kayc

Wow. That is a heart wrenching poem that so aptly conveys what we all are feeling. One of the first purchases George and I made was a reclining loveseat. He wanted to snuggle, not sit separately, and when he was gone, well his side just seemed so empty. I hope my kids can keep in mind that when the day comes that my chair is empty, that I will be joyfully reunited with George, and it's not that they aren't important to me, they are, but they have lives of their own, as they were raised to, but George...he is my soul mate, and the only one I ever felt this with.

Stacy, It's good to hear how well you're doing. I'm sure you will enjoy Millie! I got my dog after my other one died, and he is a handful! He's a chewer and when I got him, he wasn't housebroke, he didn't appear to have ever been in a home. He was barely a year old...he chewed my couch, wall hangings, candles, books, 100 handmade cards, my favorite dress, countless shoes and slippers, his toys lasted an average of five minutes, regardless if I paid $5 for them or $20. He chewed my son's MP3 player, and some things that we never did discover what they had been! And you know what? It's all just stuff, the dog is irreplaceable. And now he is nearly four and my joy and companion. We walk twice a day and I play with him and he talks to me and cuddles with me, he has more personality than any animal I have ever seen! Do you have a picture of Millie? Congratulations on your film! You'll have to let us know about it when it's ready to air. Are you acting in it as well? I wish you didn't feel guilt because you don't deserve that, but emotions come to us unbidden sometimes and we just have to deal with them. I'm glad you've gotten some help, I'm sure that's played a big part in your recovery (I use that word in the sense of ongoing). Do continue to keep us posted!

It will get better but not likely your first year, it takes a long time to adjust to all of the changes in your life. My first Christmas without George was at the six month mark. I bought him a Christmas ornament like I always did and hung it on the tree. I hung his stocking (I still do) so we could put something in there about him, a favorite memory, anything. I still have our bears out...they are two bears joined together, and it sings "Walking in the winter wonderland." A friend had bought it for us, said it looked like us. George loved it so much he'd set it in the back seat of the car and when he picked guys up for work, they just had to put up with it. I still smile thinking about that...he was nuts about me and not afraid to show it. So the bears still have a prominent place in our household. I still put his ornaments on the tree...one is a fishing hat, just like his. Christmas hurts, it has a big gaping hole where they were. I hope someday they hold some joy again for me. Maybe when I have grandchildren? I don't think that all widows/widowers miss their spouse as much as we here do. Some weren't much to miss, some were crotchety, mean, abusive. We are the ones who were married to someone special that nothing replaces. And we are the ones that struggle and continue to miss them.

Mik, It's good that you asked for a week to start your job rather than just letting it go, as hard as it is to think of mundane things like work and bills, it's something we have to deal with, up to it or not. If you can compartmentalize, it would help a lot, that is go to work and force yourself to just think about work and then when you're off you can think about him and all you are dealing with. It's really tough, I had a hard time going to work when George died, his death was a shock, totally unexpected, but I had no choice, I needed money and thus my job, but they were all understanding. You'll be in my thoughts as you make your trip, I hope you can get your questions answered and that everyone is gracious.

I don't trust my mind to do the thinking anymore, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is on my google calendar and reminders pop up and tell me when to pay a bill or go somewhere, even when to take out the trash! If my computer or internet goes down, I'm done for. LOL When I broke my elbow it was so hard to vacuum and carry groceries in, etc. I would flop dogfood bags over into the trunk, kind of roll them (35 lbs). I used a wheelbarrow to get groceries from car to house...brought it right into the kitchen! I could lift the left handle with my left hand and use my useless right one just for light guiding...kind of tricky. Opening cans and Rx bottles was out, so was chopping, and at first I couldn't even drive (stick shift car). Honestly, I don't know how I got through it! You have had your elbow messed up for a very long time, I don't know how you're surviving, but ask for help whenever you can and let things go that don't have to be done. If you can eat takeout, do so, I hope you have an automatic car!

Mik, Where is your antique shop that you started? Is it six hours away from him as well? Perhaps you could work during the week and spend your weekends with him? Maybe you and the other partner could take turns being with him that way? I'm just suggesting, you've probably already thought of all possibilities at least a thousand times over. I don't suppose you could tell the job that your domestic partner has just been released to hospice care and you may need time off...let them decide if they want to work with you on it or not, I know, they probably won't, but you have nothing to lose to ask. Just don't forget in all of this to take care of yourself and meet your needs. Just know my thoughts and prayers are with you, and somehow you will get through this time, one day at a time, trust me, when my husband died suddenly, I had no idea how I would get through it all...it's 6 1/2 years later and I still wonder that, but somehow...I'm still here.

mik, I am so sorry for all you are going through, words are inadequate in this situation. Are you able to survive if you don't take the job? My job and this site was my lifesaver when my husband passed away. It's also important to have a means of support and if unemployment is cut off, how will you live? You mentioned you'd planned to work with him in his business, is that business still a viable option for you? I hate to bring up mundane details like subsistence but unfortunately, it will be all too real to you when you run out of money. Try to focus on the right now rather than the entire future...the future looms too big and can be overwhelming as you grasp to take it all in. You've been through one shock after another. You say he'll be in hospice rather than coming home, so he'll be at a care facility? At least you should be able to visit when you want, right? I'm sure it'll mean much to him that you're there. You might get more hits on this thread if you move it to "Loss of Spouse", not as many read this section, and really, that is what you are going through, you are losing your partner to death...most of them on that section already lost their partner, not all were married, but many were caregivers the last couple of years and understand what it is to go through grief ahead of time as well as afterwards. (You can contact the administrator to move it if you want to.)

Dwayne, A week from tomorrow you start school. I am impressed by your determination and I know it will see you through. I would be afraid to go back to school at my age after so many years when there's all of these young people that are so bright and raised on technology...but you seem fearless and I'm sure you'll run circles around them! I know you won't have much time after you start your classes, but I hope you can drop in now and then and keep us updated. We'll be rooting for you all the way! Kay

Melina, I don't see how you can NOT feel that way...I did too at first, and we weren't even married that long, but long enough for it to be a part of my every day existence and he was completely my world...I hadn't expected his death so no time for any adjusting ahead of time. Sometimes the phone would ring and I'd expect his voice to be on the other end, or I'd hear a noise and look up expecting to see him coming through the door. And even if I consciously told myself he was gone, it seemed surreal. I think your dream sounds like you're realizing that even he can't help you, that he's not coming back and it's beyond his control, that's why he didn't say anything, because he couldn't change it. Sometimes you hear us say it'll get better...it does in the sense that I don't go around crying any more, and I'm not in shock any longer and I realize it's just me here in charge of everything and I've pretty much gotten used to the fact I'm alone and it's not changing...but there's a part that never seems to change and I don't think it's improved with time, and that is the missing him...missing his holding me, missing talking over our day, missing the protective way he always tried to take care of me and truly cared about me, missing his zest for life and tremendous spark. That just never leaves, even my kids feel it, they wanted him around when they had kids, they knew he'd be a wonderful grandpa. That says a lot for a stepdad that enters their lives when they're aged 17 and 19! Most kids that age do not grow attached to their stepdads, but it just goes to show how wonderful he was with all of us. I think I miss his holding me the most...that's when I felt that all was right with the world, that's when I felt complete.

I'm sorry about your shoulder pain, Dwayne's right, the cold brings it back with a vengeance. My elbow didn't hurt for at least a month and now with the snow I can feel the pain in the same place I broke it...arthritis already! At least it's just once in a while, not constant. I'm continuing my gin and raisins, that's for sure!

chloie, I am sorry to hear about your dog. My son's dog has a lot of digestive problems (he's a purebread Husky) and can't have gluten among many other things. A child gave him one chocolate chip cookie last week and the dog was in so much distress afterwards and it took a few days for his system to calm down, meanwhile it always worries us as we never know what the outcome will be when something like this happens. My heart goes out to you in your loss, I am just so truly sorry. Kay

You've got it. And the Aspergers...Jim had that too, and there is so much information out there to help people understand how it affects someone and there are treatments available if one gets it. It's good that he was diagnosed so young when his parents can help him get treatment...many adults choose to be in denial instead of accepting it and getting treatment for it and that just makes their lives more difficult. My thoughts are with this couple and I pray he gets his heart transplant soon.

Dwayne, I'm so glad to hear your news and know that very soon you will be hitting the books and on your way to fulfilling your mission. In a way I envy you because you have a purpose...I'm not sure I do anymore.

blw, I can relate to what you've said...my mom is almost 90 and has dementia and mental illnesses and refuses to cooperate or let us help her, in the end we'll probably have to go to court to force her to get a complete evaluation, which is tough because none of us has any money and all of us are going through hard places...it's hard to muster the energy when you can't even seem to help yourself. I think you've reached the state where the shock wears off and reality hits and...it's tough. If it weren't for this place I might have gone nuts. When we're under so much stress it's really hard to think straight. I remember when my kids' dad and I were going through a divorce after 23 years of marriage, I had three accidents and a ticket within two months...why? Basically because my head was in a fog and I couldn't think straight...stress! Grief can put you there too. It will lift eventually, it clears somewhat, maybe not like it was "before" but better nonetheless. One thing I like about coming here is knowing I am not alone, I am not crazy, there are others going through the same things, and these are the effects of grief and loss.

Mary, I too can relate. As I've been out of work for nearly six months and time progresses without me landing a job that would enable me to keep my home, the day draws nearer when I realize I will eventually lose my home and the biggest concern I seem to have is what do I do with all of this stuff and will there be anyone to help me with any of it? For it is too much for me. There is a double garage with an attic above it that I have never been in (there is no stairs and I'm not up to going up there with a ladder...you can't stand up in it either) and things perched in the rafters...how do I get them down and what is up there? There is a house full of 34 years of family living. It's almost as if I want to pack up what I know I will use and hold a garage sale with the rest...anything left can go to Goodwill or the dump. But physically I can't do all of this by myself...I cannot take my bed apart, and it won't move without dismantlement. Is it ridiculous to worry about all of this? Probably. But at 4:00 am, that's what's on my mind. I can relate to your not caring what the step looks like and wanting someone else to just make a decision about it for once...we get tired of having to make all of the decisions about things that are, in the relative scheme of things, unimportant. I want someone else to order my life and act upon it...but that's not happening. I'm in charge of it all. That's part of the realization you get when you've lost your spouse... you who USED to be "in it together" now aren't...there's just you. And it's all on you, and you feel it. I too don't want to deal with tax planning or anything else. It's enough to shovel snow and stack wood and be the only one in charge of this place and all it entails. I try to consider what I need to do in the upcoming week and not look too far beyond that because it can seem overwhelming otherwise. As I cross laundry, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning kitchen, getting groceries, paying bills, getting wood in, making birthday cards, shoveling the snow, and fixing dinner off of my list, there is a feeling of satisfaction when everything is finally crossed of...only to have to make a new list as it now has to be done all over again. And so time continues ticking by, week by week, we age, but we don't notice the time going...are we getting any closer to joining our loved one? In between there are little things to look forward to, some of you have grandchildren you can enjoy seeing, or kids to get together with, there are activities we enjoy like music or crafts, volunteering, or spending time with a friend. Those are the things that seem to keep us going.

My father's legacy to me was a sense of humor. We, as a family, have suffered much heartache and tragedies. When I was 15 my sisters had a severe car accident that left one of them a quadriplegic with extremely damaged vocal chords and her three year old son dead. My parents adopted her 4 month old baby eventually. As we took care of Donna and helped her with her speech therapy and physical therapy, she didn't want to live, she'd scream, beg us to end her life. It was hard. Today it is 44 years later and she has learned to be content (it took a few years) and still has her keen mind and her wonderful sense of humor. She has developed paranoia since the accident, which is hard, but has taken it in stride. She has delusions of moving to TX to be with her son (the one who's dead) and we allow her this dream...what can it hurt? My father had a major heart attack, altering his life, so that he could no longer hunt and tromp around in the woods like he loved to do. He had no choice but to accept his altered life, but until the day he died, he was still joking about things. I love him for that. My younger sister had a baby born without a brain...it had just enough to keep it alive for almost two years, the part that controls reflexes like breathing, but not the part that has cognitive ability, no forming thoughts or thinking. She knew pain vs. comfort but that's about it. She didn't know her parents were her parents, she didn't understand anything about the world around her, but she was sweet in spirit. Some might think it sick, but my sister got her a Wizard of Oz T-shirt that read "If I only had a brain". I understood. It was my family's way of coping...with humor, the same way we had always gotten through life. Sure, some might think it sick, but when you're in that situation it doesn't really matter what others think, what matters is getting through the day the best you can, and my family had learned to do it with humor. I've heard it said, "Laugh, or go crazy". I've found there's something to that. Some things it's pretty hard to find any humor in, but with time, perhaps you can find something about it...although initially you might not be able to. Look at comedy...what they poke fun at in life. I was listening to a late show a couple of nights ago and I'll be darned if they didn't poke fun at the president's getting shot at...I wish I could remember what they said, but it was actually funny...they poked fun at a situation that you wouldn't think anyone could find humor in and I'll be danged if they didn't pull it off and do it well, amazing! That's what comedians do...they poke fun at life and it seems nothing is sacred to them, but they manage to keep us going. They laugh at our absurd situations, at calamity, at our dysfunctional families, and yes, even sometimes at death itself. They poke fun at our fears and our love, and having kids, and everything else in life! And yes, sometimes it's that very humor that helps us take life with a grain of salt. It's humor that lightens the weight of the load and keeps things in a more balanced perspective. It's humor that lessens the intensity of situations and makes it more bearable.

Mik, I encourage you to continue to come here and pour out your feelings, I will listen and care. I am sorry you are losing your partner. It is not the paper that makes a relationship, it is just the paper that says you can visit in the hospital, inherit, file taxes with, etc. The other person doesn't have the paper either and unless you're in a common-law state, it won't likely help her either to have been living with him. All will go to and be up to the family...you can consult legal advice in your state for specifics. Being in a relationship with him, I'm sure he'd want to hear from you. Right now everything needs to be put aside for thought of his comfort and care and hopefully his other partner will recognize that, esp. since she was okay with everything beforehand. I wish you the best in dealing with this very difficult situation. A lot of people say unthinking things when someone loses someone they loved, married or not, just because they haven't been there and don't understand. It's helped me to recognize that they mean well in the stupid things they say and let go of it, but I've also learned to stand up and voice myself in a strong but gracious way. I hope you can get some time with him and help take care of him soon. Keep us posted how you're doing... Kay

I'm so sorry you lost your constant companion and best friend...he's adorable, and I'm glad you had him as long as you did. He was lucky to be in a home where he was so cared about! I too lost my husband, 6 1/2 years ago, and after my dog passed away four years ago, I got a new one 3 1/2 years ago and he is the joy that keeps me going, my best friend and everything to me, so I understand how you feel about your beloved dog. I'm sorry, I hope the good memories will continue to bring a smile to you even though the ache is inside of your heart.

Again, you guys are so wonderful, you responses to Deborah and to all of us here, it's what keeps us going. Deborah, I feel a closeness with you, I understand how you're feeling and totally agree. Me, I tried to rebuild my life, it didn't work, and I am still where I was. I don't know what to do except I've accepted that things have changed and this is what I have now..."acceptance" does not equate with "like" or "agree with". My life will never be like it was, I know that. If I get grandchildren and get to retire someday, maybe that is something to look forward to but I don't know "retire to what" because I won't have any money and I'll still be alone, but at least I won't have to set my alarm and continue this wretched ratrace. I will be missing my home that George and I loved together because I won't be able to afford it. Lucky are the ones that get to live into their 80s and 90s together! But the loss for them has to be tremendous, so I guess there's just no getting around it. Today I'm having lunch with a friend and trying to clean house and get wood in before I go because it's supposed to snow tonight. I plan my days no more than a week or so at a time and just try to keep going. Call any time, my friend, I'm home most days except Sunday at church and Monday at my job. Kay

Queeniemary, It sounds like you had a good and productive visit with your friend. I wish I had someone to help me clean out my place, it weighs on me, 34 years of family living and stuff and some of it is too big for me to lift or reach (like what's in the attic above the garage, you need a ladder to get to it), and it's overwhelming. I'm also probably borderline hoarder, not like on t.v., but definitely am not a "throw awayer"! I guess it comes from having depression era parents that felt something could always be used for something and we shouldn't waste. It's hard to tackle projects like that without help. I did get rid of my treadmill though, that's a start! I also went through the stunning shock of losing my husband totally out of the blue, unexpected, and I think that's what really hit my brain, there was no time to get used to it, just shock! I really notice it with my brain, it just doesn't work like it used to. I want more than anything to retire but can't afford to. Things have changed in the job force so much, expectation is so tremendous and appreciation is zero.

Ken, yeah, it happens, and yes it's extremely insensitive, esp. so soon! I remember being invited to an old friend's place (I'd known him for 30 years) a few months after George died and he hit on me and I left there in tears and had an accident with a deer less than a mile down the road. I guess all I can say is he just viewed me as "available" now and since he'd never experienced loss (he'd never married) he had no clue what it was like. I would just tell these vamping women to back off, your wife JUST DIED! Tell them if you're ever interested YOU will let THEM know.

OH YEAH! We've experienced that! It's such a jolt to the brain when you experience a loss of this magnitude, and although it settles down some eventually, I don't think the brain is every entirely the same...at least for me it isn't. I'm 59 and it's been 6 1/2 years since George died and my focus is not what it once was, although it has improved some. It's still difficult for me to read and I was an avid reader before. I doubt it's old age...you're still relatively young!

Dave, I see it was six months ago you joined here, although I'm not sure of how long it's been since the actual loss, but six months, I've been told, is one of the hardest times because it's then that the shock wears off and reality sets in...it is like you say, seeming to get harder because the numbness is going. It does get better eventually, but it can take some time. For me, it seemed to be somewhat better in the third year because the memories of George, instead of causing me pain and tears, seemed to evoke happier smiles as I remembered him, and comfort at the thought of his love and the realization that I carry him around inside of me. That took time. I don't know if others have experienced that feeling or not.

Dwayne, it was good to hear from you...please keep us posted as to the final outcome when it is official! We're rooting for you!

Cris, I'm sorry to here about the loss of your grandbaby. I too have waited a long time to be a grandmother and still do not have any grandchildren and can understand your immense grief, not only for your grandbaby, but for what your daughter and her husband must be suffering. I lost three myself before I finally had my daughter and know how hard it is...all of the hopes and dreams going up in smoke. I pray she conceives again and it makes it all the way.