kayc

Redwind30, I'm so sorry you lost your husband, and yes that's much too young...my husband had just turned 51 when he died unexpectedly of a heart attack. I'm lad you got your 11 years together...we knew each other 6 1/2 years but were only married 3 years 8 months. In the end, those are the years you most remember. I think we all hate the platitudes, esp. from people who haven't been through it and haven't a clue what we're going through and feeling. In time we learn to dismiss them as well meaning and not pay a lot of heed to it, but it can sure get to you esp. in the beginning when everything is so fresh and raw. I think we've made some posts about platitudes or well meaning things people say...and vented. I'm glad you found this site, it has been my life line these last few years. Welcome here!

Alone, How did you do? Did you spend it with your daughter? I think it helps to not be alone on these days... (((Hugs))) Kay

Deb, I am so sorry for your loss and all that you have suffered. His family didn't honor your wishes because they are themselves caught up in the same illness. My heart goes out to you in all that you are feeling and having to go through. My own George had a drug addiction that he was attempting to overcome when he was suddenly struck with a heart attack, it was five years ago on June 19, which that year happened to land on Father's Day. What you will be dealing with, as myself, is complicated grief. Do not be surprised by the different things you will feel and deal with, they are normal, all of them. It took me until about the third year to incorporate the whole of the man into one, to forgive him his shortcomings and honor and exalt the good of him and recognize him as one being that I loved more than anything in the world. I realize that although his battle would have been difficult, I do believe our love and faith in one another would have surmounted anything and we would have persevered and overcome any and all obstacles, for such was our love. I do not kid myself that it would have been easy. Instead, it was me left to deal with it all and he was spared. I do not resent that, although I'm sure there was a time or two I lamented over it, for I am glad he no longer suffers his demons, let alone any physical pain or infirmities his living would have left him with, for I know what he would have gone through and am glad he is out of it. But oh how I miss him and have occasionally railed against the injustice of it all! I have, eventually, come to accept it...knowing that acceptance does not equate with "liking" it or wishing it, but just that what is, is, and nothing much I can do or wish can change it. You were, in every sense of the word, his wife, his soul mate, and you are left with that empty spot shaped just like him inside of you...that is the tribute to your love, and the loss you feel equals the greatness of that love and all that you shared. There is a song that often comes to my mind...Garth Brooks' "The Dance" and it is how I feel... "The Dance" Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared 'neath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment wasn't I a king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance Yes my life is better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

Suzanne, I am so sorry, I am going through the same thing, essentially, as my sister is dying. She has no lungs left, is on oxygen 24/7, and they essentially sent her home from the hospital to die. It's so hard to imagine being without one of my sisters, I'm sure you're going through all of the same feelings I am. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you. Well I survived another anniversary of his death. I'm still without my home computer so am not always up on the posts...have to use the one at work when time affords. I thought about George a lot yesterday, since it was on Father's Day five years ago he laid in the hospital worrying about getting his pie (us ladies in the church make pies to give away at church to the men)...but instead of getting his pie, he died. It's very important to me, to make sure that men have a good Father's Day...since my own man didn't get his.

It was a sensitive thought provoking article. Having experienced both, I can see both sides of the coin and make comparisons, at least for my situations. There are some commonalities and there are some differences. Let me point out that divorce to someone who wanted it is vastly different than divorce where you didn't want it and things got sprung on you. In the latter, it is not unlike death...it is death of what you knew, hoped, dreamed, just as death of a spouse also brings about. But there are differences...when you lose a spouse to death, you miss him and wish you could see him again...with a no count ex spouse that's not usually the case, you might miss what you once shared but it's doubtful you really want to see the louse again. When you lose a spouse to death, you aren't usually let grappling with what once was your self-esteem. You aren't marred as something deficient like you have a scarlet letter branded on your forehead ("you've been married how many times!!!") And then there are amicable divorces where you don't consider each other louses, you've just grown apart but you recognize you're both good people...and you might indeed see each other as friends. Everyone's situation is different. Most of us don't divorce because someone didn't learn how to cook or something else equally petty. Divorce is a tearing of yourself, and very painful...not usually entered into lightly. And there are some situations where you're forced to subject your children to downright dangerous situations because the court orders it...some who are forced to go into hiding to protect their children...I would hesitate to call their situation frivolous. The point being, we ought, all of us, be sensitive to other's pain and loss and recognize how difficult it must be and realize that their pain and loss does not belittle our own, and it's okay to recognize it and lend support to them. We ought, all of us, relate where we can and acknowledge the rest. Validate one another's feelings and situations. They are all unique.

Pastmidnite, You are right, it makes others uncomfortable and they don't get it. How can they get what is not their experience? These people (our bad parents) put on acts to others that they can seem to turn on/off at will. Very aggravating! I think deep down inside of each of us is a knowledge of what we can and can't live with or do, and how much we can handle of it...we need to listen to that still small voice inside of us for our own well being. But we struggle with society's confines and they tell us we should be loving, patient, tolerant NO MATTER WHAT if it's our parent. But is that true? When they are abusive and even now continue the abuse? I haven't met a counselor yet that would instruct you to continue in abuse, withstanding more than you can handle just because that person happened to bear the seed that became you. Abusive parents have often received more from their children than was their just due. Like I said, I give you permission to cut them loose...it's all up to you and what you feel you need to do. As for the strangers that say they're pleasant, let them have them!

Oh you're so right...I used to make cookies and put them in the oven while we watched a movie together...I've never felt the same getting a pan of cookies out of the oven, I'm missing my cookie monster!

His hands were big...and mine so small. When we got married we had to special order custom wedding bands because we were both on opposite ends of the spectrum an they didn't stock those sizes. His hands were always holding mine, our way of connecting. His hands were used to protect others...he hated fighting, but a couple of times he did to protect someone else who was getting hurt...one of those times he suffered permanent damage in his hand, so much so, he had to learn to write using different fingers from then on. His hands worked hard and bore the scars from it...they always had callouses from welding. When he was out of work, his hands were soft. I used to clean them up, trim his cuticles, his nails, and slather them in healing lotion so they wouldn't hurt so much. I love his hands...they bore his wedding band. I kissed them often.

Cheryl, I'm sorry you lost Mark. You have worked very hard at your grief journey, that's about all we can do. I know you miss being a wife, we all do, this is a club we didn't ask to join. (((hugs))) Kay

I'm glad you got that dream...I've only had one and in it, I was mad because he left me. Crazy, huh? In five years, only one dream, I don't get that, he was everything to me! But I am glad you got that, I wish I could fall asleep and see him whenever I wanted...if anyone figures out how to do that, let me know!

LouLou, It does help to know I'm not alone, that there are other people who have had crazy mothers. I feel sad but more because of the mother I never had than because I'm losing this insane person. If she tries to call and ask forgiveness I won't know because I'm ignoring her calls. She's crazy and desperate and I'm tired of her histrionics. I refuse to be bounced around by her drama and emotions anymore. I had a block put on the phone at work and am going to see about getting one put on my home. (The cell company wants $5/month for one on it so I probably won't on it, but hopefully she won't flood it like she has at work and home.) I can't think of anything positive I've ever gotten from this relationship except for what she taught us as little kids, everything since has been negative. You have my permission to cut your mom loose too, whenever you feel you've had enough. After 57 years, I'm at saturation point. People who have a nice normal mom won't understand, they'll see me as unforgiving, intolerant, not respecting my mother in her old age. But then they can't understand, it hasn't been their lifelong experience. Any counselor would say we have every right to let her go. My mother cut off all contact with me ever, so I'm letting her live by it, it was her decision. I guess she shouldn't throw stuff out there without regard to people or consequences. Maybe it'll be a lesson she can learn for her other five children...but you know what? History tells me she won't learn, she never does. She is so full of hate and negativity. She got worse, not better, when she "found God" because He just became a handy thing she could use to lend validity to whatever she wanted to think or pronounce anyway. I have sisters that want nothing to do with God or religion because of her...and I tell them God had nothing to do with it, it's just her. My mother told my sister that my BF is evil...he isn't, he's a sweet man and my best friend, very gentle, very supportive. Who knows what prompts her to say such things, jealousy? It doesn't even matter, I just want to protect him and my children from her poison. My mother also told me my dad didn't love me, which is BS. My dad did love me, but he was alcoholic and ineffectual, weak-spined against my mother's tirades, he didn't stand up for me, but he did have feelings for me...IMHO, they both failed me but my mother is the harder of the two to deal with. My father is no longer an issue because he died 28 years ago. Well my mother is no longer going to be an issue with me either, all except the destruction she's left in her wake...that I'll have to continue to deal with in continuing to improve myself, learn, and heal. I have no idea why some people through luck of the draw, get parents that are such devastating failures, I realize it could be worse, at least she never murdered us, but that is of little consolation in light of what we've been through. Good luck to you in your journey.

Just some background...my mother has been crazy all her life, but now that she's 88, it's only gotten worse. She was extremely abusive to all of us kids, but I got it the worst. When I came out of the bathroom at work this morning, I got a message from my coworker that my mother had called...she gave me a very sympathetic look...that should have been my first clue. (BTW, how did she ever learn where I work? I purposely never gave her that number). Anyway, I called her back to see what she wanted and she was horrible to me and told me she never wants anything to do with me again...ever! I asked her what brought this on all of a sudden and she said it's not all of a sudden, it's been coming for a long time. I said "you were fine Saturday and now this, what precipitated this?" She said because I don't want to listen to her counsel and she has no fellowship with me. ???? Huh? And she doesn't want the Bible I special ordered for her (it's non-refundable and has already shipped). I told her I wish she'd have told me that before I spent two weeks grocery money I could ill afford on it. I reminded her that she was in the loop about my ordering just exactly what she wanted and she was fine with it then. She said Mick is her only good kid. She said she doesn't want anything to do with me, ever, she's cutting me off, she wants no contact with me, and nothing from me. I said fine and hung up, nothing more I can say. So this is what it's like living with a paranoid toxic mother who is very demented. I feel very tired, my IBS is acting up like crazy from the stress...it's not enough that my sister is dying (my mother doesn't want to see her either), and both my hard drives on my computer decided to quit booting up, and my phone quit working earlier this week, but now this. All I know is, I can't keep doing this, I am 57 years old and I've been dealing with this mother all my life. It's always been hard trying to find a card for her for Mother's Day that doesn't out and out lie ("to the wonderful mother who's always been there, etc., etc.)...that's what prompted me to start making my own cards years ago BTW. 1 1/2 years ago a very toxic husband left my life...and now a very toxic mother has just left. I had no say so either time. I just know I can't handle the ups and downs of her mood changes, her declaring me good, her declaring me bad, acceptable, unacceptable, etc. when I haven't changed. I'm done. She won't let me help her, she's totally crazy and rather than deal with her and give her a true diagnosis and help, the doctors would rather just pass her along, appease, whatever it takes to move her on her way...and I truly understand, I do, because no one can pay enough to make this kind of person someone you'd want in your day, not even for five minutes. I'm left wondering why God saw fit to leave my mother living so long (she's going to outlive all of us just to torment us) and yet took my sweet husband George so young. Go figure. I know there are other people out there that have crazy, self-centered, difficult parents, I can't be the only one. Most people don't talk about it. If you say anything, you are treated as if there is something wrong with you, how horrible, you must be a failure of a person, after all, everyone knows, mothers are not that way! Oh if only people knew...there are all kinds, they aren't all June Cleavers. But I don't have to worry about that anymore, I don't have a mother. Actually, I never really did.

Oh Korina, I love that! George is very special and I know Scot would love him. I think in some ways the first year was the hardest...all of the "first withouts"...but it's hard to compare. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Somehow we get through these things, like it or not.

Mary, I trust you did okay with it...and you're right, it's a lot of work. I miss George more all the time.

My husband died on Father's Day, so I have two death days to remember...Father's Day and June 19th. Plus his birthday is today. I hate Father's Day and I hate June. I'd just as soon skip it.

Friday morning my phone quit working and I found out they removed linebacker so they want to charge me $80-$280 to look at it, I've spent hours on the phone with them (from work) and still no resolution. This weekend my hard drive quit on my computer, I need a new computer and since my computer won't boot up from my older hard drive, I don't know if any info on either one can be accessed or salvaged. Then I get a call, my quadriplegic sister, Donna, has COPD and Pneumonia and she was sent home from the hospital to die. It's been hard to give/get messages with my home phone not working and my cell doesn't work at my home. We've been trying to arrange for all of us to see her one last time, tomorrow morning. My brother (who used to be my nephew, he was Donna's baby at the time of her accident so my parents adopted him) is going to go see her, he hasn't seen her in years and I think it'll be so good for both of them. Having grown up in a very dysfunctional home with a mental abusive mother and an alcoholic father, my sisters are everything to me. I just always dreaded the day I would start losing them and here it is, the time I've been dreading. I did want to share though, that my phone did not work at all on Friday and miraculously started working on the weekend, although so much static you could hardly understand, at least it enabled me to get the message about Donna...a true miracle. Now it's not working again, crazy, huh? I just feel like my life is so out of my control. Today is George's birthday and Saturday is the fifth anniversary of his death. I hate June.

Renee, I can relate as after my husband passed away, God gave me a sweet loving cat named Chappy. Chappy used to sleep with his arms around my neck and his face burrowed in. I used to call him my little lover. And then a cougar got him, and it was so hard for me to understand. I felt like God took my husband, couldn't he at least leave me my cat? Whatever the reasons...and maybe there aren't any...I lost him. I can really relate to your loss and wish you the best.

I buried my Lucky where my husband's ashes are scattered, in the back yard, and also my cat George is buried there. I planted a little Maple tree there, it may take years to get it going, but it seems fitting since they all loved the country and woods where we live/d. My best to you.

OMG, I can't even begin to imagine the devastation you are going through and feeling. To lose your possessions is enough, but nothing compares to the loss of your family, and these sweet little creatures were indeed your family. My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you, I will keep you in my prayers. These poor babies! I'm sure you look forward to the day when you can be reunited with them.

I'm sorry you lost your baby, if I lost my Arlie I don't know how I could bear it, I've already had so many losses in the last six years...a husband, a dog, and four cats, not to mention another marriage. The degree to which we loved is the degree to which we mourn, so it is perfectly normal to be feeling as you are when you had such a wonderful relationship with your Cocker Spaniel. They are, BTW, wonderful dogs.

If they consider you responsible for the bill, surely they'd consider you responsible to report to...IOW, they should tell you the results if you ask for them. Good luck in getting some answers...why is it taking so long for the death certificate? I had George's the same week he died.

Wow, Ron, that is a lot! I hope you're doing better now, Pneumonia can be brutal! (Apparently, so can sisters). I guess it just goes to show we don't get to pick our family. But you created the upper road by letting her vent and hoping it helps her. Good luck to you, maybe some good karma will come your way now!

Thanks, Marty, I just did!

I'll remember you in prayer, are you leaving Sat. morning?