News To Tell

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi all,

Just wanted to let you know I am going through alot of things right now and I haven't posted or responded because I am having so many troubling times, but I know I really need you all more than ever. As some of you know, or don't my beloved Dan died on 08/20/2007 at the age of 41, we have been blessed with 3 great children and we were together 24 years, married 20, cancer took his life. Within 4 months my best friend died of a accidental overdose, and 3 months after that my beloved grandmother died. My sister in law is battling for her life with lymphoma and my mother in law's cancer is active and internal now. My 21 year old son is battling some illness which dr.'s cannot figure out what is wrong with him. He has stomach pain all the time, hardly eats, and is blah. We are going through all the tests processes and hope to hear something soon. My 17 year old daughter has eosphagus disease and psorisis (which is attacking her immune system, no cure or nothing we can do for this) She also has troubling swallowing and eating. She is allergic to tons of stuff, dairy and eggs being just a start(trying to make her soft nutritional foods is a challenge) I keep trying to keep my head up, but feel like I am in a downward spiral. I cannot understand why all this pain. Why did Dan die? Why are my children suffering? Physically and mentally? I am not sleeping well and took a break for a few months from school due to I cannot focus or concentrate. I am persuing my dream of being a pharmacy technician and I will graduate with a associates in Science. I am going into IV meds/chemotherapy or pharmacutical sales. I just seem to be losing my spark and faith in life.I keep praying for relief and hope but the despair keeps piling up. I am so tired of this and wonder all the time with the whys. Dan and I had so many plans. I need him here so much as his sister, mother and 2 of our 3 children battle to stay healthy. In spite of all this, I know people out there need my help, therefore my children, myself and in laws will be doing a variety of things at the St Lukes church to help feed the hungry for Christmas. I pray for strength and wisdom. I love you all on this site and thank you for all your support. This pain and hurt has changed me and now this depression I am in has really taken a toll on me. I have tried dr.'s, medicine and all that but I still continue to be depressed and sad. Ugh, this life sucks and I wish I was with Dan, but I know that is not God's plan, but what is??? Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something and I deserve this but then I don't know why. Watching your soulmate take his last breath has been a haunting and troubling image I wish I did not have. I wish you all peace and love from my heart. Love, Kim

[carrieboo]

Kim, while I cannot understand all these feelings you are going through right now, I know how it feels to think we are being punished. Why give the gift of a beautiful relationship, life, and then just take it away...cause pain? But a friend replied to me and said we were actually rewarded with the time we had with him, and we are WHO we are today, in part because of him. It is true, but it still really hurts, and its hard to accept. Like you, all I could think of was Why? But trying to make light of everything that is happening will only make you worse because it is a circular question that really, can never be answered. It was one of the hardest things to get through for me, they "why's"...and I do not know how and when I came to the realization and acceptance that I will never know why, but when I did, it made things just a little less stressful and gave me the ability to appreciate our time together, even more.

I don't know if this makes any sense, and I don't really have good advice to give, but for me, being a depressed person as it was my partner always tried to make me happy and help me get out of my depression, he hated seeing me upset. So with this in mind, it gave me a little more internal support knowing he is still there with me, helping me get through the stressors in my life.

We are all thinking of you, and here to listen and try to help you through all of this.

with love and support.

[shhh65]

((((Kim)))),

My heart breaks for the storms which are raging in your life right now. Today marks the first anniversary of Harry's sudden death and I have only to read your post to realize as bad as that feels I am blessed. My children and grandchildren are healthy. I lifted you and your children, your sister-in-law and mother-in-law up in prayer. I pray you'll get relief soon.

You are a strong, giving and loving person. In spite of the pain you are in you are reaching out to help others. What courage that takes!

[WendyJ]

Oh Kim I wish I knew what to say to you to take the pain away but just know you are not alone, by any means. I have been extremely depressed, everyone is trying so hard to say the right things to get me out of this but it is not working, and I feel bad because I see their frustration. Like you said today what did I do to deserve all this pain and heartache ? Am I that horrible of a person, what did I do that was so horrible that all my hopes and dreams were taken away from me in an instant? I want to be happy again, I want to live life again...I want to smile and laugh again. I can not handle any more death, sickness or heartache in my life either. Kim we will continue to be here for each other, it hurts I know...hurts like hell...can't imagine a hurt any worse but we will support each other and get through these Holidays and try to find a way to move on without our loved ones and try to help the ones who are ill. I am sorry I can't be of more support, just want you to know you are not alone in this cruel world.

Love, Wendy

[marsha]

Kim - dear one - I wish I had the answers, too, to the questions you're asking. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and pick out some things you said on your post. You're studying to be a pharmacy tech, and you and your family will be out on Christmas helping others. When I see what you're going through, and then when I see what you are doing, and continue to do, I'm awed, seriously. You have a good, a loving heart. There's a whole lot we have no control over, but things change - sometimes for the better. We're looking through life right now with "mourner's eyes" - through the eyes of grief, and sometimes helplessness, and things seem bleak. But things could change for the positive as well - I'm hoping and praying it does for you. Love, Marsha

[MikeC]

Kim, you amaze me - to face so many problems, deal with your grief, and then devote your Christmas to helping the needy takes incredible strength of character and a huge, loving heart. I don't think I could handle your load right now. I am sure Dan is so proud of you.

Mike

[kath]

Dear Kim,

I need to echo...YOU ARE AMAZING and WONDERFUL and THOUGHTFUL and KIND and AN AWESOME MOM. One of the hardest things for me is to go through the struggle of daily living and meet all these old and new challenges head on, without help, when there is no one that will acknowledge what a great job I did. If you are an extrovert (and your ability to reach out to so many unsefishly tells me you could be) is that we need to hear it from other people. I can give credit to God for His divine help in getting me through tough times or setting people in place to help me, but it is the hardest to give myself credit for doing any of the work. For me, my spouse was able to offer that quite regularly. To hear all you do for others amidst all your own struggles, is like watching saints on ice or something. So please, listen to us as we tell you that YOU ARE AMAZING and WONDERFUL and THOUGHTFUL and KIND and AN AWESOME MOM. Because you top the charts, my dear.

Love,

Kath

[Guest moparlicious]

Wow!!!!! Thank you all so much for your kind words another day tackled, no results for my son yet!!!! you guys, my kids, and family are the only things keeping me going and I thank for that. My mother in law said this will be her last Christmas(I hope she is wrong) so I am trying to enjoy each moment, but it is so hard. Love, Kim

[teny]

Dear kim .I can not believe that God gave you this sufering.I wish that HE will think it over this christmas that it is suposed to be the celebration of birth and new start.I will pray for strength that we all need but today you need it more.Love from far away TENY

[Rosemary T]

Kim,

Your strength and courage are obviously amazing to us all and yet I know you don't want to feel strong or brave, you want the pain and suffering to stop. What an inspiration you are to the people around you and what a role model you are to your children. When they are grown up, have children of their own, and lives to lead, they are going to be awesome members of society due to watching you handle such adversity.

Thank you for always being so honest in your postings. You help us all so much. Peace to you!

[kayc]

Wow Kim, you sound like Job! I can't for the life of me understand why some people get hit with everything while other's lives seem to remain unscathed. I would have to believe that while you are inundated with troubles right now on every turn, it won't remain like that throughout your entire life. My niece has Psoriasis and I never knew much about it before then but she too suffers and I don't understand why. I can only tell you I will pray for you, and NO you are not being punished for something, God doesn't work that way! If He DID have to send something to get our attention He would let us know. Sometimes life just happens, who knows why...try to hang in there as best as you can and tell God how you feel - even if it means getting mad, He values our honesty and authenticity, and His shoulders are broad enough to take it. I think it's good that you're taking a break from school right now so you won't have that additional stress on top of everything else. You will get back to your goals when it is right for you. You have inspired so many of us, I really look up to and admire you. Just remember the Serenity Prayer and take things one day at a time...you are there for so many people, thank God you are, but don't forget to be there for yourself...schedule a bubble bath, a walk, a massage, time to read a book or enjoy a hot cup of tea/cocoa/coffee...but remember to love yourself, you need it! Most of us are used to relying on the person that we love giving us what we need and when that person is gone we don't know what to do, but we need to learn to give ourselves what we need.

Love,

KayC

[mlg]

Kim,

My sister-in-law had something wrong with her esophagus and when she was younger had to have it stretched all the time. She lived on soup and ice cream for over 30 years. She was scared to death to try anything else because a piece of bread once got caught when she tried more solid foods. Well , the last year or so she's decided to try again and is eating a few more things like spaghetti, puddings, and I'm not sure what else but at least she can go to a restaurant and eat because before she'd always take her own can of soup because there were only certain ones she would eat for fear somethin in it would choke her. I hope your daughter can get better results that this or at least quicker, but I guess what I'm trying to say is there is hope.

I pray for your son and mother in law also, but most of all for you that you can make it through all of this.

[Guest moparlicious]

Thank you my friends!!!!!! Got some results for son, his r kidney which he had surgery on lost some of its functioning because for 17 years the r kidney had a blockage in the tube. He had 2 stints put in and they did not work so he had to get it re routed,it is now working at 35% prior to the surgery it was 18%, this percentage has gone down 2% but dr said it is ok. He now has to go to a gastrointernalogist. Dr thinks his intestines or pancreas is having problems, he still has pain. He is 21 and has little energy and eats less and less, please pray as I am going through Hell right now and try to remain positive. I love you guys and thank you all for your support and kindness. Love, Kim

[shhh65]

Kim,

Will continue to hold you and your children in my prayers. Love you too!

[walter/Erica]

Hi all,

Just wanted to let you know I am going through alot of things right now and I haven't posted or responded because I am having so many troubling times, but I know I really need you all more than ever. As some of you know, or don't my beloved Dan died on 08/20/2007 at the age of 41, we have been blessed with 3 great children and we were together 24 years, married 20, cancer took his life. Within 4 months my best friend died of a accidental overdose, and 3 months after that my beloved grandmother died. My sister in law is battling for her life with lymphoma and my mother in law's cancer is active and internal now. My 21 year old son is battling some illness which dr.'s cannot figure out what is wrong with him. He has stomach pain all the time, hardly eats, and is blah. We are going through all the tests processes and hope to hear something soon. My 17 year old daughter has eosphagus disease and psorisis (which is attacking her immune system, no cure or nothing we can do for this) She also has troubling swallowing and eating. She is allergic to tons of stuff, dairy and eggs being just a start(trying to make her soft nutritional foods is a challenge) I keep trying to keep my head up, but feel like I am in a downward spiral. I cannot understand why all this pain. Why did Dan die? Why are my children suffering? Physically and mentally? I am not sleeping well and took a break for a few months from school due to I cannot focus or concentrate. I am persuing my dream of being a pharmacy technician and I will graduate with a associates in Science. I am going into IV meds/chemotherapy or pharmacutical sales. I just seem to be losing my spark and faith in life.I keep praying for relief and hope but the despair keeps piling up. I am so tired of this and wonder all the time with the whys. Dan and I had so many plans. I need him here so much as his sister, mother and 2 of our 3 children battle to stay healthy. In spite of all this, I know people out there need my help, therefore my children, myself and in laws will be doing a variety of things at the St Lukes church to help feed the hungry for Christmas. I pray for strength and wisdom. I love you all on this site and thank you for all your support. This pain and hurt has changed me and now this depression I am in has really taken a toll on me. I have tried dr.'s, medicine and all that but I still continue to be depressed and sad. Ugh, this life sucks and I wish I was with Dan, but I know that is not God's plan, but what is??? Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something and I deserve this but then I don't know why. Watching your soulmate take his last breath has been a haunting and troubling image I wish I did not have. I wish you all peace and love from my heart. Love, Kim

Kim, You have sspoken with my tongue. I feel similalrly to you in so many ways. thsi despair and darkness all related to my widowhood has just all but finished me. My precious faith in God si taking major strain and I feel like God has truly turned His back on me. Erica x

[kayc]

Erica,

It is common to feel that way, not unusual at all. Give it time and hang in there, faith has a way of returning once we realize that God never left us at all but wanted to go through everything with us. Part of the anger stage is to be angry with God for what we view as His choice, taking our loved one away from us. I'm not so convinced that is the case, though, sometimes bad things just happen, sometimes we as humans make choice that carry with them, consequences...in my husband's case he had a combination of genetics and smoking. Is this, then, God's fault? Rather than wonder why this had to happen, in which nothingness is the answer that echoes back to me, I ask what I need to do, how I best survive this...the "why" may never be answered to me in a way I can fully understand. I try to look at the positive side, that is that George no longer has to go through the struggles of survival like I do, for that I am grateful. It doesn't easy my lonliness, but it does make acceptance easier. If you are struggling to accept Walter's death, do not feel alone, you have plenty of company here, it is the hardest thing in the world and it does take an immense amount of time and energy getting there. God has not deserted you, although I am sure you feel like it at times...our feelings don't always correctly assess a situation, but they sure can be powerful and hard to ignore!

[JeanneC]

Kim:

I am so sorry to hear about everything that is going on in your life. You have to be a strong woman to handle all of this. Grieving for your Dan alone is enough. Even though the pain might have lessened, it is still hard to handle, especially all the plans for the future that we all have had.

I have a friend that I know since I am a teenager that I went to visit in Florida for the holidays. I love her dearly, but she cannot understand how I felt when I came to Florida and told her that I feel like I left Alex in NY. It seemed like I felt more depressed being with friends during Christmas than being alone in NY in my house. She said she never had any connection to houses that she left. I also told her that she has never gone through what I have been going through. Not that I want her to. I told her that when you lose a spouse, your life changes forever. She doesn't understand.

But we all understand how much pain we are going through even if your loved ones are gone for some time.

I do hope that things do get better for you and I will pray that they do.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi all,

I just wanted to tell you all how much your support means to me and your compassion and care. I love you all so much and wish we all lived closer, but I send many ((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to everyone!!!!!!!!

My internet was down for a week so I am sorry I have not been on.

My son has been in alot of pain this week, his stomach hurts so much!!!!!! I am getting so frustrated. Some good news. we now know his kidneys are still functioning well and it is not that, he has chronic renal disease and his kidney is working at 35% on the r side. That is pretty good since he started at 18% and the chances of him losing that kidney are still pretty good.He lost some muscle and tissue function in that kidney( I know we only need one to live and dr said if the L kidney starts acting up, he has 2 wonderful sisters, but the 20 yr old (Danelle) said if anything happens to her brother she would give him a kidney. We are no where near this point yet, we have to go to another specialist next week. I just want to make it through this weekend and hope for my sons pain to somewhat diminish. I know I already posted some of this information, but we got the full dr report now from the Mag3 test(it is a test for the kidneys and bladder) Thank you for the prayers. I will keep you all updated as I hear anything. I just cry and pray. Love , Kim

[Sadeyes]

Dear Kim,

I really am not good with words, but after hearing your story I want to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers and in my thoughts. I also want to let you know that my brother lost a kidney many years ago in an auto accident. He is now 53 years old and going strong. I hope this will be of some comfort regarding your son.

Sending you many hugs and prayers <3

[kayc]

Kim,

You and your family are in my thoughts and I am praying for your son. How old is he and what is his name? You have a sweet daughter to want to donate a kidney to her brother! Do they know what caused this disease? If your daughter donates a kidney and then she comes down with this, that would put her terribly at risk, do you know it's not genetic or she's not likely to get it?

We missed you this week, I'm glad your internet is up and running again! I had problems with mine at work yesterday, it makes it hard to get anything done!

Hang in there with all you are going through...

Love,

KayC

[Guest moparlicious]

KayC,

My sons name is Joshua and he just turned 21 years old. As far as we know the disease is not herditary, he was born with this and it never got detected till he was 17. My other daughters name is Missie and then we have Danelle, who is well. It is pronounced Danielle, just spelled without the I. Thank you again for your kindness and friendship. I have many friends on this site and I have missed you all too.I wish for peace for all of us, we sure need it. I really appreciate all the private e mails I have been sent, your concern for my me truly touches my heart!!!!! You all are my angels!!!!! Love, Kim

[Corinne]

Kim,

Just want you to know I am keeping you and your children in my prayers.

Love & Hugs,

Corinne

[jackietnd1]

Hi Kim,

Sorry to hear you are going through so much, I pray for you and your entire family,

You are such a special person, I remember when I came on this site you were always here for me

and I know you still are. I did not know you had so many loses so close together, however I now know

I am not ever alone. 03/20/2008 I lost my best friend of 16 years of cancer like your friend and he just went to

sleep in my arms, I know this was a blessing because we talked about it and that is what he wanted not what I did.

On 11/15/2008 I just lost my mother to cancer as well and did watch her take her last breath which I do wonder was that

such a great thing. I am so proud of you and you are such a great person and an encouragement to me each time I read

your post. I have not post in a long time myself due to Mom moving here in June and dealing with her and her illness.

Now they are both together and I am still here and not even sure If I want to be myself, I just always love hearing from

you, and know that God is using you, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Keep the Faith

Jackie

[Guest moparlicious]

THis is me and my family.Dan is the cute bald one, LOL. Danelle is on the older one. Joshua my son and our youngest daughter Missie. I have changed style and hair color. Real blond now, I am naturally blond but this was taken right before Dan went into Hospice and I was wiped out, being a full time caretaker is sooooooooo draining, but I would not have traded it for anything. Love, Kim P.S.- Nobody usually gets to see me without make up but oh well ha ha love you guys.

[Guest moparlicious]

Jackie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hip hip horay I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy to see you posted. I have missed you and we have been through alot of loses around the same time. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support and I am very blessed to call you my friend. Keep the faith, and please don't be such a stranger, we have helped each other through many hard times. I will always be here for everyone, for you all are my extended family and I am so sorry we had to meet under these circumstances, but on the other hand I count you all as blessings to me, I am able to grow and gain strength from each and every one of us. Our love ones are all together, watching out for us, forever in our hearts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love, Kim