Weird few weeks

[rdownes]

Hello I am sorry if what I post rambles on or offends any one, if any of it is not appreciate please remove Marty some of it pertains to the "taboo" subject I just must speak from my heart. It has been a hard and confusing few weeks with Christmas coming I am feeling more empty,lost, lonely and sad, I am not used to not being happy about Christmas I always loved the holiday ( Kevin was never fond of any holidays) it is a strange feeling I feel no joy or happiness, anyways I have been having a hard time dealing with a new aspect of Kevin being gone almost 7 months " the sexual urges"  do I love and miss Kevin yes with all my heart and soul can I realistically in my heart be with someone else right now my answer is no but a few weeks ago I posted on Craigslist looking for Christmas help for my son I have no money for gifts, I received tons of emails from men offering this for that I didn't pay much attention to them accept one we emailed back and forth he seemed really nice he paid some money for my rent he claimed to care about me I honestly was tempted to meat him just to make the urges go away not for any other reason I know what that makes me sound like but it is do hard I am only 46 before Kevin passed I felt in my peak, I hate feeling this way I don't know how to make it go away it is not even an intimacy issue I just am missing it this is to hard and confusing , I don't want another love I have my soulmate but he can't take away the hunger anymore.

[enna]

Oh, Robin, what you are feeling is very normal. This is not a "taboo" subject at all. We are human and it is natural to miss the intimacy we had with our spouses. We all handle grief in our own way and however we handle it is neither right or wrong as long as we do not hurt another person. 

Please be careful to not do anything that would go against what is in your heart. Urges and feelings pass. Do something that will make you feel good. Get a massage, buy a big pillow and hug it, or run. Nothing will replace the love you had with Kevin but some of these things can make you feel better. (((hugs)))

[kayc]

Robin,

I don't consider this a taboo subject at all, it's something we've all grappled with to some extent or another and everyone handles it differently.  If you do meet someone kind and enjoyable, and want to pursue it, there's nothing wrong with that!  Just go slow, you are vulnerable and may not know your mind as well as you think.  It might be something to run by your grief counselor, just for an unbiased perspective, they might think of some considerations.

[Margm]

May be a "taboo" subject, but one that nearly everyone has.  When I used to read "Dear Abbey" (or whatever her name was), she, or her sister, would post that we all have thoughts that might embarrass us being in print, but everyone has those thoughts.  Everyone.

I will go to another book I recently read.  And, yes I do sit around looking for books from widows and widowers.  It is like going to a counselor who has never even lost a pet, you want to go to one that has experienced the problem we seek help for.  We want their opinion.  We might not follow it, but we are looking for guidance and whether we take it or not is up to us.

Shirley Jones was married to Jack Cassidy for about 18-20 years.  Jack had just asked Shirley to go back with him, she turned him down, and he went to sleep with a cigarette in his hand and his house burned.  So did he.  She was noted to say in her book "Shirley Jones, a Memoir" that she would love him until she died and her then husband Marty Ingles, he knew it.  She was married to Marty for about 38 years when he had a stroke and died last year.  In her book she tells widows (about sex) to take things "in their own hands."  She had the last part of her book written about this.  She is now 82, and this book was published when she was 79, so I guess she was saying that women have urges the same as men do.  I will say I have become much more of a prude at my age than I was 30 years ago.  I doubt that she meant for the old women to hang out on street corners or pick up someone at a bar, and Shirley told it in plain English what to do to take care of your urges.  I'm sure this "secret" was not a lost art, or a surprise either.  

You are young enough that you still have a lot of living to do.  Do not be ashamed of your urges, like the girls up above told you.  Unless you decide to be a nun and go live in a nunnery, or whatever it is called, in plain language, you learn how to handle things yourself.  You are young enough you might develop feelings again with someone.  I think very many on here have been married more than once.  Many of my friends have been married multiple times.  One of my best friends was married five times.  She was a widow with a child when she was 17.  I think the last husband, who ran off with their marriage counselor, was her last husband.  Her son, a grown man with children of his own told her "Mama, you don't seem to have much luck with men, have you thought you might like women."  No, this gal just liked the men.  

And now I will put the shocker on here.  If you are not looking for romance, you won't develop romantic feelings to a battery operated object.  Maybe I should not have said that.   

ADDENDUM:  I particularly like in the article Marty  posted:  Of course, since the subject is sex, if is not often explored or written about and I approach it with fear and trembling that is only offset by my desire to make some folks feel normal and alleviate some guilt.

ADDENDUM TO ADDENDUM:  Recently on an old TV show about the 1970's the teenager son walked in on his parents in their bedroom.  They did not notice it, but in talking to his friends they all were freaked out that parents did such things.  I think the word was "disgusted" really.  Billy would always tease me about sex even around the grown grandchildren.  I just ignored him.  His sense of humor sometimes did embarrass me around others.  I would just say "He is all talk".  What goes on behind closed doors is our own business, it is natural, but the door is closed for a reason.  

[MartyT]

Robin, my dear, having sexual urges following the death of a spouse is entirely natural and normal, and this most certainly is a topic worthy of discussion here ~ not taboo at all.

Here's another writer's take on the topic: Grief and Sexuality

See also The Subject That No One .....

[littlebro]

Robin,

Even though I'm a man, I totally agree with what the ladies here have said to you; This should never be considered a Taboo topic, as I feel it's a perfectly normal thing, for both men and women to feel!

And I don't think there's anything wrong, with men and women taking care of their own sexual needs and urges, by themselves, either!

The only thing I would advise, is, just like the ladies have said: Don't rush into anything, involving another man; no matter how kind and genuine they appear to be!! Because, sadly, most of us men are sex-driven, and are usually out to get that: and only that! If you know what I mean!! And the last thing you need is to be either heartbroken, or caught up in a relationship or situation that only complicates your life, and which you really probably don't need: Especially at this stage, when you're still grieving!!

 

Anyway, I hope this helps, at least a little bit?!

Kindest Regards, always,

littlebro

xo

 

[KATPILOT]

Good points littlebro.  Robin just be careful of your heart. It's taken enough of a blow already and being widowed brings a new and strange dynamic to relationships with other people. Things become complicated when we get close to another person. We are already suffering in our grief and it becomes even worse when we allow other people to change our direction. Be careful with yourself and keep your eyes open. Craigslist is fine but bad people can be lurking there. Always meet in a very public place and give no information out about where you live until such time that you feel safe. 

Be aware that that hunger you speak of was satisfied by someone you were in love with and he was in love with you. Once you have known sex and love together it may seem somewhat empty with only one part of that equation.

[rdownes]

Thank you all so much have hard really good suggestions and it is nice to know that what I thought was taboo is an ok subject to bring up that others have//are going through I will just have to learn how to get past these urges like everything else in grief none of it is easy and it will always be a struggle I know deep down in my heart I am chose that only Kevin will have my heart and soul so I must say Marg I like your "battery operated" idea. Thank you all so much hugs to all

[Gwenivere]

Definitely not a taboo subject as we live in the human form.  How could we not miss that most primal of connections?  Hugs from our friends or family are one thing, but that most intimate sharing that comes from feelings and desires not dictated by social decorum are quite different.  My mind has travelled there at times when the grief and horrid memories that stole the man who made me feel that way by a mere look remind me of that unique longing that was not planned and controlled.  We don't have sex purely to procreate.  It can be an act of pure physical release, but when it is shared in love it becomes something I don't see how we can go back to as a casual thing.  I've had one man ask me out several times knowing how he feels and will not do so because I don't even want to have the awkward discussion about companionship vs. intimacy as I do not feel that way at all for him.  I can't honestly say how what I would do if I did feel that way about someone because it has not happened.  I agree with what so many have already said.  To be careful as we are vulnerable in mourning and so very lonely.   There are so many voids to fill, but I feel we must be careful how we do it.  I'm not saying all who express interest in us are con artists, but we may not be ready or able to distinguish our true needs from ways to escape pain we have not processed enough yet.  We might just add more on top if we add more emotions to an already swirling mix of cacophony.  

[kayc]

And as Steve said, "Guard your heart", keep in mind that it's easier said than done when you're vulnerable.