kayc

Shannon, I know you aren't reading right now, but when you come back I want you to know we are still upholding you in prayer and our thoughts are with you...it's been two weeks now and I know you can probably name the hours and minutes...how well I remember those early days of grief, even though my head felt like a whirlwind of fog. I am hoping the doctors will be able to help you through all of this, not only the cancer treatments, but the grief, for that affects our health as well. Keep fighting the fight...I know you can't see light at the end of the tunnel, but it exists even if we don't see it. We don't see the sun in the middle of the night but it still exists even out of sight. (((hugs))) Kay PS Mary, thank you for keeping us posted. And thank you for being there for Shannon. I know this is hard for you too.

Anne, Is it possible for your daughter to be with you when you ask these questions? Mary's suggestion was a good one, so that someone could catch what you can't absorb. It can be a lot to take in!

I took my mom out last night. One of the workers met me at the door and chewed me out for not giving them advance notice (my mom knew I was coming and was ready). In the year she's been there they've never asked for advanced notice and it was put to us like it was an open door policy, they just asked we sign her out. She was more or less a witch about it. I had a good time with my mom. But one thing saddened me, she didn't remember who George was or Don (my SIL) either. I showed her a picture of George and told her about him, she still didn't remember him, that made me so sad! But she tried to crack a joke once and that was so cute! When I brought her back they wouldn't let me come inside, they said there was a quarantine. ??? I am kind of concerned that their policies could contribute to hiding elder abuse. I talked to my siblings about their sudden requirements. Am I being paranoid about my concerns?

That's true, Pollara!

I think it's true, it helps to have a plan and stick to it. My first love (we were engaged and he broke off with me, no explanation) it took me years to get completely over. The first couple of years were, of course, the worst, but it was a long time before I could think of him without hurting. We reacquainted after 28 years and he asked me to marry him, made hits on me, etc. but I'm not interested now. We see each other once in a while as friends but it's interesting how you really can get completely over someone. After all this time he says it was his mom that broke us up...well I don't want anyone that weak an spineless or wishy washy. Do I think people can change? Yes but not usually that much. I would have to see it demonstrated as words alone don't mean that much to me and you know what? I see the same person he always was.

I'm sorry. 30 years IS a long time. But is he your soul mate if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings?

Mary, I applaud you, you have come a long ways! You are listening to your own inner heart, what you feel is right for you and for Bentley, what a good mom you are to put his needs ahead of other's wishes! All a part of parenting.

I think this is a key statement. It's kind of like when people are grieving and they want to hang onto their grief/being sad because they're afraid if they give themselves permission to be happy, it'll take them further away from the one they lost. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but using this as an analogy. You may need to give yourself permission to be with someone right for you.

Obsessing over him IS what I meant. Yes, that's the problem. Well if it always came back, I would resume therapy. I realize you tried to busy yourself with other people and activities, but you have to continue to. And work on being comfortable with being alone. It took me years to be able to do this, I could be alone part of the time, but not living alone all of the time...now I do and am much better with it.

This journey is full of it's ups and downs it's all part of it. We learn to roll with it, but in the beginning it's hard. Just keep trying, remember...one day at a time, that's enough.

Mary, standing ovation from me too! And I agree with Marty, do foremost what is best for you and Bentley. I relate to your concern about his emotions not getting out of whack because my Arlie...I have to guard his anxiety. I cannot leave him more than two nights because the last time he almost died and that was when he was being cared for in his own home by my son, whom he loves. He can't be away from me for too long or he gets separation anxiety. He could never be a guide dog or service dog because he gets over-excited too easily, I have to guard his exposure to excitement. When we are walking if he gets over stimulated he's hard to handle, it's like he doesn't hear me then...I respond the same way you would with someone who has ADHD, I gently touch him, but also restrain him, work on getting his emotions under control, sometimes it means tethering him to a post for extra leverage, but it is real hard when someone approaches with little yippy yappy dogs that get him over worked up when I'm telling them NOT to. We all know our own dogs best and how best to handle them, what they need. I hope Bentley is happy to see you and calm when you get home.

Anne, Anything that concerns you concerns us and is meant to be here. I don't see the two issues as unrelated (grief and health) as ANYTHING we go through affects our grief. We once had someone here that would go through everything with us, now they are gone and we are left here trying to deal with as best as we can on our own...that IS part of our grief journey. It's not only the "missing them" that is our grief journey, but anything that affects our grief as a result of them not being here for us as we go through it...whether it be looking for a job, facing health issues, making ends meet, making decisions, etc. Benji is great incentive for wanting to hang around a few more years...just as Arlie is to me. I hate to think what my life would be like without Arlie, and I know you and Benji need each other the same as we do. You might ask your doctor if it's true that they don't do transplants over age 70, just so you'll know...I'm one of those people who has to have all of the information, just so I can plan in my own mind (Plan A, Plan B, Plan C) or know what it is I have to worry about. I hate to admit it but I confess, I am a worrier...I try to lay things down, and sometimes I do well with it...and sometimes I revert to my worrying. So I hate nothing more than wasting time/sleep worrying about something that wasn't even a concern as it turns out! I wouldn't think they'd have hard and fast rules about a number/age, but go more by your health otherwise...in this case, if you had the heart your health would probably be great! But that is ahead of us, manageability is what they're aiming for right now and that is what we pray will happen. I hear you on your opinions about life care...I wouldn't want hooked up to a machine either or to not have quality of life unless it was temporary. This is a personal decision and you have been careful in your considerations of everything involved. I just want you to know that you have our support and love and we will continue to keep praying for you...and for Benji.

OMG, Anne, he is so adorable! It's been hard to see his face/eyes in the other pictures, these really captured him! (Black dogs are harder to photograph). Can he swim? What a beautiful, darling dog! We're hoping and praying along with you, Anne. All mother hens needed here!

I like the "Baileys and chocolate" idea too!

You eat pansies? I've had dandelion salad but never heard of eating pansies before. I don't know if I could destroy them! I love pansies, George called them the smiling flower. It sounds like your days are going well now and I'm so glad how things are working out for you there with having another place to go to, and a dog for companionship, how great is that!

No, I don't think you should get married to get over him, that's backwards. I don't doubt that you've tried to get over him. But it seems like your focus is on him and I'd think fixating less on him and busying yourself with other activities and people would help curb that. You said you had years of therapy though, did that not help? What did the therapists have to say and why did the therapy end when the problem/situation still exists? Aspergers involves OCD, my Jim is definitely OCD...do you think it possible that could be affecting your difficulty getting over Ben? Just a thought...

I don't think any of us blame them for being too clouded to think right, I think what's hard for us is the lack of candor with us. Jim blames it all on the grief he went through yet doesn't apologize or accept responsibility for what he did to me and I think that's necessary if we were to move forward, but how it is, that's not happening. I do still love him but there's more to consider than that. I can't be with someone too weak to stand up to his mother for me, too uncommunicative to explain all he was feeling about our relationship, and I'm not so sure it was all the grief in spite of his denials. I would have to know it wouldn't happen again and I can't be assured that because how has he demonstrated change to me? I know we'll all be okay here, and we're super people that deserve better than this.

Happy birthday to your dad! I know what it's like to lose both your parents and spouse, my dad passed over 31 years ago, my husband nearly 8 years ago, and I'm losing my 91 year old mother little by little to Dementia. We really do need to enjoy people when we have them...life seems to pass so fast and we have no way of knowing when each person's time here will end. Thinking of you today...may you have special memories as you think of him.

It has cooled down into the 60s this week, 40s at night. It's supposed to rain off and on, maybe even Tstorms late this week. A nice reprieve from the hot weather! Yep, I can't imagine keeping up Mary's schedule! Or fae's! Anne, I hope all is going well with you and Benji.

Thank you for sharing that I had not read that before, that is amazing and beautiful!

I got individual grief counseling too, and wish they would have had a grief support group for our town but didn't.

But if Ben is with Sandy, why fixate on him? It seems it makes more sense to try and get over him. I know that's easier said than done, but what other choice do you have?

Great post, Mary, I agree!

I see it as the relief valve on a pressure cooker. God only knows what would happen if we tried to keep it bottled up!

Thank you, Mark, for sharing that, very good points of consideration!