How Loneliness Got Me in Trouble

[mbbh]

Another loss... And another... And another... And another.

I am sick of it. My John died 19months ago. 9 months later, his mother joined him. 9 months later, just 4 weeks ago today, his father joined them both. John's parents were elderly and in poor health. Their deaths were expected and they were ready. John's was neither. I need him here. 

About 2 months ago I reconnected with a high school boyfriend. We had not seen each other in decades. I invited him over knowing this relationship would never work. We are too different and there were other reasons. Nevertheless, there was a spark and I am lonely. I invited him in and 1 thing led to another it it got out of hand and I was sexually assaulted.

Sexually assaulted because of grief and loneliness. I need my husband back. I do. I need him. I am hurt and long for John. I don't know what else to do. I cannot keep this up. 

Mary Beth

[Gwenivere]

Oh MB!  Did you call someone?  Are you safe now?  What a horrible thing to have happen no matter when but especially now.  I cannot even imagine how you feel.  We so want to trust people will respect our mourning and know much of what we do is from the loneliness without our true love.  To violate that is just evil. I don’t know what to say as I don’t know how I would handle it.  I’m so proud of you for posting it.  I truly hope you are not blaming yourself.  I trust the others here will have better words than I do.  I’m so sorry this happened to you.  

[mik]

I hope that you are able to get through this. I am sorry this happened to you. Are you able to talk to a good friend or counselor?  It is just horrible that there are people out there that take advantage of us when what we need most is kindness and understanding.  Don't blame yourself for this.  Monsters lurk in all places.  My prayers are with you.

 

 

 

[MartyT]

Mary Beth, my dear, let me add my voice to others here, as I strongly encourage you to seek outside professional support to guide you through the traumatic experience you've just described, and I pray that you will do so as soon as possible. You are worth it and you deserve it. This is way too much for you to bear alone. I am so very sorry . . .

[kayc]

Oh my dear Mary Beth, I hope you reported it.  Too many do not because of fear of the stigma, but I want to assure you THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!  It is on him and he owes it to pay for what he did and not be able to do it to someone else.  You may not feel up to the fight, but I do hope you'll call a hotline.  I've been through this three times (one rape, two attempts by some miracle I managed to fight off) and in those days the police asked what you did to cause it and I didn't know of anyone to call...I remember washing and washing.  I was 16 and innocent and didn't even understand what happened to me.  I didn't tell anyone for years, but it is essential to get counseling for it. 

CALL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE 1-800-656-4673

I am so sorry.  This can happen to anyone at any time, it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong, I hope you understand that.  We're all in your corner.

Message me if you want to talk, okay?  (((big hugs)  And I want to commend you for your bravery in telling us, that took courage and it's a good first step!

 

[mbbh]

Thanks ya'll.

I only professionally reported it to our local rape crisis line and my therapist.. I told a few friends. I have chosen not to pursue legal routes. I have worked with too many women through the years who were persecuted and I have not told my family. Just can't.... Too much. I have blocked him on social media and on my phone. He called a couple of times and the morning after he called to let me know he "enjoyed seeing me" the night before. I almost threw up. The truth is, I am trying not to blame myself and I don't, but I do take some responsibility here. Just not the assault. 

I am seeing a therapist who is helping me through this. I am finding myself isolating more, which is one reason I reached out here. 

I am preparing to start grad school in August, am cutting my work load in half, and am in the throws of a deep grief reaction. I cannot handle one more thing. 

Thank you all for your support. Feel relieved to have shared. 

[Shoosie2]

MB

I am SO sorry this sleeze took advantage of your vulnerable situation. KayC gave you good connections on the Sexual Abuse Hotline. While I understand the feelings right now of not wanting to involve Law Enforcement,  it would still be good to have this assault on record somewhere. I don't know if there is a statute of limitations on sexual assault, but later on, when you feel strong enough, you may think 'hey, you  S___T- you don't get off scott-free and do this to some other vulnerable woman!'  Just know that we are all there for you and supporting you through whatever decision you make. Please don't blame yourself- he's the one who assaulted you, not the other way around.

Be gentle with yourself. Grad school will be a busy time for you, and your grief only complicates the workload. You are making in-roads to a new life, so give yourself LOTS of kudos for stepping forward!  Well done and onward!

Peace to all my grief brothers and sisters

Steph

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm so very sorry this happened to you.  As if your life hasn't had more than enough trauma and loss. 

I hope that you will hold your head high and do whatever it takes to help yourself feel better.  

Hugs to you Mary Beth.

[kayc]

Mary Beth,

My offer still stands any time you want to talk, message me, I'll give you my number.  You have a lot on your plate.  Right now you probably just want to block it all out, I don't blame you.  But I also know we can't wipe it away just because we'd like to...Steph's point taken.  I'm glad you have a therapist working with you and you're setting some goals, wow!  

Just don't ever think what this sleazeball  did was at all okay.  You wanted someone to spend time with, care about you, not assault you!  Big difference!  It's so wrong for anyone to take advantage when you're vulnerable.  Anyone with any morality would have been protective of you not assaulted you.  I'd hate to be him when Karma comes calling...

[Marie Lee]

Wow! So very sorry MB.. no words to add just sending a hug to you 

[Margm]

There has been a lot of fighting back lately with the "me too" movement.  Would probably not hurt to have this guy's name on a police record, even if you don't press charges, there may be someone that will and it would not hurt/would be on record to watch out for him in the future.  There might be someone that it happens to that he might hurt physically, and his name would be on record anyhow.  I don't know how to do that, but I'm sure your therapist would.  The slogan "Make America Great Again" seems to want to put everyone back into the 1950's.  While I was a child then the laws have changed.  My dad sold our house without my mom signing and she strove for women's rights after that.  Probably the only thing she ever let him get by with and since he heard about it every day the rest of his life, I don't think he got by with anything.  We all get knocked down, but we don't have to stay there.  We have lost our mates, but we still have a life to live.  I certainly wish you well and hope things get easier.  It is not an easy path to be on.

[kayc]

I agree, Marg.  I'm a "Me Too".  I went through so much harrassment in my earlier years working in an office.  I reported it to the corporate headquarters only to be told, "If it comes between you and him, guess who is going to go?".  They did nothing in those days.  I don't remember those years fondly.  Today might seem crazy but back then was not a good time to be a woman.  I am stunned by the t.v. shows from the 60s and 70s when they rerun nowadays, like The Mary Tyler Moore Show.  So sexist!  We didn't notice it much at the time.  The times have changed, now it hits us like water thrown in the face!

I know, Mary Beth, that you are feeling the trauma and it is paralyzing.  But I honestly feel if/when you take an action against him to stand up for yourself, it will be liberating, you will feel that regaining of your power.  And we'll all be here right here behind you in full force cheering you on.  When you're ready.  Just like I tell my daughter.  Right now is the hard place to be in, but when you stand up, it will feel better.  I hope you get some counseling for it.  And I hope you realize that by sharing your story with your children, they will not feel less for you, they will want to be there for you.

[Cookie]

On ‎06‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 8:15 PM, mbbh said:

Another loss... And another... And another... And another.

I am sick of it. My John died 19months ago. 9 months later, his mother joined him. 9 months later, just 4 weeks ago today, his father joined them both. John's parents were elderly and in poor health. Their deaths were expected and they were ready. John's was neither. I need him here. 

About 2 months ago I reconnected with a high school boyfriend. We had not seen each other in decades. I invited him over knowing this relationship would never work. We are too different and there were other reasons. Nevertheless, there was a spark and I am lonely. I invited him in and 1 thing led to another it it got out of hand and I was sexually assaulted.

Sexually assaulted because of grief and loneliness. I need my husband back. I do. I need him. I am hurt and long for John. I don't know what else to do. I cannot keep this up. 

Mary Beth

Oh mbbh:  Just read this....how completely horrible for you.  I hope you did get some help for this.  I can't imagine having that happen as if you didn't have enough to deal with.  Please take care, fondly Cookie