250 Days And Not Much Difference

[Rosemary T]

Hi everyone,

I wish I could find someone exactly like me but I guess that is impossible. I keep thinking no one really understands what I am going through because no one is in my same boat. Maybe everyone feels that way?

For example: I listen to women who are obviously older than I am or wealthier because they are not faced with the burden of going to work everyday. People at work don't really know me so they don't understand that I "pretend" to be ok at work. Work keeps me distracted but I am not at the top of my game anymore and it is NOT business as usual. For them, it has been 7 months so I should be ok now.

Or I hear women talk about having to do for their children. I never had any children so I don't have that to keep me grounded or to see my husband in their faces.

Or I hear about women who are young and have their whole lives ahead of them and are talking about starting over. I am 46 and I keep thinking that it is all over for me now. First, I can't imagine EVER getting close to a man again (I had the best and most perfect husband so nothing could ever take his place) and second, I look at myself and can't imagine any man really being interested anymore. Not that I am a hag or anything but lets face it, I am no spring chicken anymore. I can't imagine dating or getting intimate with anyone ever again; it makes my skin crawl!

I often hear about how people find things like church or social groups that they get involved with. I can't seem to muster the energy or interest in anything. I go to work, try to excercise a couple of times a week and visit with a few friends once in a while....not because I get any real enjoyment out of it and not because I feel like I have any purpose in doing it.....I do things because I think I am supposed to. That's it. I eat, sleep, and go about daily functions for the same reason I breath. It is habit and uncomfortable not to.

I can't think of a thing nice or great that someone could tell me that would fill me with any joy and I can't think of anything so terrible that it would bring me any more pain or unhappiness. It would just be "something else" to do or think about. Flat line is the only way I can describe myself.

So, 250 days and I still just exist. The weird thing is I'm not sure I even care that it is this way. I only get a little scared when I think I might live a little too long and in 20 or 30 years I will be in this same situation.

Rosemary

[kayc]

Rosemary,

Welcome to this forum...we are all going through this, and although we all cope differently, we have experienced the same things, that is, loss to the degree that we will never be or feel the same again. Loss that devastates and paralyzes us with it's enormity. Loss that shakes us to the very core of our being. Loss that depresses us and deprives us of joy, even in the things that we previously enjoyed. We all have this isolated feeling that we are alone and no one else understands. The one person that understood is gone.

This morning I woke up bawling, I cried and cried and cried. I am going through a tough time right now and for some reason, this weekend it is hitting me hard.

You are seven months out, of course you can't imagine being with anyone else, and that is good in a way, it protects you from getting yourself into a situation you'd regret. It took me until my third year to process what I'd been through, but in no way am I "over it". I've accepted that it's a part of me and there's no "getting over it" or "moving on", but it does change form, the intensity lessens with time, and you eventually accept this has happened and your life is different now. But oh how much time and effort that takes, and just when you're at a point in your life that you feel you have no effort to give! It is very hard.

I have children but my son is clear across the United States and my daughter (both grown) is busy living her life very independently and we don't have a lot of contact, even though we get along great. My friends disappeared when George died and I commute a long distance, and between that and my work I don't have time to search out and invest in new friends. I have one friend here and she and I seem to view everything quite differently.

When going through all this, my husband's friend and I got together and got married...that was a huge mistake...it's been since Jan. 07 and he has yet to live with me. It's apparent to me that if he loves me at all, it's not much. It's a stark contrast to what I had with George, and only serves to accentuate my loss. In my case, it was not a "moving on" at all, but a huge mistake at a time in my life when I was very very vulnerable. Don't make the mistake of thinking no one would want you...ALL of us sag, bag, wrinkle, and dry up. And someone out there will want you. The important thing is, in coming to know yourself and not making any decision before you're ready to. Your life is different now, you will need to know your identity without your husband and learn to be comfortable with that before making any decision about the rest of your life. I learned all of the important things too late. But that's okay, I still needed to know them and I will eventually be okay, even if I have bad weekends like this one.

My heart goes out to you, I hear what you are saying, and oh how I can understand what you are feeling. It will get better eventually down the road, no you won't have 20 to 30 years of feeling this way, but it won't be the same as before...just a modified version of okay, perhaps with occassional joy thrown in. Some are lucky enough to actually rebuild their lives and be happy, I don't know how, I say lucky them and more power to them. You learn to look at things differently and appreciate each tiny little thing because it's all that you have. For most of us, all of those things you mentioned don't fill us, they're just meaningless motions we go through and we hope eventually they help...maybe they do to a point, but all of this evolution is so gradual we hardly notice until one day we look back and compare with where we were and we realize, "hey I'm a little bit better than I was...although not where I would like to be".

We wish you the best on your journey and hope you will continue to come back.

KayC

Edited October 5, 2008 by kayc

[LarrysGirl]

Rosemary, believe it or not what you have shared with us is more NORMAL than you think. I will be at three yrs. shortly and unfortunately still feel alot like you do. I don't have the energy or desire to put forth effort to find joy in life. I guess thats what you have to do in this situation but asking me to do any more than survive is asking TOO MUCH! I have my daily exsistence, my dogs and then fall into bed talking to Larry and begging him to come home. I know life won't be the same ever but will there ever be a day when I can finally take a deep breath, a day where smiling comes naturally again, a day where I do feel I have a place on this earth possibly a purpose??? I don't know. I know I've not helped lift your spirits yet I wanted to let you know you are not alone, this site will help you to find your way, slowly, but hopefully eventually. I wish for you some peace. Deborah

[dpodesta]

Rosemary,

You are at 7 months and right now all the things you are feeling are normal. Those feelings will change as time goes on. At 7 months being with someone else was the furtherest thing from my mind. I am at 2 1/2 years now and I have dated, it wasn't the same nor did I expect it to be. Also at 7 months I had no energy to get involved in things. I have since then gotten involved in my church and become very active. Different from you I am younger and have a 9 year old to still raise, but that didn't make it any easier or keep me grounded. 46 is still young not all men are looking for the young spring chicken. Right now just concentraate on today and try not to look too far into the future. It will drive you nuts if you do, and will depress more. I did the same thing, looked at the future without anyone around and being lonely and was very down but when I started just looking at today and not worrying about what the future held for me, I was no longer down and had a better outlook on life. I am sire you have heard if you have read any of the posts that the first year is the hardest, that is when we are trying to rediscover who we are without our loved ones, not to mention going through all of the firsts. Just be patient withyour self and take all of the time you need and things will start to get better.

Love always

Derek

[cheryl lee]

Rosemary, to know that you are at 7 months and feel this way makes me wonder how I will feel at 7 months, I have not even made it to 3,but I felt about my husband the way you feel, and i am going to be 49 this saturday. I to have no intrest in life, just going through the motions. I am also about to start a new job, I don't really want to, but finances make me have to, I am trying to as they say 'move on' but it sucks and I hate it. I hate having to pretend that I am doing 'ok', and I'm not, but nobody wants to hear that. I also can't imagine another person in my life,I was married 2 times before I met Dale, and he was the true love of my life,I can't imagine finding another. And I don't want to. other then this I don't know what else to say, I only hope for all of us it will get better, Take care, cheryl lee

[fred]

Rosemary, The first thing I want to say is how sorry I am for your loss, why is it that we spend a lifetime searching for the right person to share with and then all too soon we are alone again. All too soon whether we had a year, ten years or fifty together; it was the depth of our bond that has brought us here. If you have not already realized it, seven months is not a long time in the midst of grief. At seven months I was just beginning to come out of shock, the numbness was just wearing off and reality was setting in. Of course you don´t have the energy to get involved in anything new, all of your efforts right now should be spent on just taking care of yourself. You should be doing only the things that absolutely have to be done and using any ¨extra¨ time to work through your grief. You ARE absolutely normal, there are plenty of women here that feel or felt exactly as you do at this point in the journey; and believe it or not, we men aren´t much different. For me, it was ten months before I had my first good day. A day that I wasn´t in pain for most of my waking hours, a day I actually felt somewhat rested from the few hours of sleep I managed to receive. The next good day wasn´t until my sixteenth month, I hope your experience is better than mine, but don´t focus on the future right now. Live in the moment, each day as it comes; grief is in control now, you are just along for the ride. ¨Flat line¨, not caring, these are all a part of the trip, in fact, they are some of the easier feelings to deal with. A couple of people told me near the beginning of my journey that I would live through this, that someday I may even love again; they had done just that, it was possible. Of course I didn´t believe it then, nor even at seven, twelve or fifteen months. But here I am at twenty-one months having trouble believing that someone does love me, I do have another chance. Live with what you have now, but know that there is hope. Oh, and both she and I are a couple of years older than you. Love doesn´t care about your age or what you look like, it is blind and timeless. Just take care of yourself Kiddo!((( )))

[MikeC]

Hi, Rosemary

I am sorry you lost your husband – he must have been a wonderful man. Friday marked 100 days since my wife of nearly 29 years died after fighting ovarian cancer for 3 years. I am not exactly like you but your description of your life pretty closely matches mine – go to work, come home, go to the gym a couple of times a week, see friends on occasion. I go from feeling numb to feeling sad. I don't have the energy to do much of anything. My wife was the perfect match for me and I know I will never again have what I had with her. I hate living alone and my new life in general, and sometimes the thought of continuing in this manner is overwhelming.

I am thankful I found this site. The folks here are loving, caring kindred spirits. It has helped me to talk about my thoughts and feelings where I know people will understand. I hope you find it comforting here, too.

Mike

[kath]

Dear Rosemary,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Life after death really challenges those of us that are left behind. I'm 49 and I can relate to both worrying about if anyone will ever be able to love me again and being repulsed at the thought of being with anyone besides my husband. Someone told me almost right away that I should find another man. I couldn't believe what they were saying! I didn't just want a man, I wanted mine back. I wanted the man that knew everything about me and loved me anyway! Looking back, I'm pretty sure he was trying to help and, because he cared, he did not want me to be alone.

Well, alone is what it is for awhile. Can you imagine having the energy for a relationship right now? There's no way. You need this time, to sleep, to cry, to heal. Pat yourself on the back for getting out of bed every day and getting to work. It is very difficult. It was all I could do most days to walk in and get past the "good mornings" and "how are you's?"

If you can, try to celebrate your little successes. I was proud of myself for fixing my first flat tire. It was a huge fear before it happened...who would I call? How would I fix it? It required me to reach out to neighbors that were more than willing to lend a hand, but I had to make the call. I'm sure you've faced many hurdles on your own also.

Having children adds to the exhaustion. I constantly worry about what they are going through and I have good deal of guilt that they are not getting the attention they deserve. I don't even know what I fed them the first several months because I'd forgotten how to cook. I'd even burn soup! As unfair as Bob's dying feels to me, I can't help but think it is worse for them.

I think a lot about if it is better to have loved and lost...and I have to say it is. I'm a better person because I was loved.

Take care.

Kath

[Guest moparlicious]

Rosemary,

I would like to say welcome to this site, I hope you will find it as wonderful experience as I have. Your feelings that you feel are very understandable, I am only 41 years old and I am only 13 months into this journey. I know exactly how you feel of no one wanting you, I feel the same way, the thought of meeting someone and getting into a serious relationship scares the Hell out of me, I have tried the dating thing and I just am not ready, I found myself comparing all of them to Dan and I keep looking for another Dan,but the truth is no one can will or wants to replace him!!!! I have no motivation to join clubs or activities, its so many couples and we have many friends, but they are just that OUR friends, I feel a awkwardness and feel like a third wheel, I would just rather stay home than go through this. Don't put yourself down for any of your feelings. This site has changed my life, I had no will or desire to go on, we do have 3 children together, but we were a family and that's all I have ever known, now I am trying to figure out who I am, that is really tough and may take awhile, but I can do it now. Everyone on this site is very special to me, but I would not be here without, KayC, Wendy, Fred, Mike C, Derek, Dusty, Mary Linda, Karen, Marty, Sherry, William, Teny, Deborah and many more. Here is my family and I owe my life to you all!!! You have all made me feel worthy and loved and Rosemary I hope we can do that for you. Love, Kim

[mlg]

Rosemary,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am just a little farther out than you, Tom died Jan 18th and I can't tell you that it's any better. Some days it is worse than the day he died. The last 10 days have been terrible for me. My mom had emergency open heart surgery and there have now been 8 deaths of people who have been relatively close to me. I have been to a lot of visitations since Tom's death but yesterday was the first funeral and it just sent all the memories flowing back. To top it all when traveling to the funeral I went by the motel where we spent our first night as husband and wife so it started before I even got there.

Everyone here will tell you to just take baby steps at first. If you make it through a minute, then you can try an hour, then a day. But like yesterday, I had to start back over at baby steps. Kind of like the "Mother may I" game we used to play when we were kids. You may be too young to remember it but those in their late 50's and 60's will remember it.

Don't expect too much of yourself. Just breathing somedays is an accomplishment. My work and this site have been my salvations as well as my grief support group. Hopefully these things could help you too. Let yourself cry when you need too. Even if it makes those around you uncomfortable you have to take the moment when you have it. Most of them think they understand but really have no clue. Everyone is different, even the people on this site, but if you keep reading and/or posting you will eventually feel a little better.

Just posting to you helps me because I can say what I feel and it is a release for me. One time you'll post and know that you helped someone else get through a step of this horrible process and it will make you feel better at least for a while.

Hang in there. We're here to catch you if you fall

[Caroline]

Hi Rosemary,

My name is Caroline. I live in AZ. Your post touches me deeply. Just wanted to tell you I do understand and I do care ( even though I know I can't be of much help).

I'm much older than you and my husband died in February this year. I too feel like a flat line. I don't have any grandchildren, have a daughter about your age but her husband is very needy and takes all her time. That's ok, as long as they love each other, it's none of my business. But it leaves me very alone. My dog Lacy is the only living breathing being that cares about me on a daily basis so the only reason I don't just leave this planet is because she depends on me.

I will keep you in my daily prayers and pray for your strength, comfort, and patience as you transition to the future. You are young and have many years of life left. Please keep the faith - life is for the living. Sounds like you are doing the very best you can and that is a lot to be proud of and all that you should expect of yourself at this time.

I wish I had more wisdom to give - all I can say is I care and I do acknowledge your pain. I think all of life is a journey with many bumps and curves. I hope your road ahead will soon take a new turn and open the door to the happiness (we all want to love and be loved) that all of us deserve.

Bless you,

Caroline

Grively

[kimb]

Rosemary

I'm sorry for your loss. I have only been a widow now just a little over 5 months. It hurts. Its not easy having to say good bye to your best friend. I don't even know how to go on myself. I guess just take it day by day, moment by moment. I go to church which helps me some. I have jesus in my heart and that helps me tremendiously. Having friends helps, and just to let someone here helps me alot. But i believe no one can ever replace Kent.

God bless

kimb

[Lily]

Dear Rosemary, I haven't come on site for awhile because, I don't know - just

don't feel like it - and this feeling even though it's about the only place

I believe I'm understood....but for me, missing my husband and the feeling

of desperation, sadness, emptiness seems to be getting worse....he is not

coming back to me and I feel sick with that realization...and, really, I

don't want to live like this....and I'm tired and bored with the questions, Would Rich want you to be like this? Well, I know he wouldn;t want me to

suffer anymore than I would want him to suffer/ And you have to just

keep going on and it will get better! (And how do they know that? how

can they know that? when they don't know what and who I've lost) They, maybe

can understand, ---but can't feel the pain, the tightness, the hardness, the

complete emptiness. When I keep up the conversation (mostly them doing the

talking - with appropriate responses - well - you're doing better. God -

I am so tired of hearing that - I just want to scream - but then that would

just scare them, wouldn't it and so instead of the bereaved being supported or comforted or understood - it's the bereaved who has to think - don't make

them feel uncomfortable - talk about what they want to hear or listen to their

lives - and don't they know that just listening to their everyday little

moments is torture - because I don't have that --- and then I feel selfish

and angry at myself - because these people do have a life and why am I angry

at them - but do they think I feel love and support and comfort when I get

the once every 3 mos phone call - I feel like the obligatory afterthought -

and I especially like the "God has plans for you" - Well - I just wonder

what they could be - because right now - everything seems like an irrelvancy

to me -- and I just can't imagine what I would rather do that walk holding

hands with the man I loved. I picked up an IrisMurdoch novel - The Sacred

and Profane - and saw this "...bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the

imagination of the unbereaved...." and I believe that's why we get comfort

when we come on to this site....but I can't do this 24 hrs a day - so

when I get off - I do "stuff" - I try to read; I try to help others who

are not well, I clean, I shop, I take walks, I talk to people, etc....but

have absolutely no joy, no peace. I live alone, have no children, no

real friends, and when I attempt to reach out I have been disappointed -

it seems as though I've become a sounding board for those who want to

talk about their problems to someone who hasn't heard it all before - or

even just tell their stories to someone who hasn't heard it before - ok

I'll listen - because it takes my mind off myself - but then that all

just reinforces that I Am Alone - and I can't imagine finding another

person like Rich - who in 45 years never let me down - always there with

the arm over my shoulder or hand in my hand - no angel or saint by any

means - and certainly the 45 years had ups and downs but he was my solid

rock...and we really like each other...after all those years. Right now

I am so tired. I hope reading this doesn't make you feel worse...when

I read your post, I wanted to just hold you and not say a word...I can't

feel your pain, but I know what pain is and I understand you. Lily

[fred]

We do understand Lily. ((( )))