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Lost my husband October of 2014.  I understand how you feel.  People outside this think it gets easier.  It doesn’t.  It actually feels harder the more time I have lost with him.  A day that was normally celebrated is now a day to remind us of that life altering void that cannot be filled.  My heart goes out to you.  💔

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I'm so sorry for your loss.  I understand, anniversaries and anv. of death are very tough to get through.  Sometimes it feels a lifetime ago (15 years) and I wonder, was he ever really here with me?  But I have my memories, and yes, he existed, our life existed.

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I too am sorry for your loss.  I understand the pain is still there even though it was in 2014.  I believe we never get over the loss of someone that was so important in our life.  The special dates on the calendars only remind us how much they really meant to us.  I lost my husband in 2015 and the pain I feel today still feels like it was just yesterday.  My heart goes out to you as you walk this grief path, just please know, you are not alone.  Dee

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  • 3 weeks later...

I have repeated this so many times.  Sorry if it might hit some hard.  My grandma had a country store.  A visitor struck up a conversation.  Sometimes she would not see more than 4-5 people, sometimes a lot.  Way out in the country.  The city mouse said to the little country mouse, when asked how long her husband had been gone, and she said "19 years," well, she said that she had had plenty of time to "get over him."  After she left, my grandma, who was writing her memories, wrote "it seems like yesterday."  I was sitting on the front porch the day of my grandfather's death, I was 12-years-old.  He was the type of grandfather that let each grandchild know they were his favorite.  My grandmother's brother walked up to her and she had married at 15, he was 27.  She started naming off the people she had lost in this one man.  It was a love story.  And all of ours were love stories.  And we will love them as long as we live.  I am sorry for your loss.  Your in a good forum.  We understand.  Cannot cure, but we can keep time with the hymns.  

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It’s too bad Mimi left.  I was struck by your post, Marg.  Calling it a love story is perfect.  I know that is what I had and lost.  All of us.  Sometimes, and I am very guilty of it, we try and try to describe it.  That helps handling the grief.  But the core is a lost love.  One that can’t be replaced in any way.  No disrespect to those that have found other companions like Kathy and KatPilot.  I loved how they said it us a 4 person relationship.  For those of us that will never find or want another spouse, it’s the daily challenge of acceptance.  That I feel every morning when the alarm goes off.  My body and mind do not want to face another day without him.  I’m so sad going thru this pandemic and historic election without him to talk to.  I don’t want to grow old alone.  These are beyond my control and that is something I hate.  No matter how many around us, if we were rich or anything people think help, like time, they don’t.  Not until they lose their love story.  I’ve seen those that have, but it wasn’t as deep.  They do adjust because not all relationships are as intense.  I saw it with my aunts and uncles.  They married because it was expected and what people did.  I never saw that flame between them.  It’s hard, but you can see it with some couples.  It’s impossible to hide.  It hurts to see.  I feel like I could tell the couples I see that would be devastated and those that would grieve a bit and carry on.  Some days I wish I were one of those p.  Then I think of the times they missed that we had and know I wouldn’t trade that for anything.  Now just to figure out how to keep living without it.

i know my mother had it with my biological father.  The man she married after she loved, but her heart stayed with my father.  I’ll be forever grateful to the man that stepped into his shoes tho, he was the best of fathers.  He knew he was 2nd, but he loved us.  I made sure he knew he meant the world to me before he passed.  Not everyone could live with a ghost in a woman’s heart.

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We never get over them, no matter how we choose to do our remaining time.  Remarriage or not has nothing to do with it, we have to learn to live with this loss, this change, this grief that we carry inside of us.  How we do it is individual.  

When my mom had stage IV dementia, I remember her saying, "I used to have a husband, I wonder what happened to him?  We must have divorced or something..." and she looked off way into the past.  I told her, "No, Mom, you never would have divorced!  Daddy loved you and always will.  He's waiting for you in heaven."  She teared up, and said, "Oh, he is?"  She was touched.  I think it brought her consolation to know he still cared.

He'd been gone 33 years.  The dementia care place took his picture away because they said she cried when she saw it.  I don't think they should have.  As I told them, crying is not the worst thing.  Feeling nothing is. 

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Kay, that's so sad and so cruel of them.  They deprived her of being able to grieve.  The lack of common sense... 🙄  I am reminded that I was told that Mark's mother was given antidepressants some months after he passed because she was crying too much.  I told his sister who lives near her, my low opinion of that course of action, and she didn't quite agree but then I have issues with her for how she handled things.  oh well.

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10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 He knew he was 2nd, but he loved us.  I made sure he knew he meant the world to me before he passed.  Not everyone could live with a ghost in a woman’s heart.

Gwen, he was a great man.  That comes from the minds of those he left behind.  Your mother lost two great men and she was stronger than I am.  I don't think I could go through this after 54 years.  Besides, Billy would somehow manifest himself and take the other guy out the door.  

bears.jpg

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11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s too bad Mimi left.  I was struck by your post, Marg.  Calling it a love story is perfect.  I know that is what I had and lost.  All of us.  Sometimes, and I am very guilty of it, we try and try to describe it.  That helps handling the grief.  But the core is a lost love.  One that can’t be replaced in any way.  No disrespect to those that have found other companions like Kathy and KatPilot.  I loved how they said it us a 4 person relationship.  For those of us that will never find or want another spouse, it’s the daily challenge of acceptance.  That I feel every morning when the alarm goes off.  My body and mind do not want to face another day without him.  I’m so sad going thru this pandemic and historic election without him to talk to.  I don’t want to grow old alone.  These are beyond my control and that is something I hate.  No matter how many around us, if we were rich or anything people think help, like time, they don’t.  Not until they lose their love story.  I’ve seen those that have, but it wasn’t as deep.  They do adjust because not all relationships are as intense.  I saw it with my aunts and uncles.  They married because it was expected and what people did.  I never saw that flame between them.  It’s hard, but you can see it with some couples.  It’s impossible to hide.  It hurts to see.  I feel like I could tell the couples I see that would be devastated and those that would grieve a bit and carry on.  Some days I wish I were one of those p.  Then I think of the times they missed that we had and know I wouldn’t trade that for anything.  Now just to figure out how to keep living without it.

i know my mother had it with my biological father.  The man she married after she loved, but her heart stayed with my father.  I’ll be forever grateful to the man that stepped into his shoes tho, he was the best of fathers.  He knew he was 2nd, but he loved us.  I made sure he knew he meant the world to me before he passed.  Not everyone could live with a ghost in a woman’s heart.

So very poignant. I absolutely miss just telling Annette the stupid headlines off of Facebook and her getting a kick out of them. All of our little in-jokes are now like a dead language that nobody will hear anymore. I can't imagine not marrying somebody who wasn't your best friend. We never had children (she had menopause before I even met her, at 16), but that didn't matter. We joked we'd never want to pass on our bad DNA anyway. It took a lot of work to woo and win her (she really didn't like me after out initial break-up. I was socially awkward and I'm sure I have Asperger's, but it wasn't a thing then). I'm in no physical or mental state to ever do that again, but just not having that relationship ever again makes me just want to play in traffic. I could never commit suicide because I believe that would mean not going to Heaven. I just miss her sooooo much. Every day is like Sunday, y'know?

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I see your point Kay.  Mine being remarrying can make a difference for the person chosen.  Why I so admired my 'dad'.  He never fully had my mother because of that love for my real father.  And yes, we don’t get over that.  She was the perfect example to me.  

I don’t know about keeping things around or not if they cause someone with altered brain function.  That’s a real personal call. If it makes them suffer more by manifesting pain, obviously not good.  But your mom’s confusion complicated that too.  Quite the dilemma.  

I’m also undecided on antidepressants.  I know some people that would not be here or functional without them.  I’m on them myself, but that started many years before Steve’s loss as an attempt to control anxiety attacks that didn't work and now I’m stuck with them as the withdrawal is massively intense.  I think is also a personal decision in grief.  They won’t stop it, but for some they might make it more productive (?).  I saw Steve’s father stop caring for himself physically and mentally.  He needed help so he could function and face his wife’s loss.  Fortunately his daughter was a nurse and could assess this.  

What we come out of all this is chaos.  So many things to have to experience and try and figure out how we keep going.  HOW we keep going.  How each day feels like it will last forever in this void.  Trying to fill the hours so easily done before, now a ticking of the clock moving so slow, no matter how we try and busy ourselves.  

All we can attend to is our own grief and try to help others who’s needs are different or share things that help in mirror experiences.  If only it was a one size fits all.  It would still suck, but we’d all know what to do and not do.  But then, wed have to sacrifice our uniqueness.   There’s just no upside in any of this, there can’t be unless we could have them back.

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21 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm sure I have Asperger's

I was engaged to someone with Asperger's for a year, and once I understood it, I got it, and was fine with his responses.  We are still friends all these years later, although I hear from him less often now.  (He broke off with me, not the other way around, he was grieving his mom & a certain % of people can't do relationships at the same time as grieving, although his Asperger's may have figured into it some.)

Marg I love your picture/quote!  And wholeheartedly agree with it.  We weren't perfect but we were perfect for each other, perfect together.

 

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On 10/16/2020 at 10:13 AM, Kieron said:

Kay, that's so sad and so cruel of them.  They deprived her of being able to grieve.  The lack of common sense... 🙄  I am reminded that I was told that Mark's mother was given antidepressants some months after he passed because she was crying too much.  I told his sister who lives near her, my low opinion of that course of action, and she didn't quite agree but then I have issues with her for how she handled things.  oh well.

I can relate. My parents, seeing me suffering, made an appointment with a doctor and without any assessment, he prescribed me antidepressants. Just like that. I didn't take them. I'm not saying nobody should. I mean, It didn't sound right to put grief and depression together just like that.

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I’m not pro or con on antidepressants or other meds.  I just hope anyone needing help looks into many sources on a decision.  There are meds that can help sleep, anxiety, feelings of suicide that shouldn’t be dismissed.  I don’t believe in trying to snuff out grief, but I do think people sometimes need help to be at their strongest to endure it.  

That said, I think a counselor or therapist can help With that decision much better than a doctor.  Then you only need them for the RX.  Doctors are too eager to throw pills at anything, IMO.   Mental health is not their specialty.  

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Never tried one, but registered.  I’m not coherent at the time of it, but it sounded like you could get the program later in the day too.  Thanks Marty.  Looks good especially for those new to this and given the discussion on meds.   Gave ya a plug there for promoting it.  😁

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