WendyJ

Teny My Dear Far Away Friend, I too am having a hard time, I still cry and miss my husband so much and wonder after almost 35 years of being together with him how I will ever get over this. I have alot of things going on in my life now also that are hurting me a great deal and I wonder each day how I will continue to go on but like you each day comes and I am still here. My thoughts are with you each and everyday Teny, you know I love and care for you and if you have the need please write me privately again any time you want...and yes some day in the future I will make it out there to visit you ! Love Your Friend, Wendy

Annie you did what your Mom requested and you should be proud of that, but unfortunately they are gone now and you need to do what you feel is best for you and for your children and I think I know what your decision is going to be by reading what you have written. Do you know how we always say the anticipation of the event or the date is always worse than the actual event itself? You may find that it applies here also, if it were me, and I know it isn't, I would want to get this off my conscience and get it out in the open now and move on. I can tell this has been eating at you and that is not good, do what you think is best for yourself and for your children, and please let us know how it is going. Love You, Wendy

Annie I believe they should be told the truth, although they are probably alot smarter than you think and may already know. I believe in complete honesty, and at that age they still think that things like that can't and won't happen to them or people they know and need to realize these things can and will happen if they are not careful. What was it they were told they died of in the beginning and how close together in time did they die? I believe the worst part was in them dying in the first place and I am so sorry this happened, but I think you will all feel better if the truth was brought out and you can all talk about it openly and honestly. The best of luck to you ! Love, Wendy

Chai, Oh no, you neither upset me or offended me, this is a rough road that we are both on and I think we would both agree that we wouldn't wish it on anyone. So many different emotions are running through us and surfacing, I just hated to see you having such bitterness and was hoping to show you that you are not alone and there are people that will never know some of the happiness you did have with your Dad, although too short. Cherish every moment you did have with your father that is something that I never got to experience. I still had a wonderful childhood, but will never know some of the joys you have experienced having your Dad in your life even if it was not as long as it should have been for you. But I know there are people out there who may not have had their Mom as long as I have so for that I will always be grateful. We have to all stick together here and give eachother our support, that is why this site was originated. Love, Wendy

Chai, I am trying very hard to understand your bitterness, and in a way I do but I want to give you a couple things to think about. First my mother has been battling Cancer for over a year now, has been through hell and back and so have the rest of us in our family who have been there for her each and every moment and we have already lost 2 family members this year, my Step Grandmother and my Husband..... and for me 5 months before my husband was my best friend since kindergarten who died of a heart attack. At one point they said my Mom was cancer free but now it is back again and we are going through this all over again. Please, because people like my mother have elected to go the route of chemo as compared to not please do not have any bitterness towards them if they are hanging in there like my Mother or others who have survived it, they are or did go through hell. I understand you wish your father had beaten it too and so do I but please do not feel any bitterness to any of us who still have our loved ones who are battling cancer or to the ones who have beaten it. Also I never knew my real father, please feel lucky that you at least knew yours. I grew up very jealous of the other kids in school who had both parents and I did not. I did have a great family who spoiled me rotten and I had a wonderful childhood but I was jealous of kids like you who had both of your parents, I am sorry that your time was cut short with your Dad but please remember that when you think you have had it bad, someone else has had it worse and may be jealous of you. Love, Wendy

Kay, Sadly my relationship never would have happened either, that E-book describes the personality also of the person I was seeing and if I had known that I would have ran too and never gone through the hurt that I did. Sure the book tells you how to attract and keep that kind of person but why would you act fake and not be yourself to get a man? It says they have "run" issues and will continue to run in every relationship and never be happy till they find out why they do this. They will continue to hurt every woman they go out with and waste many years of their lives and in turn end up alone and miserable. What a shame as other than that this was a wonderful person whom I would have cherished and loved for the rest of my life. I have alot to learn now being out there in the dating world, but now I know what to look out for in a man and hopefully this will help to protect me from further pain and heartache. I want to be part of a couple again, I miss that so very much and even though nobody could ever replace what I had with Steve a new relationship would be different and could be just as rewarding and special in many ways. I many not find them tomorrow or next month or next year but the right person is out there for me and next time I plan on being treated the way I deserve to be treated, and loved the way I deserve to be loved. My friends are right, I did nothing wrong...just fell deeply in love and got hurt and learned a valuable lesson the hard way. Love, Wendy

Well Kay you know that is what happened to me too, I wish I knew then what I do now as I would change how quickly things went. Yes friends first is a good way to go, too bad we don't have a crystal ball to see into the future ! Love, Wendy

The most special gift I ever received from Steve was not a tangible one. Many years ago I had surprised my husband with a brand new motorcycle that he wanted badly, I will not go into the full story as alot have heard this already. But the gift I received was the look of surprise, the tears of joy, of love, the excitement and the look of non belief on his face that I would do that for him. I will never forget that look and it made me the happiest woman alive that I could to that for him...make him that happy, that night will always be a special memory and I wish I had the opportunity to do something that special for him again. I get more joy out of giving than receiving and that night was one of the happiest nights of my life. Love, Wendy

Mike, I would spend it exactly the way you said you would, except I would add in there one of his fabulous neck, shoulder and back rubs that he would always give me that would cause me to crash sound asleep within minutes ! What a good question to ask ! But damn now my neck hurts ! LOL Love, Wendy

Not Coping, It sounds to me like you are experiencing anxiety, most of us have and I know I still do from time to time. I would call your doctor to see if he can prescribe something for you to take when this happens or ask his opinion on Melatonin which can be found in the health food store. I know from experience going away for a couple days or keeping busy does not always help, you can't leave it behind. You can try to relax though, take a hot bath, a nice glass of wine, try to read a book or yes take a nice long walk which may help your brain to release your own Melatonin from your brain. I know anxiety and panick attacks are not fun, and they hurt too. Good Luck to you. Love, Wendy

Kay, I so much agree with what you have said and I have learned that also from my own painful experience. The person I was going with and I just clicked from the beginning, were very compatible, had alot of fun together, had so much love for one another but moved way too fast and we did not see what was coming on his part...the need to run. Sadly it took a possible emergency to make us communicate and now have agreed we meant too much to each other to not try to remain friends but we screwed up what could have been a beautiful relationship that would have lasted a lifetime. I can not tell everyone enough to read again what you said, remain friends...don't talk too soon about the future and marriage etc. build on just being yourselves and having fun. This person told me it was him and not me...wrong...it was both of us...we both moved too fast and screwed things up. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and start all over and do things differently but I can't. Hopefully time will heal my wounds, and I will learn from the mistakes that he and I made and not make the same ones again. I think my advice to anyone would be first to try and wait at least 2 years before you get into a relationship and in the mean time learn who you are without your spouse now and learn to be happy with who you are. Once you decide to start seeing someone, take it slow, take it one day at a time and let everything just fall into place on its own... if it is meant to be...too bad I couldn't have posted this much earlier and taken my own advice, my ending may have been much happier. My love to all of you and I hope 2009 is a much better year, Wendy

Kath, Thank you so much for your wonderful post and your caring words and your encouragement. I am happy to tell you that things have changed for me, for the better. This person and I are back in touch and will remain as friends, close friends. We have worried about one another and missed the closeness we had and will learn by the mistakes we made and try to move on from there. God put us two together for a reason, now we just have to figure out what that reason is, but we know we moved much too quickly in the first place and it never gave us the chance to be just friends above all else. The pain in my heart is lifting and I hope it continues to feel better as I believe it will. So for now I am improving, but Kay still has a hell of a road ahead of her and she needs our continued love and support as I know only this group can give her. Thank you so much again and to all my friends here who have helped me through this sad experience with your continued emails and calls and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love, Wendy

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou Bob and Janet Jean and Walter Bob and Mel Teny and Yiany Mark and Julie Harry & Sherry Wendy and Steve

Suzanne, it is nice to hear from you again, and I have come to the conclusion tonight that I think I will remain single also and no longer date or be with anyone. I have been so damaged and hurt that I can not trust anyone ever again, and I am obviously too stupid to see when I am being lied to and used. This person that I was with had shown some compassion to another person today who is going through this also, but does not give a damn about how horrible and destroyed I feel. I can't take this anymore, I did nothing wrong to this person yet he hates me so much even though I was told it was him and I did nothing wrong to end this relationship. I don't understand how someone can do this to another person that they said they loved yet show them so much hate and expect that this person can go on with their lives not destroyed. Just when you think you have cried as hard and as much as you can you find out you haven't ! I can't even go on talking about this on the forum, I just can't do this anymore.

Marty thank you so much, I have just ordered John Gray's Mars and Venus Starting Over: : A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One and it just can't get here soon enough to hopefully make this pain go away. Love, Wendy

Oh Mike what a tear jerker that song is, I cried my eyes out ! Thanks for sharing that, what a beautiful song sung by a beautiful lady whose life was also cut way too short unfairly. Love, Wendy

Oops sorry my friend, I didn't mean it the way it sounded, you know I perfectly understand what you are going through, I am there with you remember? We will get through this Kay, you are deeper into this than I am, doesn't mean my heart isn't broken too and I am not hurting terribly but you have more at stake and more history with your guy and I for one will be here for you every step of the way ! I will not lie to you or myself, I still miss him but at least I am realizing finally after a month that there will be someone out there that will treat me like I deserve to be treated and love me the way I deserve to be loved and that goes for you too, some day very soon you and I will be happy again and deeply in love...I am sure of it !!! Love, Wendy

William you know I haven't posted in this section in awhile, just the new section but I wanted to come on here and wish you a very Happy Birthday ! You and I have been close friends for over a year now and have helped eachother through some very rough times and I just want everyone to know what a sweet and caring person you are and how much I value your friendship. Thanks so much for being there for me so much lately as I go through this most difficult time in my life. I Love You my friend and wish you and Denise all the happiness in the world ! Love You, Wendy

I know Kay, but you know how many times in the past have we been told and have told other people it is just a date on the calendar. I am going out for New Years Eve because I deserve to have fun, but that day is exactly 4 weeks since I was broken up with. It is going to be hard but I want to go out and have a good time and try not to think of him, I at least owe that to myself. And you know what, at some point I am going to meet someone else, and in time I will allow myself to open up to someone again, and not that I think he even will care if he knows I am seeing someone but if he does then he will have to deal with that. You will also meet someone again and they will love us and cherish us and put us back up on that pedistal that we both deserve to be on. You and I take our relationships very seriously and will do anything for our man as we have in the past so that man has to be pretty damn special and treat us pretty damn special... Love, Wendy

Oh boy Kay...get it out of your system ! I hear you loud and clear ! My problem is since my relationship was not that long that people can not understand why I am still grieving, like he had said they think I should just GET OVER IT...excuse me? Maybe that is easy for him because he never really loved me in the first place and used me and lied to me but like you said how do i just turn my heart off? I can't ! My brain is telling me it is better that this happened now than later and what if we had gotten married like we talked about ? Then what would have happened? Would I be going through what you are now? I trusted this person, I like an idiot believed everything he told me, I would have trusted him with my life. I will never open my heart so easily again and I am never going to be the same person again. People say I will get my own self back once I move on and get mad, well I am mad...damn mad at him and myself for being an ass, mad that I will never be the fun, loving and caring person I used to be, that me is gone. People think that once we move on that our old selves will come back, wrong ! Will any of them ever be the same after their loved ones died? No.... they won't and neither will we but we have to live with the fact that this happened to us because someone chose to do this to us, it is not like they died and it couldn't have been helped. We have suffered a loss and have to not only live with that pain but know that they have moved on without us and we are left here to suffer and if they can not understand that then maybe they never deserved us in the first place Kay, maybe we should think of it that way, maybe they just realized it before we did !!! Love, Wendy

Kay you need to remove all the reminders like I did, mine went in the garbage but you can box yours up and get them out of site since legally you can not dispose of them. That was one of the hardest things I had to do and it still bothers me that I did, but I had to remove all reminders of him. I know what you mean about raw pain, nothing anyone says or does makes it any better, only the person who gave you the pain can make it better and since that is not going to happen for either of us we have to endure this pain. Like you Kay I also have no desire to be alone, I miss being part of a couple, having someone to love and I have so much love to give to someone but next time I will be more careful and not make the same mistakes. I do not fall in love easily but when I do it is hard and for keeps and this is why I am having a hard time and mad at myself for being so stupid. I have been tossed aside and forgotten and he has moved on with his life and I need to do the same. It will take me longer but I will too, just not the same person I was before, that person is gone for good, that person died that night and I must live with this new person I have become. Love, Wendy

Kay and Mary Linda, You two have been a wonderful support system to me and I thank you so much. I did feel better yesterday after getting that out, but again today I am feeling sad. Maybe it is the long weekend off, maybe it is just too much extra time to think. My problem is he is on my mind from the minute I get up till the time I go to bed and I am not sure how to make it stop ! I guess some people would classify this as an obsession, but no, I was deeply in love just like when I met Steve. I want to stop thinking each morning that maybe this is the day he will call and say he made a terrible mistake and could we talk this over, I want to stop going over every conversation in my mind to try to make some sense out of this and why it had to happen. How could he tell people that he has met the love of his life and then in under a week say he doesn't love me enough? This grief is no different than when someone dies, except when someone passes there is a final goodbye, you know they are not coming back, here you always know they are out there and just the thought that you will never be with them again or the horrible vision of them with someone else just tears at your heart. This is just too painful for anyone to go through especially when the person who hurt you does not care how badly you are hurt or the fact that you are not getting over it. I hope most people will never know what the pain of a broken heart feels like, my heart hurts physically all the time and I just wish I could make it stop. Love, Wendy

Mary Linda what a beautiful gift from your daughters, you certainly have raised them well to be so sensitive and caring to your emotions. What a wonderful gift to treasure always. Love, Wendy

This is actually a response to Corinne's post in another section but my response is actually more fit to be in this section. Something I have learned...well I think the main thing that comes to my mind is something that has always been important to me...trust and in this instance I mean mostly trust of the heart. I have realized that since I lost my dear husband that I have been too trusting and for the most part have made some very wonderful friendships, especially with people here who care and love me and I will cherish these relationships for the rest of my life. But recently I allowed someone to get too close too quick and stole my heart , promised me the world with a wonderful future and said they loved me so much and then just took it all away with no warning . I am under 2 years from losing my dear sweet husband whom never would have hurt me like this and this person has broken me beyond belief and has set me back to the beginning stages of my grief, right back to where I started 21 months ago, but now I am mourning the death of two people not just one. I fell for this person with every sense of my being, would have gone to the ends of the earth for him, I loved him more than life itself and honestly as stupid as it sounds part of me will still always love him as when he left me he took a piece of my heart with him and I will never get it back. As some of you know I still cry daily, even now as I write this...some have told me I have to move on and as he said I have to "Get over it" well that is not so easy when you are the person who was hurt, very easy for the person who lied about their feelings all along. I think my advice for any of you would be, take it slow if you are thinking of starting another relationship too soon. Know who you are all by yourself without the loved one you have lost before giving your heart away to a stranger. If things sound too good to be true they probably are and you need to take a step back. If I can protect just one person from the heartache and devastation I have been through then this posting was well worth it. I am not now, nor will I ever be the same person I was, can't explain it but people are also seeing this in me now. I know people would say give it time, it is early yet and you will get your old self back but not this time...the person I was is gone...for good. Getting through Christmas was so very hard, trying to put a fake smile on my face when all I wanted to do was cry was very hard and I am so glad the Holidays are over. Just returning the gifts before Christmas that would have been for this person just killed me, the people at the jewelry store thought I was totally crazy especially when they said they could not be returned for my money back only store credit could be given and I totally lost it....so now I need to buy something for myself, something expensive that will be a constant reminder of what the money was originally used for. I have so many wonderful friends and family in my life who have been so caring and supportive to me through this but I still feel horribly lonely without this person, what Marty has said is so very true. You mourn losing someone that you were in a love relationship with as this is just like they have died. The person whom I would have spent my whole life loving and making happy was has taken themselves from me in an instant and I have not seen them or talked to them since that horrible night , just like when my husband was taken from me in an instant and died . There is no closure, no sense I can make of this. I know like with my dear husbands death this will get easier as time goes on but I have had my heart broken and my happy future taken from me twice in under 2 years and with other hard things going on on my life right now, like my mother's cancer I can not accept this as God's will or a lesson to be learned. This is more than any person can handle and I wonder how and when I can start to feel like a whole person again. Please learn from my mistake, put your heart away and do not bring it out till you are 100 % sure it will be safe, I had to learn this the hard way and will spend the rest of my life mourning the loss of this person who stole my heart away and left me with pain I would not wish on anyone. I love you all and hope you have made it through these difficult Holidays ! Love, Wendy