I lost the love of my life two weeks ago today...

[Pat R]

My name is Pat I am 64 years old, I live in Montana, and two weeks ago today, I lost my wife of 42 years.  Rhonda was an amazing woman who married me when she was 17 years old.  She was simply beautiful, but never acted like it.  She was fun, athletic, goofy, serious, religious, and kept me in line all those years.  I thanked God every day for allowing me to have such an incredible wife.

Together we raised four very successful children who became solid members of society and we ended up with 11 grandchildren so far. 

Rhonda was always a very healthy person… until last June when she developed a cough and it took a long time to go away.  The cough returned last November, and after extensive testing she was diagnosed with MDS Blood Cancer.

Although our world was turned upside down, we were very optimistic because the Doctors at the University of Washington Cancer clinic said she was a perfect candidate for treatment. 

We arrived in Seattle for treatment early because she was experiencing a fever. The doctors wanted to deal with that ASAP.  As they took Rhonda away, she hugged me and began to deeply cry.  Rhonda was tough and very seldom ever cried.  It broke my heart.

Because of Covid and Leukemia protocol I was not allowed to see Rhonda in her room at all.  So, we relied on Face Timing each other.  For several weeks Rhonda was going through her Chemo treatments.  She was getting run down, but through Face Timing I spent many hours telling her to fight hard because we were going to win the war.

After the first round of Chemo was complete the Doctors started a trial Chemo on her in pill form.  Rhonda was allowed to come home for rehab after the chemo.  I picked her up and things were going very well.  She was paying bills and getting ready to show me how to do it during second round of Chemo when she went back into the hospital.

She was having a hard time taking her pills and eating, but we were happy and very optimistic.  We had no doubts that we were going to beat Cancer.  The third day Rhonda was home she developed a temperature of 102.  We called the clinic and were directed to take her to the emergency room right then, and they would call ahead and make sure they were ready.

We arrived at the ER, they did not know anything.  My wife was sitting in the waiting area as I tried to call the clinic, the walls were too thick for my cell phone so I told my wife I was going to step outside and make the call.  I did and returned less than two minutes later, they had taken my wife and that was the last time I saw her conscious in person.

She was taken up to the Leukemia floor and they began a regiment of treatment to get rid of the fever.  We were told as soon as she was without a fever for two days she could come home again.  We were optimistic because she was such a fighter.

About 3-4 days later I was with my son and his wife at the store 5 minutes away from the hospital and I got a call from one of her many doctors.  I was excited, thinking all right she gets to come home.  (We had just Face Timed about two hours before) She had told me she was tired and didn’t feel really well so she was going to take a nap.

The Doctor told me that they found her unresponsive in her bed but were able to revive her after 11 minutes.  The shock and disbelief of what I was hearing about the love of my life simply brought me to my knees.  My love, my wife had died and they brought her back.

We rushed to the hospital and were taken to the ICU room she was in.  It was awful, she was not conscious and was hooked up to partial life support.  After several days of testing and evaluation I met with the doctors and they informed me that the was no brain activity and wanted to discuss what Rhonda would have wanted.

I made the decision and the breathing assistor was removed.  I stayed by Rhonda’s side for two and a half days as her body fought to stay alive.  It was awful because I wanted her to go to heaven.  During those two days I was alone with Rhonda, but I offered the opportunity for all friends and family members to talk to Rhonda by speaker phone.  Many-many people did so.  I do believe that she did hear them all. And it was wonderful for all her family and friends to say goodbye to her.

 

I watched the love of my life take her last breath.  Although I am glad I was with her till the end, I am still filled with so much grief that I truly do not want to live any more.  The pain, sadness, and loneliness is so overwhelming I don’t know what to do.  I have always been a very private man who dedicated himself to his wife and family so although I know a lot of people, I have no true friends.  My wife was my life.  We had big plans to travel and see all the kids…  That is now gone.

I simply don't know what to do.

[MartyT]

My heart bleeds for you, my dear man, and I wish I had the words to comfort you. I can only say how grateful I am that you've found your way to this warm and compassionate place. You are with kindred spirits here, and we welcome you with open arms and caring hearts. You are not alone. We are right here beside you, hurting with you, sending you love and light. I am so very sorry for your loss . . .  ❤️

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Pat R said:

I simply don't know what to do.

Pat R:  Of course you don't know what to do since losing your dear wife, Rhonda.  Your story of her illness and treatments had to be so difficult for her, you and your family.  I wish there were not a reason for you to join this forum, but hopefully you will find some solace from members here as you begin this pathway of grief.   I found this Grief Forum after losing my husband after 50+ years of marriage..... soon to be six years ago.  The one piece of advice I chose to follow is to take one day at a time.  I am still trying to get used to my husband not being here with me.   Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

[Pat R]

Thank you.  My entire world has been turned upside down.  Every 5 minutes it seems like something about her pops up and I realize that I will never see her again.  It just feels completely overwhelming and I don't want to live any more.  Its just too painful.  I also have been a very private man who dedicated his life to his wife and four kids.  So, I know a lot of people, but have no friends to talk to, or who could come stay with me.

I just don't know how to get through this, or do I just resign and give up...

Man life can be so hard sometimes

[Pat R]

6 minutes ago, widow'15 said:

Pat R:  Of course you don't know what to do since losing your dear wife, Rhonda.  Your story of her illness and treatments had to be so difficult for her, you and your family.  I wish there were not a reason for you to join this forum, but hopefully you will find some solace from members here as you begin this pathway of grief.   I found this Grief Forum after losing my husband after 50+ years of marriage..... soon to be six years ago.  The one piece of advice I chose to follow is to take one day at a time.  I am still trying to get used to my husband not being here with me.   Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

Thank you, I am so sorry for your loss after 50 years.  Rhonda and I always talked about how wonderful 50 years would be.  One thing that I appreciate here is that those who respond have been through this horror that I am in now.  So, when I read things that others say, it means something to me.

I am tired of all the cards and well wishers, including my own kids saying to be strong.  I played and coached football for over 40 years, I was plenty tough mentally... but all the mental strength in the world does not get me through this pain.

[Kieron]

1 hour ago, Pat R said:

all the mental strength in the world does not get me through this pain.

No, sadly it does not.  It feels like having had your heart ripped out.  I half-expected to see a hole in my chest, more than once, if I looked in the mirror.

You're not wrong in calling it "this horror" that we have been through, each in our own way.  It was difficult to read about your experience with intensive care, the tubes, the quality of life questions, the decision to remove the life support, as it mirrored some of my own experience.  And yes, the well-wishing, the tired "Sorry for your loss" and the admonitions to "be strong," or the "call me if you need anything" trope.  Oh yes, we get it.  🙁

1 hour ago, Pat R said:

So, I know a lot of people, but have no friends to talk to, or who could come stay with me.

That's pretty common with men, I think.  Certainly has been true for me.  And I found who my real friends were... only a few stuck with me in the "daze of days" afterward.  And the daze will linger for a good long while, I'm sorry to say.  Do try to hydrate, eat something each day if you can, get some sleep-- some combination of those.  Dee is right, take it a day at a time, an hour at a time if need be. 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Pat R said:

but all the mental strength in the world does not get me through this pain.

It won’t at this time from my experience.  You are still in shock, no matter what we think we know and anticipatory grief prepares us for the reality.  I had 5 years to prepare for the loss of my husband of 31 years at the time.  I’m now going into 7th year and am still a shadow of the woman I was with him.  Our hearts cannot conceive this is real. 
 

your kids have a different grief.  The bond is different so you will all grieve, but in very different ways.  I don’t know what they mean by bring strong. This isn’t a time of strength.  It’s a time of half of yourself ripped away leaving a gaping void.  You haven’t the strength to do more than get thru a day at a time, sometimes just an hour at a time.  I totally understand not wanting to see people and their attempts to console us.  Their intention is good, but unless they have experienced it themselves, they don’t understand the life altering intensity of this.  I wasn’t up to talking to anyone for months.  Fortunately I had counselors and found this place where I was completely understood without long explanations.  It’s like we learn another language overnight and need to connect with others that speak it.

you have images seared into your mind of her suffering and passing away.  You also have the memories of all the years you had that were happy and in no way thinking of being apart.  It took me a very long time to talk to people about Steve and my good times without tears.  I still don’t know how I will feel after I do.  I still hear his voice and know what he would say.in reply to things I wish I could tell him of daily experiences.   I also have to do everything alone now when I was part of a team.  I lost my best friend, the one person in the billions of people I mattered most to and vice versa.  That is a phenomenal loss.  I’ve had to adjust to being in love alone.  
 

I hope you will find the support here helpful.  I haven’t seen anything posted someone hasn’t felt and can relate to, whether the death sudden or knowing you had limited time.  My husband fought, like your wife, as hard a he could til the cancer won, which we knew it would.  I take some solace that we made the most of the time we had.  Doesn’t mean I don’t wake up every day wanting to see and hear him.  Touch him.  They are all around us in our homes by choices made on what’s in them.  No matter where we go, we carry them.  We see others together and ask why us?  
 

I’m glad you found us, but wish you hadn’t had to.  The membership cost is too much.  

[kayc]

We welcome you here, it doesn't take away your pain but it helps to express yourself to others that "get it," for me, my family/friends did not...they CANNOT unless they have been through it themselves, even though they may care about us.

Everything in life boils down to "before" and "after" when they were taken from us.  This one event impacted EVERYTHING in my life from then on!  

I am sorry you are in this situation, this pain, the shock, the loss...it's tremendous.  I hope you will continue to come here and read/post.  

We didn't meet until our mid-40s, he was the love of my life, my soulmate, and he barely turned 51 when he was suddenly gone from me.  All of our dreams for the future gone with him in an instant.  We were supposed to grow old together!  No one asked US if we wanted this, no one got our permission, this was thrust on us, all power stolen from us over our own lives.  There is no "getting over this" or "moving on from it,"  there is only learning to live with the changes it means for our lives, and that takes much time to process, absorb, realize, and find our way through it.  I have learned more in these 16 years than in the rest of my life put together, yet I'd trade it all to have him back for just five minutes, in a heartbeat!  

I was fortunate to find this site three weeks after he died, and it has been a lifesaver for me.   The following is in no particular order, as all of us are different and so are our timelines, what helps one doesn't strike another and it also evolves over time so some may be useful to you even years down the road if not now.  You are likely feeling sucker punched right now, unable to take much in, so it helps to save or print this to refer to later as the fog begins to lift a bit.  The single biggest piece of advice I got that helped me was to take one day at a time, the other was to look for good in every day, no matter how small, not comparing to the past because comparisons are real joy killers and invalidating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Pat R]

Thank you to everyone who has responded here.  Your words all ring so true, especially because you have been through it.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  The grief seems to just come and envelope me like a blanket collapsing on me.  I am so lonely right now and have no one to talk to.  I have always thought I had a deep faith in God, people say God has a plan,  now I am just really angry with Him.

 

People say this is part of His plan...  well that plan really sucks.

[MartyT]

In those moments when you feel a need to "do" ~ you might try doing a bit of reading, if you're able to concentrate long enough to do so.

I believe very strongly that grief can make us feel very crazy, isolated, and alone ~ unless we understand what is normal (and therefore predictable) in grief, so we can anticipate some of our reactions and discover what we can do to manage those reactions. (That is why your being here with us, among others whose losses and experiences are similar to your own, can be so helpful. We also offer lots of suggestions and reliable information you can trust.)

As an example, the anger you feel toward God right now is common and totally understandable. I invite you to read the following:

Is Anger One of The Stages of Grief?  

Religion and Spirituality in Grief

In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, Pat R said:

People say this is part of His plan...  well that plan really sucks.

I’m not a religious person, but I have gotten angry with god too.  Just on the chance he/she/it exists.  Want to cover my bases of anger.  As Marty said, it’s very common.  I even get furious with Steve now for leaving me.  Your journey will be uniquely yours, but we all understand the feelings.  It’s that forever change that we now face.  How unfair it feels, actually is.  The feeling of loss of control we never really had regarding biology.  It’s a hard lesson. As Kay said,  we weren’t even asked.  This was thrust upon us.  Of course we would have said no.  I so tire of hearing life isn’t fair.  I get it.  I live it every single day now.

[Margm]

On 4/2/2021 at 1:54 PM, Pat R said:

I watched the love of my life take her last breath.  Although I am glad I was with her till the end, I am still filled with so much grief that I truly do not want to live any more. 

Pat, in 1970, I typed a young woman and her husband, the patient.  I typed where the doctors came in and she was holding her husband like a baby and he was gone.  It hit me so hard, if that happened to me and Billy, I would do the same.  Ahead 35 years later, my husband of 54 years reached both arms out for me.  I knocked his arms down and said "NO!!!" I was not going to let him leave.  He had to listen to me.  We, at 54 years, had fought my cancer, his artery stenosis and stents, his stroking out from high blood pressure, and the year before my colon rupture with overall sepsis from all the radiation I had received in 1982.  They didn't tell me I was supposed to die.  No one spoke it around me, yet the pain I went through when I got home, could not take pain pills, so I walked our dead end street back and forth to allay the pain.  I would look up and he was at the door watching my every step.  I was supposed to die.  And now, he was telling me he had to go. NO!!!!  I was not letting him.  I was not holding him his last breath, I hit his arms down.  NO!!!!  We had been through too much to give up now.  We had things we still wanted to do, a new RV.  This time he didn't listen to me, he left.  In my messed up mind I counted out 50 morphine pills.  I would take the truck up into the Big Muddy Wilderness.  No one came except in hunting season.  I would drive down a hidden road and just wait to die.  I would go sit by a tree so my kids would not have to see me.  The animals would take care of the rest.  They somehow knew and now I was under the wrath of my two middle aged kids.  What could I do????

Three days later I wrote to this group.  They saved my life.  Does misery love company?  Well, it must, because they experienced everything you did, I did, and others did.  It is not an instant cure.  We never "cure" and time does not heal all wounds.  Rose Kennedy said eventually you develop scar tissue.  Pat, it took me 2-3 years before I saw the leaves in the spring and the flowers and still, Billy could not see them with me.  I read books of recent widows and widowers.  Martin Short's book helped me the most.  You see, I still talk to Billy.  My granddaughter says he won't answer me because it would scare me to death.  He answers my heart.  You have lost half your person.  You talk to that person.  Talk to her in Walmart, talk to her driving down the road, talk to her in church.  If you feel you have lost faith, well, I wear a necklace of a mustard seed because my faith seems that small most of the time.  You have seen too much.  You have hurt too much, and I'm afraid that film will replay until you can tamp it down.  Billy will be gone six years in October.  I almost hear him come through the door all the time.  Nothing is too weird.  One giant pillow-sham has his every day clothes in it.  It sleeps on one side of my bed.  His wooden urn has a note taped to it that he wrote in red Sharpie that says "LOVE YOU, BE BACK BY NOON" and it still gives me pause.  He had gone fishing.  

It does not quit hurting, ever, but you will develop scar tissue in time.  You won't forget, but the horror can be kept in the background, unless you bring it to the forefront.  Don't.  It is still there.  I screamed into a pillow and it hurt my head.  Won't do that again.  I cried so hard, and I cry at everything, but some crying leaves you breathless, and you think, it would just be so painless not to breathe.  

Keep reading.  Marty has help for you.  My heart is with you Pat.  It gets tolerable, that is the best I can say.  You do learn to breathe again, whether you want to or not.  And, you do have your family, although sometimes that does not seem enough, it will be.  

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Pat R said:

I have always thought I had a deep faith in God, people say God has a plan,  now I am just really angry with Him.

OMG, I can relate to what I felt when my George died.  I had always been an avid pray-er but when George died I felt God was a million miles away!  It took me about a year to realize He'd been with me all the time, carrying me, but I didn't realize it for my grief was a filter that obscured Him.  It helped me to think of it more like stuff that just happens, rather than attributing it to "God's Will" as so many people glibly have said to us.  Really, I hate cliches and find them most inappropriate!  They fail to take in OUR perspective and feelings!  It's such a shock and upsetting doesn't do it justice!  Cliches - answers to

We go at this in our own time and way, allowing ourselves to feel the pain and go through this little by little.  As Marg often speaks of her "mustard grain faith" it helps me to realize that even though our faith may be tiny, it's enough to see us through.  I look back over the years and my perspective is broader than it once was, I realize now that I have survived this, I can most likely survive anything!  But I don't relish or ask for it!

[Pat R]

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

Pat, in 1970, I typed a young woman and her husband, the patient.  I typed where the doctors came in and she was holding her husband like a baby and he was gone.  It hit me so hard, if that happened to me and Billy, I would do the same.  Ahead 35 years later, my husband of 54 years reached both arms out for me.  I knocked his arms down and said "NO!!!" I was not going to let him leave.  He had to listen to me.  We, at 54 years, had fought my cancer, his artery stenosis and stents, his stroking out from high blood pressure, and the year before my colon rupture with overall sepsis from all the radiation I had received in 1982.  They didn't tell me I was supposed to die.  No one spoke it around me, yet the pain I went through when I got home, could not take pain pills, so I walked our dead end street back and forth to allay the pain.  I would look up and he was at the door watching my every step.  I was supposed to die.  And now, he was telling me he had to go. NO!!!!  I was not letting him.  I was not holding him his last breath, I hit his arms down.  NO!!!!  We had been through too much to give up now.  We had things we still wanted to do, a new RV.  This time he didn't listen to me, he left.  In my messed up mind I counted out 50 morphine pills.  I would take the truck up into the Big Muddy Wilderness.  No one came except in hunting season.  I would drive down a hidden road and just wait to die.  I would go sit by a tree so my kids would not have to see me.  The animals would take care of the rest.  They somehow knew and now I was under the wrath of my two middle aged kids.  What could I do????

Three days later I wrote to this group.  They saved my life.  Does misery love company?  Well, it must, because they experienced everything you did, I did, and others did.  It is not an instant cure.  We never "cure" and time does not heal all wounds.  Rose Kennedy said eventually you develop scar tissue.  Pat, it took me 2-3 years before I saw the leaves in the spring and the flowers and still, Billy could not see them with me.  I read books of recent widows and widowers.  Martin Short's book helped me the most.  You see, I still talk to Billy.  My granddaughter says he won't answer me because it would scare me to death.  He answers my heart.  You have lost half your person.  You talk to that person.  Talk to her in Walmart, talk to her driving down the road, talk to her in church.  If you feel you have lost faith, well, I wear a necklace of a mustard seed because my faith seems that small most of the time.  You have seen too much.  You have hurt too much, and I'm afraid that film will replay until you can tamp it down.  Billy will be gone six years in October.  I almost hear him come through the door all the time.  Nothing is too weird.  One giant pillow-sham has his every day clothes in it.  It sleeps on one side of my bed.  His wooden urn has a note taped to it that he wrote in red Sharpie that says "LOVE YOU, BE BACK BY NOON" and it still gives me pause.  He had gone fishing.  

It does not quit hurting, ever, but you will develop scar tissue in time.  You won't forget, but the horror can be kept in the background, unless you bring it to the forefront.  Don't.  It is still there.  I screamed into a pillow and it hurt my head.  Won't do that again.  I cried so hard, and I cry at everything, but some crying leaves you breathless, and you think, it would just be so painless not to breathe.  

Keep reading.  Marty has help for you.  My heart is with you Pat.  It gets tolerable, that is the best I can say.  You do learn to breathe again, whether you want to or not.  And, you do have your family, although sometimes that does not seem enough, it will be.  

 

[Pat R]

When I read all these testaments from all of you it helps because I know that I am not alone. The pain is still unbearable, and I get all sorts of other people saying that things will eventually turn around and I will find happiness someday, but those people go home to their homes filled with happiness, laughter, love, and peace.

I walk into a house with three wonderful dogs.  But two of them are Rhonda's dogs who are depressed because they cant find her.  My house is deadly quiet and her chair sits empty.  Unless a person has gone through this the words they give are just empty to me.  

Thank you for the words, I know that you know how much they mean because I am sure that each one of you started just the way I have.

It helps to bare my soul here, but the pain seems to increase every day and I don't know if I can handle it.

[MartyT]

The hundreds of posts in this forum are testament to the fact that the pain of loss can be handled and worked through. You can handle the pain ~ your presence here with us is evidence that you are, in fact, handling it ~ and you will continue to do so as long as you allow yourself to acknowledge it. to feel it and to express it ~ and as long as you take care of yourself physically, even when you do not feel like doing so. See Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief 

[Margm]

The only words we can say are "I'm so sorry" and we mean them.  As to the other words people say to you, you really do learn to shut them out.  They mean well.  You feel half a person, and Pat, I have not found the other half that helped provide my love for people.  My great granddaughter is coming this summer.  Billy would be thrilled.  Billy is not here.  I am not thrilled.  I feel I will act appropriately, but she will feel half the love I have to give.  I have some resentment.  Billy never met her.  He should have.  Billy was total love for his children and his grandchildren and they had 100% of his time, love and energy.  I can only give 50%.  Six years in October.  I will never be enough, and I have not healed enough to give Billy's 100%.  You will handle it Pat.  You might not handle it like a whole person, because part of you is missing.  If you lost your legs, you would get a wheelchair.  As of going on six years, I still only have half a heart.  It happens sometimes.

Say the impossible happened and you married again.  My best friend did.  On their "honeymoon" he had a heart attack and she took care, very good care, of him for 12 to 14 years.  When he left, the time she did not allow herself to grieve her first husband, she now grieves both of them and at our age, she gets them confused.  I do not envy her.  I love her for my friend because while taking care of her second husband she let her own health go.  Now her hours are spent trying to live the best she can.  

I have no answers.  I still hurt.  I hope you are not one of those men that thinks tears are not to be shed.  Man, I lose half the sodium in my body even at dog food commercials.  Let the tears wash out.  It is sometimes a feeling of nothing but tears, sometimes you cry till you can't breathe, sometimes it provides a small fraction of help.  And talk to her, just as if she was still here.  Who knows, she might be right beside you.  

[kayc]

Pat, how are your dogs handling their grief?  It took my daughter to point out to me that our Lucky (dog) was grieving after my George died.  I was so in shock with my own grief I couldn't see anything!  
Grieving Pet

[Pat R]

23 hours ago, Marg M said:

The only words we can say are "I'm so sorry" and we mean them.  As to the other words people say to you, you really do learn to shut them out.  They mean well.  You feel half a person, and Pat, I have not found the other half that helped provide my love for people.  My great granddaughter is coming this summer.  Billy would be thrilled.  Billy is not here.  I am not thrilled.  I feel I will act appropriately, but she will feel half the love I have to give.  I have some resentment.  Billy never met her.  He should have.  Billy was total love for his children and his grandchildren and they had 100% of his time, love and energy.  I can only give 50%.  Six years in October.  I will never be enough, and I have not healed enough to give Billy's 100%.  You will handle it Pat.  You might not handle it like a whole person, because part of you is missing.  If you lost your legs, you would get a wheelchair.  As of going on six years, I still only have half a heart.  It happens sometimes.

Say the impossible happened and you married again.  My best friend did.  On their "honeymoon" he had a heart attack and she took care, very good care, of him for 12 to 14 years.  When he left, the time she did not allow herself to grieve her first husband, she now grieves both of them and at our age, she gets them confused.  I do not envy her.  I love her for my friend because while taking care of her second husband she let her own health go.  Now her hours are spent trying to live the best she can.  

I have no answers.  I still hurt.  I hope you are not one of those men that thinks tears are not to be shed.  Man, I lose half the sodium in my body even at dog food commercials.  Let the tears wash out.  It is sometimes a feeling of nothing but tears, sometimes you cry till you can't breathe, sometimes it provides a small fraction of help.  And talk to her, just as if she was still here.  Who knows, she might be right beside you.  

Thank you for these words.  I shed way to many tears for sure.  Today I had to go out and do yardwork and it was so very hard because we always did it together.  I cried the whole time and hated being out there alone.  I just hurt so bad because I used to maintain the house in perfect shape because I wanted her to be proud to come home to our home...  Now, I have no reason to do so.

[Gwenivere]

22 hours ago, Marg M said:

The only words we can say are "I'm so sorry" and we mean them.  As to the other words people say to you, you really do learn to shut them out. 

This can’t be stressed enough.  We’ve all probably experienced someone that has actually verbalized that we are doing something wrong by continuing to grieve.  Meaning well doesn’t matter to me anymore.  After 6 years I’m tired of being invalidated.  Best way I can shut them out is to not talk about it and that creates problems of its own.  
 

no one gets being half a person til it happens to them.  IF it happens to them.  I’ve seen people lose their partners and actually recover and I look at their connection and see it was quite different.  Not all commitments are deeply heartfelt.  
 

I'm a whole person I some ways, but in most others I will only be half.  I can act like a whole person, but it’s not how I feel.  I can’t love fully except him and my furry kids.  The worst is not feeling his love back.  I know some do.  Or feel signs.  For those, I am happy you have that help.

crying?  Essential.  Doesn’t matter our gender.  This is the biggest loss we’ll ever face.

[Pat R]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Pat, how are your dogs handling their grief?  It took my daughter to point out to me that our Lucky (dog) was grieving after my George died.  I was so in shock with my own grief I couldn't see anything!  
Grieving Pet

My Golden misses her but he is my boy.  The two little dogs are depressed for sure.  I give them a lot of love and attention, but then it hurts because they were her dogs and I see her when i look at them.  It is hard.

[Margm]

I cannot stress how different this is for all of us.  None of us are the same.  The only same we share is heart rendering loss.  My kin, my friend, had lived in her house 50 years.  The house is her loving husband's arms around her.  Many, many of my friends are like this.  I am so different, to the point of probably mentally different.  We were already talking to a realtor about putting the house on the market.  We had a new RV (I got rid of).  I cannot describe to you the beautiful location in a no crime area.  Wild animals all around, turkeys, deer, coyotes, foxes (and once in awhile a bear), it was so totally beautiful.  I spent about a week by myself, and it did not matter if the house was full, I was still by myself at that point in time.  My children, all my family would have done anything for me, so they did.  They helped me give away everything that wasn't his, they moved me into an apartment in our old hometown.  That beautiful place 175 miles from here was not home.  I hated it.  The sound was the loudest quiet I've ever heard.  Two friends wanted to lease (could not buy yet) and I just plain left it with them.  I could have waited and got money, but I didn't care about money without Billy.  He was my Billy the Kid that wanted the toys.  I didn't want anything but to hear people all around me, not bothering me, just knowing there were people alive in a world our children had gone to school, we had gone to school, we had been married here, he was not here but the essence of our old life was here and our new life was dead.  I was urged not to do this.  It had not been enough time.  I will say I have not regretted it at all.  My family keeps things stirred up enough and Billy left in October and my mom in August the next year.  Hard sounding, I have never cried for her.  I don't know why.  You have to do what makes you comfortable.  I would not advise taking my course.  It was right for me, but sometimes I am really different than regular folks.  Country?  Stubborn?  I'm where I have to be.  For me.  

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Pat R said:

I shed way to many tears for sure.  Today I had to go out and do yardwork and it was so very hard because we always did it together.  I cried the whole time and hated being out there alone. 

Pat R:  In my opinion I don't think we shed "too many tears".  We shed how many tears are required for us to find some temporary relief from that pain that is embedded in the center of our body.  As others have already commented, Pat, you are in the beginning of your grief. 

Even after almost six years without my husband, I still can break into tears over a trigger; a reminder of what used to be.  I have always found enjoyment working in our yard and even now when I am outside I still expect my husband to come find me to see what I was doing.  Unfortunately now, my time in the yard is limited due to my aches and pains, but it does give me some satisfaction to be outside where he created so many projects for me........... such as my lawn tool shed, or the tripod for my clematis vine to climb, or the arbor for my honeysuckle to climb.  It's almost like he is still out there somewhere watching over me while I work.   Please know, I understand how you feel.  Warm thoughts.  Dee

[Pat R]

Thank you to everyone. 

I am sure that everyone has thought this, but I pray all the time for the lord to just come and get me.  I am just so tired of the pain, the sorrow, the emptiness, the cancelled dreams, the hurt, the loneliness, I miss her so bad, and I am just so tired of being emotional.

[Margm]

I hate to be a sad sack, but when no one is with me, sometimes if I don't have nature to look at, or if I'm just not traveling I will feel sorry for myself and just say "Billy, you just are not here" and off I'll go.  I've done it today.  

I'm not afraid of "going" Pat, I just don't want my granddaughter to find me, she is 21, and I don't want to hurt my kids.  Our time will come on its on.  

I've had my faith stretched to its limits.  We don't talk Bible or politics but sometimes we get by with a little religion.  My mom, when troubled, and I think my mom's mind was troubled a lot.  She quoted so many things to me sometimes I thought Shakespeare was from the Bible.  She was so intelligent, but her mind was bothered, but she would say "sometimes we will know that peace that passes all understanding."  I closed my mom's eyes when she passed and I thought, she now knows that peace.  Mama had Alzheimer's.  Philippians 4:7, KJV:  "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

I'm not a real religious person Pat, but I wanted to go with Billy so much.  So many would have been hurt by my own selfishness, and I was afraid that taking my own life would be a sin in itself.  I'm not that good a person and have broke all the commandments (except killing and wanting what my neighbor had), so I thought maybe I might better stay awhile longer.  My health is not good (I'm not under a doctor's care), but my time will come.  And so will yours.  I won't mention any names, but we have had too much suicide in one family.  Please stay awhile longer.  I can't promise better times, not at all, but keep reading and let your thoughts out.  We are here for that and nothing you are thinking, well, we have all been there more than once.