First Christmas Blues

[rdownes]

Well it is now Christmas first one without Kevin and I feel like just curling up in a ball and just sleeping the day away I know there are a few of us going through this first, not that it is any easier on those who have already been down the first road I know we all miss them, love them wish they were here other than in spirit I was doing good until it turned Christmas then it sank in no one to wrap presents with no one to have our time with, the house is not going to smell like his amazing dinner all day (he was Italian so we always had an Italian Christmas meal) he won't see his grandbabies open there gifts I hate this new life I didn't ask for I hate being robbed of my soulmate I keep on going but sometimes just feel like why it hurts to keep on going, I hate that drugs and addiction ruined my family took a son,father, soulmate I should be feeling Merry this time of year not this hate, OK maybe hate is a strong word but that is how it feels, to everyone my heart goes out to you today I hope everyone is able to find something to bring them some comfort today.

[mik]

This is my first Christmas without LC too.  He was alive last year even though he was in the coma like state I still had him here on earth and I was beside him.  It is so hard remembering the times we spent together during the holidays.  I see my family and extended members.  We all get together Christmas eve. Then everyone heads home with their wife or husband or significant other...and here I am, I head home alone. Made even more lonely by the fact that Its Christmas, and everyone is celebrating, All seem so happy and all I can do is miss LC with all my heart.  And then next week will be New Years eve...wow, how much can a person take?  I hope you have somehow found comfort today. Please dont take this wrong but knowing that I am not the only one suffering somehow makes it a little more bearable.  I am sorry for your loss.

[KATPILOT]

Here's to all of us who share a pain this day. May the flame of their love never go out.

Merry Christmas

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

This story came to me over the Internet one day.  I've since learned that it was taken from a piece originally written by Bob Perks, and it is reprinted here with his permission.  I hope it touches your heart as it does my own:

Recently, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together [at a regional airport.] 

They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."  She in turn said, 

"Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy." 

They kissed and she left.  He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied.  Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me.  

Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me.

So I knew what this man was experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying good-bye," I asked, "I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."  He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more.  "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory:

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

"I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

"I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

"I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

"I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

"I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

"I wish you enough 'Hello's' to get you through the final 'Goodbye'."

He then began to sob and walked away.

Dear Ones, this is my holiday wish for you: 

Whatever is beautiful, whatever is meaningful, whatever brings you peace, may it be yours this Holiday Season ~ and may it be enough to sustain you throughout the New Year.

Wishing you peace and healing,
Marty

You may be interested to learn that Bob's beautiful story has been expanded into a book by the same title.  You can read Amazon's description and reviews here: I Wish You Enough: Embracing Life's Most Valuable Moments, One Wish at a Time
 

[KATPILOT]

How beautiful.

Merry Christmas Marty and thank you for helping me have enough over the last year.

Steve

 

[Marie Lee]

Thanks Marty....I am joining in and saying...I love this saying.  And will adopt it moving forward...

 

 Tks for your continued support....and loving words.

 

Wishing everyone enough....

Marie

[Marie Lee]

Robin, Kim...It's my first Christmas too..hugs to all...

I have cried a great deal....had some family time...shared my feelings and have been told not to , lol....I am trying not to let the negative words sting...understanding that there is a time and season for all...

 

That being said ...I feel this is my time to weep.

Period.

 

 ( In my mind I say, So, moving on now, lol....

I just shake my head to myself and do my best to keep on this journey. Striving for the balance....of living, experiencing and loving...)

 

Much love, Marie

[Gwenivere]

R and MLK, I'm so sorry we all have to face so many 201sts as there is no preparing for them.

This wasn't my 1st Christmas without my Steve, but it felt like torture to have to do it again for the 3rd time.  I decided that trying to act like it was any different than what it was would be futile.  Can't erase decades of memories.  I tried combining old traditions with new actions because I am alone now.  Truly alone as we had no kids and the family left on his side don't think about me much at all.  I am grateful for a couple of long distance friends, but miss physical interaction.  I had to admit to my counselor I am jealous of some here because they have someone to at least spend some time with in that way.  It's not a bad jealousy, it's just part of being human I accept.  I am glad for those that have that.  

One thing I have always known but couldn't find words for came to me last night as I watched our angel chimes spin from the 4 candles and heard the tiny dings as they struck the little bells is that this hurts so bad because it used to be so good.  Stared at the thing for a long time dreading but wanting it to stop.  

I'll put the tree away and pull down the cards we always taped on the kitchen cabinets tonight.  Be relieved ads and commercials and holiday music will stop everywhere I go.  But it added another notch in that pain belt I will wear or the rest of my days.  I won't really feel any better waking up alone to another day without him tomorrow.  Go back to my TV companionship without commercials of happy holiday images and deal with seeing people together as was not that different holiday or not.  At least no jewelry commercials for your soulmate and best friend.  

Its Christmas Day and as quiet as always.  The elephant in the room is the space now empty because my elephant is gone.  I have a friend in NM who has never celebrated Christmas and I used to think that was sad.  I talke to her last night and it was just another day, she was painting and humming along.  I'm not saying I would want to give up all my memories with Steve, but I sure did envy her at that moment.  As she reminded me, death changes everything and that is why I cherish her.  We may different, but she validates my feelings unlike so many I run into.  

To those that have someone, I am happy for you.  To those that don't, we have this place and hopefully someone far away to reach out to if needed.  

If this makes little sense......well, that's grief for ya!

[rdownes]

Well made it through the holiday alot of empty feelings, alot of sadness in my heart  my grandbabies were a little of a positive distraction everything is just different now and it always will be I have to learn  to accept it and learn to live with it one day at a time I like the new saying  of wishing "enough" I hope everyone found a sense of peace today and some joy even if it was remembering Christmases past hugs to all I want you all to know I care about you and  I appreciate your kindness.

[Finch]

Glad you made it through in tact. 

My first Christmas without my love too.

Checking in.

I used to not be a big fan of Christmas time of year. A bit of a miserable grump. Crystal made me look forward to it alot. She also loves celebrating Chanukah with me.

I'm back to being grumpy now. 

Still have some unopened gifts from her from last year. Don't want to open them. Want to keep them frozen in time.

Visited the tree in the park I carved our initials into after I lost her. Left a candle there. 

Took a musical pen with me that she got me that has started playing of its own accord lately. It is a college football pen that sings the fight song of her team. Tried to communicate with her via the pen and a system of yes or no. Mixed success. Started talking to the pen in the middle of the woods. I've gone mad.

Reading my Facebook timeline is a depressing thing, seeing everyone happy and with their families. 

Hope Crystal's family have got through it ok.

 

 

 

[Marie Lee]

Grief makes us a little " mad" ...crazy...and makes little sense of anything and changes everything ...so...soo...true...

Those statements made me chuckle, Tks...needed that..

Marie

[WolfsKat]

1 hour ago, Finch said:

Still have some unopened gifts from her from last year. Don't want to open them. Want to keep them frozen in time.

Dear Finch.......I hope, in time, that you'll find yourself able to open her last gifts to you.  Perhaps one, or more, of them will be something that you would cherish in her memory, and receive a small measure of comfort from?  If I'd "left gifts behind", so to speak....I'd wish for the recipient to open them.....just my personal feeling, of course. Wishing you comfort and hope in the coming New Year!

[Patty65]

Today, Dec. 26th, was our Christmas day -- having closed the shop at 3pm on Christmas eve, and travelling for 18 hours as our tradition dictates, back to my family home. It was a rough journey, my first without Ron.  I have for the first time come back here.  I am sitting by the fire that we loved so much, craved all year to sit back and experience.  I arrived to see my parents, the first time since he was gone, my mom so much weaker and frailer and trying to hold on with her limited heart function.  It was a quiet greeting with long, strong hugs, but no mention of Ron - it was understood, I know.  So I frantically got busy immediately, handing out Maui Pasta treats to the family and wrapping presents for today's gift-giving.

Eventually I had to stop, and sleep for the first time in front of the family room fire without him.  The room where Christmas has been experienced since I was three years old. It was the thing we looked forward to together the most. I had to keep the fire going all night, just like he would, just for him, just for us, just because he loves it so. Loved. Loves.  I'm tired of trying to catch myself not using the correct tense. Our house. My house. It will always be present plural tense to me. 

When I unwrapped my sister's present to me, our scrapbook wedding album she has been working on for over a decade, I did not make it past page one -- well even the cover really -- before the tears flowed and flowed.  "Hey, Pat, You're leaking" my dad said.  His way of acknowledging my tears.  I put it down, went to the bathroom and cried until I could compose myself.  There, I felt Ron telling me... a bit desperately almost... "I'm here, I'm here, I promise, I'm here"  I need him here.  I need to let myself feel him.  But it so hard in the pain of every moment of specific traditions without him - and our journey here is all about those specific traditions. Each a gut punch, and the ultimate challenge to feel him here.  To let it, to believe it.

My family respects my pain, but they hold their breath when it shows, as I was always the happy, positive, look-on-the-bright-side child. It is ok, it is familiar, and I tread through each day, each moment knowing I am surrounded by their love in the only way they know how to give it. The pain is so deep, but there is a peace floating around that I believe is Ron.  He wants me to see and feel my family now as he did --the family he loved, the family he never had.  And after all, at least I have escaped the frantic, relentless, stress-filled survival-mode of Maui Pasta for a week.

And I guess, that can be Enough, as Marty's beautiful story says, for this excruciating holiday.

A year ago tomorrow, we woke up to Ron's tumors emerged on his face, and each day from last year is so crystal clear in its details of his decline.  It feels like that is the day that our paths started a slight divergence.  He Knew, and I had hope of turning it all around, I believed I could save him.  That divergence, of not following his knowing, of not being there to process his fears of dying with him - it haunts me. I was relentless in my hope, and ignored reality.  I came to that realization a few weeks ago, and it was and is a devastating and guilt-ridden depression, and now I am living the divergence again.  But the night a few weeks ago that I realized he had Known and I had not, I felt him tell me "it's OK". Over and over.  But the reliving. How can my heart break more than it has for the past 10 months? Yet it continues.

My heart breaks for all of us this holiday. And I am so, so, so grateful for our community.

Last I share the happiest of memories, Christmas 06, a decade ago, just married, and sharing our first Christmas together as a family with a day in the Big Apple -- going to the Natural History Museum, having an amazing Italian dinner years before the concept of Maui Pasta existed, and skating in the rain in Rockefeller center for the first and only time in our lives, such such such Joy as we paid the photographer in front of the Rockefeller Christmas tree to snap the moment.  The photo lives at my parent's home, but I will be taking it back with me and cherishing it forever.

Thank you for the space and safety to share.

 

[Marie Lee]

Great story Patty...this safety net is wonderful ..love the pic...something therapeutic about a nice fire. I bet the scrapbook is beautiful.

Hugs, Marie

[WolfsKat]

Dear Patty

Love the picture.....you can just see the pure happiness in your faces!!!  I am so glad that you made the long journey "home"....knowing how hard it would be without Ron at your side, but knowing that you needed to go, as well.  There is some comfort to be found in traditions, I suppose that's why most have them.  And, yes, I DO believe that Ron was there, with you......as this all had meant so much to him, as well, how could he NOT be there?  I think his "gift" to you would be his assurance that he is still with you, and that he knew that your desperate hope to save him was borne of your great love for him....even if he "knew", perhaps he did not want to add to your pain and fear.....that would be from his love for you, to spare you as much pain as he could, while he could. The holidays, especially the "firsts", are very painful for so many of us now......here's hoping that we will someday be able to feel joy in them again!  Hugs, Kat

[KATPILOT]

Your eyes all sparkle like the lights of the tree. Great picture Patty. It does evoke some joy in the memory of happier times. Those are the best ones to hold on to.  

[kayc]

Patty,

How special to get your scrapbook album, but how hard that it came after his death.  The tense is both past and present all wrapped in one...we "had" them with us physically, we "love" them still.  The love is continual from both sides.  I'm sorry this was so hard, there's just nothing easy about any of this.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Patty...

I have been wondering how you trip was going.  I took a sabbatical from Christmas this year.  I went and spent time with my mother-in-law Christmas morning, because I knew that she wasn't going to have any visits from her children...they all have families, and the older children no longer wish to leave their Christmas to go and be at grandmother's house. I did not go to the annual Mueller get-together.  One of the only things I loved about being with SO many people, was watching Mark interacting with his siblings and all their children.  I loved seeing the enjoyment he got from it.  Now that is gone, and it just makes his absence so much bigger, and I just felt I needed to avoid it.  The wreath that my mother-in-law placed on my front door will be coming down pretty soon.   It's funny now when we find or look upon a photograph we haven't seen in a while, or never saw before, that for a few seconds, you feel the excitement of them being here.     

 

[Gwenivere]

Patty, I have a picture of Steve holding me from behind in front of our Christmas tree from 2000.   I look at that and see the happiness I see in yours.  Wondering why it had to leave.  Holidays change and adapt, but when that igniting spark is snuffed out, it's damned impossible to accept we won't ever feel it again.  Like Maryann, I went super low key this year and it really didn't help me much.  Can't undo memories and desires or ignore them happening all around me.  Worst being alone for most of it.  You'll have to let us know how your feelings are when you have settled in back home after such an amazingly long and emotional trip back in your world at home.