant a rose bush in her honor, create a little place of remembrance complete with photographs where you can go to think about and remember (and talk to) your lost dog in your new home -- whatever you do is totally up to you. What's important is that you find a way to meet your own need to say goodbye, so that this precious dog is freed to move on with her new “master,” and you are freed from all those negative and painful feelings. Keep in mind, too, that although you must find a way to let Chelsea go, you need not let go of the relationship you have had with her -- for that will stay with you as long as you keep your memories of her alive in your heart and in your mind. Remember, talk about and cherish all those special moments -- that is her legacy of love to you. Relinquishing her to someone else does not mean that you must erase all memories of her in your own life, or that you can never visit her again in your brother’s home. Why would you want to do that when she meant so much to you? This is more of a symbolic relinquishment, acknowledging the sad reality that Chelsea no longer belongs to you, that now she has become your brother’s dog. Whatever you decide to do is strictly up to you, Shelley. What really matters here is for you to find some peace, and as you continue on your journey, I hope you’ll let us know what you're thinking and how you’re doing with all of this. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Maylissa, my dear ~ I am so proud of you

Oh my dear Shelley, that is not wierd at all. There is nothing to replace being hugged by your mother or your dad, and I too would give anything to feel once again the warm and tender embrace of either of my parents. Let's take a page from Shell's book: put your arms around yourself and give yourself a great big hug, and know that it comes from your mother and your dad. Then give yourself another one, from all the members of your GH family here.

Dear Rayon, The feelings you describe are neither “right” or “wrong,” because you simply cannot control what you are feeling – you can only control what you do with what you are feeling. As you come to learn more about what is normal in grief, both through your own experience and through your contact with other mourners here in these forums, you will find that you are not alone in your reactions and you are not “wrong” or “bad” for feeling as you do ~ as I’m sure many of our other members will tell you. That’s one of the benefits of participating in these forums. In the meantime, you may find some of these earlier posts helpful: How Do You Handle Guilt? Heartbroken Suddenly All Alone

Chrissy, dear ~ You said, “I thought that I wouldn’t feel this emptiness and loneliness once [the baby] came, but the last few days I have been longing for Jason so badly . . . The baby brings me so much joy and I am so happy to have a piece of him here with me but He can’t fill the void that was made when Jason died.” When Jason died, you still had ahead of you the enormous and frightening task of delivering your baby without Jason by your side, as well as the overwhelming responsibility of bringing home and caring for a brand new infant all by yourself. You had to muster all the strength and courage you had within you to accomplish these enormous tasks, which I suspect left very little room for you to ponder and experience the full force of your grief. As horrible as you must have felt right after Jason died, you also may have deluded yourself into thinking that you’d feel better once the baby was born, when you’d have baby Jason upon whom to focus your attention. Now that the baby is here and you’re home all alone with him, you’re gradually discovering the enormous responsibilities of being a single mom, the reality of which can be overwhelming. At the same time that you’re adjusting to being a brand new mother, in addition to your housework, there is grief work waiting to be done. The enormous reality of your loss, the reality of Jason’s physical absence in your life, your aloneness in parenting this child, is now only just beginning to push itself into your conscious awareness. The first task in grief work it to acknowledge the reality of your loss, and that is what you’re doing now, whenever you have those moments when you’re acutely aware of Jason’s absence and you find yourself longing for him. It’s at those times that you need to acknowledge your feelings, give in to them, and find some way to express them – whether that’s by coming here to vent, or by crying your eyes out in the shower, or by raging at the heavens. Do whatever works for you. Nevertheless, because you’re all alone adjusting to your role as a brand new mom, I know there is precious little energy left over for you to do your grief work, and that’s okay. This is Mother Nature’s way of cushioning you against the full force of your loss, and I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to take your grief in smaller doses, letting it in just a little bit at a time, as you have time enough and energy enough to give it the attention it demands. This is a normal and healthy thing to do, Chrissy, and in your particular circumstances, I think it is a matter of survival for both you and your baby.

Dearest One, We’re all so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved mother; please accept our heartfelt sympathy. We already knew your mama was a very special lady, but by sharing these wonderful stories about her, you’ve helped us see her through her daughter’s eyes, and we are so very grateful to you for that. In her willingness to share so openly and honestly in this forum how it felt to be saying goodbye to everything and everyone she’s ever loved, your mother gave all of us the priceless gift of seeing grief and loss from the unique perspective of the person who is dying. For one who lived her life so selflessly in the service of her immediate and extended family, I simply cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for your mother to say goodbye to all of you, much less for all of you to see her go. I'm sure you already know that the bond you have with your mama will be with you always, just as long as you keep her memory and the love you share with her alive in your heart. You will always be your mama’s daughter, and she will always be your beloved mama. Death may have ended her life, but it certainly does not end the relationship you have with her. Although she is no longer physically present, it doesn't mean that you cannot continue to love her in her absence. I hope the precious memories you have of your dear mama will one day bring you comfort, and that you’ll come to find, in the lovely words of Hugh Robert Orr: They are not dead who live in lives they leave behind. In those whom they have blessed, they live a life again, and shall live through the years eternal life, and shall grow each day more beautiful, as time declares their good, forgets the rest, and proves their immortality. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this sad and difficult time. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Hi Maylissa, At the top of the main page, on the right, you'll see several links: Admin CP · My Controls · View New Posts · My Assistant · 0 New Messages Clicking on the View New Posts link enables you to see a list of all the posts that have appeared since your last visit to the site. As you read each post, using your "back" feature, you can keep returning to the "View New Posts" list until you've read all the posts on the list. Once done, go to the top of the page and click "Mark all forums as read and return to index." This simply removes the list of new posts on the "View New Posts" page. Alternatively, when you click on the "Mark all posts as read" feature on the main page, the same thing happens. All the new posts on the "View New Posts" page will be removed from the list. No harm is done -- all the posts still appear in each of the forums and nothing is "lost." Also, note that on the main page, when there is a new post in a forum, there's a blue button on the left next to that forum that is highlighted. Once you click on the "Mark all posts as read" feature, the blue button reverts to its original state. I hope this makes sense -- if not, let me know . . .

The following article appeared in the September / October 2006 issue of In Touch: Hospice of the Valley Bereavement Newsletter. Where Dandelion Seeds Fall This column will present stories of inspiration. Each life is filled with meaning, values, ideas and dreams. When a life ends, perhaps these qualities are set free and scatter, like dandelion seeds in a breeze. They might take root somewhere else and grow into new plants. Sometimes, we don’t even know where a beautiful new idea comes from, but we are inspired to make it grow and thrive. If you have a personal story that shows the power of inspiration in those who survive, please let us know. “Grief Gone Wild” Helps Bereaved Teens On a weekend rafting trip down the Salt River a year ago, Bereavement Department Administrative Assistant Cory Olson tightened her grip on her paddle as the raft pitched into a rapid. The raft bucked and threatened to capsize. “Dig! Dig!” shouted the guide. Cory felt a rush of fear, energy, resolve and focus. Paddles struggled with the river currents and won, as the boat cleared the boulders and holes all around. A flash of inspiration took root in Cory, and she wondered if grief and despair could be turned into hope and triumph through confronting survival in a wilderness experience. She brought the seed of inspiration to Stacia Ortega, head of Hospice of the Valley’s Circle of Life outreach to bereaved teenagers. With the excitement and support of many others, this seed grew into an innovative program called “Grief Gone Wild.” For five days in July 2006, 15 bereaved teens -- plus staff and volunteers from Hospice of the Valley and the City of Phoenix -- journeyed together running the San Juan River in southeastern Utah. They used ceremonies, rituals, play and adventure to help the teens understand and work through their grief. The teens' losses included two fathers killed by gunfire, both parents succumbing to AIDS, a close friend who committed suicide, a friend struck and killed by a car, and siblings and parents lost to disease. Each day began and ended with "Circle Time and Talking Stick," a time to honor departed loved ones. HOV volunteer Walt Carr played the flute every morning to open the circle, as the teens took turns saying their names and the names of those they had lost. The floating memorial was a pivotal moment midway through the journey. Teens and artist/volunteer Manny Wheeler constructed the wood raft, with each teen pouring sand onto it in remembrance of their loved one. A prayer of remembrance was spoken. The raft was released to the flow of the river, carrying memories downstream. The only girl on the trip wrote this about her experience: “This is truly a life changing event. My mother would be so excited, stoked and proud of me all at the same time. I’m doing this trip for her because she was never given such an amazing opportunity. I’m so proud of myself for conquering the fear I had for the untamed outdoors. Just looking around at the canyon and bright beautiful stars brings tears to my eyes. “I think that everyone should take a few days off from their crazy lives and find out what life means to them...go rafting or mountain climbing something that brings you to a place that civilization has not yet destroyed. What a blessing it is to be here, not only to find peace with the loss of my mother and to have a blast, but also to find myself.” Hospice of the Valley provided the funding and grief expertise through staff members Stacia Ortega and Cory Olson and volunteers Walt Carr and Xevi Cargol. The City of Phoenix's Adaptive Recreation Services division, which has coordinated rafting expeditions for the last 15 years, provided the expertise of Ann Wheat and T.J. Penkoff. The trip was made possible through donations from CIGNA HealthCare and the Southwest Section of the PGA of America, which sponsored a Pro-Am benefit golf tournament in April; and the Employees Community Fund of Boeing Mesa. The teens will continue to meet with their counselors throughout the coming year to help strengthen and cultivate the fruits of this exceptional experience. A “Grief Gone Wild” trip is being planned as a yearly event. [Note: See Grief Gone Wild for details about next summer's trip.]

Grief is a Journey. There is plenty to discover along the way. Grief Gone Wild A wilderness experience for grieving teens. Grief Gone Wild is a program just for grieving teens. It allows young people to join others like them on a personal journey down the beautiful and exhilerating San Juan River in Utah. This wilderness adventure is offered by the City of Phoenix Parks and Recreation division, with teens sponsored by Hospice of the Valley. Grief Gone Wild is a five-day river rafting expedition designed to help teens move toward peace and acceptance. Along the way, they will engage in special activities. They will share with others. And they will get a chance to work through their grief as they experience life all around them. Dates: June 28 - July 3, 2007 Costs: Teen portion $75 Grief Gone Wild is adult-supervised by a team of wilderness and bereavement specialists, hospice volunteers and experienced river guides. For more information about Grief Gone Wild, call 602.530.6987 or 602.530.6970. Hospice of the Valley is a not-for-profit offering comfort and dignity to patients and families as life nears its end. [Read a detailed account of this year's Grief Gone Wild river rafting trip in The Latest News, at Grief Gone Wild Helps Troubled Teens.]

Penny, dear ~ Here is a birthday gift for you, and for all of us: We Send You Our Blessings

Dear Tootie, I'm so very sorry to learn about your best friend's sister-in-law ~ and how good of you to be seeking information on how best to help her through this sad and difficult time. The articles Kelly suggested are excellent, but since their focus in on helping after a death has happened, I thought you may find this article helpful, too: Helping a Friend Who Is Dyingby Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Your friend is dying. This is an extremely difficult time not only for you, but for your friend and all who care about him. This article will guide you in ways to help your friend-and yourself-during the last days of his life. Read more . . . We also should note that How to Help a Friend in Griefwas originally written by Bill Jenkins and is taken from his insightful book, What to Do When the Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss (3rd Edition). We don't know who originally wrote the Wish List; it first appeared on our site in March, 2005 with the author listed as "Unknown." You'll find links to these and many other relevant resources on our Helping Someone Who's Grieving page.

Dear John, As I read the lovely e-mail exchange between Jack's son Tom and yourself, I couldn't help but put myself in Tom's place, thinking what it would be like to receive such messages from one who knew and loved my father as fully as you knew and loved Tom's dad. I hope Tom realizes how blessed he is to have as fine as man as you are in his life, and in the lives of his daughters, too. You are a rare and precious gem, dear John, and I wish my father could have had a man like you in his life to love him so completely. I only hope that I honor my father's memory the way that you continue to honor your beloved Jack's. You are an inspiration to us all.

Dulci's mom, I think you might find this post (and this entire thread) of interest: Letting Go of the Ashes

Dear avsqr_dancer, If every time you think of Tawny you start to cry, if looking at her picture is still too painful for you, if you're wondering if it's still too soon "to begin working on the memorial part," then I think you've answered your own question. As we've said so many times before, there is no right or wrong way to do the work of grief, and there is no specific time frame for any of it, either. There is only your way, which you simply figure out as you go along. Listen to what your heart is telling you, and do what makes you feel comfortable. I once had a woman in my pet loss support group whose black cat had died -- it was an entire year before she was able to so much as look at another black cat, much less at a picture of her own beloved Onyx. It was just too painful for her. On the other hand, when my precious cockapoo Muffin died, I gathered as many pictures of him as I could find, made a collage for myself, and hung it on the wall -- I was so afraid that I'd forget his darling little face. You see, my dear, it is different for all of us, and the same thing that brought me comfort might cause you great pain. That's why it's good to share our ideas for doing grief work with one another, but only with the understanding that what has worked for one person may not work for another, and that's okay.

LifeGems is a company that creates diamonds from the cremains of your loved one, and the only drawback is the cost, which can be quite expensive, depending on the size of the stone that is created. Be aware that LifeGems is just one of several companies offering unique and meaningful ways of memorializing a beloved pet -- you'll find many additional ideas among the links I've listed on the Pet Loss Links / Memorializing page of my Grief Healing Web site. You can read more about LifeGems at LifeGems for Pets. Whether we are mourning the loss of a person or that of a cherished animal companion, remembering the one who died and honoring the life that was lived in an important part of the mourning process. Your searching for ways to keep a part of your beloved Dulci with you certainly is not wierd, especially if it brings you comfort.

This message comes to us from Karolijne van der Houwen, Principal Investigator for this study: The Centre for Bereavement Research and Intervention at Utrecht University, The Netherlands, is currently inviting people to participate in an international study into the efficacy of a new grief intervention. This intervention consists of five different homework assignments that are sent to participants by e-mail. Assignments will take on average 30 minutes to complete. You are cordially invited to participate in this study if you meet the following inclusion criteria: 1. age 18 years or older 2. native English speaker 3. having experienced the death of a partner, parent, child or sibling and being significantly distressed by this 4. access to computer and Internet facilities 5. in possession of a valid e-mail address Please visit our website - www.bereavementresearch.com - for more information and to register for this study. Thank you for taking the time to read this message. The research team, Jan van den Bout, Professor of Psychology Wolfgang Stroebe, Professor of Psychology Margaret Stroebe-Harrold, Associate Professor of Psychology Henk Schut, Assistant Professor of Psychology Karolijne van der Houwen, PhD candidate

Derek and Kay, my heart aches for both of you. Please know that you are being held in gentle thought and prayer tonight, and when each of you retires for the night, I wish you peaceful sleep, with roses on your pillow .

Dear Ones, You may find this article helpful; it's posted in The Latest News forum: I Don’t Care How Long It’s Been — Can We Talk About My Loved One?

Trudy, I'm sure that others here will share their experiences with you, but in the meantime, please let me assure you that you are normal . And the fact that you are a participating member of an online grief discussion group is a pretty accurate indicator that you are not in denial about your mother's death. Adjusting to this very painful reality is not like turning off a light switch. Grief is not a single event -- it is a process that must be experienced and assimilated into your heart and soul and mind. Knowing and believing that this irreplaceable person, this one and only mother of yours, has really and truly died is way too much for you to take in all at once. It must be taken in gradually, one little portion at a time, as you are ready, willing and able to absorb it -- and that's okay. It's like the proverbial elephant that cannot be eaten all at once. You must take it in in little bits, as you are able to digest it. This is nature's way of protecting you right now, and you might think of it as a positive thing rather than a negative one. We human beings are very well-defended, you know, and we are quite capable of taking in only as much as we feel capable of handling at any given time. Please don't worry about not being able to help someone else right now. Just feel your feelings and share with us what you are feeling. That in itself enables someone else, who may feel exactly the same way as you feel now, to know that he or she is "normal," too.

Dear Ones, The topic of grief dreams is fascinating, and one that we've discussed previously in these forums. If you've not seen it already, you might want to read the post in our Behaviors in Bereavement forum entitled "Strange Dreams about Death," dated 28 November 2005. You can access it directly by clicking on this link: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...st=0entry2900