kayc

Mary, your post utterly touched me...it covered complete transformation...going from one place to another, within. I have always felt that pain was designed to call our attention to something that needs attention within us, something that needs fixed or changed. But what then does pain as associated with loss and grief...what is it's purpose or does it have any? Is it different then than physical pain? Is there no fix, no cure? I kind of wonder that it is something we must live with, not unlike physical disorders for which there is no correction. Fae, Please keep us abreast of your condition and what, if anything, they can do to halt it's progression. That must have been a huge pill to swallow upon getting that news. How long have you been aware of it? All of this causes me to look within again and contemplate our purpose, just what it is we are here to learn. We are to be, I know that...is that all? Is that all that is required of us? If we are aware of ourselves and content, can we just "be" and thus fulfill our purpose? It is in the everyday existence, I believe, that we are who we are meant to be...a heightened awareness of others and what they are experiencing. Yes, as Mary was saying, caring about others, animals, etc. in their suffering...but also in the joy of their existence!

Oh my goodness! Here, even though "rural", some of the land is almost the size of a city plot. I have a small parcel, only 1.3 acres...many have 2 or 5 acres. 67 acres is a huge piece of property and to go out and walk it all and post signs is a daunting task! I understand the frustration about outsiders, they are the very ones who wouldn't understand and respect wishes, with others it's understood, written or not!

I'm glad to hear you're taking care of yourself...now I pray it does it's job! Good night...

Oh my goodness Mary, I wish I were there to help you! I hope it doesn't come to that (flooding)! I'm high up on a mountain so don't have to worry about that but the roads sometimes get covered, although not horribly deep. Hunters should not be in residential areas. And anyone who lets their kids drink, grrr!!! My dad did but he should NOT have! Dumb, bad idea! We raised our kids as teetotalers because my dad was alcoholic and my husband's mom was alcoholic, but I'm not opposed to drinking, just excess. I drink moderately now that the kids are raised and my son has elected to never have a sip and find out and my daughter only does on occasion and doesn't have a problem, so I'm glad they're raised and turned out okay. I just didn't want any more alcoholism in the family! Fae, how much meat do you get off a moose? They must be huge to last all year! I've had bear, it's good too. So is buffalo.

Again I need a "like" button! This morning it was dark when I walked Arlie and you could see the stars out, the sky was clear and so beautiful...dark blue. I love looking at the sky, it's one of the reasons I live where I do! And I doubt any place could surpass Oregon unless it be maybe Montana, Alaska, or Canada! Oh but then there's so many beautiful places and I'm afraid I'm leaving them out...

Haha, Fae, you're funny! (thank him in advance) Sambucus? I haven't heard of that. Is it a vitamin or herb? Once in a great while, for a fleeting instant, I feel genuinely happy. And then it leaves. But I suppose that is a start. It's not the same way I felt when George was here, but it's something.

Fae, I hear and agree with everything you're saying and know it to be true. It is the same here, although we don't have moose and caribou. I would love it if ALL hunters had to take a course, not just hunter's safety for youngsters, but everyone! And for crying out loud, they should all know the beast they have a tag for! I am all for stiffer laws...I would love it if they could confiscate their rig and weapons and ban them from hunting for drinking even one drink while on a hunting trip...the two just do NOT mix! It's idiots like that that shoot innocent bystanders and harm animals. I can't stand to see an animal suffer. I think there should be a marksmanship test before someone can get a license and tag as well. Who wants a bunch of wannabes out there wounding animals?! That sickens me! I know, animals actually die a much harsher death by natural causes than most due by hunters, but that's by decent hunters, not those who wound animals and don't even track them down and finish them off. Have you tired canning your game? It's wonderful! It takes 90 minutes to process, but it's out of this world, so tender and makes wonderful meat and sauce for pasta or rice, or for sandwiches.

My dear Shannon, You ask how you do that...you do it because it is what needs done...for him, for you. You want him to have the very best medical care and that requires around the clock...no one person can be that. You have a bladder infection and sinus infection? You should be in bed! Do you have medicines? I sure hope so! You need chicken soup and green tea, I wish I was there to fix it for you (but then I'd give you this bug and you don't need that!). I hope you will let the professionals take care of Leo and you be there (when you are well) for moral support and just to love him. I want to say this too, because my dad and my husband both died of heart trouble, so I know how it can be when they're not feeling well...they don't always think of us like they normally would because they are consumed with what they are going through, so it's easy for them to make a demand that isn't reasonable...like having you there when you are very sick. It's good to reply by listening to them, but not arguing, and to do what you know you need to do instead of giving in to an unreasonable demand. Yes we love them with all our hearts...and yes they love us with all their hearts, but we have to keep in mind when they are feeling at their very worst, what would they (in their RIGHT minds) want for us? They would want us at home taking care of ourselves and getting well. It is so hard to balance what we know we need to do with what they are asking of us, but follow what you know is the right thing, and not just your heart with what you would LIKE to do. That helped me a great deal. George's last weekend he got onto me for not being there but I was gone when I got the news he was in the hospital and I did not have a ride right away. His chiding me was not like him, it was his illness and fear talking and I knew that...I just listened, agreed, and did my best, instead of taking it to heart and feeling like a failure for not being there sooner. Do I wish I'd been there sooner? You betcha! But I also knew it wasn't my fault and I could only do my best. And I knew that George of all people would never have wanted to make me feel bad...at least not the George I'd always known, but the George who was facing his mortality was wrestling with a lot and was not himself...I understood that. I really hope you will consider what I'm saying and put your health as priority for right now because you need to get yourself well or you won't be able to be there for Leo at all, okay? We are still holding you up in prayer and Leo too.

Fae, You gave me pause for thought. I'm not sure I AM "living" but more like "surviving". I think there are many others who feel the same way. I wonder, how many years does it take until you reach the point you feel you are truly living again? I'm sure for some it's three, for others, never...it's very individual. I am glad for those who can and wish I knew the secret...I think it's harder than it looks. But one thing is for sure, I have not given up and am still open. Oh Jan, I'm sorry! This "bug" is really going around...my little sister just came down with it too and since she spent the day yesterday with my older sister, we're worried she too might get hit. It is a pretty nasty bug. I'm with you, COME SPRING!

Bow and arrow is WORSE unless they are excellent marksmen! There are many more wounded animals left from arrows than shots. It is much harder to hit your target. I was born on a deer hunting trip and raised by hunters, my kids' dad was a hunter and of course, he raised my son to be a hunter, so I've no problem with it. I understand the culture. The problem I have is in those who mix drink/party with hunting, the two do NOT mix! In my town, most able bodied men are hunters and many of the women as well. I participated in years and years of "cutting up" parties, where couples get together and butcher the meat until they're done. We were always very particular about our meat, opting to add pork roast instead of suet, and being fastidious to remove tendons, cut against the grain, package correctly, etc. Hunters are very particular about who they let into their hunting party, they don't want someone young and green, and if a young person, they train them right. They also don't want people who don't do their fair share or do things correctly. The men my son grew up in a hunting party with were good men that taught him a lot and he has great memories. He hasn't been able to hunt much since he was grown, he's either been in the service, working, or in school. He says his dad is getting too old to do more than day trips now, I feel bad about that...their nine day trips in the wilderness for elk hunting (a day in, setting up camp, hunting, then a day to come out) were very special times for them. They had solar showers, stashed their stuff up in trees (using pulleys), and were careful not to damage the grounds or surroundings. They always called it "Camp Hilton" because they were well prepared and stocked! And they ate good. Each man was responsible for two meals. I remember my son asking me to teach him two simple meals so he could do his part, he was just a teenager. These men would have never hunted on private property...they hunted on elk's terrain so the elk had the advantage, but they would start in August by getting to know the land and where the elk trekked. There was a lot to it and I was proud of both my son and (now ex) husband, they were excellent marksmen, my son even got an award for it in the service. He never had to shoot at a person though, so I'm glad it was used just for game. We never wasted the meat, we ate the heart, liver, etc. My ex even took his hand at tanning hides for a time. The antlers or racks were used to hang up coats, etc or for knife handles. We never stuffed a head or anything like that, although some of the more wealthy did. (Taxidermists are expensive!) My kids grew up on venison, 7% fat, or elk meat, 4% fat, it was much healthier than beef. I learned to fix it all kinds of ways, and also duck (not my favorite), grouse, quail. Game has been a mainstay of our diet for centuries, and much healthier as it's free-roam and lean. I'm still thinking in Oregon it was closer to age 12, I'm wondering if my son misunderstood my text, it seems like he started much younger than 16. I certainly understand people's aversion to hunting though, it really has a lot to do with your culture as to how you feel about it. The first time I saw a "Bambi" in the back of my dad's rig, with his tongue askew, I cried. But you learn it's meat and part of the cycle of things. Sometimes I think city folks don't realize an animal gave their life so they could eat. It teaches you to appreciate.

I couldn't find the answer on line so I texted my son (since he went thru Hunter Safety) and he said here in Oregon you have to be age 16 before you can get a license and tag. When I look at the website, it's ambiguous, I'm not sure why they aren't more forthcoming with the answers!

I'm sorry you experienced such a deep loss at such a young age and were unable to get help for it at the time, but I'm sure glad you have found help for yourself now. There is a reason we have grief support groups and bereavement counselors, it's not something easily traversed! When you are more at peace with it I'm sure your grades will make their way up again. At least you are on the right path!

Good for you!

I look at it this way: If I can survive this, I can survive anything! What could go wrong that wouldn't pale in comparison to what HAS already gone wrong?! Neither a con husband or lost jobs, or my mom having Dementia...none of that comes close to losing George.

Fae, That is WONDERFUL! That is a huge shift in thinking. I don't recall expecting negative although it sure seemed to work that way a lot of the time, lol! But I guess if we have a 50/50 chance of things working out or not, I'll hope for the positive result...if negative, it'll show itself as soon as I need to know. And I'm glad your trip to the doctor went well.

Jan, You could have your computer linked to his so the printer and scanner could be used from either. Just a thought. Mary, I hope I don't live to 109, I can't imagine hanging out here that long! I used to be involved in a soup kitchen, oh so long ago. And a Food Pantry, funny, I'd forgotten about that, the kids used to help me check exp. dates.

Mary, I hope you have a truly blessed day today. Someday if/when I retire and still have some life/energy left in me, I'd like to volunteer at an animal shelter and if that's too far too drive at that age, at least the Food Pantry. A Soup Kitchen would be good too. So if I ever have to leave my beautiful town that I love, I will try to not focus on my beloved nature being replaced with cement and high rises and instead look at what I can do. Phases...there's always phases in life. I have been blessed being here these past 36 years but there is more for me in life, just not sure what/when yet.

That amazes me, they don't allow that here. In fact, a "child" has to take a hunter's safety course before they can be eligible to hunt here...there's no license beforehand!

What is the name of your book? (If Marty doesn't mind...I know we aren't supposed to use the forum to promote things). Losing your sisters at such a young age must have been tremendously hard. It's good that you have learned so much through the process of the grief journey and are willing to let it be used for good. That reminds me of a Bible verse...Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 What I derive from this is that some of the purpose in our going through hard places is so that we can comfort others who also go through these things. At least it's something.

I don't think tears are a measurement of anything more than the depth of our love but even then we can mourn long after the tears have quit. In other words, don't measure how you're doing by tears or lack of them. Your grief journey will decide for itself how it will go and how long it will take. Try not to worry about it or try to achieve a certain way with it, just let it take you where it must and go with the flow. You've had a life long relationship with your parents, you will never stop missing them, but you will eventually learn to continue your life while they await you in heaven. It takes time, much time, and yet more of it. I know I hated it when people told me that (when my husband died) but it was true...I hated it because it was beyond my control to rush it. Patience is not my strongest virtue. Peace to you today, babben...

Shannon, I'm sorry I haven't been here, I've been sick for several days...still am. I think Anne's stmt. that you don't have to be or do, you can just come here and we're here for you, it's so true. I can imagine your heartbreak and, well words can't define what you're going through but I feel it... Try to just enjoy holding his hand as he allows. Know the beautiful relationship you've had isn't defined by life or death, knowing or not knowing, it just is and will always continue to be. I know it's hard seeing these changes, it seems unfathomable to have to adjust, but we do somehow adjust to what comes our way, it's survival's way. Hang in there and try to spend some time thinking wonderful memories, what you love most about Leo, what you love about yourself. You are so loyal and strong, yes strong, even if you don't feel it. That's strength's way...it's usually called upon us when we least feel it and don't know we're up to it. I hope today can be a day of quiet reflection and recharging. Thinking of you both...

Anne, I'm so glad you had that time with your daughter. And to hear affirmation from your adult child about what good parents you've been, that's icing on the cake! (Sorry, didn't mean to get you started thinking about chocolate...) It's good to know you have a daughter than knows how to talk to doctors. Someday that might come in handy!

I keep hoping that when I retire (when?) I'll get to finish reading my wonderful stash of books and maybe reread some of the others...please don't burst my bubble!

I'm sorry so many are sick. I've spent the last several days trying to sleep off one of the worst viruses I've ever been hit with. I hadn't been sick in years and now all of a sudden I'm hit with two knock-downs in a row? What's upsetting is that I was exposed to both of them by people who knew they were sick and didn't tell me. Wanted to go back to work today but no can do, will sleep today and try for tomorrow. Jan, I hear you...last night I was thinking how George and I would lay side by side, convalescing on the reclining love seat and whichever one was in the better shape would bring drinks, tylenol, kleenex, etc. to the other. I miss having him here when I'm sick. Sometimes I wonder, "George, where ARE you? Can you hear me?"

OMG, they'd never allow that here (lic. for baby)!