Feeling Blue

[ksbeachbum]

Anybody else feel like they are living in limbo? I feel like I am waiting for something to happen, but don't know exactly what that is. Haven't really done anything around the house since my spouse passed in April. We always did everything together, and maybe I am waiting for him to return to begin some projects that need attention. Need to clean out the storage shed we had rented, but that is something we would do together, so can't get motivated to do it. No joy in anything, but still waiting for something to happen. What???? Waiting for his return. My mind knows that won't ever happen, but the anxiousness is still there. Last night I spend the evening with friends. It was a pleasant evening, yet in limbo, something just not right, my spouse wasn't there or I wasn't suppose to be there without my spouse??? Why am I feeling this way and when will it stop? It is like a black cloud hanging over my head all the time. So missing him and so wanting to feel better. Wanting to feel whole again.

Blessings

Becky

[Gakydog414]

Ny husband also passed away in April and I am just where you are. We did everything together. Even though my daughters are with me, it just is not the same. Sometimes I feel so lost without him. My husband was on home dialysis over nine years and I would give anything for him to still be doing it. When Hurricane Irene came, it should have been George and me putting things up, not my daughters. I see we are both having a blue day. No day goes without tears coming from nowhere.

[mfh]

You are not alone...many of us are having days like you are having. At almost 18 months I can say, and I never would have believed it, that it does change. The emptiness, the loneliness are, however, still mine. I am having a tough one today as I prepare to go to the funeral of a friend. My first funeral since Bill died. You guys are just a few weeks away from the toughest day of your lives...know that those of us who are further along understand and still struggle BUT it changes...perhaps that is the best way to say it. I guess I am a bit more used to his absence. I still get shocked....blown away and I miss him more but it is different. Not sure how this funeral will go...it is a huge local event so it might be distracting but I am dreading it but want to attend as I loved these people. Another woman will walk this path now as she buries her husband today.

ONE day at a time...I know they are lonely. I feel empty everywhere i am but am also more able to get involved in things....perhaps do one thing a day that distracts you. It might not make you feel better but distraction is my goal.

Peace

Mary

[Mrs. B]

Kay, What Mary says is so true. At 2 1/2 years i still have blue days. But believe it or not things will change . I to am now use to Ricks absence. Its still lonely at nights with him here not to talk to but I am kinda use to it now. My son is moving back home and now I will have to get use to someone else here which i dont mind at all. I did lots of projects after to keep me busy but the back yard is one i put off and hadnt touched it for two years and it looked like it. My gardener left me and i didnt care. Well i finally got the gumption and tackled it. Sore back and it looking 100 percent better probably not up to ricks standards but done i was quite proud of myself. Thing is my friends said to me that Rick was right there helping me along with ideas. That made me feel good. Take each day as it is given to you. Some you will want to scream and throw things and others you will be proud of yourself for what ever reason. Pat yourself on the back. Take care .Mrs. B

[Salley]

Yes, I definitely feel like I am in limbo, don't really know what to do or what will happen. Rich died in May, so I guess I am coming up on 4 months since his death. I try to get out everyday, even if it is just over to the garden. Which I just did and discovered a deer is going in and is munching big time on the sweet potato tops. So I spent some time trying to figure out where the electric fence is grounded out, it hasn't been working for a few weeks now. The short is underground, so I tried running a wire about 4 feet above ground, straight to the garden, and it works. But I will have to take it down everytime I want to mow, like in 15 minutes.

Had a major setback yesterday. Rich had his body donated to the local medical college and the literature said they would use his body as a cadaver for 1 to 3 years. Well, they called yesterday and said his ashes were ready . I wasn't prepared for that. It made me realize that Rich and I never discussed what to do with his ashes. This is just contributing to my overall sadness.

I am behind in the mowing because we have had so much rain for so long related to the TS Lee from the gulf of mexico. The sun is shining right now, it's been a long time since we have seen the sun here. At mid afternoon, the grass is still wet, but I must get some mowing done before it starts to rain again.

Rich used to take care of the electric fences, we used to have 5 acres fenced in for pasture, but now only have the garden fenced. I don't know what to do for a permanent fix, a new problem I really don't want to think about. But if I want to garden, and I really do, I have to have the fence working. I guess I should think of this as a distraction!!

Hugs to everyone..

[mkenwater]

Becky, I know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my wife on June 3, 2011, and it is the weekends that are the worst not having your best friend and soulmate around anymore. The working weekdays do go by fast, and I look forward to my 3-day weekends (I work a 4-10 schedule), but not having anyone to enjoy these 3-day weekends gets somewhat depressing. I know that we all deal with it differently, but I have realized that the world is not coming to me, that I must go out into the world to garner new friendships and explore new hobbies. After you become widowed, you find out real fast the difference between "friends and acquaintances". My late Sharon always told me that you only have a few real friends in life, but a multitude of acquaintances. Not that I am mad at anyone, for they have a life also and most are uncomfortable around widowed people. I do believe that we must take it day by day. I feel that the pain of loss has gotten much better for me, but we all will always possess some grief, with the hope that the memories will over-ride it. Anyway, just a note, my late wife Sharon was from Salina, KS, with one of her sisters still living in Wichita. You take care and everything is going to be all right.

[dave s]

Yes Becky limbo is the perfect word for what we are feeling, have worked hard not to pay attention to time factors in this process but still the monthly anniversary causes me alot of grief.......yesterday came and went, and just didnt feel like I was to be at work, didnt feel like I should be at home...didnt know what I should do......came home and bought myself some roses in route, had 1 drink and toasted Mike and spent some time crying, after a lovely note from Cheryl,went to bed and slept for over 9 hrs! unheard for me!

Today I think I feel better, but still out of sorts......the weather is beautifull here today, so think I will go and attempt to paint the front door....just to get out of the house, finding if I make myself do something I feel a little better....Will be thinking of you on Monday and hope you can find something to smile about on that "special" day.....

Take care! Dave

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Becky,

I remember in the beginning for you, you were helping your friend almost everyday. I do not know if you are still doing that or not. I do agree with Mary, every day try to find something to do that takes your mind off of life for a while. I try, at least when I am feeling good, walk down to the bay every morning and watch the sun come up. It really helps me with my day. I look to the positive in each day and build on that. Today I am doing better than ever. Sunday after church I am going to try out for the choir. I will see how that goes. I have 2 best friends in Donna and Greg. I talk to them every day. Donna was Pauline's best friend for at least 27-28 years. She knew Pauline very well, they talked all the time. Just like Pauline talked about everything. When I get her ashes back, I know what she wanted done with them. I have changed my whole mind set about the grief. I miss her every day. I will never forget her last months, days, and hours, even the last breath. But I choose for those memories not to control my emotions. Do I still cry, yes I do from time to time, but I focus on all the good and joy we had together in our life. Now I pray I am at the end of my health problems, so I can get my classes started. I want to help as many people as God sees fit for me to do.

Maybe you could volunteer at the hospital in Abilene, just a thought. If you ever need to talk, I am always here for you. I believe I sent you my number.

God Bless, I pray that our Loving Father, brings peace and comfort into your life, and guides you through your journey, and to show you, your new purpose in this new life you have. I ask this in JESUS CHRIST my LORD and SAVIOR, AHMEN

Dwayne

[ksbeachbum]

Dwayne: I can always count on you to cheer me up. Thank you for that. I wish I had more energy to get my mind in the right frame. My friend that I was taking to radiation and chemo passed away July 30th. I was at the hospital when she passed, along with her husband and daughters and family. It was a peaceful passing for her but was another loss in a short period of time. Her husband and I have been helping each other through this grief. They had been friends of mine for 25 years. It is helpful to have someone to lean on that is going through the same thing. He is about 4 blocks away, so we share meals together at times and he has been such a big help to me with household maintenance issues that come up. I am blessed to have him and of course all my friends here at HOV. I hope you are feeling better and on your way to nursing classes. I will say my prayers for you and keep my fingers crossed that your health issues are now behind you.

Blessings and hugs

Becky

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Becky,

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. It must have been like re-living your own loss. I am sure that must has been a big set back for you in your grief process.

On the positive side you have someone close that is going through the same thing. It is comforting that he lives so close to you and that you help each other out like you are doing. This should help both of you as you move forward through the grief process in your own time and way. It is always good to have someone close that you, and now he, can talk about your own loss. The more you talk and cry telling you life with and about your husband, it dose help. It has helped me a lot in my grief.

I am feeling a lot better now. It is like when we got the sun back on Friday, it brought back the fire inside me to that roaring flame I had after seeing Pauline's face so HAPPY and HEALTHY. My energy level has increased 10 fold. I pray the same, will happen for you and now your friend. It will take time, but you will get there, just don't give up or give in.

God Bless, My Dear friend Becky, ((hugs))

Dwayne

[Earl C]

I find it hard to believe how many of us are traveling down this same road. I see a loss on June 3, a couple in April, my own horrific loss on June 4th, and some into the years who are still fighting the battle. I read about Sharon, George, Bill, Rick, Pauline and all the others who have been best friends and are now missed, as well as my own Wanda. I continually see posts from Becky, Mary, Dwayne, Dave, Kay, Beth and all the rest of us who are living the life of loneliness even with people around us. They say it does get better over time, but as we all know if never goes away.

Limbo is the perfect word for our state. I too keep waiting for something different, something that will make it all better, but there's only one thing that could, and that just isn't going to happen. So, my faith tells me I have to endure this until I continue the journey like Wanda did, and we can be, as we always said, Together Forever. Even for those who don't have the same faith that I do, there is still such a things as being together in spirit after we're gone on. Doing those jobs some talk about does help some, especially if it's something that you know your life's partner wanted done. I try to follow what Wanda did, things like watering the indoor plants, running a dishwasher a couple of times a week even if I'd rather not. I try to keep her house in as good a shape as I possibly can because I know that's what she wants.

I love talking to Wanda even if I don't get responses (though I feel at times I've gotten some kind of a message overnight, and I'm supposed to do something), and I tell her I love her and I miss her every single day. I can't see living any other way, but what works for me may not work for each of you. I think we all have to find our own way through this terrible maze, and I'm working on it every day, as I know each of you is going through the same turmoil. All I know is that we have to keep doing our best each and every day, and we can't control anything beyond that.

The one thing I've learned, and I hope it is with each of us, I'm not experiencing this as if I were the only one who ever lost the most important person in their life, I know you all have the same commitment to a partner that I do. And, I pray that each of you will get better every day, and that the limbo in our lives does not render us helpless or hopeless. Our partner would expect that we go on living, and in my case still sharing each day with her.

Lots of hugs to all who go through this day after day, and may we all get at least a little more used to this life as time goes on.

Earl C

[dave s]

Earl you hit the nail on the head with your remark about being soo lonely with yet everyone around....have felt much the same I know I have good support here, and yet I could write a book about the stupid things my and Mikes family have said....today my mom was remarking about how nice our home looks with the new paint job she then stated "I am so glad you did this, it now allows you to get over Mike and move on, for you are obessing about him" LOLOL!! no wonder I feel so lonely with remarks like that!

I really do have a good family, who obviously have ho clue what to say to me! All I could say was " You dont get it I will never get over Mike, and I hate the phrase moving on.......for to me it means forgetting him! I then changed the subject.

well on a better note no tornadoes here last night, and the weather is beautifull today so will go and do some touch up painting and check on the horses!

Take care! Dave

[kayc]

I think LIMBO is a perfect word to describe where we find ourselves "afterwards". Not feeling the energy/purpose/drive to do the things that we used to do together, even things we know we have to do...like cleaning out a storage shed. It's as if we try to put off those things. We feel lackluster and don't find real joy and purpose like we used to have. Oh we know there are the little joys, maybe seeing grandchildren (which I don't have yet) and our pets keep us going, and some find purpose like Dwayne enrolling in nursing, but for so many of us, no matter how much time passes, we feel we are stuck in this limboland where life is not the same and we don't know how to get back to how we used to feel. The truth is, we don't. Those days, those dreams, those feelings, that sharing, that is gone. But we do find it life more cope able than it used to be, we don't cry as often, we learn to live with our loss and our aloneness, although some days are still a struggle. We stop expecting them to come back and rescue us from this lethargy of non-existence. We stop listening for their voice that we know will not come. We stop hoping to see them come in through the door. We get new jobs, we move, we make new friends...but still, there is something inside of us that seems missing...and it is. For me it is that George-shaped hole in my heart...and that is a tribute to him, to how much he meant to me, how much he affected my existence, how much he wormed his way into my heart...that "missing him" ache that continues day after day no matter what I do. Something funny has happened to me this year...I don't try to replace him or squelch the pain or emptiness...I accept it, it just is what it is, and it is how things will be the rest of my life, and I've learned to live with it. This IS my life, it's all that I have. It has it's phases...I had a phase where George was in it and now that phase has passed and I am alone, but it's okay, if I talk to him or write to him and people think I'm nuts, that's okay too...this IS my life as I know it. Will I ever know true happiness again? I doubt it, not like I had, but I have accepted this is my life and this is it's newest phase, and if I find a little joy here and there along the way, that is good.

[Earl C]

Kay, if you're nuts then you have a lot of company. And, it truly doesn't matter what others think about this life we're forced into. If I didn't talk to Wanda day and night I'm not sure I'd make it through this. You're right, we have to stop thinking they are going to come in the door, or they're going to talk to us (maybe in our sub-conscious, which I think has happened to me a couple of times), and we have to "get used to", not really accept, what our new life is. I don't like the new life but it's the only one I have until I take the next step in the journey, and when that is is not my call. It sounds to me like you are dealing with it, coping just as well as anyone could expect, and that's my goal, just get by. I'm not looking for real happiness now, that's been taken away, but I can deal with every day as well as possible, and if I break down about something that's OK too. Hang in there, to all of us!!

Earl C