When Did You Return To Work, Or Did You?

[DeeGee]

I worked part time (20 hours per week) up until two weeks prior to my husband's death. I gave his final care, using Hospice.

My employer is understanding and they have told me I am a valued employee and they want me back. Because I teach at the post-secondary level, which consists of one-month "Modules" rather than "semesters", I am not expected to return to work before Sept. 28th.

Right now, my sleep patterns are so interrupted and I am so fragile and tearful that I would not even consider going back to work in this condition.

I teach. You have to have enthusiasm and be uplifting to your students in order to do an effective job.

It is not the kind of position that you can just "fog your way through" - or at least I don't think it is.

Could some of you please give me some input as to how soon you returned to work after your loss and how it went?

(My Dad, with whom I was very, very close died unexpectedly 7 years ago. I returned to work after two weeks then. I was not good, but was in a job position then that I could kind of "robot" my way through. That is not the case with teaching. Not that there are not teachers who "robot their way through" but I am not one of them.)

My mother, who worked all of her life, says "go back to work right away". But she retired at age 59 and I am 63. My sister, also a widow, who came to stay with me for a week and left two days ago said " Why go back to work at all? You don't need to work any more. Just take it easy, come out to the West Coast and visit me and my daughter(with whom she lives) You can do whatever you want to do now."

Input, please.

Thanks a lot,

Dee

[kath]

Dear DeeGee,

I went back to work less than two weeks after my husband died. My boss let me take the week before off to be with him in the hospital and was very kind, but business must go on. (They kept calling to see when I could come back.) I knew I was in no shape to return, but felt this terrific sense of responsibility to provide for myself and my children. I wasn't sleeping and would cry at the drop of a hat. We had to euthanize our dog a month later and myself and the kids were shaken to the core.

I do office work and can usually handle the job of three people. I was not that same person when I went back. I couldn't focus or remember or plan or think straight. I lost all sense of organization and I couldn't smile, but I tried. I mean, who else was going to look after us? The kids were sick off and on at school so I was always leaving to go get them. It was one of those days when I got a call at home saying I wasn't working up to their expectations and they had to let me go.

After the shock of one more loss settled, I looked at my unemployment as a blessing. It gave me an opportunity to embrace my grief. I read, joined support groups, re-discovered some artistic talents and immersed myself in church. I spent time at the cemetery and time with the kids. I re-learned how to cook without burning it to pieces. And, I found this site. I cried, listened to songs, watched our videos, sorted through clothes, papers and the rest. It took over a year to find another job and by then I was ready. The kids were ready and more opportunities have since presented themselves.

We are all different in how we cope. Only you know what you are capable of doing. I recommend to anyone that is able, to take time to heal. It won't all come at once when you have a free moment, but it is a start. Sometimes, having time to start and regain that momentum is all we need to continue.

Let us know how you are doing,

Kath

[mlg]

Dee

Only you can make that decision. Tom died on a Friday, buried on a Tues and I went back to work the next Mon. I had to. Not for the money but to maintain my sanity. I wasn't sleeping but I had to have something to get me out of this house before they took me away in a straight jacket. For me it was the best thing I did. At least while at work I could focus on someone else. I do not like the all about me. I'm not comfortable with people showering me even though it is nice to have some support.

If you aren't sure, is there a way you can do it for one day for a week or so and then gradually increase. Maybe that will let you know.

I have another friend that I met at grief support who did that and realized it was time to hang up her boots. She has finally found enough things to occupy her time I think.

Good luck with your decision

[DeeGee]

Thank you both for the input. My gut - right now at least - tells me I am going to need more than just Sept. off.

[lostluv]

DeeGee,

I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Me, if I could go hang out with my sister, I would. I have been really struggling with going back to work. Unfortunitly, I have no choice. I am in the process of negotiating a new job right now. I am scared spitless!!! I hate the thought of starting all over with new people in an unfamiliar environment. I can't remember where I put my car keys or cell phone most of the time, how am I going to remember what the heck I am doing at work and will people who don't know me or my situation be understanding or even get it at all. What if all of a sudden I just start crying out of nowhere? "Everyone" tells me how "good" it will be for me to "get out of the house" and "move on with my life". Who knows, maybe it will be. It doesn't really matter if it is "good" for me or not. If I want to keep my house, I have to make some money. I am so tired of all of the stress of dealing with the mortgage company and all of the creditors. I just want to curl up in a hole and go away.

I don't think that there is a right or wrong thing, just what YOU need and what you can realistically do. It sounds like you know what it is that you need, and there is certainly nothing wrong with taking a break if you can do it.

I hope all works out the best that it possibly can.

Lostluv

[JamesI]

Hi Dee:

I agree with everyone, that, it is really up to you, how you feel about going back to work. My mother died on March 20, 2009 and I was allowed 3 days for bereavement and wanted to take 2 weeks off and my job would not allow it.

I worked for Blue Cross and they were not very supportive. I was forced to return to work and at times it seemed to distract me, but, I had alot of moments while at work that I could not focus on my work at all. I was caregiver to my mother along with 2 health care workers that helped out while I was at work.

I was close to my mother and my grief journey has been difficult, but, I am working through it with the help of this forum and a grief counselor and I am also attending a bereavement group.

I tried to get a shorter work week with the help of a doctor note, but, it was not approved. I needed to take days off and I eventually lost my job in July. I am waiting for possible unemployment.

While alot of people say its good to keep busy and they believe that working will help, you need to make the final decision if you are really ready to return to work and you need to decide what kind of work you will be comfortable with.

If you are up to it, maybe it would be good for you to visit with your sister. It certainly is something to consider.

Just keep posting and reading on this forum. There are alot of caring and supportive members. It does help.

Take things slow, 1 day at a time.

Be well.

Take care,

James

[DeeGee]

James: I worked for an insurance company once - Cigna - for a total of three months. And then I quit. Best money I ever made, most unethical people I have ever encountered. Everything looked wonderful on paper but what was actually going on was nothing I wanted to have anything to do with. I was working as a case manager in the short-term disability division. The pressure was awful and the things they directed you to tell people were awful. And NOTHING of these directives was ever to be put in writing. We would have these "huddles" in which we were told to "say this, that and the other to the claimant" and it was so bad that I could not believe there were human beings sitting there listening to this and not reacting. But, oh boy, it was good, good money.

In any case, so much for working for an insurance company. Life is way, way too short.

Kath: I have had the experience of unemployment compensation being a God's blessing after a restructure of a company I worked for and elimination of my job position.

I have also had the experience of going out into the workforce and taking a brand new position in a different field - teaching - at the age of 61. And I had all the worries about whether I could perform, etc. (I was not in deep grief at the time, however, so that is different) But the being afraid of something new surely strikes a cord with me. All you can do is do it. Try it. Either you succeed or you fail.

One part of what I taught was called "Soft Skills". This is teaching students what employers want in an employee. And what the studies show is that employers want employees who 1.) Show up 2.) Show up on time 3.) Get along with other employees 4.) Have needed skills So what we taught our students is that you can have the best skills in the world, but if you can't get along with others you will not have a successful career.

I think I am not going to rush back to work. And thankfully, I don't have to.

[carrieboo]

Hi DeeGee,

I went back to work after a month (around halloween), part-time for about a week, then just about everyday, however it was very difficult to concentrate. My contract was up just before Christmas and I cant' say I got much work done between halloween and Christmas. But it was good to get some normal routine in again, and see some caring co-workers. I went to school at 3.5 months and don't know how but I made it through.

For me, I could have took like a year off, but I knew it wouldn't have done me much good. Getting back into a routine was painful but after a few weeks I felt kind of normal. I do a little teaching with my current job and understand it takes alot of concentration and spirit, so if you don't feel ready then don't feel bad taking more time.

Best of luck,

xo

[Fredzgirl]

I'm a founder/employee of a non-profit company with four other women. We cover for each other when we need to. They have been very supportive of me during this time. I do feel badly that I'm not doing as much as I have in the past. When I have deadlines to meet, I make them. But day to day is hard. I work at home most of the time and that means amid the life I had with Fred. As others have mentioned, focus is difficult. For example, I sat at the computer to get some work done tonight and here I am! The grieving process seems to be a day to day, sometimes minute to minute thing. I'm not sure how I would cope with a regular job. If I had the luxury of early retirement .... I'd do it in a heartbeat! Spending time with my sisters, reading, taking walks ... that sounds like a healing environment to me.

[laurieb]

Dee

Like so many others, this is such a personal thing. You just need to take care of yourself. Scott died on saturday, we buried him on wednesday and I went back to work that monday. I am not and will never be the same but I needed to take care of my family as I hold my children's insurance. I did however, start out part time. When I felt like the walls were coming in on me, I left. It has been 5 months and I am just now able to stay for long periods. I do have the ability to work from home and have even gone in on weekends so not every one has that blessing. No one but you can make that decision for you. If your work is a blessing, than go, if it is too much too soon then postpone your return, if you receive blessings from your job and it is ok, then go. We all know that we can be in a crowd of people and feel lonely so this process is long and tough and we have to be kind to ourselves. This is how I honor my husband, he would want me to be kind to me like he was. God I miss him and love him.

God bless in your decision

laurie

[DeeGee]

I would say there is high reward involved in teaching, in the sense that when you get through to a student and you can see the enthusiasm in them that mastering a tough new subject brings them, it is great. Of course, as always among students there are those who do well and those who don't. As instructors, we are encouraged to "get involved" with our students, we are assigned students to mentor, meaning we must meet privately with each student at least once per week and make written notes of each meeting. The goal of this is to prevent students from dropping out. Because with so many of the underprivileged students, that is their first reaction to when the "going gets tough".

All of the mentoring and hearing of their trials and tribulations in life can be quite draining. This can range from "I don't have enough money to buy food for my kids" to "I couldn't study for the test because my boyfriend beat me up again last evening". So there is quite a bit of "social work" involved along with the preparation for class, the actual lecturing, the preparation of tests, the grading of tests, etc.

I am going to hold off on making any permanent decision for right now. I suspect I am going to need more than the one month time period, but that is how I feel today. Tomorrow will be two weeks since John's death.

I am sure gaining wonderful insight by reading your stories. This is a wonderful site with excellent posters and I am so glad I found it. I was looking at my registration information. I registered two days before his death.

With blessings and the hope for an internal peace for all of us,

Dee

[LarrysGirl]

Dee, first my favorite aunt's name was Dee Gee and I've never known anyone else with that name, love it.

Take your time in this decision. Its important to consider if you can physically handle it and mentally. I think others don't realize how the grief sneaks up on you and drains everything out of you. For me, even though I sell my paintings for a living, I still burned myself out badly. I thought I could carry on life as usual and I needed the money plus I didn't want to think about losing Larry but it took a terrible toll on my health. So please take your time and give yourself a break. Deborah

[kayc]

I went back to work two weeks after George died, except I also came in to do payroll during my time off. I didn't feel up to going back, it was hard to concentrate but I had a very supportive work environment and I couldn't afford to be off.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I returned to work after my mom died... I was on eight days off and on vacation when she died, Because she was admitted to hospital while I was on vacation it took an additional four days to come home.... Than I did not return to work right away it was three weeks later and only told that I had to return by my dad... My boss said if I was off anymore time with this I would be replaced so I did return... But shortly after that about four months later I was off again with the death of my dad and I did not return full time I went to part time and just lasted about a month and a half and quit because there was too much memories there and I could not handle it anymore.... I hope this helps... Shelley

[Mrs. B]

Dee, I went to work a week after the funeral. I had to because sitting home would just have made me insane I work at a daycare as a cook and the kids were my best medicine. I enjoy being with them. It was hard though. As long as I was busy i was ok but as soon as I sat down my thoughts went right to my spouse and then still the tears came. It is now 7 months later and i think i am fine and then something little triggers me. A song. A thought. A smell. I still haven't moved any of his coats boots and shoes. The winter things are in the same spot he left them at. My daughter and I went on a road trip last weekend to where he grew up for a bit. It was so relaxing. She carved his name on a on in memory at a fishing spot he was fond of. It was a bit of closure for us both. We are still seeing a grief counselor which we thought we did not need but it has been good for us both. I could probably retire but I not ready for that. My children have asked me tocome live with them and id love it but i still have things i want to do here plus my friends are awesome. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

[Korina]

Dee:

I have not yet returned to work, almost 3 months into it. I am on maternity leave with a 7 month baby, and am due to return in January. I won't be able to afford to take any more time off, at that time. I do agree with others here, that when you return is a very personal decision, and depends very much on your job, your coworkers, and most importantly, how you personally deal with your grief. Some obviously find it helpful to return to routine, others need time away from the hubub to process everything. I am extremely grateful for the time I have, right now, not only in regards to this awful sorrow, but to have the time with my daughter, who is everything to me (as she was to Scott).

Korina