Mom

[Tachi]

So youve been bit in that same place several times. I can see where that would add up the damage. I never can understand people who abuse others, humans or animals. they just dont belong here. 

I think the last thing mom tried for her hands were gold shots and they didnt work. that was some time ago tho. 

I guess I need to start researching plans.

Waiting for dads hospital bills to come. he had already met his out of pocket limit so hopefully they will pay for almost all of it...hope.

Brother had sent another box of expensive cookies. I ate some and theres a reason i dont eat stuff like that. Its high in fat and it crashes my metabolism, so I tossed em in the garbage. he just doesnt listen. im not going to eat unhealthy.

No idea what I will do. doubt I will make enough just from a job. but they make it so if you pull SS you cant make enough from a job to survive. Worry about that later. Need to find an atty and see if we need probate or if we can skip it and keep going. Im guessing they will say probate and be expensive. Attys arent here to help me, but to take as much of my $ as they can. Welcome to Life I guess.

The book my bro gave me on grief. I just cant read it.

But I reread marty's articles and some other things. Like the sermon says, the warfare is in the mind. there is no authority or text that judges us and tells us to feel guilt, we do it to ourselves. And its wrong. The shock has mostly worn off. i know i could have done better taking care of dad, but its all over and hes gone. Guilt has no place and no purpose. When it starts coming up I talk to myself until it goes away. Things get better slowly and will keep doing so. My main job right now is to not play the blame and guilt game. But to forgive myself and get back to working on my own life again. What, who, do I want to be. 

Take good care of yourself, and Kodie

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Tachi said:

Guilt has no place and no purpose

I've often told people (usually they feel guilty in loss of pet) once they've learned from their experience, guilt has no further purpose and to let it go (put up the hand!) as all it serves at that point is getting us down and holding us there, that serves no one.

Iris getting her port put in Friday for chemo so I'll be staying the night to help her/them out...don't know when Mike is coming home, he has to have two negative tests before the hospital will release him.  They have too much on their plates right now.  Will have to be back and forth as I have to load the fire, will probably aim for 3 x day instead of two as hard to leave her/them at 6 am.  Will need to cook ahead of time, thinking maybe chicken soup as she will be nauseous, possibly vomiting.  

Peggy wants to add me onto her bank account, ugh, not wanting to but will do it.  Her episodes of attacking me still haunt me.

Yes, eleven injuries to my hands in two years is too much, 8 of them dog bites, one, dog yank (did a lot of damage), botched surgery for that, and an over-zealous dermatologist that cut way too aggressively, turns out for naught but I'm still left with the damage.

You can earn$18,960 per year and still draw soc. sec. without them deducting anything.  Some places will work with you on that, I don't know what it'll be next year.

You can call a Medicare phone no. (saw it on Dr Phil yesterday) and they'll go over your situation, meds, etc. to find out which advantage plan would benefit you most in your area.  Some offer vision, dental, Rxs, even vitamins and eating healthy, gym membership, etc.  I have to consider who contracts with my doctors/area, etc not being in a big city.  I prefer to pay to keep my own dentist as the last time I went to one covered by ins it was awful, the hygienist spent ten min. on my teeth!  I can do that myself and stay home!  My hygienist spends 1- 1 1/2 hour on me.  So if it costs $200 I feel it's worth it, they do everything, measure the pockets, etc. 

[Tachi]

Sounds like you're going to be very busy, take good care of yourself. 

Will be praying for them. Sounds like a rough time. But they will make it. It seems you are a blessing to many people.

Do you wear a supportive glove or anything on that hand? just wondering if it might help. 

i forget what those old ssa mailings said. i think it was 1500 a month or if I retired at 72 I get 1700. If I get 15 and make the max from a job I might get by. Not sure they wont bankrupt SS tho.

Dad got a collection notice today. Spent a couple hours calling around. On the 12th a doctor scoped dads stomach. dad passed two days later. We never got a bill. However they sent it right away to collections. I didnt really understand the girl. Either they didnt have his insurance or it was the wrong one. I called that hospital and checked and they have the correct insurance. Im left wondering how the company that did the stomach scope couldnt get dads ins info and why they went to collections immediately. Going to stay on top of this and make sure it gets taken care of and then will file a complaint with them, thats ridiculous. 

Yep looks like I will need to find an atty and file for probate and hope/pray for an easy process. It 'shouldnt ' be bad but many places it could go very wrong.

Hopefully the estate will be settled before I need to join medicare. So will start looking at it then. 

Remember the times dad had a big bowel mvmt? Once or twice a month. And from his description it just sounded like maybe he had a big bm. they scoped his stomach and he had bleeding ulcers. his old doc and the other hospital gave him fiber and never looked.

Take good care and thanks for the medicare info. they always make it fun.

[kayc]

$1,580/mo = 18,960/year you can earn without losing soc sec but after that they deduct $1 for every $2.

I'm so sorry your dad wasn't diagnosed when he should have been, easily done with ultrasound, I had them once, got treatment, never had that issue again.  It was the same time as I had to get my gallbladder out.

So wrong that a company doesn't even send a bill, do you think they automatically sent it to collections because he died?  Still so wrong!  Someplace did that with Bert too.  I told Peggy to call them but it took her over a year.  That's how she is.  She feels she doesn't owe it so throws it away when a phone call could straighten it out.  Turns out they didn't have her Blue Cross info. 

Yeah, their standard answer for everything is "eat more fiber."  You could be eating tons of fiber, they'd still say the same thing.  I get aggravated with the medical system.

They say they'll reduce our soc sec benefits by 22% in 2032.  They thieved it and we'll pay for it.  I'm losing faith in our whole system/gov't.

I made a big pot of chicken/veg soup to take to Iris tomorrow, hopefully she'll keep some down.

Peggy had her first cataract surgery two days ago and quit her treatment.  Now is NOT the time to discontinue it!  She assumed she'd be blind because she didn't get eyesight back but I read to her that some people take longer to heal and restore and she should NOT be eating carbs meanwhile!  (She tends to be void of nutrition and then wonder why she doesn't heal.)  

You have a good head on your shoulders, you will find some work, right now it's employee's market, of course I know you have your hands full right now, but I think it'll stay this way for some time.

[Tachi]

Peggy...thats exactly how Dad was. His idea of modern medicine was take a pill and instantly be fixed. i kept trying to explain to him that things take time and may never be like they were but if it slowed down or halted the process that was a win. I hope Peggy will just follow along and give it time.

So many people just get by, and cutting SS benefits will cause great hardship. I dont know if I can even get a job but will have to. If i can make the limit and get 1500 SS that should be enough I think. The present govt is trying to crash the economy, we have already spent way too much and they keep spending more.

Just got cable fixed, bad connector at the pole. 

The death certs arrived...will get them next week. That means the scary part, dealing with bank and mortgage and finding an atty. I have 3 suggestions for an atty from people I dont know. the one we used for the Deed a few years ago I can never get a response from.

Home made soup sounds good. Bro sent a huge crockpot. I dont know why he thinks I need that. moms old one is just right. down into 40s at night next week. My favorite weather. 

Praying for Iris, Going to be rough for her. Im afraid i have no wisdom in such things.

Our windstorm really messed up the pumpkin seedlings, hope they come back. Want to see what I can grow as far as food. Going to try some kale and pole beans.

Going to get some reading done. take good care of yourself and scratch Kody for me. 

 

 

[kayc]

They say we may have a food shortage, if so, I bet we still have Kale as no one wants it.  Ha!  I chop it up, freeze it, and put a cup in my soup, you don't notice it and good way to get it in.  Not real fond of it in salad, bitter, scratchy.  Can sneak into casseroles too.

Mike sounds better (I can hear him through the walls, not what he's saying of course, but his voice sounds more perked up, that's a good sign, Iris said he can walk with the walker now and he loves my soup.  Dan is in the hospital, must be a different one as they let Rose stay with him, he's finally on a soft food diet, which is good, he couldn't eat before (Covid Pneumonia).

Peggy's doing her eye treatments now and everything I told her the doctor told her, so did Polly, only now Polly denies telling her that?  I had to explain everything to her twice, maybe Julie's right, maybe she's getting dementia too, Polly even mentioned it once.  Lord help us!  How can one family be so besot with it!  Mom, uncles, sisters, geez!  Horrid curse!

Kodie has been an angel lately except he chewed up a refund check from my dermatologist.  I sent them this picture so they could replace it.    Gave everyone a chuckle.

[Tachi]

Refund checks are evil, kodie could tell from the way it smelled, he just saved the universe. 

When I cancelled dads paper I told them several times it was because he had passed, they understood. So when they refunded him for a month they charged when they shouldnt have instead of putting that money back in his checking acct they sent a check made out to him. Wonder what they think I can do with that?

had to get a new phone, no booklet in paper or online, ridiculous. Phone is on speakerphone and dont see a way to turn it off. 

Im glad I can mostly stay at home. If i ever get covid thats probably it for me. I hope they get better soonest. Ive read of some people its just like a cold or flu and some its very difficult.

Dementia is odd to me. It seemed like so many people get it. But ive read that only a small percentage do. So maybe some of the symptoms ive associated with dementia are alzheimers. Either way it seems the upper ages are pretty rough.

My desktop pc has started making a grinding noise, like a fan is binding. I got a replacement fan but when I took the pc apart I dont see a way to trace and unplug fan wires. they tuck them behind a metal wall next to the side of the case that doesnt come off. Sometimes I want to scream.

I need to run get the death certs tomorrow and find an atty. i dont know how long after someone passes im supposed to have an atty and see about probate. Really hope its not needed but im sure it probably is. Sometimes id like to be one of those guys from a 60's movie. The americano who finds a quiet secluded little village somewhere and lives in simple peace.

You and kodie take good care.

 

[kayc]

You can't deposit it into his account?  I would think if you're on it you could.  They should have reversed whatever means was used originally but my doctor didn't either.  They sent another one, I will have to take it to the bank, much easier to issue credit, imo.

I'd google the phone model instructions, most places have online.  It drives me nuts when things come w/o instructions!  I'm one who actually reads/refers to them.  My former boss used to throw them away immediately, then I'd have to get them online and tell everyone how to use the copier, etc for the duration of its life, ugh.  So glad to not be working there anymore!

If they put a wall inside it it should have holes so air can circulate and people can SEE things!  I hate that they build things to be thrown away or have to go to technicians, either way a money pit.  

I don't envy you any.  I want a refund on old age!  I'm a wise old bitty, for all the good it does!    Can't see much else that's good about it...except not having to commute 100 miles a day to work for an idiot.  I loved all my previous jobs but that one made it easy to retire!

[Tachi]

Guess I will ask the bank when i go in. I'm not on his checks or deposit slips or debit card. Not made out to me so no idea. Dad got a envelope from the mortgage company. says they think dad has passed and want info on the mortgage. I received the house thru a ladybird deed but still need to file his death certificate downtown. Thirty minute drive and hunt for parking. I need to send in some forms and copy some documents to state my interest in the house. Would like to talk to an atty first but we shall see. I hate this, i wont know if the atty is good, honest, or taking me for a ride.

Then need to find an atty. of the three recommended only one is close. Oddly there are two less than a mile away. So i'll just try one and see. 

Ive figured out everything with the phone except how to turn off the speaker phone. crazy.

My folks saved the manual for everything they ever owned. mom knew her kitchen and laundry appliances better than anyone. And dad even to the end read everything word for word. 

In a way I miss working. but I am thankful to be away from retail and my old company. If I hadnt quit when I did it wouldnt have been very long after that. I think at first I was in denial and had all that energy to clean house. then it was regret. Still have the tailends of that. But its always easier after its over to look back and understand. This happens every day to many people. Its much different being here than living out of town. It takes a huge chunk out of you. Even with being a narcissist and all he did i remember him as a helpless old man sitting in a hospital bed. he very seldom could share how he felt. I will never know if he was ok near the end or if he was just hiding his feelings like always. I will never know if he fell asleep peacefully and then just never woke up or how he slipped into the end. When I saw him that day at 5a.m. he was out of it, non-responsive. I know these things really have no point. 

At least bro is leaving me alone. first danger point will be when we need him to sign a paper saying he wont serve as executor. 

Oh well, its late and im not looking forward to the day and im rambling.

I hope all is well there. have you been getting colder nights? We're dipping into the 40s. Trying to leave the thermostat as low as I can.

Scratch kodie for me and take good care.

[kayc]

It sounds like you've gotten a lot done and figured out a lot...stuff I never want to know/do.  Ugh.  A thankless job.  I would not think your brother would want to be executor, a lot of work/stress.

I took Iris in for her cancer port surgery yesterday, had to leave here at 6 am as they changed the time last minute.  I hate Riverbend Hospital, so hard to find the right entrance, it's a maze, humongous building all brick, everything looks the same, it'd be easier if it was rectangular but like I said, it's a maze, and with it being so dark out, that doesn't help.  Plus I hate their parking garage, I get claustrophobic in them.

Long day yesterday, high winds, rain, pitch black, but I did okay.  I got groceries for her at Costco while she was in surgery, stuff I didn't know what it was or where to find it, very hard but I got it done.  Had to sign a release form at my old dermatologist, she's moving to a practice a lot further away, I'm not liking this.  I now have three places in Eugene I have to go to and I hate Eugene.  I was raised there and have roots there with my family being pioneers there but it's changed, it's got tons of traffic, etc.  I'd rather stay on the Springfield side, funny because growing up I never went to Springfield.

Kodie played with Jazzy while we were gone, they both got filthy, Mike couldn't keep an eye on them, still down with Covid, very weak, can't see anyway.  Jazzy pulls Kodie's collar off, well yesterday she lost it, they have a huge place full of bushes and wild growth, impossible to find, so I had to put Lucky's faded pink worn out collar on him and of course the carabiner and tag are gone too so will have to get ones when I go to town in a couple of weeks.

They said we had a cold front moving in but the nights were warmer!  Lots of wind, branches down, always a lot of exercise for me!  I need to get more wood in today...and cook.

I hope all goes well with the mortgage, insurance, etc, I don't envy you.  Do you know anyone that can refer a local lawyer to you?  Here I ask on FB Oakridge Chat for stuff like that, it helps to get locals referrals.  The good part about a small town.  You're probably in a large city...

I hope you have a good day, my friend!  Kodie took a long nap when we got home yesterday, he was worn out after playing hard for 7 1/2 hours!

 

[Tachi]

How is Iris doing? She is blessed by your help. I think alot of kids these days are raised to be selfish. I know yours were raised the right way. 

Guess thats one drawback to that area, things being spread out. Im not fond of driving anymore. i certainly dont like the city traffic. 

Sorry to hear mike still down, guess thats a long recovery, is he any better and its just a slow process?

Your weather sounds fun except for the damage. Ive always liked dark clouds and wind and rain. Its cool (60s) today and drizzling on and off. The air smells so good and has that certain quality to it. used to call this weather from dreaming. i'd dive into a book or a movie or write. reminds me of being that lil guy dreaming up a storm.

the first hospital dad was in was a maze. you could tell it was older and they added on to it. Too big. 

Talked to an atty today and boy did I find a good one. he's been in practice maybe 40 years and also runs a Title company. Should have gone to see him immediately. here's what he told me. 

Dont tell anyone Dad has passed unless you have to. he suggested i didnt need to worry about paying the mortgage because who are they going to foreclose on? Of course ive already sent in the forms to let them know the house is mine. And that I will be selling and paying the mortgage. 

he works with guys who buy homes, fix them up, and sell for a profit. he said do the estate sale or sales and then let him know and he can get the house sold in 24 hours. they could even buy the home and lease it to me for a couple months for $10 a month til I find a new place. This also frees me up from doing any work on the house or yard. 

he agreed with the way im splitting the estate $ w/ my brother. 

Oh and no probate. he saw no reason to probate as described to him. he referred a guy who can come look at the possessions and assign a general value and he suggested I take pictures of everything in the house as a record. 

he was thinking if it all went well I could have the house sold before Jan1.

I think he is legit and if so this solves alot of problems for me. I expect my brother will try more bs as we get near selling the home but its not his decision. 

Of course im nowhere near ready to look for a job. i was counting on being here maybe 6 months. Using that time to try and get some basic IT skills so I can at least apply. Lots to think on and its all looking like its going in a totally different direction. But if I can get this done it will or 'should' put me in the best position i can be in. Depending on Job and his Investor friends also have rent houses.

At some point I need to empty dads safety deposit box, where the bank mgr hates me. Im guessing they will want dads approval. At that point I have an atty to help me out. Im guessing he expensive but I am thinking hes also very good.

So, lots to think about and do.

Bro wants to resume video chats next week, so he can gaslight me and try and gain control. he is sadly mistaken. If i told him what i heard today he would go nuts lol. he will try and stall and tell me to go slow. So he can think of something to do to get his way. Nope

Kodie i guess is like a lil kid, plays with abandon and sleeps with abandon. I kind of remember those days.

Funny thing about this atty, he is two blocks away. i passed it every day and thought several times to go in. glad I finally did. I dont think I can get things done as fast as he outlined but I think his plan is solid. My mind is trying to remember all he said as i look at my scrawny notes.

tonight I will relax and enjoy what rain we get. I think of my folks and I have regrets that I didnt do better or more by them. But thats useless now, you cant fix it. It latches on to the sorrow. but its out of place.

take good care, scratch kodie's ears for me

[kayc]

It's okay to feel regrets as long as you relegate them to where they belong...the past, forgive ourselves, move on from those thoughts.  You're right, they do no good now for us, for them. 

Kodie didn't get his playdate yesterday, Jazzy was in trouble for taking off and refusing to come back, she knew Iris was mad.  Somehow she broke her collar, not sure how, sounds suspect to me, I've never had a dog break one, makes me wonder as I know they can be heavy handed with her, when we went over there, she was sitting in her cage, can't move, no food/water in there, not even a blanket.  I don't treat dogs like that.  I don't know what went through Kodie's mind as he saw that.  He would not like that for sure.  I gave Iris a new collar I had, too big for Kodie.  I'm still waiting on Kodie's new tag as Jazzy pulled his collar off a week ago and lost it somewhere under the brush on their property, I looked everywhere but never found it.  Will be relieved to get his tag, at leastt he got his new collar yesterday.

I'm so glad you found this lawyer, it feels a relief to know you're on the right path and alleviate the unknown/concerns when you aren't sure about something.  Your brother seems the biggest obstacle, let him jaw and release it immediately.

I hired my maintenance guy to clean Peggy's gutters/downspouts, he said it hadn't been done in at least six years because it was plugged with pine needles and he took the tree down from her neighbor's six years ago, ha!  Life in a small town, can't get away with anything!    I told her it needs done annually so as to not do damage to her siding.  Lord knows how long it's been splashing over on it.
Kodie and I brought her lunch yesterday, she had eye surgery right eye day before so can't see yet, but better than the day of.  Still nothing in the left eye.

Mike was on oxygen last night, exhausted, his trip to the eye doctor the day before wore him out, esp. since Iris had to get groceries and they were gone all day.  Their life is hard right now.  It'll be nice when his daughter comes to help next week.

My friend and I are going to work on a late "pastor appreciation day" for this Sunday as it got missed during Covid and he's feeling discouraged, so is his wife, she retired w/o fanfare, so did Laurel and I, but they need encouragement right now esp. after the Covid month they've had!  Do NOT want them leaving!  I don't think they realize how much they mean to us, people can't read our minds.

You have some plans in place and you will get through this!

 

[Tachi]

I think it will take some time and for me to sell the house and find a life of my own. It was the ruin of my Life to not work for 4 years but then i'd do it again no hesitation. i do wish i would have understood better. Probably always will. Tho I understand it must sink in emotionally.

Probably get to tak to my bro tomorrow, cant wait to see what he will do to try and cheat me. now he's claiming dad told him his wife should have the ring. meaning just give it to her. Not going to do that, hes a liar and a bad one. 

I dont treat animals that way either, thats cruel. They are totally dependent on us for their well being. kodie got lucky I think and got a good mom. You got lucky getting him too of course.

Good thing Peggy has you. She cant keep up with things. dad was the same way. Theres alot that goes into keeping up a house and it seems expensive. I will miss the yard and not being able to get it fixed.

be happy when mike and Iris have help. it really takes alot to recover from pneumonia. Ive read some people from the covid kind take longer. is he slowly getting better?

How did the Pastor Appreciation day go? Sounds like a heartfelt day. 

Thank you for your encouragment, it is sorely needed. yes, my brother is the big impediment to this all working. Its hard enough w/out that. 

Scratch kodie's ears for me. take good care, hope you have some downtime to relax,

[kayc]

I don't know that Mike has pneumonia, but Dan did (another friend).  They were both hit hard from Covid, it's a long crawl back to the land of the living.  They must wonder if they'll ever be well again.  Dan's son is getting married in five days, he's the best man, I hope he's able to be there.  It'll set him back physically just like Mike's going out of town the the eye doctor and getting groceries did him, even though he just rode and didn't do anything.  This stuff knocks some people down.  I don't think Peggy could survive it and esp. being a smoker.  She dropped her phone outside the other night (she goes outside to smoke) and couldn't see to get it back, she's lucky it didn't rain!  I stopped and checked on her the next day.  She shouldn't take it outside.

Mike's daughter will only be here two weeks, so she's taking Iris for her first chemo treatment today, not sure she'll be here for the next one.  I go to the allergy doctor tomorrow, my tongue is covered in sores tip all the way back, and wouldn't you know, it's predicted to snow tonight/tomorrow, that's my luck.

The pastor appreciation day went really well.  We had to pass the kleenex around.  The open mic session took up most of the service as people cried their way through telling them what they meant to them, how they appreciated them both.  There were a lot of cards for them and the cake turned out well.  Turns out he had a job offer where his parents live (he's been driving there most weekends after church to take care of his mom, she has dementia real bad).  They're not leaving.  My heart stopped when I learned he'd had a job offer there!  So did Laurel's.  We hadn't known this.  

I have to admit I feel angry about people like your brother, all they seem to do is make things more difficult instead of helping.  I don't understand how one can be so selfish.  I'm glad you don't fall for it, hold your own!

Enjoy the yard and some time out in it!  

[Tachi]

Its a nasty virus thats for sure. Pneumonia takes alot out of people and so does this virus it seems. maybe its been a blessing for me to be at home all this time. But I dont think it will ever be over.

The broker came today. he sorted the jewelry and explained appraisals. theyre for Insurance and mean nothing for sales. Most items only reap 10-20%. many old items are only valued for the stone and/or the metal to melt down. I had looked at the appraisal sheets. Which are 30 years old and I think cover what my folks had in their antique shop. 50k...I saved out the ring my brother wanted and a couple others and the guy paid me 5500. I should never have looked at the appraisal sheets as it fooled me. he was recommended by the atty and has a good record, nice guy, explained everything well. just not going to get value for old jewelry. maybe I got taken advantage of. Didnt feel like bargaining or arguing. Didnt think id get any more from any other source. just feel like I failed that one.

there were a few other items he might have someone like and he took pictures so will see. Its very sad to me that things like all the antique furniture which has good value will go for very little. just really sad I guess.

Poor Peggy. they should make cases again that attach to your belt by a cord. I remember they made that for keys. 

wow, wonder what youre allergic to thats doing that. You arent having good luck. hopefully the snow wont be bad. 

Poor iris, praying her treatments go well. they have alot going on.

I know the pastor appreciated the sentiments. is good to have hard work recognized. The broker explained that the things my brother wants if he does sell them wont be worth what he thinks. The print you can buy for 1600 but selling it may get just a fraction of that. hes going to pay alot to have it shipped. Personally not worth it. I think the only things I will tak away are some cookware, everyday silverware and the bigscreen TV. Thats it. 

Curious to see what the life insurance is. dads old employer was paying into it til he retired but its been invested for 30 years or so. Doubt its much but a mystery.

Take good care of Khodie, and yourself of course. What would you ever do if you got a week off?

 

 

[kayc]

Re my trip to allergy specialist yesterday:
No answers, wants me to see a gastroenterologist (cancer? Candida? Infection?) I've already been on a broad spectrum antibiotic, it didn't help, I take Acyclovir, it hasn't helped, I went through double thrush treatment twice, that didn't help, the only pics I've found looking like it are thrush and allergy. I'm discouraged and scared, I welcome your prayers. Also wants me to see ENT, my friend's had the same thing over two years and been to countless ENTs with no help...

You haven't failed anything!  You are an attentive caring son who has devoted his life to helping your dad and working your tail off on this and believe me, your brother would not have done as well or been as sacrificial, so feel good about what you've accomplished, both before and after your father's death.

I dropped by my sister's Sunday, needed to get home to Kodie so in a hurry and she drops a bomb on me...she wants me to just take Bert's ashes with me and dump them at the park, over the bridge.  WHAT???!!  I asked her, don't you want to BE THERE when his ashes are scattered???  She said, "He's not there..."  Okay.  I feel I wasted my time/effort having my neighbor make this beautiful wooden box for his ashes.  I feel the way she's handling this doesn't show proper respect and honor to her husband of 50 years!  I was floored.  I didn't take them.  I STILL think it should be planned and she should be there.  Am I wrong for feeling this?  I feel I have more regard for him than she does!  I don't get it.  I need to discuss this with my other sisters but Julie's going on a cruise, TG, her bdy, etc.  Right now I have my own issues at hand with my health greatly concerning me and no one to help or care.  It's been 14 months, she can wait a little longer, my sisters might want to be there for this, even my brother although he rarely is.

What would I do if I got a week off...hmmm, if I had my choice I'd take Kodie to the coast, but not the right time of year.  I know you were asking figuratively but still, it's something to ponder...

When it comes time, I have jewelry my daughter might want to sell on eBay, I think she'd do better than letting it go for 20% or whatever, but you are right, it fetches a fraction of what it's worth selling it whether to a broker, wholesale or secondhand place.  I dropped one of my black pearl earrings and Kodie chewed on it, broke the yellow gold that it dangled from, so needs new setting, just as easy to buy a new pair but people want as much used as new!  And of course it's hard to tell the color tones from a picture, may have to take the necklace to town to try and get a match.  No time for that now.  Kind of the least thing on my mind. 

What would YOU do if you didn't always have pressing demands?  

 

[Tachi]

Odd how the days pass, I lose track of time so easily. Time to start back doing Life. I just dont really feel like doing anything.

Prayers ongoing. I don't know anything about that. If its allergy then would think its something not obvious. hang in there and dont worry for the worst. The ENT guy could find it.

I explained to my bro about appraisal value vs sales value. The ring he wants was identified by the Broker who bought some other jewelry and places sales value at about 1/3 of the Ins value. Bro doesnt understand and think its not 'the ring'. he's convinced there's a ring thats worth $xx. Something is in dads safety deposit box and I need to go in this week and see if I can empty the box. dad said he put my name on it so will see.

Respect for ashes, I agree. Shes not thinkig fully, maybe she cant. Sounds like you need to care for yourself for a bit. You're so good helping out even when you're hurting. maybe it can wait a bit. If it were me, granted I wouldnt believe someone was in the ashes...but as a symbolic sign of respect. id go say goodbye. I dont visit my parents' graves. they arent there, theyre here. I think of them often and I talk to them. I still cut the top off a bell pepper and place it on the sink for Mom. 

What if you had a week off and no one needed a thing. You could relax, catch up on sleep, drink some hot cocoa or tea, make a pot of homemade soup, take kodie on walks. 

I dont know if I told you but got a letter that dad has a life insurance policy. they wont tell anything but bro and I are beneficiaries. his old employer funded it and its been sitting I guess drawing interest for 30+ years. Whatever it is will be a help. Its a mystery though. dad forgot he even had it. 

I looked up some china by the stamps on the bottom. very nice things but nothing real pricy. It just isnt unless you have a rare piece. It just  frustrates me we cant get good value, but I dont know that anytghing I can do will do better. the Broker is who advises on what gets value and how to get it. theres just no hope for it. have to start thinking the estate sale, and hope they will do it while im living here. i refuse to leave while they run it. i wont interfere but dont trust anyone to not mess with my things.

I would suggest that whichever of the kids will handle your estate know what and where. like the Life Ins, if they hadnt sent a letter i would have never known. At the start of covid Dad wanted to have an estate sale just to clean the house out. But then covid hit. Too bad we didnt get to have it. 

Honestly, things have settled down. The way we're going to sell the house I dont need to do anything to fix it up. For the estate rt now its more the odd phonecall, waiting, run an errand. I need to get back to studying and life. But i just have zero interest and energy. I'm guessing thats natural and I just need to start doing it anyway and then things will kick in. I had one life when dad was here and there will be another one thats just me. Im stuck in between. Need to strt creating my own life, establish traditions, ways of doing things etc.

What are you folks doing for Thanksgiving, getting together and such? does Kodie get some turkey?

take good care, praying you feel better.

[kayc]

I haven't heard from my kids so not sure if I'm doing anything for TG, one year I didn't come and told my son I wasn't invited and he said, just assume it but one Christmas they wanted to be alone, so IDK.  I'll probably have to touch base with him, but it doesn't seem my place to ask if I'm invited, I'd rather he extended an invitation, IDK.  Really hate that long drive and not get to talk to him anyway, but if my daughter and I ride together, at least I'll have her a few minutes.  When it's family get togethers the time w/grandkids is not the same as alone time with them.

Bethany doesn't let dogs get table scraps but I'd probably sneak him and Bruno a bite.  Hate her house rules.  
I just put up my tree, it's a memory tree and I do it in honor of my husband, I got him his first ornament, made him his first stocking, there's one of his "fishing hat", an ornament that looks just like it!  Also an ornament of a fish measuring stick, two bears first Christmas, also two snowman first Christmas, our ornament from our trip to Crater Lake, etc.  Sigh...

What is the meaning behind the bell pepper?  I've never heard of that.

You have what the probate said, your brother can suck a lemon, sorry, but he's always nothing but problems.  I'd like to see him give up HIS life as you have for nothing...he doesn't care about anyone that much.  Always me, me, me.  Ugh!

Sorry, not a photographer.  Here's a picture of the turntable cover my son crocheted for me, wish the pancake wasn't covering it!  But I took the picture to display the Keto Cinnamon Roll Pancake.  Other one not as clear.

 

[Tachi]

Everything says Christmas, esp the tree. Memory sounds like a good idea. Singing around the tree, hot cocoa. And you'll probably have snow.

So your hubbie was a fisherman. yet another reason id like him. Our entire family as well. I bet he had some tales. Did you go fishing with him as well? 

Moms family was mostly in Arkansas and we would spend months during Summer up there. My great uncle and aunts loved to fish and he lived on a lake. Those were good times. Dad had a small bassboat and fished a local lake for a few years. I dont think it mattered the fishing wasnt good. just the doing. 

Its been a long time since I enjoyed the holidays. they should wake up and invite you. At least give you the option of going. When I was married it was just all horrible lol. two visits to her family here. Which was me sitting on the end of a couch watching football and being ignored. Then in the evening dinner at my folks and eventually home for peace and quiet. It seems so odd to me now that I married her. I honestly dont understand why. I think I didnt wait for the right eprson just went for the first serious relationship. She later admitted she didnt love me when we got married. She married me to get away from her parents. joke was on her I guess. I'll tell that story sometime.

the tree bro sent is standing upright at least, the branches arent arranged open. I really dont care tbh. I put some things up in the room. 

Bell pepper-Mom loved the smell, so whenever she used one she left the top on the sink for the smell. 

memories. Bittersweet I guess, a double edged sword. Because those days are gone and we want to revisit those days. because we miss those we love. But I believe in the old saying, better to have oved and lost than to never have loved at all. From all accounts I think your hubbie was a very fine man. You have his love always and will reunite with him one day in Heaven. Your heart aches now but take solace in the times you had on this earth and that you will reunite again. Life isnt the 'now' and it isnt just the bad times nor just the good times. Life is all of it. its you, heart and soul. And its your husband because your hearts and souls are forever one. You have been truly blessed in Life. Life is painful and much sorrow. Thats a given for everyone. But for you and he there is a forever. You just have to wait a moment. A moment compared to the eternity you two will spend together. 

So, I say enjoy your memory tree, think with love and fondness on those times. feel warmed in your heart. 

That is good crocheting, very good. 

Wanted to ask, does Kodie have his own stocking? he's been pretty good this year he may need a bigger one.

Ive been dreading going to dad's bank to empty his safe deposit box. I thought surely theres something valuable. I told bro I found the ring and the broker appraised it at 8k, Mom told us 22k, she was quoting the Insurance apraissal figure. Which is 2-3 times the worth. Broker says tat rings 6-8k and a jeweler would take the stones out and make a new ring. old things just dont return much value these days. 

Oh, so I stopped at the bank and we opened the box and it was empty. dad was probably offered the box and it was free so he took it but never used it. The bank mgr who has always been rude to me had to help me. She was very nice. I hope that was real. 

the estate sale the Broker said should be good but it wont return alot of value. My brother just doesnt understand this stuff and im beyond caring anymore. he was convinced there was a ring worth 22k in that box and he was itchin to get it. When I saw it was empty I just laughed my behind off. 

The next mystery is the Life Insurance. AA paid for it and Dad either forgot or didnt know he had it so its been collecting a lil interest for 30 years. just mailed my claim form today so will see. 

I keep thinkin of you two fishing, I bet it was so beautiful out there and so much fun. 

Take good care of you and kodie. have a Happy Thanksgiving wherever it may be. There is something to be said for a quiet Thanksgiving. or the crazy one, kids running around, feeding the dogs under the table, brings back memories.

Oh, one thing I think I will take with me. Mom/s 'witch's globe'. Its old and from a time of wives tales and folklore and the remains of the old traditions. Its a beautiful globe of blown glass with patterns in it so the reflections are distorted. They hung em in windows so that at night when the witches would prowl theyd catch their reflection and be frightened away. There's so many quaint things that have passed from our culture.

take good care 

 

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Tachi said:

Did you go fishing with him as well? 

I did when I didn't have to work, but a lot of the enjoyment went out the window for me when I got allergic to it 37 years ago, we couldn't cook it in the house, I couldn't touch or breathe it, let alone eat it.  He could barbecue it outside so long as he cleaned the grill thoroughly afterwards.  Still, I loved going with him and sitting and enjoying the peace and nature and seeing his excitement when he got one!  I could help him clean them if I wore rubber gloves.  I used to love fishing myself before all this.  My latest allergy test showed I'm no longer allergic to fish...I have a very hard time believing it.  Some of the reactions I've had have been frightening.

I remember one Friday near the end of my workday (he had Fridays off) he came into my office with a big fish dripping and a grin ear to ear, I quickly whipped out a plastic bag to put it in...luckily even my boss was smiling over it!...carpet and all.  He gave it to my BIL.

14 hours ago, Tachi said:

Bell pepper-Mom loved the smell, so whenever she used one she left the top on the sink for the smell.

I love this!  So cute!  I'd do that just to remember her by!  A good memory.

Your XW...I'm so sorry.  I've been through four technically...1) insane/abusive/an animal!  I barely escaped with my life six years into it.  It was the worst experience of my life, topping even the horrible childhood I had.  2) Kids' dad, 23 years, cold, no love, no opening up to me, it was awful in it's own way, but I loved his family and we had two wonderful kids together.  It was complex, he was a Vietnam vet who should have gotten some help but didn't.  3) George, he was the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend, we adored each other and treated each other with respect, consideration, it was a very loving relationship and he was the best stepdad to my kids!  4) Con-John nothing more than someone who preyed on my vulnerability, having lost George and my grief fog (yes it's an actual thing!) and used my credit for $57,000 then quit his job and went into hiding with his GF in our new motor home...I got stuck paying for that and everything else....as one creditor told me "because I was the stable one easy to find."  Yay.  I also had two broken engagements, guys that broke my heart, commitment issues apparently.  One never did marry, he's ten years older than me.  The other took in his XW, dysfunctional as it was, he was drawn to the familiar.  Oh well!  See why I haven't dated since?!  I wasn't good at picking them.  I was an excellent wife to all of them.  My son once remarked he never saw anyone try so hard with them.  Yeah, that's me.  I've changed...I know what I want and what I don't want...don't figure I'll ever marry again but don't totally rule it out...it's in God's hands.  When I was younger I went from relationship to relationship...big mistake!  It's important to know who you are and value yourself.  I'm a wise old buzzard now, for all the good it does me!    I could write a "Mistake" book!

So your brother sent a tree you don't want?  I'm assuming artificial.  I am going to need a new one next year, this one's dropping needles like crazy but they said on the news they're hard to get and like everything else the price went up, I may wait and see if it goes down the year after.  Once up so long as I don't touch it maybe it'll quit shedding.

 

14 hours ago, Tachi said:

My brother just doesnt understand this stuff and im beyond caring anymore.

I'm glad...you can't please some people anyway.

Oh, Peggy got her glasses ordered yesterday, she's completely blind in the left eye, she let it go too long to do anything about it.  After her cataract surgery she's 20/25 in the right eye.  She refuses bifocals or progressives so I asked her if she got reading glasses, she said no, she got distance.  She doesn't drive or go sight seeing so not sure why.  She said she reads w/o her glasses.  She's been saying she couldn't read or see the t.v. so who knows what the truth is.  She refused anti-glare, telling the eye doctor she'd wear sunglasses over her own glasses...I had to chuckle.  Welcome to my world of her stubbornness!  I also laughed when she relayed her stubbornness with her caregiver.  Now THERE it came in handy!  Her caregiver is in a cult and if she had her way about it, she'd have thrown out ALL of her valuables and she'd never eat meat again!  Haha, good luck changing Peggy, gal!

14 hours ago, Tachi said:

Wanted to ask, does Kodie have his own stocking? he's been pretty good this year he may need a bigger one.

I've never done that for my pets although I always get them something special.  You're right, he really is a good boy.  Yesterday his leash came off his collar and he knew he was cut loose and yet he waited for me to re-hook him...I couldn't believe it!  Now THAT'S good!  Arlie would have been off and running, game on!  Although he never did leave our street.  Skye would have been mugshotted and paw-printed and found in the next county! 

So the plan is I will drive to my daughter's, she'll drive my car the rest of the way to my son's.  He's furnishing the meal and I'm bringing Keto Pumpkin Mug Cakes for those of us who don't do carbs.  So probably turkey, brussels, maybe salad, and my mug cake.  Sounds good to me!  It'll be a long day.

I hadn't heard of a witch's globe but it seems from folklore they did look into something.  That must have been rare to find.

I hope you find someplace to be on TG, it seems it's been a life ago when your mom had dinners...

[Tachi]

   Its sad because for the first few years I was home they struggled to find TG dinner. Ihop one year and another place the next. I discovered after Mom passed that the grocery store had turkey roasts. Smaller and just as tasty. So i'll have that turkey roast and stuffing and taters and gravy. Tbh I wouldnt be sad if I did nothing special, but its a good excuse to eat food I normally dont. 

Dad was stubborn like Peggy, maybe it comes with the dementia. Which is probably why she goes from saying one thing to another. I often wondered if they got no peace, no rest. just going from one perception to another. One time ok then a crisis. I pray she find peace and some contentment.

I had read that people only think to pray as a last resort. I was saying 'I hope' all the time and then add in 'I pray'. But thats backwards. So im changing. her caregiver is in a cult, oh my lol. Seems the last job they should have. Well the glasses should help at least somewhat.

Fishing is so peaceful and relaxing. George sounds like my Great Uncle. There are indeed few things like a good catch. And bbq/smoked fish is so yummy. Add in some hush puppies and taters and its heavenly. Im surprised your boss didnt want part of that fish lol. Would have been fun to see the look on his face. 

Wonder how your allergy started. Ive found out that we can change in many ways. maybe random or in response to environment. 

Exes...pffft...at least you survived. The resilience we have is amazing. Tbh I think many times the crazies know how to act to fool people. I was indeed dumb and gullible but she knew how to play the game. I wont ever remarry. Sometimes I think how it could have been in life. but then theres no point to that.

My best and last friend here was married to a recovering alcoholic and drug user. I got along well with her. But the way he described her she had many issues. Finally she went home to her folks. they called my friend and thanked him for trying so hard. In a way I feel sorry for the life they wasted. Some people you cant help. 

My brother is a trip. first it was study his idea just an hour a day. now its forget IT and spend all your time on my idea. I laughed and told him no. he really does need to stop. What he proposes is UX Design. the sourse takes approx 6 months and is supposed to be equal to a 4 year degree. then i can get hired for a well paying job. Except I have zero knowledge of design or the softwares needed. Like Illustrator. I dont know any design theory. Doubtful i get hired from this class. No idea why he feels like he has to tell me what I need to do. 

Really hope theres something with the Life Insurance, it would provide a cushion against the storm. 

is it not funny how Kodie just seems to know? He really is a very intelligent puppy. I think he is very special. 

Thanksgiving sounds fun. Good food too. Take good care and enjoy.

[kayc]

On 11/24/2021 at 11:55 PM, Tachi said:

Dad was stubborn like Peggy, maybe it comes with the dementia.

The dementia didn't cause Peggy's stubbornness, she has ALWAYS been that way, to the extreme!  Bert was exactly who she needed, he could hold his own with her.  The dementia didn't help any though.

On 11/24/2021 at 11:55 PM, Tachi said:

I had read that people only think to pray as a last resort. I was saying 'I hope' all the time and then add in 'I pray'. But thats backwards. So im changing.

So neat to hear that you're growing!  Life is continual learning, at least for me it seems.

On 11/24/2021 at 11:55 PM, Tachi said:

Im surprised your boss didnt want part of that fish lol.

I think Bryan would have gladly taken it had George offered it to him!  But George was out proudly showing his catch...he went to Bert's Fish'n Stuff and showed Bert (Bert had a tackle/etc store so it was his life!), gave it to him (he knew I couldn't eat it and never wanted to do anything w/o me...perhaps if my son had been home he would have.

On 11/24/2021 at 11:55 PM, Tachi said:

Wonder how your allergy started.

I had them even as a little girl but got most of my food allergies, to the extreme, when my son was born.  The doctor said it changes our hormones and that affects it.

On 11/24/2021 at 11:55 PM, Tachi said:

the crazies know how to act to fool people.

Exactly!  I know that's been true for me.  But at least I got one good one, I wish you could have experienced that too.  I wouldn't say never, just don't see it likely for me.  It seems everyone meets people with online dating, not me, I won't go there!  Do NOT need that!  Seems a good way to get fooled, then you're in over your head in emotions and sunk. 

On 11/24/2021 at 11:55 PM, Tachi said:

Some people you cant help.

NOT a good way to go into a marriage, good way to be in a dysfunctional relationship.  I used to try to "save people" but learned you don't make a dent and take yourself down in the process...now I'm picky about who I choose to spend my time with!  It's find to give a hand up, some need that, but never lose yourself in the process!  Not good relationship material!  My friend Jim is in that situation, codependent.  Oh well, as long as it works for them and they're happy.

On 11/24/2021 at 11:55 PM, Tachi said:

I laughed and told him no. he really does need to stop.

A good response!  Only problem is you find you'll continually have to rinse, repeat as he'll never listen/learn/change.  He's continually going to try and run your life!  So long as you don't cave in and pay him heed.  I know how bulldozers are, I'm so glad you resist!  Keep it up!  

On 11/24/2021 at 11:55 PM, Tachi said:

is it not funny how Kodie just seems to know? He really is a very intelligent puppy. I think he is very special.

I think so too!  He had a great time yesterday, long trip and all.  Bruno weighs in the 90s, Kodie 20, Bruno used to attack Arlie all the time, he viewed him as alpha, Kodie no, so Bruno is good to Kodie.  He's an older dog and I have to get onto Kodie for bugging him, but he really does handle himself well around Kodie.  Kodie adores him!

The only thing I could eat was the turkey, a bit of cabbage I had to pick the peas out for Kodie, no starchy carbs for me!  Good thing I planned ahead and brought Keto Pumpkin Mug Cakes with me!  Also brought Chia Seed Cereal for eating on the way home.  That was all I ate yesterday.  They had six rich desserts and high carb side dishes!  No brussels or salad this time.    I may need to bring some next time!

I hope you had good food to eat yesterday and enjoyed your day.  It was good to see my kids and grands although it seemed way too short a time, at least this year I could drive in the dark!  It allotted me a few extra hours.

[Tachi]

Dementia makes some traits worse indeed. It was always so hard to untangle, impossible. I was always so wary of being gaslighted. And never knew what was really going on. I think towards the end dad was just a sad and lonely old man, and I didnt see it. Our history kept me from it. But as always its too late for 2nd guessing. Bert must has really seen something in her. And thats the magic of love.

Its easy to see and to know, yet terribly hard to apply and change. Friend of mine told me in HS that one of my spiritual gifts is curiosity. Wanted to learn things all my life. Is terrible hard now to even concentrate but im trying. just cant stand to just accept who I happen to be. There's a better way.

To many guys and some ladies Bert had the perfect job. I bet that was alot of fun. Wonder if he went out and tested all the new stuff he got in.

Allergies. I had heard that birth changes what foods ya life and things like that but never thought of allergies. that must be difficult having a big family.

Yep, not looking to date or get married. IF I can get my life together all my spare time will be study and artwork. Besides which I feel ive nothing to offer. 

Relationships/marraige seem so crazy now. Too many people looking to take advantage, too many play games. I used to wonder about the seeming perfect couple. I know none are perfect but the ideal of spending your life growing with someone you love seems something worthwhile. 

My brother gets an idea in his head and just thinks its perfect. The idea for me to take a Google class and then get a job is ludicrous. Ive spent the weekend looking into it. Its a good field. Its not what I enjoy but its work. Unfortunately it takes alot more than a class. It delves into behavioural psychology, several softwares, lots of advertising and design theory. What gets me tho is his absolute lack of respect. Now Dad is gone hes trying to play father and I dont need a father. I dont need a brother to tell me what to do. i need an equal who respects me enough to butt out.

Sounds like you had a good Thanksgiving. Always good to see family. i had the turkey roast, mashed taters, dressing and gravy. good stuff.

Took some biscuit dough today and rolled em out, put almond pie filling in the middle, rolled it over, a lil brown sugar on top and had almond turnovers, wonderfull.

I need to call the estate sale people and make some plans. I know they dont like for someone to be in the home but I live here and dont trust anyone enough to be stuck in a hotel all day. Too many documents and my possessions. Dreading it.

Well, thats all the excitement for today. hope you get to relax some, scratch kodie's ears for me. take good care.

 

[kayc]

Is there a certain part of the house you can stay in while they're holding the sale?  I know when my son's house was showing, he had to stay in the motor home and his wife & kids went to her parents.  At the same time they were on a level 2 fire evacuation and the sky was so black from smoke you couldn't see let alone their normally gorgeous view!  Yet there were ten showings scheduled.  Amazing.

My all too short life with George was the best of my life, rating in there along with having my kids.  It was the only perfect relationship I've had, perfect for me, perfect for him anyway!  We truly adored each other and it showed in everything we said and did.  To me, that is how marriage should be.  Respect, kindness, love, caring.  I really miss him, he's been gone 16 1/2 years.  My life as I knew it...gone in the blink of an eye.  Life after is different.  We loved to go camping, go for rides, get together with friends, and he loved to eat!  But he loved to do everything!  He'd do chores around here first so we could be freed up to enjoy life together.  His holding me felt the best place in all the world to be.  I haven't felt that since.  He made me feel protected, loved.  I loved to cook for him, make him happy.  We enjoyed walks together and yes, fishing.

Bert used to go out on a lake, up to Odell with his boat, but in latter years he didn't.  He was 81 when he died, I hadn't realized he was that old, he really didn't look/seem like it.  I think he'd had stomach cancer for months but didn't complain, didn't see the doctor, it was early Covid, everything was on hold then.  All from Nexium.  They still have it on the market, and they knew all along it caused cancer.  It infuriates me.

I just found out Peggy's caregiver charges her $20 to bring her mail, she has to go a block out of her way to pick it up.  She does it twice a week, I was bringing it to her on Sundays after church, seems to me she should go back to that, rather than pay $160/month to get her mail!  I live 10+ miles from her in snow country, her caregiver isn't far at all.

Peggy and my BIL both ate turkey tv dinners and didn't like them, not as expected.  Polly ate a t-bone, sounds better.  I ate turkey but at least it was real meat vs the chopped up gravied, watered down t.v. dinner.

I finished up my Keto pizza last night, the crust is a different consistency, crumbly, but tastes good.  Toppings the same.  Kodie always on standby to "help."    To me the tradeoffs for my health are worth it, esp. seeing my aunt far gone w/dementia and Peggy on her way.  She seems to be doing better lately, she does NOT do well outside her home.  She needs familiarity.

I find it sad that you never had a good marriage relationship, I may not have had it as long as I would have liked, but at least I got to experience it.  I understand your mindset though, it's kind of where I'm at the last umpteen years...minus having to figure out career...I don't miss it much.

My sister Polly stumbled on my "Memories of Kitty" thread, she read it all.  Not sure where she ran across the link, she said something about FB/Instagram...I never post on Instagram and I do remember posting it on someone's FB once when they'd lost an animal, to show that writing can be a way of honoring your pet and processing your grief.  She hasn't seen my "Memories of Arlie" or "Living with Loss" threads, I gave Peggy a copy of the Arlie one because she wanted it.

I think writing can be a way of processing in our brain, you and I do it all the time and I think it helps with what we go through, plus it's neat to do it in a post rather than a journal, someone is on the other end, reading, responding.  I like that.  Esp. when one is alone all the time.

I hope you find a way to bring in sustainable income in a way you ENJOY and not like pulling teeth.  I loved how you summed it up with your brother...yes you need him to just show respect and bow out.

 

 

 

[Tachi]

I can just stay in my bedroom with a bathroom across the hall. I'd only need to come out for lunch. Only alternative would be to get a lock and install it on the bedroom door. There are a few things like my dads PC that wont be for sale that cannot be lost. I get why they dont want people there and I'm fully capable of behaving and leaving them alone. I also have a full cupboard of food. most anything else not for sale i'll stash in my room. Too late to do it this month so hopefully january.

George sounds like your soulmate. I know this may sound dumb but at least you found him and had time together. you will spend eternity together. 

Isnt it amazing how drug companies get away with anything. When people warn about the truth of it they are labelled 'conspiracy nuts'. Anymore when I hear someone called that i listen more carefully.

Peggy's caregiver taking advantage....how sad is that. how caring is that. its scary as can be to think one day I may have to rely on people I dont know and dont have a choice about. 

TV Dinners at one time when I was a kid were really good. But I didnt know better. Now theyre junk. I ate Taco Bell last night. I used to think it was good mexican fast food. It was horrible. I ate half and threw the rest out. I cook so much better than that. Ive noticed that many foods, TV shows, movies and more that were wonderful years ago arent acceptable. I guess ive changed. In fact I also find that most new things arent good. i can watch a show and to me most are not well made. Its like entertainment is created by some formula and theres no craft. Food same way. I have yet to find a place with decent fries that arent skinny and all fried crust and not soggy. Oh well.

My Mom needed familiarity near the end too. dad was all about doing things his way, different. Mom needed her routine. I heard them arguing one night. Mom saying  that it wasnt her routine. I think dads dementia even at that time over rode everything else. When he was in rehab hospital he gave her his shortcut. I wrote an easy route down, drove her that way so she could see it. But dads confused her and she got lost. dad I think had such an ego with his narcissism that he always had to do things a different way, his way. he was proud of it. It made him feel superior. Even small things like how you held your glass getting water from the fridge door. 

Kodie is the food tester. he has to make sure the ingredients are safe lol.

During our lives we dream of many things. like many young people I had no real clue growing up. After going through my divorce etc I learned many lessons. But it also crippled me. I think I saw the games my ex played in every relationship afterwards, even where it didnt exist. And i didnt want games. Looking back now there were several girls I could have and should have tried making a life with. but sabotaged it. Not that I knew and understood, but my head was turned around and my heart was in a sad place. But its a bit late now. We just have to accept and go on.

Yes, writing is good therapy. I have been thinking of doing a blog just to get it out of my head but you know how things go. I have some story ides, just no skill. maybe I should blog the ideas out anyway.

Yup, smart people wait until you ask an opinion or help. But lucky for me hes a narcissist and he assumes im stupid and cant make decisions so he has to have me do what he thinks is best. Funny how he has no problem judging others and thinking he can tell them what to do. in these things he's just like dad. My problem is im stubborn lol. But I will be honest as well and im looking at his suggestion. It is a good field and it is interesting. Not a great interest for me, not my first choice. But if I can break in I would be able to make enough. problem is bro has no idea what hes talking about when he says take this 6 month course and its enough to find a job. That simply isnt true. Shortest timeline ive seen from people in the business is a year. there are other disciplines you need to know, like cognitive psychology. there are some softwares to master. And theres the age factor. Altho there are people later in life in the field they are mostly veterans of the field. me breaking in will be a longshot.

That said breaking into IT would probably be at helpdesk, which pays alot less. And still not a sure bet. I wont have the time to grow in that field. But then I need to find out some things about social security. I read yesterday that they limit how much you can make drawing SS until full retirment age at 67. It said that after 67 you can make as much as you like. But i'd always thought the opposite was true. As long as you draw SS you cant make more than 19k. maybe 19k plus SS will be enough but I doubt it. 

Anyway, going to try and get some holiday cakes or cookies. 

I'm going cold turkey. No alcohol or caffeine. I dont really eat sugar anyway but no candy or sugary breads or cookies. I'll have to be careful.

Take good care and scratch Kodies ear for me.