kayc

Sad, I understand. You wrote it in a witty way, but your message got across loud and clear, and we do understand. (((hugs))) Kay

Okay, I wrote the card...I spent an hour making it this morning, in between running off stray cats. It's 1,000 times better than the picture, I was pleased with how it turned out...I picked up on her taste in art from her office and designed accordingly.

I will check out your FB page...I want to congratulate you on your part! That is great! Understanding how much you're missing him, we've all lost that special person we love more than anything in the world, the hole is huge.

Thank you all so much! I was surprised to log in and find this! I have been around people constantly the last two days and the day before that my internet was down for 24 hours, so I haven't been on line lately. I did have a good birthday...my sisters and I get together once a month and take my quadriplegic sister out to do whatever she wants or needs to do. We took her five places, plus trips to the bathroom, each time, in and out of wheelchair/car, a LOT of work! My daughter handles the brunt of it but it takes us all to do our part to get her in/out safely. We were all quite exhausted by the end of the day! My little sister drove over three hours to come spend the night with me and it was wonderful to be with her...she hadn't visited me for nine years, and she's never come here without her family, so we had a wonderful time together...it went way too fast. We even had gorgeous weather today to enjoy the trails around here. Can't ask for more than that! You know, when I first lost George, my birthday was the pits. He had always made a huge deal of it and now he was gone. That first year after he died, no one remembered my birthday...family, friends, church...no one called, nothing. I cried myself to sleep. It was such a drastic change from when he was alive! Now it's not so bad, I've gotten more used to things and I have my family and friends here and on FB, I was amazed at how many well wishes I received.

Dave, It took courage and selflessness to put aside your own feelings and be there for Chris and his dad. It will mean much to them that you were there, they know that it is hard for you, and yet you did it. When we have to attend a funeral, especially the first few years, it's a huge trigger, just as going to the hospital can be. It was important for me to push through my own pain and just "do it" for those I love, and I'm glad I did.

I also spread George's ashes by a tree in our yard, a large stately fir. It is where we looked out on the back yard, the edge of the forest. Your "crown of leaves" looks beautiful on this sweet baby!

Debbie, Welcome to this site...it was my lifesaver and these people are wonderful. We've been where you are, I think most of us didn't want to go on when we lost our spouse. It's not that we didn't want to live, but we didn't see how we could under the circumstances. We wanted to be with the person we love. I believe we will be someday and that hope keeps me going. As Mary said, it does get better. If you read our beginning posts you would see we have been there. It does help to talk to someone and I'm so glad you found someone to talk with. Mary, I loved what you wrote, it was beautifully written, you are very articulate. Thank you for sharing with us. Kay

You're proceeding, Dwayne, it's going to happen!

Dave, That is wonderful news! Now, to give yourself some TLC...

Thanks you guys...she did email me finally and let me know she selected someone else. I'll work on making her a card tomorrow. I've had people around constantly the last two days...spent my birthday with my sisters and then my little sister spent the night. We wanted to go on a hike today to Lillian Falls but I heard a noise in the car that scared me so we turned around and headed back just two miles from the trailhead, we were nearly 30 miles out on a gravel road. Too bad, it was a beautiful day for it! We ended up walking the trails at Greenwaters Park, it is a beautiful park in a country setting, river, etc., so we still enjoyed ourselves. Maybe when I get a pickup we can try the falls again.

Allana, I agree, it would make all the difference in the world to have someone help you. Relatives, friends, neighbors, someone from church or his job, or anyone else you could think of. Maybe start by getting rid of whatever you don't want to take with you? Even just a box per day of "get rid of" and a box of stuff to take, label "kitchen" or wherever it's going to help you when you move. It's good to have you back here. Sometimes we don't feel very motivated but have to do things anyway, so doing a bit each day is easier than saving it all for at once. Congratulations on selling your house, that is a huge feat...here they are not selling at all.

Hi Jac, I'm sorry you're going through this. You might want to start your own thread here so people can find you easier. I had never heard of this either until I went through it...my ex broke up with me 14 months ago. I don't understand it any more now than I did then except at least now I know this is common as look at all of us here that have been through it. It isn't how I would handle loss, but apparently it's their way. I wish you didn't have to go through this, I know how much it hurts.

Well evidently I didn't get the job, it was to start today and I never heard back from her. I think I'll send her one of my hand made cards (she likes art and I picked up on her taste so I'll make it accordingly) just something like "It was nice meeting you. I understand your need to have someone who has more recent experience with Quickbooks Pro and wish you the best with the candidate you selected. If you are ever in need of office help again, I hope you'll consider me, I think it would be a great fit. All the best..." It seemed like it would be perfect, it was close to my other job, it was four days a week, paid better than my current job, and I could continue working my current job one day a week. Oh well, God knows better than I do, maybe it's a timing issue.

It would be challenging to make it through the beginning days but it's nothing I couldn't handle, I have a lot of experience behind me. I think my current job has hurt my confidence, I've never been shown appreciation or respect and I do a lot of the same thing, unlike previous jobs where I did a lot of different things and they appreciated me greatly. The one I'm interviewing for is part time so I'd try to get my current boss to let me continue there too so I could make ends meet. There was no mention of benefits so I'm hoping there's medical ins. once I get past the 90 probationary period.

That is true and we can go through more than one stage at once or go back and forth between them!

I have another job interview tomorrow at 11:00 am PST. I am nervous because they want someone with QBPro exp and I used the 2003 version but they have 2010 version and it's changed a lot, I currently use QBOE but it little resembles the Pro version. They want someone immediately that can step right into the job without their showing them anything...I don't know how realistic that is but if they get someone who has more recent Pro exp. they'll probably go with them even though I have done and can do everything the job requires. I'm VERY nervous! I'm also nervous because the snow level is dropping and I still don't have a truck. If I get a job, I will definitely need one right away. Those who pray, please pray for me that God will work out all details according to His will. This is one of the things that's hard about being widowed (or divorced), there is no spouse to fall back on in had times or to encourage you through things like this. Your support means everything to me! Kay

I read a while back that when we pet our animals it makes us feel good just like when we hold our babies, so it's no wonder we feel about them like they are our children. They are dependent on us and we have such a close relationship, it's natural we feel huge loss when we lose them. People who don't have or love animals can't begin to understand. (I have a sister who constantly tells me I should get rid of my dog, that he limits my options...to which I reply, my dog is my life, what do options matter if I lose my very life?!). As I learned when I lost my husband, the loss and grief continues but eventually we get better at coping with it so it seems to us it lessens, although we miss them just as keenly and it can hit us out of the blue at any given moment. I rarely cry over my husband now, it's been over six years, but I miss him just as much as I did the day he died. There is that "George shaped void" in my heart, just as there is with each of my special animals I've lost. Time will pass and the pain will not be as keenly felt, but they will continue to live on in your hearts as they did when they were alive.

Oh Dave, this is WONDERFUL news! I am so glad to hear it!

Deb, I'm glad you got a chance to write the letter and hope it brings you peace and comfort to know you've gotten your say. I STILL write to George, talk to him, etc. Okay, people can declare me legally insane if they want, but it's odd, we'd talked about this before he died (we hadn't known he was going to die, let alone so soon) and we both felt we'd do this, talk to the other when they were gone. Dwayne, You say they can hear us up to two hours after their death? I hope it's not that long because a friend's wife went into George's hospital room after he died and kissed him goodbye...she came out crying, that really bothered me and I was glad he was dead and didn't know it because he would have been greatly distressed to learn that his best friend's wife developed more feelings for him than she should have. I felt really weird about it, I didn't like it at all, and if not for the shock of his death I don't know how I might have responded. I've always felt that there is that "transition period" between this life and what comes because of the people who are clinically dead and brought back with paddles or something...they have recounted hearing us, etc. But I always thought it was just a short time...does anyone else know any information on this?

Dwayne, I know this must have been a disappointment to you. Sometimes when we're in the middle of something it's hard to see how/why is this happening like this? I felt that way losing my job and breaking my elbow. I look back now and think how in the world would I have kept up the grueling pace of commuting so far with a stick shift and working full time as well as keeping up at home? It was a blessing it occurred while I was only working one day/week and for anything else that comes up on my job, I telecommute from home. I hope this additional time before you start your schooling brings you extra strength. Once you start school, you will be very busy...I hope you can stop and smell the roses while you have the chance, it may be a long while before that opportunity presents again. You have been such an inspiration to us with your positive focus...

Pam, That was how I felt when I had two falls one week apart...I broke my nose, damaged my teeth (I just learned yesterday that my front tooth the canal cracked all the way across and I need a bridge or implant $3000-$4000), bruises and abrasions everywhere, seriously fat lip, broken right elbow, and pulled ligament/tendon. I was told I couldn't drive for at least a week (and of course my car is a stick shift) and oh by the way, get someone else to walk your 90 lb. dog that no one but you can handle. I couldn't even get my pants up and down, I couldn't open a Rx bottle, I couldn't open a can, couldn't chop food, lift a pan of water, take out the garbage or anything else. All I wanted was for George to come back. I knew if he was here, he would take care of me, but he's gone, I didn't know what I'd do. Somehow I survived it. I got someone to mow the lawn, I hauled groceries and garbage with the wheelbarrow, I walked the dog left handed and somehow he was amazingly good! I got my neighbor to open bottles/cans for me. I wore loose dresses that first week. I drove even when it hurt to because I had to get to work, but the first week I telecommuted. I figured out if I opened the drawer on my computer hutch, put a board on it, I could lower my mouse/pad, making it more comfortable for my arm, and even manage to ice it while I worked! My house still needs painted and I'm sure there's a lot of things around here that need attention, but I do what I can and try not to worry about the rest. I think the harder part isn't the physical things they did around the place for us, but that we are missing their arms around us, their telling us everything will be okay. At those times, I remind myself that George still loves me, he just isn't able to tell me right now, and I remember the things he would tell me if only he were here.

It's important to note, too, that not everyone goes through each and every stage, and not all in that order. It's good to keep in mind that if we do go through these stages, what is happening, and hopefully our loved ones will be aware and understand.

Melina, The first thing I want to do is give you a big hug, and I wish it could be in person instead of cyber. Us women are emotional creatures and sometimes our emotions are a challenge, especially when people push our button. Honestly, I wouldn't do anything right now...right now you're in the heat of the moment, give it some time and see how it goes. Usually if someone attacks me, I like to give it a little time and space and then deal with it, it gives emotions (theirs and mine) a chance to settle before we can effectively communicate. Most places have set hours and they expect you to be there between those hours even if you do get your job done. That makes it hard when you're grieving because you don't always get a good night's sleep. I've had times where I've been snowed in and the plows hadn't come and I COULDN'T go to work until they came by, so it's important to me to have a boss that's reasonable and understanding about what I can't control. Conversely, I have done my best to always be at work on time the rest of the time, even when no one else was and even if no one was there to see. I have been fortunate that I can telecommute, would that be a possibility for your job? That way you can get the work done regardless of what hours and they don't seem to notice if you're there at your desk at 8:00 sharp. It might help to talk to your boss and point out that your work is done, the clients like you, etc. It could be he doesn't understand what it's like to not get asleep until time to get up and then go perform a good job. Usually if you present something in a way that they can see it's a benefit to THEM they are more open to it. Maybe if you told him you want to work at optimum performance so you try to get enough sleep before coming in to do the job? Let him know he can count on you and you're willing to work outside of normal work hours when they need you...usually they're more willing to give and take if it works both ways. As for the neighbor, it helps to acknowledge someone else's concerns, listen to them...don't try to say anything other than, I'm sorry my dog disturbed you. When you've had time to get your emotions under control, see if you can brainstorm a way to appease everyone and then let the neighbor know of your plans. There's not a lot of control about a barking dog, it's not simple, usually you have to get in the dog's head to figure out what's going on with them in order to correct their behavior. Is there something different in the dog's life? Are you gone more than usual, is he getting less attention? My dog and my son's dog are not barkers, but I've had issues with chewing. I try to keep them happy by walking them on a regular basis, providing chew toys, and for my son's dog, I leave the radio on and the blinds up so they can look out the window, and I have a box of wadded up newspapers that he knows he has permission to shred (so he has a way of expressing his upset about something), no harm done, I clean it up when I get home and nothing's destroyed, it's worked for us. I had a neighbor get onto me one time about Skye howling at 7:00 am when I put him outside and went to work...it was when a neighbor's dog was in heat and they were dumb enough to let their dog run free, tormenting poor Skye. I told my neighbor if she wanted the howling to end, to talk to the neighbor that had the dog in heat and see if they could keep her in. That worked. There's almost always a reason for dog's behavior, it's just a process to find out what it is and how to handle it. I'm sorry you were greeted with an "attack"...some people don't seem to realize they can calmly discuss things instead of reacting out of anger. There is a guy at my job that has real anger issues. He would call up and yell at us...I responded by calming telling him I would be happy to discuss it when he was calmer, and then I'd hang up. Usually he'll call back in an hour and then have a discussion. I've instructed other employees to handle it the same way, it seems to have worked. No one needs or should stick around for abuse. I won't. If they want to talk to me, I'm happy to listen, but they must first calm down. Maybe this approach would work with your neighbor? We have to also demonstrate calmness and control when requiring it from them too. Good luck on both situations, I'm sure there's a solution outside of moving...the thing about moving is, you could get an even worse boss or neighbor, there's just no guarantees.

Jane, I'm hoping each day will get a little better...sometimes it hard to see progress when we're in it, it's only when we look back we can see any measure of improvement. Thinking of you today... (((hugs))) Kay

Dave, my thoughts are with you and will pray for your dad too. I'm so sorry, I don't know why things happen one on top of another, you've had enough to deal with. Let's hope the doctors can get this turned around...try really hrd not to project what happened to Mike to happen to your dad, it might have a different outcome, let's hope. Kay