My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

16 minutes ago, Widow2015 said:

Everything went well and I was impressed with how I was treated. 

Dee!  I’m so glad you checked in and it went well!  Everyone was pulling for you!  I’m guessing you have to go in for a follow up, but the biggie is over.  Sounds like a good reason to be a bum for the rest of the day.  Maybe a pint of your fav ice cream?  🍧

[KarenK]

Dee, so glad you checked in and everything is good. Took about 10 days for my first eye to feel normal. Just remember not to rub your eye. Get some rest.

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Maybe a pint of your fav ice cream?  🍧

I will put that on my bucket list of things to do when it is all over.   As we left the clinic, I asked my son to drop in to the closest drive thru coffee place and I gulped down a coffee that tasted like a flavored ice cream  treat.  I never stopped in at these places before.   I've lived a sheltered life.  lol  Tomorrow is a post op appoint with all of March being nothing but follow ups, right eye surgery , etc.  Not complaining, just glad the process has begun.  Thanks again for your good thoughts.  Dee

[Margm]

22 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have not seen the Jack Reacher series/movie by Lee Childs. 

I've seen the starting of it and we do have a believable "Jack Reacher."  Now, going to watch some more.  

Did you all know this is National Women's History Month.  Did you know they made the word "hero" gender neutral.  And, ladies, I have never met so many women heroes as I have met since October of 2015.  Love you all.

[MartyT]

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Thanks everyone for all your good thoughts for my eye surgery.  Like Karen said, "it's a piece of cake".  Everything went well and I was impressed with how I was treated.  I feel badly for the nurse who was trying to insert needle in my hand for the sedative.  I have a history of uncooperative veins.  I was happy to see how much brighter things were after it was over.  The surgeon did have to work a little harder to remove the heavy cataract since it was quite thick she said.  No pain,  although a little scratchy feeling, but not bad.  Again, thanks for cheering me on.  Hugs, Dee

I am surprised you were on line so fast!  Good to hear it went well!  I hope your vision gets great SOON!  And no more scratchy.

And glad you treated yourself!  I can't have such things but I do make a mean cup of coffee and my own creamer, got it down to perfection!  I hope II don't have to give it up too, my blood sugar has been elevated last four days to 120 (usually 102-106) was 118 in the night, normally 90.  I know what I've eaten and it's not from that, so has to be stress, Lord knows I have too much of that.

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I am surprised you were on line so fast!  Good to hear it went well!  I hope your vision gets great SOON!  And no more scratchy.

And glad you treated yourself!  I can't have such things but I do make a mean cup of coffee and my own creamer, got it down to perfection!  I hope II don't have to give it up too, my blood sugar has been elevated last four days to 120 (usually 102-106) was 118 in the night, normally 90.  I know what I've eaten and it's not from that, so has to be stress, Lord knows I have too much of that.

kayc: Sorry you're being bombarded with stress.  Life can be more than we want to handle somedays trying to carry on for others.  

My need for caffeine after the surgery was the driving force to stop at the coffee drive thru.  The sweet fancy coffee tasted good, but don't know if I'd be doing my "fluffy" body a favor if I made this a habit.  I normally only drink two cups of coffee with evaporated milk, no flavor, no sugar to get me moving each morning.

I loved seeing the pictures of your grand children and was glad you were able to be there for the party.  What a sweet family you have.  Hope your day goes well for you.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Tuesday In paradise!  Got my shower.  Very sore from PT yesterday with weights, walks and exhaustion sleeping of no moving.  Wounds redressed and not better.  Got impatient waiting on PT and have taken 4 walks.  Have had 2 med people in here and decided not to make changes that go into the computer as that always creates problems.  Will make my own changes with one RX and supplements.  You learn the ropes as a long timer.  I found that out with pain meds.  Could be restored by asking (which I had) but the nurse argued with me.  The prescriber said so!  So weird being in a position of major advocation when your the one trying to focus on the recovery.

On my walk, my shower aide hadn’t seen me on a long one.  She didn’t realize how bent over I am.  She said that must be really hard to which I joked yes, but I could tell her anything she wanted to know about the floor.  Back in my room, I could barely look up enough to read the note on my door and shutting my blinds was very difficult.  Reaching for the blind cords was so hard.  I just don’t see how this will get better.  I know I’ve asked, but I sure have my doubts.  
 

I found another guilty pleasure to go with Wheel of Fortune.  Judge Judy runs 2 episodes on a local channel.  I love that woman.  She’s smart, quick and has no patience for excuses and tricks of any kind never slip past her.  
 

I saw a commercial for Febreeze that says it removes last nights dinner smell the next day.  We always liked it.  From pancakes, banana bread to steaks.  I’d make pancakes in the middle of the night for dinner and the smell was divine.  For a few years I had a bread maker.  That’s a really primal scent.  So many I miss from happy days.  Fried chicken Mondays reheating it at dinner was divine.

I’m sitting here and been staring at the screen it seems forever.  So much I feel inside but at the same time dead.   Haven’t been anywhere comfortable in such a long time.  Yesterday went by rather quickly for the day.  Now it’s another night.  So missing Steve.  This sneaks up on me sometimes and I never know what to do.  I want to talk to him about it like I did all my problems.  I realized I’ve forgotten his cell number.  He’s not at home to call. It’s all wrong.  I want to talk to him about missing him so much and what to do.  I know he’d have good ideas.  I’ll never stop needing him and his input navigating life.

 

[kayc]

I don't remember George's cell number either but I do have an old cellphone bill...

I bought stuff to make bread in a bread maker (no wheat), will be extremely expensive, not sure when I'll try it out yet.

I could not stand Judge Judy, she's so mean and nasty and no patience with even nice people!  I can't imagine what it must be like to live with her!  I'd have to shoot myself! :D OMG, she's in Wheel of Fortune now?  Why would they do that?!
 

I still find it appalling that a nurse would insert herself into your Rxs!  That's between you and your doctor, none of her business!  She's to carry out orders, not change them!

 

[Widow2015]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Got my shower.  Very sore from PT yesterday with weights, walks and exhaustion sleeping of no moving.  Wounds redressed and not better. 

I’m sitting here and been staring at the screen it seems forever.  So much I feel inside but at the same time dead.   Haven’t been anywhere comfortable in such a long time.  Yesterday went by rather quickly for the day.  Now it’s another night.  So missing Steve.  This sneaks up on me sometimes and I never know what to do.  I want to talk to him about it like I did all my problems.  I realized I’ve forgotten his cell number.  He’s not at home to call. It’s all wrong.  I want to talk to him about missing him so much and what to do.  I know he’d have good ideas.  I’ll never stop needing him and his input navigating life.

 

Yes a shower can make such a difference.  Warm water relaxing sore muscles giving us some power to keep moving.  Sorry the bed sores aren't improving.  

Your yesterday sounded a little better in spite of still having to butt heads with one of your nurses.  I like how you can convince her why your meds should be dispensed.  

I so understand how you miss Steve especially having to adjust to your life that is up side down with health issues.  I don't think we will ever stop having the need to have their support.  Or at least I know I won't.  The unbelievable comfort of their strength and support through every life problem is now left for us to attend to whether we are able to go on alone or not.

Our breakfast style dinners was waffles with two runny fried eggs on top. As waffles were cooking I'd be stirring up the maple syrup on the stove.  I can actually smell the comfortable aromas just thinking about it as I imagine the happy full tummy afterwards.  Sometimes, we'd also do pancakes in place of waffles.

I knew better not to get into the bread making machine attraction.  Breads are one of my weaknesses so never indulged in the luxury of one although I was tempted.  The smell of baking bread is sinful.

Bob's cell number was one digit off my cell number so less chance of forgetting although there are times I can't remember my cell number as quickly as I should.  I have difficulties remembering numbers anyway. 

My post-op appointment went well yesterday.  The scratchy feeling is no more.  Am enjoying the brightness of everything through that eye.  Dee  

 

[KarenK]

Had my last post op visit today. Despite still feeling like there is something in the lower left corner of left eye, doc says all is okay, that maybe it's just not quite healed. If not better in a week to call him. Otherwise, I have an appt. in a month to check vision for glasses, which he thinks I won't need. Am going to drive myself for a haircut later. Haven't driven since last May.

Can barely keep ahead of this old body. Had been holding off on getting my broken teeth pulled as long as they weren't hurting while trying to pay the bill down a little and get my eyes fixed. One is now hurting and gum infected, so dentist called in antibiotic. Have an appt. next week to get it pulled. Oh, joy!

Never, ever say "What next?"

[Gwenivere]

 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

 she's in Wheel of Fortune now?  Why would they do that?!

I still find it appalling that a nurse would insert herself into your RX's!

No, they are not on at the same time.   I like the show.  Who knows how someone is at home.  I think because it is on TV she can say things many think but wouldn’t say.  Plus the participants know what they are getting into.  I’ve seen footage of actual court proceedings and it’s pretty boing.  Anyway, I think she’s a hoot.  Different strokes.

I have a nurse that thinks you can’t add an as needed med to a scheduled time if it’s in there already.  The ARNP said it was fine but the nurse thought it would make it look like she was changing the timed orders which would get her in trouble.  If it happens again, I’ll just ask for it a half hour either side.  Saves bickering.  Have enough to deal with.  This is like being in prison, so you learn to prioritize where to expend your energy.  

SYup, learned never to say that years ago as it then seems to happen quicker.  I hope your follow up goes well.  Dental problems are so awful.  I’m at the mercy 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Never, ever say "What next?" 

yup,  learned never to say that years ago as it then seems to happen quicker.  I hope your follow up goes well.  Dental problems are so awful.  Never something we want to do and recovery and cost are so high.  I’m at the mercy of nature on that too.    Especially being in here.  Hoping a couple teeth hold out.  Never anything 'simple' like a little cavity.   Hope your follow up goes well.  No glasses would be great!  
 

So, never utter those words! Or, it could be worse.  You’ll be proven wrong.

[KarenK]

Drove myself to get a haircut. A little scary as I still have double vision in my left eye when I look left to check for oncoming traffic. I have to turn my head far enough to look with my right eye. Inconvenient, but I can manage if I'm careful. Sure hope this goes away!

[Widow2015]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

Had my last post op visit today. Despite still feeling like there is something in the lower left corner of left eye, doc says all is okay, that maybe it's just not quite healed. If not better in a week to call him. Otherwise, I have an appt. in a month to check vision for glasses, which he thinks I won't need. Am going to drive myself for a haircut later. Haven't driven since last May.

Can barely keep ahead of this old body. Had been holding off on getting my broken teeth pulled as long as they weren't hurting while trying to pay the bill down a little and get my eyes fixed. One is now hurting and gum infected, so dentist called in antibiotic. Have an appt. next week to get it pulled. Oh, joy!

Karen: So happy your vision has improved well enough to drive.  I can imagine you are feeling like a caged bird set free.  Good for you maybe not needing glasses.  I can only hope for such success.  

I am so sorry about the infection in your gums.  Why can't our bodies just slow down with this aging process so we can regroup.  Thinking of you, Dee

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Why can't our bodies just slow down with this aging process so we can regroup. 

Because that would be fair?  We know we are aging and getting limited, but we don’t need it rammed down our throats.  Maybe I’m exaggerating, but it sure seems there’s been a lot of stuff going on all at once.  I finally got some pain meds after a day with PT, my own walks, having to stand too long and sitting in a very uncomfortable chair for BINGO.  (Won 2 bucks like last week!) They have a General Store, but the prices are way too high.  I feel like my mom when I play.  

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

Drove myself to get a haircut. A little scary as I still have double vision in my left eye when I look left to check for oncoming traffic.

I bet it felt good to get your hair done.  I miss that.  Haven’t found anyone willing to do it at home.  And you got to drive too!  I haven’t in so long I’m scared to try if I get cleared to.  I have a very bad habit of not waiting til I’m stopped to not be distracted like feeling around for something I dropped.  
 

Had another boring, painful long day.  So much so, that it’s getting to there is nothing to say.  Got heat back today after a week.  I was trying to figure out how to handle daylight savings being in here.  I’m going to start my day an hour later and catch up on med times by late afternoon.  For one day I’ll get my pain meds in 6 instead of 7 hours.  It’s been very hard getting thru that long gap.  I need to talk to the APRN about a change.  Doing more is getting too hard without better management.  Counseling was not very helpful as it’s not really counseling.  Just a venting hour or crying.  It’s not productive so we may take a break.  Thing is I don’t know what to do to get even close to being myself again.  
 

Time to watch some TV I like and wait til sleep makes this all disappear for a few hours.  There’s a saying 'stop the world, I want to get off.'  Thaw where I am.  
 

 

[V. R.]

30 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

There’s a saying 'stop the world, I want to get off.'  Thaw where I am.  
 

 

How expressive this is Gwen. I wish I didn't feel that way but I do. 😭

All the best to you. Keep strong. 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I'm not sure we can ever get back to being ourselves. Too many changes have taken place, mentally and physically and time is not on our side. I've never worried too much about getting older because age was just a number. I stayed fairly healthy even as I aged, but the last few years have been tough. As I approach 75, I'm starting to feel it and show it and I don't like that one bit. I guess I need to start looking for a new "self". The old one is surely gone.

[kayc]

Karen, I'm sorry you have dental pain, it's awful, I've literally wanted to put my fist through the wall with it!  My  (now retired) dentist gave me his home phone number and would work me in same day when I went through that!  Can take antibiotics after it's out too, my teeth go fast, any sign of anything and I have to deal with it asap!  Hence I only have half my teeth left on uppers and lowers.  I've paid a fortune...am glad I'm totally off sugar now, it's made a huge difference in the plaque!

 

[Margm]

13 hours ago, KarenK said:

Gwen, I'm not sure we can ever get back to being ourselves.

I do not know who I was.  Now, just waiting, I guess.  Daughter called yesterday and just matter of fact, talking about who  wants part of ashes, what I need to do with the ones I have and what will be done with mine.  That is all taken care of ahead of time, but used to we would look forward to some sort of future.  Some length of time.  Know it is not promised, but I want to be as little problem to them as possible.  Some people can talk about things like that, I have got to quit digging this hole.  Fixing to get my trekking sticks and see if I can walk the length of the apartments.  My mind sure feels heavy and my body definitely is.  My diet that I have to stay on is mostly starches with protein I can chew.  I did not have my blood drawn in eight years because I was afraid.  I can get older if I lose some weight.  Do I want to?  Not today I don't.  Gotta keep moving while I can.  (Feeling sorry for myself), sorry.  

[Widow2015]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

Some people can talk about things like that, I have got to quit digging this hole. 

This past week I tried to have this discussion with my son prior to his driving me to my eye surgery.  I was instructed amongst all the paperwork I had to sign for procedure was to bring in a "health directive".  I dug out the required  document and mentioned it to my son it would be in my purse.  He could hardly discuss it.  He is one of "those people" who doesn't want to believe that I will some day not be on this earth.  I tried to persuade him that someday he will have to make the decision and felt  we should have the discussion  instead of his not knowing what I wished.  Interestingly I was thinking, "oh, if only the reaction to the anesthesia could maybe be my answer to this lonely way of growing old alone.  I remember when my Mom passed away how comforting it was to have her wishes she had written years before her dementia.  I looked at the wishes as her gift to me.

So Marg, you aren't the only one feeling sorry for oneself.  It comes and goes just like the weather changes.  Hugs, Dee

 

[Gwenivere]

23 hours ago, KarenK said:

I guess I need to start looking for a new "self". The old one is surely gone.

It’s so angering that we are forced into this.  When we lost our partners we were and it continues on from there.  Somehow time became the enemy.  15/20 even 10 years ago I was 'too young' to have to worry about all the health conditions that read like a menu now.  Heart attacks, strokes, teeth, kidney, eyes, bones…..you name it.

We didn’t get a choice in any of this.  Life used to be full of choices.  It rotated around them.  Now we are the ones spinning around an unsympathetic force. I miss deciding what I want to do, but often the cost is high.  Paying for it instead of feeling accomplishment.  Sometimes I can’t do what I want at all.  Just plain impossible. I did PT, knowing I wanted to get up several more times.  Always wondering if I’m pushing it.  I don’t feel good about what I get done anymore.  That definitely colors how you see the world and your place in it.

9 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I can get older if I lose some weight.  Do I want to?  Not today I don't. 

Sounds like we are in similar head-spaces, Marg.  I had no idea what getting older would be like a long time ago, but I saw active older people and assumed there was life after 60.  I was almost 59 when I lost Steve.  That first year was the emotional shock.  When I hit 60, time caught up tangled with the stress of years of personal neglect.  You’re blind to that at the time. I got breaks when he was in the hospital for surgeries that I thought were sufficient.  But you never stop worrying.  That love drive is so strong. You never really relax.  We saw it coming.  I don’t know how those who experience sudden death feel/felt.  We all lost dreams.  Plans.  Traveling the road to aging without our partner.  We had already changed some things getting prepared.  Then he was gone. We didn’t have long term plans knowing the cancer would win.  Waiting was torture.  I’ll never forget the morning it came.  Making that call to his hospice nurse that he couldn’t be at home anymore.  The guilt trip and his begging me not to call.

4 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

was thinking, "oh, if only the reaction to the anesthesia could maybe be my answer to this lonely way of growing old alone. 

You’re not the only one feeling this.   I felt it in my surgery.  To slip away into to the nothingness and never have to feel the pain anymore.  Even in normal sleep, for a few hours I feel safer and often, for me, even if I don’t remember much, I see people and dogs that I love.  I’ll take that over the reality I  drag thru every day.  
 

As for below,  are we really feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling normal reactions to grief?  I once had a smooth life compared to roller coaster that it has become.  I think ts much more a reaction to having to accept we are alone now.  The person I want to talk to the most about Steve’s death is him.  He knows me the best and what I need to think about.  The person I most trust most to share his take in this situation.  

4 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

you aren't the only one feeling sorry for oneself.  It comes and goes just like the weather changes. 

[V. R.]

I was talking to my husband's aunt (a devoted Catholic) the other day on the phone and she told me about how she had prayed so much for her son  when he was diagnosed leukaemia (thank God now, he has recovered completely) and also how she had prayed for her husband once when he was rushed to hospital(recovered then, but a few  years after, he passed away from a different illness). I only had one thing to say to her: "I understand but I didn't have time for prayers.... it was so sudden, untimely,  still don't believe it's true. I'm in eternal shock'". My husband and I, although in our 50s, behaved like 30 year-olds, have always been young at heart,adventurous,music lovers, exploring new places, zooming around on his motorbike in our new motor outfits. Now I feel twice my age😒. 

[kayc]

I was 52 when George died, I'll be 70 this year, alone...

I never dreamed things would go this way.  My XH married a person w/a lot of problems, she won't let our kids come to their house, won't let his brother & SIL in either.  I hosted the whole family our entire marriage.  Now he has her to grow old with but I'm alone and he doesn't have a relationship with his kids or grandkids.  Life is weird and no fairness about it.  Why did George have to die so young?  Barely 51.  No answers.  My friends STILL have their spouses yet I've been widowed nearly 17 years.

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, V. R. said:

My husband and I, although in our 50s, behaved like 30 year-olds, have always been young at heart,adventurous,music lovers, exploring new places, zooming around on his motorbike in our new motor outfits. Now I feel twice my age😒

I can so relate to what you are saying.  Until the cancer got bad, we did all kinds of things despite our age.  We were in our 50’s too. Young at heart is the perfect way to say it.  At 66 I feel so much older physically.  Your sudden loss creates different demons to work thru.  The times the cancer became real to us were always the hardest.  Looking at a person you knew was going to be gone, forever.  It got harder and harder to accept. Knowing you couldn’t stop it and truly prepare for it.  I did all the prep grief to no avail.  No amount of preparing can.  Yours was absolute shock.

The rehabs billing rep was in.  Had an obscene bill while waiting on my appeal.  Called my finance guy and  he tried to ease my mind.  Called everyone here I could to get a copy of this bill and all I got was VM.  I need to see dates I didn’t keep track of like when I was transferred here. I never have been hit with a bill in the midst of things.  Nurse said I’m making progress and they have home nurses that could do that.  But I don’t see how I’d do PT at home.  She agreed it was all about money.  Something like this could wipe someone out.  It’s disgraceful what health care costs here unless you have nothing.  If Steve and I hadn’t planned for long lives, care would barely cost anything. We worked so hard investing not to be rich, but to live comfortably and it knocks the wind out of all that.  How vulnerable so many are for tying to take care of yourself.  We didn’t want to rely on the government as there are others that really need it.
 

PT didn’t show up again.  Now that I’m paying, I don’t feel as patient.  I’m angry about this whole situation and not able to take care of myself well.  That I need to sit or lay down most of the time.  I took a look at the loop I used to walk last time I was here.  It would combine 2 of my walks.  It’s not the distance, it’s stamina since I’m worse this time.  I forget and rush to do my 3rd before calling Dee and dinner.  Then start a new show now that Ozark is on hold.  
 

Another weekend and daylight savings to boot.  Why not make things more challenging?  This is much easier at home.  Just have to find out who the nurse is going to be and have them wait til 11am before waking me.  I envy you, Karen.  Don’t have to mess with this nonsense!