Help.

[Metal]

My wife died 2 weeks ago. She was 33, and I'm 34. She was my life, everything to me, I moved in with her when I moved out of home at 18. I don't know who I am without her. I was a very depressed teen and she gave me the reason to pull myself up out of that so that I could help her have a better life. Every decision I have made in my adult life has been based around or influenced by her. She died of cancer, just six weeks after diagnosis (to the day), diagnosis that happened on our wedding anniversary. We had only just barely started to discuss and think about what to do, and what she might want, as we had been told to hope for 12 months with chemo, but she went downhill extremely rapidly, and very quickly lost mental function without warning. I'm lost. She was my world, and I don't know why anything matters without her. I don't even know where to start. I have lots of people who want to support, but none of them understand. I don't even know anyone other than my grandfather (who I can't see due to coronavirus, and who recently had a stroke anyway, and had been married over 50 years) who has had a spouse die. Coronavirus, what a prick. Spent the last month of my wife's life trying to keep her safe from it and not seeing almost anyone as a result. Then she dies and we can't even have close friends and family at the funeral (limit of 10 people). Am not meant to see others even now. What the hell am I meant to do with any of this? 

[widow'15]

Metal:  So sorry  to read of the recent tragic loss of your dear wife.   I can hear your desperate plea for answers and help.  Right now, please try to get through one day at a time by getting through the next minute and then the next hour.  You may never find an answer to your question what you are to do with any of this, but by joining this forum I do believe you will find support from people who do understand what you are going through.   Within time it is my hope you will find some relief as you walk you grief pathway.  You are not alone here on this Forum.  Warm regards, Dee.

 

[Gwenivere]

I cannot even fathom how much harder this is for you during this pandemic.  Also how quickly your wife was taken and at such a young age.  I can only echo Dee as this place/family is totally understanding of all the emotions that overwhelm your heart.  That you are finding no one understands is the hardest.  That you were robbbed of more time to be together thru her cancer is so very sad.  I’m sorry you can’t even reach out to your grandfather.  What you can do is write anything you are feeling and know you will be heard here.  Some are new to this, others have years of the horrific void this creates that wil never be filled.  Outsiders will tell you it will get better, and it does lessen a bit, but they don’t know the anguish we live with losing the most important person in the world.  And being the most important person to someone being ripped away.  I had to tune out just-about everyone when my journey began.  Here you will find others that speak the new language of your broken heart as second nature.  Please feel free to write anything as we are here and alone too.  Even those with families don’t know this pain connection. Theirs is a different kind like friend, sibling, parent.  All valid but so very differentMy deepest empathy for your so fresh pain.

[Kieron]

I can only echo Gwen here.  I can't even grasp how a loss such as yours is being made many times harder by this pandemic.  It's hard enough in more normal times, but now?  Yikes, I am so very sorry this has happened to you and her.  ☹️

[kayc]

Cancer is a robber.  I hate it, it has taken loved ones away and now my dog.  It's not discriminating.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I think it's harder for young people because no one their age understands and they have more of their life looming ahead of them.  Throw in COVID-19 and this is the hardest situation one can have.  I'm sorry you couldn't have a regular funeral, perhaps a memorial when this is over?  Facetime is not the same as having someone there with you, listening.  Even grief counseling usually done by phone now.

The best piece of advice I got was to take a day at a time.  The next would be looking for Joy.  I know, that elusive word, no longer seems part of your world.  But in looking for it, I learned to grasp any little bit of good I could find, no matter how small, nothing too insignificant to count...my Big Joy, George, is gone, but I look for the little joys now, a call from a friend or sister, someone letting me merge in traffic, an unexpected check in the mail, anything that could be considered good at all.  It's a process, not easy to practice when your world is shattered and your heart has broken but it's taught me the art of living in the present.

I wrote this at about ten years out, the things I've found helpful, I hope even one of them is helpful to you now, or later on down the road.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Metal]

Thanks all. I was really struggling earlier today when I posted. Fortunately for me my mate sensed something was off and came to keep me company and helped me to get up and spend some time working on one of my cars and tidying the garage, as well as just listening to me. It's now 1:30am here. I've fed the dogs for the night (yes, my wife and I have two dogs, and I also have her two horses to care for). I feel like things will get much worse before there's any chance of getting better, at the moment I think I'm mostly numb and/or distracted. And despite that it still hurts like hell. When I'm distracted I do smile, and can find things to talk about, but when I'm not I have trouble getting off the couch or out of bed. I know it's early days. I am seeing my GP and have discussed counseling etc. I am going back for a follow up in a couple of days. I just don't know what to do in so many ways. There's all this stuff to sort out to transfer things into my name and organise finances etc. I have a job to go back to, which I should be thankful for at this time, but there's no way that I can do that right now. I'm not sleeping well, heck I never slept well when my wife was away anyway, and this is the longest we've been apart for 16 years. And then there's a life, our life, and our home, that we had planned and were living that is now gone and empty. Everyone around me is grieving and rightly upset and sad, but their lives are mostly intact, their homes haven't changed. I dunno, everyone keeps saying that I'm not alone, but of course I am, as much as I hugely appreciate the support. I'm not suicidal, at least at this stage, but I also am having real trouble understanding why I would want to live like this the rest of my life, likely 50 years or more - I certainly don't see the point in living over half my life in a state of grieving. That's not living. But I can't see that there'll be a way out either. I literally don't know anyone, even from my parents or friends parents generation who has been through this. I know it's pointless to say, a complete cliche, and that life isn't meant to be fair, but just the same - this is not fair. 

[Metal]

I know others have spoken about difficulty sleeping. Do you have suggestions? 

[MartyT]

I am so very sorry for your loss, my friend. As Kay has stated above, it helps to stay focused on today, and not on how you may feel tomorrow or next month or next year. Nothing in this life stays the same. Sooner or later everything changes ~ and that goes for grief as well. 

2 hours ago, Metal said:

I know others have spoken about difficulty sleeping. Do you have suggestions? 

You may find this article helpful: Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief

[Gwenivere]

Lots of trouble sleeping!  I would either go into too deep a sleep or sensitive to every noise AND non noise he used to make.  Waking and seeing he was not there.  Thoughts of things I wanted to talk about.  Often it was sobbing so much I’d wear myself out and drop off.  When you’ve slept with someone for years, decades, it’s a hard transition.  Every time I change the bed I am aware half was not used.  I tried clearing away his Cpap and ashtray but it made it more barren.  I’m used to it now, but every morning he enters my mind almost immediately.  Some get insomnia and often a doctor will prescribe something to help for a short time.  I was on the other end still am, I don’t want to wake up because in that sleep I might see him healthy and we are doing something.  At the very least, I’m not engulfed in death.  I don’t know what Problems you have..  Maybe if you could elaborate, people of the same reaction could share their experiences.

[kayc]

Sleep issues are common, that's why I tell people to see their doctor about them rather than just trying to tough it out.  You can try meditation, lavender scent, melatonin, but for me, I needed a Rx sleep aid.

Right now it's too soon for you to judge how the rest of your life will be...the grief journey will evolve and you won't always feel the intensity that you do today.  It does take hard work and effort to build a life you can live, it won't happen soon or easily but it can be done.  Try not to worry about anything you don't have to, just get through today.  That's a feat in itself for now.

And you're right, there's nothing fair about this, fairness doesn't enter in.  It's like playing the hand we're dealt, we do the best we can with the hand we're dealt to have optimal quality under the circumstances

[Kieron]

9 hours ago, Metal said:

I know it's pointless to say, a complete cliche, and that life isn't meant to be fair, but just the same - this is not fair. 

It isn't pointless to say so, in my opinion.  Cliches become cliches because human language is simply inadequate to convey the depth and magnitude of these traumatic events that upend a person's life.   Sometimes there's no energy remaining to come up with a new way of expressing the inexpressible.  So we fall back on sayings.  Cliches aren't recommended when you're a writer (as I am) but for everyday use, their advantage is that everyone understands what you mean.  And as you go on, other sayings take on new meaning, such as "Only the good die young."  Your realize how true that is.  And it sucks, just plain sucks.  How's that for a cliche?  😄

As Kay says, just get through today.  Take it moment by moment if necessary.

[iPraiseHim]

19 hours ago, Metal said:

Thanks all. I was really struggling earlier today when I posted. Fortunately for me my mate sensed something was off and came to keep me company and helped me to get up and spend some time working on one of my cars and tidying the garage, as well as just listening to me. It's now 1:30am here. I've fed the dogs for the night (yes, my wife and I have two dogs, and I also have her two horses to care for). I feel like things will get much worse before there's any chance of getting better, at the moment I think I'm mostly numb and/or distracted. And despite that it still hurts like hell. When I'm distracted I do smile, and can find things to talk about, but when I'm not I have trouble getting off the couch or out of bed. I know it's early days. I am seeing my GP and have discussed counseling etc. I am going back for a follow up in a couple of days. I just don't know what to do in so many ways. There's all this stuff to sort out to transfer things into my name and organise finances etc. I have a job to go back to, which I should be thankful for at this time, but there's no way that I can do that right now. I'm not sleeping well, heck I never slept well when my wife was away anyway, and this is the longest we've been apart for 16 years. And then there's a life, our life, and our home, that we had planned and were living that is now gone and empty. Everyone around me is grieving and rightly upset and sad, but their lives are mostly intact, their homes haven't changed. I dunno, everyone keeps saying that I'm not alone, but of course I am, as much as I hugely appreciate the support. I'm not suicidal, at least at this stage, but I also am having real trouble understanding why I would want to live like this the rest of my life, likely 50 years or more - I certainly don't see the point in living over half my life in a state of grieving. That's not living. But I can't see that there'll be a way out either. I literally don't know anyone, even from my parents or friends parents generation who has been through this. I know it's pointless to say, a complete cliche, and that life isn't meant to be fair, but just the same - this is not fair. 

Hi Metal,

My heart grieves with you as I read and absorb your profound loss. Although our journey is different , I went through similar symptoms of grief, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, no energy, etc...  Fortunately, I found this wonder group and safe haven of people who understand deeply the intensity of this grief.  I reached out here, listened, asked questions, and just shared my life. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and at times even had trouble breathing.  Everything looked hopeless and bleak.  I took the advice and went to a doctor that prescribed a relaxer than would just calm my mind down so I could rest.  I learned to take it one moment at a time and try not to look too far ahead. I called it "SHOCK and AWE". Your story shocked me.  My beloved wife and best friend was just gone. The intensity of this grief will lessen over time. Marty has a wealth of resources to help us travel this grief journey.  There are many here who know and understand what you are going through.  There is also hope and healing alongside the grief.  Take care of yourself, your body and your health. Grief takes more energy. We are all here for you as others were her for us.  Most people don't understand the deep  love, compassion, and sense of loss.  I have learned to move forward and my beloved wife, Rose Anne, is with my in my heart, mind, and spirit.  Your wife is with you too! Take care my friend.  Shalom (Peace)

[Metal]

Thanks guys. I wouldn't want you to think that I'm not reading your responses, but I find it hard to know what to do/say a lot of the time. For sleep, I'm getting some each night, but very restless, and around 4-6 hours rather than 8-9. And I can't get to sleep initially before around 4am each day. Certainly would preclude me going to work, even if the other factors around brain capacity and energy weren't a problem - which they certainly are at the moment. Normally I'm a really switched on person but at the moment I'm just in a fog all the time. I freaked this evening because my wife's wedding ring fell off in the grass while I was spending some time with the dogs - I've been wearing it since the night she passed away. Fortunately after a good hour or so I was able to find it in the grass when it got dark enough that a torch reflected light off the ring so that I could see it. 

For food, I'm having a bit the opposite problem. I worked hard over the past year and a bit to lose a lot of weight (lost 28kg / 62lb). People have been giving me meals, which is great, but with my odd hours I am just eating for something to do/distract a lot of the time rather than set meals, and am eating more than I should. It's not that I'm hungry (at all), it's just something to do. I guess maybe that's better than the alternative for now, but it's not good either. 

Mostly I am just trying to face each minute, and each day. And that is the advice I have been given elsewhere too. But I can't help thinking what the future might hold. I can see that many/most here hold onto faith in God as a big part. I'm afraid that I can't do the same - any remaining belief in God has been pretty thoroughly wiped out by my wife's predicament over the past few months. My wife had a major surgery in early December. It wasn't something she wanted, it was a huge thing for us to face and go through, but it went well and she was doing better than anyone predicted in her recovery. She was up and riding her horses every morning, and generally far more active far sooner than expected. She had a bit of pain in her shoulder, and we assumed that she had pulled it throwing around hay bales - which she wasn't meant to be doing yet - but when it hadn't gone away after a couple of weeks and physio visits she went into hospital to have it checked out. A week later we had a diagnosis, and six weeks after that she was dead. My wife had a lot of hardship in her life, was dealt a lot of rough hands, but was always positive, always looking out and caring for everyone else, and always smiling. Yet in a matter of weeks she went from healthy and recovering to dead. No evidence of the cancer was on the scans she had in mid December after her surgery. I just can't wrap my head around it, or truly even believe that she's gone. We had a good life, and we made the most of every opportunity that came our way. I've no regrets about any of that, nor is there anything that I feel that we could or should have done and didn't, which I know is a blessing. But it wasn't meant to end yet. Even the estimated 12 months with chemo was crap to hear, but would have given us time to get organized, to prepare in some way. To at least have paperwork in place, and for Jenna to know what she wanted to happen. But 4 and a bit weeks after diagnosis she was in hospital, we presumed just recovering from a reaction to the second round of chemo (received at 4 weeks), by 5 weeks she really didn't know what was going on, and at 6 she was gone. We had no time to prepare, we'd started trying but it was only so preliminary, initial thought type stuff. There was meant to be so much more time. 

[Metal]

I don't know if this is appropriate, but if anyone is interested then details of her service including a recording are here: https://www.pettigrew.com.au/fraser-jenna/

[Metal]

Also, as for the sleeping and waking up. Yes, every time I wake I roll over to look for Jenna. The first week I "knew" and could feel as I woke that I was holding her hand, as I did so often, and continuously for the last 1.5 weeks in hospital. Only to have it disappear as I woke up, and to find no one there at all. Worst feeling ever. 

[Kieron]

50 minutes ago, Metal said:

but I find it hard to know what to do/say a lot of the time

That's why the reaction buttons (Like, Upvote and Thanks) are so helpful.  Sometimes there's nothing we can say, really, but we want to show caring somehow.

50 minutes ago, Metal said:

I can see that many/most here hold onto faith in God as a big part. I'm afraid that I can't do the same

  Likewise, when I see so many horrible people still walking around, apparently without a care in the world.  🙄

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Kieron said:

Cliches become cliches because human language is simply inadequate to convey the depth and magnitude of these traumatic events that upend a person's life.   Sometimes there's no energy remaining to come up with a new way of expressing the inexpressible.  So we fall back on sayings.

A beautiful way of explaining it, @Kieron!  And I can see you as a writer, you have a great way of expressing yourself.

2 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

here is also hope and healing alongside the grief.

Yes.  I have learned to coexist with my grief.  Yes the grief is with us always but it is an evolving journey, one that does not stay stagnant, we are ever learning, ever growing, ever adjusting, making progress through it little by little, so little as to seem imperceptible until we look back at a huge period, then we can see how it's changed with us.  We are forever changed, even as our lives are.  The loss is 100% bad but the grief not completely as I know I've derived some benefits from all I have gone through, confidence, understanding, survival, learning to live in the present, improved focus...I'm using what I've learned along my grief journey to survive this isolation period.  

Don't worry about your lack of faith, this has a way of shaking us to the core, for myself I felt like God was a million miles away in that first year or so.  I had always been an avid pray-er but then I felt my prayers were bouncing off heaven.  Years down the road I saw that my grief was like a cloud blocking God from me...He was there carrying me through this but I could not see nor feel because of my immense grief.  My faith that we will be together again gets me through...

1 hour ago, Metal said:

but I find it hard to know what to do/say a lot of the time.

Don't worry about it.  You are a part of us, whether you say anything or not.

I hope you'll get some help from your doctor for your sleep, this is hard enough to do with a FULL night's sleep!  In the beginning I was sleeping an hour or two.  I didn't seek medical help until years later but regretted not doing so sooner.  I thought it was a temporary solution to a permanent problem, not so!  I now realize that our bodies adjust to even this, amazingly, unthinkably!  I regret making it harder on myself by trying to tough it out.

1 hour ago, Metal said:

 https://www.pettigrew.com.au/fraser-jenna/

Thank you for sharing this!  You are a beautiful couple, I love that she loves animals!  My heart breaks for your loss.

[Metal]

26 minutes ago, kayc said:

@Kieron 

... I hope you'll get some help from your doctor for your sleep, this is hard enough to do with a FULL night's sleep!  In the beginning I was sleeping an hour or two.  I didn't seek medical help until years later but regretted not doing so sooner.  I thought it was a temporary solution to a permanent problem, not so!  I now realize that our bodies adjust to even this, amazingly, unthinkably!  I regret making it harder on myself by trying to tough it out. 

Fair enough. My GP (doctor) asked me if I wanted something for sleep and I turned it down. I've never taken anything for sleep or depression or anything like that, and my thought was that it was probably better to try and cope with it without resorting to what I fear as a "crutch" that might make things worse long term. But I am going to see her again tomorrow, I will think about it. 

 

[scba]

Hello Metal. I'm sorry for your loss. I was young too when my boyfriend died. And because of our youth, it's very very hard to find compassion and  support. Because none gets it! Our friends are planning their futures and they will tell you to go there, not to look to the past. You will hear: they would want you to be happy. Nothing makes sense now. Our past, our present and our future have been crashed. This forum is the right place. We were, we are, going through something that feels like hell.

We lost our soulmates and our old selves too. I have a cliche made by myself: I was killed and have been left alive.

It won't be easy but you are not alone. I nod at everything you said and I have been were you are. You will make it today and you will make it tomorrow. One day at a time. Find spaces to talk. Counselling. Support groups.  I found it here. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Not trying to be a pill pusher here, Metal, but Kay pointed out how important sleep is and I don’t know anyone here that didn’t benefit from some pharmaceutical help.  It won’t erase the pain or change your path, but can ease the fatigue and help focus what energy you have to face the journey.  As was once said to me, there are no awards for suffering.  It’s not a crutch, it’s a tool.  

I don’t know if you are Christian.  I know many have felt deserted in the beginning.  I am not so I sometimes envy those that are to have a target for my anger or something to turn to for solace.  I see the randomness of nature and know I am helpless to change that as far as big things.  Only small choices like quitting smoking, cut down on fats, etc.  those can affect big things, but Steve’s prostate cancer was not something that could be prevented.  That creates anger as he would have done it.  

It does get to me that there are people that do horrible things,  yet they live on and that’s a horrible thing to say.  I don’t wish suffering on anyone.  But in grief my eyesight has changed in regard to how I see others interact with the world.  Or sharpened it as I was always aware of the pain people can inflict.  If there is anything positive that has come of this is increased empathy and less stress about others often self created crisis.  The guy that blows up at me in traffic because I don’t want to speed or dare to make a left turn in front of them with plenty of time.  The woman who glares at me when I lean into the 6 foot marker just to put down something heavy on the checkout and then step back.  

I totally hear you on her ring.  I once thought I had lost the 30th anniversary ring Steve gave me and was going bonkers.  Fortunately it fell off at the nursing home I volunteer at and the receptionist kept it til I could come right back over and get it. It wasn’t a 'it can wait til tomorrow' thing.  It has fallen off at home too and requires immediate finding.  It’s a very expensive monetary thing, but that means nothing to me.  It is the symbolism that is priceless.  The poem he wrote with it and the presentation for all we had been thru to get where we were.  To me, more important than my wedding ring as that was the easy one. The start, the hopes, dreams, head over heels new love. This one is the reality which while not as polished as the dreams, led to many good and bad times we weathered and still were in love.  In a way we never knew existed.  A way many never will.  Only people that find that 'soulmate' would ever understand.  I’ve seen many marriages and don’t judge them.  But I can see when there isn’t that unbreakable bond.  Those that would move on more easily.  Like I said, I don’t judge.  Just 'happy' I knew more of love tho the cost is incredibly high for losing it in return.  I have yet to figure out what to do with this love I still carry for him.  I feel empty not having it replenished in return.  

I seem to not run out of words, but I hope you see the reaction marks on your posts.  Those help me see that something I said touched someone else even if they don’t have a reply.  That always feels good.  As always, my love to you all.  ❤️

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, Metal said:

 https://www.pettigrew.com.au/fraser-jenna/

Metal:  Thank you for sharing the service which included the video of Jenna and your life so beautifully.  She was an amazing, beautiful young lady.  The video reflected how she loved her life with you.  I, too,  could see how much she loved animals which is definitely a reflection of who she was.  The photos of Jenna and her gorgeous horse is breathtaking.  Warm regards to you.  Dee  

[Metal]

18 hours ago, scba said:

Hello Metal. I'm sorry for your loss. I was young too when my boyfriend died. And because of our youth, it's very very hard to find compassion and  support. Because none gets it! Our friends are planning their futures and they will tell you to go there, not to look to the past. You will hear: they would want you to be happy. Nothing makes sense now. Our past, our present and our future have been crashed. This forum is the right place. We were, we are, going through something that feels like hell.

We lost our soulmates and our old selves too. I have a cliche made by myself: I was killed and have been left alive.

I hear you. "I was killed and have been left alive" is a good way to put it. 

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Not trying to be a pill pusher here, Metal, but Kay pointed out how important sleep is and I don’t know anyone here that didn’t benefit from some pharmaceutical help.  It won’t erase the pain or change your path, but can ease the fatigue and help focus what energy you have to face the journey.  As was once said to me, there are no awards for suffering.  It’s not a crutch, it’s a tool.  

I don’t know if you are Christian.  I know many have felt deserted in the beginning.  I am not so I sometimes envy those that are to have a target for my anger or something to turn to for solace. 

... 

I totally hear you on her ring.  I once thought I had lost the 30th anniversary ring Steve gave me and was going bonkers.  Fortunately it fell off at the nursing home I volunteer at and the receptionist kept it til I could come right back over and get it. It wasn’t a 'it can wait til tomorrow' thing.  It has fallen off at home too and requires immediate finding.  It’s a very expensive monetary thing, but that means nothing to me.  It is the symbolism that is priceless.  The poem he wrote with it and the presentation for all we had been thru to get where we were.  To me, more important than my wedding ring as that was the easy one. The start, the hopes, dreams, head over heels new love. This one is the reality which while not as polished as the dreams, led to many good and bad times we weathered and still were in love.  In a way we never knew existed.  A way many never will.  Only people that find that 'soulmate' would ever understand.  I’ve seen many marriages and don’t judge them.  But I can see when there isn’t that unbreakable bond.  Those that would move on more easily.  Like I said, I don’t judge.  Just 'happy' I knew more of love tho the cost is incredibly high for losing it in return.  I have yet to figure out what to do with this love I still carry for him.  I feel empty not having it replenished in return.  

I seem to not run out of words, but I hope you see the reaction marks on your posts.  Those help me see that something I said touched someone else even if they don’t have a reply.  That always feels good.  As always, my love to you all.  ❤️

The doctor offered me something again today, but I actually slept a bit better last night, so I decided to hold off for now. If things haven't improved before my next appointment in a week then I'll get something. 

I'm not Christian, but I would say that I once was, and most of my family are very much so. It's something that's not been part of my life for 15 years or more. But while I feel like it could probably be a comfort in some ways, I also think that it would be a false one (hopefully not offending anyone too much) and that I would be taking that path under false pretense in the hope of making life easier. 

For the ring, Jenna and I were married after 7 years of living together. It wasn't a beginning so much as a celebration of what already was, and it was perfect. I can definitely hear what you're saying about a later anniversary having more meaning, and I think that our wedding was in many ways like that. And I know what you're saying about other couples who don't have the same close bond - it sometimes seems to me like the majority of others I know around my age don't feel nearly as close to their partners as I did Jenna - but I have to remember also that everyone is different, and often what is seen from the outside doesn't show the whole story. 

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Metal:  Thank you for sharing the service which included the video of Jenna and your life so beautifully.  She was an amazing, beautiful young lady.  The video reflected how she loved her life with you.  I, too,  could see how much she loved animals which is definitely a reflection of who she was.  The photos of Jenna and her gorgeous horse is breathtaking.  Warm regards to you.  Dee  

Thanks Dee. 

------

And thank you all,

Andrew. (sorry, just realised that I hadn't actually introduced myself and shared my name). 

[Gwenivere]

Finally saw the pictures of you and your wife, Andrew.  Very touching and the love is so visible.  I’m fond of your name as my once closest cousin (more like brother) to me had the same name.  Lost him too.  

[Metal]

Thought I'd take the dogs for a walk this arvo while the horses got a chance to eat down the grass in the dog yard - we haven't had much rain for a while so grass in the paddocks is in short supply. Soon worked out (as should have been obvious if I thought about it) that while walking 2 big dogs with your wife is a very pleasant way to spend some time, walking 2 big dogs by yourself is very hard work. Might have to be individual walks in future, given their combined weight is a fair bit more than my own... Just another thing. 

[kayc]

I used to walk two large powerful Huskies.  I bought a splitter and that worked much better than individual leashes.  You hook one leash to the splitter, then hook each of them to the splitter, that way they pull against each other rather than you and as they get used to it, they work it out.

I've found walking dogs to be very therapeutic!  What a peaceful scene this is!