kayc

Anne, I so agree with all you said, I am learning bit by bit and developing the needed compassion and patience and forbearance. The staff hasn't seemed much help or to care. I called and talked to them today and had to call the med aids about trimming her nails so they don't break and get infected (she's Diabetic) and letting them know that half of her nails are now broken below the cuticles. I told them she won't ask them for help, she doesn't express herself to authority figures, but she has no problem expressing herself to us. They laughed, I told them I thought part of that was her generation. I also told them I'm concerned she's not getting her evening meds because of what one of the caretakers said to me time before last. They didn't get back to me but I sent a message to my brother, he's her conservator, I just feel we need to take an interest in her care and not just assume they'll do what needs to be done, too easy for them to drop the ball. And although I may feel exasperated at times, I do try not to show it, I have little talks with myself, breathe, etc. I appreciate what you said, that although they may not understand what's going on, they do feel the emotion, that's a good thing to keep in mind. Mostly I try to listen to her (helps her feel validated), show caring towards her, get her out of there for a break (she welcomes that). The part that exasperates me is not her memory or lack of understanding, the part that's hard for me is her fierce determination that she can do everything herself, when she no longer can, but that's a life-long attitude that has always bugged us, well at least for the last 30 years or so...but I also think it's prevalent in the whole family, all of us kids and our kids included. We're a fiercely stubborn independent lot! Marty, so true about time...it is what we prioritize that we make time for. During my work week I prioritize my job...on the weekend, I get my chores out of the way and then I enjoy my furry kids and spending time with them.

Shannon, good to see you popping in, you're never far from our thoughts.

Oh Mary, it is beautiful! I would have it framed and hang it somewhere where I could look up at it often and cherish it. What a gift! George wasn't artistic but man what a gifted writer! His college professor thought he should write, but he took psychology and eventually ended up a welding fabricator. He liked seeing something for his efforts. I found a poem he'd started after he died, he wasn't finished with it, and it meant so much to run across it, I really understand how you feel.

Yeah, I knew who had the Corgis, I think I just remembered wrong who I was responding to...old age, best excuse I can come up with! We used to have lots of squirrels but one of our cats made it their mission to run them all off, years later and still don't see them, but too many cats roam the neighborhood now, even though my two cats are spoiled and like the indoor life. Mary, do you have a cast on or anything? The weather is crazy, isn't it! Last week I had one day where I woke up to snow on the ground/snowing, later on hail, rain, and sunshine, all in one day...oh and thunder that night! This week it's sunshine, next weekend the rain is supposed to return. As long as the snow is gone! I hope you get to feeling better!

I agree. I don't know that it's boredom, but just grief. I can't explain it but I know when you're grieving, everything is about you, how you're feeling, what happened to you, etc. I'm so fortunate to have had my sisters and kids, even though they weren't close by, they loved me through it all, whereas the friends vanished and rather quickly, I might add. I doubt if he's given much thought to your feelings because right now it's all about him and what he's going through and feeling. Jim yanked my emotional heartstrings all over the place until I called a halt to it by determining never to cry over him again and putting a wall of protection around my heart. I even talked to him about it later and told him I wasn't going to let him do that to me again. My George never would have done this to me, he loved me and always put me first, he cared about my feelings. Such a night and day difference! I can say that how Jim broke up with me was not love...I've had love, and that's not it! I can't judge them all, I don't know everyone or all about their situations, but I know the "love" Jim had for me was sorely lacking. Fine for a friend, not for a husband that you need to be able to count on. Nope...better off "friends".

Yeah but in a marriage at least people have a chance to grow close again later on down the road. If you're broke up, it's just harder to make the effort to get back together...he might be thinking you'd hold it against him or things wouldn't ever be the same (he'd probably be right).

Plum did in her response to you in this thread and in another. I don't know if he's waiting for you to issue the finality or not, but I think it doesn't matter who says it first, but make this about YOU, and what YOU can/can't live with.

Kristen, When I was new to my grief journey, any thought of George hurt and would set off tears. As time went on it changed and instead of intense pain from the loss, the memories brought smiles, comfort, encouragement. I don't know at what point it changed, but it did, I just want you to know there is that hope ahead. Like Anne said, try taking a "thought break" and think about something pleasant if only for a moment, it's renewing. With what she's going through, she'll be our expert at surviving any time now. She may be already.

Well now you are mine (role model), Anne. I think it'd hit me pretty hard, not trying to be a downer, just realistic. I take things hard at the onset, it takes me a while to work up to courage. Do you have one of those medic alerts? Does your daughter or a neighbor check in with you every day? The picture is so cute! I've seen my cats do that, of course Arlie is too big for any planters I've seen.

I don't consider our story "unsuccessful" just because we didn't resume our engagement...instead I figure it took the course it should have. I am happy being his friend. Not everyone can accept "just a friendship" after being in love, but I don't look at it like that...I value friends, friendship is good too. And I am okay being on my own. Jim was never unfaithful to me, there was no question about that, neither of us care to date even yet. And I don't think "being more demanding" is the answer...they'd hightale it so fast your head would spin! They can't handle demands right now. To (newly) grieve is to be self-centered, how else can it be? The person has their socks knocked off of them, you expect them to think of others? It'd be nice if they could, but it just doesn't work like that, it takes time before the fog lifts and they can begin to think of others again. It takes effort to have positive focus. A grief counselor might help them. A support group might help them. But they have to acknowledge their need for help and want it, otherwise it's not likely going to happen. As for "what did they do wrong", I think there's a better way to look at it. Sometimes it isn't what someone did "wrong", but it just is what it is. Why affix blame? Does it make you feel better? That it's "his fault" or that someone else must not have handled things right? There is so much to learn about grieving...it's complicated, believe me, I've been learning about it for nearly eight years now since my husband died...hence the 6,000+ posts by my avitar, but I do not consider myself an expert by any means. The one thing I have learned is that everyone's situation is unique, everyone handles it differently, and that doesn't make it right or wrong, but just "their way". This is one of those things that doesn't fit a formula....you can't say "if this, then that" and apply it. Nope, it doesn't work like that. There AREN'T guaranteed results! You can't control it the way you might the rest of your life! It is a learning experience, a journey. And yes it's unfair. Life is unfair. Loss is unfair. Not getting what you feel you deserve is unfair. Is it fair that they lost their loved one? Is it fair that they experience confusion? And it's no more fair that we experience loss of them and our relationship. But like it or not, it is our lot to accept and do what is best for ourselves, to move on and make our life more tolerable for ourselves, to consider ourselves first and foremost. You can only be in a love relationship indefinitely when BOTH of you are givers...if one person does all taking, after a while the well goes dry. It can only go on so long. That's why "taking a breather" can only be for a set time. We might be the most understanding person in the world, but we're human too. I can't tell you whether you should acknowledge his birthday or not, only you can decide that. If you had a GF that lost their parent and had pulled back from you in her grief, and it was her bdy, what would you do? I would not wish him a HB though if I could not do it heart felt and freely. If I felt resentment or expected something in return, I would refrain from doing it at all. But that's just me, you decide best for you. I am sorry you are going through this, it sucks, it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Plum, Yes, we grieve too, the loss of our relationship. As I mentioned to Pollara in another thread, the "griever" also grieves the loss of relationship, even though they may not fully understand/grasp what is going on, and they can have conflicted emotions, but all they can handle at the time is the initial grief, and that quite overwhelms them. It's not as simple as other breakups. You are feeling angry because when you're in a relationship you feel a certain amount of expectation...that love will be reciprocated and expressed, no matter how minute the form...but right now he doesn't have it in him to express anything. He's a mess. And even once he has gotten through the bulk of the grieving and believe me, that could take time, perhaps years, he may not be the same. We grievers (I've lost my dear sweet husband) call it a "new normal" because the old normal is not there again, we are changed and cannot expect to be the same ever again. I survived the loss of my dad intact, and my mom has Dementia so am not sure how I'll be when her time comes, but not everyone goes through grief the same. We cope different, our relationships are different. Some turn to their SO for support...some push them aside. We just don't all cope the same. And that doesn't mean our relationship (as BF/GF) wasn't any good, usually you can't predict how grief will play out until it happens. It appears there must be a difference once married, because honestly, I haven't seen any married people come on here saying their spouse wanted out because they lost their parent. If I could figure this one out, I'd be a genius, believe me, I've given great thought to this and still don't have answers, only observations and conclusions. I will agree that we all deserve someone who will work through thick and thin with us, and it's our prerogative to decide for ourselves what we can/should take or not. No one can "take a breather and wait" indefinitely, it's just not healthy for us...after a time we start to resent being the only giver. And quite frankly, they deserve better too. They don't need our hostility or resentment or demands at a time when they're fragile, conflicted, confused, hurting and paralyzed emotionally. Maybe that's why they need the space. There is no predicting how things will go "afterwards"...if you truly have the patience of Job and can give them a breather for a couple of years, maybe there's a slim chance you can resume things and make it...can you really do that without resentment? I couldn't. However, I do know that if (almost three years out now) Jim were willing to put forth the effort into the relationship and answering all of the questions and I felt that effort was enough to build trust, I would most likely give him that chance, because he's someone I care about and enjoy being around so much and I think we go well together...but that is not what I am seeing so my decision to guard my heart still stands. I have to think with my head because my heart can't take another heartbreak. Yep, you are in the anger stage...been there, done that. It almost felt like a relief to me to go from the crying myself to sleep every night to the anger stage...it was easier to do. Once it's spent, it'll be easier to move to the acceptance stage, to forgive, to move on from the heartbreak. In the anger stage, it helps to vent...no not to them, but maybe here, or write it down then tear it up. Focus on spending time with friends/family. Take a class you haven't had time for. Join the gym. Clean your house. Paint your house. If you have any energy left, after all of that, you'll think of another way to expend it. It really helped me to keep busy so I could drop off to sleep at night. And if you're unable to sleep, talk to your doctor, they might be willing to give you something to help you sleep for a while...I say that only because it's not good to go without sleep for months...and sometimes heartbreak is such that it affects us like that. You WILL be okay, I promise you. Anger can fuel positive change so in that sense it can be good. So long as you don't let your anger be destructive, and any feelings of hate are short lived. There's a time to let it go, you'll know when. Right now, as is, they aren't relationship material.

I think your psychologist friends were off base in saying there's light at the end of the tunnel...honestly, they can't know that for sure, no one can predict with certainty what will happen. It could go either way. If one has grieved heavily themselves, how can they possibly know what the one grieving is experiencing? They can't! They can surmise, but they can't really know. And even one griever's experience will be different from another's, so we might have some commonalities but also some differences, and time lines are different, we have different coping skills, different personalities, so many things affect how we grieve, not just the loss itself. When you go out with friends, there's not the expectation put on you, you don't have to put effort into it the same way you're expected to give in a relationship, so while someone might be able to hang with friends, they may not be able to "do a relationship" when grieving. It's not an excuse, it's how it is. And as hard as it is, they then are compounded with the loss of the relationship with us, even though they're the ones doing the breakup, almost as if they're paralyzed to do anything else. It's not as simple as you're thinking it is. They may look like they're going along merrily without us, but the truth is, they may feel very conflicted and confused, just speaking from experience. I've had a lot of time in which Jim has expressed little bits and pieces of how he felt over the years since. And you're right in that they don't fully understand it themselves. Let's just say this isn't something we can blame or fault them for...it's not like other breakups, but rather we need to do what is best for us, just the same as they need to do what's best for them, and forgiveness is always key in moving on with your life, try to remember the good and let go of the rest and do what is wise.

Well I'd never say "just a BF" because that'd demean that relationship...if it's valuable enough to break your heart, it's an important relationship to the one involved, whether married, BF, or fiance. Yes, he broke up by Fed Ex. That was very harsh, I deserved better. But I understand, to a point, because he's Aspergers and they have a hard time with communication. But if this is any sign of how marriage with him would go, I'm best off not married. But I still care about him and enjoy his company, I just think maybe it's best we're friends. In Jim's case, he'd been caretaking 24/7 and was sleep deprived...severely, and family members were not giving him any respite. By the time his mom actually passed, he was almost out of his mind from lack of sleep, grief, to the point he couldn't think. And as I've learned, by the time he reached "normal" it wasn't his old normal, but a new normal. This is why so many do not reconcile after a breather...they are no longer the same people for having experienced grief. You said in another post that maybe those who didn't make it intact through grief had other problems in their relationship. I don't know, I've wondered the same thing, because after all, otherwise wouldn't marriages take a nosedive because of grief? Actually, I've heard that many that lose a child have an affair and some lose their marriage. I knew two who did. But I can't speak for all of these relationships, each one is unique, and there's always the possibility that maybe the relationship was terrific and just didn't survive grief, who knows...we can't presume to know everyone's situation and as for my own and many of the others here...there's too many unanswered questions. I just know it had the potential but for whatever reasons, he didn't choose that way.

Shannon, So glad to hear you made it through okay and that the surgery went well. I know this has to leave you feeling drained, as well as all of the side effects. Yes it will be good when you can focus on Leo again, but right now, you must do this for yourself so you CAN be there for him. Nothing but positive thoughts and prayers for you...

Kristen, I do know how you're feeling, all of us have said/felt these same things. The aloneness is one of the hardest parts of this grief journey. I was the strong one, didn't mind being alone, independent. I was ill prepared for how hard this would hit. And while I never minded being alone part of the time, when there was a choice, it's altogether different when there IS no choice and you're always missing them! Purpose is another thing that's hard to find again. I don't think I've found mine yet. I admire Mary, who has a plan. Me, I just feel like I'm waiting for something, and I've been here one of the longest, so I don't know how things will go but am waiting to see how life plays out. I wish I could be more proactive with it, I'm a planner, I'm used to taking charge of things, but honestly, I don't know where to start with my own life. George and I had plans...when he died, they were gone. I don't think Marcus is alone and yes I think he's very aware of your love. I had a near-death experience once, years ago, and I still remember that feeling, it's hard to describe, but it was a very positive floating kind of feeling, and I felt like I had a choice (to go or stay)...I would have picked "to go" except I still had young children and felt they needed me in their lives, so I stayed. But it made it something to not fear about death because it's merely a transition to somewhere/something else, something good.

An update on Kitty...I made the mixture like my friend suggested, and she LOVES it, so no problem getting the Probiotics into her! Day two of her dose, so I'm hoping she'll now be on her way to her healing...it's been 2-3 weeks she's had problems with her system, time for her to get well!

Stephen, I'm so glad that idea came to you, and I think you're right...it will be a place of serenity for you, as you watch your fish. You'll have to post a picture for us when you're ready to. And I do understand about your not getting another dog...I've always had dogs, I couldn't imagine life without them, but now, having Arlie, we are so close, I can't imagine having another dog someday...almost like it wouldn't be fair to them because I can't imagine ever being as close to another creature as I am with Arlie...but who knows. I just know we have to do what is right for us, and deep down inside, we know.

Oh Anne, I'm so sorry! Can they do dialysis to help your kidney function? And, like Mary asked, can they increase your dosages to help your heart? So you go back in one week, please do let us know what they say next time. I understand your feelings, and you're right, it ISN'T fair! You have enough to deal with. Please keep hugging Benji and doing your meditations, it all helps. We hold you up in prayer to the one who knows it all, the one best equipped to do anything about your situation. We care for you so much!

Mary, your plan for art and walking Bentley sounds like a good idea AND it takes your mind off the chaos. fae, I don't have time to take Arlie to the park on my workdays, too far away & my long commute takes up too much time. However, things went well with my mom...I'm learning to accept the good and the bad and not expect things to be a certain way, it helps. She thought I was my little sister when I called (we don't sound alike) so was surprised when I showed up. They said she'd been by the door waiting for hours (she has no sense of time anymore)...they'd teased her and asked her if she was putting herself in time out. It was kind of nice to have her ready for a change, normally we have to go through the getting dressed fiasco, which is hard because she does not want help and doesn't understand why she can't put an extra pair of underpants on the OUTSIDE of her clothes, or what's wrong with getting her shoes on the wrong feet. Ahh, dementia! Arlie and I did get a nice long walk in before dark, however (how I love this time of year when the days are longer!).

It's okay to grieve, to burst into tears, to feel sad, to miss them, but it's also so important to try positive focus when possible. What you are doing, by showing appreciation to those who were of help to Judy, is a positive focus. Positive focus take effort, this grief work is not for wimps!

I second that, she really is. I'm sorry she had to endure such trauma in her life, but she knew she was loved with the two of you, thank God she had that time with you.

That's true but that's because I could sense he was in no way near committing...if he'd been willing to commit and explain how he came to break off with me the way he did, and if he'd be willing to work through what needed to be worked through to make a go of it, I think I would have been willing too. But I will not let someone hurt me with back and forth stuff and emotional yanking around, nope, just won't go there. I have to protect myself.

Well mine never rekindled our relationship but at least we're friends...and in the 2 2/3 years since he broke up with me, neither of us have dated.

Mary, I can't imagine, I don't live well with chaos OR intrusion so I'd be way outta my comfort zone! Just breathe and keep reminding yourself it'll soon be over and once it is, it won't matter that it was one week or three, it'll just be nice and ready for you to enjoy. Having beautiful weather here and I want nothing more than to go home and take Arlie for a ride & a walk in the woods but I'm going to see my mom tonight so he'll have a late short walk.

Thanks, Marty! His findings don't surprise me. Dogs can be very smart but they think differently than we do, different things drive them (food, for instance). My dog will do pretty much anything for food!