Ambushed And In Great Pain

[mfh]

I, like all of you, get ambushed frequently....seeing something that reminds me of a happy memory and end up in tears...or feelings that just sweep in from nowhere and I end up in tears. The waves of grief. But today I was carried out to sea...by them.

A former client of Bill's called today. She and her husband saw Bill in therapy for a long time. They adored him, respected him, were grateful to him and feel even today many years later that he was a gift to them, and actually traveled 200 miles round trip to see him on a weekly basis. I worked with her a bit also in individual treatment. In the call she talked about how Bill's and my connection was so obvious, how brilliant and kind and caring and sensitive Bill was. She was shocked that Bill had died and said she and her husband sat and sobbed when they learned about his death. It all reminded me of how few people here in my town ever really knew Bill because when we moved here (after a 2 year motor home trip) Bill was starting to have trouble finding words and was very quiet when we were out with people. So basically no one here ever really saw the man I married so many years ago. It just left me so so aware of how wonderful he was, of how much I miss him, of how I alone I feel, and so so much more. The call came at noon and it is now 6 hours later and I have not stopped sobbing. One of the worse days I have had since Bill died 15 months ago today. It has knocked me down. For all the friends I have no one will understand this like this group. Bill and I were like one being...interdependent...I hate the words soul mate but it fits here like nothing else. Today, it all hit again....so so hard. I go through my list of friends to call and none of them will get it as much as they want to and as hard as they try. I know any one of them will listen but I know when I hang up that I will just feel more emptiness. My family (sister and brother) don't get it, have no clue what to do with me, and they knew Bill all those years. One of those days where I want to run away and hide...forever. Thanks for listening. Mary

[MartyT]

Dear, sweet Mary ~ I'm so sorry I know that I speak for all of us when I say that we are holding you tight this minute, and I hope you can feel our arms around you . . . ♥

[kayc]

Oh Mary, I am so sorry. People really don't get it unless they've been through it. They don't know emotionally or even the everyday factors of life.

Since I've fallen and hurt myself twice last week, I hear people say "oh I know how you're feeling." No they don't, they still have someone that cares and helps them when they're hurt. I'm alone. I have no one to pull up my pants when I go to the bathroom, no one to fix me dinner or walk the dog when I can't, I'm alone. I have no one to buy me a card or let me lean on them when I'm down. There is no "other pay check" coming in. There is no spouse to pick up my Rx, so they can't know what it's like to be completely alone when you fall and hurt yourself because they still have their husband to help them and care. Not the same.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Mary,

I am so sorry to hear of all the tears and torment you have had to endure today. I am here for you. I understand the bond you and Bill had. Pauline were the same way. It makes it so much more painful to go through this time. I know I was there about 2 weeks ago. No one but you and I can understand the great loss of our loved ones. They did not see the day to day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, the true one of a kind LOVE you had in your life. What we both had was a true gift from God. Take a walk it will help. I wish I could say more to you, but you know better than I what works for you. You have helped me so many times. I am here for you I hold your hand and tell you everything will pass just like they have done before. I hold you close to my heart. I feel your pain. We are all here for you anytime. Cry on my shoulder, I am strong enough to take you pain and tears.

Mary you have made me stronger, just like everyone else here on HOV.

Your Friend, My God bless you tonight and bring a calm to you

Dwayne

[just one more hug]

Mary...I also was ambushed today...felt so smug cause I felt so good yesterday...posting and trying to give support to others here...then...wham... the crying won't stop. Just out of the blue started seeing Bill in all the horrible situations he endured and I just crumbled....trying now to get those pictures out of my head....Why this happens????..don't know..but it hurts so much. And yes...I can say I know how you feel.......Sending a hug and will include you in my prayers tonight. Carol

[Anne E]

Mary, Bless you heart. Thank you for thinking of us when you need someone to talk to. We all know that we really can't make it better, but we can listen and sympathize. Hope you can get your feet back under you again and keep on marching. God Bless

Anne

[mfh]

Thank you...all of you. Marty, I do feel arms around me. I knew I could count on this group...I thank all of you. Carol and Kay, I am so sorry for your continued pain. Carol, i know that feeling...pretty good on one day and wham...hit the bottom. Dwayne and Anne thank you for reaching out also. Yes, Dwayne, I know that you know. We are all hurting.

I emailed a friend, out of state, who knew Bill well and who I have been friends with for 40 years (I am old). She really loved Bill and admired him. She called and listened for a while. She also lost her husband a long time ago (who Bill and I loved) so she knows what I am going through. She has remarried so is not alone now but has not forgotten what it feels like to lose that special person. It helped to talk with her and to read your posts.

I have no interest in having another partner so I tend to look ahead and see years of aloneness but the reality is I am only lonely for Bill. I am not lonely with all the friends I have but no one can take that ONE person's place...as you said so well...the one who has you first in his life, who is there for everything...everything single thing. But today, Bill just came alive to me with all his gifts because of what this person said....no one has said those things to me for a long long time because they did not really know him. It just made the loss so huge and real. Thank you. I have pretty much stopped the wailing. I have not wailed for a long time...your love and support all helped.

Peace to all of us, Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Mary, It is so good to come here and get the support that we all need. Never say never about love. I feel the same I can't see me with anyone else, Pauline holds my heart and I know it would be hard to let someone else in. I don't know maybe in time. I hope today you find more peace in your heart and soul.

Dwayne

[ksbeachbum]

Hugs to you Mary. I agree with you, I am still fairly young, 54, but have no desire to find another partner to spend my remaining years with. It would be difficult to settle after havng the BEST. I wonder so much if my life is just this; existing or if it will become more meaningful alone. And what do we do with this lonliness until we find our purpose? I am trying to keep busy and am doing some volunteering but it is only a temporary fix. Still feel pain and lonely. I was so excited last weekend to go to K.C. to spend a weekend with my neice and her two boys and shop for a dress for my son's wedding next month. I had a good time and enjoyed them, but as soon as I am there, I am wanting to be back home in my little lonely world and why? I think many times I try to run away from the pain and lonliness, only to find it follows me everywhere no matter where I am or who I am with. I am tried of the pain and lonliness and don't know how to rid my self of it. I am only 2 months into this grief, and I don't see how so many of you long termers can continue. I know time heals and it will get better but that sure doesn't help right now. Just feeling low today. Thanks for listening.

Becky

[mfh]

Thank you, Dwayne,

I woke up without tears this morning so hopefully today will be easier though I know at some point today I will cry...I always do. It is ok. Yesterday was just huge though and jarred me to my soul.

I also woke up without physical pain for the first time since last October. I fell then and broke two fingers and did something to my shoulder. I have been in and out of physical therapy for months but in constant pain around the clock using Tylenol time release which helped some sometimes. Yesterday after PT I went to the chiropractor...my gut led me there. She is always good when my back goes out. She did something to my shoulder and today I am all but pain free. I am sure it won't last but it means that with continued treatment with the PT and DC I will see days free of physical pain eventually and that this is not torn cuffs but that the muscles and tendons and bones are not working well together. She did some magic yesterday.

The emotional pain is enough to deal with. As for remarriage, I certainly support those who find love again. I have no interest. I have been blessed with the best. No one could hold a candle to him. He was rare...many people have told me that. At 71 I will put my energy, if it returns, somewhere else...probably helping those in grief. Thanks for your post. And thank you, Nicholas, for yours. Thanks to all who came to the rescue yesterday. I was beside myself. I know there will be more days like that ahead and that I have a place to come to.

Mary

[nats]

Hello Mary, Dwayne and Becky,

I have a few thoughts on your comments....

"no desire to find another partner to spend my remaining years with"

"I feel the same I can't see me with anyone else"

"I have no interest in having another partner so I tend to look ahead and see years of aloneness"

I like all of you had the same feelings, thoughts and visions, and spoke those same words during several conversations with

family, friends and associates, we all handle our loss different as we know but having those those thoughts and feelings really brought me down, it wasn't until after I spoke with Ruth's best friend Shea one day I stopped thinking that way, as she just brought to my attention how much Ruth would have been so sad and upset with me having such dead end thoughts after being such a positive, taking the bull by horn type of person I learned to be with Ruth....so I told her I would not think like that anymore because she was so right, Ruth and I even spoke of this exact topic on several occasions, I even told her I could not see me loving anyone or finding anyone that would accept me and love me like she did/does or even close....the actual thought made me sick and the many nights Ruth and I lay in bed with her head on my shoulder and my arm around her, I knew one day she would not be laying there anymore and cry myself to sleep silently so she didn't know, GOD I MIss Those Nights, but as many of you know I have been taken by surprise and found another special person her name is Brenda, now on occasion she lays her head in the exact same place....for me I was not looking for anyone it just happened, I feel God brought us together to keep us from the loneliness, we started with a simple dinner at Bob Evans as I was a basket case not leaving the house, not eating and had pretty much given up on everything, this went on for several months as it did we developed a strong friendship, see Brenda had lost her husband a year prior, she also was not seeking anyone as her and Glenn had been together for over 25 years, but as time passed we grew closer then out of the wild blue one night she had been over just talking and visiting after dinner when she went to leave I walked her out, as she was getting into her car I had an uncontrollable desire to kiss her...not sure why I just did..???..when I did she looked up at me and said how does it feel to know your still loved???...at that point I just said what and she repeated those words, I responded by it feels wonderful then she left.

This happened on a Saturday night and we spoke nothing of it until Monday during our normal trip to Bob Evans for dinner, during that dinner we both seemed puzzled, shocked, scared, and like 2 teenagers being shy...we proceeded to discuss what was happening both very clear on the fact we did not want to be compared nor would we hurt each other and risk the wonderful friendship we had developed, both in agreement we have continued our journey into uncharted waters of a new relationship, both very open and receptive to the fact we are still both grieving our spouses but we have found our own unique type of bond that is special only to us, totally separate from our previous relationships...we have had a brief period of stop and evaluate things back in April as I had moved and was feeling pretty unhappy and ungrateful which did effect our relationship but I/we have adjusted, re-evaluated things and we indeed plan on continuing our journey, after all we are in our mid 50's we have both endured intense sorrow and grief with the loss of our spouses and we intend on being happy with the remaining time we have left here, our grief continues but with support from the other, and we have indeed been blessed with this bond that we have found..... so I would say to you all keep an open mind, and don't say never because never ever happens.....while our spouses will always be forever in our heart, the loss of mine has opened a hole in mine I'm willing to let someone else into so I may share all the wonderful things the good Lord has blessed me/us with... the ability to love, care, share, comfort and have feelings for someone, the birds singing, sunsets on the beach, the trials of life, the beauty of a grandchild laughing.... God did not intend for us to be alone.....may you all find the peace comfort and happiness you deserve as well, how ever and whenever it may come....

May God Bless us All

NATS

[mfh]

Dear NATS

Thanks for your post. I am happy that you have found someone and that you share life with her again. I also just need to say that I am really really clear about what I want and do not want...and it is guaranteed that I will not be sharing life with another partner. I plan to use my energies in other ways until Bill and I are together again. As I said, I am not at all opposed to the idea for others but this is my plan. I appreciate your energy in putting forth the idea of never knowing what life has in store for us but believe me....I shall not change my mind. I could go on and on about reasons but the bottom line is...Bill and I are together forever...even though he is now not in this plane. I had the very best, a unique and incredibly deep relationship that people rarely share (and I am not inferring that no one else had that either...we all love our spouses/partners/loved ones) but rather than try to explain in detail my choice...I will just say that it is what it is.I do thank you for sharing your story...and I do wish you the best and I am very happy for you and others who choose differently than I am, believe me. Peace, Mary

[ksbeachbum]

NATS:

I am happy that you found Brenda and you have a new relationship, but I too have no intention of filling my life with another that is not my Randy. I'm not opposed to anyone finding happiness with another person or in a new relationship, but I know me and I know that is not the answer for me. I will surround myself with family and friends, volunteer work and my dogs until my meaningful purpose is identified. I have many friends that will fill that void, if possible. Best of luck to you and Brenda.

Becky

[Dwaynecg]

Becky,

Like you I am happy for Nats, I agree I can not see myself with any one but Pauline. But you never know what God has planned for you. I have said it before God brought Pauline together in Kansas. Neither one of us was from there. God made the rain that day and my friend who rode to work and back with me. Asked to stop on that small Pop's Place in Chapman. That was just a turn in the road for us going back to Abilene. Then there she was Pauline. So you never know. I can not see my self with anyone else.

Mary, I hope and pray today is a better day for you. I prayed for you last night and this morning. Take care we are all here for you

Dwayne

[dave s]

Yes I sure understand the ambush........worst pain I have ever felt.......hope you are having a much better day, feeling physically better after the Chiropractic visit surely helps the mind.Today I am having a nice day...will enjoy while I can knowing I have alot to prepare for on Mikes bday thurs......Funny the topic of other realtionships came up on this site as Mikes family is pushing me to date......guess it is a compliment to me that they love me so, that they dont want me to be lonely......time will tell when I am ready to entertain that thought again.....thinking of you, Dave

[mfh]

Thank you for your support. You are all so helpful and warm. Today was better. Tonight I was sitting here starting to sink again. The phone rang and a friend who just lost her father asked if she could stop by for a while....we can talk. So grateful and hope someday I can give back. Not much in there to give right now. Peaceful evening to all, Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Mary,

I am glad today was better, and it does feel good to help some in need. Even If your tank is almost empty, knowing you, you done just fine. You always have done so on here.

God Bless

Dwayne

[melina]

Mary,

Didn't see this before this morning. I hope you're feeling a little better today. It's exhausting the way things just suddenly ambush you and leave you flooded with pain and tears. I wonder if that will ever completely stop.

Melina

[mfh]

Melina, I suspect that I will get ambushed forever but am counting on them not carrying me out to sea like they did this week. It takes so little right now because I (we) are so vulnerable, exhausted and sad. I look forward to the day when I get ambushed and it just washes past me gently....I cherish that for all of us. Mary

[melina]

I was looking for a post I could reply to, so I didn't have to start a new thread. And I found Mary's.

My problem isn't new. I feel like this title right now. All of a sudden it came over me - he's gone. I'm alone, and I may always be alone! Being alone wasn't a huge problem for me yesterday, or even this morning - it just hit me a couple of hours ago and I've been crying ever since. How am I going to get through the next 20 or 30 or even 40 years? I can't handle it. How could I be so calm this morning and freaking out tonight?

And what started all this? Believe it or not, I think it was the slugs in the yard. In the summer we get these forest slugs that devour everything in sight. I've tried all kinds of things to get rid of them, but they keep coming back - like an army. I've been planting bushes and flowers to make life a little nicer here at home - but now they've eaten everything but the rhododendrons. I guess they don't like them. I'm not even allowed to have flowers.

This sounds crazy, I know, but because of the slugs, I started looking on the internet for another place to live. Then I saw how expensive houses were and sat here thinking that if my husband had been here, he'd be looking with me. Or probably laughing - but I'd get him to look with me. And we'd be able to afford to move. But now I'm stuck here with these slugs. This isn't a house that will be a big hit on the market, even if I don't mention the slugs.

This is insane, isn't it. But I feel trapped, and that led me to start thinking about the future. And I realized - I may be as alone in the future as I am now. I can't stand the thought. I've handled nearly a year. I may be able to handle a second year - but a third, fourth, fifth - 30th? I just don't want to be here on this planet any more - but I have to. I'm trapped. I'm really feeling horrible right now and there's no one to talk to.

Melina

[mfh]

Oh, Melina....I know that feeling too well. Out of the blue some stupid thing totally changes the day and brings up all the pain, the fear, and loss and starts with a stupid slug. I had one that started with an RV passing the house (Bill and I RVd for 2 years). I frequently, too often, look down that long lonely road and wonder how I will survive alone...I mean emotionally survive. 20 years feels like an eternity. The thought roams in and out of my mind often. I feel like I am biding my time most of the time...waiting to join Bill and feel whole again. Of course i have no answers for you but I do embrace you in your pain. I am listening and I do understand. No one can take their places and the hole seems to get bigger as days pass...not smaller.

I do try not to look too far ahead but in reality we have to plan life somehow just to survive. We moved 10 months before Bill died (so he would have a nice place to walk) and i know now that I probably will not get a loan again though I do not want to move if I can afford to stay. All this comes up and no one who has not been there gets it. All the issues that we face.

I wish I had answers but I welcome your posts or emails if you want to "talk". The holiday weekend sent me reeling..made it through but today was the predicted fall out. Do post more and share your pain or email me if you wish. None of what you said sounds crazy. It is the grief train rolling down the tracks. I know what you mean about fearing being alone for 30 years. I look at 20 or close to 30 also. Desolate. Sometimes thinking about Bill's presence helps.

Mary

[melina]

Thank you, Mary, it helps to have someone there who gets it. I'm trying to calm down - it's two in the morning over here and I really should sleep. I keep doing that "stay in the moment" mantra - trying not to think too far ahead. But suddenly it just slaps me to the ground.

Thanks for being there for me when I needed it. Hope your day or evening is a little better...

Melina

[HAP]

Dear Melina,

I've been elsewhere for a week and a half. Not quite your Canada trip, but it got me out of the house. I understand your slugs and how just one innocent--or not so innocent thing can set things in negative motion. Yesterday, it was seeing a groundhog head into my fenceless garden. I have to build a new fence--and sooner than I want--or maybe can--given that my back has gone out all at once. And there are other things that need doing. I felt overwhelmed. And this morning on my walk I encountered a couple about my age out doing yard work together as Jane and I would have been doing to day, if...

But just as i was ready to crash i got hit in the leg by the water from a sprinkler. It felt good in the heat of the morning--we hit 90F today. So i looked up to see where the water was coming from. this poor woman was all apologetic. But i laughed and said it would have been better if it had come up a little higher. She laughed and I laughed and it lightened the day a bit.

I don't know about your slugs, but diatumacious (I have no idea how to spell it) earth spread on the ground does a very nice job on slugs on this side of the pond. See if you can find some. It might take out your critters the way it does the ones here.

As for my ground hog, I may have to introduce him to some coyote pee.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Melina, I know about trying to live in the moment or at least not looking ahead too far and then it all falls apart...again and we get up and start over and then it falls apart and then we get up and start over. On and on it goes. I sometimes sit here and wonder what ten years from now will look like. I will then be 81 years old...feels very old...and wonder what the years between now and then will look like. Then I wake up and remind myself not to go there unless I am planning how I want to spend that time...and since I have no clue about the answer to that question...I know I just have to get back to NOW. On and on it all goes. It feels so good that the folks here understand so much of what I struggle with. As kind as my friends are...none are or have gone through this. Some have lost husbands they were not really too close to...average relationship I suspect. But people here are struggling because we lost someone we were very very close to. It is all a mystery to me and I am still shocked that I am even in this place.

Peace,

Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Melina,

We all have gone through the very same thing. Not to long ago I was doing ok and then just something on the TV brought me crashing down. I reach out to this place. I would be lost without all the support that we all get here from each other. Mary is so right, I find the people on here are the one that had the deepest connection to the one they lost. I am very greatful that Harry told me about this support group. I really have no one around me who really gets what the pain I am in is like. Only my friends Greg and Donna understand because she was Pauline's best friend and Pauline talked about our TRUE LOVE we have for each other. When Donna found Greg after her bad marriage that Pauline told her many time to get rid of her former loose. Donna told Pauline she found her Dwayne. Donna also told Pauline and I the greatest gift she got was seeing what a TRUE LOVING marriage was. We set the example. I find it so hard without Pauline, I do not know if I will ever find someone else. I leave that in Gods hands. He brought me to Pauline, so I leave it up to him.

God Bless

Dwayne

The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Live, can not be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller