This Is The First Time I Have Ever Written And I Am Scared Doing It

[jkw]

Hi John:

I read your poem last night, but was so touched that I couldn't respond. It is so beautiful, and you are so lucky to have had Jack in your life! I just recently joined this site. I lost my Mom on June 14, 2006. I was having a very hard time with it, until I found this site, and then things started getting a little better.

I just wanted you to know how much I enjoyed your poem and how deeply it touched me. Not only were you lucky to have Jack, but it sounds like he was fortunate to have you in his life too.

Take care,

Kim

[Jamie]

John,

I am going to try this again.....have posted 2 times this evening to you but they have not come through.

I wanted to write to you the second I stopped sobbing after I read your writing and your beautiful poem but I have been battling having trouble breathing and my heart beating between 160 to 200 beats a minute since last night.....having a very hard few days.

Thank you from deep in my heart for your kind words. I feel like you do...I am touched by each person on this site and the pain that they all are going through (which I wish we all didn't have to). But to know that there is a person here that knows the pain of seeing a loved one struggle with a brain tumor and understands is undescribable to me. Your Jack sounds like a wonderful person and the poem John, oh what a beautiful poem. I too hope that one day soon Herman will come to me in "Slumbers Gentle Ride". I ache to feel his touch again and smell him.

Thank you for the kind advice; what a beautiful idea for a quilt. I have given a few of Herman's belongings to family and one friend. To our sons, they asked for specific items. Craige - Herman's Medic Alert Bracelet (on the day of the funeral, Craige had the bracelet hanging out of his left suit pocket with his had held tightly to it) and Herman's watch. Justin - Herman's toque that he wore each winter (Justin carried the togue in his hand at the funeral and sleeps with it now) and Herman's electric razor. To his sister Martha - the last shirt Herman wore when she gave him a back rub. To his sister Phyllis - the shirt Herman wore to her wedding. To his sister Kim - the tie Herman wore to her wedding. To Herman's Mom - the sweater she gave him on our last Christmas together. To our close friend Cyndy - a muscle shirt that Herman wore when he cut the grass and hassled Cyndy outside....she loved it!!! Herman's Dad and sister Deb are still having trouble deciding what they would like of Herman's. All of Herman's remaining belongings are as they were when he left for the hospital and will stay like that for a long time yet I am sure.

I still cannot sleep in our bed, it is too empty for me, so I sleep on the couch (when I sleep that is) holding Herman's picture.

John, in your writing I can feel the love you and Jack shared and I wish that I could reach through the internet waves and give you a huge hug. I ope that you will come back soon and tell me more about Jack and yourself and again thank you, thank you, thank you. May hugs......Lori aka Jamie.

Derek: Thank you for welcoming me into the family and I will be there for you and all of these amazing people whenever they need me.

Kim: I am going to try and post Herman's obituary that I wrote...I hope it works because then you can all see my Herman. I'll let you all try and figure out the meaning of "forever my munchkin" and "I was the eight million dollar man". Just kidding, if you can't please ask if you would like to know...there is a special meaning behind them both. (hope I had some of you smile a little...i know there is not much to smile about alot of times so I thought I would at least try).

You are all such warm, understanding and caring souls and I am so glad that I found my way here.

Lots of hugs.....Lori

FOR_HERMAN.doc

Herman_James_Kehler.doc

[jkw]

Dear Lori:

What an amazing man. I am so touched. I'm speechless. Thank you for sharing his story with us. I feel like I knew him. It was beautiful. I wish I could be there with you, just to cry together with you. I understand why you are in such agony.

I will write more later. Right now, I am totally speechless, but appreciate you sharing that with us.

Sincerely,

Kim

[spunkye]

Lori,

I'm so sorry I can't read Herman's obituary. I can't get it to come up on my computer - but Kim said he must have been an amazing man and I, too, am so sorry for your grief.

I wrote a tiny little obituary through our mortuary and it was posted (supposedly) in my old town's (Oxnard) newspaper - but no one has seen it. I haven't even had Dick's ashes buried or a memorial service for him. It sounds terrible - I just don't want to deal with it. I don't feel like I'm doing anything to disrespect his memory as far as HE'S concerned, because he did have two wishes about his funeral (his daughters say he had three) and those two wishes were answered, even though not by me.

Dick has five grown kids - three daughters that live a couple or so hours from us, one son with whom he had a big fight about eight years and they haven't spoken since and one son in Minnesota. The daughters and I and the son in Minnesota got along ok - I was annoyed - as was my husband - for some selfish and uncaring things his daughters had done throughout the years, but there was no tension or nastiness with any of us....that's why his memorial mass - planned and executed by them - was such a shock.

They were here during his last few hours and when he died. Before he died one of the sisters got me in the kitchen to ask what plans I'd made for his funeral. Well - I hadn't made any. I had gone to the mortuary and made arrangements there and I had gone to the local cemetary to make some arrangements there, but other than that I hadn't made any plans. Most of our friends live in Oxnard (about 4 hours away) and since we moved to the San Diego area, we didn't really have any friends to speak of, so I was very torn about where and when to hold a memorial service....in Oxnard where his friends are or in Ramona, where we live but only about five people would attend. All I knew was that he wanted a Catholic Funeral Mass and he wanted certain music played.

After he died, the sister started on me again about a funeral...I was in no shape to talk about it. The sisters left about 10 minutes after he died and about an hour later one of them called and started talking to my daughter about a funeral. SHE told them I was in no shape to come up with those decisions yet - and that it took her a month to finally have a memorial service for her deceased husband.

Later - maybe the next day - another of the sisters called and talked to my daughter and said their dad had three wishes. One was for a Catholic Funeral Mass, one was for certain music and the last was to be buried in Oxnard (in the same cemetary as their monther)...she also said they were going to go ahead and make arrangements for the funeral mass, because they couldn't wait a month and "the sisters need closure".

A day or so after that, another sister called and told my friend (who was staying with me) that the funeral was scheduled for that Saturday, they had the priest set up and "Tommy is coming" (that's the brother we hadn't spoken with in eight years) "and I don't think Benita would be very comfortable being there."

Needless to say, I was beside myself...I can't remember when I have felt so sickeningly ill - my husband had just died and his daughters are making all the plans for his memorial - and I'm not welcome. It was utterly amazing and shocking - because we had all gotten along just fine on the outside...and there were no arguements or fights in the past - it was just so weird.

Anyway, another one called and told my friend, "of course she can come - we're mad at the other sister - she's done and said some strange things. Have Benita call me and I'll give her the address."

I wasn't going to call, but I did - and left a message on her answering machine basically telling her and her sisters off by saying that what they had done was the meanest, cruelest, nastiest thing I had ever seen or heard and if their dad had been alive he would have been very upset...and, of course, I would NOT be at their funeral...and if they wanted to bury their dad in Oxnard they could buy the plot...I was burying him in Ramona.

Haven't heard or talked to them since. I, of course, gave my permission to the mortuary to let them have some of Dick's ashes, and I bought two little "urn plots" for us at our local, very small and lovely cemetery..but no service from me yet. I feel that Dick DID get what he wanted by the girls giving him a Catholic mass and playing the music he wanted.

I am sorry this is so long - I needed to post it and I want to thank everyone who was ab le to get through it.

God bless and

Love, Benita

[jkw]

To Lori and Benita:

I hope you don't mind Lori, but I copied and pasted Herman's Eulogy so Benita could read it. Benita: What a coincidence, but we used to live in Ramona and Julian, in about 1981 - 1982. My husband's brother still lives in Santa Ysabel. What a small world. Sincerely, Kim

"FOR HERMAN:

We are here to celebrate the life of Herman James Kehler. He was an amazing man who showed incredible courage and strength.

Herman was born on November 15, 1964 to John and Agatha Kehler. He was their third child and the first and only son. He had two older sisters, Debbie and Phyllis and was followed by two more Martha and Kim.

When we look at Herman’s life as a young child it would in all likelihood resemble that of any other normal young boy with two older sisters. He was fought with by the two eldest and learned from them to torment the two younger. He also learned to hone his destructive nature. Tonka toys which were advertised to be indestructible were in his hands just the opposite. Luckily this tendancy would later change into a very creative quality. He was known for his uncanny ability to exceed at most everything that he undertook. Before the age of fifteen, he had already rebuilt a car motor. He was always willing to help those who did not possess the fine art of mechanics.

And so he grew into manhood. On December 17, 1983 he married the love of his life Lori. In the next few years, they joyfully received into their lives their two sons, Craige and Justin. Herman had for many years had some problems with his health. At the time, it could not be determined the nature of these problems but these problems came to light on the night of March 12, 1989. Now one thing I have to make you aware of is that Herman had an amazing sense of humor. He and his cousin Bruce were always pulling off some kind of antics. One thing that these two would always do was this spazz thing. They would flap their arms up by their chests and say DUH! Apparently Hermie did this so often that on this night Herman’s seizure seemed to be mimicking this gesture. Lori was first annoyed but soon realized that this was different when he would not stop. Lori called 911 when she saw Herman was blue in the face and foaming at the mouth. He was in fact having a Grand Mal seizure. Lori called Mom to let her know that Herman was on his way to the hospital, could she please come. Mom immediately called Phyllis who was already in the city to go to her aid. With two young boys at home Lori had to stay and wait for help to come before she could leave. Herman and Lori had just moved into a new apartment in a different section of Winnipeg and none of us had been there yet. Mom hastily gave Phyllis directions and they both were on their way. If anything this night has taught us it is to be prepared. Apparently Phyllis was low on fuel this night. She pulled into about three different gas stations for fuel, looked at her watch realized she didn’t have time and quickly took off. She was busily looking at her map when she passed a car on the street. Was that Lori she wondered? Phyllis by the way had just purchased a new car that Herm and Lori had not seen yet. With both wondering, they stopped and backed up. Luckily, Lori took just enough time to yell out the apartment number before she took off for the hospital. Lori had been driving up and down the street, torn between Herman and the boys. Mom had a story too. Her one tire was low and when she stopped to add air the machine wasn’t working and she lost some pressure instead. Mom reached the apartment and relieved Phyl to go and be with Lori.

Phyllis was with Lori when Herman was required to undergo a Spinal Tap. The horror of this test would haunt Herman for many years to come. He was then transferred to the Health Science Center and underwent a CAT scan. On March 13 he was given the diagnosis of a Brain Tumor that would change their lives forever.

As a family, we were in shock. Cancer touches people without prejudices. It doesn’t eliminate the young, old, single, married, those with families or those who would like to have one. As we struggled to make sense of this serious threat, Herman underwent his first surgery on March 14. Well, we now had the connection that was needed with his prior health problems. Sometimes the answers are not the easiest to accept.

Herman amazed us all by going home March 16. He had actually left his bed as soon as he was out of recovery to go downstairs to ask a former roommate if he could bum a smoke!

We were hopeful that this would be it and all would be well. The surgeons had removed a small amount of the tumor, which was located in the right front lobe of his brain. They were limited as to how they could take because the tumor was attached to his optical nerve and to remove too much would have ended his life. He was monitored and to the best of Herman and Lori’s ability life returned to normal. Herman went back to work and they took it day by day. I can still remember the time that Herman and I were talking, I called it a tumor but Herman looked me in the eye and said he had Cancer. That C word scared me to death. I was again amazed at the courage and bravery it must have taken just to face the day.

A second surgery was needed by the year of 1991. The area that had been removed in 89 was showing signs of regrowth. Once again Herman stunned the medical profession by remaining in the hospital for only two days. We hardly had time to go and visit him while he was in the hospital. He was always anxious to get back home to Lori and his boys. In a short time he was once again back to a seemingly normal life, Wife, kids, work and family. Throughout all of these health issues he and Lori did their best to have an open and honest relationship with their boys as to what was happening with their father. The real issue was neither they nor their doctors could give them the answers that they wanted. Would this treatment make their dad all better? Herman always reassured the boys that he would be around for a long, long time. He would be around to see them grow up and become men.

This time all went well until 1992. The tumor was once again making its presence known. This time the doctors suggested trying radiation. He was fitted with a mask, which fit as tightly as a second skin and was strapped onto a table making movement impossible. The success of the radiation depended on hitting the tumor in the exact right spot. He endured this form of treatment for 6 months. His hair fell out. Lori told us about the first time this happened. Herm had been on the phone with sister-in-law Noreen and had happened to reach up and scratch his head. Lori, hearing him scream had come running into the room. Herman was standing there looking at his hand that was covered with hair. It hadn’t fallen out one at a time. It was coming out in clumps. After the initial shock Herman would use this in turn to shock others! He loved to torment mom with this. At the end of the treatments he was left with only one strip of hair at the back of his head, which he guarded with his life. It didn’t matter how it looked, he would not consider cutting it. When his hair grew back it came in curly. This lasted for a short time and then he just started loosing his hair.

What we all found the most amazing about Herman was his faith, determination and his drive. Herman was an impatient man at times. He always did things in the quickest manner possible. This could clearly be seen in the way that he drove his car! He was also very quick with his wit. I admired the character that he possessed, it would seem to be a Kehler trait because I also share this twisted sense of humor. Herman would shoot you a look or lift one eyebrow and you would know that you were now entering the Herman zone. No one was safe from his comments, jokes and remarks. He could give it out and he could take it in. This would become the trademark that would separate him from the other cancer patients at the Cancer Care Center. His amazing sense of humor left a mark and made him unforgettable to all that he met. Lori told me that there were people in the medical field who would keep track of his appointments just to be able to run into him and share a moment of his time.

His third and final surgery took place on September 30, 1994. Herman was a medical marvel. He was one of five percent of the world population with this type of cancer. The tumor was actually two different types of cancer housed in one tumor. One was malignant and the other benign. The radiation had caused one of the cancers to shrink and the other to grow. The doctors, knowing that this would be the last time they could subject Hermie to surgery, went as deep into the tumor as was humanly possible. The depth of this final procedure caused Herm a lot more pain than the past two surgeries. Yet, once again, Herman climbed back up from this blow and continued on with life. Debbie had once commended him on his amazing courage and strength. He had looked at her with a puzzled look and had replied; you seriously don’t think that I’m doing this on my own do you? If it wasn’t for God and all the prayers said for me and my family, I wouldn’t be here doing what I’m doing. We were all holding Herman and Lori up in prayer but to go to a person who is living every moment of everyday with life threatening cancer and ask if they are living for God didn’t seem to be right. This confirmation of his faith and his dependence on God brought us great comfort. It seemed to be a subject that we just didn’t know how to approach. Many times people meaning to be helpful will say to a person who could be terminally ill that all they need to do is trust in God. At times, this well meaning comment will also include the mentality that if you trusted enough, you would also be healed. Though trusting, believing, and serving God are most important, it doesn’t mean that physical healing will be a guarantee. The guarantee is that God will carry you. We saw this in Herman.

Herman had been willing to submit himself to the surgeries and the radiation. He had drawn the line at undergoing Chemotherapy. This was something that he just didn’t want in his life. How could a person possibly survive cancer with toxins being pumped directly into your veins? Herman pushed this thought as far out of his mind as possible and continued on living. Why waste time worrying about it?

This worry met him head on in 98. The tumor had grown again but this time it was growing in the roots. Complete removal of the tumor was never an option because the tumor had tentacles that reached deep into the brain. Chemo was the only option. Herman was told that if he didn’t go for the Chemo he would have less than a year to live. I can remember sitting in church with a friend that first Sunday after we heard the news. Why God? Why are you letting it come to this? Can’t you please, oh please save him from this? Please heal our brother. Debbie had requested prayer for Herm and we all joined, praying for healing and strength. God delivered. Healing came in the form of the Chemo and strength came in his decision to take it. Herman started his first round of Chemo. He was on it for a year. He was still the same man that he was before he changed his mind about Chemo. He was definitely showing all that he was more than willing to put up a fight. Everyone has heard the horrors of Chemo and Herman endured the pain and sickness, which resulted from the drugs. He still was working full time and doing his best to present as normal a life as possible. I can recall mom telling me that what really bothered Herm during these trips to the Hospital to receive his treatments was watching the small children receiving theirs. At this time the Cancer Treatment for adults and children were on the same ward.

Herman started his second round of Chemo in June 2001. It should be duly noted that Herman allowed the doctors to use him as a test subject. After each of his surgeries he would sign a consent form to do testing on the biopsies, all in the hope of possibly finding a cure that would benefit him as well as others. He continued to persevere in light of his medical condition. At one checkup, Lori had mentioned to the Doctor that Herman was an incredible tenacious man. The doctor laughed and told her that if Herman had not been that way, he probably would have succumbed to the tumor may years before. It would become apparent that Herman would have to endure a third round of Chemo. Half way through this third round of treatments Herman felt that it was no longer possible for him to continue working full time. One of the side effects of the tumor were mini seizures that he was having. He had experienced one of these at work and his ability to continue driving was brought into question. He did eventually loose his drivers because of the seizures. Without the privilege of driving, he lost a large portion of his independence. It would however be a gift of personal time for mother and son. Herman and mom had a routine that they would follow on the days that Herm would go in for the constant blood work that was needed to keep an eye on his condition. I can remember that we would all hold our breath whenever Herm would be going in for one of the CAT scans or the MRI tests. We would gratefully exhale when the results would come back and there was no change in the tumor. He now spent his days at home doing what was needed.

Herm started his fourth and final round of Chemo on September 13, 2004. His health was showing obvious signs of decline at this time, he was tiring much easier these days. It was incredible to see him continuing the battle when so few had ever made it to this stage. It was nothing short of a miracle that he was going on to round four when most died after round two. He had a goal in mind. He was going to live until both his boys had completed High School. With this in mind, he pushed on. He continued to pester and annoy others as he had always done. None were safe from his antics. He continued to live as normal as his health would allow. Whether this was helping a neighbor, cooking, cleaning, continuing with the house renovations or taking one of the many daily walks with his dog, Buddie. His addiction to chocolate bars, chocolate milk and the all mighty can of Coke made him and Buddie regular fixtures at the Mohawk on the corner. Buddie became Herman’s leader after the dog learned to recognize the health signs of his master. He had become accustomed to the behavior that accompanied his seizures and started to lead instead of being led. He would become quite agitated whenever Herman would leave the house without him. If Herman would have a seizure while he was out walking, he would just continue to walk, not realizing where he was going or far he had gone. When this would occur, he would have to call home for a ride because he did not have the strength to walk back. The dog was allowed to go with and would help to look for Herman. After this happened a few times, Buddie would no longer allow Herm to leave the house without him. He felt responsible for Hermie. He started to hold the leash between his teeth and only allow Herman to go a certain distance before turning him around to go home. They had a routine and this routine was set in stone. He also had a very special relationship with their three cats. They too seemed to sense the health problems with their master. One of the cats would sleep on the bed next to Herman and had to be touching him at night. If Herm would have a tumor headache, the cat would lick his head and groom him throughout the night. When Herm’s health would take a slide the cats began showing signs of their stress by pulling out their hair.

As we near the end of Herman’s life story, we want to testify to the many miracles that were evident at this time. Herman underwent a routine MRI on October 5, 2005. On October the 7th the results were in and there was no change in the size of the tumor. Herman was still managing to make the most of each day even though on these days it was mostly about sleeping and keeping on track with the numerous pills he needed to take everyday. He had taken it upon himself to construct a chart in order to monitor his meds. The shear number of pills that needed to be taken on a daily basis just to maintain life at times was overwhelming for him. Lori and the boys had on a number of occasions told Herman that if he was too tired to go on that it was alright to stop fighting. They told him that they loved him and that they would be alright. What mattered right now was that he was at peace and to know that he had been an inspiration to them all. His valor was uncomparible. His determination and his drive had far exceeded the length for life. The normal life expectancy for a person stricken with a brain tumor is anywhere from 3 months to 3 years. Herman lived with his tumor for an amazing 17 years. He managed to remain working full time even while on Chemo for 15 of these years. We are so very thankful to God for this wondrous gift.

On Saturday, October 15, 2005, Herman was again stricken with seizures. This time they felt different to him and he asked Lori to take him to the hospital. Once there, he underwent a seizure that was uncomparable to any other. The force and duration of this seizure had the medical staff struggling for answers. The MRI results were brought into question, had there been a mistake in the findings? Had it been a stroke? If so, what would happen now? They continued to run more tests to find the cause and one of these tests would include a Spinal Tap. At the mere mention of the test, Herman paled. Martha and Kim were at the hospital on Monday with Herman and Lori and asked if it would be alright if they would pray for a pain free test. Herman welcomed it. He would not however take Martha up on her offer to sit with him during the test. He said that he drew the line in allowing his sister to see him crying out in pain. God again blessed us with a miracle. His Spinal Tap was virtually pain free. He had barely even noticed the puncture of the needle. We were receiving conflicting information from the hospital at this time. Regardless of this, it was more than obvious that something was wrong. Herman was convinced that he had suffered a stroke and was sent for a CAT scan. The results did not support a stroke. He was slowly regaining his strength and was allowed to go home on Wednesday the 19. He felt good enough to walk to the parkade. It was a good distance to go and we were encouraged by this. I had called in the evening and had shared with him how worried I was about him. He had replied that I should not worry too much; don’t bury me yet he had said. He had mentioned the possibility of going to Alberta to see his former Dr. who was out there working on Brain Cancer Research. The next day however told a different story. His strength was waning. He could not walk unaided and his speech was becoming slurred. He was spending more time sleeping and mom was now staying with them on a daily basis just in case he needed help. He was now walking with the aid of a walker and the left side of his body was weakening. On Monday, October 31, Mom and Mar spent the day with Herm. By this time his mobility was severely limited. He could no longer feed himself. I had told Herman that I was honored that he would allow me to feed him. I was so sorry that it was coming to this, but I was blessed that I could do something for him. It was so heartbreaking to see it come to this. As I sat with him through the day, I just marveled at this man. I gave him a back massage during which he fell asleep. I just couldn’t touch him enough. It started to annoy him, but for the most part, he submitted! On Tuesday evening Lori shared the news with Kim, Martha and Deb that the tumor had indeed shown signs of minor growth but that his body was now displaying the signs of the destructiveness of the tumor.

The next day he was assessed by Home Care and the District Nurse. Herman wanted to remain at home if possible. The nurse reasoned that due to the high need of care that Herman required, this was no longer possible. At this point Herman’s speech was clearer but he could no longer walk. He was admitted to the Emergency Ward and more tests were conducted. There seemed to be a conflict with the findings of the last CAT scan and there showed a substantial amount of growth in the tumor. Martha was with Lori when a Dr. came in to explain the findings. No hope. Herman’s personal Dr. didn’t agree with these findings and the tests were repeated. As a family, we joined Herman and Lori at the hospital on Wednesday, November 2, 2005. Herman was suffering greatly at this time. He was not allowed to eat or drink his favorite food. He was totally cut off from chocolate bars, chocolate milk and the all mighty Coca-Cola. The left side of his throat was sluggish and he was only allowed to consume soft, easy to swallow foods. We all rallied on his behalf and supplied him with a continuous supply of puddings. Herman’s Oncologist delivered the grave news with tears in his eyes, that though the tumor had grown very slightly, the cancer cells were now stronger. There was nothing left that he could do for Herman. In light of the life span Herman had managed to attain, he felt that he could in no way give a future time line of life expectancy. If he would continue on as he had before, it could be years. We made a commitment as a family to support Herman, Lori and the boys to the best of our ability and set up a visitation schedule for the remainder of Herman’s days. We joined together and committed all to God in prayer.

Herman was lovingly supported in his choice to end the Chemo treatments on Sunday, November 3, 2005. It was decided that he was to be moved to a Palliative Care Facility upon availability. Herman looked forward to this move. He had mentioned to Martha that it was pretty pathetic to think of the hospital as home. On November12, 2005, we were all summoned to the hospital. Herman was in distress. He had developed double pneumonia and was now relying on oxygen. We were blessed with the privilege to remain with Herman through the night as he developed bacteria in his blood and his condition worsened. How he struggled and fought through that night. God again offered us a miracle. Herman had moments of clarity, which enabled him to see that we were all there and that we could tell him one more time how very brave and strong he had been and that we loved him so. He was able to verbalize that he had heard Justin’s heartfelt letter of love and the news from Craige that he would become a Grandfather and to tell Lori and the boys one more time that he loved them.

Sunday morning arrived and he was still with us. We all felt that there was a change in the room. It felt so very peaceful. Throughout the day, loved ones came to say good-bye and to send him on with love. We continually assured him that it was alright to go, we would take care of his family. As the day wore on, we could see that he was slipping away. Justin was holding one hand, his father the other as he went. What a gift. From the loving hands of a father and son on earth to the loving hands of Father and Son in Heaven. Herman left us peacefully at 8:20 p.m. on Sunday, November 13, 2005.

Our reverent prayer is that we never lose sight of or forget the numerous miracles and blessings gifted to us by God throughout Herman’s life. We love you Herman, we will see you in the morning."

[spunkye]

To Lori and Kim,

Thank you so much Kim for forwarding on Herman's eulogy - it was so lovely and so moving....and I so admire Herman and his family and you, Lori, for all you've been through and your sustaining faith.

It saddens me so much to know that you all had so much to go through...I just sat and shook my head as the tears fell. God bless you Lori - and may He comfort you!!

Kim - It is a small world. Dick and I lived in Julian for only 3 years - we moved to Ramona to be closer to my daughter and to have more people around...then he just started getting sicker and sicker- and now I'm living at my daughter's in Ramona. There are certainly more people around, and the truth is I can do anything I want - I just don't want to. I'm trusting that will change - but right now I'm just so sad and teary and depressed, I don't want to do anything. And then when I don't do anything, I don't want to do 'nothing' either - I sit and eat!!

My daughter's name is Kim as well - there's another coincidence.!

God bless us all and love,

Benita

[dpodesta]

Lori,

What a wonder tribute to a wonderful man, you are very blessed to have had Herman in your life. It brought tears to my eyes as I read about his resolve to fight his tumor. His commitment to surrving long enough to see his children graduate from High School. I feel as if I knew him after reading this and wish that I had known him. He made a difference in a lot of peoples lives including mine after reading this.

[chrissy777]

Jamie,

Hello I am so sorry you have to be here. You are not crazy you spent practically your whole life with someone and know that someone is gone. Time is what it is to each individual person. I lost my husband to cancer and the treatments and the anxious waiting for results and then finally getting a glimer of hope and having that ripped away, it is like some kind of a sick joke. I just had our son and he brings me so much joy but when I look at him and know that he will not see his daddy or his daddy cant hold him it hurts very bad. You shouldnt feel bad about talking in front of your children you need to talk. Take care

[lorikelly]

Kaye

I still hven't washed the pillow case that my mom died on. She is gone 3 mos this week and i just can't. Isn't that crazy. i just think it is the last thing she touched.

You wrote such a nice reply to jaime , i cried reading it. i also feel so close to everyone on this board like we have know each other forever. I only wish we all lived near each other and we could meet every week. wouldn't that be nice. maybe one day we will all meet.

lori

[jamie's sis]

Dear Jamie,

I thank God that he lead you to this web site. I know that you have desperately needed validation for the thoughts and feelings of your grieving process that only someone that has also lost a spouce/significant other can identiy with and I thank all of you that have responded to Jamie and have help to support her.

I am grieving as well for my brother who was Jamies husband Herman. I know that my grief is on a different level than yours Jamie and of all you others that are suffering the lose of a spouse and that there are levels of pain, empty hours, empty arms and an empty home that I can only come so close to understanding. Please know though Jamie that my heart and arms are always open to you and that you have been a sister of my heart for most of your life. I pray that you find some comfort and solace with each other here as you share your feelings, fears and pain.

I would also like to say to you Jamie that you have a level of strength that you are at this point unaware of as you face the darkest days of your life without Herman at your side. You have continued to be there for your sons and for your new grand daughter who would have been the joy of Hermans life. You have supported me not only in the lose of my brother but also in the lose of my cat Pookie, my baby of 13 years when I lost her to cancer as well 6 short months after I lost my brother.

You know that I won't give you empty words of time heals all because we have talked about the fact that time has no context when it comes to this kind of pain and confusion. It only seems to warp and leave you spining around trying to find a reference point that makes any sense in a situation that just can not be grasped by a mind and heart that can not understand why our loved one is not here with us.

I also want to thank you for sharing Herman with all of these people who can understand how important it is to us for them to know him and to hear about him. What we wouldn't give to see him give us "the eyebrow" again.

To my sister with love

[Jamie]

Jamie's Sis......................I love you sis and I thank you for your kind words and support....you are always deep in my heart. How I miss "The Eyebrow".

All my Love Sis......

[kayc]

lorikelly,

I have felt like that also, I wish we could all meet...it's weird that some of the most important people in your life you haven't even gotten to meet in person!

[jkw]

I know this will sound silly, but the other day I was reading the posts on the coming Holiday season, and I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get together for the holidays!" I know thats impossible, but it just sounded really nice.

Take care all,

Kim

[dpodesta]

I don't think it sounds silly at all. It would be neat to do that sometime.

[Jamie]

I would love it if we could meet eachother.

I am having a really rough few days and I am worried that I may have offended some of the members by posting Herman's eulogy and obituary... I am so very sorry if I did, I didn't mean to. Guess I'm feeling sorry for myself...feel like maybe I don't belong here......

[JennO]

JAmie...I would say that I am appreciative that you allowed all of us to share in Herman's eulogy. This pain is so fierce that it is always wonderful to capture the good stuff that our departed loved ones exemplified in life.

I would also tell you that you absolutely belong here, if no where else. We are all very different, but our pain is so very real and similar. I often feel like I am not part of the "group" because we cannot rely on many of our emotions during this awful phase in our life. I have also at times felt a bit paranoid, desperate, and part of an amazing clique here....

Know you belong here and we are here for you...

[kayc]

Jamie,

It was a GOOD thing, your sharing his eulogy and obituary...you absolutely fit here! Please don't ever feel like you shouldn't share what's on your heart, that's what this site is all about and that's what we're all here for! I have been going through some of what I call "complicated grief" and sometimes feel it doesn't belong here, but all I know is it is not healthy for me to keep it all in and it has been very helpful letting it all out here...some people have given me some very sound advice and I always feel like there are people who care here...so whether I belong here or not, I NEED to be here!

[Jamie]

Jenn0 and Kayc, thank you so much for your response.

I have not replied earlier because I am struggling VERY much right now. It is October and all I can think of is the day this nightmare began...October 14th and all of the agony that happened and all of the agony I feel right now.... I miss Herman so much and I know I am withdrawing because I feel that I am a burden to everyone, even you all on this site.

Oct.13th will "mark" the eleven month I have exised without Herman and I guess I am feeling sorry for myself...what else could it be.

Edited October 6, 2006 by Jamie

[dpodesta]

Jamie,

First of all thank you for your reply to my other post. Second, don't ever worry about being a burden, that is what we are here for. I feel that we get healing from grief from helping others, the only way we gety to keep it is by giving it away. Post as often as you need and we will be there for you. Thank you for letting me know that I can e-mail you, that is a big help. I know it is difficult being this age and losing our spouses, when you get married you think that you will be growing old together and will be together until a very old age and then this happens and it just turns your whole world upside down.

Jamie, you can also fell free to e-mail me, it is linked to my Blackberry and I can respond as soon as I get it. I can see new posts and replys on my Blackberry but I can't reply to them. I will have it with me throughout my trip so feel free if you just need someone to talk to.

[Jamie]

I don't think I can hang on anymore. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day in Canada......Herman won't be there like he was last year,,,,,this is too hard, I don't know how to do this anymore. I am trying, I really am but it is too hard and I don't know why I am writing here...I am sorry for bothering you.

[dpodesta]

Jamie,

Myheart goes out to you. This is another one of those firsts we all have to face during the first year and I know they are difficult to get through. Just ask God to be with you and give you peace, he will carry you through this. I know there are a lot of times that I have felt the same way you are now. Remember this, you are not a bother to anyone on this site, that is why it is here and why we are here. I know that when we are going through this it seems like a broken record at times and we think that we are a burden because "here we go again" taking those steps backwards. You will do fine tomorrow, just remember to take it easy, do what you are comfortable with. If you go to see family and it starts to hit you go outside for a little bit or excuse yourself altogether. I know when I get together at my sisters there are a lot of times I will go out on the back porch to be by myself sometimes. They understand and if I am gone too long they will usually check to see if I am ok, we then usually end up talking and those have been some very good conversations. I have found lately that it comforts me to sit outside at night. The main thing is this, do what you need to do for yourself, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. You need to do what is good for you and not what someone else thinks is good for you. I hope this helps, and remember I am available. I have made it to South Carolina and have internet access again and my blackberry is with me if you need to talk. I will pray for you that tomorrow will be a good day for you and that God will carry you through this.

Derek

[LarrysGirl]

Jamie, please write if you feel like it to me and I will try to help. You are NOT a burden to this site, you are one of US! We know, we hurt with you and we know how you are feeling. I know you first wrote that you read some of my posts before ever writing here. If you could only see what I also was feeling. I did not want to go on and really I still don't but I am still here. I know you are hurting. It's very hard, this grief, but you aren't alone. I know its not the same, us trying to help you. I know you want Herman, just as I would give anything to have Larry home with me. Please try to hang on and let us help. Deborah

[Jamie]

Derek and Deborah,

How is there possibly a way to thank you both for your caring and support when you both are struggling with this agony as I am except to say THANK YOU. I made it through today.....with many break downs. I went to be with Herman at the cemetary after, not where I want to be but I needed to try and somehow be with him.

I have one more gathering to go to tommorow and the struggle continues, for me and for you both......thank you from deep within me for your words, your caring and your support........if only I could help you as you have helped me.

Many Hugs,

Lori

[dpodesta]

Lori,

Just knowing that we have helped you in some way is a help to me. If through my own grief I can shed just a little light as to how to someway get through this then that helps more than I can put into words. I have always loved to share my experiences good and bad and am very open about them. I am glad you made it through and I am sure you made it through today as well. Have a blessed night and get some good rest.

Derek

[spunkye]

Dear Lori,

You made it through another day - that's all we can do - make it through another day...and you did that. You reached out and you received love , understanding and support - and that *always* helps - it somehow lightens the burden.

There were absolutely days when I didn't think I could go on - days when I *didn't* want to go on.....thank God for this site...where I didn't feel so alone in my feelings of agony, lonliness and hopelessness.

The burden, for me, is lifting somewhat...and I know a huge part of that is the support and understanding here on this site, from the compassionate people who understand and don't find fault or wish to HURRY anything along - the respect for all of our individual needs and individual pace.

I also pray a LOT...for God to help me be grateful for what I do have...to remind me that Dick really is in a better place with no pain, no tears - just happiness and a healthy, pain-free body...and that God has a plan - a good plan for my life...and I ask Him to heal and comfort my heart.

I still break down...but a little more life is beginning to surface, and I don't feel guilty about it.

I still miss him more than I would have ever believed possible...I don't think he would want me to be suffering unendingly - and that helps too. One of the things he loved about me was my enthusiasm, my ability to make him laugh, my playfulness - I want to remain and grow in the woman he loved...that would be a tribute to him. I don't want to become someone he wouldn't be proud of and love.

Lori, I send you my love and my hugs and my hope and prayers.

Love, Benita