kayc

I think you hit the nail on the head there...that's what I have surmised about Jim too. And you're right, we deserve better than a lousy text or Fed Ex delivery! It just goes to show they weren't deserving of us, we would never respond in this way to someone we love! You didn't have trust issues...He had fidelity issues! Your intuition told you something was amiss and you were wise to listen to your own inner red flags. NONE of us "handle it right" when we discover infidelity... what WOULD "right" be anyway in that instance? We aren't robots, we have feelings and to know that someone has betrayed you this way, it's very hard to handle. He's lucky you didn't handle it a whole lot worse, JMHO. It's funny how someone who does you wrong tries to turn the tables on you and somehow blame YOU for it! Don't buy into that, it only shows their character for what it truly is. You ignored the red flag of his laziness, thank God you didn't ignore the red flag of his infidelity. My advice...esteem yourself so high that you never settle for anyone who would value you for anything less than what you are, deserving of honesty, faithfulness, effort, devotion and utmost love. You're still young and you will meet and marry the right one and have children together...I know it feels like you got set back but actually, you've been liberated. It'll just take time for you to realize it, it's hard to see when you're in the throes of pain. The memories will haunt you for a time but they will become more infrequent as time goes by. Don't think of crying in equation to his deservedness, for one has nothing to do with the other, but think of it rather as a purging of your soul...you are releasing the pain. Unfortunately, heartbreak knows no gender, I think it hits men just as much as women...unfortunately there are a whole lot of us who have given our hearts to the wrong person...just a part of a learning experience, I guess. How can we know when they are untruthful? I will read the blog...

Thank you for sharing that. It was hard for me to watch, it touched my emotions so much. It's weird how this ache inside just goes on and on...

Cheryl, Wow, again,you said it like we have felt it...we can relate so well. And I love how you put it all, and your plans for tomorrow. And I love that you're going to write a letter from him (gee, when they die we can make them say anything we want!) and I love that you're going to buy flowers and get a pedicure (something I've never done). And most of all I love that you didn't commit suicide and and am so glad you're still here for your kids (they do need you). And I doubt you've scarred them for life, no more than any of us have. You will be in my thoughts tomorrow. Thanks you for sharing with us.

Very good response. The only thing I'd add is, instead of saying "I'd like to take you to the movies" maybe voice it as a question "Would you like to go to the movies with me?" in so doing you show respect for her choices/decisions. One of the things that happens to someone who loses a loved one is they feel their sense of power has been taken from them (no one asked them if they wanted to lose their loved one, it just happened) so anything they can do to restore that power is good. Their opinions need respected, any choices they make, etc. I hadn't seen the title to this before, but it's true, we can't predict what will happen, probably even she doesn't know, but not everyone breaks up their relationship when their parent dies, yet it does sometimes happen. Just be respectful and avail yourself to her and we'll see what happens.

I don't see you as excusing him as much as trying to understand his reasoning. Unfortunately, we can't get in their heads and figure out answers that even they may not have figured out yet. It's not that "she" had something you didn't, it's not personal against or to you, even though it feels that way, it is about HIM and what's going on with him, and yes, if I had to guess, I'd say his mom's death was something of a catalyst, but what I've never figured out is WHY, but as you can see here, there's enough people that have gone through this that tells me this is a common grief response. I just don't get it either. I lost my HUSBAND, my dear sweet love of my life and I never pushed anyone away! Go figure. But some people do that. I only know it's not you and I also know you didn't deserve it. My greatest hope for you is that you get through this, heal, and meet someone more deserving of you and go on to have that life you'd wanted, kids and all! It will likely happen, you know. Give yourself time to heal, focus on YOU, and it will get better, little by little. Try not to worry about the rest of your life, but try to stay in the present and just be concerned about today for now, for that is enough for you to deal with right now. You see, YOU are grieving right now, all of your hopes and dreams, everything. When Jim broke up with me, it affected my belief in myself to even be a good judge of character, to make a decision...after all, I'd banked my life on him and look how that had ended! It takes a while after being shaken up like that to restore our belief in our own judgment. Just remember, they not only fooled us, but others as well, so it's not even about our judgment, it's about something going on with them that had nothing to do with us but affects us. I know, I remember having to cancel the pastor, the honeymoon, everything. My wedding dress and shoes still sit unused in my closet. It was six months later that I sold his wedding ring (I gave him back all of his belongings but I'd bought his ring so I kept it)...the buyer received it on Valentine's Day for her husband, so I was glad someone got some use out of it that was more deserving of it. Someday I'll figure out what to do with the dress and shoes, for now I just don't want to look at them or deal with it. You're right, it hurts. I was the one that had to tell everyone that we'd broken up, I was the one going to church and everyone asking me, "Where's Jim?" and I'd have to tell them we're no longer together...I can't tell you how many times I erupted into tears or had to leave, it was hard. I got stuck with all of the hard stuff but it was his decision. I don't think I've ever completely forgiven him for all that. If I felt he owned responsibility for it or was sorry for what he'd done to me, it would help, but I don't see that from him. I see avoidance. I don't feel I can forgive him for leading me on all year (if he didn't then what was all the "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" about?). My religious views dictate I forgive him, and I know forgiveness is a process and I am trying, but it's one of the hardest things in the world...esp. when they aren't helping us out much with it. If they'd come to us and say, "Oh I am so sorry I hurt you" and EXPLAIN WTH was going through their heads, it might help, but that's not what we're getting...instead we're left to do all the hard work all by ourselves and it doesn't seem fair. They get off the hook and we get to deal with it. Make it pretty tough, doesn't it! It'll get better, you'll see, it takes time, oh God how I hate that phrase but it's true and I don't know any replacement for it...just time.

Cosmicpixie, I am amazed that yet another guy was so insensitive as to break up with their fiance at work first thing in the morning! Are they total idiots?! Talk about breaching etiquette, even the most basic common sense would tell you not to do that! I had to stay and work there all day and face a 50 mile commute home at the end of the day! My coworkers responded by asking me to leave (I was crying, understandably) so I went for a long lunch with a friend but then I came back and worked the rest of the day. What you feel echoes how I felt, but with you it had to be all the harder because of being together so much longer. Jim also started talking to an XGF before breaking up with me and it hurt me and he ignored my telling him how it made me feel (agreed with me but did it anyway). The betrayal is the worst. How they handled it was unacceptable. Death and grief are not good excuses. I did not get an explanation either. Nope, they're too chicken to level with us. Honestly, they aren't deserving of us and I suppose you could look at it like they did us a favor, although in a back-handed-slap kind of way. I feel like I got thrown overboard for Jim's roommate, Kelly (a guy), I don't understand that and since he won't be up front and honest with me, I am left to speculate and wonder but ultimately, none of it matters, in the end, WE are what matters, not whatever reasons they do or don't do things as they do. Your buying the shoes was a way of telling yourself that YOU matter and an important and valuable part of your healing process. Yes, you DO matter, you have looked out for everyone else, now let your mom and GFs nurture YOU and this will be your year of healing and strengthening YOU!

Marty, it has been six years, two months, and five days since my dear sweet George left me. This place was a godsend to me, it saved my life, seriously. I was shocked to the core when he died, not having expected it at all and thinking we had years left ahead of us. I was reeling and frantic and alone. This site became my family, my lifeline. It was here that I learned all that I have learned about how to deal with and do this grief journey...and it truly is a journey. It has a beginning but it seems to have no end. Just when you least expect it, when you think you have a handle on it, when you think you've adjusted as well as you can, out of the blue something throws you that takes you back to...that place where you had a life with that partner, that soul mate...and you are reminded once again, you are on your own. But still, I have processed, experienced, and pretty much adjusted all I can to this new life. It is because of what this place has been to me that I continue to come here. Each time I have had a hit in life, here are friends that help me through it...and I have wanted to be here here for everyone else. Each time I see a new name, someone else with their story to tell, another loss, my heart has gone out to them and I have wanted to wrap my arms around them and I have wanted to validate their feelings and responses and let them know all that they feel is normal and yes they will survive this, even when they doubt it. I have wanted to pay back some tiny measure of what I have been given here. If I am not paying back, if I am hindering instead, then my reason for being here is gone. I spoke with Dwayne today and he greatly encouraged me, because I was very distraught, and I needed someone to bounce my feelings off of. (Thank you, Dwayne, you're a good friend). I am very respectful of other people's beliefs and rights and will never tell anyone how to believe. I have tried to share my experience, something that others can't dispute, and I have tried to hear other people voice theirs, I have tried to encourage and give hope, never in my life have I cast stones at anyone, that just is not me. My choice of wording may leave something to be desired and I ask anyone on this site, if I ever offend you unintentionally, please bring it to my attention so I can make it right if I can. At least let's hear each other out so we can agree to disagree. We are here to help each other in our journeys regardless of belief or choices or anything else! We may have different views about where the spirit resides (and your view doesn't affect mine any more than mine affects yours), we may have different religious beliefs or other beliefs, we may live clear around the world from each other or have different political stances, but what matters is we have shared the commonality of loss of the most important person in the world to us and we all need comfort and encouragement and help with the tangible things (tax filing afterwards, dealing with family and friends who don't get it, how to handle life on your own after a life of being part of a couple, etc.). Those things remain regardless of any other differences. I love each and every person I have met here, whether new here or whether some I have traveled over six years with here. I don't see a single person that doesn't belong or who can't benefit from being here. I see this as the most NON-judgmental place I have encountered, I have always felt it was a very special site. One of the reasons for that is the leadership here from you, Marty...your beliefs, actions, your heart set the tone for this place, for that, I thank you.

Di, I am shocked that you would leave because I unwittingly offended you. Please read my reply to you in the other thread. I am sitting here crying because I never meant to hurt you or drive you away. If I am that offensive, it is I who should leave, not you. This was never my intent. I've apologized, I've explained myself, I don't know what more I can do, maybe I should take a break here.

I am sorry you felt I was "throwing a stone", that certainly wasn't my intent. I tried to state that (religion aside) this is my experience. I am not trying to change your beliefs, you're welcome to believe whatever you want, I was trying to say I didn't think it was incompatible to keep an open mind about what we don't know. I am very sorry I offended you, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. But I know what I know is true about my little niece Courtney and I don't think scientific theory could tell me any different, after all, I held her, I looked in her eyes and could know, feel, and sense her spirit. Since she didn't have a brain with cognitive ability, she had no thoughts, so obviously what I meant (spirit) did not come from there. That can't be disputed. I will leave you with your beliefs and my sincerest apologies. I was only trying to help and comfort you, I'm sorry I missed the mark so badly. Your comment about how you could prove medically and scientifically (that I am wrong) seems you are saying the very thing you are upset with me for but I don't take offense in that in the least, I leave you to form your beliefs just as you leave me to form mine. Can we not agree to disagree about the subject without offense or either of us leaving? As I see it, we are part of a family here and both belong. BTW, It is not my religious beliefs that spurred me to say what I did, not at all! It was purely my having been touched by little Courtney in my life. That is something that will always stay with me.

Shelley, I hope it helps you and brings you a measure of comfort to be in her final resting place. I wish my arms could reach out and hold you, I know this is hard.

Gosh, this person rates in there with my mom's empathy, ha! Unreal. The Bible says "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn." It also says there is a time for everything. In other words, be appropriate, be empathetic. Notice how Job's "friends" all hit him when he was down! They were jerks, not people you'd want around you in your darkest hour. Look how Jesus responded to people...when his friend died, he CRIED! That IS what is appropriate! Not "pretending". Not feigning some ill response. Good grief. I wouldn't know how to respond to the message you got, because whatever I'd have to say probably wouldn't help anything...so I'd probably just hit "delete". Grrr!

It seems to me that I've done nothing right since George died. In the end, all I've learned is that he is irreplaceable and my life is not and never will be the same without him and he was such an amazing man and the love of my life. I tried rebuilding my life and all I succeeded in doing was making a shambles of it...that it works for some is great, for me it did not. I hated being alone, so lonely, so scared, feeling so abandoned...but what I learned in the end is that it's okay to be alone and I will never be truly abandoned for George's love lives on inside of me and there never was a greater love than his...not for me anyway. I have learned that I look forward to the day we can be together again but in the meanwhile my life isn't just on hold, it exists, just in different form. There will be good times again (maybe grandchildren someday?) and there has been a lot of bad times (heartbreak, job losses, financial devastation, physical infirmities) and I've had to learn to go it alone. But I've also learned to reach out for help, something that's always been very hard for me (I'm an independent old cuss). I've learned there's different phases in life and it doesn't remain constant...we lose those we love, we lose our jobs, our physical abilities, our bodies, our money, and our minds. But the one thing we DON'T lose is the love we've shared whether death occurs or not. When you've had true love, it doesn't die, and that sustains me. I can still talk to George, whether he hears me or not. I still count on his love and it soothes me and brings me comfort in this crazy world where it seems there's nothing to count on. And I feel so blessed to have had him in my life. With him I know there is no judgment, only understanding, encouragement, and love.

Ahh but you're wrong there...the brain is separate from the spirit...I learned that when my little sister had a baby born without a brain. She had just a nubbin, enough to control reflexes but with NO COGNITIVE ABILITY WHATSOEVER. She did not have the ability to know her parents or form a thought. But she COULD experience comfort vs. pain. We all learned so much through Courtney, and through what we experienced with her short little life (she died just before she turned two) and one of the amazing things I learned was that our spirit resides someplace other than our brain! She definitely had a sweet spirit all her own, we were blessed to know her. It is something I cannot explain, and sometimes the things most real are considered "intangible". How many people have died and been "brought back to life" and have shared their experiences with us, later on describing conversations they overheard while they were officially "dead"! This has happened enough that it lends credibility to their testimonies. Sometimes we can't explain away all that is in life. Why is it we only want to pay recognition to that which we understand and can explain? Is it because of our desire to be in control? Sometimes we have to learn there are things beyond our control, beyond our ability to explain, beyond even our understanding and experience. Sometimes there's faith.

Although the advice "look at the good times and move on" is sound, it is not an easy thing to implement and not valid for this present moment. Right now in this moment you are and need to be grieving the loss of your relationship. Good gosh, what are people thinking, this was ten years you spent with this man, since you were a child, do they think you can just forget him overnight?! It's going to take time. I was only engaged to Jim for a year and it's been another year since he broke up with me, and even so, I don't know that I can say I'm entirely over it, although I'm certainly better than I was. You WILL make it through this, I want you to believe and know that, and when the days and nights are at their darkest, remember that, it'll help see you through. Know that it won't always feel this level of intensity that it does right now. The betrayal you feel will be the hardest part to get through, but what will help you is focusing on yourself, not him. What I learned that helped me was: • Keep busy! I cleaned and cleaned my house, until I was exhausted! • If you need help, get it...see a doctor, you may even need sleeping pills to help you sleep for a while until you're able to. (I commute so going without sleep could be dangerous) • Do not cyber-stalk him. Remove him as a friend from Facebook, do not look up his blogs, etc. Go completely dark on him...do not let him know how you are or anything else about you. It will drive him nuts because he will be curious, but do not satisfy your own curiosity about him...it will only prolong your grief/healing. Lest your friends be tempted to tell you tidbits about him, let them know up front that you do not want to know anything about him. This will help your healing process speed up. • Put memorabilia and gifts out of sight. I you are unable to deal with getting rid of them altogether, at least box them up and stick them in the garage or storage or somewhere you don't have to be constantly reminded. Take down any pictures, clean them out of your wallet, etc. • Change perfumes. Cook something he didn't like that you haven't had in a while. Enjoy doing things he didn't like doing, or anything you've put off because of him. • Don't give in to the temptation to isolate yourself. Look up old friends, even some you haven't seen in a while. Make some new ones. Join a new activity or club. Volunteer. Take a course, get out around people and be involved in interesting things. • Remove his phone number and email from your contact lists. Change your emergency contacts to someone else. • Cry and cry some more...it won't last forever but it's good to let it out. • Be very patient and understanding of yourself. You're going through a lot, be your own best friend, treat yourself well. Eat right, exercise, spend time around pets, it all helps contribute to a better frame of mind and when you're grieving, you need all of the help you can get! • Learn that it's okay to do things alone. You don't have to be in a relationship, you're valuable just YOU, separate and apart from a relationship. Practice going to a movie alone, going out to eat alone, fixing yourself a great meal, just because YOU are worth it! This isn't a contradiction to spending time with others...do both. Someday you will not feel one way or another about him...you will know then that you are over him...maybe not over what he did to you, but over HIM. What he did to you can have lasting consequences, cause you to be overly cautious about getting involved with someone else, cause you not to trust, to close yourself off, etc. Those things will have to be dealt with and might warrant the help of a counselor, but time enough for that...first things first, get through the grieving part first before even considering another relationship. It's never good to go directly from one relationship to another, it's best to give yourself time and space to get over the person, grieve your loss, figure out what you've learned from it, and are then ready to take the positive with you and ready to give more fully of yourself in the present. There are grief counselors too if you need help getting through this. Spend time around people who make you feel better about yourself and not worse. In other words, if you have a parent or sibling that is a negative in your life, now is not the time to immerse yourself around them...save that for a time when you are stronger inside.

It's definitely complicated, Wow, that is a lot to deal with! It's odd the attachments one has with an ex. When my fiance, Jim, and I were together, his mom took a turn for the worse and he started staying with her 24/7 to take care of her. His mom never wanted to meet me even though we were engaged for a year. I was not allowed over there, but his ex-wife was. I found that completely unacceptable, I wanted to be there for him and I understood he didn't have time for me, but come on, surely he could have let me bring him a meal (he missed some because he couldn't get away and his daughter flaked out on bringing him food)! Surely he could have let me spend an hour a week with him...he had two grown daughters who could have spelled him. But no, I was shut out completely and then he shocked me by breaking up with me via Fed Ex at my office! No explanation, just "sorry it didn't work out". ??? He'd told me once that if his ex was dying in the hospital, he would want to be there for her, I understand that, they were a family, they raised kids together, they were married 30 years...but still, he divorced her, she'd cheated on him, they were never close, could never carry on a meaningful conversation, and had nothing in common except for their children. I might add, in the 30 years they were married, his mom didn't like her. Go figure, any of it! Anyway, I hope you can have the patience to see this through, I think it'll be very rough for you meanwhile, but if you can hang in there, your husband just may feel deep love and gratitude for your patience and supportiveness...one can only hope.

It is quite understandable that you are glad they didn't make it...to be quite honest, "affairages" (relationships/marriages that started from affairs that broke up another relationship) don't have very good statistics of making it so they were pretty doomed to start with. The thing she should have realized but was so young she probably didn't, is that if someone isn't trustworthy with someone else, they won't be with you either. She clearly didn't know what she wanted, maybe just enjoyed the attentions coming her way, and that's a lesson to him...hopefully someday he can take that lesson with him that it's important to appreciate and stand by the stuff and not flake out on those who are most loyal to us.

Marty, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thank you for sharing your blog with us, your Beringer was adorable, and I know he's going to be waiting to greet you when that time comes. Maybe George will toss him a ball between now and then. As I told my cat, King George, when his time came..."You're going to a place where there's lots of bacon and chopped liver". I truly believe these wonderful souls will be in paradise, for if any deserve that, they do. I send my comfort to you, I wish I could ease the pain in your heart. Love, Kay

It sounds like it was a very profitable auction and all for a worthy cause! I'm glad it went so well and you can know you did your part.

Thank you for starting this thread, it is a wonderful one! The quote I remember, I do not know where it originated from but I read it here long ago, something to the effect of: The degree of pain we feel is in relationship to the degree of love we shared. It is a tribute to them and what they meant to us. Somehow that made me more able to endure the pain...

Cosmicpixie, It is the feelings of betrayal, the feelings of being lied to, that seem to be the hardest to deal with. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation...ten years is a very long time so your feelings are very understandable. I know he was foggy in his grief and slid into this relationship with the other girl, but the fact is, your relationship had a very weak spot...his lack of boundaries. He should have had adequate boundaries in place that guarded your relationship so this wouldn't happen. But he didn't. In my opinion, and please forgive me because I know you love him still, but in my opinion, he is undeserving of your love and devotion, for his should have equaled yours, he should have had deep appreciation for your being a solid rock to him. You are likely right in that his relationship with this other girl will be lacking...for one thing, it began as something illicit...she did not have the right to take up with him knowing he was committed to someone else...just as he did not have the right to break his vows to you. It will cause them problems in the future, but that is their's to deal with. For you, your goal would be to get over him, to move on with your life, to put the pieces back together and create something wonderful of your life...right now that seems easier said than done, 3 1/2 weeks isn't very long although it probably seems like a lifetime already, it will take you much more time to get over him, but you will. Let your sense of indignation at what he did to you surface long enough to fuel your determination to create something positive for yourself through this experience. Between now and the time you can reach that goal...please come here...vent, cry, get angry, heal, all of it, for all is needed. You may want to copy and paste your story into your own thread, one where we can come and respond to you...or better yet, have a moderator move it to a new thread all your own, that and my response, so we don't hijack this one, okay? Good luck to you, and lots of (((hugs)))!

G, It is perfectly fine for you to post here or in loss of spouse section, whichever you feel more comfortable with. Loss of spouse section might get more hits and would warrant response from those who have the experience in life to respond to you, so you might want a moderator to move this to that section, but it's entirely up to you. I am sorry for all of the turmoil you find yourself in...and for what your wife is going through. You said so much, and I'd like to attempt to adequately address it, because each and every thing is important and deserves good response. As you ascertained, your wife undoubtedly has guilt for how your relationship started and for having left her husband...never mind that she had valid reasons for her feeling as she did when she made those decisions. Death is an odd thing...people often turn the late person, be it a husband, a parent, a friend, or even an ex...into a saint. The trouble with that is, as you well know, you can't compete with a saint...personally, I wouldn't even try to. That DOESN'T mean you give up on your relationship, but rather you allow her all of her feelings and continue to be the person she wanted and needed and loved so long ago. This is going to take concerted effort and patience and understanding on your part, are you up to the task? The fact that she has been a good stepmom to your children and a good mom to your four year old gives plenty of good reason for making every effort to make your marriage the best it can be...that and all of the years you have invested in the relationship to date. I'm sure you're already figured out that having a retribution affair does not solve anything, but rather throws more kinks into the equation and makes it all the more difficult to progress in your relationship. It'd be good to reassure her of your love for her and her value to you...renew your commitment to her in a way that she can understand it. Right now her brain is probably all fogged up...it gets that way while grieving. She may have divorced him years ago, but she is grieving the husband (however fatherly he may have been) she left all those years ago. In each person resides good, strength, and weaknesses. It is the good and the strength she is remembering and grieving right now...it is the weaknesses she focused on when she left him. One might think if one has an ex that you could just skip the whole grieving thing, but that's not how it works...it has to be processed in order to be dealt with and there's no way around it, no way to circumvent it but to go straight through it...shoving it or burying it doesn't work. She may need a grief counselor to help her work through it. I can assure you that the way exists for her to get through this and your marriage to not only remain intact but for the two of you to grow closer through this experience. What she is experiencing is often referred to as "complicated grief" and can be more difficult to work through. Please don't be daunted by this but present yourself up to the task of being supportive of her. She is not responsible for her feelings and likely doesn't know how to deal with them...a grief counselor can help her through this, I highly recommend her getting one as soon as possible. You may also want to seek counseling to help guide you through the seemingly murky waters of being a supportive mate in a complicated situation. Please don't give up, this can be gotten through. All of your feelings are every bit as valid as your wife's. It's understandable...we all want to be loved as if we are the only one that exists...some people have that, but the fact is, most of us have a past, a past life with others, exes, etc. and memories and triggers to deal with. The important thing to remember is not to let those memories and triggers and another life and another time rob us from what we currently have and can appreciate in our PRESENT LIFE. Would it be possible for her to come to this site and post her story and enlist help? There's a lot of people here with experience dealing with grief. Right now probably isn't the time to bring up her disappointments to you, but there's a time and a place for everything. Perhaps try to focus on one thing at a time and stay in the here and now rather than letting things build up one on top of another until it's too much for her or you to deal with. Try to stick to the issue at hand and get through that and when it's the right time, the other things can be dealt with. JMHO Blending families is always a challenge even under the best of circumstances. She undoubtedly cares for your older children very much and would like to BE their mom. It's easy to have insecurity in that situation. The focus should be on the children and what is good for them, not whose children they are or what credit is due the parent/s. Ahh, that is a lesson that can take a while to learn. It helps for EACH parent/stepparent to view themselves in a supportive role to the children...not one of ownership. They ARE separate entities, separate and apart from their parents, and that will be more prevalent as they develop and mature. Please feel free to come back here any time, it is good to express your feelings for you need to be heard and your feelings need to be recognized as valid and legitimate concerns. My best to you...

I'm sorry for your pain. I can't relate to losing parents in the same way as my dad was alcoholic and has been gone nearly 30 years and my mom is very mentally ill and cruel so I've never had a normal relationship with a parent. I have, however, lost my dear sweet husband and I know that loss so well...it is never ending and anything can trigger that feeling you describe and often at the most unexpected moments. All we can do is acknowledge the loss and hold on to the good in the memory and work through our pain. I wish we never had to be without our loved ones, it's the greatest void we can experience.

It sounds very intense but good. Art in itself can be wonderful therapy, I got a therapist for my daughter once that specialized in art therapy (my daughter loves art). It can be a very good way to express ourselves and be in touch with ourselves and combined with psychology, very effective. Good luck to you!

Miri, You are going through the same thing the rest of us did and you have to consider that you haven't been at it as long...for me it's been over a year and my response is not the same now as it was ten months ago or a year ago. It hurts like the dickens and the only cure is time, something which we can't rush. Try to be patient and understanding of yourself and know that you are right where you should be in your grief journey...yes, I say grief journey, for you are grieving too, not just him. Their responses, to break off contact with the person most supportive and loving of them makes no sense to any of us, and yet it seems to be a common grief response. I wish I could explain it but I can't. It is the one thing I wanted so I could accept it, but never got...an explanation as to how/why they could do this to us. I never got that. But I did, after a few months, get contact with him again, and at first it was very painful because I had to accept our new relationship was changed, different, and instead of loving me and calling me his cutie pie, I was more like an acquaintance, just someone he talked on the phone with now and then. It was when I realized that, that I had to close my heart off to the hope of ever being back together again, for my own good, because it wasn't happening and I had to accept reality and protect myself. It's very hard to do and it was that night that I shed buckets of tears... but not again.