terp8r Posted July 24, 2011 Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 I lost my husband of 34 years on July 4th, 2011. It was totally unexpected, three days after he had a blood clot in his leg and was administered a heparin drip and suffered a massive brain bleed. I was 18 and he was 21 when we married. We have 2 sons, our oldest has CP and is profoundly Deaf, our youngest is married and our first grandson will be born August 5th. We were so looking forward to this grandbaby and it breaks my heart that Harv will not be here to meet him. My story is no different or sadder than any of yours and I have cried along with all of you while reading your stories. I miss him so much and still cannot believe it's real. I'm having a hard time blocking out the memory of him being in so much pain before he was medflighted to a bigger hospital. That was the last time he was conscious, but he was in such pain. I'm just having such a hard time imagining my life without him in it. Thank you all for sharing your lives and peace to all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 24, 2011 Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 Welcome to our forum...a place none of us wanted to join but which has offered so much support and help for me over the past 15 months. Bill and i were together 36 years. He and I were one in so many ways and I still wonder how life will be without him as I walk this path. I want you to know you are not alone. We all get it here. No one judges and we listen to whatever you wish to share. We know the pain of losing our spouse/partner and we will be here for you. You are so raw right now....just a few days away from your shocking loss. KNow that we are here for you sending you support and hugs. Peace, mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted July 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 Thank you Mary, I have close family and friends, but when I'm feeling down, I cannot bring myself to call anyone. I keep thinking, what if they're having a good time and I bring them down? I also lost my dad on June 13th of this year and Harv held me many times as I cried. But, now I forget about dad being gone as the pain of losing Harv is all-consuming. I never thought my mom and I would become widows within three weeks of each other. Peace, Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted July 24, 2011 Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 Pam, soo sorry about your losses and the tough summer you are having to endure...as Mary has said you have joined a group that none of us asked to join, but really does offer hope, support, advice on living with our terrible losses. tomorrow marks the 11th week since I have lost Mike. I am still very raw in this process...still trying to sort out all my emotions but still find wonderfull support and encouragement here. Thinking of you...Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted July 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 Dave, I'm so sorry for your loss and I thank you for your compassion. It does help to know there are others who understand my pain. I keep remembering everything I told my mom when she asked, "how do I go on?" I would say one step at a time, one day at a time. I should have said one minute at a time, because that's really how it is. Peace to all, Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 Pam I'm so very sorry that you have lost the one that made your life shine. My husband also died suddenly so I know the all consuming shock and disbelief as you struggle to even accept that this nightmare can be real. I won't lie to you and say that everything will be OK - it's a long and hard road with so very many sad and empty days and endless, difficult nights. But you will get through it somehow - and you have to hold on to that thought. I found it important to accept the wishes of people for what they were - well meaning attempts to help. Some will be wonderfully supportive words and actions. Others will be trite, ignorant or even worse, very hurtful. I tried to preserve relationships by holding my tongue in the latter case, and it's hard because you are raw and not yourself.What we all come to know is that you can never understand the depth of the pain and disorientation until you have been there yourself. Just do whatever feels right for you and seek out people that are comfortable with your emotions - they will be the ones who can help you the most. It will be 2 years in July since my husband died and I am just starting now to see that I can go on in some fashion without him... My best wishes to you and I hope that you find some comfort for short times with family and friends...Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 Pam I'm sorry you lost your husband just three weeks ago tomorrow. I remember three weeks, I think I was still in shock/disbelief. The one thing that saved me was this site, so I want to welcome you to it. You're about to make some friends here, it helps to know there are others who understand what you're going through. Don't worry about bringing anyone down, right now this is about you and meeting your needs, so call friends if you feel the need and let them be there for you. They may not know what to say but they can listen. If they offer to help, let them, we can all use it and it channels their desire to help you in constructive ways (change oil, move refrigerator, etc.) Just remember, one day at a time, try not to worry about "the rest of your life", stick to today, it's enough to handle for now. Hugs Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted July 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 Not doin too good right now, just got thru feeding horses, chickens and watering the trees he bought me for my birthday and our anniversary. I don't know how my heart can hurt so much and continue to beat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 Pam, The pain of grief is nothing like anything else and we all understand it's depth and harshness. I hope today is a bit easier. Hang in there and remember that sometimes we have to take things minute by minute. Try to rest as often as you can allow yourself. I'm so sorry your husband died. cheryl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcplum Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Pam, my deepest condolence on your loss. Given the fact that your loss is so very recent, you are very much in our thoughts and prayers. You are beginning a chapter in your life that at times will feel impossible to cope with. You can do it. I lost my father two months prior to the passing of my wife, so I felt particularly drawn to your post. As much as I admired and loved my Dad, his passing did not have the same impact on me as did the loss of my dear wife. I wish you courage and peace for the comming days. Marc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Pam, I so understand the pain...how can our hearts continue to beat when they have been so broken. We just keep going on...minute to minute sometimes. We are all with you. I have had many bad days recently...I guess forever...but recently it has come back like a tsunami. You are not alone. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted July 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Thank you all so much for your words, mine and my husband's first grandson was born early this morning. I just wish so much that Harv was here to meet him. I'm so blessed to have this precious baby in my life, but all I feel is so sad. I am trying not to show it, but it keeps slapping me upside the head. This feels like it will be a long night. I wish you all a peaceful night. Love, Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted July 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 And if I hear one more person say, "Harv is in heaven smiling down on his grandbaby." I may scream. I know they mean well, but HE SHOULD BE HERE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Dear Pam, Congratulations on the new grand baby. I know it is a bittersweet experience for you...understandably. People do say things that make no sense. They just do not know what to do with us but that does not make it easier to deal with. I had someone tell me stupid stuff today but her heart was in the right place. I have to keep knocking myself on my head to remember that thought. I hope you sleep a bit tonight. Not being able to share the joy of this event with the most important person in your life is so painful. I am just so sorry. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted July 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Mary, I hear you and I can tell you are hurting too, I wish for you some peace tonight and thank you for talking to me. It helps so much to know that people understand me and what I'm feeling. I thank all of you that have responded, I feel close to all of you. Love, Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Congratulations on the grandbaby! My husband never knew about his grandson...long after he died. I like to think maybe he can see from where he's at though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksbeachbum Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Pam: I am so sorry for your losses. I would agree with you on the loss of your father, I lost mine a year ago and my spouse Randy was there for me more than ever. We spent 8 months driving 2 hours each way on weekends to go through family things to have an auction. My family, grandparents and parents lived in this house for 60 years. It was a huge loss, but no where near the loss of my spouse 4 months ago. Maybe because not living with a parent does not affect our daily routine as much as living with our parents. My husband fought cancer for 16 months. He had throat cancer and we thought we beat it. He was back to playing golf, etc. for 4 months when they diagnosed sinus cancer. That was a horrific experience for both of us and he was in lots of pain. I still have the visions of him those last few days. A psychologist told me that these images began to fade in 3 to 4 months and I agree that the good memories are starting to reappear. Anyway, he was much to young to die as was your husband. Welcome to this group and I hope we all can help you. Blessing to you, Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Dear Pam It's the sweet things in life, like a new baby, that bring home so much that has been lost to us. We don't think we can get through the pain for one more minute but just hold on and believe that somehow you will. You know, sometimes you just have to let your feelings be what they are with those closest to you....Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Pam, so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband just over 18 months ago, also suddenly, to a massive coronary. No warning, he had not been having any symptoms. The first few months I felt like I was in a fog, and I am sure that is what you are feeling, with your loss so recent. My heart goes out to you. How wonderful about the baby, and I know it breaks your heart that Harv is not here to see this grandbaby. Be good to yourself, get lots of rest, and try to eat well. You need all the energy you can get right now. Grief is very hard on your body. Don't look toward the long run, just get through each day the best that you can. You are in my thoughts and prayers Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 Dear Pam, I am very sorry for your loss of the love of you life Harv. It has only been 5 months on Monday the 25 . That I lost MY PAULINE after 33 years. Her death was not sudden, She suffered from MS for many years. I quite my job of 27 years to take care of her 24/7. It was the best thing I have done. She had 3 sons from her previous marriage. They all move to Colorado. Her youngest son had a pair of twins a boy and a girl. Then another boy. She wanted so bad to see her grandchildren, She was never healthy enough to travel out there. They came to Boston one time and never even called her so she could make that trip to see and hold her grandchildren, It broke my heart, that she never was able to see them. I thought I was prepared for her death. WE saw it coming. I always staid very positive for her. But could not stop it. I found this place from Harry who is in my hospice support group. This is the best place to be. Like Mary my dear friend said, WE ALL GET IT ON HERE. WE HAVE BEEN RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE AT. Please keep coming, we are all here for you. Monday God gave me a gift. I had the surgery, and in the recovery room as they woke me up I saw PAULINE'S FACE HEALTHY and HAPPY. God gave her to me that day to be my angel watching over me. A true gift from God. Harv is still around you and always will be your angel watching over you. God Bless, may he bring peace to your broken heart and comfort your soul. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted July 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 Dwayne, I have been reading your posts and think of you often. I'm so happy for you that you got see your beloved Pauline's face after your surgery. I often wish I could have a dream about Harv, but then I wonder if that would just be harder? Thank you for your kind words and I hope for you a peaceful night and a speedy recovery. Love, Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyImHome11 Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 Dear Pam, What a roller coaster you are riding on... what joy you must be feeling... a new grand baby! What a mixed blessing and yet at the same time you have lost the most important person in your life! I am so sorry that you had to join this group but as I found myself drawn here I am glad you are here also. I hope you find the help you need as I have also reached out and been given support here as I have never in my life experienced this kind of whirlwind of emotions. My husband died of melanoma on May 27th 2011, a brain tumor that hemorrhaged. I understand the kind of pain your husband was experiencing as my husband was also experiencing in his head. It is one thing to say their pain is now over but to say they are in a better place? No, their place is beside us, always. Our friends and families do not know what they are saying in these times... our hearts are breaking and all we know is that we want them here beside us forever. Like you, I experienced not one loss but two close together... I lost my mother to bone cancer 9 days before my husband. A person has to wonder just how much one heart can take at one time? It will be a long time before I can truly laugh and mean it. My husband lived with grace and no regrets, I try everyday to live my life now in the very same way that my husband died. I can't say he was a perfect man... but I am not a perfect wife, I am only human. I find grief a lonely path. As everyone around me seems to go back to their normal lives I am left to pick up pieces of my broken heart. My life is shattered now, my dreams laid to rest. But love led me to my husband and I can only hope I find joy again, enough to keep going forward with my life because to stay in one place will not heal me. Be good to yourself, be patient. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted July 31, 2011 Report Share Posted July 31, 2011 Dear Pam, Yesterday I went up to Greg's to help find his stepson dogs. 2 pit bulls, well come to find out after searching for almost 2 hours. I was beat by the sun. Greg made a call to Donna, his wife and Pauline's best friend for about 30 years. At the end of the call, oh he just got her voice mail. As he finished. Just as he ended the call I did not hear him say I LOVE YOU, so I said it. Then I told him that there was never a time in my 33 years that Pauline an I did not finish a call without saying I LOVE YOU. I told him over time it just strength the bond between you two. Not as a lecture but those 3 small words make them, his wife, and Pauline, feel so much greater love for you. After I finished, I was laying down cooling off and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I started crying and could not stop for about 15 minutes. Poor Greg didn't know why I was like this and tried his best to consol me. As I explained it to him I will never her Pauline say those 3 tiny words again, that are so powerful in a true relationship. I am doing fine now, but moments like that are treasures taken from us, we have to live with every day. God Bless you Pam, may he heal our broken hearts and comfort our souls. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted July 31, 2011 Report Share Posted July 31, 2011 Dwayne, You must listen...Pauline is saying I Love Each day with momories!...as we journey farther down this path you will understand it more...I hear Ruth at times still asking me like she did when she was on earth "You Know Who Loves You?" and I would respond "my babe does" and at times I'm standing by her Urn and memorial in the family room sobbing as I miss her, when I tell her "I miss you so much" I hear "I miss you to"...maybe it's longing for her, maybe it's the intense emptiness without her, maybe it's my imagination, but I feel it's my angel Ruth, I enjoy it and it comforts me that's really all that matters...but back to your observation about saying I love you, I here so many couples say the words but they sound so "routine" and lack meaning it sounds like they are just going thru the motions...I am in a new relationshhip and have fallen in love again, I never ever miss telling Brenda every chance I get just as I did Ruth how much I love her, sincerely taking the time is so important you are so correct... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted July 31, 2011 Report Share Posted July 31, 2011 Pam, Hello, I am hearing your story and you are indeed taking some turns in your journey, keep a positive outlook as much as you can at a time like this, the new grand baby gives new meaning to your life, I'm sure your angel Harv would want you to continue to forge ahead much as my Ruth did/does...I feel your pain, sorrow, and loss but as each day goes by you will learn to love Harv in a new way, and always remember he's only a prayer away... May God Bless NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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