This Is The First Time I Have Ever Written And I Am Scared Doing It

[Jamie]

I had sent this as a message to Larry'sGirl and I want to thank her for her response and her words so very much. I didn't know how to post, still not sure if I am doing it right, so I had read her writings and felt an immediate connection to her situation.

So this is what I had writen:

This is the first time I have ever written and I am scared doing it, I have been shot down by alot of people that I thought would be there to support me.

My husband passed away on November 13, 2005 at the age of 40; 2 days before his birthday, and I am struggling to hang on. I miss him desperately; he is my everything.

My husband had 2 types of brain tumors encased in one and went through 3 brain surgeries, radiation and 4 rounds of chemotherapy (he was still on chemo before he passed away) in 17 years. He worked full time 15 out of those 17 years and finally agred to stop working becuase he was getting tired. On October 7th he got results of the MRI - the tumor was stable, he was so happy, the happiest I had seen him in a long time and was making plans on renovating our home and so much more. Then on the 14th he lost all functions and was admitted to the hospital....the tumor had not grown and everyone was confused, but he started walking again in the hospital and came home on the 18th like nothing had ever happened. That only lasted 2 days and again he lost all his functions which was always his worst fear, and was admitted back into the hospital. More tests, more confusion; the the news..the tumors had overpowered the chemo and there was no more chemo options. You see he was on drugs in his last 2 chemo treatments that only 4 other people in the world had ever taken before. Through all of this he always had a joke to crack; he was amazing in his strenght and courage and the doctors actually cried when they told us that there was nothing left they could do. My very best friend, my husband decided to come off his chemo on Novemner 3rd since it was no longer working and enter a pallative care unit. He was placed on a waiting list and remained in the hospital, unable to move, except for his right arm a tiny bit, his speach was slurred but he kept fighting and was looking forward to going to pallative care where he could be with our 2 sons, his dog: buddie and our 3 cats. Then on November 12th he developed pneumonia and they did not think he would make it through the night but he did, he beat the pneumonia and was still able to talk with us a little. Our youngest son was able to read him a letter of love and we knew he heard it because the left hand that he could not use for over a month, he used to squeeze our sons hand; and he got to hear our oldest son tell him that he would be a grandfather and he said the word grandfather 3 times with tears flowing from his closed eyes. Then in the afternoon of the 13th he got bacteria in his blood. The doctors tried to get the bacteria out but it did not work and he passed away at 8:20 p.m. on November 13, 2005.

Now, I am left with only existing and not wanting to without him. We have a baby granddaughter that he will never hold and it tears me apart. To me when I hear people that have not been through this hell on earth that time heals all...I want to say to them, no it does not....time goes on but my life ended when my husband died. I was with him since I was 14 years old, more time with my very best friend than I was not and I am empty, lost and so very, very alone. Now I have people telling me it has been over 10 months, get on with it, etc. etc. What I need to know from all of you is am I crazy, I can't "get on with it". How do you do that when you have lost your word.

I am sorry for rambling and I thank you for listening.

[ustwo]

Oh Jamie, I am so sorry to find you here but you'll find we are all-understanding here...we all walk the same path in our own lonely way. People who have not had to cope in this mysery can not know that there never will be a getting over it. Moving on??? I'm still trying to figure out what the heck that means. I read a fortune in a cookie today..."There are 365 days in a year and hope you have 365 days of your dreams come true". That's all it took for me today....what dreams?? My dreams left June 11, 2005...my life left that day with Gene. The clock keeps ticking away time but for me it stopped that day. Time has dulled the searing pain that it was the first three months but nothing fills the emptiness. And when the grief wave hits its as deep as it was in June. I don't talk much to many people any more. They just don't know. And I too get tired of hearing time will heal....I just hope time holds some sort of comfort in the future. Time can't wipe away the love Gene and I share...time can't bring back happiness in my life...I don't dream anymore. I am waiting on time to just bring peace in what's left of my life. Maybe that's what the healing is suppose to be...just peace.

Jamie, you're not crazy...you are grieving and those who don't understand now will unfortunately understand later. I get up everyday wanting to turn back time but I can't so I pace the day away waiting for the sun to go down again so I can watch the stars and talk to Gene as we did so many nights under the stars.

Jamie I know it doesn't fill the emptiness but you are not alone...we all cry in the dark. You two fought until he could no longer hold on. He would not have left if he could have stayed. Look for your husband in your grandchildren...you will see him there in the smallest of ways..for me it's a smile, a sneeze, an attitude, being left-handed, a look, a walk, something said, the green eyes. Jamie, what's you husband's name? It's the one thing people I know seem to be afraid to speak out...my husband's name.

There is nothing you need to be scared of writing here. We all listen and we try and hold on to each other to get through just one day at a time. No one is crazy here...we're all just hurting trying to take one more step forward in a world where so many just have no idea what real pain is. There is understanding here, hope here, and encouragement here.

A wish for peace for all of us.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Roswell]

No one here will ever judge you...and you're welcome to divulge your deepest thoughts.

No doubt Larry'sGirl will be most appreciative, and receptive of your kind words.

My way of saying welcome, and sorry to meet you under such terms and conditions.

You'll find everyone here to be amongst the finest! Hope you find your journey here as fulfilling as I have.

Best gestures and kind sentiments,

William

[LarrysGirl]

Jamie, I'm glad to see you are still reaching out. If you want to send a personal message, please feel free to. It is uncanny how similar our lives have been this last year.

What a strange thing we all are noticing... that no one wants to say their (our loved ones)name. I told my hospice counselor that I was going to paint a t-shirt in big bold letters that says "please say his name". But you know, they would all still try to ignore it or not want to talk about it. It's their loss you know. Not sharing this grief with us, they will be missing out. Thank goodness for this site and the caring members. We all are hurting but everyone takes time to help each other through. Deborah

[Jamie]

I had sent this as a message to Larry'sGirl and I want to thank her for her response and her words so very much. I didn't know how to post, still not sure if I am doing it right, so I had read her writings and felt an immediate connection to her situation.

So this is what I had writen:

This is the first time I have ever written and I am scared doing it, I have been shot down by alot of people that I thought would be there to support me.

My husband passed away on November 13, 2005 at the age of 40; 2 days before his birthday, and I am struggling to hang on. I miss him desperately; he is my everything.

My husband had 2 types of brain tumors encased in one and went through 3 brain surgeries, radiation and 4 rounds of chemotherapy (he was still on chemo before he passed away) in 17 years. He worked full time 15 out of those 17 years and finally agred to stop working becuase he was getting tired. On October 7th he got results of the MRI - the tumor was stable, he was so happy, the happiest I had seen him in a long time and was making plans on renovating our home and so much more. Then on the 14th he lost all functions and was admitted to the hospital....the tumor had not grown and everyone was confused, but he started walking again in the hospital and came home on the 18th like nothing had ever happened. That only lasted 2 days and again he lost all his functions which was always his worst fear, and was admitted back into the hospital. More tests, more confusion; the the news..the tumors had overpowered the chemo and there was no more chemo options. You see he was on drugs in his last 2 chemo treatments that only 4 other people in the world had ever taken before. Through all of this he always had a joke to crack; he was amazing in his strenght and courage and the doctors actually cried when they told us that there was nothing left they could do. My very best friend, my husband decided to come off his chemo on Novemner 3rd since it was no longer working and enter a pallative care unit. He was placed on a waiting list and remained in the hospital, unable to move, except for his right arm a tiny bit, his speach was slurred but he kept fighting and was looking forward to going to pallative care where he could be with our 2 sons, his dog: buddie and our 3 cats. Then on November 12th he developed pneumonia and they did not think he would make it through the night but he did, he beat the pneumonia and was still able to talk with us a little. Our youngest son was able to read him a letter of love and we knew he heard it because the left hand that he could not use for over a month, he used to squeeze our sons hand; and he got to hear our oldest son tell him that he would be a grandfather and he said the word grandfather 3 times with tears flowing from his closed eyes. Then in the afternoon of the 13th he got bacteria in his blood. The doctors tried to get the bacteria out but it did not work and he passed away at 8:20 p.m. on November 13, 2005.

Now, I am left with only existing and not wanting to without him. We have a baby granddaughter that he will never hold and it tears me apart. To me when I hear people that have not been through this hell on earth that time heals all...I want to say to them, no it does not....time goes on but my life ended when my husband died. I was with him since I was 14 years old, more time with my very best friend than I was not and I am empty, lost and so very, very alone. Now I have people telling me it has been over 10 months, get on with it, etc. etc. What I need to know from all of you is am I crazy, I can't "get on with it". How do you do that when you have lost your word.

I am sorry for rambling and I thank you for listening.

[spunkye]

Hi Jamie,\

Im so sorry for your loss - reading your message made me cry. I lost my husband just over a month ago and sometimes I felt like I couldn't go on...there seemed to be no purpose and the future looked so bleak - actually I couldn't even see the future without him. The pain was so unbearable - he was such a good man and it was such a shock that he died.

I found this site just a week or so ago and I can't tell you how comforting it is to know there are those of you "out there" that understand and share their story as well.

Although my time on this site has been very short, it is such a comfort - so please, hang in there and keep coming back here....it's helping me so much..I'm sure you'll feel the same way.

I was out running a few errands today and all of a sudden I just started crying and hurting so badly - knowing that when I cam home, Dick wouldn't be here - then I thought about coming on this site and actually felt some of the gloom and despair lift.

Thank you for being here - I neesd you here...thank all of you for being here.

Love, Benita

[Jamie]

I thank you all so very, very much.....my husbands name is Herman and I too ache to hear someone say his name, talk about him, listen to me talk about him...it hurts that some of the people (family members and friends) that I thought would be there for me are not, yet I truly hurt more for Herman than myself. You see they made alot of promises to him on his last day that he heard and it hurts so much because I know that if the tables were turned no matter how sick he might be from a treatment, he would be there for them 150%, that is the kind of man he is. Even my boys will not talk much, I guess they need to grieve in their own way. My youngest has been a rock for me though and I know they ache to have their dad here too. But I so need to talk to them about their dad....does that make me a bad mom?

I miss Herman so very much and I feel empty all of the time. I try and find joy in our grandduaghter as you said Gene; yet it is such a double sided sword knowing that they will never hold eachother. She does have a similarity of her grandfather......cannot stand her feet to be covered no matter how cold her litle toes are!

Thank you all so much for allowing me to talk.

Lori

[dpodesta]

Jamie,

First of all, welcome to this site I believe you will find it very comforting as I and many others have. I am sad to hear of your loss and all of us wish we didn't have to go through what we have gone through in order to come across this site. You will find a lot of caring people here that are willing to share their experiences with you and to listen to yours without any judgement. I lost my wife to a heart attack almost 6 months ago and like you she was my everything. Like several others have said, life stopped for me the day she died. It drove me crazy for quite awhile. I have found for myself that in order for me to keep any sort of sainity that I can't focus on the future. I can only look at today. If I look into the future, I can't see anything past raising my son until he gets out of college. After that I don't know, so I don't even think about it. You will see time and time again where someone will post that their family thinks that they should be over this by now. They haven't been where we are, or if they have, they grieved differently and got through it easier. Each of us grieves in our own way and time. I still wear my wedding band and I wear Karen's around my neck. I have had some say that I should be ready to take those off in a year. I ignore them, because as far as I am concerned, I am still married to her and can't imainge finding anyone else. I know that I am only 37 and there is plenty of time, but the only way that I will ever get married is that person will have to drop into my lap, because I will not be out looking. I don't have time to, because I am too busy raising my 7 year old. Anyway sorry for rambling, I am glad you found this site and all of us here will be here for you when ever you need us. Post what you are feeling, if you have had a bad day, or anything else. Oh, if you have a good day (there will be some) definately post those, because we like to hear when something good happens to one of us. You will find in time that we are like family. God bless you and hope to hear more from you.

[kayc]

Oh dear Jamie, I am so sorry, you have been through so much, and your husband too. I am glad you have a baby granddaughter...but I know it is bittersweet to not be able to share that event with your husband...I am so glad he got to know about it though.

No you are not crazy...we can all relate to your emotions...you do not have to "get on with it", you can cry, scream, whatever you feel like doing, you are entitled. We are here to validate each other's feelings, understand, care, encourage, and sometimes we are able to impart a bit of wisdom to help each other through our journeys. One thing you have probably already figured out, there is no "timetable" for grief, there is no right and wrong way, there is only our ways. It is individual, all of our relationships were unique, our personalities are unique, and so there is no one size fits all grief pattern. You have happened upon a wonderful site full of some remarkable caring people...it has been a godsend to us. Please come back whenever you want to read and post, you are very welcome here and your thoughts and feelings matter to us. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

Herman...that is a nice name, I have never known a Herman, and here he was, everything to you. My husband's name was George, he had just turned 51 when he died suddenly of a heart attack. I waited my lifetime to find him and then lost him 6 1/2 years after meeting him.

When my father passed away, I remember a year later my mom told me how much she appreciated it that I talked to her about him...I was surprised, because why wouldn't I talk about him? He's my dad! She said people avoided mentioning his name to her. I found that to be really sad.

Most of us have lost our closest friends and still don't understand it, we only know that it is so. I don't know if they think death is contagious or they just don't know how to respond, but they've all done their disappearing act. The good news is that you will discover new friends. And like it was stated earlier, unfortunately, people will eventually understand because they will experience the same thing sooner or later.

God be with you in your journey. Don't worry about your postings, they are fine.

Edited September 27, 2006 by kayc

[jkw]

Hi Jamie: I too am fairly new to this site. I didn't know what to expect, but have found it to be very helpful just to be able to "talk" about the loss of my Mom. By the way, her name was Helen, and she was somebody. Herman was someone too. I was so afraid that if I didn't post an obituary in our newspaper, that Mom "wouldn't be someone". I wanted there to be evidence that she lived. Thank goodness she allowed me to put an obituary in the San Diego newspaper. I know it sounds silly, but I told my husband that I just wanted the world to know that she existed.

Feel free to talk about your husband, Herman, in any way that suits you. We are all very willing to hear about him.

It feels really good to be able to say their names...they weren't just a statistic, they were SOMEONE!

Take care and write when you can. We are all here for you.

Sincerely,

Kim

[SEshbaugh]

I,too, am new at this site, just this past week. I know the lose you are feeling, I lost my husband & best friend (Rich) last fall. It will be 1 year the end of October and I miss him like it just happened . He was 1 day short of 3 months from diagnosis until his death. He had lung cancer that had already spread to the brain before we knew something was going on. There was no coughing, shortness of breath or anything just woke up 1 morning & his left hand wasn't working quite right. We though a mild stroke in the night, imagine our horror after the tests to find out this is what it was. He too went thru radiation (22 treatments) & chemo (6) but it only spread more agrressively. According to our former doctor in Oregon, we moved here 3 years ago, there is nothing that can stop this type. I forgot the medical term, something like oat cell_________. He said the treatment just helps with basically your quality of life for a short time. Rich was in the hospital for 5 days with pnemonia (which we didn't know he had) he woke up 1 morning just so physically weak I couldn't even help him up. They ran all the test while he was in & discovered it had spread in the brain, Nothing would help except to keep him comfortable. I'm so glad I was able to talk him into coming home (with Hospice) instead of a nursing home. The family & a very good friend from Oregon were able to spend time here with him, which was more comfortable for all compared to a room elsewhere. As he would have said (He had all his ducks in a row)he saw evryone that he wanted to, he was ablt to have communion at home on Monday & then took a short nap. When he woke he looked at me as if he didn't know who I was, but when I asked in the eve he knew who I was, he could say my name. He was fully mentally with it up until then but Monday he was (between places) with absolutely no strength all of a sudden Monday night he kept telling me he had to get out of here & was swinging his legs over the bed rails to get up. We are both tall rather slender people but it was all I could do to calm him down & keep him there for the night. Hospice came the next morning (I didn't want to bother her during the night) & put him on liquid morphine and said it wouldn't be much longer. My sister spent Tuesday night with us we all slept in the living room by his bed, but we were up about every 1/2 hour he was just very restless. We dosed off about 5:30 AM, woke up a bit after 6;00 am and he had slipped away. I know its how he wanted to go but I also think he was fighting it when he kept saying he had to get out of here (out of the bed & I'll be okay). Its been the worst thing in my life , we met in 65, didnt see each other again until 93 and married in 95. I wouldnt trade our time together for anything other then to have him back here with me.

[kayc]

SEshbaugh,

You went through so much with your husband in the last part of his life. It must have been very difficult. The part that struck me was "I wouldnt trade our time together for anything other then to have him back here with me." The statement quoted a few days ago was, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I think that is true, no matter how much we miss them, no matter how much pain we go through, our lives were rich because of them and for a while, we lived. I went through a lot with my husband, different than what you went through, yet difficult, and yet even with everything, I wouldn't have traded having known him for anything. In some ways I am worse off now, I am definitely worse off financially, and since I lost my job, that makes the stress that much worse as I need to hold out for a really good paying job...I wouldn't begin to have that stress if I could settle for a job that was easier to get...but I don't want to lose my home. This is where we had the best time in our lives. This is where I want his ashes scattered. This was/is home.

Cancer is a hard thing. My mother in law was my best friend, she was the mother I always wanted. She got cancer many years ago and I took care of her in her home for nearly three years while she was bedridden. Those were hard days, my kids were very little then and it wasn't easy, them living around death all the time, and trying to keep them quiet so she could rest...it was hard keeping up two homes and hosting family that came to visit. I was her link to the outside world and she used to say I was the only one that could arrange her bed to make her comfortable. The hardest part of it was seeing her die...I didn't want to let her go, I couldn't imagine going on in life without her. She was one of the most special people I had ever met. No one has filled that void. She was the most thoughtful caring person I'd ever known. But I know I'll see her again. Her birthday is tomorrow. Her name is LeNore. It's been 19 years since she passed away, 9/17th. It's funny how you never forget, never get over them...her, my dad, my husband, even pets I've had. When someone creates that big of a place in your heart, you don't get over them, you just have to learn to continue afterwards, but they're still there in your heart, and the void is still felt. It's a sadness that is hard to carry.

[Jamie]

I read and re-read all of your kind words yesterday and again today but I am having trouble replying because I do not know how much I can say........I am crying...no sobbing as I type because I am in a downward spiral and keep beating myself up that I should not be this way. My doctor who is also a therapist and my hospice worker tell me that I am being too hard on myself. but I don't know anymore...I don't know anything since Herman died; except how desperately I ache to bury my head in his chest and feel his arms aroud me protecting me. I have not had a dream except one since Herman died and that was not a dream, it was a nightmare....it was the night he passed away and I dreamed that they lost him in the tunnels under the hospital...that is the last time I have been able to dream of anything and I feel as if I must have done something wrong to him to not be able to have him come to me in a dream; a sign, something. My doctor and hospice councillor tell me that it is becuase I am so deep in grieve and I am and I only sleep 3 to 4 hours a night and even then I wake up drenched in sweat. I read a post yesterday that confused me...the one about it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved....I agree with that but what does it mean when I want Herman back so desperately. Herman's sister Martha has been walking beside me every step of the way, as well as Herman's parents and his sister Phyllis and I love them so much for not leaving me as everyone else has. I know I am rambling and I must not make sense but as I type I am having a hard time reading what I write because of the tears flowing...may spelling mistakes I am sure.

Kim: your words that out loved ones were someone meant so much to me because it feels like now that Herman is gone they all ting he never existed but he did and he was a man you would all have loved. Your need to have an obiuary for your mother I can totally understand...I wrote one for Herman and I still have it on my fridge....not sure if that is weird either. Kim, I am so sorry for your loss.

I so wish I could share with you all the eulogy that his sister Martha read at the funeral service, you would know exactly what kind of man he is....generous, loving , alway thinking of everyone else except himself.

KayC: thank you so much for your words, the tears flow and I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

Derek, your words I don't even know how to thank you....I am only 38...I was with Herman since I was 14 and he was my sould mate, my everything. Please don'e apologize for rambling, as you can see I am too.

Benita: thank you so much....I always ache to come home to Herman, then the pain sears in when I open the door and don't hear, "Hi Honey,How was your day" What I wouldn't give to hear those words again............

Gene and William, thank you from the botom of my broken heart for you kind words.

Shirley, thank you so much for your response and I ache for your loss. My Herman went through 3 brain surgeries, 6 months of radiation and 4 round of chemo...the first round lasting a year, the second lasting almost 2 years, the third lasting close to a year and the final treatement was a life long chemo where he had to take 29 pills a day all taken at specified times....over 10,000 pills in the first year alone. He made his own chart to keep track until he started having many seizures and would not know where he was for 20 - 30 minutes at a time....when he went for a walk with his beloved dog, Buddie and he had an episode, Buddie would realize it and would bring him home...it was amazing because we never trained Buddie to do that. He got lost 2 times when he went out without Buddie and after that Buddie would not let him out of his sight....believe it oor not Buddie is grieving too, as well as our 3 cats. You see whenever Herman would have a tumor headache they all would be right beside him and one of our cats would lick the area that was in pain...it was amazing to see the love they all had for eachother. Herman wanted to be at home and we wanted him too be as well, but he could not sit up anymore by himself and needed a walker to walk and at times he could not walk then...I would lift him up out of bed and help him to the bathroom but it became so hard on him and he started not to be able to use the walker. I tried so hard to keep him home...my boys tried...but they ended up hurting their backs severely and my illness: fibromyalgia was starting to take it's toll....I kept doing it though no matter the pain for over 3 weeks just so he could be home with us...but then he was assessed by the doctors and they felt it was best for him to be in hospital and he agreed to go. I know I am rambling and I am so sorry. Towards the end he could not sit up, feed himself or use anything but his right arm and hand but he was my Herman...always cracking a joke, hassling the nurses (they used to fight over him in the chemo department! and check to see when he was having blood work just so they could all say hi). You see he had this amazing strength that no one could ever understand, yes he was scared and tired and sick, but that never stopped him from clicking his dentures at someone (lost all of his teeth from the radiation, or having a smart remark, being there for anyone who needed help no matter how tired he was and he worked 15 years out of the 17 full time...went back to work a week after brain surgery. He even told me in the hospital to stand on the right side so he could cop a feel!!!! and argued with the nurses about the oxygen mask...kept trying to take it off!! In know he fought so hard and I am so happy that he is no longer suffering but that does not make me not want him back.....am I selfish and mean for that...I feel I am and I don't mean to be....I just ache to hear his voice tell me everything will be okay like he used to as he held me and I held him.

Deborah: I did not forget you, how could I , we seem to be going through so may similar events and feelings. I ache for you so very much and I wish I could hold you and rock you and make this horrible existance beter fo you....I wish that I could do that for all of you but I can't becuase I can't even do that for myself. I'm having a hard time starting an email to you and I don't know why but I hope that I will be able to soon.

I have one last question for you all since I have gone on enough.....I cannot pack any of Herman's belongings away and I still cannot sleep in our bed....am I crazy? My doctor and hospice worker tell me that I will when I feel the time is right..................

Thank you so much for listening and again I apologize for rambling........

[LarrysGirl]

Jamie, I know you feel overwhelmed now. Its OKAY. It doesn't feel good but its okay the way you feel. Write when you feel like it, anytime, no hurry. I wanted to say just one thing to you today. Each of us during this has to come to terms with whats happened in our own way. I know I personally have struggled with this these last months as if I needed to behave or grieve like everyone else. But I've come to know, that the way I am grieving is the way its supposed to be. I'm not going to be so hard on myself anymore. People around me will still give their two cents but I'm not listening anymore.

As far as Larry clothes, my OWN feelings, I haven't touched a thing. Clothes are in the closets and his drawers. His glasses still on the nightstand. His shaving cream still in the medicine cabinet. I would probably kill someone if they tried to remove anything. I didn't sleep in the bed for months because his last few days alive were in this bed and thats about all I see when I close my eyes. But I have begun trying to sleep there, when I can sleep. Nightmares and sweats are frequent and I wonder if I will ever get to sleep well again. I bought a new comforter for the bed, a completely different color, hoping if would take away the images I have in my mind. It stayed in the package for months and now I have it folded at the end of the bed but something about using it doesn't feel right, so it just stays folded. I couldn't enjoy it if I wanted to. The reason I'm sharing this and its probably way to much information, is that I want you to realize you are not alone in the way you feel. I hope that helps.

[kayc]

Jamie,

In reply to:

"I read a post yesterday that confused me...the one about it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved....I agree with that but what does it mean when I want Herman back so desperately"

The pain that we feel when we lose our spouse is in direct correlation to the amount of love that they created in our heart...in other words, when they die and leave this huge hole in our heart and the pain seems unbearable and we don't feel we want to go on and don't even see the point, that is a response to the fact that we had so much with them. It is, in a way, a tribute to all that we had and shared. Honey, you can't expect to feel any differently than you do right now, you are still adjusting and believe me it takes a very long time...time looms before you right now in a way that you can't handle or bear...don't even try to. Try to just get through this very moment. That bit of advice helped me a lot...I remember all too well those first few months, of being alone, of wanting to die, of nothing but pain and lonliness. I still can't bear to think about George's chest, his smell, his voice, how he'd call and say, "Hi, Hon..." I remember when his messages disappeared on the cell phone...I hadn't known they would disappear without my erasing them, it broke my heart as I didn't have anything else with his voice on it. I don't know that I could bear to listen to it if I did. The void they leave is so acute, nothing can compare to it. It is unnatural to lose a child, but when you do, hopefully you have a spouse to share in that loss with...when you lose your spouse, there is noone to go through it with you and share in it, hold you up, understand how you feel. My kids are grown and have moved on in their lives, they aren't close by and I don't think they can possibly know how I suffer. What good would it do if they knew? They are young and need to think about living...not burden themselves with their mother's grief. My church family has moved on, no one calls any more...indeed my pastor went on vacation the morning after George died, leaving me alone, as if nothing mattered...when my world turned upsidedown and was whirling. You say you have your husband's family, that is good, very good. Perhaps they alone can understand some...my husband's family disappeared along with our friends. Only three members of his family even attended his memorial service...and he was from a family with 11 children, most of them are two hours from here. His children live across the country and have lives of their own, I don't hear from them either. Today I struggled to get wood in by myself...yesterday I defrosted the big freezer...these tasks are all mine now and there is no one to help me. I wonder sometimes if I haven't made the wrong decision keeping this place, but it means so much to me and it is the place where I derive so much pleasure, I want to stay here. It is the place I can look out at the stars and know he is there. It is the place I am most likely to feel his presence.

You say you don't have dreams anymore...me too. I only had one dream with George in it and it wasn't good...it was more like I felt abandoned. Not everyone has a dream in which they feel their loved one came to them and reassured them...how wonderful that would be if we could! They cannot control our dreams any more than we can. We are both still living...just in different worlds with a gulf between us that we cannot cross for now, but one day that gulf will be gone and we will be able to freely communicate once again! For now we have to live on faith with our memories and our dreams of a better tomorrow...the one to come in the next world.

You have been together since you were 14...you cannot expect to overcome this any time soon...and my guess is perhaps not ever at all...not in the sense of being over it...but eventually you will learn to live alone although you may never like it...eventually you will find other pleasures and joys in life, perhaps a grandbabies' smile or a puppies' lick...and hopefully one day we will all be able to remember the good times we had and smile...I'm still waiting to reach that point...it happens somewhat, yet it's bittersweet, mostly it's just hard to think at all. I cried so much, so hard, for so long, now I am tired and want peace. And I'd like to not feel so alone, always alone. I'd like to have something to look forward to, I'd like to be missed when I'm gone, to know I matter to someone. I'd like some sense of purpose instead of this seemingly meaningless existence. I've worked so hard at grieving these past 15 months, I guess I'm tired. The phone is too quiet, the house is too quiet, and it's all the worse since I lost my job. At least I used to have a place to go to, people to see, some purpose.

The pain you are going through is the hardest thing in the world to deal with, and unfortunately I don't know any other way other than head on. We cannot circumvent it, although we certainly might like to, we can't avoid it or put it off, it is just there to deal with, like it or not. The beginning seems the hardest...eventually it dulls some and the monotony of the dull pain and loss is broken by occassional grief bursts in which the acute pain comes rolling back with the freshness, just like it had never left. But we live, we survive, and we comfort and encourage each other. We pray for each other, we care about each other, and if we didn't have each other, I don't know what we'd do. What did people used to do who didn't have a way to connect with people via this modem...for here they are, my closest friends, living in Canada, Texas, Europe, all over the place, and here I am in the mountains of Oregon among the tall timber...all connected by grief, by loss, by love that we shared with the dearest person in our lives.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself the gift of loving yourself, give yourself the gift of time and patience, give yourself permission to cry, permission to scream, permission to do things at your own pace. Give yourself all the time in the world that you need for healing, it will take all of it. Do not worry about his things or wearing his ring or having his pictures up, it doesn't matter if you never change a thing or if you change everything right away...what matters is you and that you be in tuned with your needs and what you want. What matters is that you follow the path of your heart and your own timetable and your own solutions. What matters is not what everyone else thinks or does, what matters is that you do what YOU think right and WHEN you think it right.

I remember after a month or so, needing to wash the sheets, I had put it off so long, and I didn't think I could bear to take them off the bed...he had slept on them, I didn't want to destroy any sense of him. I asked my daughter to do it, but she forgot and got busy elsewhere...finally, I did it. It was so hard. I bought new sheets. I remember hanging on to his robe and smelling it...one day I noticed his smell was gone, that broke my heart. It was those little things that was so hard. I still have some of his belongings next to the bed...his i.d., stuff like that, as if he's coming back and going to use them. But I haven't been able to move them, I can't seems to make myself. So what? What's it to anyone else? Who says I ever have to? This grief thing just doesn't seem to go away...

Edited September 28, 2006 by kayc

[MartyT]

Jamie, dear ~

So much of what you've said rings true for all of us who are in mourning for our loved ones: the pain, the overwhelming sorrow, the tears, the confusion, the lack of focus. You sound so concerned about how you are "doing" your grief, but I want to assure you that there is no right or wrong way to "do" any of this -- there is only your way, and you must discover that for yourself, as you go along. Your grief is as unique to you as your fingerprint -- I once heard it described as your griefprint -- and what works for you may not work for someone else. Nothing you've described is unusual, abnormal or "wierd." The best rule of thumb is to do what brings you comfort, and don't worry about what someone else may think. After all, the only one who really understands completely how very much you've lost and how you feel about it is you.

You said, "I so wish I could share with you all the eulogy that [Herman's] sister Martha read at the funeral service, you would know exactly what kind of man he is....generous, loving , alway thinking of everyone else except himself."

Does Martha have a written copy of that eulogy? If so, why not post it here for all of us to read? We would love to know more about your precious Herman and what is special about him. This is one place where you can talk about your beloved as much as you need to, where you can keep his memory alive, where you can maintain an ongoing relationship with him in your mind and in your heart -- and where we will always, always be here to listen to whatever you have to say.

[spunkye]

Shirley,

My husband, Dick, died August 24 - during his last days at home with me, a helper and hospice, he too kept trying to get out of bed. He said he wanted to go "home". I don't know if he meant "heaven" or if he was talking about the home we had sold a couple of months ago (weve been staying at my daughter's home). It was an awful feeling...I wanted him so badly to be ok and not be dying and not thinking clearly...it was a nightmare!

A few nights before that, he started asking me who "all the people are"..."all the people here and in the other rooms" - there wasnt anyone here but us. My sister thinks he was seeing angels and that they were coming around to help him and to help him make his transition. That IS such a nice thought...I hope it's true.

I miss him so much and my heart still aches and the tears still come and I still feel so unhappy and miserable - but the constant, 24 hour a day, gut-wrenching, sickening pain is subsiding...thank God. And then, (how weird) I find I feel sort of guilty for not feeling as bad.

God bless us and comfort us all!

Love, Benita

[dpodesta]

Kay,

Wow how can you follow that?

What caught my attention is the clothes and item that belonged to our loved ones. It has been almost 6 months since Karen died. At first I couldn't even unpack the suitcase we had with us on vacation, but after a little while I was ready to get the suitcase out of my bedroom so I unpacked it, I knew I was ready. You women should understand this next part, the very first thing I got rid of was something she needed once a month. But that has been all I have thrown away. Since that time I have sent some of her clothes to my mom who is the same size, I gave one of her dimond and ruby rings to her niece for her college graduation, and there have been a few other times I have given something to a family member. Each and every time, I knew it was the time to do so. I can't explain the feeling, you just know. Right now I am waiting for when her sister and her sister's daughters to come over and see what they want of her clothes and purses, again, I am ready. I am not ready for all of her stuff to be gone. What clothes are left will still be in the closet, the things on top of the night stand will still be in place. The alarm time will still be the same from the last time we set it to go on our vacation. My point to all of this is, you will know when it is time and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I still wear my wedding band and have no clue when if ever I will be ready to take it off. I don't go anywhere without her wedding band around my neck. I don't care what anyone says about it either, they are entitled to their opinions and I am entitled to mine. If they want to keep bothering me about it then I will stop being around them.

Now that I have been on my soap box, it is time for me to stop before I go too far. Just remember this, and it has been said many times. Each of us grieves in our own time some get through this quickly some take years. Each of us are different just like our finger prints. God bless all of you and may God give you a peaceful nights rest tonight.

[kayc]

Grief prints...I like that. It is so true, we are all unique and so is our grief. Just as Derek continues to wear his wedding ring and Karen's...I can't bear to look at ours...of course I will never get rid of them...I want his to go to my son and mine to go to my daughter when I die. But I took mine off a few months after he died because it was just such a hitting reminder of what I had lost...our rings had eternity symbols on them, they were custom made for us and matching...but eternity ended all too soon June 19, 2005. Sometimes it's still hard to understand that. Tonight I spent 2 1/2 hours on the phone with his ex-girlfriend. I wasn't going to talk to her, but somehow it made me feel closer to him, knowing that this was somebody that he was once very close to. It was wrong of him to go see her several times after we were married, even as a friend, because he did so behind my back. I am coming to terms with the fact that he was a troubled person that lied to me...a lot. However, I do know that I was the most special person in his life and I don't believe he cheated on me...as such. Little by little I am reaching the point where it no longer matters...what was, was. It'll take a while to get there fully, it'll take time, but it's going that way, little by little. So much wasn't as I'd thought. I know we had something special...but it wasn't what I'd thought. I'm glad most of you don't have to go through this part. It's tougher than dealing with the grief, the missing him...this working through all the "stuff". I don't hate him and don't want to cause him pain, so maybe I am beginning the action of forgiveness. I think forgiveness is a process, I'm started on that trail...it'll come along, all in it's due time. It's funny, I don't want to shut him out of my life, I just want to know how to relegate him, to what do I attribute him as a part in my life? Those are the hard things to work through. I'm probably not making any sense to you...but then most of you didn't find out "afterwards" that your spouse had been visiting their ex and that your marriage was full of lies and deception. I can't blame that part on the drugs...those lies just stood on their own. They were choices he made, wrong choices. It's funny, but bad or good, I still love and miss him. He still holds a place in my heart, I'm just trying to figure out exactly what that is.

[Jamie]

Marty, thank you such very much, I love the griefprints and I feel a litle less alone in my grief being on this site.

All of you are so understanding even though you too are going through so much longing and emptyness and I ache for you all.

To hear that so many of you still have your loved ones belongings on the night stand, clothes hanging where they were...makes me feel not so alone in my grief. How can I ever repay you all for the kindness, love, understanding and the most important: no judgement.....there is no way.

I found this site by mistake and I am so glad I did, even in the short time I have been on this site I feel like you all are closer to me than the friends and family that left me long ago.

Marty,I have a copy of the eulogy but it is quite long and I would like to post it if it would be okay with everyone else.

Again thank you so very much. Much love to all. Lori

[dpodesta]

Lori,

I would definately like to read the eulogy, so please feel free to post it.

I to found this site by mistake and what a wonderful mistake it was, like you I made friends instantly and found so much relief. I believe that in order to keep something you have to give it away. The repayment is to give the experience you have gained and will gain in the future away to others on this site and anywhere else you come across someone is dealing with grief. A lot of times for me to come to this site and read some of the posts and reply to them takes me out of myself and off of my pity pot. Be there when me or someone else is in that part of this process where we take the 2 or 3 steps back instead of the one step forward. Lori, I am glad you found us here, this is one of those groups that none of us wished we would have to join, but once we found it, it was a God send. Welcome to this family and I look forward to hearing more from you.

[jkw]

Lori,

Please do post the eulogy! I am sure everyone would like to know alot more about your Herman!

My mom did not have any services so there was no eulogy for her, and the newspaper in San Diego wrote her obituary, so it was very "matter-of-fact". They wouldn't let me put my sister's name in it, who had died in 2001, nor could we put any grandkids names either. So, yes, I am anxious to read the eulogy for Herman.

Take care,

Kim

[Dusky]

Jamie,

Every story of loss touches my heart when I read the messages on this site – but when I see one that talks of Brain Tumors and losing your loved one in this manner it always finds a special empathy for what I know you had to endure during the course of this illness. Brain Cancer is a horrible disease and one, which took my partner of 27 years - 14 months ago. So many of your words and descriptions resonate with me - the surgeries – the radiations – the chemo - the delusions the disability - the perfectly healthy loved one slowly changing and drifting from your sight. You are in fact another person who understands the horrors of brain cancer – the debilitating and crushing effect on the one we lost and the crippling effect it has on the one who remains.

I was strengthened by a number of things following the death of my partner (Jack) – I read a lot of books on grief – had a few friends and family that stayed close to me – I wrote a lot (Songs and Pomes and Journaling) – and then there were the many people on this site who were so very kind and considerate and helpful. In ALL these people you have found a treasure. They are magnificent human beings. So many of them know my story - and I have told it many times – but it is not my intent to tell it all again here and now – but rather to just to let you know that I do understand some of the pain you are experiencing as I have traveled this same road.

It’s been nearly 6 weeks since I have visited my many friends on this site. For some reason I needed some time away from writing and thinking and speaking – and so I put it all aside for just a short time – and then I tuned in again – and found you - Jamie. So much wonderful advice has been showered upon you that I was left with just a few thoughts after reading this post. I wanted to share these few thoughts with you – so here they are:

1. Keep Herman’s cloths as long as you want to. Jacks still hang in the closet – and it should always remain your decision as to what you want to do with them. I will share one idea that I am currently pursuing with Jacks cloths. I am going to have a quilt made from many of his clothing. Eventfully this quilt will be given to Jacks Granddaughter – Madison – who I will pass it along to when I die. Some of the same shirts and pants that will make up this quilt will be some of the same clothing that Jack wore when he held Madison as a child. The cloths will eventually come full circle – they have a story to tell of their own. Don’t ever fell rushed in your decision as to what to do with Herman’s cloths – there may be other useful purposes for them – such as a quilt – or some other meaningful memorial to him.

2. I did not dream of Jack for nearly a month and an half after he died. I sometimes wondered if I had done something wrong. Strange how our minds work – but suddenly the dreams came and - here he was - beautiful and healthy. The wonderful thing about my dreams was - that in them - Jack is always looking strong and beautiful – with a full head of hair. Even if he is ill in my dreams he does not look ill - he may speak of being ill – but he looks healthy. I dream of him full of life - and usually walking and with his sight. Jack had gone blind three weeks into his battle with brain cancer – and so when I can see him “seeing” it gives me great pleasure. Trust me – you will dream of Herman – and he will be whole to you – and as perfect in your dreams as your love for him. Give the dreams some time – they will come – he will come - to you.

3. One of the hardest things for me has been people shying away from talking about the death of Jack – or speaking his name. Speaking of the loved one we have lost is a great gift that those who interact with us can give us after the person has died. I do not want to be shielded from ever hearing his name again – I want to hear his name - and see it flow from the mouths of those who loved him. So let our loved ones names be spoken and heard often – and the memory of who they were continued. How else can we do this than by speaking their names? Speak of Herman often and with everyone – it will help you heal. Jacks name has been spoken – by me – every day since his death – and it has helped me heal.

I want to leave you with a poem I wrote in January 2006 – 5 months after Jack died. Its about dreams –and waking up in the morning – and seems to touch on some of the pain – and also some hope as we all move forward in this passage through our grief. Here is one of the many pomes I wrote to Jack. It is called “Slumbers Gentle Ride”.

“Slumbers Gentle Ride”

I wake with dreams of you each day – I feel you touch my Side

Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride”

You whisper, “Please don’t cry for me” - but tears they start to fall

The real truth now startles me – my eyes with tears recall

My pillow moist with sorrows juice - I feel you touch my Face

Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle space”

Each time I try to start the day – your voice it calls me back

I tell you “Keep me by your side” – let morning light go black

I wake with dreams of you each day – I feel you touch my Side

Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride”

Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride”

I finally rise to start the day – I feel you touch my Side

A day just like the last one dear - its like the rising tide

I pour my morning coffee – knowing that you took yours black

Straight from the pot was what you liked – the condiments it lacked

Your mouth – it touched the cup I use – I feel you touch my Lips

I use the mug you always loved – remembering with each sip

The paths we shared together – walking one step at a time

Recalling precious moments - with your hand entwined with mine

I wake with dreams of you each day – I feel you touch my Side

Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride”

Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride”

The pieces of each day slip by - I feel you touch my Heart

Your presence here is constant now – I knew you’d find my Heart

The life we shared is gone - I know – a new one did begin

I found a way to keep you close - and now my heart can sing

The pieces of each day slip by - I feel you touch my Heart

Your presence here is constant now – I knew you’d find my Heart

I find you in the places that we share our whole life through

I keep you in my memory – where I treasure me and you

I wake with dreams of you each day – I feel you touch my Side

Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride”

Your fingers seek my body – still in “slumbers gentle ride”

(copyright John R. Davis 1/4/06)

May you find Herman – soon – In “Slumbers Gentle Ride”.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[spunkye]

Oh Dusky,

Your poem is so beautiful and sweet and meaningful..thank you for sharing it with us. I feel inspired to write a poem to my sweetheart - Dick. It's been over a month now and it still hurts very much.

Today is a beautiful day, but I don't feel like doing anything. I've been reading a lot lately - about death, about grieving, the Bible, God's caring - and that's all I feel like doing today - going back to my room and sitting in my comfy chair or lying on the bed, and reading some more.

The quilt is a wonderful idea. About one week after Dick died, my daughter and I had someone come over to move some personal belongings that were still in the little rental house below her house, that he and I were staying in on a temporary basis - until we bought our own manufactured home or mobile home to set up on her property. Well, needless to say, we didn't get a chance to get that far - he got so much sicker we moved up here to her house and set up hospice in the dining room - made it a cozy area for him. Anyway, when this fellow brought up all his clothes, I remembered hearing about making a quilt out of his shirts and pants and giving it to his grandchildren (he has 14 from his previous, deceased first wife). I started so bravely putting shirts aside and washing them, folding them, beginning to cut them...I don't know what possessed me!! About an hour into this, I broke down and I don't think I stopped crying for an entire week. That was the worst.

My daughter ended up packing everying in boxes and putting the boxes in the garage - I have a couple of his shirts hanging in my closet, but I'm in NO WAY ready to handle the clothes. Maybe one day...there's no rush! The quilt is still a good idea -just don't know when or even if I'll be able to do it.

God bless and hold us all.

Love, Benita

[Dusky]

Spunkye - Benita and Larrysgirl

Thank you for the thoughtful reply - I am glad the pome touched you - it is amazing how writing can help you heal. And i see that you have been reading some of my very old posts on here. Thank you also for you warm reply to a message I wrote so long ago - when I was hear the beginning of this long process - the one about "Remebering Jack" - "In the Moment". I really do not know how I have survived all that has happened - but i do beleive that somewhere along the line I got a huge step up on the greif process because jack was sick for 10 months and I was greiving the slow loss of him many months before he physically left me. It has been two years now since Jack was diagnosed with a btain tumor - and 14 months since he died. Writing and things like this greif site have helped me tremendously. The way you describe your husband makes me thing that he and Jack had some of the same wonderful personality traits - it is so hard to try to come to terms with and understand why these good people are taken from us way to soon.

Lt is helpful to talk wabout our loved ones and what they meant to us - and to remember all their finest qualities - like Jack's "Livining in the Moment" - the essence of who he was - and what I am trying to continue in his name.

It is good to share with you and with all the folks on here.

A special note for Larrysgirl. Thank you for the kind personal message following my recent post - last evening. I responded to you - but for some reason it seems to have gone into "never never" land. I had taken a break from posting and did a small bit of trveling. I just needed some time away from all the saddness for a short time.

Love to each of you on this wonderful site - this wonderful healing space.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack