Normal?

[Perkins808]

So I was talking to a friend the other day explaining how I wished I could fast forward over the next 6 months or so. I rattled off how October would have been my husband's and my first wedding anniversary, his birthday. November - Thanksgiving, Jeff's favorite holiday. December - Christmas. January - my 40th birthday, Jeff was going to plan a big party. February - Valentine's Day.

My friends response? Wow, you're going to drive yourself crazy the way you think. You need to not dwell on things.

I completely shut down and was done talking. Have I gotten to the point where nobody wants to hear my thoughts anymore? Have I hit the point (2 months) where I am now supposed to carry on with my grief alone so that I don't make anyone uncomfortable? I actually felt myself getting angry. Was she seriously going to tell me not to think about all the holidays and special occasions that are going to make me miss my husband even more? How could I seriously NOT put any thought into that? He was my world.....I wonder every morning when I get up how I'm going to make it through an ordinary day, never mind a special occasion!

Has anyone else experienced this with friends? Do you feel like you have a time limit attached to how long you can lean on them??

[Jennalee]

I'm so sorry Perkins. My loss is still too fresh (3 weeks) to know where I'll be in another month or so. I do have several family members who have sworn to me that they will hear me out whenever I need to talk about Ajay. I hope you have at least one or two people you can confide in in this manner. I also would LOVE to fast forward through the next six months. Heck, even the next year! I can definitely relate!

[Ron B.]

Perkins - In the first months I could not talk comfortably with other people about my Mom's passing. Now, 10 months on, I can and do talk about my grief with anybody I choose. Here's the difference. In the first three months I would have simply overwhelmed most people with my expressions of emotion. Friends, out of the blue, were just not ready for it. Even my siblings criticized me for being 'too intense'. Now almost a year later, my emotionality is toned down and much more manageable. I can 'read' other people first to see whether they are connecting with me. If they are, I can go on and express myself more fully. If they cue out, eyes glazing over, or giving me a 'not sure' look, I just drop the attempt to communicate seriously, and revert to more commonplace conversation.

It may be a cultural thing, I am not sure, but public displays of emotion sometimes have to be very carefully managed. Many people do not understand at all how to respond to a friend whose eyes are moistening, or tearing over. Sometimes it's our tone of our voice that communicates emotion. You can sense when people start getting uncomfortable with us, and also when there is sympathy for what we are expressing. All you've got to go on is the feedback you are getting from the other person. So testing the water can sometimes be a lot better than jumping in with full emotional expression. You are right that we risk ourselves when we 'emote', because people can and do sometimes give us the 'you've got a problem' response.

It's really their loss when 'friends' can't relate to emotions we express. Maybe they've been party animals most of their adult life, and can't relate to 'feelings'. Maybe no one ever expresses emotion in their family. Maybe they've been taught to actually shun displays of emotion. You'd think common sense would prompt most people to support a friend in emotional distress, but it ain't necessarily so. And when they don't respond appropriately, we feel shock! We wonder what kind of friend they are. Maybe they are not playing with a full deck; they just don't get it and you'd have to explain grief to them. It's even possible they are simply callous, unfeeling, and uncaring. Then anger towards them has its place; you may not want to keep their company in the future.

I do know that when grief is toned down a bit, most people can see it and figure out that they need to express sympathy. In the second month of grief, however, it's hard if not impossible to tone down emotion. Though I'm comfortable expressing grief now, I swallowed most of my grief in those early months. Sometimes we need to shield ourselves and shield others, so as not to be overwhelming and too intense. I think it's extraordinarily sad when we can not grieve with people with think are our friends. Maybe they are only fair-weather friends.

You may need to sort out your 'friends', and figure which of them really are supportive through your grief. At least here in this forum you will be able to pour out any depth of feeling and be readily understood.

Expressing grief does become easier with time. It helps to be gentle with yourself and with others, when you can.

Ron B.

[kayc]

You weren't out of line, your friend was. If this is a friend you want to keep and get through to, I would have a frank talk and explain that when they made that comment (quote them), it was as if they shut you down and invalidated your feelings (not a good communication technique). It was insensitive. I would ask them to stop and think how they would feel about losing their spouse and then going on to experience all the major holidays and events alone without their spouse. If you've been married very long, it changes habit/pattern as well as missing them tremendously. Half the fun in holidays is sharing it with that special someone. You have just been through a major change, to say it's a shock to everything within you is a grave understatement.

[DebiOco]

Just want you to know that it has been about a year and a half since my wonderful husband passed and I still celebrate our anniversary and his birthday by going out to his favorite restaurant with a friend or two. Yes, some think I'm crazy, but it makes me feel good to honor him this way. I plan on doing it always. I am fortunate to have some friends who underatand that I am still greiving, and will never "get over" his death. I am slowly moving forward, but will never forget how special he and our marriage was. The goal is to remember with less pain. That may still take quite some time.

[Cheryl]

I think most people don't know what to do with the pain we share with them and just want us to stop. My mom can't handle any emotions from me. She'll send a nice card or flowers on a holiday or occasion but when she asks how I'm doing and I tell her how crappy things are and how painful it is. She'll ask me if it's hot still in AZ or if I'm planning a vacation soon. I've learned which family and friends to share my pain with and the others I don't talk to much.

[Bobby's Widow]

I'm sorry, I'm new here and don't know how to use this site yet. YES! I have had similar reactions from friends. And it hurts! We need to talk about the loved one we lost, but you get the feeling the person you're talking to is mentally if not physically rolling their eyes when you bring up the subject. Don't they realize how damaged we are? Maybe not if they haven't lost their spouse. I don't know. All I know is that I need to talk about Bobby and how wonderful he was and what great memories I have. I want to share those memories in order to keep them alive at least.

[Queeniemary]

Perkins, you know, some people just don't know how to relate to our pain. They care, and they wish they could help, but they are uncomfortable. They have not walked in our shoes (and don't want to) so many have a hard time with words. I have been blessed with two friends who have recently lost spouses, one is a wonderful gal friend who I have gotten to know very well over the past few years, the other is a close school friend of my brothers. Both were involved in the community theater group I belong to, and that is how we all got so well acquainted, all 6 of us, now we are 3. Dana's husband went first, at age 48 then 5 months later Tom's wife at age 60, then 4 months later my Michael at age 62. Our Theatre Group is still reeling from the loss of so many dear people in such a short time. Two of the Deaths were totally unexpected, however Tom's wife had a long drawn out battle with cancer. Myself and these two friends have formed our own little support group, and get together quite often. We can talk about things with each other that others just don't understand. We are planning a cruise next March, with some other theater friends. We are all three taking our daughters, and I think it will be a good thing for all of us. Going with us are some wonderfully supportive friends. Friends really do mean well, sometimes they just don't know how to relate. Sad but true. Thank God we have this site to come to, where we all understand!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkanas

[Lindakay]

Has anyone else experienced this with friends? Do you feel like you have a time limit attached to how long you can lean on them??

No time limit. Never forget them and they never are gone. My wonderful sister in law who also loved her brother came up my first Xmas. That was 11 mo after it happened. She knew. We had 3 full girlfriend weeks. I had adopted her as a sister a long time ago. I promised him she'd never be alone. We both loved his little sister. Some things sound curt and callous when friends try to advise you of things they know nothing about. My best friend is also an ex sister in law. Was married to my half brother. She lost two siblings to suicide and was a great help. She came up a year after it happened and then for the following xmas. We had so much fun acting like 40 years had not passed. She tried to get me to think about dating. You know online meeting people. Well I talked online to just two out of so many. Changed my mind about both and never met them to date. I wasn't ready.Year later..not ready still. One day I will. Don't burden them on what they haven't been through. Missy lost her brother who was my hubby and Leona lost two siblings. They knew. Yours may not. So talk to us here. We know. Linda Kay

[Deb625]

Someone said (and it may have been on this site) that we'll lose friends through this process. That there will be people who just don't "get it". I had a friend for well over 20 years, our relationship has now ended. It was quite clear that my girlfriend was uncomfortable with my grief, so I didn't burden her. Instead of being understanding, she actually sent me not one, but two emails full of anger that basically said I hadn't been there for her i.e. not calling etc. The general "understanding" from her point of view is I should be over "it" by now and I should just get out there and get a new man. This confirmed she in no way understood how I feel and what I am going through. I wrote her a very nice reply, telling her that my lack of communication had nothing to do with our friendship and how I was feeling and coping with my loss. I did not offer to phone and did not illicit further communication. After my "nice" email, I read those emails from her again and then got angry. I was still angry when she phoned the next day, I basically, very strongly told her I just don't have the strength to help her through my grief and that I would call her when I was "better". I honestly can't see that being any time soon... It is a shame as I had always valued our friendship and I would never have expected this from her - but then I would never have expected that I would feel such pain. This new world we live in, in this group none of us wanted to join, seems to bring out the best and worst in people... I'd like to add that I have been blessed with lots of family and friends that have been, loving and supportive and as understanding/compassionate as they can be (not having lost a spouse). Take care, Deb

[kayc]

I basically, very strongly told her I just don't have the strength to help her through my grief and that I would call her when I was "better".

A very good response! That's one of the best retorts I've seen in the five years I've been on this site! It was very nicely stated.

I can't think of one friend I've kept that I had before George died. It's amazing. However, I did gain a new friend right afterwards and she is still in my life. My family has continued to be there for me. George's family disappeared on me immediately. It's amazing but common to see this. I count myself fortunate that my family is still there in my life because some people's families aren't.

Just remember that some people aren't good copers and aren't good at understanding and others are. Deb, your "friend" may feel YOU should be there for HER and maybe this is the first time that circumstances have really challenged that. If she is all about herself instead of caring about you, well it would naturally show up now...it could be that you may not want her back in your life, but it's good to not totally close the door, you never know, the two of you might somehow work this out later. You are right that you do not have it in you right now to deal with her stuff, you have your plate full and need to concentrate on getting through what you do have to deal with. You are wise to realize that instead of letting her bully you selfishly.

[MZM]

I can totally relate. Im approaching the 2 month mark and I know that my friends dont want to hear my sob stories anymore... I try to keep it to just my family now and my sister has been great. Thing is, for most people, life goes on...for us, it really doesnt. I too cant get through this and dont know how im going to manage his birthday (November), Christmas, New Years, my bday (feb) and valentines:( I am dreading December the most as the four December holidays we were together since we met, we went on holidays:(

[Perkins808]

A very good response! That's one of the best retorts I've seen in the five years I've been on this site! It was very nicely stated.

I can't think of one friend I've kept that I had before George died. It's amazing. However, I did gain a new friend right afterwards and she is still in my life. My family has continued to be there for me. George's family disappeared on me immediately. It's amazing but common to see this. I count myself fortunate that my family is still there in my life because some people's families aren't.

Just remember that some people aren't good copers and aren't good at understanding and others are. Deb, your "friend" may feel YOU should be there for HER and maybe this is the first time that circumstances have really challenged that. If she is all about herself instead of caring about you, well it would naturally show up now...it could be that you may not want her back in your life, but it's good to not totally close the door, you never know, the two of you might somehow work this out later. You are right that you do not have it in you right now to deal with her stuff, you have your plate full and need to concentrate on getting through what you do have to deal with. You are wise to realize that instead of letting her bully you selfishly.

Hi Kayc - I too felt like Jeff's family had disappeared on me....but I came to the realization that for a while, I was a painful reminder that Jeff wasn't here. It was always "Jeff and Tammy", we went everywhere together, we did everything together. Once that lightbult went off in my head I was able to understand how they were going through their own grief. I gave them some time and then slowly started to reach out to them. It's not that they didn't want to be there for me, it's not that they didn't want to see me....it was just too hard for them at first.

Tammy

[kayc]

Tammy, that's very perceptive and understanding of you. The truth is, we will get all kinds of responses from people...some people really do let us down and at some point we may realize they weren't the kind of friend we wanted after all. Others are going through their own grief or not knowing what to say, and with those we need to be patient. The important thing is to give it time and see how it goes.

[melina]

I've found that water is thicker than blood while grieving. I have friends who keep calling and asking if I want to talk about my husband, while my husband's family have basically told me to move on, stop talking about it. Maybe they feel uncomfortable - that it hurts too much to talk about him. My mother, sister and brother have completely disappeared. My brother told me in an e-mail a few weeks ago (I lost my husband about 6 weeks ago), that he couldn't help me anyway, so there was no point in staying in touch for now while I'm being so emotional. I'm baffled by the responses I've received. People I've thought would be there for me - aren't. And people I've never expected to hear from have been surprisingly comforting. Through it all - my four sons, all young adults - have been my best source of support, and I've tried hard to be theirs, but it's hard to know how much you can lean on someone, especially if they're grieving too.

Melina

[Billw]

Hi Melina, my boys are 29 and 30 and are also my best and closest support. I'm glad you have your sons. Mine have been there for me since day one in this deal. They have leaned on me as well. As the mortuary took my wife's body out of the house the night she passed I was standing in the garage crying and upset and my oldest came over to comfort me, I told him "I don't know how I'm going to do this" and he told me "we will do it together" my God what a gift these young men have been to me. I have sat for hours talking to them about the way I feel as well as them sharing their feelings with me, our whole relationship has changed (for the better) our communication has been taken to a whole new level. I was worried about them at first but they seem to be adjusting well, our youngest had me concerned for a bit but seems to be o.k. now I have had some scrapes with the family my mom just does not get it at all, I have one brother that has been very supportive. Some of my friends have probably heard enough I'm sure so they will eventually weed themselves out. These boys are a true testament of what their mom was all about and offer me comfort, they have thanked me for taking care of their mom and them several times, this is another huge dose of gratitude in my life today....Take care BW

[redwind30]

My friends say the same thing to me. They have not lost a spouse and they just don't get it. I am coming up on the 5 month anniversary of losing my husband. Last week was my birthday and it was extremely hard. October will be our Wedding Anniversary; I guess I should say it WOULD have been our anniversary. I dread ThanksGiving, Christmas, his birthday and the list goes on. I don't have any family close by and I know friends are getting tired of hearing about it. Soemtimes I think, my pain is just a reminder to them of what they may have to go through some day. I don't know how I will get through those days, but like everyone else I don't have any other choice. I just wish I had SOMEONE close by that understood my pain.

Take care

[Deb625]

Hi Melina,

I read a grieving book recently that I actually tossed away (I'm not one to throw away books), however this was just horrible unless you had a perfect family, perfect spouse, perfect community support...) it had one line that I thought was "right" (I kept the page) that I thought made sense with regards to family and I quote "Closeness at the end of is more likely to occur when there was closeness at the beginning and at the middle". That statement makes a lot of sense when I look at the dis-connect of Michael's family and makes sense when I look at how much closer I've become to members of my family. Friends, those who have loved and lost seem to have the understanding, though I have many friends who have simply been caring and compassionate without having suffered a "close" loss and then there are the "others" that simply can't comprehend nor relate to the loss at all (can we blame them for not having compassion for something they have never felt?). I must add, I am the "first" to be a widow i.e. I don't have a single member of my family nor friends that has lost a spouse (a good thing) - so no one truly, really gets it - which is why it is so helpful and comforting to belong to this group (though I'd give anything to not have to be here) Take care, Deb

[melina]

Bill,

I suppose I should have said "blood is thicker than water" - since my sons, like yours, have been my real support. They are in every sense of the word, my reason for living. Mine are younger - 19, 22, 24 and 26, and I've worried a lot about the youngest. He lives with me and has trouble, like most teenager boys, talking about his feelings. But I can tell he's been trying to make me feel better, and I have to try to help him through this. I've been worried about the others too, but they seem to be coping. That my sons have become such wonderful people makes me feel a little less guilty in general. We must have done something right together to produce such treasures.

Melina

[Billw]

I don't know how those guys turned out so good, but I'm sure glad they did. I am darn lucky to have them. Its nice that your boys want to help you feel better. I find that we don't all feel bad on the same day so it makes it easier for one to help the others out on the bad days. I have found with our youngest it has been best not to push him for feelings or to talk, he does a lot when he gets ready. He has always been that way though, he is very stubborn and as long as you wait until something is his idea, then he is o.k. with it. I pray every day God will help us through this and you and your boys are included in my thoughts and prayers. Take care...BW

[melina]

Deb,

None of my friends have experienced this kind of loss. I have a couple of friends who are divorced, but they can't understand what I'm going through. It's true, it helps to talk to people who know exactly what this feels like. I suppose you can't know the immense pain unless you've been there yourself.

So this group is really a comfort - you're right.

Melina

[Korina]

There is no time limit for leaning on your friends, though you will come to realize who you can talk to and to what degree. And for the record, I could hardly wait to get through all those firsts too, though on the other hand, I didn't want time to go by fast as this was also that precious first year of life of our daughter. I survived.

Take care,

Korina