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Three weeks ago yesterday I lost my husband. He died of a massive brain aneurism. We had been married 12 years. He was 25 years older than myself and I always thought that he would pass first but never in this way. One moment he was sitting in his chair and the next he was dead. This is so much harder than I thought. Telling you about his life and death, is so hard.

I feel like a ghost in this house. I wander from room to room, lost in my own house. I don't know what to do, alone afraid. I start a grief counseling group this afternoon. I am lost.

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Hi Steely,

While I wish you did not have to walk this grief journey with us, I do want you to know that you have found a place where we understand and where we will listen. We all feel lost and are often overwhelmed by our emotions. We are learning that life can only be faced moment by moment. Your body is numb and is in shock. Be gentle with yourself and honor all that you are feeling. Grief takes a toll on us mentally, emotionally, and physically. Some of the best advice I received was to rest, to remember to eat and breathe, and to allow myself to grieve in my own unique way. There are no rights or wrongs.

I also lost my fiancee, Brian, very suddenly almost six weeks ago to an infection which invaded his bloodstream. On a Tuesday morning we thought he was suffering from flu-like symptoms and the next morning he passed away. My life has become chaos and it is hard to know how to be . . . suddenly I don't know who I am. Slowly I walk through the shadows hoping that in time the pain will subside and the happy memories of our life together will come to the forefront.

My friend, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are never alone. Hugs from Pennsylvania.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Steely,

I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place. The people here, unfortunately, are on the same journey that you are on. We totally understand. We will listen anytime you need someone. Everything you are feeling is justified. Let your emotions go if you have to. You have lost your soul mate and best friend. The one thing that I have learned from the wonderful people here who are alittle further along than me (lost my husband 4 months ago) is that you need to take care of yourself. Remember to eat and sleep. The one thing that I do is journal. There I can talk to my husband and let my emotions flow. Helps me alot to just talk to him.

Again, you have come to the right place. We can't take the away the pain but we can help you get through the pain. I have also learned you can't rush it. There will be good days and bad days. Everyone is here for you!

Take care,

Kat

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Steely, writing this to you is painful because it brings back the memories from those very early days. I can remember wandering, lost in my own home, the fear, the panic, the shock ... very clearly. I can remember kissing walls because he had built them, plastered and painted them. I can remember thinking I was losing my sanity on quite a few occasions.

Right now, all you need to try to do is to eat and sleep when you can. Accept help. Accept company. Cry, scream. Please don't let anyone pressurize you into dealing with his clothes or anything, until YOU are ready. There is no timescale for this, and everyone grieves in their own way, so please don't be tempted to compare your journey against others (e.g. I'm not doing that yet and I should be.)

I am so so sorry for your loss (I lost my husband to a stroke in January - 10 months ago now - he too was older than I by 9 years and was/is my world) and wish you did not have to walk this path. But you find yourself here ... and we will hold your hand through this. The people are wonderful.

I just wanted to share some stuff with you (because there are similarities between our circumstances).

What has helped me?

Posting here

blogging

friends and family

talking about it

my work (company has been very good to me) - it is my major anchor

planning stuff to look forward to (trips to visit friends)

Reading 3 books: Companion through the Darkness, A Grace Disguised, A Grief Observed

What has not helped me?

stupid remarks that demeaned what I felt

pushing myself too far, not being patient or kind to myself

people letting me down

What have I learned?

I am stronger than I knew I was, but I am also aware of my limits

Just because he is gone, it doesn't mean the love has gone too

The fifteen years I had with him are worth every second of this pain

Not to fight the tears or emotions, it just makes you more exhausted

Grief is so tiring, unlike anything else

Here are a couple of my recent posts. I only suggest that you read them because I hope that they will give you a little glimmer of hope. I know that it will be incredibly hard for you to sit in the darkness and see the light, especially if the person (me) is a stranger to you ... but we can try.

http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/10/tear-down-those-curtains-and-make-me.html

http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/11/update-on-wind-and-rain.html

http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-felt-happy-yes-really-happy-for-first.html

We are here for you. Please keep posting

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Hi Steely

Your grief is so new and you must be in such shock. I am so impressed that you are already reaching out for help and going to a support group. Like so many have shared with you already, take it SLOW, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel...sad, angry, what ever you feel like. My husband died suddenly of a heart dissection. We thought he was having an allergic reaction to peanuts and meanwhile his heart was slowly ripping apart and shutting down all his organs. I left him in the hospital that night with the doctors all telling me he would be fine only to wake up to an emergency call from the doctors to get there right away. that was the last I spoke to him. I can share that I hear the horror stories of others who have watched their love ones leave them slowly due to cancer and all the pain in that and I am so glad that Scott did not suffer. As much as I wish we could have had time to plan and talk , he knew how much I loved him as I told him every single day and he told me every day. My heart goes out to those that have to slowly watch cancer take their loved ones.... either way they are no longer here with us and now this is our journey to figure out how to live without them. It is not easy but you have all of us... and we all mean that! I can share that I would not be as "ok" (what ever that means) as I am without this forum. I learn so much from reading every one elses' posts.

God Bless

Laurie

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Steely:

I remember during the first few weeks after my husband's death, I couldn't really put my feelings into words. What usually came out was "This SUCKS so bad!!!" It just felt so unbelievable. My husband died after being in the hospital for a week from an infection. He had been transferred there from an inpatient addiction treatment centre. I was so devestated that he was taken from me just when everything was getting better. We were together for 20 years, married for 10, and we had just had our first child 4 and a half months earlier.

I was lucky to have had a lot of support from friends and family. But being alone at night, after our daughter is asleep, is still the loneliest time. This is a terribly difficult journey. I have found that through the wild roller coaster of swiftly changing emotions, I have been able to manage by not forcing myself into doing things unless it felt right. Though sleep was hard to come by, I tried, and was able to get food into my mouth. These were probably the 2 hardest things to do (and I am typically someone who loves to eat....), but you need your strength. And I have just lived day by day, sometimes moment by moment. Now, I find I am able to start thinking, in bits, about regular life stuff like going back to work, taking my daughter to the community centre, attending the occasional social function. But my husband's absence is palpable and with me at all times.

We are all here for you. Checking this forum, especially at night, is one of the things I do to help me get into our empty bed. And, our cats have been of great comfort.

Hugs,

Korina

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My heart aches for all of you and your losses. It is so unfair for them to be taken. I'm trying hard to come up with coherent thoughts and sentences. I have to get help, it hurts so badly and it's going to hurt worse. I never dreamed it would be like this. I don't sleep, I eat when I have to eat, being diabetic. I'm not taking care of myself, it seems so pointless. I don't want to go on without him.

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. I know it must be terribly painful to relive. I do appreciate it more than you can know. Tonight is my first counseling session and I hope with all my heart that it will begin to help me know what to do.

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Steely:

I know it is so hard to take care of yourself. At one point, I didn't care if I lived or died. But I knew that there are people here who still care about me, my daughter needs me, and I promised Scott, while he was on life support, that I would raise her as best as I could. With your diabetes, you know how important it is to take care of the basics, so please, do continue to try and eat. At first, the only way I could sleep (after about a month of not really sleeping) was to fall asleep to the drone of the tv. And sometimes I still do. But it works for me. At some time, perhaps you can find a routine that will help you.

I hope your counselling session goes well. I think it is good you are going - you should never feel self-conscious about asking for help.

Korina

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Steely,

I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. I hope all goes well at your grief counselling session.I am sure lots of tears will flow,but for me it was so helpful to talk to people who understand the pain we feel after the death of our loved one.There are many great people on this site who are helping me on this hard journey.

Take care.

Mary Lou

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Oh Steely,

I love your name and you look like such a sweet gal....What is your husband's name...I say is because you will find that as long as you don't drop "my husband" too soon and "my marriage"...you can live in a little bit of the "back then"...I totally agee with the others, don't think about what to do with his clothes, etc...It definitely is a journey that you will find that we all need eachother...The Boos, Linda, Kat, Laurieb, Korina, and many others...When I open up this webpage, I can be real, sad, post by wailing head off and know I talked with friends today...When I leave this family here...I know that I have company (unfortunately for all of us) but nevertheless, we have one another...Yes, I too know about wandering from room to room and feeling lost...mindless tv...try not to look at photos all around the house and afraid to put them away...kid myself and think he is on a long trip...try not to look at his clothes when I absent mindedly go into his closet for something else...I used to love to eat with him..miss that..you need to take care of yourself...have noise in the house...get a pet...if you have one nuzzle your face in their fur...take walks-long ones...get into nature...I cried when I was driving today all of a sudden I heard this song on the radio and thought of him...I watch Dr. Oz and listen to ways how to take care of myself...Read as much as you can out of the grief book...Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year...I pray that you will have good counseling sessions and learn new stuff to share with all of us...So my Dear Steely...be good to yourself and the Lord will see you thru...that is my main anchor to hold onto...Bless you and keep coming here to talk with us...Rochel

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I went to counseling tonight and it was alright. I felt safe and I could talk about Harold, the pain and sorrow, the loss of my reason for living. He and I made a circle of One. I think this will help me. I seemed to be able to help others as well and that is a good feeling. It's going to hurt for a long time. I am still going to feel pain and grief but I know that between here and my group, I am going to make it. Thank you all for your words of support, your advice, your thoughts and prayers. You will never know how those words kept me sane, when I could've lost my mind.

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Hi Steely,

I'm thankful that you found some solace at the counseling session. I have an appointment with my Pastoral Counselor tomorrow. She's someone I used to see regularly and she knows my entire life. I stopped seeing her after I met Brian but I know that she will be able to help me find some peace.

I guess it is true that we hurt so much because our love was so great. Tonight I realized that I've been telling myself if I'm good enough and I keep going, I will be reunited with Brian. And my mind wasn't really connecting this with heaven. For some reason I was kind of still telling myself that Brian could come back. As I realized this wasn't going to happen, the tears began flow. One of my mantras when I wake up is that if I get through this day I will be one day closer to being back with Brian. Some days I don't know how I can continue to live my life like this. And then there are some days that are slightly better. I've not had a day when I didn't cry or I didn't constantly remember the huge loss that I'm dealing with, but I have been able to smile and even to laugh on occasion.

Some how we will all get through this together. And, I totally understand what you mean when you say that coming to this site keeps you sane. There are definitely moments when I think that nothing will help but then I read the words of encouragement and I am able to face another moment. That's how life is for right now. Keep sharing and we will keep listening. Tell us your memories and your love of Harold. We are here for you and we understand the depth of your loss.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Steely,

I am so glad to hear that you went to counseling tonight. I also go to a group meeting every week. I do find it helps. Give it time. You really need to go at least three or four times before you make up your mind if you are going to continue. There is a book that I found helpful. The title of the book is I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can.

As hard as it might be you have to remember to take care of yourself. I know that you are constantly thinking about Harold because I am constantly thinking about Pat. We will eventually be able to remember without it hurting so much. There are days that I say to myself that I don't want to do this anymore. Then I realize that Pat would not want me to give up. There are too many people here that need me.

Just remember that whenever you need to talk to someone come here and we will listen. I know when I am loosing it I come here and pour my heart out and I know my friends here will help me through this difficut journey.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Take Care,

Kat

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I went to counseling tonight and it was alright. I felt safe and I could talk about Harold, the pain and sorrow, the loss of my reason for living. He and I made a circle of One. I think this will help me. I seemed to be able to help others as well and that is a good feeling. It's going to hurt for a long time. I am still going to feel pain and grief but I know that between here and my group, I am going to make it. Thank you all for your words of support, your advice, your thoughts and prayers. You will never know how those words kept me sane, when I could've lost my mind.

Yes my Dear Steely, we do know...because we have all almost lost our minds...I'm glad you are here...not for the reason we are all here, but you are a sweet person...I filled out and edited my profile...so we will see what happens....Have a good night sleep and sweet dreams....Rochel

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Steely,

You look so young to be going through this, I am very sorry for your loss. Please come here any time you want, it's a good place to be heard. There are a lot of others like yourself, it's better to travel this journey with someone than alone...

My best to you,

Kay

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Thank you, I was 25 years younger than my husband. It didn't matter though, a brain aneurism can get anyone, anytime. I certainly never expected to be a widow at 41. I have really enjoyed this site because everyone is so supportive and kind. I know I'm not alone. Along with my grief counseling group, I think I am going to make it. Not that it doesn't hurt and will for a long time but I'm going to be ok.

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Steely,

I understand your pain in losing your beloved Harold. I lost my wonderful wife and best friend Heidi three weeks ago to IBC-Inflammatory Breast Cancer. This insane form of breast cancer only needed six weeks to take her from me and our sons. I have been experiencing the same emotions that you have described. It is ok to have all these feelings. I still cry whenever I think about the love of my life. This forum has provided me with so much love,support, and inspiration. It still saddends me that so many others are suffering the same pain, but It's a great comfort that they all care and understand these feelings. I wish you comfort, peace and love in your greiving process. Don't apologize to anyone for your emotions.

Bless you,

Stuart

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Stuart,

Your post was the first one I read here and my heart just broke for you. I tried to reply but I was too new. Your grief was so heartbreaking, I couldn't help but ache and cry for you. Of course, it was for myself as well. That anyone should have to bear this pain is too much. Thank you for reaching out to me, I appreciate it more than you can know. My thoughts often come back to you, know that you aren't alone. We are all here and whether you realized it or not, there was a person praying for you to be comforted and have peace.

Be Well,

Amy

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Dear Steely,

My husband died on October 10th while at work. He was 39. He was born in Los Angeles with a hole in his heart and had many surgeries as a child. We met in LA and were married there nine years ago and moved to Massachusetts. We had discovered last year that he had had a small heart attack the year prior. He began going to the gym and following his Physician's instructions. As it happened at work a full autopsy was performed as that is state law in Massachusetts, so I will find out exactly what happened to his fragile heart. He was a robust guy and full of love and laughter. He never complained about feeling ill so this was a complete shock to me. We had so many plans and now I am alone in the house where we lived not knowing what to do and basically in a complete fog. Friends and family all appeared for the wake and funeral and left as quickly as they came. Local friends and family can't console me.

I truly understand your grief and confusion. I can't eat, sleep, or hold a conversation on the phone without going to pieces. This is my first close loss as an adult and it has me shaken to my core. I'm reading books written by widows and seeing a grief counselor, all of my reactions appear to be "normal" which I can't understand any of this as being a normal reaction.

If I can offer you any consolation, it is that there are more of us out here going thru the same horrible loss.

- Linda

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Linda, if I can tell you one thing, find a grief support counseling group. A grief counselor is good but when you sit down with women and men who know your pain it makes all the difference in the world. It is the only way I have held on. I was terrified of doing that myself but you will not believe how much it helps to be with others who understand what this feels like. Honestly, it probably saved my life.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I understand exactly where you are coming from, I feel so lost. It hurts so much. I have no concept of the word "normal". Nothing in my world will ever be "normal" again, whatever "normal" means. Thank you for sharing with me, know that I understand and my heart goes out to you.

Be Well,

Amy

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Hi Amy,

I think I'm going to start going to the grief support group. I plan to attend a grief seminar later this morning on surviving the holidays. I am scared to face Thanksgiving and Christmas without Brian. There is also a group which meets weekly and I think I will start to attend. Thanks for sharing your experience and for the encouragement. Life is so hard right now but we need to find a way to live and to survive.

Peace, love, and blessings to you my friend.

Linda

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Hi Amy,

Thank you for your touching response. I went to a greif class today. The class focused on dealing with the holidays. It was supposed to be from 10:00 am to 12:00 noon. The terrific female chaplin (Monica) who ran the class, wound up staying and talking to me and a young lady who just lost her beloved mom to cancer. I finally left around 3:30 pm. I was so gateful to her for her time and understanding. She made me feel alot better,if only for a brief 5 1/2 hours. When I left she gave me a hug and said, "when there is great love,there is great loss". How true. I wish you a peaceful and pleasant Sunday.

Bless you,

Stuart

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LindaKoz and Stuart, I am glad you are thinking of and going to a grief support group. I can say from my heart that it has helped me. I am looking forward to group tomorrow. I so want the best for you both. It has been the hardest day of my life today. I truly want peace for all of us.

Be Well,

Amy

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