The club no one wants to join

[Gwenivere]

Such an obvious observation, Kieron, that I sometimes think we forget.  We have faced the worst.  If only we could say we survived it as in its over and things are back to normal.  I’m going to try and remember that too, but I know it will be a struggle.  Before we lost them, the worst kept shifting and in its intensity and would end til the next one.   Now we have this huge pain that is forever and, for me, is not easing in the slightest.  I didn’t know it could get worse as it has. I just went out for the mail and run Steve’s vans realizing I need to take it for a drive and put gas in it.  Had to transfer oxygen and other things.  It still has an ashtray as we both smoked when he was here.  Should run it thru the car wash too.  These are things that emphasize the worst.  I’ll do them in a numb state and crash later.  

[kayc]

20 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I usually tell myself before walking out the door to face one of those appointments, etc., "This time tomorrow, it will be in my past."

I like that, I often remind myself, "Tonight this will be behind me and I will be relaxing."

[Kieron]

Yesterday was a bad one.  Just some random hits, a bit like being body-slammed, of recollecting that yes, this is real, and yes, this has happened.  It's difficult to believe how 3 years passed.  I'm at the point where I have to stop and add up the years.  I wonder what that signifies.

I think part of yesterday was reading an online newspaper article about a police officer or peace officer who was shot by a sniper in 1970, in Minnesota, and died.  The article had a photo of his widow and their 3 adult kids she raised alone.  There was a "rolling memorial" by her house, versus in the cemetery (there's that Covid thing again) and the chief of police presented her with roses in his memory.  In the photo, she was shown in profile, with the classic hand-to-mouth gesture that we know so well.  And I thought, 50 years, and the grief is still there.

And then I received a photo from Mark's cousin who sent me a picture of the sapling tree planted in his memory.  It's leafing out beautifully and has more branches than when I was there to visit 18 months ago.  I'm glad it made it through the winter.  So I guess that's something.

 

[Gwenivere]

I don’t find it odd or anything adding up years.  It used to be days, weeks and months.  I am shocked when I realize the years and how long it has been.  I find it explains so much of my attitude now.  I can invision the pic of the hand to mouth sadness as I still do it myself.  

I had another classic morning of thinking of something and in that twilight sleep before getting up saying to Steve we need to talk about  something and distinctly heard him saying Ok, once you’re up we will.  That’s worse than waking up knowing he’s gone.  Now his voice is in my head for the day.  Always things to talk about but can’t.  

I can’t turn off the counting.  I don’t even try to do it, it’s just a runnng clock in my head I occasionally get to hit the snooze button on.

[kayc]

I can see someone still grieving after 50 years if they're still alive, my mom was for 33 years.

[Kieron]

Not a good day today....

It occurred to me this morning that I am now the same age as Mark was when we met in 1998.  As if that weren't enough, I was in a grocery store earlier today and noticed someone who vaguely resembled him, from the side and from a distance, but didn't think much of it until we happened to converge in the checkout line, him getting in ahead of me.  Resemblance turned into identical from that perspective, right down to a his balding spot and slight tear in his polo shirt at the shoulder seam (a long story, some other post some other day).  I had to turn around and go to the other end of the store to compose myself.  That was a first real live doppelganger I've encountered so far in these last 3+ years.  I've heard of this happened to other people but it was a first for me.

[Gwenivere]

I haven’t had someone come that close, but close enough.  I don’t know what I’d do, probably what you did.  Way back when, before the loss, I definitely would have said something to them about the resemblance and then Steve when I got home.  He’d probably have said  did you grab him like you do me to kid me about it.   That’s a huge trigger I would have been so blindsided by, Kieron.  How did you handle it after getting away?  

[KarenK]

Kieron, what an awful double whammy day for you. Not sure how I would have handled it, but it would definitely be a shock to the system although it's said that we all have a doppelganger. Hope the rest of your day goes more smoothly.

[kayc]

Kieron, I had that happen once, also from behind, his head/neck looked just like George's...it also threw me for a loop.  I hope it didn't knock you down for too long...

 

[Kieron]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 How did you handle it after getting away?  

Just read some ingredient labels for awhile, long enough to compose myself and for him to exit the store.  I think in retrospect, since he had a face mask on in the store, it wasn't noticeable I found myself in line behind him.

[Kieron]

It's hard to believe I've been part of this place for 2 years now.  😲  Where did the time go?  I think I found it by searching for the terms "grief" + "second year" as it was hitting me like whammo at the time, which would have been 18 months or year and a half.  I read somewhere that this point is a hard milestone.  i certainly found that to be true at the time.

[Gwenivere]

And it will still keep hitting milestones.  I’ve never thought I’d be free from it, but always surprised at the new ways it finds to affect my life.  2 years was big, 5, there will always be the holidays, birthdays and that added date they left us.  A date for most that meant nothing now branded onto our heart.  It’s also a date that never had or will have any positive connotation.  

[Kieron]

Yeah, it's a little like being a pool ball and occasionally being knocked by a passing ball and rolling a little ways away.  And sometimes you get knocked into the hole and you're out, for that game anyway.  😒

[Margm]

Kieron, good analogy.  

[Kieron]

I haven't had much to say lately... more potential losses on the horizon have me kind of preoccupied.  Long story short, my dad who is 75 and a lifelong diabetic, has had chronic foot issues for a while now, culminating in amputation of toes on one foot 2 weeks ago, after heroic attempts to fend off this outcome.  The surgery site looks good, comparatively, but now he has developed pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital for it.  He was tested for You Know What, but it was negative so that rules that out.  But now my mom is talking about downsizing further to a more accessible home, and there is a lot of work needing to be done --just cosmetic stuff vs structural, thankfully.  So aging parents, housing, etc is now an undeniable reality for me.

And it's odd because I had been downsizing, myself, and considering relocating, due to various factors, but just couldn't gather the energy or find the right place or figure out future work, etc.  So it seems like Life is forcing some decisions on us all, in this regard.

I just wonder how and how much all this will stir up the sediment, so to speak. 

[kayc]

Are you considering moving WITH your parents then or am I reading something into this you aren't considering?

I'm sorry about your dad, gosh, I'll be 70 next year, I fight diabetes each and every day of my life, know the reality all too well.  While I am controlling it after 11 1/2 years, it takes everything within me to do so, and it's very possible the thrush I've been battling for six weeks is due to it, eating the correct diet for it, etc but still it's out of control.

Sometimes life just adds up to crap, sorry!  We do our best with it.  

It doesn't seem to take a lot to "stir it up," does it?

[Kieron]

thanks, Kay.  No, just had been thinking of relocating closer by, but not live with.  So now I don't know if this will delay my own move.  Probably it will change my trajectory in some way.

Ya know, I know people (friends, relatives, others) who move every 2 -5 years.  I can't fathom uprooting myself like that.  I've been here 20+ years.  But it seems like I may have to.  Thankfully I got rid of a lot of crap over the last 4 years and am down to the essentials and the nice-to-have, so I am miles ahead of where I was.  But contemplating packing up and transporting it all makes me tired just to think about it.  And the cat will hate it.  She hates commotion and change.  Just going to the vet is an ordeal for her.

[Gwenivere]

I can see the stress this would cause.  Aging parents and moving, not light subjects.  My parents are long gone, but the thought of leaving my home is akin to a nightmare for my mind.  The house itself is a comfortable size even when it was 2 humans and 2 furry kids.  It’s the music studio and garage and carport that makes it seem so large.  I rarely use the garage.  Park in the carport and never use the studio now.  Used to brush dogs out there after all the music left.  There is a lot of extraneous 'stuff'.  But it all meant so much before and is familiar now.  I can’t imagine having to decide on what to take or leave.  It definitely stirs up a lot of emotion.  

I hope your dad will recover well and soon.  It’s so hard to see those people that were/are our heroes struck low by time and age, even ourselves.

[Kieron]

no, they definitely aren't light subjects.  he's doing somewhat okay, but short of breath and lower O2 saturation on exertion during occupational therapy in hospital, so that's a little worrisome but at least he's in the right place.  The past year or so of enforced sedentary lifestyle, to keep off the feet, has resulted in reduced muscle tone and balance etc.  it's a no-win.

I hear you, Gwen, there is a lot of emotion attached to this house of mine but nevertheless, I feel ridiculous occupying it alone.  Some of the dilemma is that external factors (increase in crime, reduced public safety, the likelihood of more unrest when the cops are on trial next month) and internal (wanting to see what else there is in life, or, do I really want to stay in this exact position in life for another decade?).  All complicated by the additional layer of this frickin pandemic.

[kayc]

You're miles ahead of me, I feel the burden of all this "stuff" I need to get rid of but need help with doing so, it feels like a weight around my neck.  43 1/2 years in the same place.  I wish someone would removed everything and I could just put back what I need and most want.  With my continual pain not sure I'll ever be able to.  

Again, one day at a time.  Wishing you the best with your dad and so glad he doesn't have you-know-what.

[widow'15]

On 2/7/2021 at 7:09 PM, Kieron said:

But now my mom is talking about downsizing further to a more accessible home, and there is a lot of work needing to be done --just cosmetic stuff vs structural, thankfully.  So aging parents, housing, etc is now an undeniable reality for me.

Kieron:  Sorry to read about your Dad's health and what you are facing with possibly moving your parents.  The reality of such a major life changing task opens so many doors of pain and sadness.  I am going through the reverse of where you are standing.  My son has been in your position this past year dealing with preparations to move me, sell my home, downsizing, etc.  Your parents, as well as I, are blessed to have a caring son to help us along this emotional path.  Are you an only child or do you have siblings nearby ?  I wish you the best as you face this enormous task and hope your Dad's health remains stable through all of this.  Dee

[Kieron]

Thanks, Dee.  I'm an only child so it kind of falls to me but I don't mind, and besides there are many relatives nearby or willing to come, although what with You Know What, who knows whether that's possible.  As of today he's still in the hospital, and has trouble breathing when he lies down, so had a chest X-ray at 10 am, still waiting for answers when they called me at 4pm today.  I have some ideas as to what is unfolding. 😯  He sounded alert, but somewhat breathless at times.  I feel for my poor mother... I can feel what may be coming and my heart breaks.  She's been having anxiety and insomnia the longer this goes on, and she mentioned the other evening that she wishes she had "helped you out more" when Mark was deteriorating.  I told her to stop that line of thinking as it's water under the bridge, and that it was the professionals who had failed us, not anyone else.

[kayc]

Kieron, it's been a long time since I've had my parents, 39 years since my dad, 6 1/2 for my mom, I hope you can enjoy more time with them.  The cleaning out of a home can be overwhelming, but easier with less attachment as in relatives cleaning out rather than doing your own, imo.  But your own physical health and age factor in as well so good to be able to do it before you are incapacitated in some way.  You're definitely in my thoughts and prayers as you're facing this. 

[Kieron]

Well, some good news at least... he sounds better today although still very de-conditioned due to sedentary lifestyle for so long.  There was some concern about elevated creatinine which is a marker for kidney distress (something I got familiar with a long time ago when Mark first showed signs of illness), but now they put it together that the chest x-ray taken a few days ago for pneumonia used an injectable dye that stresses the kidneys, so now the issue is clearer.  Still need to figure out the rehabilitation steps, and will be in the hospital awhile longer, I guess.  But dialysis won't be required as of yet so that is a relief.  So we plod on. 

But it's kind of interesting that I am once again a spectator in someone's chronic kidney issues.  😶

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

But dialysis won't be required as of yet so that is a relief.  So we plod on. 

Kieron, this sounds like such good news for your Dad, your Mom and yourself.  Keeping you in my good thoughts as you "plod on".  Dee