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Posted

Hi everyone

I am at the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life. Cliff and I were so giving to so many people, and we behaved the way we did because we cared, not because we wanted paying back, but still ... it makes this hurt even more. Why do people mistake kindness as a weakness? It's not, it's a strength. Why don't they realize what they are doing to my head ... and worse still do they even care? Why do they assume I am stupid because I am trusting? I choose to be the way I am ... scatty, girlie, giving. There is another very cold side to me which they won't like and they are slowly but surely pushing it to manifest itself in my behaviour and in words. Then no doubt, they will not take accountability for their actions, but will imply that I have "lost it".

It started with Cliff's daughter leaving me with $4000 of debt that I had to pay because she pressurized us so much to stand as guarantor on her rented place. No thank you. No apology. All I got was an unforgivable text stating that she hoped I wasn't going to turn into a "wicked stepmother and swindle her out of her inheritance" ... and this barely one month after I lost him. She now seems to think it's ok to rewrite history and deny that this was the case.

Then when I ask someone who we have helped time and again, financially and otherwise, to dog-sit he does so happily. I ensured both times that the house was stocked with food, drink etc and wrote off further debts because he has helped ... only to discover both times, that he has taken stuff from the house/garden and scrapped it for cash at the scrapyard. He clearly thinks I am unaware and has no conscience about it.

Then another friend promises to come finish some work at the house three weekends running and lets me down, with no contact whatsoever.

Then another friend asks me to bring him back tobacco from abroad (it's cheaper) and instead of paying me back ... says that because he is broke he has had to sell it to "get by" ... and feels bad. So why do it? He only had to ask and I'd have agreed. So, today he was supposed to take Cliff's van to have an MOT (licence to state it is roadworthy) ... books it in, but fails to take it. In my eyes, that is taking total liberties. He could have at least done that, and would never have done this had Cliff still been here. Not only that, but at 08h00 this morning on a Saturday, when they knew how exhausted I was after my business trip ... a friend of his staying at his ... starts banging on my door, ringing the bell incessantly, with no care as to the fact that I couldn't sleep last night, and had only been asleep for 2 hours. Granted she wasn't aware of this, but I would never keep ringing someone's door at the weekend when they work all week, never mind the fact that they are bereaved and need their rest.

Why are their needs always greater than mine? When it was mine to give and I did.

It compounds the fact that I am alone ... that he has gone. It is cruel, unforgiving and selfish.

It overrides all the goodness that others do.

It makes me feel and think in a way that makes me uncomfortable.

WHY do they do it?

I am so so angry and I hate it, and hate them for making me feel like this.

As if I don't have enough to deal with.

Sorry for the rant, but I had to get this off my chest ...

Posted

thanks Marty, it just hurts so much and makes me feel afraid, and even more alone, if that's possible. I don't want to lose my trust in people and turn into a cynic. I think I need to find a healthy balance and rethink my support network and involve those who I can trust more.

Oh Boo, I'm so sorry to learn that so many of your friends (?!) have let you down so badly :(
Posted

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. With friends like these...

Could you maybe spend some time with one friend who you know won't be like this? It could help offset the bad things your other "friends" are doing.

The world is full of selfish, self-serving people, I'm sad to say. :(

Posted

Boo - I'm sorry you've had to deal with these $##$?! people. One of the lovely side effects in the first few months was that fear of who to trust. I think I erred on the side of paranoia! It feels like no one has your back anymore, so I do understand. Over the months, I've tried to weed out the ones who said "just call me!", and disappeared, from the ones who didn't say anything, but just did it - just helped. It meant a great deal of re-writing my address book - there were people I expected to be there, but weren't, yet others, the ones I least expected, were the ones that helped me. Don't worry about showing your cold side - you're not the same person as you were, and you have to take care of YOU. If you're afraid of hurting someone's feelings? So what? From these past months, I feel like I know you - you are that giving and loving person. You don't hide the best of yourself. Seek out the ones that will strengthen you, help you - and the hell with the rest - let them just go. Love and hugs, Marsha

Posted

Boo,

I think of you as a compassionate, loving person...bold and strong. If people can not step up to the plate now or do what they say they will do.....they are the ones who lose out. They were lucky to have had you and Cliff for friends. Be who you are.....the smart, kind woman that we know.

Sometimes we do have to let go of people that are using us. They probably don't think they are, but still. I do expect people to do the things they say they will do. If they don't, after a few times, I just understand them in a new way....that they are not someone I can count on or go to for anything.

You deserve people around you who appreciate your new situation and have some follow through. I too have been surprised by the friends who have stepped up to help me out and the ones who have not. I guess when Tom was alive it was never an issue, because he and I were such a strong team and didn't ask for help. We were more the helpers, like you.

I hope your day got better.

Valley

Posted

Boo,

I am relatively new to this forum and each time I read your posts, you provide so much insight for me and sound so very strong. I have gained so much from you and look forward to your insight. I have had some similar situations at work with those that feel that can (knowing my situation) take advantage of me or not have to respect me and my decisions... "because I am weak, going through a difficult time or...whatever they are saying" I feel so hurt and angry. Scott's death has given me a clearer vision..I think maybe I had more patience before, maybe let things slide before, I know longer do.. so, I have in fact changed and perhaps those friends (I use that term loosely) are not and never were friends... It was just that you were in such a good place with your husband that the two of you ...together...just gave and never realized that those around you were just so willing to take!!! Scott and I did that also and I am very guarded now as Scott would be horrified to see people take from me knowing how I am hurting. I would assume that your Cliff would feel the same way. There are good people out there that care greatly for you and the pain you are in but those that want to just take can take from someone else...

laurie

Posted

Boo:

I too, am new to the forum, but from what I have read, you are always there for everyone in the forum. It is not fair that there are people out there who have no qualms taking advantage of people. I have 2 examples in my/our lives:

1. My husband was very, very intelligent, and always wanted to do things to help others. And he did, many many times. However, there is one instance that hurt him to the core. He worked with business associates in the medical field (his field was engineering and finance) on a technology that would revolutionize the detection of cervical cancer. However, as it turned out, the people he worked with and trusted turned out to really only be interested in making money, and the company they built essentially went bust. I don't believe he ever fully recovered from this disillusionment, as he was one who believed in a gentleman's handshake. As it is, I am thankful that the technology has not been lost, and another company is working on its refinement. But I am very angry at people who are users, and while I try not to waste my energy on them, I have no respect for them.

2. Shortly after my husband was buried, my mother-in-law received a call about the bronze plate for his gravesite (she had done all these arrangements as he was buried beside his father, and sudden arrangements had to be made). We decided to wait a bit (money, I want to figure out what to put on the plate), and though the guy was pushy, she put him off. A couple days later, she received a call from the cemetary from the woman she had dealt with orginally. It turns out the guy was a scam artist. I don't have to tell you what I think of people like that.

You have every right to protect yourself, and you are right - your generous nature is not a weakness - it is a strength. I hope you find people you can trust!

Thinking of you,

Korina

Posted

Thanks so much everyone - I have woken up today feeling so much happier and stronger. To save me re-writing it all please click on today's blog entry:

http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/08/happier-today.html

Em, actually I am spending the afternoon with just such a person :-)

Korina - the con artist that contacted you made my blood run cold ... that is disgusting. Actually in the UK, there are people who read the obituaries and then rob the houses when they know everyone is out at the funeral. Despicable.

Laurie, Valley and Marsha - thanks for your kind words, they made me feel warm again.

Posted

Boo,

It is obvious you are a kind and giving soul. (Look at all you do for us here.) My befriender (the woman assigned from my church to help me through this) would often say that to me as well. Her biggest fear was that I would be taken advantage of because of my kindness. Not knowing how to set boundaries can be devastating as others draw all of our emotional energy away. It's happened since Bob's death, the letdowns and people not following through as promised. But it was nothing new, really. I think my expectations of them were higher because of what I had been through. I expected that others would see the exhaustion and the vulnerability and the sadness, but, they don't. It is a selfish world and there are lots of others out there that see only themselves. I have been an afterthought, at most, in their books.

I'm sorry you have to experience it. Maybe Cliff protected you from it in the past. My Bob used to get really upset with people (expecially those closest to me.) Stay strong. Be aware. You will be giving again and will be hurt again, but don't let it change the caring person that you are. That would be the real letdown.

Kath

Posted

Kath

you are very right. Cliff did absolutely protect me from all of this. I am learning. If there was one thing that he was proud of, it was that even though we went through a lot of hard stuff with people, that it never changed me. That I never got bitter. I won't let this change me because I will feel as though I have let him down. I have to stay the person who he fell in love with so that he can recognize me when it's time for me to join him (what weird thoughts we have these days!) but equally I need to be an adult (hard for me) and manage who I trust and how I trust etc. I know what their shortfallings are and therefore shouldn't be shocked when it happens. I need to arrange things so that I am not dependant on them, I need to not take the sometimes easy/lazy option, but as you know grief is tiring like nothing else! I'll get there ...

Posted

Boo,

I am so sorry to hear of your experiences...I can only say there are two types of people...1)Those selfless ones that care and 2) Those with "thinking errors" that take advantage. In the DOC (Our Department of Corrections...ie prison system), they call it criminal thinking errors...and those who are criminal perceive goodness and kindness as a "weakness" and take advantage of it. They figure the person deserves what they get for being so weak or stupid. It is unfortunate that we live in a society where this thinking becomes more prevalent. Many people with "thinking errors" have not broken any legal laws, so they do not think themselves criminal...however, judging ethics is another issue...they ARE guilty of that and more!

I like to think there's Karma and it'll all come out in the end...but who knows, sometimes it doesn't seem to work that way.

Having been royally taken by my last husband, I can only tell you what I've learned over the course of the last year...

*Do NOT let these people have the power to alter your sweet dispostion...continue to be your lovely self!

*I partook of a course that taught me that naivety is lack of experience...I had to learn NOT to be so naive or trusting...let people EARN the right to my trust by proven behavior. It's unfortunate that it has to be this way, but these ARE the times we're living in. Don't be afraid to let an enemy be an enemy...just don't kid yourself that they are your friend.

*Surround yourself with positive people. People who are this way are NOT your "friends". I've cut a great deal of people loose this year...it might make for a lonely existence, but then again, peaceful and alone is better than surrounding yourself with these crooks and having your life filled with disadvantage or drama. Besides...it weeds them out and makes more room for the kind of people you want in your life...just a little aside, just because someone is a relative or in-law or neighbor, etc. does NOT necessarily make them a candidate for friendship.

*Assert yourself...if you don't stand up for yourself, who will? When we had a spouse who did it, sometimes it was easy to let them...and it felt good to do so, but now we need to stand up for our own selves...it comes with valuing ourselves and taking care of ourselves.

I'm glad you posted this, Boo, it's not good to carry our burdens alone or to stuff it inside, it's healthy to let it out. Think of it like this, these people did you a favor, they showed their true colors so now you needn't waste any more time on them!

"A friend loves at all times"..."A friend sticks closer than a brother"

Posted

Thanks so much Kay.

that is a great way of explaining it. I am going to work on this advice, slowly but surely, and let karma deal with the rest :-)

Work sent me on an assertiveness course, and it has helped me a lot ... but at work, not at home! I tend to go quiet and expect the people who have wronged me to guess that I know that they have!!! Which makes for a lot of paranoia and nothing positive really. Cliff used to think I was sulking but I wasn't, I was just upset and found it so hard to open my mouth in that situation ... he learned to recognize the signs.

My whole life I have had people take care of/protect me:

as a child - my Daddy

as a teenager - the rugby team at my school

as an adult - Cliff and his friends (I met Cliff when I was 18 although wasn't with him till I was 30)

So in a way, I've never had to do it and I guess I just don't know how to. I can stand up for other people but not myself which is stupid - because that proves I can do it. I still have Cliff's friends, but don't want to bother them over stuff that's silly. I'd only involve them if someone was threatening or bullying me - something more serious.

Cliff and I went through some times where people tried to take us for a ride (royally too - I love that expression!) till he put a stop to it. He also "managed" me through this time, because he understood that I just couldn't understand how people could be like that. He healed me from it all and was always proud of the fact that it never changed me, or made me bitter. I am determined that this whole experience of losing Cliff, and all the annoying hurtful things that people have done/said will not alter me at all. It's not my responsibility (their behaviour).

thanks again Kay

xx

Posted

Boo,

Thanks for your courage for writing your heart out. I too feel I am more sensitive after my best friend's died that I do not feel I will be able to defend myself if people try to take advantage of my sensitiveness. I am just going to go on with the memories of my best friend in my heart to help me feel stronger and not necessarily have to fight the distractions outside.

Kavish

Posted

Boo...In a different situation but kind of along these lines, I am learning to let others own their own responsibility. For instance, when I started seeing Jim, my friend Deby treated me really weird/bad...I decided instead of trying to analyze it (she's jealous, possessive, etc.), I'd just let HER deal with her own problems. I tried to include her and be sensitive to her, but she continued to respond in a hostile manner, so I just let it go and refused to partake of it. I am, in short, letting her own her own problems and I'm not going to worry about it. Then John called and left me a message and was trying to manipulate me emotionally, so I decided not to respond, to just let it go. Just because someone reacts in a negative way to me, doesn't mean I have an obligation to deal with it...it's THEIR'S to own and deal with.

Essentially, the same can be true for someone who "does me dirty". I may confront them about what they did (it's best if it can be done in a professional way, without the emotion of anger), and then resolve not to let them have a second opportunity to do it again to me. Let THEM own responsibility for themselves...that ownership may be losing you as a friend, it may be restitution (which may or may not be forthcoming, depending on whether they take ownership), it may be an altered version of a more limited friendship (if they apologize and make restitution) with caution. That is up to you to decide, your own boundaries, what you will and will not accept in others. Our part is to set the boundary, convey it, enforce it. It takes practice but we can get better at this!

Good luck to you...I know how hard this is, but it does get better and more natural as you begin to implement these changes in your life. Taking the reins of your own life is much more preferable than merely venting, it's constructive and positive!

Posted

Kay, yet again, brilliant insight and advice. Thank you xxx You are so right and I will be a big girl in future, plus what I said before ... not be lazy (because I am tired and it is easier) ... and ensure that I don't put myself in situations where this type of thing can happen to me again. I also know that that is what Cliff would say to me.

Marty - I thought the article was really good and I can apply the rationale behind the example used in the article, into how I deal with confrontations going forward.

THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH

Tonight one of Cliff's friends rang (the one who is finishing some work on the house) really apologetic. Turns out they are moving house (I didn't know) and he felt awful for not being in touch ... he is coming over the weekend after next.

And I feel very foolish about the other person I was upset about. Turns out the battery was flat on the van so he couldn't take it to be licenced, so he didn't let me down after all. He is sorting it out this week.

What I have learned from this is along the lines that you have suggested Kay. If I had rung both these men I would have known the full story and would not have got upset. They didn't call me but they don't understand how I feel - how could they? So it took them a while to explain why both chores were delayed. I was upset, so I should have owned the emotion and got in touch with them.

As for the other person, well, I am never going to leave myself open to being taken advantage of by him again.

HUGS

Posted

Great example, Marty! It works.

Boo, I'm proud of you...you are open to learning, and you'll do just fine...I'm so glad two of the three turned out to have a good explanation and happy ending! How true that we need to talk to people about our concerns before we conclude anything...I find that to be so, all the time!

Posted

Boo - - I think that everyone on this site not only is proud of you, they love you for all the help, support and understanding that you have so freely given. You are right when you say that people don't understand how you feel, but I am sure that the people in your life love you too. How could they not. Do not let this change you. If someone doesn't follow through on a promise, contact them and ask why. If they still don't follow through, tell them you will get someone else. Hire another person if you need to. You are one of the strongest people I know. I can't imagine anyone taking your genrosity and kindness as weakness. Don't stop being your own self - generous and kind, but if you believe that someone is misinterpreting this, show them your tough side right away. They'll get the message.

I'll be thinking about you.

Love,

Kathy

Posted

Kay, that means so much to me, thank you xx

Great example, Marty! It works.

Boo, I'm proud of you...you are open to learning, and you'll do just fine...I'm so glad two of the three turned out to have a good explanation and happy ending! How true that we need to talk to people about our concerns before we conclude anything...I find that to be so, all the time!

Posted

Kay, I have done it! I have been a big girl and told someone that they cannot take advantage of me, TWICE IN TWO DAYS :-)

1. someone was supposed to take van for licensing (remember that saga?) ... well in the end they didn't bother and what really pushed me over my limit was this. He spent the money that I left him to pay for the licence!!!! And has disappeared off to the area where his parents live ... so I was, in my opinion, justifiably fuming, spitting mad!!! He wouldn't answer his cellphone, so I left him a calm voicemail stating that it appears to me that he thinks I am stupid or soft, that he has upset me so much at a time when I am so vulnerable ... when I need to know who my friends are and who I can trust. I have given him until Saturday to retun the money, along with the money he already owes me, and tools of Cliff's that he borrowed without asking permission .... then I couldn't help myself (wicked grin spreading on face as I type) ... I happened to mention that a friend of ours is coming up this weekend (which he is). He has met this person in the past and is very wary of him because he knows how protective of me he is and that he will NOT tolerate what he has done. Naughty, I know but I don't regret it ... there's nothing wrong with backup, esp. if you are female living alone today. What he doesn't know is that I will not tell my friend what's happened because I want to enjoy his company ... and not add a sour taste to the weekend, but ... what he doesn't know, doesn't hurt ME!!! ;-)

2. another friend is helping install new kitchen (Cliff had started it) ... and he also took tree branches, old TV and microwave and some rubble to tip/dump today. Wonderful. Then he kind of spoiled it by saying, "Boo, see these roof tiles here, I could take them to the scrapyard and get £200 which we could split down the middle". I told him that yet another friend is dealing with those for me on Saturday, and he persevered, "but I can do it today ... I could use the money." Then I firmly said, "No, Gxxx is doing that this weekend with Sxxxx. And they are worth a lot more than £200. He is a roofer and knows where to get the best price for them and I trust him ... trust his knowledge." Conversation closed. He's obviously thought about it and moved past it ... happily clanging around plumbing in sink and washing machine as I type :-) (BTW the roof tiles are worth $2000!!!!! I had NO idea ... Cliff just stacked them up on our driveway and I was going to give them to my roofer friend, and he said, "No babe, they're worth at least £1000 ... I'd never forgive myself for accepting them." He won't even take gas/petrol money off me ... so I told him that I wanted him to have Cliff's roofing ladders, and he cried :-)

I feel very proud of myself ... and don't feel angry because I've told them.

Thanks for making me believe that I could Kay. You have always been there for me since I joined in the early days, and you have a calming influence on me. Thank you.

HUGS xxxxx

Posted

Oh Boo, I am so proud of you!!! :rolleyes: I wouldn't even hesitate to file charges against someone who claims to be a friend yet steals from you and tries to take advantage of you. They are not friends!! I, also, greatly rewarded those who were true friends, but have cut off those who proved NOT to be! My life is now somewhat lonely without friends but peaceful. :blush: Actually, I am beginning to make new friends and that is good but I am much more cautious and give it a proving ground before trusting too much. Alone is better than being surrounded by stress/drama/turmoil. And if all else fails, you can do like some of us have done and get a dog...just don't get one like I did, go for under 50 lbs. and hopefully an adult that doesn't chew! :P

You are doing great, showing wisdom, and yes, I understand about your just wanting to enjoy your time with your friend without bringing other stuff into it...but it doesn't hurt for the other guy to not know that. Let's hope fear of repercussions will prompt a conscience in him. ;)

You never know what strength you can have until you're required to use it...and some of us who have been left on our own have felt the waters tested!

Posted

awwwwww boo i am so sorry that the so called human race is having a field day with you!! i never have made friends very easy because of a genuine mistrust in people, denny was the people person :wub: do you remember me now? yes i lost all the information to my account so i just started another one. i am doing better, but still have a big void and i am aware that that void is a forever thing. i can relate to alot of what you're saying because denny's family has picked our house apart, wanting this and wanting that, many things of value... they guilt me into it then i feel so ashamed afterwards and in a sense feel like i've let the love of my life down ouch!! hey i'm hanging on tight to my dirty shirt that i have slept with since he left me here in april. i'm a functionig mourner now... i have to pay the bills and make life as normal as possible for myself. dreams have become my treats when they show up during my rest, i'm able to see my baby and even talk with him! as corny as that sounds i look forward to each night that i lay down because it might be the night that he comes if you have to turn into the wicked witch hun then i say do it to the very best of your ability!!! people do mistake kindness for a weakness, but you can also teach people that enough is enough....i have missed you my friend and i hope that you remember who i am because it has been awhile since we've spoke. when you lay your head on your pillow tonight i hope that cliff can come and visit you and make some of the bad better,,,,,,,,,joanna

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