kayc

Anthony, good to hear from you, have been wondering about you (your absence).

I know, no matter how much time passes, the loss is still with us. Once someone has gotten into our hearts, it seems there they stay.

Shannon, I sure understand...but I'm also glad to hear you say you are not giving up. Gosh I can't count the time I felt that way. I know what you mean by it'd be easy to do. But we have to keep going. Try to remember Leo's humor, even if he isn't up to expressing it right now. I hope you were able to sleep last night...and can tonight. Let us know what you will get your transfusion, I don't understand why they're waiting.

Yes life feels very cruel sometimes, very unfair. I am sorry for what you are going through...we've all been there and know how tough it is. I understand your feeling like there is no future without him, your future is greatly altered, that is for sure. It helped me a lot to try and stay in the present and not think about the whole future looming out there, that was just too much to take on, even now, years later, I try not to go there. As pumkin said, it does help to get these emotions out and expressed, tears help. It also helps to take as good a care of yourself as you can...a healthy body helps one's state of mind as much as it possibly can. I hope you have someone nearby...a son or daughter, a friend, someone.

Wow, that is something. I think I would have gone and sat on the floor next to her and maybe even held her and cried with her, if she let me. It is not that people are unfeeling or uncaring, but that death makes them feel uncomfortable, awkward, they don't know what to say, what to do, how to handle it. And how can you if you haven't been there! Yes it was the grocery store, too, that was so hard for me after George died. That man loved to eat! We always got groceries together, it was, I swear, the highlight of his week! He grew up in a large family, hungry, and food just meant a lot to him. I loved cooking for him, he truly appreciated everything I fixed. I don't recall a thing he didn't like. Yes indeed, passing their favorite drink, their favorite food...it's just a hard thing. You're right, grief is not something you "get through" as if you're ever done with it. Perhaps that's why I'm still here...aside from wanting to pay it forward to others going through it, this is the group that truly "gets me", the group I am most at home with, can be myself with, can feel understood. Here no one will tell you "move on", "get over it", or the hundreds of other platitudes we've heard over the years.

It sounds like you had a good, if not long, day. I hope it was refreshing for you to be able to spend the day with Leo, and not taxing as you still have some healing to do. How are YOU doing physically? I like to think they can hear us...who knows but what the spirit world can do some things we can't. I talk to George all the time. It's funny, when he was alive, we talked about how we'd handle it if one of us died...yep, it's pretty much like that, I figured others would think us mad and haul us away, talking to ourselves like blithering idiots. Oh well, we have plenty of company, I guess most people DO talk to their deceased loved one. The one thing I hadn't figured on was getting remarried. But then I really had had no idea how I'd really feel...so lonely, desperate, scared...when a guy came along and sweet-talked me, I fell for it. How stupid was that! But then, looking back, I realize I wasn't in my normal frame of mind either, it was too soon, of all the people to do this, why me! But I've learned a lot from the whole thing, even my mistakes. And I know George would be the last to judge. He was always my biggest fan, cheering me on, encouraging me, understanding me, loving me. And I know he'd be proud of how I've handled so many things...and understanding of my mistakes. He'd be mad at John...John's actually lucky George can't reach him! John had better hope he goes to the lower place because he really wouldn't want to have to face George in heaven! Seriously, George would stand up for me and reassure me. And I miss him. Just like you do your mom. I never had a mom that was capable of love, so I don't know what that's like. But I got a wonderful husband, if only for a little while, before he had to leave. So many people never had what we did, I guess it's okay I only got him a little while, at least I had him. It's a whole lot more than someone who was married 50 years but never had the love that we did. Okay, I've rambled on now, sorry! You haven't been on here today so I hope you aren't too worn out and you're doing okay. I know this gets tough the closer you get to the anv. of your mom's death. I wonder why it's like that for us, the anv. of death is so hard for us. It's like how we're feeling gets amplified or something when really it's just another day. But figurative though it may be, it means something to us, and it does loom big.

Jn715, I am so sorry you lost your Dave, just six weeks ago. You are not alone, all of us miss our husbands and wish we could have them back, no matter how much time passes. I hope you will continue to come here and feel free to voice yourself, it helps to get it out instead of bottling it up and this is a safe place to be.

I agree, Mary, I don't like the term "moving on", it sounds like we could care less and we're leaving our loved one in the dust! Moving forward implies continuing on (the contrary wouldn't be good) and that we NEED to do! Yes, they'll always be part of us.

Come to think of it, I think you told me that once before and I'd forgotten...I apologize for my old brain! I understand and I think it's cool! The earth gives so much to us...

I'm so glad for you!

That looks like here in June...right now it's cold and windy, storming.

I know. (((Shannon)))

You and me both, Shannon, I wish I could have slept last night, have a storm coming and supposed to go to the eye doctor after work, can't wait to get home tonight. I hope the blood transfusion does it, you should see immediate results. I hope they get things figure out for Leo soon. You need some GOOD news! Keep us posted...

Jan, what is it that was special to you and Pete about this day? I never knew anyone to celebrate it, but anything that signifies Spring coming is good news to me! I hope the meditation helps...

I am so sorry you lost your baby, Dexter. I think what you did, by releasing him from his pain, was very selfless, how could you do any less? I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better, because our feelings don't always have bearing, sometimes they just "are". I know it's hard to adjust to a loss as deep as this one, and like Marty suggested, one day at a time...one hour at a time, or one minute at a time. I am glad you found this place and hope you will continue to come here and write. I hope eventually it will work for you to be able to go to a grief support group, specifically one for those who've lost pets, it helps to know you are not alone in what you are going through. My son's dog has a rectal tumor, and a slipped or missing disc. He's incontinent, and he also has a neurological problem in which he doesn't feel where his front paws are and he can't walk. My son made him a "walker" to put his front paws on, and walk with his back paws, but Skye isn't overly bright and isn't catching on very well. It'd be easier if it was his back paws instead of the front ones. They said the spinal problems would get him before the tumor would. He was given just months to live and that was a few months ago. He's getting worse. When the time comes, it's going to be very hard. He doesn't seem to be in pain, though, if he was, we'd have to let him go now rather than later. I know how hard this is for you, and I wish I could alleviate the pain you're going through. I totally understand your wanting to hold onto his ashes...it's something tangible of him and it's just natural. If/when the time comes you want to scatter his ashes, you'll know where/when. Until then, no harm in keeping his urn by your bedside.

My boss denied moving anything but promised to leave the new papers loose in the book for me to put in. I hate to be rigid, but gosh, I spent all day on this yesterday, no breaks and working at a fast pace!

Shannon, What Mary said is so true. I hope you slept well last night, and Leo too. Poor guy, I don't understand why some people have to go through so much. Big hugs!

Shannon, You can't fix anyone, no one can. We can only be responsible for ourselves and children/pets entrusted in our care, and even then in a limited fashion. Things happen in life to those that we love, that we can't stop. You can only do your best...and accept your best. I'm sorry you're suffering so. I wish you could have some peace and rest, so your body can know respite.

I love the "puppy on the baby" quote, that's cute! Mary, my dad was alcoholic too. He didn't abuse me except by neglect to stand up for me. (He let his friend molest me, right in front of him, and he just had another drink). He didn't stand up for us when my mom would beat us horrifically either. But I loved my dad, I just saw him as a weak man, albeit sweet. I don't know if my my dad's drinking drove my mom crazy or if my mom drove my dad to drink, probably the latter. No, actually, although they loved each other, it wasn't really a healthy match, both very dysfunctional enablers.

I hope you sleep well and stay in out of the cold...good night, Shannon!

Jan, I believe so too, I know George encourages me and bolsters me in the things I do. He always had such faith in me, I call upon it even now.

Thanks, Deborah, yes I do remember you losing your dog, it is so hard when it happens. I wish they could live as long as we do. Mary, so glad for your neighbor boy...and for the dog, sounds like a win-win!

My mom used to emphatically state that pets don't go to heaven. But you know what? I challenge anyone to come up with a scripture that states that! In facts, it says "the lion shall lay down with the lamb", so we DO know there are animals in heaven. I know God, I've known him for years! I can't imagine Him creating my pet dog Fluffy or any of the others and NOT having him there in heaven! It just would make no earthly sense. Why start over with brand new animals and NOT take the wonderful ones He's already created! (For that matter...it's easier for me to believe that these animals are making it more than some of the people I've known!) Please don't worry about it...trust your pets to be there when you get there.

Mary, how insightful you are...and I can tell you've been through it. Actually, everything you said, I did feel and have been through but don't really feel that way now, I'm okay with things. I used to resent God for giving me a mom like her and other people got great ones, but I don't feel that way any more. I have learned so much through my experiences that I wouldn't have learned had I not had them. If I'd had a different mom, I wouldn't be me, the me that I am now. I wouldn't have the same responses or know the same things or have the same degree of compassion for others. In other words, He knows what we need and what He has for us to learn and somehow I feel He chooses us to go on the path or journey He charts out for us, He has certain things in mind for us. This life has been so unpredictable (thank God I couldn't have predicted it!) and has it's phases, dips, and turns. But what a rich (if often painful) journey it has been! I have learned it's okay to love my imperfect mother, it's been okay to forgive her. It's okay to withhold judgment and leave that to the One that knows more than I do. It doesn't mean I've agreed with anything or liked it, it just means quite simply, I leave her to Him in His all knowing grace and mercy. To all the children (adult and otherwise) everywhere who have suffered at the hands of a mother, a father, a spouse, a sibling, a stranger, a friend...yes, we can release them and take with us what we learn through the journey.

Shannon, I am so glad you got some rest and felt up beat even if for just a little while. I am sorry also of Leo's having a bad day. With my mom's Dementia, she has bad days (months) and it would get me down and I finally had to determine not to let her ruin my day...that works for a while and then I'll have a struggle day. But I am learning in all of this, just as I am sure you are...it's hard to keep a balance and I imagine it's all the harder with your beloved husband. I hope you put you first in all of this as you need to get well, can't have you crashing! Leo does have people taking care of him, but there's just YOU taking care of YOU! Maybe start your visit saying "I can stay two hours" and then leave in two hours and try not to let the good or bad affect you. Gosh, Hon, I know that's hard! Prayers going up for you and Leo!