Living with Loss

[MartyT]

My oh my oh my, dear Kay! A puppy?! So adorable!!! He or she?? Name? We want details!!!  ❤️

[enna]

I am so happy for you.  I'm smiling. 

[kayc]

His name is Kodie...his owner named him Kobie but when my son had the tag made, he accidentally put Kodie...I told him, "When I thought of a name for him, the one that popped into my head first was Kodie!"  So Kodie it is.  And get this, he was born on my birthday, Oct. 7.  

I slept a whopping two hours last night, we were up late, my brain wouldn't shut off, then my DIL called at 3:45, waking me up.  Don't know how I'm going to live through this, but he's awfully adorable!  He's so little!

[widow'15]

kayc:  Kodie is so cute.  That face is too lovable.  Have fun.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

What a cutie Kay!  Nature makes them that way to melt our hearts for the training and mishaps.  Any idea how big he’ll get?  Love the name and a shared birthday is coincidental in a mysterious way.  I can’t imagine a home with dog energy.  I have a magnet on my fridge that says.....a house is not a home without a dog.  🐩

[Kieron]

22 hours ago, kayc said:

And get this, he was born on my birthday, Oct. 7.  

Meant to be, I suspect!  🥰

[kayc]

Four months ago today, my sweet boy, you met your rest, the best dog that ever was.  The love I have for you is immeasurable, my beautiful sweet boy.  I miss your smile so much, I miss everything about you.  I just hope you know how much I appreciate you and you will never be forgotten.  I pray I can be united with you again.

[kayc]

This morning I am wishing my sweet Arlie a Happy New Year's and missing him so much.  I decided to go through my pictures of animals and organize them with a folder for each one...in so doing, I saw all the pictures of Arlie and it broke my heart for missing him all over again.  I ran across this picture and I love the smile.  So precious, my beautiful boy.

[kayc]

It been five months today, sweet Arlie, since you passed.  It's hard for me to grasp that it could be that long ago when it feels you just left.  It's the hardest thing in the world, missing you.  I talk to you all the time, I wonder if you can hear me.  I hope I don't sadden you with my tears...I hope you are able to realize that someday I will see how things went for you and that you're happy and that your perspective on "the other side" is so much greater than mine is right now.  I love you, sweet boy.  You are the best dog in the world, I cherish every moment I got to spend with you.  We made so many memories together in our short 10 1/2 years together.  I am so glad you got to be MY little boy.  I love your effervescent smile, your personality and I miss your goofiness...you always made me smile and brightened my day.

I hope you've made dog friends and you can get to know your brothers and sister, Skye, Teddy, Fluffy, and Lucky, most gone before you.  You have a new brother, Kodie, I hope he follows in your footsteps with goofiness, I always loved that about you.  My wonderful big sweet little boy, my love for you will never diminish. Kitty's body lays besides yours now.  Just yesterday I placed her memorial stone in the snow above her grave.  It's hard to believe, our family of three...changed in such a short span of time.

I hope you find my husband George to give you lots of belly rubs and join in your fun with you.  You will love him.

[kayc]

This week came and went marking the 11th anniversary of my adopting Arlie...the best decision I ever made.  Normally I'd buy him a new toy, he loved new toys!  I'd fix something special for him to eat and we'd celebrate together.  This is the first year this time has been anti-climatic, without him here to to celebrate with.  I can't begin to express how deeply I miss him.  My sweet Arlie, I wish there was a way I could connect with you.

[kayc]

Today would be your 12th birthday, sweet Arlie.  I wish I was giving you a new toy and a treat and a ride to the park instead of talking to a grave.  I miss you, you'll always be my Valentine.  I love you so much, Arlie.

[M&B]

We just lost our 14 year old Iggy yesterday (jack Russell/beagle mutt). We have no idea how to cope with this loss and have had a hard time leaving the bed/showering/eating. Each time I get out of bed there is something that reminds me of our baby and I lose it and can’t face the day. I came across this thread and have spent the last few hours reading through it and have found it therapeutic. The exact things you’re saying about Arlie are the exact emotions and thoughts I have about my Iggy. I am not a religious person and feel that I may be at a disadvantage of feeling that ‘God has him’ or that he’s in a place called heaven. I wish I cold believe that as I feel like it would help me immensely, but taking on religion for this loss is not going to happen. If there was a God they wouldn’t have taken away such a perfect, innocent and sweet creature. I have no idea how to reconcile this scenario without the crutches of religious beliefs. Its hard, but reading your story has been a bit more therapeutic for me during this difficult time. Thank you for taking the time to document you and Arlie’s story. He sounds like a fantastic soul and his personality reminds me of our baby. 

[kayc]

M&B, I am glad you found something you can relate to.  You don't need to take on religion to hope for being with him again, that hope is ours who love our animals and want to be with them again someday.  I do understand what you're saying...I guess my belief in afterlife compels me to believe Arlie is in a better place than this temporary life that is flawed with disease.  I hate cancer, it should have been a four letter word instead of a six letter one.  I hate what it does to those we love, it was the hardest thing in the world to watch him go downhill and result in losing him.  But this one thing I know, our love does not end just because their bodies let them down.  I will love Arlie forever and I'm certain you love your Iggy the same.  I am so sorry for your loss!   Everything we did together, seeing the empty dishes, their toys, bed, places they laid around the house, the yard they played in, it all serves as a reminder of their absence.  It gets a little better with much time as we process our grief and begin to adjust to their absence, but I can honestly tell you that I am not yet adjusted to it six months later, I miss him so much and it may well be that this is something I carry with me the rest of my life.  And that's okay too, it's part of the price of having loved so deeply.  I visit his grave in the back yard, I talk to him even though I know that's merely where his decaying body lies.  His spirit, it's somewhere so I pray he hears me in the wind and knows my love is ever so deep, just as it always has been.  He was meant to be my dog and I his mom and I'm so glad we had those years together...I just wish they could have continued, but not with his cancer, not with his suffering.  He was my beautiful smart, sweet goofy boy and always will be.
I hope you'll start a thread and share your memories of Iggy, it's a good way to keep them alive in our hearts and memories, I'd love to read about him...when you are ready.  I've shared mine in "Memories of Arlie."

For those who do not have a concrete belief in the hereafter, I encourage you to watch a video of the galaxies and stars...or several, it makes you think about the unknown and realize we are a part of something bigger and greater than we can box into our belief system, something that defies all logic and explanation...it helps us expand our thinking into realizing that maybe...just maybe...and that's all we need for hope to live in us...

[kayc]

Missing you, Sweet Boy.  Yesterday I had to have your pen worked on as the post that holds the door broke from all the years of you riding it and slamming it shut to get your treat.  Now I need it for Kodie but can't bring myself to call it Kodie's pen, it will forever be Arlie's pen, Arlie's fence, Arlie's doghouse.  I tell him about his big brother, how much the two of you would have enjoyed each other!  At least before you got so sick, you wouldn't have wanted a puppy around then.  I'm glad you're not suffering anymore Sweet Boy and pray you're at peace...until I can be with you.  I love you, Arlie.  I'll always love you.

 

[kayc]

I'm still going through it, wondering if it'll ever subside a bit, my heart just aches for him.  Oh why didn't I have his glands checked out!  He had his physicals so I assumed everything was okay because the vet had checked him out, right?!  I don't know how he missed it but my assumption was wrong.  I would give anything to have Arlie back!  The pain is incredible to live with.    

I do enjoy and love Kodie but I also have a deathly fear of losing him, I just couldn't take it again, can't even get through my broken heart over Arlie.  I've never felt this kind of grief before except when I lost my husband...and I've lost 24 dogs and cats.

I know you miss your girl, it just doesn't seem to go away, does it.  We have to live with this and it's so hard to...knowing I'll never be over him.

[kayc]

It's been over seven months, my Little Boy, and I can honestly say I have never loved nor missed anyone like I do you.  My sweet boy, I miss giving you a kiss atop your head as  you lay smiling on the couch.  Kodie lays there now, he takes up a tiny spot whereas you stretched across the whole thing.  I miss you sweet baby, you were my life!  The day I adopted you was one of the best days of my life.  The years following I was so lucky to spend them with you.  Oh why oh why can't dogs live longer!  So unfair!  You and Kitty both gone from me now, we were a family, it's hard to believe everything changed so fast.  

[kayc]

This morning I heard Kodie crunching on something and investigated to see what it was...it was a couple of Arlie's shed nails...I don't know how/where he found them as I've washed his bed and vacuumed thoroughly many times since he died.  I started crying.  I told Arlie I love and miss him and he'll never be replaced, never.  Kodie saw my tears and distress and came over to give me some love and assurance.  Sweet little puppy.  I still hold Arlie's coat, I miss him with everything within my being.

[widow'15]

On 4/1/2020 at 8:53 AM, kayc said:

I still hold Arlie's coat, I miss him with everything within my being.

kayc:  Of course you miss your Arlie.  So sorry for you having to grieve his absence.  Hugs to you and your sweet Kodie.  Dee

[kayc]

Thank you.

[kayc]

Not a day goes by, sweet Arlie, I think of you and continue to love you and miss you.

Someone mentioned how "cute" Kodie is because he's so little...I replied, "I like big dogs, I miss my Arlie."  Yes I love Kodie, but you were no less adorable to me, I could look at you for hours, my sweet intelligent gentle giant, I love you,  I talked with my sister Peggy about this, she shared she had a similar conversation once about her Polly and felt the same way as me.  I love you for you who you are as well as your beautiful face, I wish I could hold you again.

[MartyT]

  ❤️

[tony henry]

On 6/7/2019 at 9:47 AM, MartyT said:

Oh Kay. My heart hurts for you as I read this awful news. I totally understand your not wanting to prolong Arlie's suffering by putting him (and you) through any expensive and futile treatments. It seems to me that doing so would prolong his dying rather than extend his living. All I can suggest is to do what you're doing already: Make the most of whatever time you have left with Arlie. Take lots and lots of pictures. Treasure every moment, and do whatever you can to make these precious days count. And know that we are here with you as you go down this painful path . . . ♥

 

[kayc]

It was one year ago today that my life as I knew it turned upside down and the rug was pulled out from under me.  I tried my best, sweet Arlie, but I couldn't help you in the end.  You were my heart and soul, I miss you baby.  I love you, forever.

[kayc]

I Haven't Left At All

I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs
You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh;
But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow
You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know;
I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall
I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all.

On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief
I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief.
When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around
Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground. 

At night while you are sleeping, I snuggle at your side
You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie. 
You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind
But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind. 

I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore
You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore. 
But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call; 
It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all
So, dear Master as you live your life I patiently await
For us to be together when you pass through Heaven’s gate. 

I ran across this today, I needed this more than you can know, today it's 15 years since my sweet husband died.  It seems a lifetime ago since he held me in his arms, since I was able to talk with him.  Sometimes it feels so far away like I dreamed him up.  I've read this poem before, it's a good reminder that he has never truly left...they live in our hearts.  I cry as I say this, but Arlie is starting to feel that way too, it's been so long since I've seen that beautiful smile spread across his face.  Since I've held him in my arms.  It almost feels like more than I can bear.

[kayc]

I just threw away Arlie's water bucket.  It was all chewed up around it and had a crack running down it, so it wasn't good for anything, but it was just so hard to let it go...it took almost a year to do so.  I told Arlie if he comes back I'll buy him a new one.