MartyT

My dear, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved sister ~ and what a lovely photo of her! Losing a sibling is a special kind of loss, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. I imagine that your son's seemingly indifferent reaction to this death, however justified it may seem to him, only adds to your pain and sense of isolation. I hope you have someone else in your circle that you can turn to for the comfort, understanding and support that you need and deserve. I also hope for your sake that you will seek the support of a qualified grief counselor who can help you through this traumatic loss. Your loss is also a classic example of Disenfranchised Grief ~ a term coined by grief expert Kenneth Doka that he describes as hidden sorrow, since it is grief that is neither publicly recognized nor acknowledged by others. I am pointing you to some readings that I hope will speak to you in a helpful way, if only to help you better understand what you are feeling and why, and to reassure you that you are not alone. ❤️ The Grief of an Overdose Death: Part 1 The Grief of an Overdose Death: Part 2 Five Tips To Help You Through The Grief of An Overdose Death Sibling Loss: When Grief Goes Unacknowledged Coping With Hidden Sorrow Understanding Disenfranchised Grief

I don't know what, if any, support you have available to you (i.e., relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, church groups, etc.) but if anyone you know has ever expressed condolences to you by saying "Call me if you need anything," now is the time to take them up on their offer. Can someone watch over the kids a few hours a week so you can have some time to yourself to attend to your "grief work"? For example, where in your schedule can you find the time and space to attend a grief support group? Have you reached out to Hospice of the Valley for support yet? Remember this: The best way to take care of your kids' grief is to take care of your own grief first. Taking time to work on your grief requires your willingness to make time for it! (See Finding Crying Time in Grief) Also, it's okay to schedule "mindless" activities that take you away from your pain for a while, if only for a few minutes or an hour. Watching old Johnny Carson or Carol Burnett shows is but one example. Playing with your kids is another ~ if you think of it as taking a break from your grief. Do it intentionally and with purpose. (Sometimes in grief we think that taking a break from the pain is an act of disloyalty to the one who died, as if our pain is a measure of our love ~ or if we have a positive moment it means we're forgetting our beloved.) Trust me, your grief will still be there when you return! ❤️

My friend, I notice that in your posts you openly share how you are feeling (which is fine and good, and I encourage you to continue doing that), but you don't say much about what you are doing with your grief. As I say in this article, I think the worst thing we can do in grief is to try to wait it out, or wait for something outside ourselves to happen. Grief is something that we can learn to manage – we need not sit passively in the face of it, just waiting for time to pass. The passage of time alone does nothing to heal our wounded souls. It is what we do with the time that makes the difference. (Read on here: Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief.) You may find these articles helpful as well. Both are written by members of our own Grief Healing Discussion Groups: Voices of Experience: For Those Whose Grief Is Relatively New by Harry Proudfoot Voices of Experience: My Self-Care Basket by Anne Gorman ❤️

I think it's human nature to worry that however we are feeling now, in this moment, this is how we will feel forever ~ and we wonder how in the world will we make it through? Think of a time when you had a bad cold or a sore throat. It's hard to remember what it felt like to be well ~ and we worry that the cold or sore throat will never go away. This is catastrophic thinking, and it happens in grief as well. The truth is that you will not feel this way forever. Grief changes over time, and you will change right along with it. Nothing in life stays the same. When you find yourself wondering how you're going to live through all these years with so much loneliness and pain, remind yourself that it won't always feel as lonely and as painful as it does today or in this moment. This is why we encourage you to slow down, to take it one day at a time, without worrying about how it will feel tomorrow or next week or next year. Focus on getting through today, and do whatever you can to help yourself to do just that. Let that be enough. ❤️

Like any healthcare service, hospice care may vary from state to state, and even within the same state, depending on the standards to which they adhere. The best hospices seek accreditation from, are surveyed by, and are certified by organizations such as CHAP, JCAHO, ACHC and CMS. Certification demonstrates to the public that these hospice programs adhere to the industry's highest standards for quality care. When you're looking for a hospice service for a family member, you are wise to conduct your own due diligence to make sure that the one you use is certified to provide the level of care you expect and deserve. Regarding Jimmy Carter, my understanding is that he announced in February that he would forgo further medical intervention and spend the rest of his life in Plains, Georgia. According to a May 23, 2023 article in Politico, "Three months after entering end-of-life [hospice] care at home, former President Jimmy Carter remains in good spirits as he visits with family, follows public discussion of his legacy and receives updates on The Carter Center’s humanitarian work around the world, his grandson says. He’s even enjoying regular servings of ice cream." I cannot speak to the level of care that your in-laws received, but I can tell you that standard hospice care would not deny a patient food or drink. If someone has the desire to eat or drink, there are no restrictions on doing so. However, for most patients, there comes a point where they simply do not want nor need food or liquids. Continuing to offer food and water, or opting for artificial nutrition or hydration (ANH)—such as nasal (NG) or stomach (PEG) feeding tubes or IV fluids for hydration—can actually complicate the dying process and lead to other health problems. This may have been the case with your in-laws. When a person is close to dying, the standard of care is to continue offering small sips of water/liquids, ice chips, hard candy or very small amounts of food via spoon if the patient can still eat or drink. Cues are taken from the patient in deciding when to stop. If they are no longer able to drink, their lips and mouth are kept moist with swabs, a wet wash cloth, lip balm or moisturizers. If you have serious questions about the quality of care your in-laws received in hospice, I would urge to request a meeting with the hospices you used, to get your questions answered and to put your concerns to rest. (See, for example, When Hospice Care Fails to Meet Caregiver's Expectations )

I see from your profile that you live in Chandler, AZ which means you are near Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix. I served as a Bereavement Counselor with HOV for 17 years, and I can say from personal experience that their bereavement services are second to none. I strongly encourage you to contact Hospice of the Valley's Bereavement Services, at (602) 530-6970 to see what support is available to you and your children. HOV provides in-person grief support groups at locations Valleywide at no charge to anyone in the community. These groups are diverse and inclusive, multi-cultural and non-sectarian. They are open to any adult grieving the loss of a loved one of any age or relationship. In addition, HOV offers up to 24 months of pediatric and family bereavement support for those grieving the death of a family member of any age, through its New Song Center for Grieving Children, at (480)951-8985. (Should you decide to contact HOV's Bereavement office, please feel free to say that I encouraged you to do so.) If you're wondering how a support group can help, I invite you to read Grief Support Groups: What Are The Benefits? and Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You ❤️

The Men’s Grief Network® is a project of The National Widowers’ Organization to help men coping with the loss of a loved one. Read MGN blog, Dating blog, About Men’s Grief, Join a Webinar to learn more. JOIN OUR FREE WEBINAR: July 26, 2023, 8:30-9:15 pm EST A frequent question asked by widowers is about returning to the dating world. This new step is challenging to the widower and their family members for a variety of reasons. To address these questions and issues the National Widowers’ Organization will present a free online seminar on July 26, at 8:30pm (Eastern Time). The event will feature a widower sharing his story with Christine Baumgartner, a widow who is a professional dating and relationship coach. She specializes in providing answers to widowers and their families as they try to adjust to the challenges of entering new relationships. There will be opportunities for questions and answers from the attendees. Christine provides a weekly blog to the National Widowers Organization about dating and relationship topics. She also maintains an ongoing blog at ThePerfectCatch.com. Register here To register, please provide your name and email address. Upon registration, you will be sent a confirmation email. Please use this email to access the online workshop. A reminder email will also be sent the day of the event. For more information contact Executive Director, Fred Spero, at info@nationalwidowers.org. Disclaimer: The information shared in this program is not intended to act as a substitute for any legal and mental health advice concerning individual situations; neither the Mens' Grief Network, the National Widowers’ Organization, its Board of Directors, staff and personnel shall be responsible for any outcomes arising from any information or exercises provided in this program. The National Widowers' Organization, Inc. is a 501c3 nonprofit corporation dedicated to helping men whose spouse/partner has died, and all men who have experienced the death of someone significant in their lives through the National Men’s Grief Network.

I've no doubt that the feeling you describe is horrible for you ~ but I think it's helpful to remember that feelings are not facts. Feeling as if you're coming apart does not mean that you are, in fact, falling apart! This is why it's can be so helpful to learn all you can about what is "normal" in grief ~ so you'll know what feelings and reactions to expect, and what you might do to better manage those reactions. Finding others whose experience is similar to your own also helps to ground you in reality, especially when you discover that what you are feeling is normal. ❤️

Hello my friend, and welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. It's good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place ~ and the very fact that you are "looking for advice on how to maneuver in this time" is evidence that you will survive. Oftentimes the hardest part of managing grief is to acknowledge that you are in need of help. While it doesn't seem like it now, I can assure you that yes, there IS hope for you and your family, because you are NOT ALONE. There is a vast array of resources available to you, as long as you're willing to look for and reach out to them. One extremely valuable resource, in fact, even carries the title, Open to Hope ~ "a non-profit with the mission of helping people find hope after loss" ~ and I urge you to visit their website, https://www.opentohope.com/. See also Soaring Spirits International, ~ whose "innovative peer-based grief support programs for widowed men and women serve a worldwide population. Based on the powerful connections created by shared experience, we endeavor to ensure that no one need grieve alone." I encourage you to take some time to explore the many programs offered there, at https://soaringspirits.org/. You'll find links to many more such resources listed here: Resources for Young Widow(er)s ~ including the peer support program Widower to Widower whose volunteers are widowers themselves and stand ready to contact you and offer individualized support. As a single dad with two youngsters struggling with the loss of their mother, please know that there are dozens upon dozens of resources to help you in understanding and supporting your grieving children. See, for example, some of the articles listed here: Children, Teens & Grief. See especially Children, Teens and Grief: Suggested Resources I don't mean to bombard you with too much information ~ especially when you're feeling so overwhelmed. Give yourself time to explore some of the resources listed, and don't try to do it all at once. That's like trying to eat an elephant. If you try to do it all at once, you will choke. I suggest that you think of this grief not as a race to some imaginary finish line, but rather as a journey that begins with a single step ~ and one that you will take one step, one day at a time. And give yourself credit for taking that first step by coming here! ❤️

Please see Taking A Look At The Stages of Grief, including links to Related articles listed at the base. ❤️

I'm so sorry, Kevin. How I wish we had a more effective and compassionate approach to mental health care in this country. Families like yours have nowhere to turn when one of their own is in such desperate need of intervention and protection. Your daughter is suffering, you and your family are suffering, and who knows who else may be at risk from whatever dangerous behavior she may engage in. At the very least, can you alert the physician who prescribes her meds, in hopes of obtaining some professional guidance here? I cannot imagine the anxiety and stress this is causing you . . . 🧡

Oh Marg, I'm so sorry to learn this awful news about your Ferris Yaris Toyota ~ but so grateful to know that you're (relatively) all right. Please take good care of you, and know that we are pulling for you! ❤️

My dear, I can assure you that your feelings are valid, and you have every right to be angry and upset with your siblings. Besides, feelings are neither right or wrong ~ they just are. You cannot control what you are feeling ~ but you most certainly do have control over what you DO with those feelings. Given the history you describe, I strongly encourage you to reach out to Al-Anon, whose purpose is to support and encourage those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. You need and deserve all the informatio, understanding and support you can get ~ and help is readily available to you. All you need to do is to reach out and ask for it. Al-Anon meetings are held both virtually and in person. An internet search for “Al-Anon meetings near me” may be sufficient to discover them. However, you also can contact your local chamber of commerce, hospital, physician, and library for a community schedule. Some local newspapers list dates and times for Al-Anon meetings. Because all meetings must be registered in the AA database, you can call the main call line for information: Call 800-839-1686 Toll Free. Privacy Guaranteed. No Commitment. Help is standing by, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Find further information here: Al-Anon: What It Is and Who Is It For? Help is standing by 24 Help is standing by 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.hours a day, 7 days a week. Help is standing by 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Who Answers?

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life is that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson Dear Ones, This month marks a special milestone for our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups. Our site has been available to anyone using the Internet, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, since MAY of 2003! That is how long we've been here with one another, day after day, month after month, year after year ~ finding our way together through the loss of someone dearly loved, whether that is a person or a cherished animal companion. I hope that each of you takes great pride in what's become of this website since you first joined it, whether that is recently or several years ago. It belongs to each and every one of you. It would not be what it is today without your watchful presence, experienced input, fierce loyalty, loving compassion and ready willingness to accompany (and so often guide) those who've come after you on this difficult journey of grief. I cannot think of a more meaningful way to honor your departed loved ones. They must be so proud of you. You are very, very dear to all of us, and most especially to me. I hope you will celebrate with me our 20th Anniversary, in any way you see fit. Your loyalty and continuing support for our mission make all the difference. From my heart to yours, thank you for being an essential part of what makes us so special. Happy 20th Anniversary to Us!

Lovely to hear from you again, my dear ~ and thank you for your very kind comments about our site. ❤️

And so are we, dear Karen! ❤️

Just be aware that, for some of us, the second year can be even harder than the first. Don't set yourself up to expect it to be better, only to be disappointed. It will be whatever it is, and what you decide to make of it. Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Caren. Clearly you did everything you could to save your beloved Oliver, but in the end you had to let him go. I know your heart is broken. In the days and weeks ahead, I hope you will find ways to memorialize your darling boy. Give yourself the time and space to mourn the loss of him, and know that you are not alone. Here you are among kindred spirits, all of whom are animal lovers and each of whom have been where you are now. You might find some comfort in reading about the grief that accompanies the loss of a cherished animal companion. Doing so won't change how you are feeling, but may help you better understand why. See, for example, In Grief: When Pet Loss Feels Worse Than Person Loss and Pet Loss: Finding Peace After Euthanasia ❤️

If you missed it "live", you can still watch this outstanding program!

WELCOME TO THE FEBRUARY e-LETTER FROM WINGS This is a Special Tribute issue to my husband who died Jan. 15, 2023. I hope you find something helpful to you as you get to know this loss in my life. Our regular content will resume in May Click on the link and page down to the current e-Letter. You can also download the e-Letter to read later. Link: https://www.wingsgrief.org/ This is a FREE ELetter. We encourage you to pass it forward to others who might benefit. Thank you for following Wings. -- Nan Zastrow nanwings1@gmail.com Nan & Gary Zastrow | Founders of: Wings--a Grief Education Ministry (1993) 302 S. 56th Avenue, Wausau, WI 54401-3806 Visit Wings on FACEBOOK website: wingsgrief.org

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Keeping you and your dear Marley dog in our thoughts and prayers, dear Karen, and sending hope for healing 🧡