kayc

No, that is a picture of our pansies before George died...the following year one pansy came up on it's own beneath the patio, it survived through winter snows, I found it very amazing and it's the only time in all these years that has happened.

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss I lost my dad when I was 29 and just lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago. I lost my husband nearly 11 years ago and that was by far the hardest loss I've endured, and yes, anxiety and depression fit. I learned to take a day at a time and not try to think about the whole rest of my life, it's just too much to bite off. I'm appalled that your family did not notify you of your dad's death! That happened to my sisters when their dad died (our mom is the same but our dads are brothers). They weren't told or given the option to attend the funeral, which I find unforgivable! My sister's friend read about it in the newspaper and notified her...too late. There is no magic pill to fix grief. It takes a lot of time and effort to process the death of a loved one and I highly recommend you see a grief counselor. I would also schedule an appt. with your doctor, not necessarily to get on antidepressants but because grief can affect your health and I'd be open for suggestion. Do, however, let him know what you've been going through so he can have the more complete picture. Taking care of yourself helps...eating healthy, going for walks, drinking plenty of water. It gives your brain it's best optimal chance for coping. There are countless stories on here of people's losses, I hope you'll take the time to do some reading and familiarize yourself with this site and all of the helps it offers. There are many threads in the loss of parent section.

Mitch, How special! I'm glad you have these experiences. For those who are sad because they do not have these experiences, I think some are probably better at communicating from beyond and some of us are better at realizing communications than others. I must be one of them that is not picking up on it as well. That's okay too, George and my relationship began and grew on faith in each other and that faith still exists...I don't need externals to know our love still exists in present form, not merely memories. BUT I think all of us would love to have these "signs" that they're here with us in some form, just for some reason or another, some do not get them or pick up on them. Maybe that will change!

TIPS FOR CARING FOR A LOVED ONE WITH ALZHEIMER'S (MAYO CLINIC) Anyone caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease very likely can relate to former first lady Nancy Reagan, who called the illness suffered by former President Reagan “a truly long, long goodbye.” Mrs. Reagan, who died March 6 at age 94, was a tireless advocate for Alzheimer’s patients and their families, recalls Mayo Clinic neurologist Dr. Ronald Petersen, who knew the Reagans well. “In many respects, Mrs. Reagan was the optimal caregiver, providing love and support for the president in a fashion similar to many other Americans whose families deal with this difficult diagnosis,” he said. In 2015, an estimated 5.3 million Americans had Alzheimer’s disease, according to the Alzheimer’s Association. As the disease progresses, once-simple tasks become difficult or impossible. Practical tips can help your loved maintain a sense of independence and dignity. To limit challenges resulting from Alzheimer’s: Schedule wisely: Establish a routine to make each day more predictable and less confusing. Schedule the most difficult tasks, such as bathing or medical appointments, for the time of day when your loved one is most calm. Adapt your routine, as needed: For example, if your loved one insists on wearing the same outfit every day, consider buying a few identical outfits. When your loved one is bathing, switch the worn outfit for a clean one. Take your time: Expect things to take longer than they once did. Schedule more time to complete tasks, so you don’t need to hurry your loved one. Involve your loved one: Allow your loved one to do as much as possible with the least amount of assistance. For example, perhaps your loved one can dress alone if you lay out the clothes in the order they go on. Limit choices: The fewer the options, the easier it is to decide. For example, provide two outfits to choose between — not a closet full of clothes. Eliminate belts or accessories that are most likely to be put on incorrectly. Reduce distractions: Turn off the TV and minimize distractions at mealtime and during conversations so your loved one can better focus on the task at hand. To keep your loved one with Alzheimer’s safe: Prevent falls: Avoid scatter rugs, extension cords and any clutter that could cause your loved one to trip or fall. Install handrails or grab bars in critical areas. Use locks: Install locks on cabinets that contain anything potentially dangerous, such as medicine, alcohol, guns, toxic cleaning substances, dangerous utensils and tools. Check water temperature: Lower the thermostat on the hot-water heater to prevent burns. Take fire safety precautions: Keep matches and lighters out of reach. If your loved one smokes, make sure he or she does so with supervision. Have an accessible fire extinguisher and smoke alarms with fresh batteries The Register Guard 03/14/16

Keep us posted!

I am having to make Arlie's food too as he's on bland diet for life. Dogfood has put him overweight, even the healthy weight one, and he is finally losing (his vet says he should weigh 110, not so sure, but I'd be happy at 120) he was 140, weighed in at 135 nine days ago and I think he's lost since then. He doesn't seem to be hungry or he'd be pawing at his old dogfood container or begging, but he's not. He eats everything I give him and loves it. I have him on rice, chicken breast, and vegetables. I like your idea about pureeing the vegetables so they're raw. Do you give him any Metamucil? My vet suggested that. I have Arlie on Probiotics all of the time. I make up packets of vegetables and diced chicken & freeze, & when I cook the rice I add them to it.

HH, I'm proud of you for going ahead and buying that car, and I think your sister would be too. Maybe if you picture her with you as you drive it?

If that doesn't just figure! You finally do something positive for yourself and that happens! Sometimes I wonder if life doesn't have a sense of humor!

George, maybe you could message or email me what hit you about it...

I don't have any answers. I definitely feel we'll be together again, but I don't particularly feel like he's watching over me...maybe he is, maybe he isn't, I just don't know. I haven't had any overt signs, except a rainbow now and then, that means a lot to me. And after he died, a pansy came up in the ground beneath our patio where we'd had hanging baskets the year before...his last summer was our best year for flowers and it seemed that pansy was a sign because as they're named, they aren't exactly hearty, yet here was this one that survived the winter and, well it kind of felt like a sign. It took me about a year or so to even dream of him! Mission? I think that's something we have to find for ourselves. That to me is one of our hardest challenges.

the only advice I have would be to see a grief counselor, journal, cry when the tears come, try to keep busy when you can, take good care of yourself by eating healthy, don't forget to drink water, get regular exercise/walks, and talk to a doctor about your anxiety. Beyond that, grief hurts and there's no way around it but straight through it. I'm sorry, I do know the pain all too well.

One thing I've learned is that it's no reflection on your love or life together if you have happiness in the future. In fact, that is to be desired. for most of us, it doesn't fill out the way this author says, but someplace in between. For many of us, the most we can hope for are happy moments. But I am genuinely happy for those who find more than that. Much of our happiness is a result of our effort (and I'm NOT talking about early grief here which is devastating and catastrophic!), so this person's success is, in my estimation, to be applauded! She's done a great job. I continue to go on missing my George, daily. But that does not mean I don't have happy moments. I enjoy my solitude much of the time. However, I also miss sharing life with him, which I would not have wished one iota away. I can enjoy nature, my animals, reading, the company of the seniors where I volunteer. I enjoy singing, I enjoy my sisters, my kids, my granddaughter. Yet there's not a day goes by but what I miss my George. Am I happy? For the most part, yes. But it does not even begin to compare with the happiness I had with him, which will be absent from my life as long as I am in this world.

Not sure what you disagree with me about... We had a great experience with hospice with my mom. I HAVE visited nursing homes and care centers, my own mom was in a dementia care unit. I will say I don't think having your loved one in a facility is a substitute for family involvement. I HAD to visit often AND get involved with her care. We are their voice when they can't speak for themselves! I'm sorry this has been your experience. As for hospitals, it was in a hospital I was nearly killed a year ago because they over anesthesized me and my heart stopped during surgery because of it causing them to have to restart it and I stopped breathy countless times for hours, then they lied to me about it when I questioned them...yet I overheard them talking about my case and I saw the bruising on my chest from it so I knew better.

I don't see how anyone can expect us to be over this in five months...I don't think it's something we "get over" like the mumps, but rather have to learn to live with. It is important to have good in our lives and part of this journey is learning to recognize and appreciate the good that is still there...and attempting to build good into our lives. It's not a simple or quick process but it's one we are doing!

Hugs to you too, Butch! I know this is a really busy time for you. I hope you have time to read to your grandsons. The discussion here about changing/canceling things after their death...I couldn't afford to keep George on the cellphone plan with him gone, so my daughter took over his phone. We kept the plan for years but when we changed it, she still kept the phone number. We all had to make a lot of changes, maybe sell a vehicle, it was hard. Each change made felt like our guts were ripped out. It's all part of the progression through grief and nothing easy about it!

I don't know why you're thinking about it so much, but we tend to wish we could rewrite history so everything would be perfect...only none of us can go back and do that, including Tammy. I'm sure they have the same wishes and regrets we all do, but the life we lived together has been done and it was still pretty darn special, warts and all!

I am so sorry. I know this is hard hitting. Each and every emotion you feel is yours and valid.

I've been told I come across as strong and independent and a bit intimidating. Ha! I HAVE to be strong and independent, it's not because I WANT to be! I would have loved sharing my life with someone, interdependent, but I got it for such a short time...sigh. I guess I'm lucky to have had it at all, but man it hurts like the dickens to have had the greatest love in the world, only to lose him to death. We were supposed to grow old together! You are doing well to focus on what you DO have, and good friends are worth their weight in gold! Right now I'm lacking that and miss it...need to find and build some new relationships. My friends all seem to move away at some point or another!

You are doing what you need to do for you and that is good. Stepping away will protect what love you have for him while maintaining your own personal sanity. He's not likely to tell people what he's feeling and we all know what a facade we can put on when we don't feel like opening up or think they'd really want to know.. ("How are you?" "Fine." ...while inwardly you're hurting.)

Hi, Teddy. Welcome to this site. When you are ready, I hope you will share your story...who you lost, when. Yes, death is an uncomfortable subject...even more uncomfortable to live in the face of it. Others may be able to walk away from it, but to those of us living with grief, it is ever present.

Move on to what? I continue to live, breathe, perform tasks, but most of what was good in my life died June 19, 2005. Yes, I look for good and find it, but nothing to the extent that it was with George, nor do I expect it, I've learned not to compare. My life is just so different now. I don't think you can get that at three months out or a year out. It's not until it's year in, year out, alone, no one to care, no one to help, no one to talk to, no one to make a big deal of your birthday or wake up with on Christmas. No one to share your day with, no one to leave the garage light on for you. Only until you've experienced that over years can you know how I feel. Move on...what does that mean anyway?

Oh Hon, been there! I'm sorry. I know how bad it hurts. I've cried so hard I've had to pull over in the car because I couldn't see the road. I think after a long time you get kind of numb, I guess they call that acceptance. You know they aren't coming back and the grief bursts don't hit as often. But always, always, he's on my mind. Always, always, he's in my heart. Each and every day I miss him, a thousand times over! And time doesn't change that.

Oh yes, we get it. They never will...not unless they go through it, and I pray they don't.

A computer whiz should be able to disable the password on the computer so you could use it. All passwords do is keep ordinary folks out like us! Hope, I can't even imagine losing my sister, I've lost everyone else it seems, and I know it'll start happening any time and honestly I don't know how I'll live when the time comes. That you're making effort to live life for her is admirable and I hope you are able to find some meaning in life eventually. (((hugs)))

George was the social one, I relied on him to make friends for us and come up with the fun ideas. I guess that's why my life can be sort of lonely or boring now.