kayc

I added a reply but it is not here now so I don't know what happened to it. I am very sorry for your loss, it is still so very fresh. Have you talked to your doctor or a grief counselor to get some help? Please keep coming here and voicing yourself, it really helps t let it out rather than bottle it up. It does help to get out and go for a walk, to take good care of yourself, to keep busy and be around other people, anything that helps direct your focus outward rather than inward. What you are experiencing is no stranger to us, we have all been there. Try to stay in the here and now and not bite off more than you can chew. But do try to get some help. Your brother wants to be there for you and may need help knowing how to. Try to think of something you could use his help with and give him that as an idea. Sometimes it is help rather than gifts that we need the most...help vacuuming behind the refrigerator, help changing the oil in the car, help getting the lawnmower started, kindling cut, etc. There's always something that our husbands left a void with. And it's good to spend time with family and friends...even when you don't feel like it, when you make the effort it helps lift you just a bit. Be extra gentle with yourself and try not to expect too much of yourself.

My heart breaks as I read about your mourning dogs. I am so sorry. Try to spend as much time and attention on them as you can and remember you are in this together. My husband and I bought a porch swing to grow old together in...that was our vision...it's hard to sit there all alone and not have his hand to hold. But you are so right, you aren't entirely alone, they are still there with us, they live in our hearts. It took me some time but I was finally able to think of him without crying and be able to find comfort in the mere thought of him. If I go to a job interview, I carry him with me and remember his faith and encouragement. If I go through heartbreak, I think of him and the comfort he brings. If I am afraid, I feel him cheering me on from the sidelines. And when I tackle something new, I feel his pride in me and know he is smiling. He is always there.

One of the things I've learned is to ASK for help when I need it. Be explicit and clear about what you need. Often people want to hep but don't know what to do and they might feel more comfortable if you'd just let them know. It is frightening to feel alone. With you having the summer off, that makes it all the harder. Do you belong to a church or any civic organizations that might involve you with something? Is there someone you could call on who might be of help to you in the sorting, etc. of your own home, friends, neighbors, fellow parishioners? And yes, do ask family for help. Try not to "borrow trouble". (Sufficient for the day...) Try really hard to stay in the present and not worry about tomorrow. I am a listmaker, I like to make lists and cross things off, but to other people, sometimes lists bog them down. However you feel comfortable with dealing with things that need done, do that. But be realistic...you can't take on what you and your husband both did before. Some things will be let go, some things may wait, some things you'll learn to do something you never have before, some things you may need help for.

Marion, I really wouldn't compare my loss to anyone else's. It's all valid. I think sometimes the longer you've been married, the harder it might be to adjust to a different life. However, those who have had less time together might feel more gypped, having expected to have a longer time together. But all grief is valid and no one's loss is easy. All of us have a right to be here, and I just pray that everyone finds comfort and solace here, as well as direction and encouragement. One of the things I like about being here is that we can talk about our husbands, and there is a listening audience. Sometimes when we're out in the world we feel like no one wants to hear it and they want us to move on. But it really helps to talk about them and share what we loved, what we went through. It helps us get to know each other too!

Nats, I may be way off base, and if so, please forgive me because this only comes out of great concern from the bottom of my heart. I was very vulnerable after George died and I ended up marrying a friend of his...who ended up breaking my heart and taking me for over $50,000.00. I would never mean to imply that would happen to you, but I do know that when we are steeped in grief, we are not in our right mind, and we are extremely vulnerable. I would just caution you to give this LOTS of time before committing to anything. Like maybe three years. How long were you married to Ruth? The longer you have been in a relationship, the longer it takes to heal from one. According to marriagebuilders.com, you need about a month recup for every year married, of course that's just a general rule of thumb, there are many factors that come into play. But death is different than divorce, I think it takes even longer, you need time to get used to being on your own and who you are separate and apart from the coupledom you've been used to. It's fine to be friends, but be careful getting too close too soon.

I am almost embarrassed to come here...again. But my heart is breaking and I don't know where to turn. My SO's 85 year old mother has come to the point where he is taking full time care of her, 24/7. He quit his job and is at her place. His daughters were supposed to help, but they aren't and that doesn't look likely to happen. His mother refuses to meet me or allow me at her place, although she lets his exwife visit. She doesn't have cancer or anything, but she quit eating 1 1/2 years ago, she only drinks Ensure and Cola, so she's down to 73 lbs. However, since his coming there to take care of her, she's perked up a bit and has resumed eating a bit. We don't know if he will be taking care of her for another week, a year, or two years...we just have no idea. I got upset with him Friday because I feel it's unreasonable to expect me to never see him, and I think he should stand up to her and tell her if he's taking full care of her, he needs to have me over to visit with him a few minutes every week. I understand this lady is formidable (I've heard her over the phone). I also realize he hates and avoids confrontation. I also know she has him over a barrel because she holds the title on his home that he's lived in for 30 years, and even though he bought it back from the county for her once, and even though he has put a fortune and a ton of work into it and paid the property taxes and the home was promised to him, she can always withdraw that from her will. Nevertheless, this is a situation that he allowed to happen. His answer was to turn his phone off and he hasn't had any contact with me since Friday. I don't know if he's trying to take a break from me because he can't handle any more than he already has to deal with...or if this is his lame way of breaking up. I only know that I miss him, I want to be there for him and can't, and it sucks that he'd treat me this way. I haven't been able to eat or sleep and I feel so alone and hurting. I asked the doctor for sleeping pills today as I don't want to attempt my long commute on no sleep. And all I wanted was a hug once a week.

This is a letter I wrote to my now son-in-law just two weeks after George's death. (I cut out the part that was specific to him) July 3, 2005 This will probably not be as long as usual since I’m having a hard time focusing. I don’t even know what to say, my life has been turned upside-down overnight through no desire of my own, or George’s either. I miss him more than anything and there are no words that exist that describe my loss and pain. It is unbearable, it is overwhelming. No one should have to go through this. I have heard of the five stages of grief and it seems I have experienced all of them except for “partial acceptance” and “acceptance”. How do you accept something that goes against every fiber of your being? It’s not up to me to accept it or not accept it, God did what He wanted without consulting me. It’s just my lot to go on and I don’t even want to do that but the kids and God are making me. People say I’m taking it well but they don’t know my thoughts and they don’t see me when I’m alone and bawling, they don’t see me tossing and turning during the night, they don’t feel the stress inside of my heart. My faith is strong, it always has been, and I know what I “should” feel, think, say, do, but right now, I have to experience my grief, there’s no way to circumvent it or repress it, I have to go through it, whether I want to or not. I know I’ll survive, but whether or not I want to is another matter altogether. The only thing I want is to be with him again and I can hardly wait for that day when he can hold his arms open to receive me into them again and plant his sweet butterfly kisses on my forehead. That is all I long for and all I cannot forget. How do you say goodbye when you’ve loved like we have? I know better than to ask “why”, I have always known that wasn’t a good question to ask, we’re supposed to trust God, we’re supposed to dutifully ask Him what He wants from us now, but I can’t help but ask why and rail at heaven for taking my Beloved so soon from me! Why? Why indeed? Why George, why not his dad, or even my mom, when she would love to be with my dad again? Why am I a widow at 52? Why did we only get to be married 3 years and 8 months? Why did I only get to know him 6 ½ years, and part of that time couldn’t even have contact with him? I am very glad to know where he is and that he is finally over with the suffering of this earth, but it sure didn’t end for me…still, I guess that may be the secret ingredient I need to focus on, that he IS indeed out of his suffering, and God knows he had plenty of it, not only with all that the world put him through and living down his own past, but with physical suffering as well and that horrible demanding job of his that always took more and more from him. He’s done with worry and pain and every infirmity that he suffered…anxiety, paranoia, diabetes, heart failure, back pain, feet pain. This man suffered, he suffered plenty. I think sometimes that I was his only respite from the world, it’s as if God used me as the medium by which to reach down and caress him, inside and out. And I loved him. I am thankful for the time we did get together, I guess I need to concentrate more on being thankful and less on what I lost but right now, I don’t know how to do that when I ache at night to reach over and touch him, and wake up in the morning still alone, and face my days and nights alone, overwhelmed by decisions and tasks and finances that don’t stretch wide enough for all of the bills. How do I do it? Well I guess, I don’t, I need to learn to let God do it, I need to turn to Him. I’ve had a hard time with that, being as He’s the one who took him. But I have turned to Him some, and I know I will increasingly more. I’m glad God is big enough to understand what I am going through and not take my responses personally but is giving me time to work this out. I do love God and I know He’s got some kind of a plan, I guess I’m just not in the mood for it just yet. But that’s how life is, things change, no one asks us about it, and there’s been widows and widowers since the beginning of time and people have just had to deal with it. It’s a loss we don’t concentrate on…until it hits us personally, and then it overtakes us like a thief in the night. I think Christmas is going to be extremely difficult. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I guess I can’t think of it right now…that and the whole month of June…his birthday, Father’s Day…and his death day being the same as that…plus my dad’s birthday and parent’s anniversary also being in June. And our anniversary…how do I survive that? I wish I could just skip that day somehow, somebody give me a couple of sleeping pills and wake me when it’s over. I still have to cancel our anniversary plans, I haven’t been able to make the call yet. Maybe I can have Melissa do that. I thought about going ahead and going to the coast and just thinking about him on that day…but I can’t afford to anyway and am not sure I’d be up to it. I’ve been left strapped financially, I mean to the point where it’s going to be hard to provide basic necessities. I cancelled everything I don’t absolutely need. I still have nearly two years left on our cellphone contract and no need for it any more, but Melissa said she’d go halves with me and take George’s number over so that helps at least. As much as she drives I feel better her having one anyway, especially one with a national plan instead of local like she used to have. I’m going to sell a vehicle but am still trying to figure out exactly which one and for how much. The Honda will be a total loss and won’t bring me much since it has a salvage title and it’s depreciated and the air conditioning quit but the Mercury has been so dependable and we loved it so much, and I don’t want to get rid of the truck…I can still take Lucky out in it, and even though I may not know how to hook up a trailer, etc., at least I could camp in it by sleeping in the canopy if I wanted to. And I could haul a Christmas tree if I could find someone to cut one down for me. I feel so stupid! There’s so much I don’t know! I look in the garage and shop and it’s a mess, such a disorganized clutter! When George and I first married I had everything pretty neat and organized and he was pretty good with that too, but then when he started getting so tired, he let everything go and didn’t put things away when he used them, and now there’s stuff everywhere and I don’t know what half of it is or what it’s for. I still need the rails built for the ramp, he never did get to that, and I have no money to pay anyone to build them. I need to repaint the outside of the patio rails, but I think I can do that if I can find the paint and roller. Today the dowel in the closet broke in two and down came all of our clothes with it. Several people asked if they could help me and I told them about it and they never offered to do anything. So I went home and prayed, and then I looked around for a dowel big enough and found one…I needed to cut it to size, so I measured and marked it and then looked around for a saw. I don’t know where the hand saw is but I found a table saw (?) and an extension cord and managed to figure out how to turn it on and cut the dowel…it fit perfectly in the closet. I know that sounds like a small thing, but it was a triumph to me…the kind of thing I always had someone else to do, and don’t anymore. Anyway, I’ve gone on way too long on my situation. George used to feel his life had passed him by, but really, it hadn’t, it just wasn’t like other people’s. He learned and grew and changed…maybe he never got the opportunity to learn all of the things some other men have gotten to learn over the years, how to roof a house, do electrical repairs, stuff like that, but he certainly excelled when it came to people and loving…he was a champ at that.

Oh Kat, I am so sorry! I lost my husband five years ago and was so devastated I made a huge mistake and married a man who turned out to be a con artist and took me for everything and then some. I lost my dog at the same time. A few months later I decided I was better off with dogs so I got another one, and this one has totally stole my heart. I cannot ever imagine losing him. I know it'll happen someday, and I really wouldn't want it to be the other way around, I want to be here for him all of his life, but I dread the day it happens. I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. I am glad you are trying to look on the bright side and know that your husband is welcoming your dog with open arms. Please know he will take good care of him until the day you can all be reunited again. Kay

Jennifer, I'm so sorry you lost your husband, and love of your life. That is just too young, I can understand you must feel gypped , I did and my husband had just turned 51...I'd thought we'd have at least another 20 years together before having to face something like that. There are a lot of people on this site going through the same thing, both young and old. You might want to ask Marty, the administrator, to move this to "Loss of Spouse" section where it'll get a lot more traffic. This section is often used for divorce and other love losses, whereas loss of partner is more specifically to death and there'll be a lot more people to respond to it. Have you seen a doctor about your anxiety issues? My doctor put me on Buspirone (Buspar) and I love it, it's non-addictive and doesn't seem to have side effects, but it's helped me cope. Also, a grief counselor might be of some help. There are grief support groups that could be beneficial. Remember to take care of yourself, even when you don't see the point, go for walks, eat healthy, it all helps your focus. Be easy on yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. Surround yourself with positive comforting people, not anyone who tells you stupid or negative things. Try not to look at the rest of your life looming before you, but do your best to stay in the present, one day at a time...or a minute, or whatever you think you can handle. Everyone's way of dealing with grief is different so remember, there is no right or wrong way, just different ways. My hugs and prayers to you, please keep coming back and make sure you read the "Loss of spouse/partner" section, you'll find a lot of others going through the same thing. Kay

Melina, This is s fresh for you, it does get better with time. You will always miss him and love him, that never goes away, but with time, you will get more adept at coping with the loss. I wish you had some friends there to listen, care, and put their arms around you. I didn't have that either. Alol of our friends disappeared with George's death, I guess death makes a lot of people uncomfortable, like they're afraid it's contagious or something. People don't like to be around sadness, it makes them uncomfortable, like they don't know what to say or how to respond...so they avoid you, totally NOT the response you need. With time you will make some new friends. For me it's been five years and I still feel lonely and scared. But not as bad as in the beginning of the journey. I've worked hard at my grief, journaled, posted, used art to depict my feelings and goals, tried to adjust and keep a positive focus, it takes so much work it's exhausting. And I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've never quit trying. With time it evolved from instead of feeling immense pain at the thought of him, it's come to bring me comfort and reassurance. I carry him inside of me, the one person who really loved me, the one person I could really count on, the most special person that ever lived. And I know I'll see him again, I'll feel his arms around me again, I hold onto that. Death of a spouse hits you on every level. There is so much loss involved with it...loss of that person whose eyes lit up when you entered the room. Loss of your lover, your best friend, the other person who had all the same shared memories as you, the person who did the other things around the place that you couldn't, loss of income, loss of the person you shared all your weekends and holidays with. It is understandable that this is such a huge adjustment, it's going to take some time. But you will survive it. You will learn to incorporate all of these changes into your life. At first you may not care to, may not want to, but with time, it will happen, little by little. It does not mean you forget him or value him any less, not by any means, but rather that you honor his memory by surviving enough to keep him alive inside of you. Try to remember to take deep breeaths, take care of yourself, daily walks, express yourself here, and remember, one day at a time...or one moment. Hugs, Kay

Nats, You are going through so much, I just want you to know my prayers are with you. Kay

PopPop, I'm sorry, ten years just isn't long enough, is it? We only got 3 years 8 months. It does feel like a rip. It is hard when the shock begins to wear off and we don't know what to do with what we're left with. I can only say, a day at a time, it takes concerted effort. Hang in there, we're here listening. Kay

Oh Walt, I can't bear to listen to that song, it's too hard. I guess a part of me has to shut off or I can't take it. I'm sorry it's still so hard, I think it always will be, we've gotten more used to coping with this barren life, but sometimes I have to wonder why...why do we have to go on? Me, I live for my dog, after he's gone, I just don't know...

Nick, I'm sorry, it must be really hard to adjust to a new home at the same time as experiencing the loss of your husband. Try to remember that your memories together are carried inside your heart, not just in a wooden structure. It is still pretty fresh at 11 months. We get better at coping with time, but we never do get to where we like this altered life that's been handed to us. Try to focus on something positive in each day, no matter how minute, that really helped me. It might be small, seeing a rainbow, watching a kitten play, someone smiling at you...some days it's a stretch to find something but I've found if I really look hard, I can usually find something. Kay

Susavi, I'm so sorry! It is all the more compounded when you have so many adjustments to make in addition to the great loss you are experiencing. Someone's telling you to take a day at a time is about the best advice they could have given you...or a minute at a time as the case may be. You will get through this, try not to look at the future, the way out there picture, just stay in this moment and carry his love inside of you for strength to get through it. Kay

Wendy, I'm sorry for your loss too. All of the what ifs can drive us crazy if we let it. Just remind yourself of the great love that you shared and that you would have done anything for him if you could have and if you'd known what to do. Sometimes it just happens, I don't try to figure it out anymore. I'm sorry... Kay

It's Just Me, I am sorry you lost your former husband. People can say some really insensitive things, they mean well but sometimes that's of little consolation. Try to keep in mind that they haven't been there, I always reminded myself I was glad they hadn't. At least he died trying to do the right thing and it ended on a positive note...my husband did too. He'd had a bout with drugs and the last three weeks of his life had come clean and was trying...and he had a heart attack. You are here with a lot of people who understand and care and have been through it. Try to remember that he lives on in your heart. (((hugs))) Kay

Melina, I am so sorry you lost your husband...there are many of us here who are left all alone and have a hard time seeing any hope for the future. It helps to know you're not alone in this and there are others who are going through the same thing. Please don't bet yourself up for what you did/didn't do, there was no way you could have known. My husband died unexpectedly too, heart attack, it's a huge shock to your system. Try to remember that he is still there, just not touchable...their spirits live on in us and we can never truly be separated. I wish I could say something that would take all your pain away, but I've learned you can't circumvent it, only go through it, cry, scream, vent, get it out, we're here, we're listening. Kay

Well I'm not seeing any real relief in sight...Jim has full care of his mother in her home. One of his daughters is getting married in 2 1/2 weeks and the other daughter is pretty useless as far as counting on her for anything, she adds trouble rather than helping, so now he has his ex-wife coming over to stay with his mom on occasion so he can go home for a break. Of course I'm not able to see him since he never knows ahead of time when he'll actually get a break (usually late at night to 5:00 a.m.) and we live so far away I can't just hop over there, and his mom doesn't want to meet me so I'm not allowed at her home. This pretty much sucks. I don't know how long it'll go on like this and I have no idea when I'll see him again. Sometimes life just sucks.

Daughter, No, I'm the one trying to hold it together...my son has been busy rebuilding a house for a friend of his...had one week to tear out walls, elec., plumbing, replace rot, put up new walls, etc....I've been taking care of the dogs while he's been doing that about 16 hours/day the last ten days plus moving... So nope...no one to help me. Thanks anyway. Marty, thanks...I feel like I'm at full capacity right now, there's a lot of details making everything more complicated and harder to accept. I stayed home from church yesterday to relax, I was just exhausted! Empty, Thanks! I appreciate all of your responses!

I just feel exhausted, I think from the emotional impact of so much. Jim and I weren't able to see each other this weekend and don't know when we'll get to spend time together again...his mom had to go to the hospital and it's fallen on him to look after her, talk to Hospice and nurses, assure and calm his mom and see to her care. He's spending his days and nights with her and he's exhausted. Life pretty much sucks, it's funny how it can change in an instant and this is now your lot in life. He can't go to work because his mom needs him, I don't know what he's going to do or how long this can go on. She's down to 73 pounds, won't eat except for Ensure. To top it off, his daughter is causing him grief. How much more can one take? I feel so sorry for him and wish I could do something to ease his load but all I can do is pray and be understanding. I wish I lived nearby so I could at least drop off food. His mom doesn't want to meet me and doesn't allow cell phones in her apartment so it's making our getting together pretty difficult. You wonder how long you can go on like this, but I remember when my mother in law was sent home from the hospital to die, they'd anticipated 3 weeks to two months...it was actually 2 years and 8 months. So I know that a temporary situation can drag on for a very long time. He is grieving too, he's been on the verge of tears all week, I can tell this is very emotional, very hard for him. My mom, on the other hand, will probably live to 100 and vex us every moment. She came home from the hospital Tuesday and on Thursday was out clearing brush in her backyard for 1 1/2 hours. Physically she's doing well (in spite of what she tells us) but mentally, oh my! My sisters aim to see her Wed., and have made motel reservations so they can come down and take her out to eat, and she's thinking of canceling on them "because Polly's not a Christian". !!! I just don't know what to do with her, she's so frustrating. She can't seem to just accept people, children included. She fights everything/everyone, including any help offered her. I go to visit Dad in Assisted Living every week, and every week he begs to come home. It breaks my heart. And to top it off, it's my sister's birthday this week and she's dying a slow death...lung disease. And these are the good years?

June 12 I got a call that my sister was being sent home from the hospital to die from Pneumonia, her lungs are shot, she's a smoker and a quadriplegic, which compounds it because she doesn't get the same circulation that you and I do. June 16 I got a call from my mom saying she never wanted to see me again, EVER! My mom has mental problems, paranoia and dementia, she's always been difficult, but it's worsened as she's gotten older. She had been fine on the 12th when I talked to her about my sister, although I know the news bothered her because she doesn't like to share attention. Around this time, I got the news that my other sister, who'd just arrived in Ireland on vacation, was in a hospital with Pneumonia and her husband was coming down sick too. He is a cancer survivor and gets sick easily. I later learned she'd suffered a couple of heart attacks. So now I'm worrying about all four of them. Then I get the news that my FIL is being sent to a nursing home because of kidney failure and he can't go home. He's 91 and a sweet old guy, this just broke my heart as he wants nothing more than to go home. An update on the sis in Ireland, she was finally able to travel home (all she saw on vacation was the inside of a hospital and airplanes), arrived home and slept a week, got checked out here and it turns out she doesn't have Pneumonia but an allergic reaction to some medication. She is now recuperated and quit smoking so she can live a few more years. Then my BF's mom took a turn for the worse and is expected to die...she won't eat, won't go to the doctor, weighs about 50 lbs. and refuses to cooperate with anyone/anything. It seems like everywhere around me are older people, dying. I get off work and visit one and the next day check on another... How do you maintain your sanity in between talking about dementia, hospice, assisted living and wills?

Marion, It's common for this feeling especially when things wind down...in the beginning you are so busy, planning a funeral, signing papers and filling out forms, notifying people, sorting through stuff, sending pictures and thank yous...getting things in order...and then when you finally have time to breathe, it hits you like a blow to the gut as it sinks in...he's gone, he's really gone. The next few months will be a challenge as you learn to know yourself as just you, separate and apart from being part of a couple...but it won't be the old you...that you was gone when he died...it will be a new you...you see, you will have developed as a person, learned to survive the unthinkable, learn to cope with the insurmountable, learned to focus on positive in the midst of pain and turmoil...and that person, that new you, will be a stronger person with more depth and character than you'd ever known possible. For right now, just continue taking small bites that you can handle, try to find something positive about the day, however small, try not to worry about the whole future which looms too big for now, accept help when offered, make effort to get out even when you don't see the point and don't feel like it, and express yourself...don't let things bottle up inside of you. Strangers will ask how you are, you can put on a fake smile and say fine...but when close family and friends ask, be honest. You will find out who your true friends are, and you will be surprised. Some you will lose, but you will gain new ones. Keep coming here, it was my lifeboat in the midst of the storm.

Jen, Let me say how sorry I am in your loss of your dog. That is a long time to spend with such a wonderful companion. Please don't feel guilty for feeling worse over the death of your dog than the death of your father...quite simply, we are often impacted with loss that affects our everyday existence more than others. When I lost my husband, it impacted my life on every level, he was part provider, the person that shared the household chores, he was my lover, my best friend, my companion, my sounding board, he was in fact, everything. I would feel pretty much the same way if I were to lose my dog...for my dog is my lover, my companion, my entertainer, my best friend...I just haven't figured out quite how to get him to do half the chores or bring in money! My dad, on the other hand, lived in another city, and I hadn't interacted with him on a daily basis for years, although I loved him still miss him all these 28 years later. Each loss is different and impacts us differently. The best we can hope for is a long enjoyable time with each.

Lisa, I'm sorry for the loss of your dog, I know it's got to be a huge adjustment. I'm sure this is very hard on your son too. CJ, Thank you for your helpful posts, as a dog lover, it is a good way to look at it.