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Kristen, Thank you, and for the flower too. and you'd better not be saying goodbye! I know, we're all a nervous group, that's cuz we know how hard this is and what we've felt at times. Hoping to get an email from you...

Mary, great deal on the ticket! I hope you get to see Wicked, I've heard it's good.

I'm sorry it's such a painful process, I do know it well. Deciding to get another dog is an individual decision that everyone decides different, but for myself, I'll probably always want a dog. I am so incredibly attached to my Arlie now I can't imagine what a wreck I'll be when the time comes to say goodbye, but he's middle aged so we have a while yet. Will I want another dog then? Probably...I can't imagine ever having a dog I enjoy and love so much as he has a very special personality that is just right for me, but I would say I'd have to be open to letting another furry soul touch my life. I look at it as a two way street, with them giving so much to me...and me giving so much to them. To give someone a needed home and a heart full of love is a precious thing, as your labs realized. I hope you get clarity in what you want to do from here.

I like to bake too and understand the added pounds. I made a strawberry -rhubarb pie yesterday for my son and he thoroughly loved it. I also fixed a Basmati Rice dish for lunch and Noodles Alfredo for dinner. He's here for a couple of days and it's nice to have someone to cook for!

fae, that torte sounds wonderful, I'm sure they did all love it! My son arrived yesterday morning, and after getting my filter put on my truck and having breakfast with a friend, I stayedhome with my son and took care of Arlie and Mozzy (his dog), Skye wasn't able to come this time. It seems Skye is unable to get up using his paws anymore and has to push up from the floor with his face. I told Paul if it worsens he may need a special helmet. You may wonder why we keep this wonderful dog alive, well because frankly, he doesn't seem to have any pain and he is so happy! He truly is an inspiration as he just keeps going no matter what infirmity strikes him. I love him with all my heart and miss him. Anyway, I made my son a strawberry-rhubarb pie...I used a single crust recipe for a double crust pie, so I could cut back on fat/calories, and rolled the crusts out super thin. He loved it and it got all stars rating from him and my neighbor. I also made Basmati rice with sausage and vegetables. And for dinner we had Noodles Alfredo with chicken and vegetables. It's a good thing we were busy to work off all of the calories! My son got the new belt on my car...it goes around seven pulleys and being a Civic there's no room to get yur hand in there, so rather challenging. Today he's going to weld the brackets on my truck to hold the exhaust system in place. After he finished on my car he had to troubleshoot his Chevy 1 ton and replace the fuel filter on it, which he just happened to have on hand for one we used to own. That worked out well!

Sounds very wise, Anne! I hope you are able to get in some good rest between now and then.

Harry, you are having great results! I hope you find someplace wonderful to take a break...

Anne, I love that quote and find it to be so true. And fae, yours is inspiring too.

Anne, I just got caught up on posts here (you guys were busy last night!) and received your wonderful news! I am elated and I'm sure a big weight has dropped off your chest. I'm so glad for you and Benji!

Mary, I read your piece and I feel that you are daily getting more in touch with your inner self, who you are, what you need and are listening to and adhering to that and I can't help but feel that is a positive step. Your motives are selfless and I can't help but feel you and Bentley will find someplace to visit that will not be all about rules, insurance, etc. but just the enjoyment of someone getting to pet a sweet dog that will enjoy the attention. You say you don't belong anywhere and I understand the feeling. It's an odd feeling to be someone's world and then just be alone. To share in everything and then have to do things alone. The sense of not belonging anywhere lessens with time as the being alone becomes your norm...it does take a long time though. I don't really think about it too much any more except when something hard hits and I'm feeling an especial need to share with George and...well you know.

Chris, Happy Birthday, belated! I know, it's hard going through those days now...but then it's hard going through any day now...at least for a good while. I have never heard it put that way before but that is indeed a very apt way of looking at it!

I bought a wonderful library of books for my kids and when they were little we read to them every night and instilled that love in them. So many treasures. Yeah, Arlie is letting me know I am behind this morning, I need to get out of my robe and slippers and take him for his walk, he never forgets it's due!

Wow, that kind of nails it, doesn't it!

Yes. My dad's bdy was June 10, also his and my mom's anv. same day, then George's bdy June 14 and death day Father's Day and the 19th. I feel like I got a double whammy since it was Father's Day as I am reminded every year on that day as well as the numerical day.

You could try a private detective. Have you exhausted all possibilities through his family or friends, classmates?

Oh I think our parents have a bigger impact on us than we'd realize! Not always in a good way, but impacting regardless. My mom was a tormented soul who was very unhappy and abusive when we were growing up and beyond. She is now 91 and in a Dementia Care Facility. All of our lives us kids have had to deal with the fallout from her and from my dad's drinking...but mostly her. Her temper and negativity and manipulation took it's toll on all of us. Now here we are in the latter days of her life, and I think most of us have done a pretty good job assimilating her into our lives. We have had to incorporate all of her, the good and the bad, we've had to accept her and our relationship or lack of it as it is. I wasn't even sure if I could say I love her, but I think I do, maybe, some. I guess I must, I come see her and it's not out of sense of obligation, for I don't feel any of us kids, with the troubled growing up years (and beyond) that she gave us, owe anything to her. But I do care about her, so maybe I could say I love her...some. Not the same as people who've had great parents in their lives that have been wonderful role models and been there for them, but still...I care. My parents shaped who I was, even if nothing more than my learning from their mistakes, but still, it's something. Perhaps they loved us somewhat...not like we needed, but as they were able. I have had to accept their limitations and realize that in their way, they tried their best...or not. But that is theirs to answer for, just as my life is mine to answer for. I say all of this not to infer that you had anything less than a wonderful dad, but you say you weren't close, that you didn't think he impacted you that much and now you find yourself really grieving. And I can understand. I don't know how it will hit me when my mom dies, there's no way for me to know. I'm still not all that sure about what she is to me. But it'll probably be something, it may impact me more than I expect, I will find out someday. In the meantime, I try to do my best by her. Parent/child relationships are weird, I really think so. I poured my heart and soul into my kids and when my daughter turned 18, it's like she didn't look back. I miss her and I don't understand it. I was there for my mom, even though she didn't deserve it and I don't get why my own daughter doesn't want me in her everyday life at least once in a while. She is my holiday girl, that's when I see her, for a brief time. Can they really be that busy? Who understands the relationship between a parent and a child? The parent plays one of the biggest roles in a child's life, for better or worse. How can we not feel something, esp. hard hitting, when they are suddenly gone? They are our link to our heritage, our genes, our family. They were our teachers, our role models. Maybe not always the best, but like I said, even if all we did was learn from their mistakes, we did learn, that's the important thing. There were some things we can look at and see they did a good job with...my mom was a good housekeeper, organized, a great landscaper...I wish I could say I got that from her but I do not have that form of creativity or green thumb. But all of us kids are extremely organized, we are all planners like her. We all got my dad's terrific sense of humor and I wish we could be half as mellow as he was. This was our parents' legacy to us. And so the line continues. I hope this Father's Day you can ponder your dad, forgive what needs forgiven, and honor what was good. It's normal to wish for what might have been, but try not to dwell on that unduly...we all have that but can't change the past. We can only embrace it and try to bring good from our life for having known them. And good for you, for going back to the meetings!! That is a big step in a positive direction for you!

Thank you, Stephen. It is comforting to think that they have each other and are waiting for you when you are done here. I have many loved ones waiting for me. I think their lives are better than mine is here, but I try to do the best with what I have here.

Have you thought of buying him a card anyway, and writing in it and taking it to the cemetery and reading it aloud to him? Marty included a link that I hope you will visit and read. Yes it will be a hard day, not like spending the day with him would have been, but there are still ways we can include and honor them even while they're not here in physical form. Maybe order their favorite meal and eat it in honor of them, spend the day doing what he would have enjoyed doing, still express your sentiments to him. I know, this is hard if you're not used to it, but none of us are too old to learn to express ourselves, even if it's new to us. And for what you can't express, be assured that he knows. Do let us know how you decide to handle it...my thoughts are with you.

SunShine, My sweet beloved husband passed away on Father's Day eight years ago. Today is his birthday. My kids go to celebrate Father's Day with their dad (we were divorced) so that I am alone every year on the anniversary of his death. I have had to face and tackle each anv. of his death alone. I make a pie for the other fathers in my church (each one gets a pie on Father's Day) and I do so with George in mind. When he lay dying in the hospital, he was worrying about getting his pie. I think someone up in heaven, most likely my MIL, is making him one of his own until I get there. I think about him. The first year, I put messages in balloons and released them. They went up and popped and came back down, messages and all. It made me laugh for a moment, as I thought it might be his way of getting me too...I hadn't expected them back! But as Marty has shared, there are different ways we honor them...some light candles, some go to a place special to them, some celebrate the day doing what they would have enjoyed.

Jenna, I caution you not to limit the possibilities. Maybe Stan isn't "the one" either, but that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there that would be the greatest for you, try not to close the door to possibilities. I'm not saying it couldn't work with Ben, stranger things have been known to happen, but I am very cautious about you putting your hopes in something so uncertain. Have you tried to contact him? Right now he is an illusion that you don't even know if it exists...you are putting your hope in a fantasy that you don't know is real. Why not test it and see if it is indeed real or not? Perhaps he's married and wants nothing to do with you. Perhaps he's dead. 30 years is a long time! And perhaps he's waiting for you too...but if so, have you not asked yourself the question why he hasn't attempted to find you?] What happened on the aforementioned date?

Chris, I too am very glad that you will consider finding someone to help guide you through this journey, at least at the beginning. It is the hardest journey I have ever embarked on. When my dear MIL was bedridden with cancer, I had a baby and a toddler and was needed to take care of her...it was a journey that lasted nearly three years. I had no idea it would last that long as they'd given her about three weeks. But I do remember I took it a day at a time. It was hard as we were grieving in anticipation of her death and somehow death and life got all intermingled. My poor little girl, when she started kindergarten, they called us in and questioned us "about our home life" because she was coloring with black and brown and grey! I told them that her grandma was dying and we'd been living with it for nearly three years. Within a week she passed away, and shortly after my daughter began using bright colors...it was the living with suffering and death that was so hard on her. It was hard on all of us, as any of you who have been caretakers can attest. Yet it was the most special time in the world too, and I am so glad we had the opportunity to do it the way we did, in her own home, surrounded by her loved ones. I have not thought of this grief journey as being quite so precious. It has been hard. But even in all of the pain and challenges, there has come much learning, many lessons that I consider real pearls. It has shaped and molded me into who I am. I have not had the chance to become shallow, for hardship does not allow for that. It's like we are in a garden full of weeds and we must pull the weeds and cultivate the flowers and water and tend them so the weeds do not have their way. It has taken tremendous effort to go on, it is not for the fainthearted. But I feel a sense of accomplishment and pride in us all, for we have done what we all would have thought unthinkable...that first moment when we knew they were dead, we did not think it possible, but we have survived. I know, people for centuries have died and their loved ones have survived, but this was not merely a loved one, this was MY GEORGE! Yet here I am, it will be eight years in five days. Today is his birthday. Instead of heading out camping or to the coast to celebrate, I am alone with an ordinary day full of chores. I think back to how handsome he was, how full of life and I wonder how can it be that he is gone. But he is only physically gone, for he really does live inside of me, in a way I never could have understood "before". Chris, you mustn't fear losing her, that will not happen. How COULD it happen! You were everything to each other! You spent your lives together! No, she will continue to reside in your heart and soul and your memories will always be full of her. She will continue to encourage and bring comfort to you, it will just be different. It is that which I hope you will get professional help with, to help you learn how to incorporate this new way into your life, to help you learn how it is that you can have her with you in this new form. We didn't get a choice about them leaving us physically, but we do have the ability to see to it that they remain with us in spirit.

Mary, I had thought of that as well, and I think Marty has a good point. fae, sounds like you're taking wonderful care of Sasha! And all of the exercise too! Anne, That is a long time to wait and I'm glad you have Benji home with you now...we will all be waiting to hear the results...I hope it's tomorrow so you don't have to wait until Monday.

Chris, So many of us mistakenly think that we have to hold on to the hurting because to do any less would be getting further away from them. We have to, at some point, give ourselves permission to smile, to enjoy something. You are still very steeped in the early throes of grief where the pain is all encompassing. Marty put it so well one time when she said something to the effect that it's not that we miss them any less as time goes by but rather we become better at coping. This is a learning experience and the further we go on our grief journey, the more we learn and thus become better at dealing with it. Just as being a caretaker might seem overwhelming at first, with time you get more able to handle things you never thought possible.

I haven't heard of that one, and my sister is a librarian even!