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I've lost my love


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I am so sorry, of course you don't, I didn't either when it happened to me, all I could think was (it was right after his 51st birthday) I didn't know how to live a week without him in it and I could have 40 more years of this!!!  I learned to take a day at a time, sometimes an hour or minute, it was all I could handle.  I do it still, 16 1/2 years later.

We want to be here for you if you want us to.  Perhaps when you're ready, you can share some more with us?

Grief Process
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Dear Lisetta, I am truly sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place here where we are all going through the same grief as you, and you will no doubt find comfort in just 'spilling out' everything you have inside you and each and everyone of us will read your posts and heartily understand you. I lost my love just over a year ago-15/11/20, a few months after our 25th wedding anniversary. He was fine, never had health problems, and suddenly in a matter of minutes a fatal attack took him away from us.  

It's normal to think you can't carry on, I still do. I read Kayc's article above, and  it really helped me to clear my thoughts. Thank you Kayc. 

My thoughts are with you. 

Enza

 

 

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Thank you, his name was Matteo, he was only 47. I only met him 18 months ago but we loved each other more than we'd ever loved anyone else. We said we'd grow old together. He hadn't been very well for a few months and had lost some weight but we had no idea he was going to die. In October he ended up in hospital with pneumonia and blood clots and then they said he had lung cancer. He came home from hospital on the 7th November and I was staying there to care for him. We were trying to take it all in, trying to get him stronger but he just didn't and he had to go back into hospital 10 days later, it was my birthday, I went every day, he only wanted me there as his one visitor allowed. He died 4 days later, we didn't have any time to process it when they said the cancer had spread already and was terminal.  I hadn't met his family, his little girl lives with his ex and he was scared of losing contact if she knew he was in a new relationship, they'd only been separated for 6 months when I met him and I only met his brother for the first when he came to collect his things at the hospital. Matt was bipolar,  he was so beautiful, an artist, a gardener, and was studying for a degree in mechanical engineering so he could provide well for his daughter. He was wild and intelligent and funny and often deeply sad.  He just felt everything deeply and he couldn't deal with it when they told him it was terminal, he was just trying to sort out things with the mother of his daugter, he wasn't able to sleep, it's all so overwhelming.

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I'm very sorry for your loss. Welcome to this forum where you will find someone who reads and nods in agreement with how you are feeling today.

No matter if it was unexpected or foreseen, if they were old or young, we all have felt our hearts and lives have been crushed in a second, and we were left alive and confused. What happened? How? What went wrong? These questions ruminate over and over again. 

We all have been where you are today, feeling the despair and feeling totally lost. Being so recently it is going to be one day at a time, an hour a minute at a time. As much as you feel you can't do it, do not skip eating, drinking water and sleeping or taking short naps. Your body is going to ask you to rest, hydrate and nourish. If someone is staying with you, ask him/her to help you with these. You won't know now how to carry on so it's necessary to follow small survival steps. 

This forum is here for you, we understand. 

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Lisetta:  I am so sorry you have had to join this Grief Forum, but now that you have I hope you will find comfort in sharing your feelings as you find your way down this grief path.   I will agree how all have responded to you and especially Kay's advice to "take one day at a time".  I found one day was all I could manage in the beginning of my loss.   Dee

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I don’t think anyone could say it better than scba did.  When it’s so fresh and raw, nothing makes sense.  That you had so little time is cruel.  But nothing is as cruel as having so much of ourselves and the enriched person we became of them taken away.  I know half of me died that day.  Everything changed and will forever be that way.  It was hard, but you got to give him the best of you.  He knew he was loved.  A truly cherished gift.  I hope you find some solace here with us that totally understand.

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There is no making sense of it, it's beyond our ability to comprehend.  They liken it to brain trauma.  Grief hits us hard.  I am so sorry you lost your person.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/11/2021 at 2:58 PM, lisetta said:

Thank you, his name was Matteo, he was only 47. I only met him 18 months ago but we loved each other more than we'd ever loved anyone else. We said we'd grow old together. He hadn't been very well for a few months and had lost some weight but we had no idea he was going to die. In October he ended up in hospital with pneumonia and blood clots and then they said he had lung cancer. He came home from hospital on the 7th November and I was staying there to care for him. We were trying to take it all in, trying to get him stronger but he just didn't and he had to go back into hospital 10 days later, it was my birthday, I went every day, he only wanted me there as his one visitor allowed. He died 4 days later, we didn't have any time to process it when they said the cancer had spread already and was terminal.  I hadn't met his family, his little girl lives with his ex and he was scared of losing contact if she knew he was in a new relationship, they'd only been separated for 6 months when I met him and I only met his brother for the first when he came to collect his things at the hospital. Matt was bipolar,  he was so beautiful, an artist, a gardener, and was studying for a degree in mechanical engineering so he could provide well for his daughter. He was wild and intelligent and funny and often deeply sad.  He just felt everything deeply and he couldn't deal with it when they told him it was terminal, he was just trying to sort out things with the mother of his daugter, he wasn't able to sleep, it's all so overwhelming.

I'm so sorry. I lost my loved one almost 4 months ago now and it was sudden and traumatic too, though different circumstances. I'm sure it's been incredibly difficult not having known his family well and that you've felt very isolated from your love since he passed. I also experienced similar things to this and my heart goes out to you. It is a horrible place to be, not being seen as someone's closest person and not being treated accordingly. I hope I'm wrong and that you were able to take part in his service, if there was one, or speak with his family and become known to them.

How are you now? x

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  • 2 weeks later...

I also lost my person in July at age 47. I felt robbed of more time with him. I spent the first months being angry at the whole situation, which is really confusing because it's against my nature. His illness was slower but death was traumatic because of covid. I think the hospital continually made bad decisions. The grief comes in waves. The memorial helped me see some others were feeling my pain. I found some quotes that helped me for some reason. 

The wood is consumed but the fire keeps burning and we don't know when it will stop. - author unknown

 "The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? That's how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I'll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I'll become saccharine and won't develop much compassion for other people's suffering. Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible." Francis Ward Weller

That being said, I tried eating comfort food and it just swelled up my body and tears squeezed out the top, no comfort at all. 

I have also not finished settling the estate which I want to run away from. The problem with running away actually just prolonged it. Sometimes I wish I could take care of the books like I was in a hurry so it wasn't looming over me. 

Sorry you lost your person too, I know how you feel if you feel like you were cheated out of more time. 

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14 hours ago, Ellzbellz said:

I also lost my person in July at age 47.

Mine had just had his 51st birthday, I too felt very shocked and gypped.  It's been 16 1/2 years (he died Father's Day 2005) and learning to live without him is the hardest journey I've been on.  I've learned a lot about myself during that time.  I believe he's with me in spirit, that we'll be together again.

I lost weight at first, couldn't eat, then seemed to stuff my emotions with food, I'd been so healthy and then gained weight and got Diabetes.  In the past two years I've taken control of my health and got the weight off and reversed my diabetes, got off the meds. (Keto)  I'm on this for life.  I do relate to what you've said.

It helps to read/post, know you are not alone in this.  I like your quotes!

For you:

Grief Process

Tips to Make Your Way through Grief

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KayC, I struggle greatly with alternating between taking care of my health and not caring about it. I'm not looking to live till 99- that scares me to death to even contemplate. I have Type 2 Diabetes, and I don't eat that great. I still mooch off my family's provisions anyway, and they are NOT salad eaters whatsoever. My Mom is 85 and never exercises, eats microwave food almost exclusively and yet is doing fine- no mobility issues, no mental problems (just very hard of hearing)... My A1C is always good somehow miraculously. I'm afraid that my genes are "too good". It's a little late to start smoking- can't afford them anyway. 

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I don’t eat well either.  Not like I used to.  I really crave more salads and veggies.   Maybe if I can walk and stand again.  I don’t want be here that long either.  

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Oh Gwen, I'm in tears, it's so good to hear from you!  I didn't think you'd be able to respond this soon!  Sending you love!:wub:

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