kayc

We have indeed all been on a roller coaster ride, one that we can't see the turns and dips, we must just take them as they come. I can't say as I've enjoyed this ride that much, there has been a lot of stress and bad things over the last 8 years 3 months, but I'm still here, so I guess that's something.

I spent the afternoon cleaning out my closet...I got rid of 30 pairs of jeans/pants, quite a few tops, shoes, purses, and a coat, even a negligee set that I never wore and see not need for now. My car was full as I took it all to St. Vinnies! Arlie and I just finished our walk and now I'm waiting for the house to cool down. fae, you said there's so many things you don't know how to do...well, that is me. I feel fairly discouraged right now because my neighbor told me the washer repairman was worried about my patio ramp and said I should get it fixed. I had it built eight years ago but the contractor used the lumber I had around here to save on money...I guess I should have bought new wood because now I'll have to pay someone to rebuild the whole thing and it is rather extensive. No one is in danger of falling through at this point, but it will need replaced probably within the year. I feel like my place has gone downhill and as I can't afford to hire workmen, I've had to live with it as is to some extent...when you get your hours cut, there is no money for upgrades. But it is discouraging to not have a partner to help with these things.

Lots of catching up to do! fae, I love your pictures! Sasha is beautiful, looks part Golden Retriever, part something else. Beautiful! Oh Mary, your pictures of Bentley are precious! What a darling puppy he was!

Karen, I'm so sorry about your jaw! I just went to the dentist Wednesday, no fun! My long time dentist retired so I met a new one in the practice. I hope your pain will be easily taken care of! Mary...I think Bentley got the better end of the deal (attention vs. mosquitos)! The Tetons are so beautiful, I've always wanted to see them and never have. I once bought a print for a friend and had it custom matted and framed...it was one of his favorite places.

I think it's cool that you are getting the doorbell rings as I think it's helpful to you. Rick, thank you for your post. It's been over eight years for me but I think it's helpful for Chris to hear from a man's perspective.l We used to have some men here but they don't post very often anymore. Chris, yes you made it to Saturday. I guess it would have done me no good to have hoped not to make it because here I am eight years later...better to learn how to do the time. While it may not get easier in three months, it seems to be easier to handle eventually, but like Marty once said, it's not just the time that passes, but what you do with it...it does take a lot of effort to proceed in this grief journey.

Denise, I am so sorry. I know how I'll feel when my Arlie's time comes...we're never ready to lose our best companion, our dog. Oliver has been so fortunate to get you for a parent, you have done all you could for him throughout his life, and given him the best life possible. I can relate as I feel the same way about my Arlie, I prefer his company to anyone's. A lot of people don't understand or agree with the commitment I have made to him, they feel it ties me down and costs me to much...my answer to them is there is nothing I'd rather be doing than spending time with him and nothing that is worth any more than he is. I am, in short, a fellow dog lover. I think you've made the right decision for Oliver...the selfless decision, to give him quality of life, selflessly, rather than dragging his life out at the expense of making him truly miserable. You are a good owner. It's my personal belief that when we say goodbye in this world, it is temporary, and we will be together again. In the pet thread there is a video on "The Rainbow Bridge", I hope you will take a look at it when the time comes you have to say goodbye...for now.

Beautiful, Anne!

Well I don't build walls or do wiring. Which reminds me of a funny story. George's dad never taught him anything, never having done anything himself, and George was really good about trying to do things around the place and learn, but he'd never been a "homeowner" before we were married, so many things were new to him. He did a great job of replacing the rail around our patio, fixing the car, patching the roof, but wiring... When he died, my son got a week off (Air Force) to come home and he looked up at a wire going to a ceiling light and saw masking tape on it (I hadn't noticed before)...he had a ghastly look on his face and said, "Uh, Mom, did George fix anything else???" It just cracked me up! My son was studying wiring engineering at the time and knew all too well that could lead to a house fire. I'm actually amazed that George hadn't realized that, but then if you've never studied conductivity...

Mary, Have you tried "slides", an alternative to shoes/sandals? It'd protect your feet and support them without making them feel enclosed. I love them! I can't wear flip flops/thongs, but I love slides...no toes, no backs, no buckles, just slip on/off.

Karen, I had to laugh at the thought of your doing the stress test in cowboy boots! Haha... Anne, I wish I'd read this last night instead of now...I don't always make it on line after work, esp. after taking my mom out, I am beat by the time I walk Arlie and it's 8:00 at night and I finally sit down. This morning I started here and got interrupted, am just now getting back to it. Anne, you are definitely not whining, you are with your friends and we all care about you. I hope once they figure out exactly what is right for you that you can have enough quality of life that makes it still enjoyable for you. We've all grown rather fond of you here and we want you to stick around for a long time! Mary, I'd be wearing the shoes! I wouldn't want to answer to Anne! Teehee... fae, Making myself some green tea right now, seems to be the thing my body loves the most!

Karen, My heart breaks at your story, all of the suffering your husband endured, and you right along with him...and your daughter too! I have no answer for the "why" these things happen, some think everything happens for a reason but I gave up looking for a reason years ago and accept that things happen and we're left to deal with it as best as we can. To people who say "it's God's will", I say, Bunk! They wouldn't know "God's will" if it hit them on the head! Anyway, I am just so sorry you have gone through so much and I understand about the caregiving for I too have gone through so much in my life and I've found that taking care of ourselves seems to be the greatest challenge, but I've learned to since George died for there's no one else to do it. Noone here will argue your being angry, you have every right to be and sometimes we have to let ourselves feel the anger before we can go any further in our journey. You certainly have enough to feel mad about! You will receive caring here, for we've all been through the same thing...just different details and circumstances.

Jan, so glad it was a positive visit! And Anne, that you are enjoying the birds and sunshine. My positive today is after I fixed breakfast for a friend, I took my screen door down and got it fixed and put back in. Now, if the stupid cat will leave it alone and Arlie too!

I know neither of you would compromise yourselves for money, that sure wasn't my inference! I just hate to see someone steal from you by wearing you down, but if you can live without whatever they're taking and it means peace in your life, I agree, it's worth it. In my case I have been stolen from and it's cost me dearly, it's meant struggles in my later life that I shouldn't have had to bear. fae, so glad you're headed to the spa! And Mary, watching the buddhist do a sand painting sounds fun! You do have fun with life, don't you!

Jan, I'm so glad your friends turns out not to have cancer! Hormones can be corrected.

fae, Yes it is rare for someone to walk away from a trust fund to avoid the ruffians, but then again, that is their purpose, trying to wear you down so you will do just that. The fighter in me says not to let them but then I did just that with my kids' dad in our divorce...they wear you down emotionally so they can have whatever they want. it's a cruel thing to do to someone who is at their most vulnerable. At the time, I just wanted peace and away from it all, I couldn't handle any more. I'm paying for it now (financially). If one can afford to walk away, I'd say it's okay to do that.

Mary, Perhaps you can see your friend alone for lunch, etc. We don't have to like each other's spouses. My sister has a very obnoxious husband that none of us want to be around, we try to see him as little as possible so we take her out, etc.

Chris, good for you, you are doing your best! I know you love your son, I can hear it in your heartache and concern for him. I'll pray he softens so he can hear what you ARE offering, not what you cannot.

fae, Every day further out from those ruffians is better indeed!

Hi Marty, it's good to have you back! LizaSoup, it's easy to understand how you could feel he was unhappy with you, although it was nothing to do with you at all. Communication is so key! I think I would be straightforward and just ASK him what he is feeling/thinking when unsure. You could ask him if he felt another place would be easier to go to rather than a place he visited with his wife. Just let him know you are open to what makes him comfortable. He is going through a journey that is difficult and never-ending although always changing.

Chris, my heart certainly aches for you and I agree with Mary wholeheartedly, this is not your fault and it is unfair of your son to put you in this position when as an adult he is responsible for his own situation. But as a mother I empathize with you because I know it's not easy to leave our adult children with the consequences of their own decisions and choices and actions. We love them. BUT we can't always fix everything for them. My gosh, Chris, you are not responsible for your son not seeing Paula before she died! You communicated, you offered assistance, he didn't come. I think, like Mary said, sometimes when people are mad at themselves they strike out at someone else (usually those closest) because they can't handle the responsibility for their decisions, it's easier to make someone else the scapegoat. And often they don't even realize it when they're doing it! You are right, you must consider all of your children and not let just one manipulate you or emotionally blackmail you. If it were me I would offer to let them stay with me, but would not provide them a home beyond my means. And staying with me would mean adhering to my house rules and chores, showing respect, no drama. If they came with drama, they'd be asked to take it elsewhere, kids or no kids. Sometimes as a parent I've had to do the tough thing and yes, I've even had to say "no". I remember when my grown daughter asked me to co-sign on an apartment for her and her then BF. I had co-signed for her twice before as she was young and supposedly building her credit. But my financial situation had changed and the last place she'd been at had gotten damage from her cats. So I said "no". She sounded shocked, surprised and got off the phone rather quickly (I was at work). I bawled. I told my boss he was lucky, he had little kids and still had some degree of control, but when they grow up and leave home, it's all different! But I did what the "right thing" was, not the "easy thing"...she needed some tough love, she needed to learn to work out her own problems, and as an adult it's an important part of the process that they learn to figure things out on their own. I have tried to make it so my kids knew they could always come back home, leave that door open for them, but they'd be expected to contribute in some way either financially or chores, and of course they'd have to look for work, show respect, realize it's my home, although they're welcome there. I think the part that I find unfathomable is that your son would in any way infer that he would cut you off if you didn't do what he wanted. I find that sort of a threat, implied or otherwise, is something I would not cave in to, although it would kill me inside...I would have to do "the right thing", not "the easy thing". The thing that is for their best good...learning and growing as an adult. There are other alternatives...there are camp trailers to be found very inexpensively, they could have one in your driveway. Some come with showers/toilets, of course they'd have to be taken to "dump the waste" periodically, but it's a consideration. I did have a family friend living in one on my place one winter, it only raised my elec. bill about $35/month. Mine didn't have a toilet/shower so he had to come inside for that. Maybe it's not the handiest thing, but beggars can't be choosers and it beats being homeless. He had his own refrigerator, stove, heat, bed, table/chairs, t.v., music, closet, etc, albeit tiny. Sometimes we are looking at an either/or when there may be alternative solutions or something inbetween. Good luck to you in your decision, whatever it may be. I don't envy you in making it, and esp. at a time when you're feeling your most low and vulnerable.

Mary, and aren't you glad you chose "time" over "money"?! That's what people don't get, it is our time together that is really so precious. Once gone, it cannot be retrieved.

I swear I need some "like" buttons here!

Karen, Welcome to this site, it is a place that has been dear to me the past eight years. My husband needlessly died because a doctor ignored his repeated complaints/symptoms and did not send him for testing...he suffered damage to his heart and finally his fatal heart attack. I did talk to them about it after he died as I didn't want him to ever hesitate to send someone else for testing and their life to be lost, but alas it has happened since. You are not only suffering the loss of your husband, which can be the single greatest loss in one's life, but the additional trauma of watching your daughter suffer through her struggle to survive. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Thank you for sharing WifeLess' post, that about covered it all. It could have been written by any of us as we have all experienced this. I hope you will continue to come here and be a part of this site. It makes all of the difference in the world to be able to come here and share with the wonderful people here I have come to know and love.

Last night I watched a movie "Identity Theft"...there were some parts in it that were much too crude to recommend it to anyone, but still, it made me laugh. There was one scene in there (after the snake scene) where she's beating him with fire, and I swear, I almost died laughing. (I swear the poor guy has my kind of luck.) Even thinking about it today cracks me up! A scene I won't forget for a long while. And the thought occurred to me how great it is to really belly laugh! How wonderful it is to watch a comedy and really laugh! It's very restorative.

Mary, I have a lot of catching up reading to do (you all were busy here last night!) but I just had to tell you how much it made me chuckle to learn you had "salad circle", ha! That is so funny! I swear you have something for everything imaginable...yet call yourself a hermit, ha! I'm still laughing.... Okay, on to read the rest of everyone's posts...ha ha...