5 Weeks And I Have The Blues

[joelsgirlkathy]

It has been 5 weeks and I have been missing him so bad.I went to the Doctor for a follow-up app.The Nurse said I am so sorry for your loss but he is in a better place and I fell apart,even though I know she is right it stil hurts.I have been trying to stay so busy and all it got me was really tired and no sleep.what am I doing wrong???/

help me please this pain in my heart is getting worse

thanks Kathy

[karenb]

Hi Kathy,

I'm so sorry....you are fresh in this "new" life and it is very painful. There are so many feelings and emotions to go through. Just remember take good physical care of yourself so you're strong enough to face some of these things. It will be 3 years for me the end of July and I think I went through every feeling and emotion there is. As they always say, "It just takes time." Everyone's time is different, too. Don't ever think you "should" be getting through this. It will be in your own time. Try to surround yourself with those who cared for him and just do what you can every day or every hour to help yourself. Try to put some life back in your days. Take care and let us know how you're doing.

Your friend, Karen

[fred]

Kathy, You are not doing anything wrong. I wish I could tell you that everything will be fine in a couple more weeks, but you are here because things are not fine now. At five weeks, the shock of my wife´s death was just begining to wear off. I did not realize it at the time, it is only looking back that I can see some of the stages. The pain did get worse at that time, I was barely able to sleep at all. I was begining to understand that this was not some nightmare that I would shortly awaken from. It has been sixteen months now and things are better. We arrive here because our loss, our love was so great. This journey of recovery is not easy, but we will do it beacause of the greatness of our love, the depth of attachment we felt. Hang in there. Karen is right, do not force yourself forward, do not fight to hold back or control the emotions. There are reasons for the stages we will experience, do no more than you can handle at any given moment. Read the posts here, go back and read old threads, post as often as you like or need to. This time is needed to take care of Kathy. Hugs and prayers to you!

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

Hi Kathy,

It took 5 months for the numbness to wear down...and once it did, I was a basket case. It was just like the first couple of days where you walk around in a fog, in shock, and still don't believe it. Go with your feelings, whatever they are. Crying and saddness are part of the healing. And most importantly, DON'T listen to comments made by those that have no idea what you're going through. I remember everyone saying "at least he's not suffering or in pain any more." I was selfish in the beginning and would have rather had him here with me taking care of him, than gone no matter what. Yes, they were right, but I didn't want to hear it. I wanted him here no matter what the price. Please don't feel like you should be doing or feeling anything in particular...you've just lost your best friend, partner and love of your life, and have every right to feel and act whatever way you want. It's going to hurt for quite some time, but the pain will lessen with time, and eventually you will have some good days too, but for now cry, scream, and do whatever you want, as long as it help you grieve.Also, you may want to look into group counseling. In group, you get to meet and talk with others that are experiencing the same things as you, and it can do wonders for you to talk with them.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. We are here for you...Lin

[Dusky]

Joelsgirlkathy,

The next time someone tells you "he is in a better place" promptly tell that person that you appreciate their analysis but "his being here with me would have been the better place." Nothing - absolutely nothing annoyed me more than for someone to tell me that my Jack was "in a better place." I know people think they are trying to make you feel better with these types of comments - but nothing can be further from the truth.

You are not doing anything wrong. It has only been 5 weeks - you miss him - and that is normal. Keep posting on here and share your feelings. The people on here no far more about the loss of a mate than any nurse who would tell you "he's in a better place."

Love and Peace,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[joelsgirlkathy]

Thanks to all of you!!!

you have helped me so much, Saturday my sister came over and she just let me talk about him and she let me cry all I wanted to.

I have a problem with people that act like he was never here and don't want to speak of him.Why do people do that.I just want the world to know what a wonderful man and husband he was.Most people knew him as a godly man and a kind person.I went today to the cementary to put his flag on his grave and I cry and talk to him and GOD.Hospice is trying to get me set up with a grief class but it is hard because I work 2nd shift.I may have to do it my self where would I look???

Thanks so much Kathy

[Ejn]

Hi Kathy, My Larry passed away 6 months ago. I know exactly how you are feeling. I cry every day, every night. I am alone my kids live in other states. We talk on the phone but I can't get over the loneliness. They say it gets better with time I hope I can last that long.

Hang in there I'm also trying. EJN

[kayc]

Kathy,

My heart goes out to you. We know your pain, we've all been through these same emotions. Jack is right, the "better place" would be here where he wanted to be, with his wife, what better place is there than that? Yet I understand what they're saying, they're trying to console you with reminding you at least they have no more suffering. But alas, we are the ones left to do the suffering, and suffer we do! I don't know why people don't want to talk about them, as if they never existed, but it doesn't matter whether they do or don't, THEY WILL ALWAYS EXIST TO US! There will be some who will talk about him, some who let you talk, with me it was my kids, my sisters, and my girlfriend...those who I was closest to, and they still talk with me about him and let me reminisce. I so much enjoy remembering memories of him of things I loved about him, things we shared and enjoyed. Just yesterday my girlfriend and I were telling someone else about my George. It is important to us to keep their memory alive. I think some people are awkward with it because they don't want to cause us pain and they somehow think by bringing up their name it would cause us pain...as if we ever forget, as if they are ever not already present in our hearts and in our minds!

Time lessens the pain but it never quiets the longings in our hearts.

[SusanK]

Kathy, teh better place emark and others are just more hurtful. People just don't get it. We are in pain because we no longer enjoy the physical presence of our loved one. The grief is about us> They just don't get it and say insensitive and hurtful things.

At times I isolated just to avoid such comments. Wishing you some peace.

s.

[Lynette]

Welcome to this site Kathy,

I'm finding out that in time you learn to cope, but you never stop missing you're loved one. It's been six months for me and with the help from friends and family, I have good days and then I have really bad days. I believe all the "First" (vacations, holidays, etc.) without my prince charming has to be the hardest. I agree that people that are around us try to not mention our spouses who have passed and I think that is because they think it will upset us again. I know my co-workers tippie toe around the subject of their spouses until one day recently I came out and told them it's alright. I'm very happy they have not had to go through what I have gone through and pray to God they never do. Until people have experienced what we all have experienced, they will never understand but you have to love them for trying. Girl, just take one day at a time, don't think of the future right now, it will only put an ache in you're heart. I believe one day we will all find happiness!

Stay active and keep posting on this website, it really helps to read what others have experienced.

Love,

Lynette

[MartyT]

Kathy, dear, you said, "Hospice is trying to get me set up with a grief class but it is hard because I work 2nd shift.I may have to do it my self where would I look???"

In addition to the bereavement services they themselves provide, most hospices are aware of whatever additional support is available in their own communities, including schedules (dates and times, location, etc.) If the particular hospice you've contacted doesn't seem to be responding to or meeting your needs, feel free to contact another one. Other organizations in your community who should know about available bereavement services include hospitals, churches, synagogues, mortuaries and funeral directors, primary care physicians and even your local public library.

The Internet is also an excellent source of information, comfort and support for the bereaved, and it is as far away as your fingertips. You might start with my own Grief Healing Web site, which contains several articles on various aspects of loss, recommended book lists, inspirational writings and poetry, and categorized links to dozens of other helpful resources. Another alternative is to take an online e-mail course on grief, such as the one I wrote for Self-Healing Expressions (now available in e-book format as well). If interested, you can get a sense of it at The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.