Haunted by his words, the images and the sounds. I can't get it out of my head

[Missy1965]

I lost my soulmate of more than 3 years just 4 short days ago to liver and kidney failure. He had been sick for a few weeks but absolutely refused to go to the hospital. The times he did go he walked out of the ER pr left AMA. He hated hospitals. By the time he agreed to go it was too late to reverse the damage. He had end stage liver failure due to years of alcohol abuse and when his kidneys all but shut down, the doctors tried everything but they just couldn't catch up. His liver numbers improved slightly but the kidneys never kicked in. He swelled in his abdomen, legs, privates and feet. He lived one week in the hospital with his last day on hospice. 

During one of his lucid moments he said he knew why he was there and had brought it on himself. He then cried a little and I lost it. He looked at me and said please don't cry. The lucid moments gave me hope. For a week he fought it. He hated the hospital bed so he constantly tried to get up. Those images, his words, the sound of his breathing and his face after he passed are haunting me. I read scripture to him, held his hand, talked to him..for the entire week. I didn't eat or sleep. It's so unfair. I feel like I can't breathe. I walk around in a fog of tears and numbness. I've yelled at God because he didn't heal him and took him from me. I blame myself for not forcing him to get help sooner. So much guilt and regret. He was only 49 years old. He was my whole heart. I don't know if I can live. 

[Gwenivere]

The I’m so sorry for your losing your soulmate.  We here know all too well the tremendous pain you are feeling.  We can only do so much to help those we love if they are intent on their choices they don’t see affect us as well.  Being haunted by regret will take time to battle with. I’m sure this was something you brought up to him a lot.  I still harbor some anger at my husband who ignored getting a simple test done that might have saved him for waiting too long.   These are choices they made.  It doesn’t mean, however, they didn't love us enough.  

There are so many things that are going to hit you on this journey of life without him.  I can only say let them come when they do.  I know you are looking back at the sequence that led to this.  IF you can, stay in this moment.  Going back there just makes things worse, but it’s a tough challenge.  You are now forever changed and can pour out all you feel here.  Even the regrets.  Try to put your love for each first with everything you feel.  It’s been a very short time since he left yet an eternity.  We understand that all too well.

i hope you keep posting as everyone here will understand all you feel so you will not feel alone in this.  I’m sorry you are here.  I feel that for everyone for the price it cost us.  I would not have survived it without the help I’ve found here.  You speak a new language now we understand.  We never run short of hugs either.

[atotino@bell.net]

Your experience was EXACTLY like mine.

My husband also died of liver and kidney failure, same reason.

I pushed for him to go get checked and when he did,  and I went with him, the "doctor" ignored his symptoms, "too much salt intake!!!!!## The leg swelling. The following week we called 911. He was in hospital for 1 month and passed away. All the same symptoms as your husband. He was rarely lucid. That was super difficult for me and my kids. At least you were blessed with some words. No last words or whisperings. He suffered. Alot.

Regret? ?guilt?  Thats me. My husband was 54.

Ive had to pray to God for forgiveness and strength to help me move through the guilt.Ive come to the oint where I understand that God has forgiven me and if God has forgiven, then my husband does too. But its our guilt. We did as much we could. Addicitions are soo hard for the caregivers. What did I overlook?   I would have taken care of him.  If only he made it home but he went to his real home. God's home.

Terrible loss, so sad.

I understand your struggle Missy, yours is still sooo new. It will be soo overwhelming. One minute at a time. Keep praying for strength and courage.

God has picked me up. He will for you too.

Blessings to you.

Thanks for sharing 

A.

[Kieron]

I, too, am sorry for the passing of your soulmate.  Mine was a kidney patient on dialysis for over a decade and while he managed it relatively well (once the situation was finally diagnosed, due to his resistance and denial and procrastination), he didn't always make the best choices in eating or exercising.  Sometimes it was a toss-up between enjoying what life had to offer and staying on a strict renal diet.  I grew to appreciate how precarious the balancing act is that the kidneys do without our conscious control.  I noticed that in certain schools of thought, the kidneys are like a hinge on a door, or like an old-fashioned set of scales, the mid-point where the slightest change can upset the entire system and send it into a tailspin, especially when the kidneys are impaired. 

The cascade of emotions you are describing are so, so very normal, natural and to be expected, and at just 4 days into this journey that you didn't sign up for, you're numb, in a fog, breathing with difficulty, feeling like your soul was ripped out, all those things... we get it, here.

5 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I blame myself for not forcing him to get help sooner.

That, too, is understandable, and I've been there, too.  Blaming oneself, the one who died, God, anything you can think of... all of it is part of the journey, something you'll probably revisit often, as I did, but it was in the days afterward that I really realized the truth of that old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."  I tried to encourage exercise, movement, certainly healthy foods --which I think made the difference and reduced some of the harm --but in the end, he made his choices and all I could do was acknowledge they weren't always the best ones.

Something about the nature of men is to resist medical care until it's much too late.  I don't know if it's stubbornness or what it is, but it's a reality.  I'm sure you did what you could but in the end, it was his decision.  I know you wish it were otherwise.🙁

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I feel like I can't breathe. I walk around in a fog of tears and numbness. I've yelled at God because he didn't heal him and took him from me. I blame myself for not forcing him to get help sooner. So much guilt and regret. He was only 49 years old. He was my whole heart. I don't know if I can live. 

Missy:  I am so sorry to see you have had to join this forum but welcome you and hope you will come often and share your grief.  Your journey has just begun and I can only share what has helped me for the past five years - just try to get through each day, one day at the time.  There are some days I felt I was doing well getting through the day just one hour at a time.  

 Several of my conversations with God involved my anger on how disappointed I was with him that he felt he had to take my husband from his family that needed him so dearly which included how much I needed him.

Hoping you will find some peace from The Grief Healing Group.  Dee

[MartyT]

 

8 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I blame myself for not forcing him to get help sooner. So much guilt and regret.

 Grief and The Burden of Guilt

Guilt and Regret in Grief   

See also Guilt In The Wake of a Parent's Death. Although its focus is on loss of a parent, its content applies to the loss of a partner as well. ♥️

[Missy1965]

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I'm struggling with blaming myself for buying the liquor for him on the way home from work. He didn't have a job so I would stop at the liquor store on my way home. Yes he asked for it. He had started drinking more and I begged him to cut down. Doctors told him not to try to quit cold turkey because the withdrawals could kill him. He had horrible seizures when he did try to quit cold turkey a few times and it scared us both. You see? He wanted so badly to stop and in some ways I feel like I contributed to his illness and ultimately, his death. 

[MartyT]

My dear, if you had the power over his death, then it follows that you also had the power over his life, too ~ and we both know that is not true. None of us has that kind of control over another human being. You did what you thought was best for him at the time, and you did it out of your love for him. I hope that you will find a way to forgive yourself for being human. 

[Missy1965]

26 minutes ago, MartyT said:

My dear, if you had the power over his death, then it follows that you also had the power over his life, too ~ and we both know that is not true. None of us has that kind of control over another human being. You did what you thought was best for him at the time, and you did it out of your love for him. I hope that you will find a way to forgive yourself for being human. 

Thank you. It's just so raw and painful. I wish God would go ahead and take me so I can see him again. I just wanted him to be happy. We moved to the beach just 3 months ago because that was his dream. 

There's so much more but it's too much to type right now. He never really was at peace on this earth. He went thru so much pain mentally. He's finally at peace now. 

[MartyT]

I don't know if you're familiar with Al-Anon and all it has to offer, Missy ~ it may offer you some understanding and support as you come to terms with all the guilt and self-blame you're experiencing in the wake of your loss.

I invite you to watch this video:

 

[Gwenivere]

 Missy, my husband was a functioning alcoholic.  He never denied it.  He couldn’t.  We went thru times it was not controlled and those were ugly.  I had to make threats that were serious that could have ripped us apart.  I’m telling you this because I know the grip of alcohol on a person.  I’m terribly sad your fiancé could not get control and save himself and you.  I, also, bought the liquor for this house.  We were fortunate that it didn’t damage his body.  I guess he was more of a binge alcoholic when it was out of control.  Your situation was much more serious on that front.  Yes, you bought him alcohol.  Many may tell you that was not good.  But I understand.  I just can’t find  the words, but I get it.  That he tried cold turkey and endangered himself speaks volumes.  He needed help on the physical side as he had you for the emotional.  I’m an expert on beating myself up after the fact.  Sounds like you are too.  Marty is right, you can’t control another person.  You can only offer help and do the best you can.  He was trying, it was too late tho and that is what is so sad.  That you had to witness the choices the man you loved most made is horrendous.  My loss was to cancer and it was ugly and dark and forever etched in my mind.  Please don’t blame yourself.  Easier said than done, I know.  It was a disease as valid as cancer. Do not let anyone make you feel bad.  If they do, I’d suggest removing them from your life (maybe temporarily) as you have so much to process without opinions and judgements from outsiders.  Your love speaks volumes and he loved you, that is why he was trying.  Cling to that love.  It was a gift many do not get.  I’m so sorry he was not happy in general.  But I’m sure you brought light into that or him.  💖

[kayc]

Missy, I am so sorry for your loss.  My father was a functioning alcoholic.  He's why I determined to raise my own kids w/o drink in the home.  I have many memories...many bad but some good as well, he was a loving man but weak.  You had no more control over your husband's choices as to how he handled things than I did my dad's.  We can't control another.  My SIL just left my daughter last month but really their marriage began to crumble once he picked up the bottle because nothing was ever the same again and that was a few years ago.  He was like a son to me for 20 years...well that is before all this.

My heart goes out to you, I hope you forgive yourself whatever you imagine you did wrong, because the truth is, this was his weakness and you could not have changed it.  I am sorry you are missing him now...

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

He went thru so much pain mentally. He's finally at peace now. 

That can be your one consolation.  I look forward to the day I'll get to be with my husband again, for now it's been 15 years since he passed.  

I wrote this article based on the things I'd found helpful in the first ten years following his death, #1 being taking one day at a time and #2 being to look for any joy in life, no matter how small, embrace it, grasp it, it's what we have now.  Comparisons are real joy-killers so I try not to compare to the past or in so doing it would invalidate whatever good there is now.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Margm]

10 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I wish God would go ahead and take me so I can see him again.

Missy, I was going to make God take me.  I had my plans all thought out.  I never considered my middle aged children (who were hurting so bad) nor my grandchildren, I just wanted to get rid of what is mostly natural guilt, guilt for being alive and he was not.  It was not going to happen.  He was not going to leave.  There was no doubt in my mind.  He was me.  But he made a rather quick exit, he did not listen to me when I turned my back on him and told him "no" and he left anyhow.  My grown kids found out my plans and in their grief from losing their dad was their anger for my planning on leaving also.

We make it through each day, each week, each month, each year.  Time does not heal the wound, but we do learn to walk again.  My heart is with you my friend.  

[kayc]

Marg, I for one am glad you are here...you add so much to all of us around you!

[Missy1965]

Thank you all so much for the kind words.  I'm in a huge struggle as well with some of the fights we had and the things I said to him like he needed to get a job and that he was just bumming off of me. And things like all he wanted to do was get drunk and we couldn't enjoy anything. A few weeks before he went home to be with the Lord, I was nagging him about not working or helping around the house and he kept telling me he didn't feel well. He didn't LOOK sick at the time so I didn't know. I just didn't know...It is eating me alive. 

On another note, my sister lives in Navarre, Florida and has offered to let me stay with her and her family. I'm staying with my elderly parents and they're doing the best they can comforting me,  I cry constantly and it's putting stress on them. 

My sweethearts dream was to live on the beach so I got a job on the Gulf Coast. He got to enjoy it only 3 months. I feel like if I move to my sister's place I will be somehow rubbing it in his face by living by the beach. Like it would be unfair to him. We had so many plans but now he won't get to see his dream of beach life come true. Please help. I don't know what to do. 

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Marg, I for one am glad you are here...you add so much to all of us around you!

Yes Marg does add much to all of us.  I love the stories and Marg's southern style comments.  Dee

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I was nagging him about not working or helping around the house and he kept telling me he didn't feel well.

I had forgotten all about it, but the year leading up to George's death I remember talking to him about his never putting things away, I was puzzled by it because he'd never been like that before, turns out with five blocked arteries he didn't have the ENERGY to put things away!  I don't know how he commuted 75 miles to work four days a week and did the strenuous job he did, I didn't know he had heart trouble.  He did complain to the doctor but the doctor was dismissive.

You didn't know, any more than I did.  Be easy on yourself.  

[Kieron]

13 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I feel like if I move to my sister's place I will be somehow rubbing it in his face by living by the beach. Like it would be unfair to him.

Can you perhaps turn this statement around and consider it from another angle: by living by the beach you will, just possibly, be honoring his memory and living the life he would have wanted to?  Or that he might want you to honor him in this way?  Certainly, it could stir up more pain, tears and sadness, but in my view, you'd be experiencing those emotions no matter whether you stay where you are now, or go live the life. 

And the ocean's beauty has its subtle magic, as well as the scientifically proven negative ions from the waves, that will soothe you as you sit and stare at the horizon.  More on negative ions: How the beach can change our brains.

[Missy1965]

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

Can you perhaps turn this statement around and consider it from another angle: by living by the beach you will, just possibly, be honoring his memory and living the life he would have wanted to?  Or that he might want you to honor him in this way?  Certainly, it could stir up more pain, tears and sadness, but in my view, you'd be experiencing those emotions no matter whether you stay where you are now, or go live the life. 

And the ocean's beauty has its subtle magic, as well as the scientifically proven negative ions from the waves, that will soothe you as you sit and stare at the horizon.  More on negative ions: How the beach can change our brains.

Thank you. I don't know if I'm ready yet. He never really got to enjoy it except on a few occasions. He declined quickly. He did get to walk on the beach and stick his toes in the water and let it wash over his feet. At times we just drove and looked at the ocean. He was too tired a majority of the time or I had to work. There were times he wanted to go late at night but I had to get up early for work. I wish I had taken him now. 

The guilt I'm feeling is eating me alive. 

[Missy1965]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support but to be honest, I'm even more depressed seeing that there are people on here who are still in agony after years of grief. I have accepted the fact that I won't see my soulmate again until I go to my Heavenly home, and am incredibly sad I won't get to physically hold him, kiss him, he won't be able to do the things for me he loved to do, bring me home little happies...but death is a part of life and we're only here temporarily. That doesn't make this any easier, but I'm a Christian woman and will rely on God and my faith to get me thru this heartache. I'm not in denial. I'm very aware of the fact that half of my heart is gone. Now I need to work on letting certain things go and let my love RIP. 

Again, thank you all so much. 

[Margm]

7 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support but to be honest, I'm even more depressed seeing that there are people on here who are still in agony after years of grief

I'm sorry you could not see daylight through our grief.  There is light.  It just shines on one instead of two.  I've said this over and over, after my grandfather's death my grandmother was told (after 19 years), "well, you should be over it by now."  My grandmother said to herself, not to the woman speaking "It seems like yesterday."

You will find, you will grieve deeply because you loved deeply.  Perhaps you will see the light sooner than some of us older people.  You can look at life, and though he will not be with you, you will be young enough to make plans and know you have a future.  We all have a future, we eventually see the beauty in changing seasons, and we still talk to our loved one.  

I wish you happiness.

 “But in all of the sadness, when you’re feeling that your heart is empty, and lacking, you’ve got to remember that grief isn’t the absence of love. Grief is the proof that love is still there.” – Tessa Shaffter, Heaven Has No Regrets

[scba]

Hello,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm not sure how to express the following so I apologise in advance for my lack of good narrative. This is a community primarily based on love, comfort and care. People on here is in pain by the absence of what constitutes a part of their being. It may sound depressing to still be in agony after a long time, years too, but please remember grief is a unique and individual journey. And maybe we are those who will still be here to comfort those who have nowhere to go cause "it's been too long".

I am at year 6 and I miss and still cry. However, I have a new life weather I choose it or not. I work, I do households, I have a regular life but I coexist with my grief. I have survived. I see the sun and notice seasons. Doesn't mean I'm restored. Unfortunately that cannot be done after loosing my soulmate.

Whatever happens in my new life, one day I will be gone too and I will see him again in Heaven and live a life that will never end.  I hope your strong faith will help you to rebuild a new life. I have seen it helps tremendously in grief. 

And I have seen too those who seem to do pretty well and fine as if nothing has happened, perhaps they choose to hide their pain, silence it, or simply cancel it and put a stone on their past. Whatever, it is to be respected. This is a painful road and we cope the way we can. Here we are free to express our painful ache independently of the time that has passed. I lost my boyfriend 6 years ago. I was 35. I kindly disagree with Marg, it isn't a matter of age and youth. People with expertise in psychology can explain how age affects grief and "recovery". I don't have that knowledge. 

Peace to you and again I'm sorry for your loss. 

[MartyT]

Missy, my dear, you might find this thread in our New Beginnings forum to be of interest. It is written by two of our long-time members, Patty65 and KATPILOT, both of whom lost their beloved spouses and eventually found new love in each other: Simultaneous Grief and Love  ♥️

[Margm]

45 minutes ago, scba said:

I kindly disagree with Marg, it isn't a matter of age and youth. People with expertise in psychology can explain how age affects grief and "recovery". I don't have that knowledge. 

Ana, you are so right.  It does not matter our age or the number of years.  Isn't it wonderful to have loved someone so much, no matter how many years.