kayc

Gee, here they don't drive 15 feet away from cars, they stop within a foot! LOL...not as bad as NY though, ha! There they test their brakes out on each others' bumpers! Speaking of snow, I'm supposed to get some tonight and for the next few days...unlike some of you I dread it. It may be beautiful but I haven't gotten over the stress of the heavy winter snows last year yet...for me it represents shoveling and driving hazards. I love living in the mountains but to me, this is the down side of it. I do have to admit though, it's gorgeous. This is where I live!

Harry, You are an amazing writer...if they could only read what you've written here, it combines the need with the fact that these are real people, real situations, with real families left behind with the gaping holes in their hearts. It hits home and strikes the chord inside...the one that needs to be struck. I don't know if lethargy exists because people are on overload and can't handle one more thing, if when it becomes uncomfortable they hit an "off" switch, or what. But it's very disheartening when the government can be in "ignore" mode for 43 years! It's discouraging when after all of your efforts, the media does nothing to sound the herald! All you can do is keep trying in the hopes that someone, someday, who has the power to make a difference, will listen and carry the message where it needs to go. I feel the anguish as you hit the milestones and near the one year mark. These "11 months since" or "one year since" will forever be etched in our hearts and brains. I too have my milestones, and they come and go silently as others go on about their business, but my life is forever changed because of them. They remain huge, monumental, to me, but to others, the days pass unnoticed...amazing, isn't it!

Dave, I'm glad you are feeling some peace, even if it's intermittent! It's progress. Sometimes it's hard to see when we're in it, but if we look back where we've been...it's there. I'm glad to hear you didn't buy out the estate sales, I'd hate for us to have to do a rescue. [i've been watching Hoarders too much. ] Sun City, you must be in AZ? I lived there for a few months when I was young, Sun City was so pretty, I remember the beautiful sky, the sunsets...

LOH, It's good to hear an update from you. This has been like a family of sorts to me, absolutely wonderful caring people, so transparent and helpful! BTW, what is swagging? Good luck on your new job! And joining the emergency team, that is a great idea, it will keep you busy and focused on something and channel your energy into a positive direction. What will you be doing? The company I work for does Hazard Mitigation Plans and Emergency Preparedness for states, parishes, etc. We have an office in Oregon, Texas, and Louisiana. I am not involved in the planning, I am an Office Manager and Bookkeeper, but it's interesting. The anniversary brings up a lot of emotions, but it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it might be, I mostly looked at it as a feat, having survived the year of "firsts without", no easy task!

Mary, I wish I could wrap my arms around you and somehow bring you comfort and fill that void that is inside of you...but alas, we know there is no way to do that. Your speaking of the first snowfall reminds me of my George, for he loved everything about life and all of it's changing seasons...I remember our first winter together, and the first time it snowed...he ran outside and made "a snow angel". I have never seen a grown man do that! He always brought a smile to my face with his zest for life. I miss that. I am the realist in the relationship, the one that rained on the parade...I see snow and think about how hard it is to drive in and keep up with the shoveling...he saw snow and he saw the wonder and beauty of it all, sitting by the fire, watching the flakes come down. I miss my dreamer, my adventurer...

Dave, Re: "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"...for me that depends...if the relationship ended at will, for instance a breakup, I don't think that holds true for me. But to lose to death, that wasn't something the person wished on me. For myself, I definitely would not have wanted to have missed out on one second with George and I am so glad, that even though our years together were cut way too short, we lived what we did have to the fullest, loved each other completely, it was a beautiful relationship, exceptional, and I have no regrets. Can most married people boast that? Probably not. People, by nature, tend to take each other for granted...we never did, maybe because we were older and had already been through so much, we had a deep appreciation for each other. For me "The Dance" says it all, and I would not have missed the dance for anything in the world. If I had one wish it would be that he would still be here...I wouldn't wish that we had not met, never, not in a million years. Right now you're in so much pain and that pain is the price for having loved, but the pain will lessen and the memories never will. Your love will continue to stay with you and sustain you in the days ahead, long after his death...for me it didn't happen like that at first, it took at least a couple of years, at first there was just pain and fear and loss, and it's a tremendous thing to try and carry. It does get better. Last night I was with a widower friend of mine and we were talking about our spouses and their deaths, and the missing George was so penetrable I could feel it, I ached inside for him...and I know that will never go away until we're together again.

I am so sorry about your beloved Molly. My George cat lived to 19, it's hard when we've had them so long and then lose them. It's the daily routines with them that we miss so much, they're so unique and worm their way into our hearts. You are in my thoughts...

I can't download anything that big (we don't have high speed internet available here) but you are right, we are very lucky to live here. Overall, most people in the US regard widows/widowers with respect rather than as "damaged goods", we are fortunate to have have the support that we do.

Becky, I am glad you had a good time while you were away, but I am so sorry about all of the rash of dates emerging! I am thinking of you today as your beloved dog's birthday, and you'll continue to be in my thoughts on the 12th and 13th. June is like that for me...

Mary, I hope this course of treatment continues to be profitable. I had an injury to my forefinger a couple of years ago...it wasn't getting better, I couldn't grip or close it, and the circulation was bad, it'd turn blue if I tried to bend it. I tried everything that was suggested to no avail...finally, about a year later, my researcher librarian sister told me to try gin and golden raisins...you brine the raisins in the gin for a couple of weeks (a couple of months and it's more palatable) and take nine a day...I don't count, I just use an ice-tea spoonful. I showed marked improvement within two weeks and within a couple of months regained complete function of my finger and could completely close it a grasp! I swear by it, it's much better on the stomach than Ibuprofen. I talked to my doctor about it and he was just glad it worked...I googled it on line and found a lot of people swear by it but I don't know that they know WHY it works, it's enough for me that it does. I intend to take it the rest of my life, it's helpful on all of the "itises" arthritis, carpal tunnel, etc., it seems to keep inflammation at bay. Keep us posted with how you're doing...I can sympathize with you as I had to do PT exercises when I broke my right elbow (I'm right handed). When I thought I might need surgery I wasn't thrilled either at getting back to square one when I live alone and have no one to help take care of me. Let's just hope this does the trick and you will get better each day! I am thankful that in due time, my elbow finally healed and now I'm stacking wood and lifting like nothing ever happened. The good benefit from it is that now my left arm is stronger than it's ever been, being as I had to do everything left handed for over two months!

Alas, this is how it goes...we sound positive and upbeat one moment, and in tears and down the next...all a very integral part of grief. My thoughts are with you today and I hope you've been able to find a good way to get through it. It was weird when I went through the six month anv. of George's death, because it was also the one year mark on when he'd died...and his heart had restarted, when he'd had a car accident due to heart failure and the air bags gave the thrust to the chest that got it going again, allowing us to have six more months together. At the time we didn't know about his heart or what happened, he'd thought it was his Diabetes, but it was the heart surgeon that figured it out, too late, the night before he died. Six months...so much has happened, it's hard to process it all, but it is, after all, just a number, the day before and the day after are no different, it's just that numbers/dates trigger memories for us. I hope the rest of the day goes well for you and you know you are in our hearts and thoughts...

Dwayne, was that you and Pauline's monkey? pmlpup, I'm sure you're right. This is an age in which communication skills have greatly gone downhill. People say/text/email without forethought and as a result, we have really lost something in our society.

Deb, Thank you for sharing that with us! I always wanted to go to the Portland Art Museum...my ex used to live up there and when I'd go up there, I'd want to do things like that but he preferred biker bars and the such...don't ask me how we got together, we had nothing in common! I, too, love art, and enjoy that atmosphere. We have a art gallery in this town, tiny, but wonderful, and I've displayed my hand made cards there. They used to have something different happening on Friday or Saturday nights...maybe a reading, or someone making busts of torsos and painting them, or someone telling us about their work (art), or maybe a wine tasting. It was always fun to get together with others that appreciated art! I believe there is a creative side in each of us and it's important to get in touch with it and let those juices flow! Maybe when you retire you can take the time to try your hand at painting...you might be surprised at how good you are! My former fiance, Jim, was an artist...he graduated from an art college here in Oregon (it's now out of business, the owner died in a plane crash) and he owned "First Impressions" in Eugene for many years...he did the drag strip route, air brushing cars (that was before "wraps" did to the business what manufacturing did to hand craftsmanship), making signs, t-shirts, caps, you name it. He said every artist needed a venue, some way in which to earn a living, so they wouldn't be a "starving artist"...very few make a profitable living at the "fun expressive types of art". My sister displayed very artistic tendencies when she was young but she didn't want to be broke so she pursued a more stressful tedious line of work, squelching her artistic abilities and in the process, developing TMJ, hip problems, eye problems etc. I finally got her to try her hand at making cards just for the fun of it and for the first time in years and years, she's expressed her creativity, it's been a very good form of relaxation for her. It's not the end product that is as important as letting that part of you express itself. If you enjoy doing it and anyone enjoys the result at all, it's so worthwhile!

No you aren't being oversensitive. I've handled it by speaking up and saying something. I've learned to stand up and voice myself. Whether that's good or bad I don't know, but it's how I've dealt with unthinking people. They are out of line. You're asking the wrong person about socialization...I haven't figured out that part yet. I was part of a couple, and it was easy to socialize, but now...I'm just alone. Women view me as a threat and men hope for something more and I don't want to deal with it, so I tend to hole up in my home way too much. Maybe someday when I don't have to work (or look for work) I will have more time for making the effort to socialize more. I know I'm alone too much.

Dave, I can so relate to what you're saying. It took a lifetime to find my soul mate and then he up and dies just 6 1/2 years after we met, only 3 years 8 months after we got married! It's been almost 6 1/2 years since he passed away now and it seems so long ago, like a dream, that he was living here and we were enjoying life together. I miss him so much! But like you said, it seems surreal. It feels like a dream! Once in a while I ask myself, did this even happen? Did he really live, was he a part of my life? It seems like a lifetime ago since he was here. But yes, people remember him and talk about him and I have pictures of us. No, they will never be forgotten, everything will always be indelibly etched in our memories and our hearts, everything they said, how they were, everything we did together, none of it will be lost. It's hard to think about him too intently sometimes because the missing him is so great, I try to keep it at bay so I can handle it. There will never be another George for me. I think, having remarried (albeit briefly) and having had another relationship just exacerbated how special my relationship with George was and that another will never even come close to what we shared together...I'm glad that some find happiness and can move on, but I guess that wasn't in the cards for me. I'm back to square one, sitting out on the back patio in our porch swing, talking to him, like I've lost my mind. We talked about it when he was alive and laughingly said they'd have to haul the other one away...yeah, I can see that. Well, however brief our time was together, it exceeded all I ever could have hoped for or dreamed about, he was the one for me and nothing will ever change that.

Dwayne, please let us know as soon as you find out Monday. I will be working and may not be able to get on line until late Monday, but I will want to know...or drop me an email, I'll get that sooner. I'm sure there's a lot of widows who'd love to trade a meal for some handywork! It really helps to have someone who can do those things you can't.

Our emotions run rampant when we go through a trauma such as you have...I wouldn't try to figure them out or make sense of them because feelings don't always have a logical basis, they just are. It's good that you want to focus on healing and recognize your need for no contact, that it was just bringing you down and setting you back with each text, etc. Your dad may not be there physically when you meet the man that is to be "the one" but he will be with you nonetheless and who knows if he can see you on your wedding day, there is so much we don't know or understand about the hereafter. Accept whatever beliefs bring you comfort and peace, you're the one living this experience after all. I wish you the best...and don't be too quick to assume no one else will ever be as close to your family...you just haven't met him yet, but you will, hang on to that thought. Isn't it kind of exciting to know that you never know what day will be the day you will meet the man you've needed? It could be next month, next year, but eventually it will happen. My son has been waiting for the right girl to happen along and meanwhile has just been living his life to the fullest, he served his country, built a house, worked different places, had different adventures, enrolled in college, bought a home...and finally he met the girl he's been looking for all of his life. He's 27...there were times he felt discouraged, but he's gone about everything the right way and now he's finally getting his reward, she was everything he ever could have hoped or dreamed of, and perfect for him...and him for her. It happens. I'm so glad he didn't "settle" for the first cute one that laid eyes on him...in his heart of hearts, he knew what he wanted. In the months ahead, give thought to what you want in a partner...what is important to you? Honesty, character, a rock, a good sense of humor, someone fun, trustworthy, a person who'd make a good dad, someone who is a good provider...which of those things is high on the list and what is lower? Give thought to what you want and make note of it so you can see how the next one fits in with it...not a bad idea. You will grow stronger every day, you'll see. Take care of yourself!

Mary, I also have a male friend (widowed) that I spend some time with but only as friends, and it is NOT going to go anywhere except friendship. It is nice to have someone share a meal or watch a movie or give each other a ride, but no expectations, just friendship...to me, much preferable!

Mary, that is a great picture! Thank you for sharing it with us.

Ken, Wow, you have been through a lot! I hope you realize that when your wife spoke like that to you after her mom died, it was the grief that was talking, not her. Please try not to give it another thought. Interestingly enough, I watched a Dr. Phil show on the subject last night, and he told the wife "You handle your people" and the husband "you handle your people" and he told them if anyone was not supportive of their relationship or a negative to their marital relationship, they needed to distance themselves from them (including parents). It's something a lot of people don't see when they're in it, and esp. if that parent has been controlling of them all of their lives, they're used to it and afraid to stand up to them. I would say to make the house what feels comfortable to YOU, what brings comfort to YOU! After all, right now, it's about you...your wife and her mother are gone for now, and it's you that is living there, so it should be whatever brings you comfort. If you want to box things up and put them in the garage until your sister-in-law can come go through them, that's okay too. It may be hard for her to come right away as some people need time/space before they're up to that. As for the hoard, it's just stuff...if it's not a real personal item, what can it hurt to let it go? A person can't keep everything. I had the hardest time cleaning out my husband's trailer when he died because everything in there was HIM! He lived away during the work-week because of the distance to his job, so he stayed in a trailer and everything in there had been selected with him in mind, I can't begin to tell you how hard it was to clean that out. The other trailer we used for camping...I think I still have a couple of his shirts in there...it's hard for me to go in there (and it's six years later) because that was something we did together and enjoyed so much and it's gone now. I know I need to but it's just tough. Sometimes don't you wish there was someone else that could deal with it all? It's all fresh for you now, so the best advice I could give you is just be extra understanding and patient with yourself, you've had a huge blow, you need all of the gentleness you can get!

Pam (((hugs))) I've been there and felt the same way...but when we think it through, and we must, we have to ask ourselves, what would it be like for one of our kids to find us, or to get a call. How disruptive would it be to my son's (college) education to have to deal with the loss of his mom and still maintain a 4.0 GPA? Would my daughter feel guilty that she didn't contact me more often (or ever)? Do I want her to carry guilt around the rest of her life? No! I want her to continue to grow up and learn some things that she hasn't grasped yet. As for those unborn grandchildren, it would be awful for them if they never got to have their grandma in their lives...I know I don't have them yet, but I hope to someday. And my dog...who would love him and care for him like I do? Yes, my son would take him in and would even love him, but he's busy and has his own dog, would that be fair to them? As much as I would love to be with George, I have to think about those here and I don't want to put them through what I had to go through when I lost my husband. It is the worst thing in the world to go through and I don't want to inflict it on anyone I love. Yes, someday they will lose us and someday they will go through loss and pain just as we have, but I don't want it to be a day sooner than they have to. Being out of work and getting the door slammed in your face so many times, it leaves you feeling pretty worthless. I don't want to feel like a burden on society or my kids, I know I have a lot to offer, I wish I could convince them (potential employers) of that! But whatever happens, I have to stick it out and make the best of it. I have to believe there is something better in life than what there currently is. I have to believe there is hope just around the corner.

It sounds like your BF's breaking up with you triggered your feelings with the loss of your dad, stirring all that up again, plus the upcoming anv. of his death. Boys do tend to grow up slower than girls, and as he's only 23, you're probably right, he's probably just too immature to handle all of this. It's hard for you because no one asked you if YOU could handle it, it was just thrust at you. How would he feel if he lost one of HIS parents and you walked out on HIM because it was "just too stressful". How nice that he can walk away and have a nice life, biking, etc., while you are dealing with all of this burden and stress! If I were you I would feel pretty angry about that. You guys got together as teenagers, that's very young. Personally, I wouldn't find his treatment of you acceptable. It may be understandable given his age...but still not acceptable. When you have a life partner, you want someone who will stand by you through thick and thin, not one that will bail at the first upset in life. Eventually you may see that he has done you a favor by freeing you to be with someone (I know, that's the last thing on your mind right now, and that's as it should be) more suited for you, someone more deserving and dependable. But right now it doesn't FEEL like a favor, it just flat out hurts! I am so sorry you are going through this when you already have enough on your plate. You are doing the right thing by going no contact, that will give him a chance to miss you. I believe with time he may regret his actions but by that time you will have moved on and will have someone new in your life that will treat you well and you won't want him back. Believe me, all of this takes time. Anyone that loves and cares for someone can't just go off on a bike ride and forget the pain the other person is going through. It may seem this is backwards from the other posts here, but really it has more in common...it is a breakup due to the ravages and stresses of grief, of which you are one more victim, not that different than the rest of us, except you are going through the double whammy of having lost your father, helping your mother, and losing your BF on top of it. My heart goes out to you. You will undoubtedly have a myriad of emotions, up and down, back and forth, want him, don't want him, miss him, angry with him...all of that is to be expected! Feel free to vent or express your feelings here, you will be heard. For what it's worth, I care. (((hugs))) And it will get better, I promise you.

Pam, We understand...but the thing to remember is, what about your children and grandchildren...even those yet unborn? They may feel differently about losing you. I know, our kids have their own lives and seem independent, but mark my word, as little as we may hear from them, if they lost us, it would be the hardest thing in the world for them. It is one thing to go about living life on your own and quite another to KNOW you can't contact your mom no matter what! You will be needed here until the day you can no longer live, a choice we don't make, but fate or circumstance or whatever you want to call it beckons.

Ken, I am so sorry you lost your beautiful young wife. I wish life weren't so unfair! You ask if it's normal to want to be rid of her clothing because it reminds you of her and it hurts...everyone grieves differently and how they handle things are different. I would say, if that's how you feel, get rid of them, but not ALL of them. Tuck something away for yourself and something for your son (have him pick something)...maybe a bathrobe or favorite dress or shirt, something that seems intimately her...put it away in a back closet...you will know it is there and can visit it when you want to, maybe it'll be a while, but it'll be there when you need it. I wouldn't rid your place of everything of her, I'm afraid you might regret that and once it's done, it's done...but if you want to pack up some things and store them in the attic where you don't have to be hit with constant reminders, that's up to you. Of course you don't need everything, so it's fine to part with some things too if it helps you. It's what YOU feel comfortable with that's important, but just remember, once it's done, you can't change your mind or undo it. I have gone through period of putting pictures up, taking pictures down (right now they're up), it's whatever feels easiest to you...at times they seem a comfort, at times they're a painful reminder, it depends on what you're going through at the time. It is a tremendous comfort to have an afterlife belief and knowledge of where your loved one is...not everyone on here believes the same way and I can imagine it must be hard when you think life ends at death and there isn't a reunion. There are many here who belong to grief support groups, usually if you contact hospice they can direct you to one. There aren't any in my local vicinity so I never joined one although I did get grief counseling. My best help has been here on this site though, this place is like a wonderful family and we welcome you.

Deb, I can relate...it IS hard to find male friends. Unfortunately, many are "hopefuls", no matter what they tell you. You can agree on being friends but inwardly they are hoping for more, and that leads to problems. I would love nothing more than to have male friends who really are just that and don't mix it all up.