A new widow

[martha jane]

I am a widow. I have to  check that box now. My husband died on Dec 13, 2016.  He entered the hospital on Nov 1st, my son's birthday. He was put on hospice on Nov 28th , our 57th anniversary. He never spoke to me again. He never told me bye. His was delirous from sespis and c diff.  I did not know that going on hospice would make him like he was in a coma, eyes closed, not moving. No food or water for 14 days. He lay with his head back as far as it would go and his mouth wide open. His tongue became coated with stuff and there were traces of blood inside. The aides tried to keep it clean but was afraid he would choke if a piece went down his throat. At that point it wouldn't have mattered. On the 14th day his breathing changed and my two daughters and I stayed beside his bed, one daughter held her hand over his heart until it stopped. I held his hands which were closed into fists, we had put washcloths in his hands to try to keep them open. My other daughter was knelling in the floor whimpering like a wounded animal. My son's plane was just landing in San Francisco, he had to go back for work.  The day he died was on the anniversary of someone I lost many years ago that I loved.  

I am sitting here at home, the dishes are all dirty,  the Christmas tree and decorations are still up. I am eating whatever I can find that is easy to prepare.  Cookies and tea and chips. Oranges.   I feel as if I am being kicked in the stomach every few minutes.  He is gone. He is not sitting beside me on the couch. He is not calling for me to watch Wheel of Fortune with him.  He is not asking if I want some ice cream, hinting that he did and needing me to get it for him because he has Parkinson's and it is hard for him to stand or walk.  I get irritated with him. He wets in the floor instead of the bedside commode. He forgets to flush the bathroom commode, it is unpleasant. I have to change his diapers, sometimes they don't absorb well all the time and he wets the pads and the top sheet and his undershirt. I complain because I have to wash the bedding over and over. I get hateful sometimes . He begs me not  to get upset even when he does things that really upsets me. I say, I am just supposed to let you act any way and not say anything? I replay all of this in my mind over and over and I feel like I deserve being left alone. I feel like  I was really a bitch to him sometimes. He does not deserve the way I treat him at times.  I was aggravated at him the day he said he was hurting across his stomach.  He lay on the bed and I didn't see about him until I went in the room and he was half off the bed.  I had to get him back on and after taking his blood pressure and temperature I called an ambulance. They didn't act as if they thought he needed the hospital. They said what do you want us to do? I said, well I can't take him to the hospital, he is not able to walk so take him to the hospital.  For once I did the right thing, he was diagnosed with a UTI ,  pancreasitis and later sepsis. Everything went downhill from there.  They finally released him to rehab (too soon) While there for four days he was neglected and was found in the floor one morning. How he got out of bed I don't know.  I keep thinking, How long was he in the floor, was he calling for me to help him? Was he cold? He was delirious so they sent him to the ER. When I got there he was beside himself, talking out of his head, they had to put mitts on his hands that he tired desperately to get off. He pulled his cover off,  he had a catherer inserted. They inserted a feeding tube. He begged for food and water, the last thing he asked for was some watermelon. They discovered that he was bleeding internally. He had something called C Diff that causes diarrhea 10 or more times a day. It destroys the good bacteria in your stomach and the bad takes over and spreads all over your body. They had to remove the feeding tube because the liquid food was just staying in his stomach. The doctor recommended we place him on hospice since he wasn't strong enough to withstand tests to see why he was bleeding. At 84 years old any of the things he had gone through could have killed him.  We agreed and that  is when he left me.  He never called my name or spoke to me or my daughters again. We went to pieces because we felt that we were starving him to death. Everyone told us we were doing the right thing.  I don't know.  He was receiving morphine and ativan for his delirium.  At least he wasn't aware that he was dying. 

Now I look at the picture taken when we got married  and his happiness is shining in his face. He loved me with all his heart and soul, more than I did him.  But he is gone and I have nothing left but loneliness, guilt and the pain of missing him more than I could have ever dreamed possible. We had many happy years together, he was so good to me and to his three children, he never drank, never cursed, never looked at another woman, worked hard, sometimes out of town for weeks at a time.  Most of the time we moved with him. We lived in Fla, Colorado, Indiana and many other towns and enjoyed every minute of it. My kids learned to get along with all kind of kids and became more broadminded than if we had stayed in Ala. They have said how glad they were that we moved around like we did. We had a sailboat in Fla and spent many hours on the ocean. We hiked and camped and traveled to all the places close to where ever we were living at the time.  He worked until he was 75 as a construction supt. Then we moved back home bought an old farmhouse and got two cows and planted a garden. And then he got Parkinson's and our life changed drastically. Many times I felt resentful that his sickness had put a stop to all the things we enjoyed.  I did everything I could for him, bought anything that I felt would make his life easier.  He was doing very well, no shaking just weakness in his legs so that he had to use a walker and couldn't do much around the house.   

I had no idea that something so simple as a UTI would cause his death.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I have two chickens that I am neglecting, I am neglecting my house, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to be around people because I can't talk without crying. It is embarrassing.  I had a security system installed and I sit locked inside my house with a gun under my pillow. I have never lived alone before.  For 57 years I had him to protect me and see that I was okay.  He cared what I talked about.  He liked when I dressed up.  Now I just don't care. I just don't care.

[AB3]

Martha, I am sorry for what brings you here and know all too well what you're feeling right now as I lost the love of my life this past December as well. I know how hard it is to keep going with the overwhelming amount of guilt, resentment and pain you are currently enduring. But from what you just shared you have nothing to feel guilty about, you did everything you could, you loved him endlessly even through his sickness and I'm sure that meant the world to him. Im not going to lie, the pain will never truly go away but you will learn to in a sense "live with it". Even though it has been a little over a month for me as well I still have days like you just shared, but I have had some moments of peace and you will too. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are only human, and grief is a journey.

Post as much as you feel on here this is a safe place. No judgments just a great deal of support from those who travel this journey beside you.

You are not alone.

[enna]

Dear Martha Jane,

I am not a new widow but I do want you to know how very sorry I am for the loss of your husband of 57 years. The journey of those last weeks must have been so difficult for you and your children. I cannot imagine your emotions during that time. You are doing what so many of us did those first months ~ sitting in a numb state not knowing what day it is or if we ate anything or even if we showered. This is normal when we are in the early stages of our grief. You need time to digest what has happened. There is no time limit for you right now. What you are doing is what you need to do.

Your story just hurt me and I am so sorry for what you went through.  I experienced some of what you described with my husband as he went through his last few weeks of life. He did not have the medical conditions you shared and I was so fortunate to have Hospice of the Valley in Arizona to help me.

You will find people here who will wrap their arms around you and be here for you. Others will share their stories with you and assure you that you are not alone.

Anne 

[iPraiseHim]

Martha Jane,

I am sorry for all you have been through. Being a caretaker of your beloved spouse adds another layer of burden and guilt to an already unbearable situation.  When my wife died, I was in such shock that I had trouble, breathing, sleeping, eating, and living. I felt the same insecurity in my home as if the foundation of my world had been ripped from me.  I also bought a home security system and personal protection. The death and loss of our beloved partner changes us in profound ways. 

This place and group of people here from all spectrum's of  life truly know and understand your pain and grief. Your story is painful, raw, and real.  I am thankful you found this group and please come often to share and learn how we help each other.  MartyT, has some great resources to share which can help us all.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  - Shalom 

[Guest]

Martha Jane you have my sympathy for your loss and what you are going through now. I can relate to a good deal of what you experienced, and I am so sorry you have had to go through it. I was my wife's full time caregiver for the last 6 years of her life. Her diabetes was slowly destroying her body. Her end came when she went into the hospital with pneumonia, on Dec. 13, 2015. On the 15th she was moved to the hospital's CCU and put on a ventilator. She never came off of it. On Dec. 26th c diff got hold of her, and her downhill slide really escalated. Her official cause of death was sepsis, but it was the c diff. I finally had to end her misery and struggling on new year's day of last year. She was kept sedated the entire time, but her last week or so her only physical activity was to make fists and chew on the tube in her mouth, because of parkinson's. 

Please don't ever feel like you owe any of us apologies. Use this group. We are all here for one reason only. To get help when we need it, and to support each other (maybe that's 2 reasons). We all use and abuse each other. It's all part of getting through this train wreck called grief. I am not the expert here. Nobody could fill those shoes better than MartyT does. But I do try to share the lessons i've learned from being a passenger on this train wreck. You will be in my prayers Martha Jane. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[Autumn2]

I am sending hugs to you Martha Jane. i,too, am new to this. I am sorry for what you are going thru but somewhat can relate. My hubby died December 4, 2016 of septic shock due to a kidney stone. He also had Parkinsons but was doing pretty well. He walked into the hospital at 10 am and was carried out at 3 am the next morning. He was not diagnosed or treated in a timely manner. On the way to cat scan he suffered a massive heart attack. I was told he was too unstable to be mov d and cardiology and urology wouldnt touch him. He was intubated and sedated. I was told they would continue doing compressions if I wanted but he would not make it. I called all our kids and they spoke to him on mY iPhone giving him their love. Hopefully he heard it. I, of course, said all the things I wished I had said earlier. I went home and got his service dog, a big golden retriever, and he jumped into bed with him. I then made the decision to extubate him and take him off the ventilator. We had always described our wishes and had our living will and advance directive. He died two hours later before any of our kids could get there. Here, He and I expected him to get a pill for his backache and go home. Never did he or I think this is how it would end. I know in my head I did what he wanted but in my heart I am selfish. I almost feel like I killed him because I made that decision but as you see he only lived for two hours. Still my guilt is tremendous. So many things left unsaid. Married almost 52 years and complacency reigns. I hope you can feel better about your guilt but it is easier said than done. Thinking of you...much in common. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Autumn2 said:

 I almost feel like I killed him because I made that decision but as you see he only lived for two hours. Still my guilt is tremendous. So many things left unsaid. Married almost 52 years and complacency reigns.

Autumn2, some of your story is much like mine. My heart goes out to you. My wife &  I were married just a couple of months shy of 41 years. I had to help here die on new years day last year, our 41st anniv. would have been March 7th. I struggled with the same guilt as yours, for having to do the same thing with my wife. She went into the hosp. on Dec. 13, 2015 with pneumonia. Was moved to CCU and put on a ventilator on the 15th and never came off of it. They extubated her on the 20th as a trial balloon just to see if her breathing would be any stronger, but it wasn't. My last conversation with her was on that day. C diff got hold of her on the 26th and she slid downhill pretty quickly after that.  Finally on new years day last year i couldn't put off the inevitable any longer. The toughest decision of my life, but it was the only right decision. I do know that. I have known all along that the legal system was okay with what i did. And i also know that my decision was exactly what my wife would have ordered done if she had been able to speak for herself. But, a small part of me struggled with the fact that i intentionally and purposefully ended the life of another human being. I have come to terms with it okay by now, but i did struggle with that for at least the first half of last year. Trust in your love for your husband motivating you to do the one and only thing that was right for his circumstances. Saying that to myself at least 20,000 times last year eventually helped clear my conscience. Like self-brainwashing i suppose. I think we all over analyze the details of our particular story. Did I do enough? What could/should i have done better or differently? etc, etc. We almost become masochists, we do it so much. I suppose even that is part of the process called grief. And somehow throgh it all we find a way to persevere and get through one more day. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[Autumn2]

Thank you Darrel. Like you said...One foot in front of the other" or also for me "one second at a time". i miss him so. As you know when you have been married so long they are a part of you. We were truly a team and did most things together. I will never forget that last morning's cup of coffee which I found that next morning when I came home without him. He was okay that morning, slight backache but he had been planting some daffodil bulbs,sitting on his special gardening stool. We had been to lunch and Home Depot the day before and he was fine. I know sepsis is horrible but the hospital did not disgnose it properly. It was nine hours before he got fluids,or an antibiotic. I am now working with the hospital / RiskManagement...not for litigation but for education and change. He had most symptoms of sepsis and they were missed for hours. Would he have lived anyway, I dont know but he had been okay for hours and then then went bad in minutes. The hospital admits there were problems. I have told them the things my family and I want and I meet with them next week we whall see. If you are so inclined check out Sepsis Alliance, on the web, and you will see many such stories, including sepsis,with cdiff. Again, we are not interested in monetary litigation but want better education with the hope of saving at least one more life.

 

[Marie Lee]

Hugs Autumn.... I am so very sorry to hear all you have experienced lately.

Grief is a tough journey, Marie

[kayc]

21 hours ago, martha jane said:

We went to pieces because we felt that we were starving him to death. Everyone told us we were doing the right thing.  I don't know.

Martha Jane,

I wish they'd explain things more fully.  It's common to remove food at the end because it's not processing through the body and it causes more harm than good.  They do that to help him not hurt him.
I am so sorry for your loss.  None of us are perfect, none of us responds perfectly all the time.  You may have felt you were being a bitch to him but I bet he didn't think that, he probably felt he wished you didn't have to be his nursemaid, he signed on for you to be his wife, not that.  Darn if this isn't just hard on everyone involved!!  I'm sorry your son didn't make it in time to say goodbye, but it sounds like he wasn't able to say goodbye to any of you.  I'm sorry for that too.   

You have found a caring place to be, I hope you will come back.  You can say whatever is on your mind here, we've been through it, although all our experiences have different details, it all boils down to the fact we lost the person we loved the most.

Welcome here, there will be others here shortly.

[kayc]

Autumn,

I want to welcome you here too.  I'm also sorry for your loss and hope you find comfort being here and knowing there are others here that get what you're going through.

[kevin]

Martha, my Christmas tree has been up last two seasons...I leave it decorated in the grandkids room.(theme room idea I got from Brad)...I never had the chance to say goodbye but I suspect you spent your last  months, days, and minutes by his side....No need for goodbyes since you will see him again...condolences..kevin

[Margm]

I keep my fiberoptic Christmas tree under the shelf where Billy's wooden urn is located.  There it will stay.  If it breaks, I will get another one.  It is white, sparkly, and pretty.  

Martha, for a long time I would make some psychological slip and for "grief" the word "guilt" would be substituted.  It has been 17 months now.  The first few months I could make myself numb and escape some of the hurt.  We had 54 years together.  I wanted 54 more.  My last emotion to him was anger.

When I first started typing discharge summaries and medical transcription there was a death summary the doc had dictated.  The man and woman were in their 20's.  He had incurable leukemia (which might have been cured in this time 47 years later. The most romantic, sorrowful, powerful thing during all my years of typing these was the doctor saying he came into the room and she was rocking her deceased husband, holding him like a baby, loving on him.  Martha, one thing Billy loved more than anything was for me to just hold him.  His illness took him in five weeks.  Hell filled weeks, cane, walker, wheelchair. I had to clean him for a short time.  I gave him bed baths and I loved ministering care to him and showing him how much I loved him. He never knew I minded, I made sure of that.  I told him about emptying my bedpans and cleaning the tube inserted in my hip when my colon burst.  He cleaned the bags too and they were awful. My taking care of him though, it took his dignity away. So, the morning he passed away my head was asleep on his bed in the hospital.  I won't go into the crap we had to go through to get that bed anymore, but he woke me and held his hands out to me and I knew he was giving up.  I got terribly angry.  I took the bottle that he used to urinate in and said unkind words, I don't remember what they were, but I slapped it into those beautiful hands that were outstretched to me.  I woke up two hours later and he was gone..  I missed my chance to sit up in bed and hold him and ease him over into his rest.  So now, my mind substitutes the word guilt often for grief.  I could have been holding him.

If I could I would be one of those people that takes those things and flogs themselves to death physically.  You and I both are doing it mentally.  I am trying to go to a group and I am resenting it so bad.  The people on here, we can say anything, anytime, and there is an empathetic voice attached to the words typed on the screen.  

I want to practice what I preach.  We have to give up the guilt.  Billy was 75.  As I have said 10s of times, I was not old until he left.  And, I could have been holding him.  Will never have that chance again.  It is past now.  I have let go of some of the guilt and have allowed myself to forget his death mask...........some times.  More often now than earlier.  I wish you such peace.  It still is there, but I am forgiving myself some, and then I want to say, "no, I'm not."  

I hope we both can forgive ourselves.  We say that they would forgive us.  I wonder though, Billy loved for me to hold him.  I was angry, I was not going to let him give up..  He didn't listen to me this time.  He left without me.

[KATPILOT]

Martha Jane welcome. Your story is so hard and this is so new.  For what it's worth  I can relate to much of what you said and most all of us can.Everyone of us has checked that widowed box so we know what it's like. You are not alone and you will find friendship and comfort here. Lot's of good people travel your path.

Marge you have it right. We need to forgive ourselves for only doing the best we could at the time we did it. When we lose someone so dear to us it is so easy to blame ourselves because we were the ones who should have seen it coming or sensed the right path to take,  In the end all that matters is "Did we love them?".

[Autumn2]

To everyone with guilt. I hope we ALL can forgive ourselves. I doubt I will ever be able to. when I was helping to hold him down so he wouldnt pull off his oxygen all I was saying to him was keep in on. Slow your breathing...I could have been saying I love you and wasnt. That was the last time he might  really have heard those words before he was sedated and intubated and later died. Even after he was sedated heavily before they could get him intubated he was breathing like a fish out of water. I will never forget the look of shear terror in his eyes...and I was telling him to slow his breathing...he couldn't. What a crock of sh.t.  He was desperate to breathe and I could have been saying I love you. I hate myself! What an awful wife  lover and partner. I was not "there" with words of comfort when he needed me most. I will never forget the terror in his eyes. I know i am repeating myself but..

Please someone help me. Six weeks on and I have the rest of my life to see this but then again I am 73 so maybe that is good. Never thought getting old would be so good. How can I live without him...52 years February 6th.

 

[kevin]

2 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

We need to forgive ourselves for only doing the best we could at the time we did it. When we lose someone so dear to us it is so easy to blame ourselves because we were the ones who should have seen it coming or sensed the right path to take, 

It has been 18 months and I still second guess my decisions, choice of doctors, pushed for a higher  risk surgeries.........as Kat stated, it was the best we could do at the time "with the available information"......kevin

[RangerKate]

Martha, welcome and feel supported here. My experience with my husband's death was very different from yours and others posted here, but the guilt is still with me. Even though in my head I know I am not guilty of anything (my husband was run over by a bus), months after his passing my heart still says otherwise. I guess it's part of the grief. You loved and cared for your husband over a long and difficult time, which in itself is exhausting and demanding, which must add to your stress. I do want address something you wrote:  "I don't want to be around people because I can't talk without crying. It is embarrassing." Martha, there is no shame in crying. I sometimes cry in the supermarket, or on the street. I cry when I'm around my friends, and I've learned to accept it, as have they. You are grieving, and crying if you need to is part of that. Being with people is important. Don't let shame or embarrassment keep you from contact with people. We all know what you are going through, especially in the first weeks, and especially around holidays.

[Margm]

10 hours ago, Marg M said:

He never knew I minded,

I certainly spoke wrong.  It should not be "he never knew I minded" it should be that I never minded, other than not wanting him to be sick, taking care of him was as loving as if he had been my infant child.  I never minded.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Autumn2 said:

I am 73 so maybe that is good

As said so often, I was not old until Billy left.  Right after he passed when I would cry so much the breath seemed to just drift away and I would think "this is not bad, just don't draw in your breath, just don't breathe any more."  It seemed so easy.  But then my granddaughter moved in with me.  And, you think, a 17-year-old, how will you handle that?  But, my daughter has mental problems and had emotionally beat this child down.  A purpose came into my life.  I want to make my granddaughter trust people again.  She is getting her GED, because my daughter kept taking her out of schools.  She got to where she was afraid to be around people.  She was adopted as an infant and was her "Dade," she was the light of his life.  He was her first "Nanny."  We got guardianship twice but each time we thought our daughter had changed.  She could not have children and now that our granddaughter is 17, she does not have to go through a lawyer again, or courts.  She goes to school, no problem (except she wants to know I am somewhere close).  She goes to a counselor once a week and last night she was telling me about changing classes and taking some advanced English classes.  I do not push her.  Her mom did, but also put up walls where she had nowhere to go.  I see hope.  Only, her mom tells her "what are you going to do if Mamol dies."  Well Lord help me, I have a reason to keep living and after I can get her standing on her own two feet, then I won't mind leaving.  I am old.  And, no one wanted to follow their husband anymore than I did, my plan was made.  My health is ...........well, I can get around very good, I drive (even at night if I have to), and after I get my sister on her two feet after my mom passed, then if I have to, then I can go.  But, like with Billy, we had no idea he was even sick.  So, you go when you have to.  I just want to help my granddaughter live.  She is no problem.  Her happiness and my sister's problems, they are my utmost concern.  We find a reason to live.

[Gin]

Marg,

I am still looking for my reason.

[Margm]

Gin, my reasons fall into my lap.  I did not have to look for them.  I write things down and then I delete them.  Sometimes I might post them and forget that I have already said something.  

I am so tired of this GriefShare, and I think you said you liked it, or someone did.  So, that person is good with other people.  It is a good group, a good cause.  But, I really feel like an 8th grader stuck in the 3rd grade.  Used to in church we would have so many "fellowship" meetings and at various other Missionary Baptist churches.  I was fine with that, but never liked to be put on the podium to give a "talk."  Still don't.  I will share in meetings, in a circle, not getting out of my chair, and if I can help someone else, I am happy to try.  

Being a senior, there are many things offered to us, if we want to take them.  This town is about 12 or 13,000 people, more or less.  They have a senior center.  The small town I moved from had made it past 1,000 people.  Their senior center on top of a hill was beautiful.  Lunch every day, bingo, cards, dominoes, people getting together talking, gossiping, just regular fellowship.  They even sent small vans and buses around to pick up people from their homes.  Lots of churches.  Don't have a belief yet?  Maybe don't want a belief, faith, well that is totally your business and should stay that way.  But there are still places to go.  Now, if I was a lot younger and my "innards" were in better shape I would go to a bar.  (I know, I know, that is not a good thing to do, but I have not been known to always do good things. Not looking for anyone, although the liquor might make me take a taxi home).  No taxi or bars in this town, and luckily/or unluckily my "innards" cannot handle liquor, so that kind of fellowship is out.  

Right now I am not looking for fellowship, but if I did want it, I think I might find a place to go.  No, it would not be near as much fun without Billy, but Billy left me.  He did not do it on purpose, but he is not coming back so whatever I do, I have to do without him.  Does not keep me from talking to him and telling him what is going on. Does not keep me from crying for him.  

You see, last night I had to go pick up my daughter at the hospital.  One of her "friends" that does not know her like I do, this friend up in the north, Michigan I think, she thought my daughter was suicidal.  (We have been through this for years now).  So she called local police and eight police cars showed up at her house and took her to the hospital in the big city (at least, one of the cars did this).  She was ashamed to tell me the truth but finally had to. The psych doc called me before dark, tornado warnings all over the area, and asked me if I thought she was suicidal.  (He, the doctor), did not think she was. No, I did not think so, we have been through this before, so I drove through the storm to the big city.  I have plenty of things to keep me occupied.  Right now I don't have time for "fellowship."   

If anyone wants fellowship, I think it can be found.  Right now, in grief, we have to do what is best for us, if we get a chance to.  Some of us do not really want to be around people, some of us really want to be.............and then some of us have to be.  It is doable, even if we are not young anymore.   

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

I will never forget the look of shear terror in his eyes...and I was telling him to slow his breathing...he couldn't. What a crock of sh.t.  He was desperate to breathe and I could have been saying I love you.

The last time I saw George he also had a look of sheer terror in his eyes.  He was in immense pain, he was having a heart attack and they were working on him.  The nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  I have been haunted by that, I wanted to be there for him as he passed, we were always there for each other!  But the truth is, he probably was in so much pain and trying to transition to the next life that he likely couldn't have been aware of my presence at that time.  This was beyond anything we'd ever gone through or known.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.  Situations could have been reversed, what would you say to him if it had been you dying and him trying his best to help you out?  Because that's what you were doing, you were trying to help him, you could not have known it'd be his last bit of time with you.  This is just hard no matter how you slice it.

[Marie Lee]

Hello my friends, I read your stories of your beloved's departure and their expressions . Pain and terror, etc.......oh how that must ache! I am so very sorry to hear this is your memory..I earnestly hope and pray for peace for you all.

Hugs, Marie

[martha jane]

I thank all of you for your kind words and encouragement.  I saw c diff and sepsis mentioned several times. I did not know that it was so common. I have managed to do a little house cleaning and am trying to keep my bed made and things straight in there. When I would take time to make the bed he would comment on how pretty everything looked. It was just a lot of trouble to put the comforter on and them roll it to the foot of the bed each night. I was afraid that he would wet it and I has to be dry cleaned.  My niece's x husband had Parkinson's and when he fell and went to the hospital he couldn't go back to assisted living. He did not want to go in a nursing home so she quit her job and took him home with her. He died last night, she got up to see about him and he was gone.  He followed the same path as my husband. He stopped moving and food that he had the night before was still in his mouth the next day. She called hospice and they came and took over. They said he probably had a UTI and had a temp of 104. It hurt for anyone to touch him. After the morpine was started he never responded again. I am thankful that he didn't last as long as my husband especially since he wasn't in the hospital and she was alone with him most of the time.  I don't know if PD causes things like this to happen. He was only 70. I would have thought he might could have fought it off better than my husband. Now my niece is a widow. I do have a purpose now. I will help her and I will understand exactly how she feels although she had stopped loving him I know she is grieving for the early years they spent together and raised their two daughters. She is a very good person to do what she did. She deserves extra stars in her crown when she gets to heaven. 

Last night I was sitting on the couch and there was a small noise on the end where he always sat. When I looked just for a second I thought I saw him sitting there.  There is a calendar there where he kept up with his doses of laxitives that he had to take. On Oct 31 there is an entry in his shaky handwriting with a big black dot that he used to mark the day. It is blank starting on Nov 1st and it will never be marked in again. His life is over and that is so hard for me to accept and understand. 

[kevin]

On 1/22/2017 at 8:34 AM, Marg M said:

other than not wanting him to be sick, taking care of him was as loving as if he had been my infant child.  I never minded.

Marg,...the infant child comparison captures my feelings two years ago. I felt like the Parent and my poor Angela was the child. But to echo your sentiment, not a problem ever in my mind.......My existance or purpose was solely focused on Angela's needs or calorie count.........