I lost my boyfriend

[Gwenivere]

My heart breaks for you.  It’s so hard to have your beginnings crushed so suddenly.  Of course you didn’t have enough time.  What you are feeling is normal, and you will hate that word soon.  Grief is cruel and the 'normal' it forces on us is anything but that.  As it hasn’t been a month, you are in shock mode because things like this don’t happen to us.  I was 58 and had over 30 years and 5 since then.  It’s still not right.  Your dreams have been shattered.  Your plans are gone.  You are now lost and it’s dark, cold and empty.  We here all know exactly what that feels like.  Anything you want to write will be understood as it’s a language only the survivor understands.  We all deal with the outside world and try as they might, they won’t understand unless it’s happened to them.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  I hope you will share your pain.  We can’t fix it, no one can, but we can listen and possess the empathy so needed at this time and for this now new journey you never wanted.  If you want ideas, we have them, if you just want to get it out, we listen.  If you want to scream turn on your cap lock and do it.  It’s not rude here.  You will feel things you never expected and validation is abundant here.  So, yes, you feelings are normal.  Expected. Part of this horrid experience.  There is wisdom here you will gain too.  It just costs so darned much.  💔

[Smpl0409]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

If you told him and showed him your love, he knew.  That is a doubt I hope you don’t have to carry.  There’s so many ways we tell them beyond words and intimacy.  Little things that speak louder than words. Things we might even do for others but take in a special meaning for our loves.  The perfect card, making a special favorite meal, buying something because you know they’d love it.  They’re always on our minds.  That is something I’ve never lost. I often see things I would have bought him or things I used to that were his favorite.  It’s hard to get that kick in the gut.  Even sitting here at this moment typing this was time we spent watching a movie after a dinner out because it’s saturday.  I never passed up a time to make sure he knew he was loved.  Even if it was teasing him or getting on him for leaving a mess.      His bathroom picture us covered in post it notes I left him.  Layers on layers.  All with a heart at the end.  

So if you loved him, which you did, he knew.  Just as I knew he did me by the very same things

 

I think the same, I think love is more than words, showing love is so easy when It is for someone you love. At first I was afraid that he left not knowing how much I loved him but then I realized that he totally knew, I loved him endlessly and I am just hopeful that he is in heaven full of that love that I gave him. You are totally right, those little things made the difference with your partner, we stay here with the memories that hurt so much. 

[Smpl0409]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

This morning as I donned my wedding band, I smiled, knowing it for what it is...a reminder that I once was loved, we shared the best, how all too short it was!  Just like you knew love and it was ripped away all too soon.  But we know we were loved and wherever they are, they love us still...no one can take that away.

I am left with that "I wish..." that never came true but I have to accept the reality, he is never coming back. I am glad those things make you remember the beautiful moments you had together and how much you loved each other. 

[Smpl0409]

6 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

I have the exact same story as smpl0409, only difference is my partner was 52, we don’t yet know the cause but it was sudden and unexpected, on 6/12, and we were together for 3 years.  We had longed for a devoted committed relationship for so long and finally found what we wanted for so long in each other.  He left that morning for a hike, something we had both become engaged in and the awesomeness awareness once we reached the pinnacle.  Richard was very active and fit and challenged himself to so many hiking miles this year.  It was not out of the ordinary for him to go on hikes alone.  I remember plainly that morning him saying “I love you”.  It was so special and gentle.  Not like any time he’s said it before.  Off he went.  He called a couple of times, the last being around 2 to let me know when he thought he would be back.  4 hours later there was a know at the door, the police looking for his next of kin.  Every sentient that smpl0409 shares is what I am now trying to find my way through.  I want to be where he is, right now.  All our plans to spend the rest of our lives together, gone.  All our short term plans for the summer, gone.  2 weeks before we looked at rings.  What do I do now?  My body is wasting away.  I can’t eat.  I can’t think.  My heart is broken and my soul is deflated.  We didn’t have enough time.

I am so sorry to hear your story, I don't know how long ago this happened but mine happened 10 months ago and It still feels like yesterday. In the autopsy, the doctors realized he had cardiomegaly, which caused the heart attack. I just could not believe it, how could someone had that at 22?. I find myself shocked even after going to therapy, taking medication and crying everyday. I know you feel hopeless, not knowing what happened, that is what I felt before the results came, even now I have so many questions. 

This feelings are totally normal, I stopped eating and even drinking water for weeks, I couldn't move, couldn't take a shower by myself, I couldn't even sleep alone. 

Love is beautiful and even though I hate couples (me being jealous), I know love exists because I met the love of my life at 18. I fight my thoughts everyday, thinking of everything that we could have lived, where we could have traveled, our wedding, our kids, everything. 

I know the age can mean a lot to some people but I came to realize love is love, even being young and what I can tell you is that you need to surround yourself with people that make you feel comfortable in your pain. I know you are tired of people telling you : "it gets better", "do it for him", "try", but use him as a motivation,  I still wish I was gone but I know that would crush my boyfriend's heart, knowing he could be here and I am not trying to move on. 

Share your feelings. I think we have a lot in common. 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

I have the exact same story as smpl0409, only difference is my partner was 52, we don’t yet know the cause but it was sudden and unexpected, on 6/12, and we were together for 3 years.  We had longed for a devoted committed relationship for so long and finally found what we wanted for so long in each other.  He left that morning for a hike, something we had both become engaged in and the awesomeness awareness once we reached the pinnacle.  Richard was very active and fit and challenged himself to so many hiking miles this year.  It was not out of the ordinary for him to go on hikes alone.  I remember plainly that morning him saying “I love you”.  It was so special and gentle.  Not like any time he’s said it before.  Off he went.  He called a couple of times, the last being around 2 to let me know when he thought he would be back.  4 hours later there was a know at the door, the police looking for his next of kin.  Every sentient that smpl0409 shares is what I am now trying to find my way through.  I want to be where he is, right now.  All our plans to spend the rest of our lives together, gone.  All our short term plans for the summer, gone.  2 weeks before we looked at rings.  What do I do now?  My body is wasting away.  I can’t eat.  I can’t think.  My heart is broken and my soul is deflated.  We didn’t have enough time.

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died unexpectedly, that was 15 years ago.  We didn't meet until our mid-40s and had just put our lives together so it seemed, only to have it all come crashing down so suddenly.  Not one day has gone by but I think of him, our love remains long after his body gave out.

I wrote this article of what I've found helpful and want to share it with you as your loss is so fresh...I know when it happened to me, I didn't have a clue how to start or do this journey...we each find our own way, but I remember hearing to take one day at a time, and that really helped me as my anxiety was through the roof!  I STILL have to do one day at a time.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[TameraSanders]

He is my best friend and I love him and I miss him.  We are smiling or laughing in all or pictures.  We so enjoy going off and doing things together, even if it is just riding in the car with the top down.  If he had to go, why couldn’t it have been a breakup so that he is still here and his family did not have to grieve.  We are all having a hard time.  I pray every night that this will be the night that I wake up from this horrid dream.

[TameraSanders]

[TameraSanders]

I was going to move to the town he lived in, 1.5 hours from where I lived.  We decided in early 2019 that was what we wanted, to be together.  But I hesitated, went back and forth about selling or keeping my house, tried to find work there before moving.  Why didn’t I just go for it when we decided.  We could have been together but I wasted time.  I thought we had time.  We’re only in our early 50s.  He was very fit.  I should have trusted God to work out all the details and just left to be with him.  I thought I was being practical and making smart decisions and choices but all it was was indecision and doubt and lack of faith that everything would be ok.  I could have already been with him and this would have never happened.

[scba]

2 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

I was going to move to the town he lived in, 1.5 hours from where I lived.  We decided in early 2019 that was what we wanted, to be together.  But I hesitated, went back and forth about selling or keeping my house, tried to find work there before moving.  Why didn’t I just go for it when we decided.  We could have been together but I wasted time.  I thought we had time.  We’re only in our early 50s.  He was very fit.  I should have trusted God to work out all the details and just left to be with him.  I thought I was being practical and making smart decisions and choices but all it was was indecision and doubt and lack of faith that everything would be ok.  I could have already been with him and this would have never happened.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend 6 years ago, we were in our 30s and we were together for 4 years. I too should have moved with him right away but I rented an apt with my best friend instead cause I valued my independence and etc. I should have married him right away but we wanted to wait for his health to be restored. I should have done this and that, but I didn't. He died and our life, our dreams and the life as we knew it died with him too. His funeral was my funeral. I didn't feel him being there. I saw myself as a ghost who could barely stand up and stop crying. I remember each person who was there, each word I said. 

Years later I gave myself forgiveness and an absolution for not knowing that we had little time to be together, for what I didn't know and we didn't expect to happen. I say it in plural, cause I felt that he would be so sorry for not knowing too. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Being in the position that I knew I was going to lose my husband, it didn’t change the outcome obviously.   But I understand how you, Ana, and you, Tamara, got blindsided.  

That would be like me telling Steve to get a prostate test out of the blue.  It was not something I would ever think of in our day to day lives.  Or him having a heart attack when he was an avid cyclist and did 40 mile treks often.  It never crossed my mind.

II would hate to see either of you make yourselves feel worse with regrets about something you could not have known was going to happen.  Yes, if you did you would have spent more time together.  Done some things sooner and been able to talk more about your paths together ending.   I wish you would have gotten that time.  You were living as most people do, tho.  You can’t anticipate grief, there was no need to. This reminds me of my dad talking about armchair quarterbacking the day after the game.  You  didn’t marry or move in years before because of reasons in yourself that are valid.  You certainly had no motive to shortchange your time with them and I’m guessing these decisions were discussed.  Shoulds are very common and can haunt you forever.  It’s just my opinion,  but I hope you can free yourself from them.  Know you were living life with them the way it was with no guilt.  You loved them totally and they you.  That us what truly matters.  

[Kieron]

Yes, the shoulds are so common, so maddening, so helplessness-inducing.  You can drive yourself around the bend asking "why?" to questions that will never be answered.  I think it's safe to say we have all been there, and I am sorry for each of you, Smpl0409 and Tamera, because the loss is very fresh and I remember the feeling very well, 3+ years later.  Recently, the weather has been so hot that it's impossible to sleep upstairs, so the other night, I came downstairs to sleep on the couch where it's cooler.  I couldn't stay for long, though, because lying there reminded me of the night of the day that Mark died--the first night of the rest of time.  I couldn't sleep then, feeling ripped up inside, stomach churning and shell-shocked, and came downstairs to this same couch and just lay staring into space and didn't sleep more than a wink or two that first night of many.

I wish you some measure of peace, each of you.

[Smpl0409]

6 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

I was going to move to the town he lived in, 1.5 hours from where I lived.  We decided in early 2019 that was what we wanted, to be together.  But I hesitated, went back and forth about selling or keeping my house, tried to find work there before moving.  Why didn’t I just go for it when we decided.  We could have been together but I wasted time.  I thought we had time.  We’re only in our early 50s.  He was very fit.  I should have trusted God to work out all the details and just left to be with him.  I thought I was being practical and making smart decisions and choices but all it was was indecision and doubt and lack of faith that everything would be ok.  I could have already been with him and this would have never happened.

@TameraSanders It is a great picture, I am glad that you had wonderful moments and every single one is filled with a smile. I know you are full of regrets, maybe you wish you moved in with him earlier but trust me, thinking in all the possibilities will only hurt you, think in all the wonderful moments you had together, the laughs, the hikes you did, everything. It is a good thing you did not had to experience his death and causing even more trauma for you. It is something I struggle everyday, the image of him leaving.

Life is full of surprises but death is something that we all know will happen, we just never expect it when we are the happiest. Hold on to the great pictures, moments, to your family and every person that can make you feel better. 

@scba I am working in forgiveness, I have so much guilt of not doing enough and I am scared that this feeling will never leave. 

@Gwenivere I still think of all the "should"s. I often think: Why didn't I ever took him to the doctor to check his heart?, he was only 22 and every time he got the flu of his stomach hurt and we went to the doctor, nothing appeared, they said he was healthy, he needed an EKG but we never thought of it. I am full of regret but I know he would be sad to see me like this.

@Kieron Thank you for your message, I avoid a lot of places to because they remind me of him, I still can't visit the room in my house where he passed away. I am scared of everything really and I just wish this would end. 

 

[Smpl0409]

@TameraSanders I don't think many people get the chance to meet the love of their life but you did and even though he's gone, that is something you can be grateful for. Of course I am mad, I am super angry at everything but I am not angry with him for leaving, nor am I angry with God, even if I have questions. Anger, desolation, hopelessness, anxiety, all of that is completely normal, tomorrow is my boyfriend's 10th month gone and I am still in disbelief, I was so happy, why did it have to end, but I am learning to stay here because of my parents and his parents, they love me and want to see me get better. You can do it ❤️

[kayc]

@TameraSanders  A beautiful picture of the two of you!  

Oh if only we could foresee the future!  But we can't.  We thought we had time, but we didn't.  We were supposed to grow old together!  This was not in the plans.  These are the words of all of our hearts here.  But neither could any of us prevent their deaths, no matter how hard we wish it.  Though that may be our dying wish...

We were here together, loved each other, were perfect together, why it couldn't have lasted longer like it is for so many others, I don't know, never got any answers to why anything.  Not sure there are any.

Our hearts go out to you.

[Smpl0409]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

@TameraSanders  A beautiful picture of the two of you!  

Oh if only we could foresee the future!  But we can't.  We thought we had time, but we didn't.  We were supposed to grow old together!  This was not in the plans.  These are the words of all of our hearts here.  But neither could any of us prevent their deaths, no matter how hard we wish it.  Though that may be our dying wish...

We were here together, loved each other, were perfect together, why it couldn't have lasted longer like it is for so many others, I don't know, never got any answers to why anything.  Not sure there are any.

Our hearts go out to you.

I also struggle a lot with the questions that will remain unanswered. 

Being today the 10th month without him feels horrible, I feel numb, weak and frustrated, seems impossible to feel like this at the same time but it does and I am just so confused. 

[Gwenivere]

There comes a time we have to surrender to knowing we will never get the answers.   Especially answers that will bring any sense of peace.  I’m not sure I feel confusion anymore, just pain and longing.  I don’t know how many hours,days, weeks, months I’ve gone over my questions and just wound up in tears.  The fantasy wish they will come back or as Kay said we could have prevented it.  I have to search every day for purpose now.  Reason to keep going.  The pandemic almost makes it easier to not feel social pressure.   But then, it makes it even lonelier.  There’s just no balance in any of this.  

[scba]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There comes a time we have to surrender to knowing we will never get the answers.   Especially answers that will bring any sense of peace.  

That reminds me of the last scene of the movie "Jackie" and what the priest told her about the search for answers. That is a good movie about grief. 

I stopped asking questions. I buried the "what ifs". The word is right, you surrender. I fought and struggled a lot. Was going around in circles. There is nothing more "out there". Just a mistery, an invisible veil we cannot see through. But sometimes I do make questions just to feel a sense of freedom of spirit. There is silence, but my spirit is still free to ask. If there is an answer and an explanation, I wouldn't care. My love would be gone anyway. 

So I ask and I turn and walk away. 

[TameraSanders]

I feel so sick.  In 2018 is when we started getting close as a couple and I just saw a 2018 date that made me think of how our story further developed.  I want it all back.  He wasn’t a bad person, we are both good people.  Our relationship was so simple and genuine.  It’s not fair.  If he was a smoking drunk then maybe I could wrap my head around this but he left seemingly healthy and should have come back.  I still believe I am deep in a dream world and I can’t wake up.  He deserves to be among the living for a little while longer.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There comes a time we have to surrender to knowing we will never get the answers.   Especially answers that will bring any sense of peace.  I’m not sure I feel confusion anymore, just pain and longing.  I don’t know how many hours,days, weeks, months I’ve gone over my questions and just wound up in tears.  The fantasy wish they will come back or as Kay said we could have prevented it.  I have to search every day for purpose now.  Reason to keep going.  The pandemic almost makes it easier to not feel social pressure.   But then, it makes it even lonelier.  There’s just no balance in any of this.  

This is worthy of framing!

[kayc]

3 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

It’s not fair.

Nope, fairness doesn't enter in, with loss.    Sometimes I think as kids they did us a disservice in bending over backwards to "be fair."  The world is not a fair place.  We weren't taught how to deal with that.  Now it hits us!

 

[Kieron]

It's horribly unfair, and it was during the months after Mark died that I came to fully understand the truth of the old saying "Only the good die young."   We're stuck with the meanies and the jerks and all the awful people, and worse, it seems.  i don't understand it at all.

[TameraSanders]

[Smpl0409]

@Gwenivere I feel the same way, I sometimes think life is better this way (isolation) because I don't have to fake a smile or socialize but I also have nothing to do and It gives me a lot of time to drown in my thoughts. 

@scba I would like to see that movie "Jackie". Since I am studying to be a doctor, I am always stuck with things from that moment that don't make sense to me: doctors told me because of his disease we would have been out of breath all the time, he would have had high blood pressure, headaches, dizziness. The problem is nothing of that ever happened in the 2 years I knew him. I am so confused, I guess life is so weird and I just hope someday I will understand all of this. 

@TameraSanders I am still in denial also. We were not moving together yet but I just wake up and look through my phone looking for his messages or calls. I get it, It is surreal, it is so painful, full of doubts about life and all I can tell you is you don't need to be okay right now, grief is about taking your time and doing it step by step. I know maybe you don't want to talk about a lot of what happened to you but therapy is something that I did since it happened, even before and I can tell you it has helped me a lot. There is a great movie called "the cabin". There is a great book called "The road of tears" by Jorge Bucay, it really helped me. 

@kayc It is true, I think all the time about it, I never did good things to have a wonderful life or be rewarded, but I just think to myself: I always help others, I consider myself a great daughter, friend, sister, girlfriend and when this happened to me I discovered life does not care how good we are, death can happen to anyone. The best always leave. 

@Kieron My boyfriend was wonderful, he was super close to his parents, family and he was a great friend and partner. He was so committed to become a doctor too and I just always admired his perfect soul. He always made me laugh and for me every minute by his side was pure heaven. I don't understand why that happiness had to leave.

[TameraSanders]

10 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

He always made me laugh and for me every minute by his side was pure heaven. I don't understand why that happiness had to leave.

This right here!  And what do I have left?  A job that I have grown disillusioned with and was trying desperately to replace with a position in the area Richard lived.  Out of the two, what do I have left.  The one thing that wasn’t providing my happiness.  Why couldn’t I have been fired?  That’s a loss I would have gladly accepted and would have forced me to just step out on faith and move without employment.  Richard said I could do that and just take my time looking for work.  He would provide.  But no, I was trying to be responsible and wasted a whole year giving to a job that is not fulfilling me anymore when I could have been with him.  Now what do I have?  That same job that I’m now loathing because out of the two I WANTED RICHARD!!!.  I just had a crying meltdown awhile ago because I was already sad upon waking up (which I’m never going to wake up and be excited again) I went outside because that’s the only place of tranquility for me now (that and in bed because I can go to sleep to hopefully wake up from this dream and still have Richard or Richard appears to me and takes me back with him wherever he is) and prayed for God to restore what we had and then I come back inside to the computer with messages about stuff that really does it matter for anything?  I just cried and spoke out to God how much I didn’t want this job but I want Richard.  Oh how I hate waking up in the morning now.  I wish the night would never end.

[kayc]

I don't know that there is any understanding it...I long ago quit trying to figure that out.  I try to look for what good exists so I can fully appreciate it instead of comparing to the past which would suck any meaningful appreciation out of the present.  I do keep my eye on the hope I have...we will be together again!