Any Positive News?

[melina]

I've just been thinking,after a talk with my grief counselor. Could it be that members of this group are hurting so badly that sometimes we end up dragging each other down? (I probably do this most of all). Since we're all grieving deeply, most of the time we end up sharing our immense pain. It does help to know that others are in the same boat, feeling the same things, that we're not alone. But maybe it would also help to share news of our progress a little more often. It has been a benefit to me when people here have pointed out how far they've come, or that it's normal to take three steps forward, two steps back. It's good for me to hear that people are able to go to work - that means there is hope for me too. I'm afraid that I've been using the group as an outlet for all my pain - and not contributing enough to the healing part.

A while back we all tried to come up with something positive (who was it that posted that?) - maybe that would be a good idea now and then.

My mornings are fairly predictable - I spend the entire morning crying, but feel a little better by afternoon. That's something anyway. That there are periods of the day when life feels almost tolerable. Maybe that's all I can ask for right now, and it's not much, but it's something. That we are kind to ourselves - that's something that helps to think about. That we can't expect to be able to accomplish a lot every day, but at least one thing.

Today I talked with my grief counselor. Now I'll walk the dog and then walk to the grocery store. My car is at the shop for a few days. At least it's not raining and I'm forcing myself outside. That's my day.

Melina

[Lainey]

Good morning Melina,

You are completely right in saying that we need more positives on this site. It was Jennalee that started the post on the positives.Maybe the reason there aren't many of those type of posts could be that when we are feeling better we don't need to come here as often.

For myself,it is close to ten months now, and there are days when I feel great. I can think of Lars and enjoy the memories we made. They make me melancholy now,I still wish we could have more time, but am thankful for the time we had. Other times it feels like I am just beginning the journey again. Today I have a heaviness that will drag me down,and I find I need to post.

My positives are that I am able to cope with this and each day is a bit easier.I am enjoying time with family and a few close friends. I have gone back to the gym (to release pent up energy)and have begun to eat properly again.

We will all get through this journey, stronger, more compassionate, and wiser than we were before.Personally, I have benefitted an awful lot from the things that people have posted.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

Lainey

[Perkins808]

Hi Melina,

I can tell you that these online sites can be like a double edged sword. On one hand it gives us someone to relate to, who knows what we are going to.....but I agree that sometimes it can bring you down even more reading some of the posts when you may already be down.

I know that I have stopped myself a couple of times from posting something positive, only because I feel like I don't want to rub it in people's faces when I am feeling good and they are not.

I still have my days, but after 10 weeks I find myself being able to laugh again. I will share a story that might have people completely appalled (I was at first) but if I didn't find the humor I'd still be crying.

Right after Jeff died I purchased 5 glass heart pendants to hold some of Jeff's ashes, one for me and each of our girls. There was just something about having him close to our hearts that seemed really important.

Well, Sunday I was helping my daughter do laundry. When I went to set down the laundry basket I was carrying my necklace hung forward and I noticed that the glass pendant was gone, but the little screw top clasp was still attached to the chain. I shouted for the girls to drop everything and help me find it. We searched high and low....looked in my car, the front yard, upstairs, everyplace I had been. It suddenly dawned on me that I had been in the basement too, so I ran down there. I looked around everywhere but couldn't find it - then my eyes focused on the dryer. There's no way it could have ended up in there. I opened the door and sure enough, it was sitting right at the bottom underneath a load of jeans.....and the ashes were gone.

I sat down right in front of the dryer and burst out sobbing. I don't know if I was more upset that I wouldn't have the pendant to wear anymore, or if I was more horrified that he had gone through the dryer with the laundry. After crying for a few minutes an image came to me - of Jeff walking up behind me barely able to control his laughter.....telling me "don't cry over spilled ashes"!

I had to laugh. Jeff would have found humor in it....after all, it's not like I did it on purpose, and it's not like I could do anything about it now?!

As traumatic as it was at first, it was a reminder to me (from Jeff maybe?!) not to take life too seriously. Even throughout the 9 months of his battle with cancer Jeff and I found a reason every day to laugh. I look for that now, I try to surround myself with happy positive people.....and on days that I'm alone and I'm looking for a laugh I will turn on something like America's Funniest Home videos. I inevitably feel better after a good belly laugh.

Don't get me wrong, I have my days where laughing is the last thing I want to do - but it feels great to "allow" myself to laugh on the good days!

Tammy

[Lindakay]

Melina,

It's a good idea. I have always been told that I'm an optomist. I believe in positive energy. I don't hold it against people for sharing pain. We all have it. My husband was the pessamist. He wasn't able to see out of his well of despair.

I'm sorry for that.I'm sad but not in that well. I have been changing my home to upgrade it and enjoy it and move forward. Every project I finish I feel like I'm moving forward. It's become Linda's home not Scott and Linda's home.

Sometimes you have five errands to do. I feel positive if I finish 3. I have felt overwhelmed since he died.

For simple little things...maybe it's just that I don't want to do them. I've tried to self analyse why I do this.

I think I do the pain and pleasure to get through. Have to do a chore/pain want to read for a half hour/pleasure. I'm having to balance myself where before I just did the chores and got done. Taxes always have refunds. The last year he was here, he lived one month into 2008. That tax year I put it off till August. It was like finality/hard to deal with.

Nothing is wrong if you make it through another day. LindaKay

[kayc]

It is true that sometimes it can be a bit awkward posting here because you hate dragging people down but by the same token, if you're having a good day and everyone else seems to be having a really hard day, you don't want to seem flip about it either. But it's never out of order to encourage people to focus on what is good. And the fact is, as hard as grief and loss is, we all have something good if we look for it. I've shared the story before about my refrigerator magnet...I got it shortly after George died, and it changed my life..."Find Joy in each new day"...how it made me focus on finding something good about each day, however small, and that focus makes a difference. If you can't find anything great about your life, look for small things that are good, that is often what encompasses our day anyway. Did someone hold a door open for you? Did you get a phone call from a friend or relative checking up on you? Did you see anything pretty...a sunset, a rainbow, a fantastic storm? Do you have any furry little friends that try to brighten your day? Have you spent any time with babies or children? LOOK for it and you will find it.

[Billw]

Thanks for the topic, I can't think of anything more positive than people who are hurting sharing experience, strength, and hope with each other. That is the reason I come here. Luckily we are not all in bad shape on the same days. You have all shared things good and bad that help me on a daily basis. I have also used this forum to vent,cry, and ask for guidance. Tonight I am having dinner with my youngest son, I got together with the oldest on Monday and had a nice visit. Their mom would be so proud of them. I am the luckiest man in the world to have those young men in my life. I guess that is my main positive for today and this week. Thanks again for bringing me back to gratitude today......BW

[Cheryl]

I had a great day working with many people I see only annualy. I didn't break down and sob, I actually laughed, and socialized. Life almost felt normal. A couple people brought up Mark's death and I handeled it with confidence and strength. I told them life is much harder now. I understand more clearly what is important to me. I let them know I was doing my best but the pain was ever present. I felt it was important not to down play the loss or the pain. I didn't feel like people were looking at me with pity today. This evening want to break down and sob, but I have decided that I need a break. I need to hang onto this nearly normal day. I will let the grief seep in tomorrow. I am so grateful that I can control the pain without feeling that I am denying the pain. I am creating a new place where the pain can rest and I can begin to start a new chapter. This is another new first and one that brings me hope for the future.

Happy thought for the future and prayers for those struggling tonight, Cheryl

[nats]

We all need the positive energy on good days and on bad days, some people might not post positive issues for fear they shouldn't be feeling so positive yet, I on the other hand try and find positive energy whenever possible, I'm so blessed to have a new "best friend" in Brenda, and I am blessed to have my health, job and wonderful children, I am living life in a new way now learning to truely enjoy the simple things, God has us on this journey for a reason and we are not to question just be open and receptive to wherever we are lead...I miss Ruth very much but I know she is proud and tells me so in sutle little ways, she would be so sad to see me down and not living life like we both enjoyed....may God guide us all.....

NATS

[melina]

It's good to hear that people have positive experiences too. I agree it's positive to share the pain and grief with others who are going through the same thing, but it's also encouraging to hear about the ways in which they are are coping. I have four children (and a dog) who need me. I have to muddle through this somehow - and it helps to hear that others are managing. I've learned, for example, that making a plan for the weekend is a good idea, that getting out and away from the house clears the head a little.

I imagine that many of those who lost their spouse years ago, and who are living more or less "normal" content lives, would not be in a forum of this sort. The fact that we here means we're struggling. But maybe if we now and then share a good experience, a proof of our strength, a sign that we're moving forward, it would be good for all of us. Often it feels like I'm not going to make it, that this is a hopeless journey, but then I read about others further down the road who are doing okay, and it gives me hope.

For me, the loneliness is the hardest part - and it helps to have someone listen who understands that.

Melina

[Korina]

Kailyn and I have just returned from a great 2 week vacation, split between Scott's family and my family. It was great to see everyone.

Korina

[kayc]

I heard from Jim and although we aren't back together (way too soon for relationship talk while he's grieving and I haven't had time to think about it), we have reestablished our friendship. it was so great to hear from him, he talked non-stop for 3 1/2 hours...and he's not normally a talker.

I had a productive day today, cut a bunch of wood and stacked it and got my house cleaned and took my dogs for a ride in the woods and walked them. Laundry is done, maybe I can relax and enjoy tomorrow!

My birthday is coming up Thursday and my sisters are taking me to the Olive Garden for lunch!

I lost two more pounds...making 16 lbs down, 33 to go. Yay!

[Lainey]

Korina, glad you and your daughter had a great holiday!!

Kayc, great news for you to hear from Jim. Here's wishing you luck. Happy birthday, have a great time at Olive Garden. Wish we had one in my town. Sounds like your whole week was great.

I had a good week also,went to group therapy, learned alot. Today I taught my daughter and youngest g/baby (10) how to make cabbage rolls. Can't go without them for Thanksgiving!

Hope everyone on this site is having a good day.

Lainey

[Queeniemary]

I agree it is good to hear positive experiences. I had a good long talk with my daughter today about some things she has been stressing over. It was good for both of us. Also I am cooking white beans, one of my favs....this is real positive for me, as I hardly ever cook anymore! Lainey, your cabbage rolls make me hungry. Kayc, went to Olive Garden last night with friends....never ending pasta bowl...great. Hope you have a good birthday.

Enjoyed reading all the positives, uplifted me a little, and gives hope to us all.

Thanks all

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[sunstreet]

Melina, I want to encourage you to let go of the belief that you "drag" us down. I believe grief just ebbs and flows as the tide. I can assure you and everyone that I as Billw can think of nothing more positive than a group of people who are hurting, feel the fear and find the courage to share their journey's, the despairing parts, the joyous parts, for a common goal, to move through this journey and transform our pain into possibilities.

My spirit has been nourished and lifted with each and everyone's posts, including mine. Something positive I would like to share is that I am finding joy again in my painting.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[HisEvelyn]

My positive: Our last week together was one of the best weeks we probably ever had. It was extremely intimate. Almost fortelling. When ever I'm feeling as if it maybe overwhelming me or that I'm losing Faith, I try to remember that our last week was a gift from God. I want to believe that that is the truth. So it is.

[Kat2005]

I think we all need to hear the positives. I know it helps me. I have had a few difficult days lately and hearing the positives of others makes me look for the positives in my life. Sometimes we dwell on all the pain and we forget to look for the good in our lives. I am so guilty of that. My son is my world and I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful young man in my life. My new little dog also puts a smile on my face everyday.

I feel blessed to have everyone here in my life.

Take care, Kat

[Chrissie]

I have been wanting to lose weight forever and I'm finally doing it! When Tim died I knew I had to take better care of myself or our kids and grandkids would lose me too. As Tim's caregiver he was my first concern and I just let myself go. About 5 months after he passed I joined Weight Watchers and at my last weigh in I've lost 51.2 pounds. It hasn't been easy, I'm an eater when I get depressed, but with the help of my family and friends and the love I can feel from Tim, I've managed to stick to it. My grief counselor tells me it's good for me because I set myself goals. I think this is such a good idea to post positive things in our lifes, it lets us feel good during this difficult time. Thank you for the great idea!!!

Chris

[Marion Claire]

My youngest brother called me on Sunday just as I was leaving one grand daughters. He said "You sound happy today! You never sound happy when I call." He has called every week to check on me and in 5 months this was the first time he said I sounded happy.. Had spend the day with 3 daughters, 3 grand daughters, and 6 of the great-grandkids. Guess I was smiling and laughing more than I have ever in the past 5 months. He said he was so glad he called that day cause it made him feel so good to hear me with a cheerful, happy tone in my voice..

[kayc]

I have some very positive news tonight! A few months ago I had a sister dying of lung disease, sent home from the hospital to die, and another sister in a hospital in Ireland...when she got back to the states they told her she has a hole in her heart and would need open heart surgery.

My one sister has been on oxygen and has not gotten any worse. The other one they put on Beta Blockers and it's helping her Ventricle work better and they said they'll check her every year but at this time they are not going to do surgery, the hole is smaller than they'd thought.

Thursday is my birthday and we're all getting together...not too long ago I didn't think we'd all be in one place at one time...this is my greatest prayer answered.

[Kat2005]

kayc,

I am so happy for you. What a great birthday present. I am so glad you will all be together.

Take care, Kat

[Daughter2010]

I am very happy for you Kay, what a beautiful answer to that prayer!

Enjoy your day!

-L

[Chrissie]

Kay,

Have a wonderful birthday and a beautiful day with your sisters!!!

Chris

[Queeniemary]

Well, I have a new positive to report. I entertained for the first time in 9 months last night. It was a casual cookout for about 10 friends, and as I cleaned house yesterday morning, I started feeling like I wished I had not planned it. In the afternoon, with all the work done, and waiting to start cooking, I was dreading the evening. By the time the evening was over, I was so glad that I had not cancelled it. Had a good time with great friends, all who knew and loved Michael also. One of my friends was here who has also lost a spouse, and it was a comfortable evening for everyone. Lots of good food (everyone brought things) good conversation, good evening. It was a step forward for me, a big step. I can ejoy things in life still, it is different than when Michael was alive, I will always miss him so much, but I can appreciate life.

A side note, another special event this past weekend. My oldest granddaughter was crowned homecoming queen at the Homecoming Football game, she is a senior this year, and that is such a special honor for her. She seems to lack self confidence, and I know this has to be a big boost to her. I am so proud of her.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas