I lost my boyfriend

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

 Oh how I hate waking up in the morning now.  I wish the night would never end.

The absolute worst part of my day is waking up.  I’ve been doing so in panic.  I don’t know how much of the reality I have to live I can keep taking.  I get hit with some bad memory now.  I’ve been so depressed my mind goes there.  Not something that was great and gives me the fuzzies to say, at least I had that.  When I shift to one, I get more bummed out.  I hate living in fear.  Fear of my mind, fear of my body, fear of the now and future.  Endless sleep sounds so good.  There isn’t one human being that needs me for anything in the world.  Doctors want to fix all kinds of things, some with extreme measures.  And for what?  Less pain and discomfort, yes.  But they can’t fix what’s not tangible. Now people really don’t want to get involved beyond their established friends or family because of the virus.  I think  about when Steve died and sooooo many people were upset.  Most of those same people would be upset if it had been me, but for HIM. I did have a couple people it would have impacted.  Everyone is gone now.  It’s strange knowing you’d only be noticed if someone heard about it in passing.  I’m still wondering about the timing of all this.  If ever I needed someone, it’s been this last year and poof!  My connections vanished.   This feels like some lab test to see how much it takes to break a person.

[Smpl0409]

@TameraSanders I understand you think you could've done things differently but it is simply God's plan, it was his decision and we just have to accept it. It will take time, I am still in shock but I am working on it. I wonder a lot too, what would've happened if we finished med school, got married and had children, our dream. But It never happened, and I am stuck with impossible dreams and people that will never make me happy like he did. You need to have people by your side, I am horrible with sharing my emotions with people close to me but If you have the opportunity, talk about it, express your pain so they can be there for you. 

@kayc I know I will accept him being gone when I can start looking at memories with happiness and less pain, it is still so painful to even think about him.

[Smpl0409]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The absolute worst part of my day is waking up.  I’ve been doing so in panic.  I don’t know how much of the reality I have to live I can keep taking.  I get hit with some bad memory now.  I’ve been so depressed my mind goes there.  Not something that was great and gives me the fuzzies to say, at least I had that.  When I shift to one, I get more bummed out.  I hate living in fear.  Fear of my mind, fear of my body, fear of the now and future.  Endless sleep sounds so good.  There isn’t one human being that needs me for anything in the world.  Doctors want to fix all kinds of things, some with extreme measures.  And for what?  Less pain and discomfort, yes.  But they can’t fix what’s not tangible. Now people really don’t want to get involved beyond their established friends or family because of the virus.  I think  about when Steve died and sooooo many people were upset.  Most of those same people would be upset if it had been me, but for HIM. I did have a couple people it would have impacted.  Everyone is gone now.  It’s strange knowing you’d only be noticed if someone heard about it in passing.  I’m still wondering about the timing of all this.  If ever I needed someone, it’s been this last year and poof!  My connections vanished.   This feels like some lab test to see how much it takes to break a person.

I agree, waking up is awful, you are forced to live,  I wake up searching for his text. I am so scared to, scared to live without him, people tell me I am so young and this is only an experience but he was my entire life, he was not a lesson nor a simple moment, he was the love of my life and I need him. 

I understand what you say, It is very difficult with the virus because we are more alone than we were before (if possible) but I think this time can be helpful to work on ourselves and look for motivation. You can do it ❤️

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

I understand you think you could've done things differently but it is simply God's plan, it was his decision and we just have to accept it.

A lot of people don't believe this way.   It's upsetting for people to think God did this on purpose to us, that ruining our lives was His will!  REGARDLESS of the reasons!  It made it easier for me to reconcile that life (and death) happens, no particular singling us out.  No fairness in it.  No making sense of it.  No answers to our asking "why."  I know God can bring good from even bad things as I've seen Him do it, over and over again!  But that seems an altogether different thing than PLANNING PURPOSEFULLY to destroy our lives!  Okay, something bad happened...and in the years since I've seen His care for me, I know He is with me, I am not alone.  But I can't wrap my head around Him being behind all this!  Maybe He is, it's just hard for me to grasp.

When I first lost George the mere word "acceptance" was enough to set me off.  It went so against my grain!  It was hard for me to wrap my head around what professionals mean when they say "acceptance" and what it meant to ME!  It took me a long time to get that...I think if they'd say "realize they're gone and get more used to the changes it means for our lives" I wouldn't have reacted so volatile as I did to the word "acceptance" but then again, maybe it's just me that had a strong reaction to that term.

[MartyT]

In Grief: Aversion To Thoughts of “Acceptance” And “Moving On”   ♥️

[TameraSanders]

12 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

@TameraSanders I understand you think you could've done things differently but it is simply God's plan, it was his decision

4 hours ago, kayc said:

A lot of people don't believe this way.   It's upsetting for people to think God did this on purpose to us, that ruining our lives was His will!  REGARDLESS of the reasons! 

While I do believe our names were included in the book of life at the start of creation, and I believe our life story was written at that time as well, I refuse to believe that God took Richards life because He had a better plan for me or a different path to go instead of being with Richard.  For that reason, I simply believe it was Richards time and fortunately he was doing exactly the one thing that he grew to love doing and find solace in, hiking.  Unfortunately, it has left me wondering why now when we finally found love and the companionship that we so desired.  We are at a good age in our lives where we know what matters and that wasn’t bling or pretensions, it was enjoying the simple things in life with someone and we just connected.  It was so good.  No drama from past relationships on either side, just starting slowly as friends and then realizing that we completed one another and that ended up in a deep love and adoration for one another.  

Richard was on a trail he had done numerous time.  This time he didn’t make it down.  Richard was definitely more of a competitive hiker in that he had set to hike at least a hundred miles before fall.  The day he died he was well over 70 miles with the whole summer left with planned trips to surely top 100 miles.  Our first “date” was a hike.  I told him I wanted to go to this location a lot of people at work were talking about and he knew exactly what I was talking about.  From that outing he looked for other opportunities to hike together.  For me it was the satisfaction of succeeding a difficult trail with a bonus payoff of taking in Gods great beauty and creations.  Upon reaching the top, we both came to a realization that it was just a spectacular awe inspiring moment that brought us closer to God.  In fact, on one of our trips as we were descending the path, I thanked him for the opportunity that he provided me in experiencing what we were doing because just 4 months prior I was sad and depressed that I just was never going to have anyone love me the way I wanted to be loved and that I was going to have another summer doing nothing (I had been rejected yet again by someone who wasn’t the person I should have been with anyway).  But as cautious as I was in the beginning with him, Richard stuck around and continued to connect with me when he had a weekend off to do something and calling to talk periodically.  While my faith was much deeper and studied than Richards, he would always listen and understand my beliefs.  One of the first things I was going to start doing when we were together was dedicated Bible study, even if it was memorizing a scripture.  I wanted us to be connected in our faith as we were in all other parts of our relationship.  He knew that was important to me and was very supportive.  We were working together to be more giving people especially to those who had urgent needs.  

We need more time.  Our love was a simple, gentle love.  The joy to me from that love made it so easy for me to spread love and joy to others.  Now that it is gone no one is receiving anything from me now.  The warm energetic smile I shared with others died on the trail in June.

[kayc]

You don't have anything IN you to give right now, early grief takes everything we can muster to get through.  Your love sounds very special.  We hiked just two weeks before he died, he struggled to make it to our goal, a waterfall...that last weekend we discovered he had five blocked arteries and it must have been nigh impossible to him but he made it...no more though.  I had no idea.

[TameraSanders]

Another night.  How I long for forever darkness because I just can’t take waking up to another day with the same pain and loss of what was, what could have been.  Friday’s are no good anymore because Richard didn’t come back to me on a Friday.  Also Friday is when I would go to be with him for the weekend after work.  He was my motivation for the week.  Now Friday is a constant reminder of this awful situation.  I last talked to him at 2:20, the police came by at 6 something.  So now I either have to be around someone (right now only person I really want to talk to is my son or Richards family and we don’t live in the same town) or I have to be out during that window of time on Fridays.  My son wasn’t available so I just got in the car and drove.  Anywhere.  Just anything to get me through 4-8 pm.  I though I was going to be ok, but literally EVERYTHING is a trigger of a memory of what was and will never be again.  I don’t know how to escape it.  So I cried all the way back home talking to myself in a blinding rainstorm.  This is senseless, there is no reason why he didn’t make it back, he’s done that trail many times, he should have come back like he always did, he was a good person, I would be with him tonight, we would be doing our thing enjoying being with each other, we were going away next week, I don’t know where he would have planned, it would have been fun, he was looking forward to having a home, he deserves to finally be happy and have what he always wanted.  I just miss him so much.  I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and repeat yet again having to exist for a day With these thoughts until it’s time to go to bed again.  I want to be with Richard.  We need to be together. I need to be with him.  We need to finish what we started.  We waited for so long.  I love him.

[Smpl0409]

@kayc I won't lie, I am still filled with anger but I am trying to understand that maybe his mission was completed, and that even though he was the love of my life, God only gave us the 2 years we knew each other. My boyfriend was very religious and I believe in God but I never went to church or anything, I just believed in Him. It is very difficult understanding a lot of things because I don't know a lot about the Bible, I just know that God won't ever do anything to hurt us, many may disagree but I just can't believe it. I believe He wants to make us stronger, He knows we can do this. 

@TameraSanders I wonder that too, why when we were the happiest, everything had to end, we where so young and full of aspirations. I am glad that he was doing something he loved in his last moments, I know it may not seem relevant but my boyfriend's death was very quick (sudden death) and doctors told me that it is the less painful way to go and I believe it is important that he was hiking (something he loved) because it would've been to traumatic for you to be with him. I appreciate a lot that you share your feelings and emotions here. 

Days get very difficult, I find darkness more difficult, the memories become stronger and there is so much more pain. Everyone is different. I understand that you don't want to talk to anyone, even if it is your son, do it, express your feelings and cry, it helps a lot. I struggle a lot with triggers too, everything is a trigger, school was the most difficult, I spend most of my time with him there, I still can't walk through the room where he passed away, I can't drive by certain places we used to go, I know we never lived together and many people will think our love was weaker but even at 20 and 22, our love was so strong and sincere. I was with the love of my life and that will never change. 

I know you miss him a lot and days become so shallow and meaningless, don't pressure yourself to get better, time will heal if you do the right things but right now, do what ever you want. You don't anything to anyone, you are in grief and anyone going through that understands how hard it is to even get out of bed and fake a smile. God gives the hardest battles to the strongest people, you can get through it. 

[Smpl0409]

@kayc I don't like the word acceptance neither but I sometimes say things to try to believe it. I know I have not accepted him being gone because I am getting stuck in the process, I am so scared of being without him, I grew so much with him and I changed so much since he's gone, I know this is not who I used to be. 

[Kieron]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

You don't have anything IN you to give right now, early grief takes everything we can muster to get through.

This is exactly right.  Grief is exhausting, especially in the early days.  It's hard work but the work goes on in the heart, mind and spirit, and the body can only reflect that by needing extra rest, sleep if possible, and food and water.  There's a reason we call it the grief journey.

[TameraSanders]

I woke up to daylight.  Why?  I just want it to stay dark and I just stay asleep.  

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

@kayc I don't like the word acceptance neither but I sometimes say things to try to believe it. I know I have not accepted him being gone because I am getting stuck in the process, I am so scared of being without him, I grew so much with him and I changed so much since he's gone, I know this is not who I used to be. 

And this is normal.  Our loss, our grief, the whole thing feels so alien and foreign to us, it's the hardest thing in the world.  Try to just be in today, cry the tears, they aid us in our processing and are like a release valve, we need to get them out and express ourselves to others that get it and will listen...this place is good for that.  Don't worry about venting or repeating yourself, we all get it, been there!  The thoughts you're having, we've had those thoughts, the same feelings.  I remember going out in the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs!  Probably scared a few bear and cougars.

[TameraSanders]

I did get up today.  Decided to hike to the point where Richard was found and lay some flowers.  I just needed to trace his steps.  Then I drove the route he would have taken to come back to me.  I’m tired, but glad I did it.  

[Smpl0409]

@kayc I remember my parents being so scared hearing me scream, begging for him to come back, now I just hide my feelings, it is much easier, I don't want to hear the same old things. I know they have great intentions but they can't understand, it is awful. Crying has been so reliving too, I feel so much better after doing it. 

@TameraSanders I am so glad you did that, a great gesture to leave those flowers there and remember him with love. Wonderful picture, It is a good place to visit. I am sure he's happy you did it. 

[kayc]

Tamara,

I hope it was cathartic to you, I know it was brave and undoubtedly difficult, but good for you, I love that you left flowers there.  I'm sure it meant a lot to him that you did that.

[TameraSanders]

Although I’ve been told no pressure but I’ve been asked if I want to ease back into coming in the office to work.  I have been working from home due to Covid since 3/19.  All of May and up to Richards death, I was working remotely from his apartment in a different city.  Our plans were for me to eventually quit this job and work/live where he is.  I had longed felt that I needed a change from that job, it wasn’t fulfilling me any longer, I was ready to move onto something less stressful and Richard understood and supported me.  We agreed to this plan in 1/2019.  Now all I have left is this job.  I physically cannot bring myself to go back in that office.  The reminders and thoughts of Richard once being my motivation and now he’s gone and the one thing I didn’t want remains is eating me up inside and bringing along a little bitterness.  The world is still churning and I need to hope back on and continue doing what I was doing as if his life, our lives together, don’t matter anymore.

I read a prayer that stated unit was by Gods grace that I was given another day.  Where was Gods grace for Richard?  To have other days to continue living for the good.  For my good.  Now I just don’t know what to do.  Well, I actually do know what I want to do, and that is to continue our lives together as planned, but since that will not happen, what I want to do is create a clean slate and start over anew.  New house, new job, and create something that is ours without the haunts of things that weren’t meant to be.  But, alas, just as I felt back in 2019 that everything has to be done methodically, I have to take my time because I still have to work.  But I don’t want to be there.  I know my job will not continue to let me work from home even though it is just if not more efficient as going into a building every day.  Every thing was going along so well.  Why did it have to change?  This definitely was not a change for the better.  And if God has something better for me down the road, did it have to occur with the loss of life of another?

I don’t want to be around others, least of all co workers.  I need the solitude that I have for myself and when I feel like I need social interaction I decide the where, when and with whom.

My mind is just all over the place.  Why did he have to die?  😔

[Gwenivere]

To be faced with going into work when just barely a month into your loss is terrible.  Since your employer isn’t pressuring you, you can decline, correct?  Many people don’t want to be back in offices yet.   With good reason.  Plus you know you don’t want to be around others emotionally right now.

You are only a month in with your grief.  I understand all the questions and frustration.  Keep venting it so it doesn’t build up.  No one has answers unfortunately.  We’ve all have the questions.  Especially the biggest one....why them?  

 

[kayc]

This pandemic will likely go on a few more months, if not longer.  Many people are not comfortable going in to work because of it.  They may not understand your main reason for not wanting to come in, not having gone through it themselves (plus people react differently to going back to work so even if they had, they may not have felt this way).  Perhaps you can simply tell them you are not comfortable going back to the office unless/until there are immunizations widely available.  Meanwhile, look for another job more to your liking.

On 7/15/2020 at 8:05 AM, TameraSanders said:

Where was Gods grace for Richard?

No answers...I asked why for a long time but finally accepted that in the wake of no resounding answers, I quit asking.  I think we try to make sense of something that is beyond our comprehension.  All of my questions never changed anything...in the end, I'm still without my George.  I know he's okay, so that's of consolation, but it is hard to live our lives without them here.  I wish we something tangible to tell you, Gwen said it right:

 

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Keep venting it so it doesn’t build up.  No one has answers unfortunately.  We’ve all have the questions.  Especially the biggest one....why them?  

 

[TameraSanders]

I will continue working from home for now.  3 weeks ago I was adamant I had to leave that job even yesterday when I wrote my message.  Now I’m thinking if I can figure out a way to work remotely for the remainder of my time (for I know that there is no such thing as forever in the physical sense and in the blink of an eye I too could be taken so I’m not going to say retirement).  But I feel continuing in the same job living in the same house as I was before Richard sets me back 10 giant leaps.  Does that even honor our hopes and dreams of having a place together to make ours the way we wanted it?  The house I live in now is my family home, where I grew up.  It’s not a part of Richard.  It’s my mothers yard with where she planted things where she wanted them.  Not Richards and my yard that I can choose where I want to plant a hydrangea in his memory and have fresh cut flowers.  He knew I wanted a small area to have a flower garden.  What about work?  He knew I wanted to slow my pace and basically work to assist in mortgage and household expenses.  Staying in this job will not lessen the stress.  Starting anew would give me the opportunity to continue to live for us the way we were planning.  But practically who am I kidding.  What almost 53 year old needs to be looking for another job when I’m ~15 years to retirement and how am I going to obtain a mortgage on a home when housing costs are going to be higher than what I expend in the old home I’m in now?  So much to think about.

[MartyT]

4 minutes ago, TameraSanders said:

So much to think about.

Yes. And making life-changing decisions when you're fairly new in your grief is not always the best policy. Better to make decisions that you can reverse if necessary ~ e.g., if you decide to move, instead of buying a house, consider renting instead.

[Gwenivere]

Marty is so right on the making  of decisions.  There’s a reason there are scavengers out there looking for mourning people to prey upon.  Our minds are not as they were and we are vulnerable.  Even without them, any kind of pressure from friends, family or even ourselves has to be looked at very carefully.  I think I waited a good 6 months before executing Steve’s will to distribute his possessions to his friends.  I never planned to move, but there were projects in queue that I reprioritized or scrapped.  I only did one thing immediately.  I removed every piece of medical equipment that was a daily reminder of the horrid fight he lost.  Put away all the RX’s.  I hardly recognized his office as it had once been before he got sick.  That brought a sadness, but better than to reminder of the last days.  That will live in my head forever as it is.

 I know you hate your job, want your own place you planned with him.  These are huge changes to task yourself with right now.  I know they may seem to be steps forward, but you have to tread carefully.  Give yourself time to adjust just to his lost physical presence.  The rest will be waiting for you when you aren’t so raw and looking for an escape (we all wanted to run from it) of the grief.  Many people try it, but it always catches up.  You can’t outrun or hide from it.  If you can, and know it’s hard, try not to go so far into the future.  You have to survive the now and maybe thinking into next week, but that’s it.  You still have some freedom here.  It’s just finding it and letting go of things that can wait.  I hope you can do that for yourself.

[MartyT]

Well said, Gwen. Thank you. ♥️    To Move Or Not: Making Decisions In The Wake of Grief

[TameraSanders]

@Gwenivere what you say is very thoughtful.  I just so badly want back what we had, what I feel Richard and I were denied.  I really thought I had my life partner.  The person I was going to grow old with, experience life with, love and cherish and receive the same from him.  I ache knowing that his happiness and our plans were cut short.  I just feel like running away and making my life what we were planning.  When I think about settling with the job and house, it makes me feel so bad and a little angry.  I wanted him.  I was giving up the other.  I feel trapped.  I feel robbed.  Why couldn’t my fairytale last?  I’m rambling.

[Kieron]

This is so very much on-point, Gwen, I wish I could upvote it 1,000 times.  

Tamera, you were robbed.  We all were, in our respective experiences.  🙁

Wow, that article To Move Or Not: Making Decisions In The Wake of Grief

contains this quote: "Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful. ~ José N. Harris

That is exactly where I am at the moment with staying here or going somewhere else, as I said in another thread.  😟😟