please help

[cogrodnik]

my husband was only 24. he was a marine in the USMC. we only had a year together but it was the happiest year of my life. we recently just got married in september, I had almost 4 months of marriage with him before he was taken from me in a way I would never imagine. 

andrew got really sick right before thanksgiving. we found out he had non-hodgkin’s lymphoma and HLH. everyone told me I hit the cancer “jackpot”. I kept hearing the words treatable and curable. he really seemed to have a fighting chance. he had his first round of chemo and responded well to it. I was kept out of the hospital due to COVID and his mother was appointed the one and only visitor by her own accord because she raced me to the hospital. I got to see him once for 30 min outside the hospital in 4 weeks and that time would be the last time. i’ll never understand how or why it happened, but a massive stroke effected the left side of his brain where speech and cognitive tendencies were destroyed. I was told everything that made him andrew was gone. I was allowed to go in and be with him for end of life and removal of the ventilator. I watched the life leave my best friend’s eyes and watched him turn into just a body. this was all 2 days before christmas.

i’m on my 4th day without him. I feel like I betrayed him because I didn’t get him in to a doctor sooner. I feel guilty because I couldn’t fight my way into the hospital to comfort him while he was still alert. now I find myself in this storm of uncertainty for the rest of my life. everyone tells me i’m not alone and to take it day by day. i’ve read all the grief tips and have scheduled a therapy appointment. everyone on my social media is getting pregnant and engaged, going on vacations while i’m getting ready for my husband’s funeral. we had so much left to do, so much left to see. i’ll never be able to give him a family, i’ll never be able to grow old with him. I have random fits of screaming and crying. the pit of sadness in my heart won’t go away. I haven’t eaten or slept in roughly a week. i’m not suicidal but I want to go with him. I don’t want to be here without him. where do you go from here? will someone ever love me the same? will I ever love someone else the same? why can’t he just come back? 

[MartyT]

My heart breaks for you as I read your tragic story. To say that I am sorry for your loss seems so hollow and inadequate. It's good to know that you have scheduled a therapy appointment, as you deserve all the support you can find ~ and of course you are most welcome to be here with us. I have no answers to your very legitimate questions, except to encourage you to focus on the present moment, taking this one day, one hour, one moment at a time. ❤️ 

[kayc]

Maya Angelou wrote, "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

I am so sorry for your loss, and welcome you here.  As Marty said, I know that seems inadequate and trite but I truly mean it.  I'm also glad you're going to get help getting through this, we need it.  

Right now it's likely all you can do to remember to breathe, dress, eat something (and if you can't, try a smoothie).

We want to be here for you as you go through this,   when my husband died 15 1/2 years ago, it was suddenly, unexpectedly, way too soon, I was blindsided.  I didn't know how I'd live without him a week, let alone the "rest of my life."  And in my family we live well into our 90s.  I caution you to take one day at a time...right now breaking that down into one minute at a time.  No two grieve exactly the same, we find our own way, but we also share commonalities, enough that we can understand each other while going through this.  It's a life long journey that just began, but I want you to know that the intensity of pain will gradually diminish, I don't think we could handle it if it didn't.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[kayc]

51 minutes ago, cogrodnik said:

will someone ever love me the same? will I ever love someone else the same?

Every love/relationship is as unique as the people involved, so no, but it's up to you if you want to have a relationship on down the road...it's important to do our grief work first, try not to worry about that right now, right now, just get through today.

[widow'15]

I am so sorry for your loss of your love.  I can only join Marty and kayc in their words in reading your tragic loss.  You have taken the first step by joining this forum.   My heart breaks for you as you have to walk this path.  I lost my husband over 5 years ago.  I am still taking one day at a time and constantly telling myself that one day at a time is all I can handle, sometimes one hour at a time.  Dee 

[Gwenivere]

I, too, am so sorry for your loss.  Your future was ripped away from you and the pain is so intense.  I am 6 years into thus, but we had almost 40 years.  You will survive, tho it doesn’t feel like it now.  That’s totally normal.  It’s not the amount of time but the depth of the love.  I hope you can find some solace here in this family we have created that truly understand as no one that hasn’t experienced it can.  They think they do, but they don’t, especially at your younger age.  Most people haven’t even lost their parents yet to brush up to the cruelty of death.  There won’t be anything you feel not understood here.  Hugs to you during this terrible pain and shock.   

[Kieron]

I'm sorry, as well.  Looks like you have received some thoughtful responses already, from those who have been on this journey a longer while.  It's going to be raw and fresh for a while, so all of your emotions are natural and to be expected.  It's good that you have a therapist lined up, and it sounds like you have some supports around you.  But yes, meanwhile everyone's life goes on, with trips, pregnancies, kids, families, Christmas, birthdays, on and on and on, and there you stand... in the middle of the ruins of your life.  It's devastatingly unfair.

Reading your story brings back a lot of memories for me, and I am so sorry that you were kept out until the end.  I well understand watching his life leave him, and feeling his hands grow cold, and the way he looked, after the spirit had flown.  I hope you were able to hold him, his hands, his face, and all, at least.  They could give you that, at the very least, having kept you out for so long, as you described.  😢

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 It’s not the amount of time but the depth of the love.

For sure!  

[joe57]

I have several books on grief, I find them helpful. It’s been a month for me. The book Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse by Gary Roe was very helpful. Feel what you are feeling, it’s ok. Peace. 

[kayc]

@joe57,

I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, it really does help to get it out where people "get it" and hear you.  Can you tell us how long you've been on this journey?  I hope you've read my "Tips" article, this is an evolving journey so if something doesn't correlate with you right now, it may on down the road, so I hope you'll save it.

So glad you've joined us here and we welcome you.

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[joe57]

Thank you, kayc. My pretty little wife departed this earth December 1. We were married for almost 25 years and were perfect for each other. She had uterine cancer as an infant, and they radiated the heck out of her pelvic area (1961). Because of that, she had hip problems and we finally removed her left leg in 2008. But she was still the same girl-beautiful, spirited, joyful, inspiring to others and playful with me. We tried a prosthesis briefly but she got another infection in the other hip again so we just pulled the hips out in 2010. I’ve been pushing her in a wheelchair for 12 years and helping her as needed. She did as much as she could despite her limitations. She was my best friend and soulmate-we got along great together. When we would travel, we rarely had the radio on as we would just talk or just enjoy being quiet together. I miss her tremendously and it brings tears to my eyes when I think of her absence. October/November she was in and out of the hospital because of infections. She wound up with an ostomy at the end and they had removed her remaining foot. The plan was to remove the rest of the leg but we didn’t make that. My faith says she is in the excellent place with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (mine, too), and she is whole, complete, comfortable, and supremely happy, without any further surgeries. This is what lightens my load when I am hurting. 

[nashreed]

Joe, your post touched me deeply. What a brave, beautiful soul your wife was. I can relate because my Annette suffered so much in her 49 years. She had a below knee amputation after her ankle replacement got an infection in 2014. She has severe Rhumatoid Arthritis and was on Humira, which did not help her at all with the healing after surgery. So there were years of prosthetics and trying to stay mobile, but with the constant pain and other factors, like Type 1 Diabetes, it was an uphill struggle.  Through it all, she remained such a sweet soul, always trying to be positive when I was a worried, stressed mess. Why is it the best people are the ones that suffer in this life? I know that she is happy and carefree in Heaven. It's just so lonely without her love and kindness. It's an empty existence. Best of luck in your grief journey. 

James

[kayc]

Joe, she went through so much, but not only the pain and suffering, she also knew what it was to experience a partner and love, experience that relationship so fully.  George and I didn't have as long together, but we sure had the quality of relationship and I'm so glad we both got to experience that fullness before he left.  My faith is as yours, and it gives me hope and keeps me going.  You are so right, and that is also my consolation, they no longer experience limitations and pain as on earth.

[joe57]

nashreed, I just reread your last reply on this.  She was a brave, beautiful soul as you so well put it.  Brought tears to my eyes, again, but thank you.  She had over 35 hip surgeries over the years, along with other surgeries, and I was with her through them all, staying in the hospital when I could, and then helping her get around at home until she healed some.  She was braver than I could ever possibly be, so I would like to be brave for her through this grieving/mourning/bereaving.  It was very difficult for both of us that I could not be there as much for her in October and November because of the commie flu.  I believe I did some anticipatory grieving in November as I think I knew that this was not going well.  Posting and writing about it seems to help, but now that I am back to work and trying to get into the new 'normal', I find myself really hurting on the way home, knowing that she will not be there.

Peace.  Joe

[joe57]

kayc, I missed your reply on this and just saw it.  My Queen is in the excellent place, no more doctors, hospitals, clinics, appointments, pharmacies, etc.  But I miss my role as caregiver and I cry as I write this because that was a big part of who I am/was.  Now it's just trying to figure out who I am but I don't really want that, I just want to be who I was, and it's really hard to let go of that but I know one day I will have to.

Peace.  Joe

[nashreed]

43 minutes ago, joe57 said:

kayc, I missed your reply on this and just saw it.  My Queen is in the excellent place, no more doctors, hospitals, clinics, appointments, pharmacies, etc.  But I miss my role as caregiver and I cry as I write this because that was a big part of who I am/was.  Now it's just trying to figure out who I am but I don't really want that, I just want to be who I was, and it's really hard to let go of that but I know one day I will have to.

Peace.  Joe

I was my Annette's caregiver and best friend for 30 years. She started having severe RA 20 years ago, and was in constant pain the last several years. I know what it's like to not have an identity anymore. The worst part is not being needed by anyone. I was so used to her needing me. My Mom and brother got along fine without me before and don't need me now. I'm just an extra mouth to feed, a burden and expense. I have my sister-in-law and father-in-law, but they have full lives and don't need me. I could die today and it wouldn't matter to anyone living. I want so badly to just be with Annette. She was my whole world. 

[enna]

Loss of a Spouse

My heart aches for all of you who come here and share your pain. How fortunate we all are to have this safe place.  I have no answers for you. I come from where you are now.  The love of my life for forty years died in 2012 and I thought my life was over. It was not.  It was a new beginning for me. Because of my age (78 years young) I have suffered many losses during these years.  I have lost both grandparents, aunts and uncles, my parents, my siblings (all five are now with my parents) many friends and animals, but the most painful for me still is the loss of my husband. Each loss is unique whether we knew someone for a week or many years.

As someone who has come here since 2012, I can assure you that sharing is not only healing but allows one to know that he/she is not alone. When we come here, we can be assured that we are safe. I do not post anymore, but I still find comfort in reading what others have posted.

My heart hurts when I read what others are going through.

I hope you can be comforted by knowing you are not alone.

This forum provides a safe place for any loss.  And it is good to venture down to the Loss and Grief section on the main page when and if you are of the mind to see how others are working through their different losses. This section is not for the newly grieved.

Nothing happens if we don’t work through our grief.  It does not “go away” it will be there until we begin to work on it.  Coming here and sharing our losses is a beginning.

No one can tell you what to do with your grief, but we can say over and over again “you are not alone.”  We are not alone.

Early grief is crippling.  It stops us from doing what was easy before.  We get “brain fog” and can’t focus on things. We might spend days in bed.  We become numb to things around us. We don’t see how we can go on. 

This will change over time. We are left here to live the best lives we are able to. I believe that is what our spouses would want.  I believe that it will happen, and we will start to focus on the good things when we were together. This has been so for me. 

Be patient. We all need the support of one another.

Sending virtual hugs to those who like hugs.

Anne 

[nashreed]

Thank you, Anne. I'm happy you found a new beginning. I'm not looking for a new beginning- just a reason to go on, just a purpose. I don't expect a new relationship, or someone to need me... Just a connection to people who understand. It's amazing how a grumpy, antisocial misanthrope craves attention and to be heard after having a wonderful, understanding soul mate for so long. The whole in my soul is that great. 

[kayc]

New beginning doesn't mean new relationship, it means you're building your life again, with or without someone else in it.  I've been here since 2005, it took me three years just to process George's death, maybe longer.  It took years more to find purpose by being here for others going through this and starting a grief support group.  More years yet to build a life I could live.  It doesn't replace my old life, but instead I've learned to embrace what's good and fully appreciate it, living in the present so as not to miss whatever good there is.  These are some of what I've found along the way...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.