Haunted by his words, the images and the sounds. I can't get it out of my head

[Kieron]

The weight loss thing is probably pretty common.  I know I lost quite a bit in the last weeks of his life, and the weeks afterward.  Even though my appetite never really changed, I kept feeling like I was starving.  It was such a strange feeling.  It wasn't until later that I realized that there is really is such a seasoning as Love, an ingredient that makes everything taste better.   After 3+ years, I don't notice it as much, but I'll never take that feeling for granted, ever again.

As for the bad images, which I take to mean flashbacks, yes, those are very much a thing.  Your psyche witnessed powerful events that leave a lasting impression and they're bound to bring you flashbacks.  Since you have mentioned your faith path more than once, some of the suggestions I sometimes give others won't mesh real well with it.  Maybe others here have some ideas, but until then, I assure you what you are noticing is definitely an aftereffect of what you went through.  It's hard, I know.  🙁

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Missy1965 said:

Someone please tell me how to overcome the bad images from his hospital stay. I feel it is getting in the way of even beginning to cope. 

See In Grief: Using Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) 

[Missy1965]

4 hours ago, Kieron said:

The weight loss thing is probably pretty common.  I know I lost quite a bit in the last weeks of his life, and the weeks afterward.  Even though my appetite never really changed, I kept feeling like I was starving.  It was such a strange feeling.  It wasn't until later that I realized that there is really is such a seasoning as Love, an ingredient that makes everything taste better.   After 3+ years, I don't notice it as much, but I'll never take that feeling for granted, ever again.

As for the bad images, which I take to mean flashbacks, yes, those are very much a thing.  Your psyche witnessed powerful events that leave a lasting impression and they're bound to bring you flashbacks.  Since you have mentioned your faith path more than once, some of the suggestions I sometimes give others won't mesh real well with it.  Maybe others here have some ideas, but until then, I assure you what you are noticing is definitely an aftereffect of what you went through.  It's hard, I know.  🙁

Yes. Flashbacks. And I pray they ease with time. 

I came across some of his favorite songs this morning and I lost it. God how it hurt.

 

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

Someone please tell me how to overcome the bad images from his hospital stay. I feel it is getting in the way of even beginning to cope. 

You are being hit with all the questions no one here can ever answer.  I know that is frustrating to hear.   We've all seen things we can’t unsee.  I don’t know if overcome is the right word, but close enough.  I know when my mind kept dragging me back there and I stopped fighting it, I surrendered to the pain.  I would sometimes fall into deep despair or scream at the ugliness of it.  Eventually it has become a rare place I see now.  Usually only brought to mind when asked, heard about or even answering this post.  I feel it choking my stomach writing this.  It will never go away and it is something you will carry forever.  I wish we had delete options like recorded shows.  But we don’t.

you really must keep in mind how new this is for you.  Totally OK to ask, but most all your questions will be the same answer....time.  It sucks and you should scream about that too.  If ever we want time to move faster, it’s now.  It’s not getting in the way.  It’s part of the grief you have to face and find your way of handling it’s power.  We can only suggest what happened individually.  You can’t skip certain parts.  I’ll always have to carry what I saw.  The best we can offer is how we each handled it, but it doesn’t mean it will work for you.  I’m glad you said overcome, not erase.  That  shows some acceptance and gives you power you may not feel you have.  You’ve already made some progress you should give yourself credit for.  

[Missy1965]

4 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

You are being hit with all the questions no one here can ever answer.  I know that is frustrating to hear.   We've all seen things we can’t unsee.  I don’t know if overcome is the right word, but close enough.  I know when my mind kept dragging me back there and I stopped fighting it, I surrendered to the pain.  I would sometimes fall into deep despair or scream at the ugliness of it.  Eventually it has become a rare place I see now.  Usually only brought to mind when asked, heard about or even answering this post.  I feel it choking my stomach writing this.  It will never go away and it is something you will carry forever.  I wish we had delete options like recorded shows.  But we don’t.

you really must keep in mind how new this is for you.  Totally OK to ask, but most all your questions will be the same answer....time.  It sucks and you should scream about that too.  If ever we want time to move faster, it’s now.  It’s not getting in the way.  It’s part of the grief you have to face and find your way of handling it’s power.  We can only suggest what happened individually.  You can’t skip certain parts.  I’ll always have to carry what I saw.  The best we can offer is how we each handled it, but it doesn’t mean it will work for you.  I’m glad you said overcome, not erase.  That  shows some acceptance and gives you power you may not feel you have.  You’ve already made some progress you should give yourself credit for.  

Thank you. I would like suggestions as to how each person handled the ugliness of those final days/moments. 

[Margm]

5 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m glad you said overcome, not erase

You are a very wise woman Gwenivere.  No, I cannot erase the images of them working on Billy because I never understood "DNR"  I understand now and I can bring those images into my mind at any moment's "desire."  But, I do not desire to do so anymore, so I have to overcome the thought.  I can bring it back without really trying to, but your word of "overcome" and Missy's unconscious use of that word.........it may take a few months, maybe years, but the thoughts can be overcome.  

[Gwenivere]

I, too, can bring back that time if I choose.  Obviously, it’s not a place I want to go and does pop up now and then when triggered.  But I’ve been there so many times I keep learning to downgrade it to a forever memory and strip some power from it.  It was trying to banish it that kept it so strong.   We’ve picked up baggage we never wanted and some we get to let go of for good.  But most of the grief stuff we will be carrying or storing the rest of our lives.  

[iPraiseHim]

9 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I moved in with my parents and they make me eat even though I don't want to. I've lost 16 pounds. I can only stomach a little at a time. I drink plenty of fluids. I don't sleep in the bed Brian and I shared together but I long for him to be beside me. I may go horseback riding today with one of my sons. 

Someone please tell me how to overcome the bad images from his hospital stay. I feel it is getting in the way of even beginning to cope. 

You are fortunate to have your parents to help you through this.  I struggled with many things in the early days. It takes time to come to terms with the death of your beloved Brian.  I had images of when I found my beloved wife, Rose Anne dead.  I have pictures of her through my home to remind me of the better days and times.  I pray, write, or journal through those roughest times.  There is no timeline for this but it helped me to know that I am not alone in this grief journey.  There will be a time when this grief pain is less intense and severe. That time is different for everyone.  For me, I need to just focus on one day TODAY, not the past or the future.  Life will never be the same yet we all have lessons to learn through this grief and healing process.  My wife and I are physically separated yet she is still a part of my spirit, mind, and life.  I pray you find your grief journey that helps you through this shocking time. Shalom (Peace)

[Margm]

37 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

My wife and I are physically separated yet she is still a part of my spirit, mind, and life. 

Beautifully put and so true.  

 

[kayc]

On 8/2/2020 at 7:36 AM, Missy1965 said:

Someone please tell me how to overcome the bad images from his hospital stay. I feel it is getting in the way of even beginning to cope. 

https://www.healthjourneys.com/blog/ask-belleruth/have-you-heard-of-emotional-freedom-technique-eft.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html