kayc

Leftover, You were evidently writing the same time I was. I think you will come to the place where it won't hurt so much and the memories will bring a smile to you...it has worked that way for me. It does take time, and I hated hearing that because time was one thing I couldn't control and I couldn't speed it up. But it's true, with time, the pain eases and we somehow manage to adjust and cope with our loss and it transforms into something else where we can eventually enjoy memories without the associated pain. (It's kind of like having the dross cleared away and we are left with the gold.)

Catlore, You are so right, energy doesn't die. And what you say about Kylie is how I feel about Kitty...she's 18 and been through so much in her life before she met me. I often wonder the stories she could tell, if she could voice them to me. When my XH pulled his trailer from the trailer court (he hadn't officially adopted her but she'd spent much time with him for the previous two years and he'd fed her, let her into his trailer) and a week later came back she was sitting there in the empty spot, so forlorn, as if she was looking for him, just lost...he picked her up and drove her to my house so she could have a stable home environment. She'd spent her entire life in that trailer court, had litters of kittens, so many people had unofficially adopted her and then abandoned her in turn. She now has a forever home with me and I'll never ditch her. Her life is so different now, from that of a large city to living in the country, I sometimes wonder if she misses the trailer court...but one look at her contentedly ruling the house tells me different. Here she never has to worry about going without food or being cold or not getting proper care. I found the source of her scab covered body and now have her allergies well under control and discovered she really is a gorgeous cat when she's properly cared for. Kylie also could tell stories...and there's no doubt in my mind that her last year was her best. She found her forever home and the person who would love her the rest of her life...and beyond. There is a special bond when that happens, a bond that can never be severed, not even by death.

Shannon, I know what it feels like when your husband gives up, and it's a very hard place for you. A part of me felt like he should have tried harder for ME, but then again, how can I begin to understand the pain he was in and I should be glad for him that he is out of it now. It's just so darn hard letting go, even when we have no choice. I am so glad you are at your SIL's and so glad you have her. Are you going to be with her for a few days? Are you continuing to see a therapist who can help you through this time? I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to have the horrible memories you have, to have experienced the loss of your mother so young. My heart goes out to you as I'm sure everyone here does. Saying a prayer for you...

Anthony, I think that is all of our prayers for our kids...I have been blessed in that both of my kids are happily married and share the love that George and I did. George was their stepfather, and I'm glad they got to see true love demonstrated in him, my kids did not want a marriage like their dad & I had, they wanted one like George and I shared. When they've seen it, they know that is what to wait for.

Mary, You're in my thoughts and prayers today...I thought of you last thing last night. I hope this road gets easier for you this year. Although the death day remains difficult for us, I guess we need to celebrate their life and their ending with their struggles...it's those of us left here that continue the struggle but one day we'll get to join them. Thank you for sharing your "three years" with us, I love the pictures! You can tell how much love is shared between you. Love you, Kay

Shannon, How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a couple of days. Are you resting and getting well? Have you seen Leo?

I'm glad to hear that. I got the impression, though, that you haven't had Mason as long as Kylie. With two dogs (one's my son's) and a cat I wasn't looking to get another cat, but I'm sure glad I've got her, we are real close now, although I don't think a cat can ever be the same as a dog. JMHO

Have you thought about a companion for Mason? No one is going to ever take Kylie's place, that can't happen, but maybe it would help Mason feel a little less alone...and you never know, they might grow on you. Your telling about Mason's coming into the family, being yarded here and yarded there...it reminded me...when I was married to John, he had a cat named Kitty. They were stayed in Portland during the week and he'd come home (3 1/2 hours away) on weekends. When I'd visit up there I got to know Kitty but wasn't that close to her. One day he brought Kitty to my house and left her...I already had a cat and they didn't hit it off. Plus Kitty was NOT used to dogs and there were two. It took her two months to venture out of her cage and we finally just had to get her used to the dogs, sink or swim. One day John left and never came back. I was stuck with his cat and suddenly, I felt an affinity with her. We'd both been abandoned, after all. Now it's years later and I am very close to Kitty. She's had a hard life with more owners than she can count. She's 18 and I've promised her, she's mine the rest of my life. I just want her to have a good rest of her life. I don't know where I'm going with this except to say, sometimes we aren't thrilled about getting an animal but then we find out something peculiar...they grew on us and wormed their way into our hearts. Kitty sure did. Oh, and after my dog Lucky died and I got a new dog, Arlie...he is huge and rambunctious...it took Kitty almost two years to decide to live with him (she stayed outside on the patio). Now she's decided to make the best of it and lets him know who's boss and they get along.

I think it's common that we find ourselves actually missing them more as time goes on. Things arise in our lives that we would have shared with them or turned to them for...and they aren't there to participate.

I second what Marty said, I think real men DO cry! It's not good to keep grief bottled up inside of you where it can implode, how much better to find healthy expression to what you are experiencing. Grief may feel unnatural, but it is actually one of the most natural things we can experience as death is part of the cycle of life and we all experience it eventually. It's our society that seems to feel awkward about it, not knowing what to say or do. It'd be great if people could be educated about it so they would know how to help each other through it rather than saying/doing some of the dumb responses they do. Your Kylie is absolutely gorgeous, she reminds me of my Arlie with her smile and beauty. I know you will miss her always and it will take quite some time for the initial pain to subside, just hang in there and give yourself ample time to grieve. I wish you could have had more time with her, but honestly, we always wish for that no matter how long it's been. I only got three years eight months with my beloved husband and I often wonder how it is other people get 50 years with theirs, but that's just how it is I guess, I'm just lucky I got him at all. I've come to understand it's the quality of relationship not the number of years that is really important. (But dang it would be nice to have both!) I love that you got her paw print. It would be nice to have a shadow box with that, her collar, and her picture in it, wouldn't it? Do you know when you're going to take her ashes to the Sierras? That is a great idea, I like the thought of ashes being where they loved to spend time or had great memories.

Anthony, Thank you for sharing that beautiful picture of you and your daughter. I can see why you haven't been here lately, you have been very busy! I'm glad you're taking time out for your "grief work"...sitting by the beach writing sounds like a perfect way to spend that time. Good luck with the company and all of the challenges that come with it. You're right, talk about overload! I'm glad it didn't happen any sooner than it did...

Thank you all, you're the best! She won't be able to stay in her home without Jack's income, but there is a vacancy opening at an income assisted place and I know everyone will help her clean out and move. At least she has lots of grown sons, what a help! I just remember what a muddle the early days were, wouldn't wish that on anyone, I wish I could help her fast forward through this.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Kylie. It's very disheartening to learn that a dog you thought was middle aged in fact is aged. She is a beautiful girl, and I can see why you miss her so much. Six weeks is still very soon, I imagine you'll be feeling this way for some time yet. It's amazing how much they can worm their way into our hearts. Have you done anything to memorialize her? A scrapbook or something...it might channel some of how you're feeling into something you can feel good about. She has such a beautiful smile!

If you text her, I would keep it very light, so that it can in no way be construed as a "demand". People who are grieving are ultra sensitive and can take things wrong really easy. Maybe just something like "thinking of you and hoping you have a safe journey". I wouldn't say "missing you" because that can be taken as a demand, believe it or not. I wanted to give you hope but I don't want to paint you a false hope picture and there's no way to predict what'll happen. I hope all works out well.

Their boys live all over, Calif., Ore., Wash. but one is here in town, a couple nearby and they're swell kids ("kids", they're probably 40s to 60s), I know they'll be there for her, as will her church friends and neighbors.

I'm glad you linked those articles, Marty, it just seems to me it should not be grounds for dismissal...I'm not sure it's legal. Unfortunately, when I lost George and when many here lost their spouses, I think the last thing we felt up to was a fight, we just felt depleted, overwhelmed, vulnerable, etc. LATER I grew quite a backbone, but at first...oh gosh, it was just a muddle.

His wife and him have attended my church for years, Jack and I were on the Morning Worship Team together. Everyone looked up to him, to both of them, they are just kind souls living the life. Jack recently had some medical problems but they seemed like they were getting under control...and then he got bone cancer. It went so fast. I am glad for him, he is out of his pain...but it's got to be so very hard for her. In remembering how my MIL got bone cancer yet lived 2 years and 8 months afterwards...I'm glad Jack's didn't drag on like that, and yet it's really hard when they go so fast you don't have time to digest it either. Please keep Nancy and their boys (seven, all grown) in prayer. It's just so hard to believe I won't see him again...not for a long time anyway.

Jan715, Wow, I can't believe anyone would be that cold-hearted! I hope l they rethink their decision, but even so, you should be able to get unemployment, no one can be expected to not cry sometimes when they lose their husband! It hasn't even been that long for you! You are right in that it is harder to be the one left here than the one who got to die. You have my sympathy and support.

Very good advice, Mary. I've found that helps so much.

maf, I am very sorry for your loss. 51 is a very long time to spend with someone, I can understand it has to be very hard to fathom them not getting up and smiling across from the table from you again. I'm glad hospice suggested this site, there are a lot of people who have walked in your shoes here and we do understand how hard it is. One of the best things I learned here was to try not to think about "the rest of my life" and instead try to stay in today...today is enough. I am sorry your dogs are grieving too, but I am glad that you have each other to help you through this. There are a number of dog lovers here and we have found them to be a great measure of comfort and incentive in our lives. I hope you will continue to come here and read and post. It does help to "let it out" and tell what you are feeling...to keep it bottled up is just too hard. This is a very non-judgmental, understanding place and I hope you will find the love and comfort I have found here. You are welcome to tell us about your husband...what you love and miss about him, what the two of you loved to do together. Do you have children nearby? I don't know what part of the world you live in...I am from Oregon, we have some from Phoenix, Montana, Canada, Greece, just everywhere.

I am sorry to see another person is hurting here, I get that, we've all been there. You've already ascertained that you can't pressure her and need to give her space. I wish there was some formula we could give you that would work for you and all would be well, but unfortunately, we can't control the outcome, it is up to the other person. The best advice I have for you is to do just that, give her space, don't pressure her for time/response. Try to understand what she is going through and try your best to be unselfish and undemanding. BUT, you are also going to have to do what is ultimately best for you in the process...that is, as you begin to see her making her life apart from you, you cannot hang on her every word, hoping for crumbs...you need to focus on you and making yourself the best person you can be. This would be a good time for you to reconnect with your family and friends, take a course, start a hobby, anything you can to make your life well-rounded and better. The nighttimes will probably be the hardest as you cry instead of sleep, think and can't shut it off...but after a couple of months, that should taper off a bit too. Maybe join a gym or something as exercise makes you feel better and can't hurt, and it will take up time once spent with her. (Besides, think how good you'll look if you run into each other!) This is probably one of the hardest roles you'll ever have...do not show her the side of you that is hurting and missing her, that comes across needy and desperate, not an attractive quality, and instead of drawing the person back in, it backfires. You may be shocked and amazed that this girl that once loved you no longer seems to have any feelings for you and seems to go on without you. I can tell you with all certainty, it is a grief response. I don't get it, I can't explain it, I've grieved plenty without responding like that, but there's enough people here who have experienced this that we know it is a common response in some. Also know it is NOT "you", it is her...it will affect you, it will feel very personal, but it isn't. She would respond the same no matter who you were or how you were. Your best chance for recovery is to go about your life and not let her think you are waiting in the wings. Do not say anything dismissive to her, or be unkind to her. With time, you may make the decision you don't want her back, not as things stand, and that will be your prerogative...that is the risk she is taking now. Grief changes a person...they have a "new normal" and the girl you knew the last 1 1/2 years may be gone. I hope for a positive outcome for you, but I also know you can't count on it.

I got myself very exhausted, between work/commute/family obligations/Arlie's situation/my eyes...coupled with the accident I had this weekend, I decided to take my own advice and stay home from church today and just rest. I know I was expected at choir practice, but to be honest, I feel ready for our Easter number, and I need the rest more...before tackling work/commute/eyes again tomorrow. I was told yesterday that my new glasses would be in tomorrow so am hoping I will be able to see to drive home tomorrow night!

Shannon, when my daughter got the flu, she couldn't hold anything down and her tummy hurt so bad, the doctor was able to prescribe something for her and it helped her greatly. Please consider that if you aren't able to hold anything down, you don't want to get dehydrated and weaker. Keep resting!

Oh gosh, Shannon, you have just got to get some rest until you are back to normal physically again. You are exhausted in every way and NEED rest! If you can't sleep, get some sleeping pills from the doctor, they have some that are non-addictive, but you have just GOT to get some rest, forced or otherwise! Leo is being taken care of but you are not! You can't be of use to him if you aren't well yourself! I'm glad his sister and BIL are going to go see him...try staying home for a couple of days and just sleeping. Get lots of fluids and nutrition. Is there a takeout place nearby so you don't have to cook? Think of this as preparing yourself physically, mentally, emotionally for whatever is needed of you in the near future. Try to be at your best before the anv. of your mom's death comes, so you give yourself your best chance of handling it as well as you can. Seriously, Shannon, I am concerned about you, you can't keep going like this, you need to put YOU first for a while, okay? Still praying for you...

Anthony, good to hear from you, have been wondering about you (your absence).